The Bernie Mac Show 1x10

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2. FOX BROADCASTING COMPANY

3. and REGENCY TELEVISION

4. America

5. every marriage has it's ups

6. and downs

7. and Bernie Mac is no different.

8. And last week, it was down.

9. I mean, way down.

10. Shake your body down

11. to the ground... down.

12. And I want to tell you

13. about it.

14. But I have to be fair.

15. If there's one thing

16. last week taught me

17. it was that

18. it ain't always what I think

19. even though

20. it's the Bernie Mac Show.

21. But I still want to give you

22. both sides

23. so let me introduce someone

24. to you

25. with another point of view.

26. Wait a minute, baby.

27. Let me introduce you

28. to the people, okay?

29. And now, addressing America

30. for the very first time

31. I'd like to introduce

32. my best friend.

33. The sugar in my coffee.

34. The a la mode in my pie.

35. The black in my eyed-peas.

36. Miss Wanda.

37. Wanda Mac, y'all.

38. Oh. Now?

39. How you doing, baby?

40. Okay.

41. Hi. I'm Wanda Mac.

42. Look, America—

43. America right

44. in the middle.

45. Oh, oh. I'm sorry.

46. Yes.

47. Anyway, um, I had all

48. this vacation saved up

49. and I had to use it or lose it

50. so I thought it would be nice

51. to spend some time at home.

52. How did I do?

53. You did good, girl.

54. I did?

55. Are they still looking?

56. Yeah.

57. Now baby, get up.

58. No, no, Bernie.

59. You stay in bed.

60. I'll get the kids.

61. What?

62. I want to get them ready

63. for school.

64. Why?

65. Because I never get

66. to spend time with them.

67. This will be a real chance

68. for us to bond.

69. It'll be fun.

70. Baby, it might be

71. a lot of things

72. but fun ain't going

73. to be one of them.

74. Hey, you get to be the mom

75. all the time.

76. It's my vacation.

77. I want to be the mom.

78. Wanda, listen.

79. Why don't you try

80. something easy

81. like being a gardener

82. okay?

83. I got this.

84. Okay.

85. Suit yourself, baby.

86. But the key

87. to the liquor cabinet is

88. under the fern.

89. Wake up, Jordan.

90. Wipe the sandman

91. out your eyes.

92. Wake up, Sleeping Beauty.

93. Wakey, wakey.

94. That's right, everybody.

95. Rise and shine.

96. Let's start a beautiful day.

97. Where are the kids at?

98. They'll be out in a jiff.

99. How many times

100. did you call them?

101. Once.

102. Once?

103. You treat those kids

104. like they're civilized.

105. Come here.

106. Let me show you

107. how you wake the kids up.

108. Come on.

109. Just follow me.

110. All right, everybody,

111. get up.

112. You all know the routine.

113. I don't need you messing around.

114. Guess what, y'all?

115. It's... show time!

116. This is the ring leader

117. right here.

118. Get her started, you

119. got everybody else.

120. Right here.

121. Let's go.

122. Oh, yeah. I don't need

123. you messing around.

124. This boy here— he's

125. something else.

126. See? Hey, come on.

127. Get up. Get up there.

128. Yeah, keep

129. going. Yeah.

130. That boy hate water, man.

131. He hate water

132. worse than the cat.

133. Chase that. I see her.

134. You got to get

135. the blood circulating

136. through her hair.

137. Let's go.

138. Circulating.

139. See that there?

140. See that there?

141. All right, everybody.

142. All right.

143. I want everybody

144. in the bathroom.

145. Face washed, teeth brushed.

146. Hair combed.

147. I want you to move it.

148. Move it, move it!

149. Ow!

150. You could have untied it first.

151. Hey, baby, see

152. this is not hard.

153. You got to treat those

154. kids like they convicts.

155. You got to be creative.

156. You got to have

157. a little fun.

158. Look at that.

159. That was masterful.

160. That's a maestro

161. at work, baby.

