The Bernie Mac Show 1x1

1. Damn...

2. this is a good cigar.

3. You can tell a good cigar

4. by the way it feels

5. and this feels

6. like a good cigar.

7. Look at that smoke.

8. That's good cigar smoke, there,

9. boy...

10. but I ain't here to talk

11. about cigars.

12. I'm here to tell you that, uh...

13. I'm gonna kill

14. one of them kids.

15. Oh, don't get me wrong—

16. I love 'em.

17. They my blood.

18. I'd give 'em the shirt

19. off my back.

20. You ever see a chicken

21. with his neck wrung

22. laying to the side

23. all lazy and weak?

24. That's what I'm gonna do

25. to them kids.

26. "Talk back to me one more time."

27. Snap!

28. I'm gonna snap they neck off.

29. Eh! They too sassy.

30. They too grown today.

31. They talk back too much.

32. Aah, I know what you're saying

33. to Mac.

34. I don't care

35. what you talkin' about.

36. "Bernie Mac cruel.

37. Bernie Mac beat his kids."

38. I don't care.

39. That's your opinion

40. 'cause you don't know the story.

41. You don't know what went down...

42. and they're not my kids.

43. So, why are you mad at him?

44. Because he turned you in?

45. Girl, you stole from him.

46. I would've turned you in.

47. America, let's talk.

48. Yeah, my sister's on drugs.

49. That's okay.

50. Some of your family member's

51. are messed up, too.

52. What am I supposed to do

53. allow these three kids to go

54. to the State or some foster home

55. or some white couple?

56. Ah-ah, hold on,

57. this ain't about race.

58. It's not about race.

59. I just don't want to hear them

60. talking all proper like that.

61. You know what I'm saying?

62. That's all I'm trying to say.

63. What, they got to sit there

64. and share food

65. with 40 other kids?

66. No, that ain't right.

67. I'm trying to do the right thing

68. and sometime the right thing

69. may not be the right thing.

70. Well, I'm gonna do

71. the right thing.

72. Just be careful.

73. Did you hear

74. what I said?

75. You don't know what you're

76. getting yourself into.

77. Are you listening to me?

78. Yeah. Yeah.

79. Bernie Mac.

80. I feel for his sister

81. but what does Bernie Mac know

82. about raising kids?

83. He's a comedian.

84. He tells "yo mama" jokes...

85. and how am I gonna explain

86. to AT&T

87. that I'm late for work again

88. because my husband's

89. taping a TV show

90. and I spent the morning

91. cleaning poop

92. out of the light socket?

93. They don't play that.

94. They are AT&T.

95. That's just my opinion.

96. ( intro playing

97. to "Living for the City" )

98. Yo, yo, yo,

99. you're Bernie Mac.

100. Yeah.

101. Excuse me,

102. are you Bernie Mac?

103. Yeah, yeah, I'm Bernie.

104. Are you waiting

105. for three children?

106. Yeah.

107. We have a little problem.

108. What's the problem?

109. What do you mean, "They don't

110. want to get off the plane"?

111. Well, the two

112. girls are fine

113. but the little boy just

114. freaked out on our descent.

115. Uh, he was crying.

116. Then, he started coughing.

117. He sounded pre-asthmatic.

118. I know, because my

119. nephew Timmy is a pre;

120. sounds exactly like that.

121. Anyway, he kept saying

122. he wanted to go home.

123. It was really sad.

124. Oh, and I think

125. he wet his pants.

126. Anyway, I told Stephanie,

127. "Give him some wings."

128. Sir, I-I get it.

129. Thank you.

130. Okay. Mr. Mac?

131. Yes?

132. They're this way.

133. Thank you.

134. Hey...

135. Hey, kids.

136. It's your Uncle Bernie.

137. What the hell was that?

138. Hey, little man.

139. I'm so sorry, man,

140. about stepping on your foot.

