The Bernie Mac Show 1x1

1. Damn...

2. this is a good cigar.

3. You can tell a good cigar

4. by the way it feels

5. and this feels

6. like a good cigar.

7. Look at that smoke.

8. That's good cigar smoke, there,

9. boy...

10. but I ain't here to talk

11. about cigars.

12. I'm here to tell you that, uh...

13. I'm gonna kill

14. one of them kids.

15. Oh, don't get me wrong—

16. I love 'em.

17. They my blood.

18. I'd give 'em the shirt

19. off my back.

20. You ever see a chicken

21. with his neck wrung

22. laying to the side

23. all lazy and weak?

24. That's what I'm gonna do

25. to them kids.

26. "Talk back to me one more time."

27. Snap!

28. I'm gonna snap they neck off.

29. Eh! They too sassy.

30. They too grown today.

31. They talk back too much.

32. Aah, I know what you're saying

33. to Mac.

34. I don't care

35. what you talkin' about.

36. "Bernie Mac cruel.

37. Bernie Mac beat his kids."

38. I don't care.

39. That's your opinion

40. 'cause you don't know the story.

41. You don't know what went down...

42. and they're not my kids.

43. So, why are you mad at him?

44. Because he turned you in?

45. Girl, you stole from him.

46. I would've turned you in.

47. America, let's talk.

48. Yeah, my sister's on drugs.

49. That's okay.

50. Some of your family member's

51. are messed up, too.

52. What am I supposed to do

53. allow these three kids to go

54. to the State or some foster home

55. or some white couple?

56. Ah-ah, hold on,

57. this ain't about race.

58. It's not about race.

59. I just don't want to hear them

60. talking all proper like that.

61. You know what I'm saying?

62. That's all I'm trying to say.

63. What, they got to sit there

64. and share food

65. with 40 other kids?

66. No, that ain't right.

67. ( voice breaking ):

68. I'm trying to do the right thing

69. and sometime the right thing

70. may not be the right thing.

71. Well, I'm gonna do

72. the right thing.

73. Just be careful.

74. Did you hear

75. what I said?

76. You don't know what you're

77. getting yourself into.

78. Are you listening to me?

79. Yeah. Yeah.

80. Bernie Mac.

81. I feel for his sister

82. but what does Bernie Mac know

83. about raising kids?

84. He's a comedian.

85. He tells "yo mama" jokes...

86. and how am I gonna explain

87. to AT&T

88. that I'm late for work again

89. because my husband's

90. taping a TV show

91. and I spent the morning

92. cleaning poop

93. out of the light socket?

94. They don't play that.

95. They are AT&T.

96. That's just my opinion.

97. ( intro playing

98. to "Living for the City" )

99. Yo, yo, yo,

100. you're Bernie Mac.

101. Yeah.

102. Excuse me,

103. are you Bernie Mac?

104. Yeah, yeah, I'm Bernie.

105. Are you waiting

106. for three children?

107. Yeah.

108. We have a little problem.

109. What's the problem?

110. What do you mean, "They don't

111. want to get off the plane"?

112. Well, the two

113. girls are fine

114. but the little boy just

115. freaked out on our descent.

116. Uh, he was crying.

117. Then, he started coughing.

118. He sounded pre-asthmatic.

119. I know, because my

120. nephew Timmy is a pre;

121. sounds exactly like that.

122. Anyway, he kept saying

123. he wanted to go home.

124. It was really sad.

125. Oh, and I think

126. he wet his pants.

127. Anyway, I told Stephanie,

128. "Give him some wings."

129. Sir, I-I get it.

130. Thank you.

131. Okay. Mr. Mac?

132. Yes?

133. They're this way.

134. Thank you.

135. Hey...

136. Hey, kids.

137. It's your Uncle Bernie.

138. What the hell was that?

139. Hey, little man.

140. I'm so sorry, man,

141. about stepping on your foot.

