The Bernie Mac Show 1x10

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2. and REGENCY TELEVISION

3. America

4. every marriage has it's ups

5. and downs

6. and Bernie Mac is no different.

7. And last week, it was down.

8. I mean, way down.

9. Shake your body down

10. to the ground... down.

11. And I want to tell you

12. about it.

13. But I have to be fair.

14. If there's one thing

15. last week taught me

16. it was that

17. it ain't always what I think

18. even though

19. it's the Bernie Mac Show.

20. But I still want to give you

21. both sides

22. so let me introduce someone

23. to you

24. with another point of view.

25. Wait a minute, baby.

26. Let me introduce you

27. to the people, okay?

28. And now, addressing America

29. for the very first time

30. I'd like to introduce

31. my best friend.

32. The sugar in my coffee.

33. The a la mode in my pie.

34. The black in my eyed-peas.

35. Miss Wanda.

36. Wanda Mac, y'all.

37. Oh. Now?

38. How you doing, baby?

39. Okay.

40. Hi. I'm Wanda Mac.

41. Look, America—

42. America right

43. in the middle.

44. Oh, oh. I'm sorry.

45. Yes.

46. Anyway, um, I had all

47. this vacation saved up

48. and I had to use it or lose it

49. so I thought it would be nice

50. to spend some time at home.

51. How did I do?

52. You did good, girl.

53. I did?

54. Are they still looking?

55. Yeah.

56. Now baby, get up.

57. No, no, Bernie.

58. You stay in bed.

59. I'll get the kids.

60. What?

61. I want to get them ready

62. for school.

63. Why?

64. Because I never get

65. to spend time with them.

66. This will be a real chance

67. for us to bond.

68. It'll be fun.

69. Baby, it might be

70. a lot of things

71. but fun ain't going

72. to be one of them.

73. Hey, you get to be the mom

74. all the time.

75. It's my vacation.

76. I want to be the mom.

77. Wanda, listen.

78. Why don't you try

79. something easy

80. like being a gardener

81. okay?

82. I got this.

83. Okay.

84. Suit yourself, baby.

85. But the key

86. to the liquor cabinet is

87. under the fern.

88. Wake up, Jordan.

89. Wipe the sandman

90. out your eyes.

91. Wake up, Sleeping Beauty.

92. Wakey, wakey.

93. That's right, everybody.

94. Rise and shine.

95. Let's start a beautiful day.

96. Where are the kids at?

97. They'll be out in a jiff.

98. How many times

99. did you call them?

100. Once.

101. Once?

102. You treat those kids

103. like they're civilized.

104. Come here.

105. Let me show you

106. how you wake the kids up.

107. Come on.

108. Just follow me.

109. All right, everybody,

110. get up.

111. You all know the routine.

112. I don't need you messing around.

113. Guess what, y'all?

114. It's... show time!

115. This is the ring leader

116. right here.

117. Get her started, you

118. got everybody else.

119. Right here.

120. Let's go.

121. Oh, yeah. I don't need

122. you messing around.

123. This boy here— he's

124. something else.

125. See? Hey, come on.

126. Get up. Get up there.

127. Yeah, keep

128. going. Yeah.

129. That boy hate water, man.

130. He hate water

131. worse than the cat.

132. Chase that. I see her.

133. You got to get

134. the blood circulating

135. through her hair.

136. Let's go.

137. Circulating.

138. See that there?

139. See that there?

140. All right, everybody.

141. All right.

142. I want everybody

143. in the bathroom.

144. Face washed, teeth brushed.

145. Hair combed.

146. I want you to move it.

147. Move it, move it!

148. Ow!

149. You could have untied it first.

150. Hey, baby, see

151. this is not hard.

152. You got to treat those

153. kids like they convicts.

154. You got to be creative.

155. You got to have

156. a little fun.

157. Look at that.

158. That was masterful.

159. That's a maestro

160. at work, baby.