141. Well, listen

142. you all are gonna

143. really love it here.

144. You are.

145. It's gonna feel

146. just like home, trust me.

147. Oh, you live

148. in the projects?

149. Oho, you're pretty funny, there,

150. little girl.

151. Pretty funny, there.

152. Real nice.

153. Hey, look at that.

154. Look at that.

155. Look at that big-ass doughnut.

156. Anybody want a

157. big-ass doughnut?

158. That's the best big-ass doughnut

159. I ever had in my life.

160. Damn.

161. Mmm-mmm.

162. You guys sure

163. you don't want a bite

164. of this big-ass doughnut?

165. We don't feel

166. like eating.

167. Good. You ain't gotta eat.

168. You ain't hurting me.

169. I'm full.

170. My stomach hurt, anyway.

171. Psychology.

172. Know what I should've got?

173. Damn.

174. I should've got a big-ass

175. chocolate milk.

176. Uncle Bernie,

177. you're funny.

178. I'm a very funny man.

179. Bryana, what's wrong, baby?

180. What's wrong with you?

181. I want a doughnut, too.

182. Oh, baby

183. that ain't no problem.

184. Here, you can have

185. anything you want.

186. Whatever you want, just ask

187. your Uncle Bernie, hear?

188. Can I have a

189. big-ass bike?

190. Watch your mouth.

191. All right, kids...

192. home, sweet, home.

193. Hey! Come in, come in!

194. Welcome home!

195. Oh, you kids have grown.

196. Hi, Aunt Wanda.

197. Now, I know you kids

198. have been through a lot lately

199. and I want you to know that

200. we love you very much, okay?

201. Could you spend a day with us,

202. Aunt Wanda?

203. Aw, Sweetness, your Aunt Wanda

204. would like nothing better

205. than to spend tomorrow filling

206. her heart bowl

207. with your sugar

208. but your Aunt Wanda

209. works for AT&T, Precious

210. and she can't just up and miss.

211. They don't play that.

212. Okay.

213. In order for us

214. to live as a family

215. I got to set down

216. a few house rules.

217. First, this is my house.

218. Don't get me wrong—

219. this is our home

220. but this is my house.

221. Mi casa is mi casa.

222. Close your mouth,

223. boy.

224. Second, in my house

225. this is all my stuff

226. and you are not

227. to touch my stuff

228. without my permission.

229. Let me break it down:

230. Don't touch my TV

231. don't touch my DVD

232. don't touch my dual-deck VCR

233. and, most definitely

234. don't touch the remote

235. that works the TV

236. the DVD and the dual-deck VCR.

237. Any questions?

238. Can we touch...?

239. No, you can't touch nothing.

240. Matter of fact,

241. don't even look at it.

242. When you walk past it,

243. close your eyes.

244. Come on over here.

245. I got something else

246. very important to show you.

247. This is deep.

248. Don't touch my old school

249. my new school, my slow jams,

250. my party jams

251. my happy rap...

252. and you better not touch

253. my James Brown

254. or somebody's

255. really gonna get hurt.

256. You understand?

257. Now, y'all children,

258. y'all come on

259. let's have some ice cream.

260. Come on.

261. "Bernie Mac, why you so strict?"

262. Tough love is good for them.

263. I don't play.

264. Never did play.

265. This small— never smiled

266. or nothing.

267. Hated school

268. 'cause they had recess.

269. Teacher told me,

270. "Go outside, have a recess."

271. I didn't go,

272. 'cause I don't play.

273. Didn't I tell you

274. not to touch this, boy?

275. Didn't I tell you

276. not to touch this, Jordan?

277. Yes or no?

278. Oh, man, oh, man, come on.

279. Don't start.

280. What did I say?

281. Stop that crying!

282. All I did

283. was ask a question, now.

