The Bernie Mac Show 1x11

1. America, you're a democracy.

2. You have all kinds of freedom

3. and equality...

4. and that's great and that works

5. for you and I respect that.

6. But we got a different system

7. here at the Mac household.

8. It's called "dictatorship,"

9. and it works like this:

10. See, I am the king,

11. and what I say goes.

12. All the other folks,

13. they're my subjects.

14. I have my queen, Wanda.

15. Ooh, boy.

16. Your Highness.

17. My Lady.

18. I know how to pick 'em,

19. don't—?

20. I got my princess.

21. Thank you.

22. Oh.

23. I've got my court jester.

24. What's happening, my man?

25. Oh, here it is.

26. Give it here.

27. And my royal pain in the ass.

28. My royal pain in the ass.

29. Yuck, these fries are cold.

30. Just help—

31. Help yourself.

32. - Let's go to bed.

33. - But our favorite

34. show is on next.

35. - What's the name of it?

36. - Uh...

37. - Yeah, just like I thought.

38. Let's go to bed.

39. Every night I go through

40. the same thing.

41. I don't know what I gotta do

42. to get these kids to listen.

43. Stand on top of my head?

44. - See, Shannon?

45. I am way out of practice.

46. - Are you kidding?

47. A lot of girls

48. on the team can't do

49. what you just did.

50. Like who?

51. You know Debbie Menna?

52. Oh yeah, she's pretty.

53. Not when she tries

54. a straddle

55. and falls on her face.

56. Get out. I'm busy.

57. But Uncle Bernie

58. said we have

59. to go to bed now.

60. Can't I have one minute

61. to myself? Dang!

62. Okay, look. You can stay up

63. another half hour,

64. and that's it.

65. Yeah!

66. But Uncle Bernie

67. said we had to go to bed.

68. Well, I'm saying

69. you can stay up.

70. This is my house too.

71. I've got rights.

72. And if Bernie Mac's

73. got a problem with that,

74. well, tough...

75. poop.

76. Hey, I thought

77. I told y'all

78. to go to bed.

79. Vanessa said

80. we could stay up.

81. Nessa?

82. Yep.

83. And she said

84. you have tough poop.

85. Nessa!

86. I'm gonna count to three.

87. Aw, just come tomorrow.

88. I don't know.

89. One!

90. It'll get you

91. out of this house.

92. What time is practice?

93. Two! Three!

94. What?

95. This is what I'm talkin' about.

96. Did you say they could

97. stay up?

98. So?

99. So? When did you become

100. boss around here?

101. You should thank me.

102. Come again?

103. You are the one

104. who's always complaining...

105. about how hard it is

106. to get these kids to bed.

107. Every night you yell

108. and chase them

109. and before you know it,

110. they've squeezed

111. an extra hour out of you.

112. - At least.

113. - Whereas you can just let

114. them stay up,

115. and fall asleep

116. in front of the TV

117. and carry them to bed.

118. Is that right?

119. You'd think you'd learn.

120. You got it

121. all together, right?

122. Let me break it down

123. to you, Nessa.

124. The point is,

125. I make the rules.

126. I give the bedtimes.

127. I give the orders.

128. And I expect the orders

129. to be carried out without

130. interference from you.

131. Is that understood?

132. Yeah.

133. Thank you. I want you two

134. to go to bed right now.

135. But—

136. Okay. Come on, Bry.

137. You see that?

138. Without any interference

139. from you.

140. America, follow me

141. to the throne room.

142. The king wishes

143. to have a private audience...

144. immediately.

145. The king is weary

146. from battle, y'all.

147. You all see

148. what I go through.

149. America, and most nights

150. it's not that easy.

151. Yeah.

152. Why was it that easy?

153. What happened back there?

154. Come on. Let's look at

155. that scene again.

156. You got it all together, right?

157. All right, there go the Mac man.

158. I'm cool, collected.

159. The point is

160. I make the rules.

161. I'm laying down the laws.

162. I give the bedtimes.

163. I like that.

164. I give the orders.

165. Smooth. In control.

166. I expect the orders

167. to be carried out.

168. Let me see what's goin' on.

169. Is that understood?

170. Yeah.

171. Thank you. I want you two

172. to go to bed right now.

173. But—

174. Oh! Oh!

175. Come on, Bry.

176. Hold, hold, hold.

177. Wind that back.

178. Let's reexamine this.

179. You see that?

180. You see what I saw?

181. I want you two to go to bed

182. right now.