161. Is he always like this?

162. Baby.

163. What you doing?

164. Making breakfast.

165. I'm going to show you breakfast.

166. You see this?

167. Bam, bam, bam!

168. That is called "breakfast."

169. This is a sad, sorry

170. excuse for breakfast.

171. They're not gonna eat

172. no egg Florentine.

173. They'll eat my

174. Eggs Florentine.

175. No, they're not.

176. Yes, they will.

177. I bet they don't.

178. Fine.

179. Go ahead and eat

180. cold cereal

181. for all I care.

182. I-I-I eat one of them.

183. Listen, baby, I like

184. your eggs Florentine.

185. I don't have no...

186. Hey, why don't

187. you make the kids

188. some of your apricot

189. crepe sometime?

190. That's delicious.

191. I'm just saying

192. baby, they black.

193. I'm black.

194. Let's move on.

195. Hey, I'm pulling out

196. in exactly 90 seconds.

197. Wait, here's your lunches.

198. Here's your lunches.

199. Here you go.

200. Here you go.

201. Here you go.

202. Hey, Bryana, honey,

203. tie your shoe.

204. I don't know

205. how to tie my shoes.

206. It's not hard.

207. I'll show you.

208. We ain't got a lot

209. of time.

210. We're under the gun now.

211. You take one lace,

212. you make a bunny ear.

213. You take the other lace,

214. make another bunny ear.

215. You fold it under

216. and voila!

217. Tied shoes.

218. Now you try it.

219. One lace.

220. Go under.

221. No, no, no, no.

222. You got to make a bunny

223. ear with this lace.

224. Wanda, we got to go.

225. Then you make a

226. bunny ear with...

227. This will just

228. take a second.

229. And then you take

230. another bunny ear

231. and then you put that...

232. Then you turn it around,

233. and you flip it in there

234. and you

235. squeeze it.

236. Ow!

237. All right, let's go.

238. To the car.

239. We got to go.

240. You really could use a lesson

241. in patience.

242. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

243. Some other time.

244. Right now, we got

245. a story to tell.

246. Why don't you tell

247. the American people

248. what happened when

249. you tried to put

250. the kids to bed?

251. Tell 'em that, baby.

252. What?

253. What... ?

254. They were perfect

255. little angels.

256. You got to hold it

257. under the water.

258. That's why...

259. Get in the...

260. No, I want bubbles.

261. Bubbles give you a rash.

262. Get in.

263. It's only

264. that one time.

265. Hey, didn't I

266. tell you to get

267. off that phone?

268. Ow! I am getting off.

269. Now!

270. I am!

271. Nobody.

272. Bryana, please.

273. Get in that tub now!

274. Oh, boy...

275. No. I got time.

276. That was too much.

277. Mm.

278. Okay?

279. Mm.

280. They are not perfect

281. little angels.

282. Oh, yeah.

283. They are monsters.

284. I've been

285. telling you.

286. Y'all be trying

287. to make me like

288. I'm the bad guy.

289. Ooh, baby, I'm sorry.

290. Bet you want to

291. bust their heads...

292. What? I wanted to kill them.

293. Really, honey?

294. Excuse me.

295. Americans see

296. them every day.

297. They understand.

298. They know.

299. But I did have one

300. small victory.

301. Well, that was

302. a victory?

303. You know that was

304. a victory. Hush.

305. Watch.

306. You will take a

307. bath and like it.

308. I won't take a bath.

309. No, it's cold.

310. Well, that's

311. too bad.

312. No. I don't like

313. this tub.

314. Sit in this tub.

315. Oh, ow!

316. And stay there.

317. Oh.

318. Bryana, I put you

319. to bed an hour ago.

320. What are you doing up?

321. Look, Aunt Wanda.

322. I tied my shoes.

323. What?

324. I tied my shoes

325. all by myself,

326. just like you taught me.

327. Bernie

328. you won't believe

329. what Bryana just did.

330. Use bleach, baby.

331. Lots and lots of bleach.

332. No. She tied her shoes.

333. What?

334. She tied her shoes

335. all by herself

336. just like I taught her.