284. Aw, no, you're not.

285. No, you're not.

286. Did you wet on yourself?

287. Are you wetting on yourself?

288. Come here, boy!

289. Don't you run from me!

290. Come on...

291. Oh, man... come here!

292. I'm cool.

293. Everything's cool.

294. If it don't apply...

295. let it fly.

296. You know...

297. I'm too old.

298. What?

299. I need to go

300. to the store.

301. I need to go to the Bahamas.

302. Got a solution?

303. What you need to go

304. to the store for, baby girl?

305. I need to pick up some things.

306. We got things here.

307. No, I need to pick up some,

308. um... personal things.

309. What type of personal things

310. you need to...?

311. Aw, no, no.

312. You're only thir—

313. Aw, man, no,

314. don't do that.

315. You're only

316. 13 years old, man.

317. Whoo!

318. I need my medicine!

319. Oh... aw, Jordan,

320. why didn't you tell me?

321. Cover your...

322. cover your mouth, boy.

323. It's nasty.

324. Hey! Hey!

325. You're Bernie Mac,

326. ain't you?

327. Hey, brother.

328. How you doing?

329. Aw, Bernie, man

330. I ain't ate in

331. two weeks, brother.

332. Who we kidding?

333. Two weeks!

334. Just two.

335. It's been so

336. long, brother

337. I forgot what food

338. tastes like anymore.

339. Man, you know what?

340. I wouldn't even

341. worry about it.

342. No?

343. No.

344. Why not?

345. 'Cause it still tastes the same.

346. Aw, man!

347. Yeah, right.

348. Yeah, okay.

349. We got the fax

350. from his doctor in Chicago.

351. Oh, good. Good.

352. We have his medicines

353. in stock.

354. Good. Good.

355. So just sign here.

356. Sign... right here?

357. Yeah. Has he had

358. any Proventil today?

359. Pro-who?

360. Proventil.

361. It's for his cough.

362. He wasn't coughing

363. this morning.

364. Well, what about Tilade

365. or Flovent?

366. No, he's cool.

367. I gave him a couple of Vicks

368. about a half an hour ago.

369. You gave him cough drops?

370. Yeah. The cherry

371. bubble gum kind.

372. No... this boy's

373. pre-asthmatic.

374. Unless you use

375. a steroidal inhaler

376. he's going to be

377. in a lot of trouble.

378. Are you the legal guardian?

379. Look, ma'am, I'm doing

380. the best I can, you know?

381. Just give me my medicine.

382. Please.

383. The cherry

384. bubble gum kind.

385. You know, he like

386. that sweet.

387. Give it back!

388. Just... ma'am, please

389. can I have the

390. cherry bubble gum?

391. I'll be... I'll

392. be right back.

393. Give it back!

394. Give it— oh,

395. give it back!

396. Look, stop, stop—

397. stop this arguing!

398. Stop it! Stop it!

399. She won't

400. give it back!

401. Jordan, Jordan, Jordan...

402. Jordan, there's hundreds

403. of boxes of cereal on there.

404. Get some Count Chocula

405. or something.

406. I don't want

407. Count Chocula!

408. I want mine!

409. Boy, quit being so soft here!

410. You always crying!

411. You got to be a man!

412. I don't want

413. to be a man!

414. I want my cereal!

415. Boy, you getting ready...?

416. You ain't fixin' to piss

417. up in here?

418. Come here. Come here.

419. What y'all lookin' at?

420. What you lookin' at?

421. Watch out, now.

422. Hot cold urine.

423. Watch out! Watch out!

424. Urine!

425. I know you

426. can make it.

427. You can hold it, boy.

428. Hold it!

429. Ain't nothing but

430. a little piss.

431. Lady, look out.

432. Lady! Lady!

433. He peed on

434. the film counter?

435. Urine.

436. Where were you?

437. I was holding

438. the boy.

439. You held him while he peed

440. on somebody's family photos?

441. No, they were developing

442. the film fast—

443. What the hell you think

444. I was doing, Wanda?

445. I was trying to get

446. the boy to the bathroom.