183. But—

184. Look.

185. Skunk. "Trickeration."

186. Oh-ho!

187. She signaled him.

188. You saw it.

189. Right under my own nose.

190. In my own house.

191. How long has this been goin' on?

192. You can't trust nobody.

193. Do I have to eat this?

194. Yes!

195. Bye!

196. - Hey!

197. - Uh-huh.

198. I don't wanna take a bath.

199. No bath, no movie.

200. - Now, the choice is yours.

201. - Okay. Bath.

202. All this time.

203. Undermining my authority.

204. Who does she think she is?

205. I'm the king of this castle.

206. She don't pull no strings

207. around here. I do.

208. I'm the puppet master!

209. I gotta look at it again.

210. I'm gonna pop.

211. Real clever, Nessa.

212. Where I come from

213. they call that slick.

214. What are you talking about?

215. What am I talkin' about?

216. You know.

217. Little games you playin'

218. with the kids.

219. Signals, the head nod,

220. winks and all that

221. kind of stuff.

222. Yeah, I got you faded, baby.

223. You're trippin'.

224. Oh, I'm trippin'.

225. Yeah. Okay.

226. Hey, hey, hey,

227. let me ask you kids

228. somethin'.

229. Who's the boss around here?

230. Don't— Don't look at her.

231. Answer the question.

232. Baby girl, who's

233. the person of authority

234. around here?

235. Don't look at them, Nessa.

236. Come on, baby girl.

237. Tell me. Who's the one

238. with authority?

239. Come on.

240. Answer the question.

241. Who's the leader?

242. Uh, you're the boss.

243. You're the leader.

244. We couldn't even answer.

245. You're such

246. a great leader.

247. I mean we, we follow

248. your every footstep.

249. We'd jump off a ledge

250. and follow you.

251. Oh. I-I'm sorry, America.

252. How you doin?

253. You know, I'm just

254. sittin' here thinking

255. about sleigh dogs.

256. You know those husky dogs

257. that pull Eskimos

258. all around the North Pole.

259. You know, I was just

260. sittin' here thinking that

261. life's like a team of dogs,

262. because if you're

263. not the lead dog,

264. the only view

265. is another dog's ass.

266. Is that what life

267. has in store for me,

268. Bernie Mac?

269. Nothing but dog ass?

270. America, I used to be

271. the lead dog.

272. They used to look at my ass.

273. Boy, that smell good

274. up in here.

275. Pork chops!

276. Baby, that's fancy.

277. What's the occasion?

278. We're celebrating.

279. Vanessa made

280. the gymnastics team.

281. Go, Nessa!

282. Hold on. It ain't

283. one of them things

284. where I gotta get up...

285. at 5:00 in the morning

286. and drop you off somewhere?

287. Practice is after school.

288. Go, Nessa!

289. You see that?

290. Yum, brownies!

291. I want one.

292. Can I have one?

293. Hell no. You can't

294. have no brownie.

295. Wait a minute.

296. America, I don't have

297. to be the boss anymore.

298. Vanessa got the power,

299. and you know what?

300. I won't fight it.

301. I'll use it to my advantage.

302. Let her be the boss of them,

303. and I'll be the boss of her.

304. Doggone it.

305. Look, I boss her.

306. She bosses them.

307. I got two less kids

308. I have to talk to.

309. Doggone, Bernie Mac.

310. Why didn't I think of that

311. earlier?

312. She'll see.

313. Yeah.

314. Better yet,

315. I changed my mind.

316. You want a brownie?

317. You can have one, son.

318. All right!

319. Uh, but it ain't up to me.

320. - It's not?

321. - No, it's up to Nessa.

322. See, she's the one

323. with the authority.

324. What do you say, Nessa?

325. Would it be all right for

326. your baby brother to fill up

327. on dessert before dinner?

328. That's Shannon.

329. I gotta go to practice.

330. - I'll eat when I get home.

331. - No, no, now, Nessa, Nessa.

332. Come on now.

333. - Can you brother

334. have a brownie or what?

335. - Whatever Uncle Bernie says.

336. He says I could!

337. Yeah!

338. - No! Bernie!

339. - I cannot believe

340. that girl got me again.

341. When I try—

342. What the heck is goin'--

343. - Nessa?