337. It was incredible!

338. That's great.

339. That means less work

340. for me now.

341. I taught her something

342. that she would take with her

343. for the rest of her life.

344. It's an unbelievable feeling.

345. I-I can't describe it.

346. Actually, baby

347. sometime it's hard

348. to find the right words

349. but maybe when you come back

350. from getting me a beer

351. your thoughts

352. will done crystallized

353. but you did good.

354. Honey, you did good.

355. Hey, Patricia.

356. Hey, Wanda.

357. What are you doing out

358. during the day?

359. I'm spending the

360. week with the kids.

361. Oh.

362. Oh, and I'm so glad

363. that I did it.

364. I had the most

365. incredible experience.

366. I taught Bryana

367. to tie her shoe!

368. Uh-huh.

369. That's it.

370. Oh.

371. I know it sounds silly

372. but it was so exciting.

373. I think for the first time

374. I know what it feels

375. like to be a mom.

376. Well, I'm very happy

377. for you, Wanda.

378. Thank you.

379. Oh.

380. What's wrong?

381. Oh, nothing.

382. She's just kicking.

383. Ooh, here, feel.

384. Oh, my God!

385. That's amazing.

386. Yeah, it's something else, huh?

387. Yeah.

388. Ooh, she

389. kicked again.

390. Yeah. Yes, she does it

391. all day.

392. All day?

393. Mm-hmm.

394. Wow!

395. What does that

396. feel like?

397. I... I can't explain it.

398. Aunt Wanda?

399. Ooh. Yes, baby.

400. Are you pretending?

401. Yes, baby.

402. Okay.

403. There's only one guy I'd want

404. to handle the ball right now.

405. Shaw yo-yoing up and down.

406. Run it down, fellas.

407. Nine on the clock.

408. Shaw over.

409. Back to Shaw.

410. Six seconds on the 24th.

411. Ah, doggone kid.

412. Boy, shook my doggone

413. beer up like that.

414. That don't make

415. no doggone sense.

416. What a play

417. by Kobe Bryant.

418. That's the guy I said...

419. Bernie

420. you think

421. I should trade in my car?

422. You just got

423. the car.

424. So you think it's safe?

425. I don't think anything, baby.

426. How can you say it's safe?

427. Wanda, I didn't say

428. it was safe.

429. I think we should be

430. more concerned about safety.

431. There's kids in the house.

432. Okay, Wanda.

433. Think about safety.

434. I'm sorry.

435. I don't know why

436. I'm saying I'm sorry

437. but I'm sorry.

438. I said it, okay?

439. Bernie?

440. Bernie, I was

441. just thinking.

442. What now?

443. Remember when we talked

444. about adding another room?

445. What are you talking about?

446. Six years ago?

447. Bernie, I'm not looking

448. for a fight.

449. Well, what the hell

450. going on, baby?

451. Don't get upset.

452. I just asked you a question.

453. I'm not getting upset,

454. but one minute

455. you come at me talking about,

456. "Is the car safe?"

457. Next, we talking

458. about another room.

459. What is you...

460. what-what...

461. What you really

462. want to know?

463. Don't put this on me,

464. Bernie.

465. I'm just saying,

466. you know

467. if we bring another person

468. in the house.

469. Say what, who, where, baby?

470. What are you talking about?

471. You're going to be like that,

472. let's just drop it.

473. I'm not acting...

474. What are you... ?

475. Wanda, what

476. am I dropping?

477. Huh? Baby!

478. Wanda.

479. She's nesting, man.

480. You're going

481. to have baby Bernies

482. before you know it.

483. Yo, yo.

484. She's ready

485. to have some

486. mini Macs, man.

487. Mm-hmm.

488. Uh-huh.

489. No, no, no, no.

490. Y'all wrong about that.

491. Y'all, y'all, y'all, y'all

492. truly wrong.

493. Wanda and I already talked

494. about it

495. and we ain't having no baby.

496. I put my foot down.

497. I put my foot down,

498. too.

499. Four times.

500. Kelly, how many kids

501. I got now?

502. Four.

503. Hey, watch your

504. back, man.