162. Is he always like this?

163. Baby.

164. What you doing?

165. Making breakfast.

166. I'm going to show you breakfast.

167. You see this?

168. Bam, bam, bam!

169. That is called "breakfast."

170. This is a sad, sorry

171. excuse for breakfast.

172. They're not gonna eat

173. no egg Florentine.

174. They'll eat my

175. Eggs Florentine.

176. No, they're not.

177. Yes, they will.

178. I bet they don't.

179. Fine.

180. Go ahead and eat

181. cold cereal

182. for all I care.

183. I-I-I eat one of them.

184. Listen, baby, I like

185. your eggs Florentine.

186. I don't have no...

187. Hey, why don't

188. you make the kids

189. some of your apricot

190. crepe sometime?

191. That's delicious.

192. I'm just saying

193. baby, they black.

194. I'm black.

195. Let's move on.

196. Hey, I'm pulling out

197. in exactly 90 seconds.

198. Wait, here's your lunches.

199. Here's your lunches.

200. Here you go.

201. Here you go.

202. Here you go.

203. Hey, Bryana, honey,

204. tie your shoe.

205. I don't know

206. how to tie my shoes.

207. It's not hard.

208. I'll show you.

209. We ain't got a lot

210. of time.

211. We're under the gun now.

212. You take one lace,

213. you make a bunny ear.

214. You take the other lace,

215. make another bunny ear.

216. You fold it under

217. and voila!

218. Tied shoes.

219. Now you try it.

220. One lace.

221. Go under.

222. No, no, no, no.

223. You got to make a bunny

224. ear with this lace.

225. Wanda, we got to go.

226. Then you make a

227. bunny ear with...

228. This will just

229. take a second.

230. And then you take

231. another bunny ear

232. and then you put that...

233. Then you turn it around,

234. and you flip it in there

235. and you

236. squeeze it.

237. Ow!

238. All right, let's go.

239. To the car.

240. We got to go.

241. You really could use a lesson

242. in patience.

243. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

244. Some other time.

245. Right now, we got

246. a story to tell.

247. Why don't you tell

248. the American people

249. what happened when

250. you tried to put

251. the kids to bed?

252. Tell 'em that, baby.

253. What?

254. What... ?

255. They were perfect

256. little angels.

257. You got to hold it

258. under the water.

259. That's why...

260. Get in the...

261. No, I want bubbles.

262. Bubbles give you a rash.

263. Get in.

264. It's only

265. that one time.

266. Hey, didn't I

267. tell you to get

268. off that phone?

269. Ow! I am getting off.

270. Now!

271. I am!

272. Nobody.

273. Bryana, please.

274. Get in that tub now!

275. Oh, boy...

276. No. I got time.

277. That was too much.

278. Mm.

279. Okay?

280. Mm.

281. They are not perfect

282. little angels.

283. Oh, yeah.

284. They are monsters.

285. I've been

286. telling you.

287. Y'all be trying

288. to make me like

289. I'm the bad guy.

290. Ooh, baby, I'm sorry.

291. Bet you want to

292. bust their heads...

293. What? I wanted to kill them.

294. Really, honey?

295. Excuse me.

296. Americans see

297. them every day.

298. They understand.

299. They know.

300. But I did have one

301. small victory.

302. Well, that was

303. a victory?

304. You know that was

305. a victory. Hush.

306. Watch.

307. You will take a

308. bath and like it.

309. I won't take a bath.

310. No, it's cold.

311. Well, that's

312. too bad.

313. No. I don't like

314. this tub.

315. Sit in this tub.

316. Oh, ow!

317. And stay there.

318. ( groaning ):

319. Oh.

320. Bryana, I put you

321. to bed an hour ago.

322. What are you doing up?

323. Look, Aunt Wanda.

324. I tied my shoes.

325. What?

326. I tied my shoes

327. all by myself,

328. just like you taught me.

329. Bernie

330. you won't believe

331. what Bryana just did.

332. Use bleach, baby.

333. Lots and lots of bleach.

334. No. She tied her shoes.

335. What?

336. She tied her shoes

337. all by herself

338. just like I taught her.