142. Well, listen

143. you all are gonna

144. really love it here.

145. You are.

146. It's gonna feel

147. just like home, trust me.

148. Oh, you live

149. in the projects?

150. Oho, you're pretty funny, there,

151. little girl.

152. Pretty funny, there.

153. Real nice.

154. Hey, look at that.

155. Look at that.

156. Look at that big-ass doughnut.

157. Anybody want a

158. big-ass doughnut?

159. That's the best big-ass doughnut

160. I ever had in my life.

161. Damn.

162. Mmm-mmm.

163. You guys sure

164. you don't want a bite

165. of this big-ass doughnut?

166. We don't feel

167. like eating.

168. Good. You ain't gotta eat.

169. You ain't hurting me.

170. I'm full.

171. My stomach hurt, anyway.

172. Psychology.

173. Know what I should've got?

174. Damn.

175. I should've got a big-ass

176. chocolate milk.

177. Uncle Bernie,

178. you're funny.

179. I'm a very funny man.

180. Bryana, what's wrong, baby?

181. What's wrong with you?

182. I want a doughnut, too.

183. Oh, baby

184. that ain't no problem.

185. Here, you can have

186. anything you want.

187. Whatever you want, just ask

188. your Uncle Bernie, hear?

189. Can I have a

190. big-ass bike?

191. Watch your mouth.

192. All right, kids...

193. home, sweet, home.

194. Hey! Come in, come in!

195. Welcome home!

196. Oh, you kids have grown.

197. Hi, Aunt Wanda.

198. Now, I know you kids

199. have been through a lot lately

200. and I want you to know that

201. we love you very much, okay?

202. Could you spend a day with us,

203. Aunt Wanda?

204. Aw, Sweetness, your Aunt Wanda

205. would like nothing better

206. than to spend tomorrow filling

207. her heart bowl

208. with your sugar

209. but your Aunt Wanda

210. works for AT&T, Precious

211. and she can't just up and miss.

212. They don't play that.

213. Okay.

214. In order for us

215. to live as a family

216. I got to set down

217. a few house rules.

218. First, this is my house.

219. Don't get me wrong—

220. this is our home

221. but this is my house.

222. Mi casa is mi casa.

223. Close your mouth,

224. boy.

225. Second, in my house

226. this is all my stuff

227. and you are not

228. to touch my stuff

229. without my permission.

230. Let me break it down:

231. Don't touch my TV

232. don't touch my DVD

233. don't touch my dual-deck VCR

234. and, most definitely

235. don't touch the remote

236. that works the TV

237. the DVD and the dual-deck VCR.

238. Any questions?

239. Can we touch...?

240. No, you can't touch nothing.

241. Matter of fact,

242. don't even look at it.

243. When you walk past it,

244. close your eyes.

245. Come on over here.

246. I got something else

247. very important to show you.

248. This is deep.

249. Don't touch my old school

250. my new school, my slow jams,

251. my party jams

252. my happy rap...

253. and you better not touch

254. my James Brown

255. or somebody's

256. really gonna get hurt.

257. You understand?

258. Now, y'all children,

259. y'all come on

260. let's have some ice cream.

261. Come on.

262. "Bernie Mac, why you so strict?"

263. Tough love is good for them.

264. I don't play.

265. Never did play.

266. This small— never smiled

267. or nothing.

268. Hated school

269. 'cause they had recess.

270. Teacher told me,

271. "Go outside, have a recess."

272. I didn't go,

273. 'cause I don't play.

274. Didn't I tell you

275. not to touch this, boy?

276. Didn't I tell you

277. not to touch this, Jordan?

278. Yes or no?

279. Oh, man, oh, man, come on.

280. Don't start.

281. What did I say?

282. Stop that crying!

283. All I did

284. was ask a question, now.

