1. How you doing?
Welcome to the show.
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2. I'm Ben Stiller.
We're in downtown L.A.
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3. I'm very excited because
my friend Rob Morrow...
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4. star of Northern Exposure,
will be here.
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5. It'll be great. We haven't seen each other
for a while. We go back to New York days.
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6. It's gonna be fun.
So I'll see you right after this.
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7. Hey, kids, it's time for
Counting With Bruce Springsteen!
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8. All right!
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9. What did I get up to?
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10. We're back, and I'm excited
because Rob Morrow's gonna be here.
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11. - Rob Morrow? That is so cool. I love him!
- He's great. He's an old friend of mine.
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12. That is the coolest show. Ever watch it?
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13. No, I've seen parts of it. I know it's got
a great reputation but I've never seen...
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14. It's really good. It's really good.
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15. - You auditioned for that, didn't you?
- I don't remember. It was such a...
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16. I went on so many auditions
as an actor and just...
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17. It would be kind of hard to forget that.
It's such a smash hit. A great show.
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18. Why don't we go to this,
and we'll be right back.
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19. - I don't... You know, you go on so many...
- It's too bad you didn't get that.
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20. I don't know if I auditioned for it.
It was...
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21. Whatever.
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22. I hate waking up.
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23. - Hey, guys, how do you want your coffee?
- Rare!
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24. Thought so.
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25. Whoa. It's Mr. Adult, our manager.
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26. Boys, I have to tell you, this is the
worst-Iooking apartment in Seattle.
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27. It's like a freaking war zone.
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28. Pearl Jam, 12 o'clock high!
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29. We like it this way.
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30. I don't give a fig how you live,
but you guys better play great tonight.
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31. - Why should we?
- I'll tell you why. A talent scout...
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32. from Pretentious Artists Records
will be here. I have guaranteed him...
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33. that The Grungies are
Seattle's hottest band.
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34. I hate to inform you, Mr. Adult,
but we smashed our instruments...
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35. at last night's
Annual Seattle Grunge-Off Concert.
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36. What! I don't care what you do.
Get some new instruments.
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37. And none of those
on-stage antics tonight.
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38. If you take one more stage dive
and blow this record deal...
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39. I will whip the very life out of you.
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40. - I hate that guy.
- Yeah, but what'll we do?
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41. - I don't know.
- Hey! Let's ask Tork.
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42. Tork, what are we gonna do?
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43. I've got an idea. Let's ask my friend Goo
if we can borrow her band's instruments.
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44. - Goo?
- Yeah, like in goo-goo, ga-ga.
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45. Goo-goo, ga-ga.
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46. Hey, girls.
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47. Check out who's here.
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48. It's the last-place losers
of the Seattle Grunge-Off.
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49. - What do you think they want?
- Maybe borrow our instruments?
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50. Can we borrow your instruments?
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51. - Goo, you must be psychic.
- You guys can just forget it.
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52. There's no way...
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53. Okay.
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54. You can borrow them for one night.
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55. But if you smash them...
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56. I'll kick each and every one
of your butts.
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57. We're here with Rob Morrow.
Rob, thanks for coming on the show.
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58. It's been a while.
I haven't seen you for...
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59. It has. A couple...
Do you know where I saw you?
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60. The last time I saw you was when
I was auditioning for Joel...
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61. and I believe you auditioned for Joel
for Northern Exposure.
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62. - That's right. I forgot about that.
- I'll never forget because...
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63. You went in right before me. I thought,
I got 15 minutes, I'm gonna get this part.
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64. I was gonna memorize the lines.
It must have been maybe...
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65. like 15 seconds, and you
came walking out. It was...
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66. - Yes, it was. We just...
- I'm sure you did a good job.
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67. They wanted to go
a whole different physical type.
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68. I know. It was Jewish guy
from New York, dark-haired...
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69. - and you're definitely not that.
- No.
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70. - Why don't we go to this.
- But it's good.
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71. - You've got your own show.
- This worked out great. I'm really glad...
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72. - I didn't get it.
- Yeah.
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73. It's time for
Stiller's Wheel of Filler!
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74. Where the wheel stops,
that's where the comedy goes.
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75. Jewish Fly Guys!
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76. You know...
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77. this old house has been
in our family for generations...
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78. for about as long as we've been
serving Grady's Oats Instant Oatmeal...
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79. with every breakfast.
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80. I live here all alone now.
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81. Just like my uncle Ray before me.
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82. They say that he used to
like to wait until it was really...
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83. late at night.
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84. Then he'd slip into a pink taffeta gown...
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85. and fill his panties with piping-hot...
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86. Grady's Oats Instant Oatmeal.
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87. Then he'd dance around the back yard,
stare into the neighbor's windows...
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88. and tell filthy stories to their animals.
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89. They say on a moonlit night
you can still see him out there dancing.
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90. Grady's Oats Instant Oatmeal.
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91. It's a delicious way to eat
and a nutritious way to live.
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92. Grady's Oats Instant Oatmeal.