505. Watch your

506. back, man.

507. Watch your back.

508. You're ig'nant.

509. Yeah, seriously ig'nant.

510. Guess who the big

511. winner tonight?

512. Bernie Mac.

513. Baby, I trade

514. all my chips

515. to get a little

516. dip in your hip.

517. You're so silly, Bernie.

518. I wonder if our baby would be

519. as funny as his daddy.

520. Funny?

521. Baby?

522. Yeah.

523. If we had a baby

524. I wonder if he would have

525. your sense of humor.

526. Why you asking?

527. You trying to

528. get pregnant?

529. Wanda, you trying

530. to have a baby on me.

531. What are you talking about?

532. No, I know what

533. you talking about.

534. Oh, boy.

535. All of a sudden,

536. an extra room,

537. safe car.

538. You ain't been taking

539. your pills, have you?

540. What?

541. What?

542. What are you saying?

543. What you think

544. I'm saying?

545. What, you don't trust me?

546. What, you think

547. I'm trying to trap you?

548. If you have that little faith

549. in my character

550. then it's best

551. that we don't have a baby.

552. That's what I'm

553. talking about.

554. Why can't we have a baby?

555. Wanda, why you vexing

556. on me like this?

557. I'm not vexing on you.

558. You are. Next minute

559. you fighting

560. and one minute,

561. you crying.

562. Make up your

563. doggone mind.

564. You ain't answered

565. my question.

566. Oh, I answered

567. your question.

568. What was it?

569. We ain't having

570. no baby.

571. Case closed.

572. Case closed?

573. Case closed.

574. Case closed.

575. Case closed.

576. Come on, baby.

577. We bigger than that.

578. I know you ain't gonna go sleep

579. on no couch.

580. Oh... I'm not.

581. She's not sitting here

582. because she's really

583. embarrassed.

584. She didn't want to see

585. this part again.

586. Let me tell you what happened.

587. She was so upset that day

588. that she left the house

589. and I had no idea

590. where she went.

591. Where's Aunt Wanda?

592. She's out, baby girl.

593. She promised she would make

594. candles with us.

595. She said she was going to love

596. and obey me, so, you see?

597. I want to make candles!

598. Well, we can't right

599. now, baby girl.

600. Why?

601. Because Aunt

602. Wanda's not here.

603. Is Aunt Wanda in the rehab?

604. Six seconds on the 24...

605. Come on, come on, I'll make

606. some candles with you.

607. Your hour's up,

608. ma'am.

609. Are your fingers tired?

610. No, ma'am.

611. Then give me another hour.

612. Yes, ma'am.

613. What color you

614. making, Nessa?

615. I don't know.

616. I think I was going to

617. put, uh, these two colors.

618. Jordan, be careful.

619. You're getting

620. wax everywhere.

621. You got to be careful.

622. I'm making this candle

623. for Aunt Wanda.

624. It's her favorite color.

625. Oh, that's nice, baby girl.

626. I thought Aunt Wanda's

627. favorite color was blue.

628. Oh, I mean...

629. That's nice.

630. Auntie Wanda going to love

631. that, baby girl.

632. That's nice.

633. Hey, uh, where

634. is Aunt Wanda?

635. Uh, she went

636. to get some air.

637. This time, put some

638. sprinkles in it.

639. Miss, we don't usually put

640. sprinkles in the shakes.

641. I'm paying you.

642. Hook it up.

643. Please.

644. Which one did

645. you make?

646. I made all the cute ones.

647. You would.

648. I made all the ones

649. with faces like this one.

650. I think that one

651. was funny.

652. Look at his, all,

653. like, sinister.

654. Hey, Uncle Bernie?

655. Huh?

656. Which one did

657. you make?

658. Mine is...

659. He made the one

660. in the back.

661. Right here?

662. I think so.

663. Yeah,

664. I'm telling you...

665. I don't know...

666. Oh!

667. Baby girl,

668. look at you.

669. Ooh, Nessa,

670. watch her.