285. Aw, no, you're not.

286. No, you're not.

287. Did you wet on yourself?

288. Are you wetting on yourself?

289. Come here, boy!

290. Don't you run from me!

291. Come on...

292. Oh, man... come here!

293. I'm cool.

294. Everything's cool.

295. If it don't apply...

296. let it fly.

297. You know...

298. I'm too old.

299. What?

300. I need to go

301. to the store.

302. I need to go to the Bahamas.

303. Got a solution?

304. What you need to go

305. to the store for, baby girl?

306. I need to pick up some things.

307. We got things here.

308. No, I need to pick up some,

309. um... personal things.

310. What type of personal things

311. you need to...?

312. Aw, no, no.

313. You're only thir—

314. Aw, man, no,

315. don't do that.

316. You're only

317. 13 years old, man.

318. Whoo!

319. I need my medicine!

320. Oh... aw, Jordan,

321. why didn't you tell me?

322. Cover your...

323. cover your mouth, boy.

324. It's nasty.

325. Hey! Hey!

326. You're Bernie Mac,

327. ain't you?

328. Hey, brother.

329. How you doing?

330. Aw, Bernie, man

331. I ain't ate in

332. two weeks, brother.

333. Who we kidding?

334. Two weeks!

335. Just two.

336. It's been so

337. long, brother

338. I forgot what food

339. tastes like anymore.

340. Man, you know what?

341. I wouldn't even

342. worry about it.

343. No?

344. No.

345. Why not?

346. 'Cause it still tastes the same.

347. Aw, man!

348. Yeah, right.

349. Yeah, okay.

350. We got the fax

351. from his doctor in Chicago.

352. Oh, good. Good.

353. We have his medicines

354. in stock.

355. Good. Good.

356. So just sign here.

357. Sign... right here?

358. Yeah. Has he had

359. any Proventil today?

360. Pro-who?

361. Proventil.

362. It's for his cough.

363. He wasn't coughing

364. this morning.

365. Well, what about Tilade

366. or Flovent?

367. No, he's cool.

368. I gave him a couple of Vicks

369. about a half an hour ago.

370. You gave him cough drops?

371. Yeah. The cherry

372. bubble gum kind.

373. No... this boy's

374. pre-asthmatic.

375. Unless you use

376. a steroidal inhaler

377. he's going to be

378. in a lot of trouble.

379. Are you the legal guardian?

380. Look, ma'am, I'm doing

381. the best I can, you know?

382. Just give me my medicine.

383. Please.

384. The cherry

385. bubble gum kind.

386. You know, he like

387. that sweet.

388. Give it back!

389. Just... ma'am, please

390. can I have the

391. cherry bubble gum?

392. I'll be... I'll

393. be right back.

394. Give it back!

395. Give it— oh,

396. give it back!

397. Look, stop, stop—

398. stop this arguing!

399. Stop it! Stop it!

400. She won't

401. give it back!

402. Jordan, Jordan, Jordan...

403. Jordan, there's hundreds

404. of boxes of cereal on there.

405. Get some Count Chocula

406. or something.

407. I don't want

408. Count Chocula!

409. I want mine!

410. Boy, quit being so soft here!

411. You always crying!

412. You got to be a man!

413. I don't want

414. to be a man!

415. I want my cereal!

416. Boy, you getting ready...?

417. You ain't fixin' to piss

418. up in here?

419. Come here. Come here.

420. What y'all lookin' at?

421. What you lookin' at?

422. Watch out, now.

423. Hot cold urine.

424. Watch out! Watch out!

425. Urine!

426. I know you

427. can make it.

428. You can hold it, boy.

429. Hold it!

430. Ain't nothing but

431. a little piss.

432. Lady, look out.

433. Lady! Lady!

434. He peed on

435. the film counter?

436. Urine.

437. Where were you?

438. I was holding

439. the boy.

440. You held him while he peed

441. on somebody's family photos?

442. No, they were developing

443. the film fast—

444. What the hell you think

445. I was doing, Wanda?

446. I was trying to get

447. the boy to the bathroom.