Available at fine stores everywhere.
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93. Cut.
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94. This stuff is hard!
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95. It's hard as a rock!
It's harder than Chinese arithmetic!
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96. I'm supposed to sit and eat this all day?
I'll be in my trailer!
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97. Somebody get the producer
on the phone!
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98. We're back with Rob and Janeane,
talking about the old days.
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99. - I miss those, man. We hung out a lot.
- Yeah.
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100. There was Diane and you and Lisa.
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101. You should see...
Ben and Lisa are like...
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102. They're soul mates. You know what was
funny? She never said she'd come to L.A.
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103. Right. We broke up.
We broke up.
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104. But it's good. I needed some space,
and I'm really happy about it.
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105. - She's dating Stephen Baldwin now, right?
- Get out of here! I love Stephen Baldwin!
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106. Crossing the Bridge. This guy...
All those guys. There's Alec...
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107. and Billy and Danny.
This is a talented...
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108. You don't look alike.
You can't compare.
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109. I'm telling you, it's good.
I'm happy they're dating.
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110. - He's in movies, you're on a TV show.
- Right. There's no...
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111. - I'm very happy for her.
- You got a much heavier beard.
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112. - Right.
- Yeah.
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113. I'm really... Yes, it's good. I'm totally
well-adjusted and happy about it.
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114. Hi. Uh...
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115. Today...
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116. my girlfriend left me for...
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117. Stephen...
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118. stupid-head Baldwin, and...
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119. So I'm recording this because I know
that sometime in the future...
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120. I'm gonna laugh
at how depressed I was.
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121. I know that somewhere right now,
in the future, I'm watching this...
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122. with my future wife and...
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123. baby, and...
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124. Hey. Hi, hey there, me.
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125. Hi, baby Stiller.
How you doing, huh?
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126. Look at Daddy.
He's pretty silly, huh?
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127. Hey. Got your nose.
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128. So...
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129. I'll record again in a couple weeks,
because I know I'll be laughing.
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130. It's gonna be funny.
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131. Stephen Baldwin! What the...?
I don't...
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132. Stephen-stupid-Baldwin!
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133. I think I'm gonna be able to laugh soon.
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134. I'm Stephen Baldwin.
Who are you? Stephen-stupid-Baldwin.
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135. How could...? Stephen Baldwin!
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136. Stephen Baldwin?
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137. I feel a lot better today because
I realized we're all going to die.
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138. And she's no exception.
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139. I got a date tonight
with a very gorgeous girl.
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140. Don't wait up for me, if you know
what I mean. Ben Stiller is back.
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141. Tonight on Arsenio, the A-man welcomes
sexy heartthrob Stephen Baldwin...
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142. in a rare and candid interview that...
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143. Hey, look out!
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144. Wow. Sorry, I didn't mean to bring it
up. Clearly it's... I'm sorry, buddy.
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145. No, no, no, it's okay.
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146. It's behind you, obviously.
You're the star of your own TV show.
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147. You're the last guy I'd worry about.
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148. - I didn't mean to bring it up.
- It's fine.
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149. They must be flocking at your door.
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150. A lot of girls who I could...
There are a lot of prospects out there.
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151. Nobody specific,
but I don't wanna tie myself down.
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152. Show me something else.
Let me see something else.
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153. Sure, sure. Okay. Yeah,
let's go to another piece.
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154. Women. Buildings.
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155. Sometimes they are the same thing.
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156. I am never alone.
Wherever I go in the city...
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157. I am surrounded by buildings.
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158. Wherever I see buildings...
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159. there I see my women.
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160. Ah, the museum!
The museum reminds me of Cheryl.
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161. Cheryl loved the paintings of sad clowns.
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162. The kind a child could do. It's funny.
She was a masterpiece herself.
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163. Yes.
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164. The observatory! So many evenings
Janet and I would walk along its deck.
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165. Until one night I played a little joke
on her and pushed her over the edge.
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166. I am the devil himself!
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167. The post office.
I can't help thinking of Vivian.
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168. For she, too, had a line of customers
backed up into the street.
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169. And she works there.
Hello, Vivian! Hello.
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170. Laurie, Susan. Yes, Claire.
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171. Oh, yes. This apartment building.
It reminds me of Frank.
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172. I was so drunk that night. Hello, Frank.
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173. I am not ashamed. Such is life, yes?
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174. The mall, so many shops.
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175. So many women I remember. Quickly,
get me away before my brain explodes!
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176. I must leave the city. Every tree
reminds me of a woman!
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177. The Grungies is brought to you by
Grady's Oats Instant Oatmeal.
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178. Look at this stuff. Sugar. Dye. Junk.
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179. All the science in the world won't help
against 100% natural goodness.
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180. The people at Grady's Oats
Instant Oatmeal...
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181. they use only all-natural ingredients.
Whole grains, raisins...
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182. tender young oat buds.
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183. The little oat buds, they say,
"No, don't take me! I'm so tender!"
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184. But they do! They take them
and put them right in their hands.