339. It was incredible!

340. That's great.

341. That means less work

342. for me now.

343. I taught her something

344. that she would take with her

345. for the rest of her life.

346. It's an unbelievable feeling.

347. I-I can't describe it.

348. Actually, baby

349. sometime it's hard

350. to find the right words

351. but maybe when you come back

352. from getting me a beer

353. your thoughts

354. will done crystallized

355. but you did good.

356. Honey, you did good.

357. Hey, Patricia.

358. Hey, Wanda.

359. What are you doing out

360. during the day?

361. I'm spending the

362. week with the kids.

363. Oh.

364. Oh, and I'm so glad

365. that I did it.

366. I had the most

367. incredible experience.

368. I taught Bryana

369. to tie her shoe!

370. Uh-huh.

371. That's it.

372. Oh.

373. I know it sounds silly

374. but it was so exciting.

375. I think for the first time

376. I know what it feels

377. like to be a mom.

378. Well, I'm very happy

379. for you, Wanda.

380. Thank you.

381. Oh.

382. What's wrong?

383. Oh, nothing.

384. She's just kicking.

385. Ooh, here, feel.

386. Oh, my God!

387. That's amazing.

388. Yeah, it's something else, huh?

389. Yeah.

390. Ooh, she

391. kicked again.

392. Yeah. Yes, she does it

393. all day.

394. All day?

395. Mm-hmm.

396. Wow!

397. What does that

398. feel like?

399. I... I can't explain it.

400. Aunt Wanda?

401. Ooh. Yes, baby.

402. Are you pretending?

403. Yes, baby.

404. Okay.

405. There's only one guy I'd want

406. to handle the ball right now.

407. Shaw yo-yoing up and down.

408. Run it down, fellas.

409. Nine on the clock.

410. Shaw over.

411. Back to Shaw.

412. Six seconds on the 24th.

413. Ah, doggone kid.

414. Boy, shook my doggone

415. beer up like that.

416. That don't make

417. no doggone sense.

418. What a play

419. by Kobe Bryant.

420. That's the guy I said...

421. Bernie

422. you think

423. I should trade in my car?

424. You just got

425. the car.

426. So you think it's safe?

427. I don't think anything, baby.

428. How can you say it's safe?

429. Wanda, I didn't say

430. it was safe.

431. I think we should be

432. more concerned about safety.

433. There's kids in the house.

434. Okay, Wanda.

435. Think about safety.

436. I'm sorry.

437. I don't know why

438. I'm saying I'm sorry

439. but I'm sorry.

440. I said it, okay?

441. Bernie?

442. Bernie, I was

443. just thinking.

444. What now?

445. Remember when we talked

446. about adding another room?

447. What are you talking about?

448. Six years ago?

449. Bernie, I'm not looking

450. for a fight.

451. Well, what the hell

452. going on, baby?

453. Don't get upset.

454. I just asked you a question.

455. I'm not getting upset,

456. but one minute

457. you come at me talking about,

458. "Is the car safe?"

459. Next, we talking

460. about another room.

461. What is you...

462. what-what...

463. What you really

464. want to know?

465. Don't put this on me,

466. Bernie.

467. I'm just saying,

468. you know

469. if we bring another person

470. in the house.

471. Say what, who, where, baby?

472. What are you talking about?

473. You're going to be like that,

474. let's just drop it.

475. I'm not acting...

476. What are you... ?

477. Wanda, what

478. am I dropping?

479. Huh? Baby!

480. Wanda.

481. She's nesting, man.

482. You're going

483. to have baby Bernies

484. before you know it.

485. Yo, yo.

486. She's ready

487. to have some

488. mini Macs, man.

489. Mm-hmm.

490. Uh-huh.

491. No, no, no, no.

492. Y'all wrong about that.

493. Y'all, y'all, y'all, y'all

494. truly wrong.

495. Wanda and I already talked

496. about it

497. and we ain't having no baby.

498. I put my foot down.

499. I put my foot down,

500. too.