448. I had his pants down.

449. He ain't right.

450. He ain't right.

451. Bernie, those kids

452. have been through hell.

453. He probably just misses

454. his mama

455. and that's his way

456. of expressing it.

457. When I was his age, baby,

458. I missed my daddy, too

459. but I still held

460. my damn bowels.

461. Well, that's good.

462. You know, but at

463. some point, the boy

464. got to be a man.

465. I think that point is 18,

466. not eight.

467. Not everybody is as strong

468. as Bernie Mac, you know.

469. Well, you got that right.

470. Mm-hmm.

471. Medicine time.

472. I got to get used to

473. this, I'm telling you.

474. You will. You will.

475. Oh, man, come on.

476. You told me that!

477. It's on you, Bernie Mac,

478. it's on you

479. or should I call

480. you, "Daddy Mac"?

481. He got babies now.

482. Oh, that's wrong.

483. Hey, if you

484. needed kids, man

485. you could've asked me.

486. I got a couple

487. I ain't using.

488. And a couple

489. he ain't seen.

490. Lemme tell you something—

491. y'all real, real funny.

492. Real funny...

493. 'cause you play

494. with a puppy

495. you get licked

496. in the mouth.

497. You play with a dog...

498. You get your ass bit.

499. Yes?

500. Can I help you?

501. Yeah, she probably just

502. didn't want to interrupt.

503. That's her way of

504. showing you respect.

505. Give me the phone.

506. What phone?

507. See what I mean?

508. I'm not going

509. to knock again,

510. Vanessa.

511. Can you hold on, please?

512. Hold on?

513. Vanessa!

514. He is trippin', okay?

515. I'll call you back.

516. Okay, bye.

517. Didn't I tell you

518. don't touch nothing

519. without my permission?

520. You didn't say the phone.

521. I didn't say the phone?

522. You said, "Don't touch

523. the TV, the VCR, the DVD

524. your old school,

525. your new school

526. and your happy rap

527. but you never said

528. we couldn't touch the phone.

529. Technically, she right...

530. technically.

531. It ain't about the phone.

532. It's about the simple

533. things in life.

534. About teaching you respect,

535. you understand?

536. Whatever.

537. "Whatever"?

538. "Whatever" ain't no answer.

539. How about, "Yes, sir,

540. Uncle Bernie"?

541. You hear what I said?

542. You ain't none of my daddy.

543. I ain't none of

544. your what?

545. What'd you say to me?

546. Let me tell you something.

547. I got news for you—

548. I'm not trying to be your daddy.

549. Good!

550. "Good"?

551. "Good"?

552. Can you believe this?

553. Y'all keep watching.

554. It get worse.

555. "Good." Like I'm a sissy

556. or something... okay.

557. You keep on talking to me with

558. that attitude, little girl—

559. I may not be your daddy

560. but I'll whup your ass

561. just like your daddy.

562. And you'll go to jail

563. like you was my daddy, too.

564. Don't come out.

565. I'm gonna bust your head

566. till the white meat...

567. Come on out, Vanessa!

568. That's right, I said

569. I'm gonna bust her head

570. till the white meat show

571. and I ain't ashamed

572. that I said it

573. and ain't nobody

574. gonna make me take it back.

575. "Corporal punishment"?

576. Man, I spanked the boy

577. on his behind in the store.

578. Who told you that?

579. That's not important,

580. Mr. Mac.

581. What's important...

582. No, no, Mr. Cooley.

583. Who told you that?

584. Well, the oldest girl, but...

585. Vanessa?

586. You can't believe

587. anything she says.

588. She's just a child, Mr. Cooley.

589. She also said

590. that you threatened

591. to "whup her

592. like you were her daddy."

593. She... she dissed me

594. in front of my boys, Mr. Cooley.

595. Now, come on,

596. you just don't do that.

597. Okay, did you also say you're

598. "going to bust her head

599. till the white meat shows"?