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185. And then the oat buds go, "No! No!"
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186. "Yes! We're taking you
because you're tender.
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187. We're gonna take you and crush you.
Crush you 'cause you're dirty!
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188. You're dirty
and you need to be punished!"
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189. Grady's Oats Instant Oatmeal.
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190. A delicious way to eat...
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191. and a nutritious way to live.
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192. "You yelled at me!"
"Shut up!
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193. I said, shut up!"
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194. Last time on The Grungies:
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195. A talent scout from Pretentious
Artists Records is gonna be here.
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196. I hate to inform you, Mr. Adult,
but we smashed our instruments...
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197. at last night's
Annual Seattle Grunge-Off Concert.
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198. Can we borrow your instruments?
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199. And now the conclusion of:
"Can We Borrow Your Instruments?"
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200. Hey, guys. I want you to meet
Josh Goldsilver, Pretentious Artists.
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201. Hey, I'm a big fan, guys.
Love you to pieces.
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202. I am hip to the whole Seattle coffeehouse,
slam-dancing, stage-diving shemegegge.
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203. What's this guy talking about?
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204. Let me put it more simply.
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205. Fifty big ones in advance.
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206. Oh, we get it.
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207. We'll be great tonight,
Mr. Silvergold, sir.
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208. Goldsilver.
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209. You're beautiful, guys.
Don't ever change.
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210. You hear that? Don't forget what I told
you about being on your best behavior.
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211. No smashing. No diving. No slamming.
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212. Hi-ho, everybody. And welcome
to Seattle's very own Club Panties.
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213. Right now I'd like to bring on
my meal ticket for the next century.
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214. Get ready, get set for The Grungies!
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215. Sorry, Josh.
I told those good-for-nothing...
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216. Hey. Hey. What? Forget it.
The Grungies got that hot-as-ice...
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217. spontaneous,
what-rock-ought-to-be flavor.
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218. I eat them up, dig?
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219. They get the record deal.
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220. What did I tell you? They're the best.
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221. Say, where's the 50,000?
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222. I thought you had it.
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223. - I thought you had it.
- I thought you had it.
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224. Tork.
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225. $50,000 worth of Chinese food?
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226. Tork, you know you're just
gonna be hungry again in an hour.
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227. Hey, we're here with Rob.
We gotta work together again.
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228. - Yeah, we do.
- I'd love to do something on your show.
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229. I was thinking, maybe I could come up and
be the doctor who replaces you one week.
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230. Yeah, but you know
my only reservation would be...
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231. I would be into it, but audiences are
very fickle. You can't confuse them.
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232. - We obviously... You were up for the part.
- Right.
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233. And you were...
My other fear is, I go to bat for you...
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234. - You were nervous. I don't want to...
- Nervous?
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235. Here you can do... Obviously,
it's your show. There's no script.
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236. - You can do what you want.
- Right.
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237. But we have a tight script,
it's a real structured show.
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238. And you can't...
What if you get nervous?
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239. It was not a good day for me.
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240. - I got it. Wait a minute. No, I'm sorry.
- What?
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241. We're doing this huge parade scene,
and I saw them audition these guys.
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242. They had these great kabuki masks.
Giant, I mean.
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243. They cover your whole body almost.
And you could do that.
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244. And it'd be this great
little trivia thing, you know.
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245. Like Ryan O'Neal and The Graduate.
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246. - I like that.
- A kabuki...
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247. - You don't see your face at all?
- Yeah. Let me... I'm gonna go...
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248. Let me just... I need a little
time by myself. Just hang out.
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249. Okay. This kabuki...
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250. We'll be right back.
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251. - What?
- Just like this.
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252. - Like that?
- Yeah.
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253. All right. That's about it. I want to thank
Rob Morrow for coming on the show.
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254. - Really great job.
- My pleasure.
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255. Anytime you want me to come
on your show, return the favor...
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256. it would be my pleasure.
I think it would be fun.
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257. - Okay, Ben.
- Really. I got great ideas for characters.
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258. I didn't realize this was like
this quid pro quo thing.
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259. - No, no. I'm just saying, do you a favor.
- Yeah. I did you a favor.
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260. - I mean, I don't mean to... I'm sorry.
- Okay.
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261. No. I thought it would be cool. I could
be that crazy Adam character that cooks.
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262. I could be his assistant, Alan.
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263. "Hey, I'm Alan. I've got
some extra eggs for you."
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264. There's a whole corporate
structure and legalities.
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265. Please, don't even tell me these ideas.
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266. All right. I was thinking,
just between you and me...
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267. You keep thinking, Ben, but go
through the channels, you know.
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268. - I can't listen to it.
- One idea though.
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269. - Okay, Ben.
- The astronaut guy...
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270. Thanks. Good luck.
No. It's a good show.
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271. Rob, you don't have to get
freaked-out about it. I'm just...
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272. He's got to...
I guess...
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273. Thank you again.
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274. He can't hear anything.
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275. He's holding his ears closed.
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276. He's scared.
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