671. I got to get

672. some towels.

673. Watch her.

674. Oh...

675. No, don't touch it.

676. Aunt Wanda,

677. you finally came home.

678. We thought you

679. were mad at us.

680. Kids, I'm not mad at you.

681. Why would you say that?

682. 'Cause you said you would play

683. with us, but you went away.

684. Yeah, we haven't seen you

685. all day.

686. It's Bernie's

687. fault, isn't it?

688. No.

689. It's not his fault.

690. Well, partly.

691. But your Aunt Wanda has been

692. going through her own thing

693. and she's dealing with it.

694. What am I saying?

695. Look, I wanted to be

696. the mom this week.

697. And I forgot about that.

698. And I'm sorry.

699. But I have one day left.

700. And I want to be the mom again.

701. What do you say?

702. Let's go have some fun.

703. Yeah!

704. Yeah!

705. Yeah!

706. Okay, kids,

707. time for bed.

708. Already!

709. Yes, already.

710. Go brush your

711. teeth. Go on.

712. I'll be in to tuck

713. you in in a minute.

714. So, you're not mad

715. at me anymore, huh?

716. We should talk.

717. Yeah.

718. Look, here's the thing.

719. I may not have communicated

720. with you clearly

721. about what I want.

722. But you can't shut the door

723. on me when I talk to you.

724. Even if we decided

725. on something earlier.

726. Things change.

727. I've changed.

728. And I have a right

729. to do that, don't I?

730. Yes.

731. And you have to respect

732. that, right?

733. Right.

734. Come here, baby.

735. Hold on, hold on.

736. I'd appreciate it

737. if you wouldn't use

738. the word "baby" for a while.

739. Come here.

740. I love you.

741. I love you, too.

742. So, it all worked out

743. in the end.

744. It was a rough patch,

745. but I said my piece

746. and now my husband understands

747. my feelings.

748. Look, baby, I'm going to

749. be straight with you.

750. Okay?

751. You're my wife.

752. I love you.

753. And I respect you.

754. And if you want

755. to have a baby

756. I'm going to say...

757. let's just keep

758. it on the table.

759. Now, that don't mean yes,

760. it don't mean no, Wanda.

761. All it means is...

762. let's keep it

763. on the table.

764. Really?

765. Really.

766. Thank you.

767. Now, listen.

768. Give me a

769. little privacy.

770. I want to talk to

771. America by myself

772. on this one.

773. Okay.

774. Okay?

775. Love you.

776. I love you, too, baby.

777. Said it first.

778. I thought she'd never leave.

779. Now I can say

780. what I really feel.

781. She must be crazier than a...

782. Bernie Mac ain't having

783. no doggone baby, you got it?

784. And y'all better not tell her.

785. It's going to be

786. our little secret, America.

787. Case closed.

788. Well, at least for now.

789. "'Cause people change."

790. I ain't never changing.

791. I ain't changing my mind

792. for nothing.

793. Bernie, a 44-year-old,

794. running around

795. chasing some doggone baby.

796. Googoo gago my a—

797. Excuse me.

798. Look, y'all know I ain't crazy.

799. Y'all know,

800. and you feel the same way.

801. What do I look like

802. sitting up here?

803. "Get up.

804. Your time to change him."

805. In the middle

806. of the doggone night.

807. Man, I'll be... 50,

808. he'll be five.

809. Sitting there on a swing.

810. Pushing somebody, man,

811. grab my chest.

812. You crazy as heck.

813. Hmm!

814. You'd have a baby...

815. surprise us.

816. Oh, maybe she'll bring

817. a pizza or something.

818. Mmm, pizza.

819. Uh...

820. I think she was going

821. to bring crab legs.

822. You like crab legs?

823. Yes.

824. Yeah? What you

825. like about them?

826. Crab legs and... hmm...

827. shrimp and lobster.

828. Oh, that's

829. your favorite?

830. Boy, ain't nobody

831. going to take you out

832. when you get big.

833. Captioned by

834. Media Access Group at WGBH