600. That's... they're my boys.

601. Mr. Mac...

602. Come on...

603. Mr. Mac, between that

604. and the profanity...

605. Hold on,

606. hold on, hold on.

607. I don't use no profanity

608. in front of those children.

609. That's a lie—

610. now who told you...

611. You didn't say,

612. "big-ass doughnut"?

613. Who-Who told you that?

614. The littlest one

615. but the point is, I'm here

616. to help, not to hinder.

617. You want the kids

618. to live here;

619. I want the kids to live here.

620. You know I want the kids

621. to live here, Cooley.

622. Come on, now.

623. Neither of us wants a situation.

624. Come on, Cooley.

625. Are you a smoker?

626. Cigars— every night,

627. I smoke a cigar.

628. But you don't...

629. No, no, I smoke

630. in the den if I do.

631. Only in the den.

632. My wife...

633. In the den.

634. My wife, she don't

635. like it, I swear.

636. Trying to take

637. my babies from me.

638. They take my babies from me,

639. I'm lost.

640. Without them, I'm nothing.

641. Lord, you know

642. I do everything you ask.

643. You can take the kids,

644. but you can't take my babies.

645. Y'all got the camera on!

646. Ain't nothing sacred?

647. Cut the camera off.

648. I'm scared.

649. Bryana?

650. Come here, baby girl.

651. What you scared of?

652. You.

653. Me?

654. Why are you scared of me?

655. I'm sorry

656. I broke your record.

657. You told me not to touch it,

658. but I touched it.

659. I didn't mean to, but I did.

660. That's all right.

661. Don't worry about it.

662. I can replace it.

663. Really?

664. No...

665. but if you say

666. you're sorry

667. that's the right thing

668. to do

669. and I'll forgive you

670. and I'm sorry

671. if I scared you, okay?

672. Okay.

673. I forgive you.

674. You forgive me?

675. Thank you, baby girl.

676. Come on, let's get back to bed.

677. Come on.

678. Uncle Bernie?

679. Huh?

680. Are you our daddy now?

681. No, I'm still

682. ol' Uncle Bernie, okay?

683. Can I call you,

684. "Uncle Daddy"?

685. No.

686. You keep calling me,

687. "Uncle Bernie," okay?

688. Okay.

689. Come on.

690. You see what I'm talking about?

691. See what I'm saying?

692. What am I supposed to do?

693. Hide my feelings? Lie?

694. Come on, man, we're family.

695. You and I— family.

696. When I say I want to kill

697. those kids

698. you know what I mean.

699. I don't have to explain.

700. Come on— Bernie Mac just say

701. what you want to say but can't

702. but that's all right.

703. I'm the bad guy.

704. I'll be the bad guy.

705. See, I just...

706. I'm sorry.

707. Now, that's a start.

708. That's most definitely a start.

709. [Captioning sponsored by

710. FOX BROADCASTING COMPANY

711. and REGENCY TELEVISION

712. Captioned by

713. The Caption Center

714. Educational Foundation]

715. See, America? Y'all thought

716. I was all wrong and everything.

717. Y'all...

718. I'm sorry, too.

719. Sorry?

720. What did you do?

721. You don't know?

722. Cut the camera off.

723. Cut the camera off.

724. Come here!

725. Come here!

726. Hey, look!

727. Hey, hey,

728. how you doing?

729. I can't believe it's you!

730. Okay.

731. Grandma, Grandpa!

732. Do they know you?

733. Grandpa,

734. that's Bernie Mac.

735. He's so funny.

736. I remember when he said,

737. "I ain't scared of your..."

738. Hey, hey, hey.

739. Just stay tight

740. with your grandparents, okay?

741. Oh, these kids

742. sure love you.

743. I don't know

744. about that, sir.

745. Thank you very much.

746. Thank you.

747. No, thank you.

748. Y'all have a good one, hear?

749. All right.