344. - Dance, Uncle Bernie, dance.

345. That's you?

346. Nessa! Nessa, stop it!

347. Keep dancing.

348. I'm black, at least keep me

349. on the— on the beat.

350. Thank you.

351. Nessa!

352. Nessa!

353. You get your little self

354. in here.

355. I don't wanna sleep in the

356. office. I wanna stay

357. at Vanessa's party!

358. Jordan, slumber parties

359. are for girls, honey.

360. - No boys allowed.

361. - Why? So they can

362. talk about their boobies?

363. Jordan said "boobies."

364. Boobies.

365. Boobies!

366. Well, that's the last time

367. we have sugar before bed.

368. She walked through the house.

369. No one was there.

370. All the lights was off.

371. She screamed.

372. She hollered.

373. But no one heard her.

374. The phone was dead.

375. She reached for the knob,

376. and there was a bloody hook—

377. from the last person

378. who touched Bernie Mac's stereo

379. without his permission!

380. Okay, can you leave?

381. Yeah!

382. Okay. Listen,

383. I'll leave you.

384. But, seriously,

385. if you girls get hungry,

386. go to a restaurant.

387. Enjoy yourself.

388. Have pleasant dreams,

389. you little—

390. All right.

391. Okay.

392. Good night.

393. He's a professional

394. comedian?

395. Hey, get out.

396. It's our room too.

397. You share a room

398. with your little brother?

399. How do you

400. get any privacy?

401. I don't.

402. That's the problem.

403. Jordan, get out!

404. I need my helicopter!

405. Hi, I'm Jordan.

406. Okay. You got it, now go.

407. No, I need my rescue winch.

408. Very deliberate

409. now, working the perimeter

410. as the defense falls—

411. Will you tell

412. that little brat

413. to stop bothering us?

414. Shoot.

415. Baby, I would love

416. to help you out,

417. but he won't listen to me.

418. He'll only listen to you.

419. That's sick.

420. Ha-ha, the boo-boo.

421. Stick your head in doo-doo.

422. Look! I'm a gymnast.

423. Look! I can do

424. a double flip-flop

425. with a banana split.

426. That's very tough.

427. Look, I have boobies, too.

428. See?

429. - Aw.

430. - Oh, that's nothing.

431. Look what I got.

432. Jordan, I told you

433. to keep that

434. in the barn.

435. I never ask for anything

436. around here,

437. but the one time that I want

438. something for myself,

439. they ruin it.

440. It's not fair.

441. It's bad enough

442. that I have to share

443. a room with them...

444. in the first place.

445. Okay. Go back to your party.

446. They won't bother you

447. anymore.

448. Thank you.

449. Now, you two.

450. You have got to stop

451. bothering your sister.

452. She's a teenager now,

453. and she needs her privacy,

454. which means you have to

455. give her her space.

456. Do we have to,

457. Uncle Bernie?

458. I'm afraid so.

459. Did you see that?

460. Those kids asked me,

461. the alpha dog.

462. I'm leading

463. the sled again, baby.

464. All you other dogs

465. get in line

466. 'cause it's sniffing time.

467. Yes, sir.

468. Hey, Vanessa's home.

469. Can you teach me

470. how to do a cartwheel?

471. I've been doing cartwheels

472. all day, and I need

473. to crash.

474. But you promised.

475. Oh, good, you're home.

476. You can help me

477. with my model plane.

478. Ask your Uncle Bernie.

479. He gets impatient

480. and jams the pieces.

481. What did I say?

482. Well, I want ice cream.

483. Can you get my lactose pills?

484. No! I'm sick of doing

485. everything for you guys.

486. Go ask Bigfoot.

487. Uncle Bernie! Uncle Bernie!

488. What? What? What?

489. Do I eat nutmeg?

490. Start my orange.

491. Are these dirty?

492. Pick a color.

493. Pull my finger.

494. Hold my gum.

495. What's a lesbian?

496. I can't feel anything.

497. I mean,

498. I'm completely numb.

499. They worked all my nerves—

500. every last one.

501. Somebody call

502. a "nerve-ologist."

503. That's the study of nerves.

504. Drove me crazy.

505. Hey, stranger.

506. Long practice?

507. Mm.

508. Bryana and I made cupcakes.

509. We saved you one,

510. but Jordan ate the top.

511. They really miss you,

512. you know.

513. Maybe this Saturday—

514. I have a meet

515. on Saturday.