501. Four times.

502. Kelly, how many kids

503. I got now?

504. Four.

505. Hey, watch your

506. back, man.

507. Watch your

508. back, man.

509. Watch your back.

510. You're ig'nant.

511. Yeah, seriously ig'nant.

512. Guess who the big

513. winner tonight?

514. Bernie Mac.

515. Baby, I trade

516. all my chips

517. to get a little

518. dip in your hip.

519. You're so silly, Bernie.

520. I wonder if our baby would be

521. as funny as his daddy.

522. Funny?

523. Baby?

524. Yeah.

525. If we had a baby

526. I wonder if he would have

527. your sense of humor.

528. Why you asking?

529. You trying to

530. get pregnant?

531. Wanda, you trying

532. to have a baby on me.

533. What are you talking about?

534. No, I know what

535. you talking about.

536. Oh, boy.

537. All of a sudden,

538. an extra room,

539. safe car.

540. You ain't been taking

541. your pills, have you?

542. What?

543. What?

544. What are you saying?

545. What you think

546. I'm saying?

547. What, you don't trust me?

548. What, you think

549. I'm trying to trap you?

550. If you have that little faith

551. in my character

552. then it's best

553. that we don't have a baby.

554. That's what I'm

555. talking about.

556. Why can't we have a baby?

557. Wanda, why you vexing

558. on me like this?

559. I'm not vexing on you.

560. You are. Next minute

561. you fighting

562. and one minute,

563. you crying.

564. Make up your

565. doggone mind.

566. You ain't answered

567. my question.

568. Oh, I answered

569. your question.

570. What was it?

571. We ain't having

572. no baby.

573. Case closed.

574. Case closed?

575. Case closed.

576. Case closed.

577. ( quietly ):

578. Case closed.

579. Come on, baby.

580. We bigger than that.

581. I know you ain't gonna go sleep

582. on no couch.

583. Oh... I'm not.

584. She's not sitting here

585. because she's really

586. embarrassed.

587. She didn't want to see

588. this part again.

589. Let me tell you what happened.

590. She was so upset that day

591. that she left the house

592. and I had no idea

593. where she went.

594. Where's Aunt Wanda?

595. She's out, baby girl.

596. She promised she would make

597. candles with us.

598. She said she was going to love

599. and obey me, so, you see?

600. I want to make candles!

601. Well, we can't right

602. now, baby girl.

603. Why?

604. Because Aunt

605. Wanda's not here.

606. Is Aunt Wanda in the rehab?

607. Six seconds on the 24...

608. Come on, come on, I'll make

609. some candles with you.

610. Your hour's up,

611. ma'am.

612. Are your fingers tired?

613. No, ma'am.

614. Then give me another hour.

615. Yes, ma'am.

616. What color you

617. making, Nessa?

618. I don't know.

619. I think I was going to

620. put, uh, these two colors.

621. Jordan, be careful.

622. You're getting

623. wax everywhere.

624. You got to be careful.

625. I'm making this candle

626. for Aunt Wanda.

627. It's her favorite color.

628. Oh, that's nice, baby girl.

629. I thought Aunt Wanda's

630. favorite color was blue.

631. Oh, I mean...

632. That's nice.

633. Auntie Wanda going to love

634. that, baby girl.

635. That's nice.

636. Hey, uh, where

637. is Aunt Wanda?

638. Uh, she went

639. to get some air.

640. This time, put some

641. sprinkles in it.

642. Miss, we don't usually put

643. sprinkles in the shakes.

644. I'm paying you.

645. Hook it up.

646. Please.

647. Which one did

648. you make?

649. I made all the cute ones.

650. You would.

651. I made all the ones

652. with faces like this one.

653. I think that one

654. was funny.

655. Look at his, all,

656. like, sinister.

657. Hey, Uncle Bernie?

658. Huh?

659. Which one did

660. you make?

661. Mine is...

662. He made the one

663. in the back.

664. Right here?

665. I think so.

666. Yeah,

667. I'm telling you...

668. I don't know...

669. Oh!

670. Baby girl,

671. look at you.