447. I had his pants down.

448. He ain't right.

449. He ain't right.

450. Bernie, those kids

451. have been through hell.

452. He probably just misses

453. his mama

454. and that's his way

455. of expressing it.

456. When I was his age, baby,

457. I missed my daddy, too

458. but I still held

459. my damn bowels.

460. Well, that's good.

461. You know, but at

462. some point, the boy

463. got to be a man.

464. I think that point is 18,

465. not eight.

466. Not everybody is as strong

467. as Bernie Mac, you know.

468. Well, you got that right.

469. Mm-hmm.

470. Medicine time.

471. I got to get used to

472. this, I'm telling you.

473. You will. You will.

474. Oh, man, come on.

475. You told me that!

476. It's on you, Bernie Mac,

477. it's on you

478. or should I call

479. you, "Daddy Mac"?

480. He got babies now.

481. Oh, that's wrong.

482. Hey, if you

483. needed kids, man

484. you could've asked me.

485. I got a couple

486. I ain't using.

487. And a couple

488. he ain't seen.

489. Lemme tell you something—

490. y'all real, real funny.

491. Real funny...

492. 'cause you play

493. with a puppy

494. you get licked

495. in the mouth.

496. You play with a dog...

497. You get your ass bit.

498. Yes?

499. Can I help you?

500. Yeah, she probably just

501. didn't want to interrupt.

502. That's her way of

503. showing you respect.

504. Give me the phone.

505. What phone?

506. See what I mean?

507. I'm not going

508. to knock again,

509. Vanessa.

510. Can you hold on, please?

511. Hold on?

512. Vanessa!

513. He is trippin', okay?

514. I'll call you back.

515. Okay, bye.

516. Didn't I tell you

517. don't touch nothing

518. without my permission?

519. You didn't say the phone.

520. I didn't say the phone?

521. You said, "Don't touch

522. the TV, the VCR, the DVD

523. your old school,

524. your new school

525. and your happy rap

526. but you never said

527. we couldn't touch the phone.

528. Technically, she right...

529. technically.

530. It ain't about the phone.

531. It's about the simple

532. things in life.

533. About teaching you respect,

534. you understand?

535. Whatever.

536. "Whatever"?

537. "Whatever" ain't no answer.

538. How about, "Yes, sir,

539. Uncle Bernie"?

540. You hear what I said?

541. You ain't none of my daddy.

542. I ain't none of

543. your what?

544. What'd you say to me?

545. Let me tell you something.

546. I got news for you—

547. I'm not trying to be your daddy.

548. Good!

549. "Good"?

550. "Good"?

551. Can you believe this?

552. Y'all keep watching.

553. It get worse.

554. "Good." Like I'm a sissy

555. or something... okay.

556. You keep on talking to me with

557. that attitude, little girl—

558. I may not be your daddy

559. but I'll whup your ass

560. just like your daddy.

561. And you'll go to jail

562. like you was my daddy, too.

563. Don't come out.

564. I'm gonna bust your head

565. till the white meat...

566. Come on out, Vanessa!

567. That's right, I said

568. I'm gonna bust her head

569. till the white meat show

570. and I ain't ashamed

571. that I said it

572. and ain't nobody

573. gonna make me take it back.

574. "Corporal punishment"?

575. Man, I spanked the boy

576. on his behind in the store.

577. Who told you that?

578. That's not important,

579. Mr. Mac.

580. What's important...

581. No, no, Mr. Cooley.

582. Who told you that?

583. Well, the oldest girl, but...

584. Vanessa?

585. You can't believe

586. anything she says.

587. She's just a child, Mr. Cooley.

588. She also said

589. that you threatened

590. to "whup her

591. like you were her daddy."

592. She... she dissed me

593. in front of my boys, Mr. Cooley.

594. Now, come on,

595. you just don't do that.