516. Well maybe after.

517. That won't work 'cause

518. we're all going out after.

519. Nessa! Look here,

520. I know you've got your

521. gymnastic thing goin' on,

522. but let me tell you something,

523. girl— you gotta find time

524. to raise your own kids.

525. What?

526. What?

527. I gave baby girl

528. fourteen piggyback rides.

529. And if I pull your brother's

530. finger one more doggone time,

531. I could— I'm gonna pull it off.

532. Why do you keep

533. putting this on me?

534. What ya talkin' bout?

535. They're not my responsibility.

536. I have my own life.

537. Why can't you all

538. just understand that?

539. Vanessa, it's just that

540. we never see you.

541. Good. That's the way

542. I want it right now.

543. Why can't you all

544. just leave me alone?

545. What?

546. What did I say?

547. Bernie, what are you doing?

548. Working out some aggression.

549. So I can keep

550. from killing that girl.

551. Bernie, teenage girls

552. have it hard,

553. and Vanessa's had it

554. tougher than most.

555. Well, she got it

556. goin' on pretty easy now.

557. Well, I don't know about that.

558. I mean, back in Chicago,

559. she pretty much

560. raised those kids.

561. And if you think about it,

562. she kinda still is.

563. She's doin a piss-poor

564. job at it, 'cause those kids

565. are runnin' wild.

566. At least they get to run wild.

567. She never had the chance.

568. I mean think about it.

569. She's never really

570. been a kid.

571. Let's not rob her

572. of being a teenager too.

573. Hmm, I never thought

574. of that.

575. Bernie.

576. What?

577. I think I have a great idea.

578. Way to go, Vanessa!

579. Oh, hey, Vanessa!

580. I want you

581. to meet my mom.

582. Hi.

583. Vanessa, your beam routine

584. was perfect.

585. You are so graceful.

586. Thanks.

587. Didn't I tell you

588. she was awesome?

589. Yeah.

590. Do you need a ride?

591. Sure.

592. Okay, this way.

593. - Hey! How was the meet?

594. - Fine.

595. - Y'all lost, huh?

596. - No, we won.

597. You won? Oh, I wish

598. we could have been there.

599. - Well, who stopped you?

600. - You.

601. - I did?

602. - Yes, sir.

603. Honey, you said you wanted

604. to be left alone.

605. We thought we were

606. giving you space.

607. Figures. Somehow,

608. it's always my fault.

609. Aw, hey, hey, hey.

610. Come here, man.

611. - Wh-Wh-Where you goin?

612. - To my room.

613. Do you mind?

614. No, we don't mind,

615. but that's not the way

616. to your room.

617. - It's not?

618. - Mm-mmm.

619. This is your room.

620. You like it?

621. She don't like it.

622. I told you she wouldn't.

623. Bernie.

624. I know, sugar.

625. Sometimes it's all

626. just too much.

627. Nessa, did somebody

628. say somethin'

629. or do somethin' to you?

630. 'Cause I swear to God

631. I'll kill 'em.

632. I looked for you guys,

633. but you weren't there,

634. and everybody else

635. had family and I was alone.

636. That's all right.

637. We will be at every one

638. from now on.

639. Who won?

640. Who won?

641. Why are you crying?

642. Don't you like

643. your new room?

644. She loves it.

645. I love it, too.

646. These floors are perfect

647. for Hot Wheels.

648. Ain't no Hot Wheels

649. gonna be nowhere

650. around here.

651. I gave up my bench and weights.

652. I catch you in here,

653. I'll kill you.

654. Kids, this is

655. Vanessa's room now.

656. You can only play here

657. if she invites you.

658. - Are you going to invite us?

659. - All right. Now you two

660. need to get ready for bed.

661. Do we have to?

662. Yes!

663. Yes!

664. Yes!

665. Okay.

666. You know, I never had

667. my own room before.

668. And you know what?

669. It's the first time

670. I have understood what

671. you've been goin' through,

672. and I didn't handle it well.

673. So, I hope this

674. makes up for it.

675. Hey! So, come on now.

676. What you think?

677. You ain't told me what

678. you think about the room.

679. Well, I see a phone.

680. Okay.

681. But no cable.

682. There you have it, America.

683. I spared her life.

684. You know why?

685. A good king knows

686. when to show mercy.

687. Mmm.

688. It's good to be king.