672. Ooh, Nessa,

673. watch her.

674. I got to get

675. some towels.

676. Watch her.

677. Oh...

678. No, don't touch it.

679. Aunt Wanda,

680. you finally came home.

681. We thought you

682. were mad at us.

683. Kids, I'm not mad at you.

684. Why would you say that?

685. 'Cause you said you would play

686. with us, but you went away.

687. Yeah, we haven't seen you

688. all day.

689. It's Bernie's

690. fault, isn't it?

691. No.

692. It's not his fault.

693. Well, partly.

694. But your Aunt Wanda has been

695. going through her own thing

696. and she's dealing with it.

697. What am I saying?

698. Look, I wanted to be

699. the mom this week.

700. And I forgot about that.

701. And I'm sorry.

702. But I have one day left.

703. And I want to be the mom again.

704. What do you say?

705. Let's go have some fun.

706. Yeah!

707. Yeah!

708. Yeah!

709. Okay, kids,

710. time for bed.

711. Already!

712. Yes, already.

713. Go brush your

714. teeth. Go on.

715. I'll be in to tuck

716. you in in a minute.

717. So, you're not mad

718. at me anymore, huh?

719. We should talk.

720. Yeah.

721. Look, here's the thing.

722. I may not have communicated

723. with you clearly

724. about what I want.

725. But you can't shut the door

726. on me when I talk to you.

727. Even if we decided

728. on something earlier.

729. Things change.

730. I've changed.

731. And I have a right

732. to do that, don't I?

733. Yes.

734. And you have to respect

735. that, right?

736. Right.

737. Come here, baby.

738. Hold on, hold on.

739. I'd appreciate it

740. if you wouldn't use

741. the word "baby" for a while.

742. Come here.

743. I love you.

744. I love you, too.

745. So, it all worked out

746. in the end.

747. It was a rough patch,

748. but I said my piece

749. and now my husband understands

750. my feelings.

751. Look, baby, I'm going to

752. be straight with you.

753. Okay?

754. You're my wife.

755. I love you.

756. And I respect you.

757. And if you want

758. to have a baby

759. I'm going to say...

760. let's just keep

761. it on the table.

762. Now, that don't mean yes,

763. it don't mean no, Wanda.

764. All it means is...

765. let's keep it

766. on the table.

767. Really?

768. Really.

769. Thank you.

770. Now, listen.

771. Give me a

772. little privacy.

773. I want to talk to

774. America by myself

775. on this one.

776. Okay.

777. Okay?

778. Love you.

779. I love you, too, baby.

780. Said it first.

781. I thought she'd never leave.

782. Now I can say

783. what I really feel.

784. She must be crazier than a...

785. Bernie Mac ain't having

786. no doggone baby, you got it?

787. And y'all better not tell her.

788. It's going to be

789. our little secret, America.

790. Case closed.

791. Well, at least for now.

792. "'Cause people change."

793. I ain't never changing.

794. I ain't changing my mind

795. for nothing.

796. Bernie, a 44-year-old,

797. running around

798. chasing some doggone baby.

799. Googoo gago my a—

800. Excuse me.

801. Look, y'all know I ain't crazy.

802. Y'all know,

803. and you feel the same way.

804. What do I look like

805. sitting up here?

806. "Get up.

807. Your time to change him."

808. In the middle

809. of the doggone night.

810. Man, I'll be... 50,

811. he'll be five.

812. Sitting there on a swing.

813. Pushing somebody, man,

814. grab my chest.

815. You crazy as heck.

816. Hmm!

817. You'd have a baby...

818. surprise us.

819. Oh, maybe she'll bring

820. a pizza or something.

821. Mmm, pizza.

822. Uh...

823. I think she was going

824. to bring crab legs.

825. You like crab legs?

826. Yes.

827. Yeah? What you

828. like about them?

829. Crab legs and... hmm...

830. shrimp and lobster.

831. Oh, that's

832. your favorite?

833. Boy, ain't nobody

834. going to take you out

835. when you get big.

836. Captioned by

837. Media Access Group at WGBH