596. Okay, did you also say you're

597. "going to bust her head

598. till the white meat shows"?

599. That's... they're my boys.

600. Mr. Mac...

601. Come on...

602. Mr. Mac, between that

603. and the profanity...

604. Hold on,

605. hold on, hold on.

606. I don't use no profanity

607. in front of those children.

608. That's a lie—

609. now who told you...

610. You didn't say,

611. "big-ass doughnut"?

612. Who-Who told you that?

613. The littlest one

614. but the point is, I'm here

615. to help, not to hinder.

616. You want the kids

617. to live here;

618. I want the kids to live here.

619. You know I want the kids

620. to live here, Cooley.

621. Come on, now.

622. Neither of us wants a situation.

623. Come on, Cooley.

624. Are you a smoker?

625. Cigars— every night,

626. I smoke a cigar.

627. But you don't...

628. No, no, I smoke

629. in the den if I do.

630. Only in the den.

631. My wife...

632. In the den.

633. My wife, she don't

634. like it, I swear.

635. Trying to take

636. my babies from me.

637. They take my babies from me,

638. I'm lost.

639. Without them, I'm nothing.

640. Lord, you know

641. I do everything you ask.

642. You can take the kids,

643. but you can't take my babies.

644. Y'all got the camera on!

645. Ain't nothing sacred?

646. Cut the camera off.

647. I'm scared.

648. Bryana?

649. Come here, baby girl.

650. What you scared of?

651. You.

652. Me?

653. Why are you scared of me?

654. I'm sorry

655. I broke your record.

656. You told me not to touch it,

657. but I touched it.

658. I didn't mean to, but I did.

659. That's all right.

660. Don't worry about it.

661. I can replace it.

662. Really?

663. No...

664. but if you say

665. you're sorry

666. that's the right thing

667. to do

668. and I'll forgive you

669. and I'm sorry

670. if I scared you, okay?

671. Okay.

672. I forgive you.

673. You forgive me?

674. Thank you, baby girl.

675. Come on, let's get back to bed.

676. Come on.

677. Uncle Bernie?

678. Huh?

679. Are you our daddy now?

680. No, I'm still

681. ol' Uncle Bernie, okay?

682. Can I call you,

683. "Uncle Daddy"?

684. No.

685. You keep calling me,

686. "Uncle Bernie," okay?

687. Okay.

688. Come on.

689. You see what I'm talking about?

690. See what I'm saying?

691. What am I supposed to do?

692. Hide my feelings? Lie?

693. Come on, man, we're family.

694. You and I— family.

695. When I say I want to kill

696. those kids

697. you know what I mean.

698. I don't have to explain.

699. Come on— Bernie Mac just say

700. what you want to say but can't

701. but that's all right.

702. I'm the bad guy.

703. I'll be the bad guy.

704. See, I just...

705. I'm sorry.

706. Now, that's a start.

707. That's most definitely a start.

708. [Captioning sponsored by

709. and REGENCY TELEVISION

710. Captioned by

711. The Caption Center

712. Educational Foundation]

713. See, America? Y'all thought

714. I was all wrong and everything.

715. Y'all...

716. I'm sorry, too.

717. Sorry?

718. What did you do?

719. You don't know?

720. Cut the camera off.

721. Cut the camera off.

722. Come here!

723. Come here!

724. Hey, look!

725. Hey, hey,

726. how you doing?

727. I can't believe it's you!

728. Okay.

729. Grandma, Grandpa!

730. Do they know you?

731. Grandpa,

732. that's Bernie Mac.

733. He's so funny.

734. I remember when he said,

735. "I ain't scared of your..."

736. Hey, hey, hey.

737. Just stay tight

738. with your grandparents, okay?

739. Oh, these kids

740. sure love you.

741. I don't know

742. about that, sir.

743. Thank you very much.

744. Thank you.

745. No, thank you.

746. Y'all have a good one, hear?

747. All right.