1. How you doing?
Welcome to the show.Copy !req
2. I'm really excited because
Sarah Jessica Parker will be here.Copy !req
3. Let's start. The sooner we start,
the sooner Sarah gets here.Copy !req
4. So let's watch this.Copy !req
5. Anybody seen Sarah?Copy !req
6. He showed you conspiracy in JFK.Copy !req
7. Rebellion in The Doors.Copy !req
8. Greed in Wall Street.Copy !req
9. The agony of war in Platoon.Copy !req
10. And more agony of war
in Born on the Fourth of July.Copy !req
11. Hi. I'm Oliver Stone.Copy !req
12. And this summer, I invite you
to witness my latest creation.Copy !req
13. It's Oliver Stoneland!Copy !req
14. Welcome to the future site
of Oliver Stoneland...Copy !req
15. my own amusement park.Copy !req
16. Let me be your host
as I usher you through reality.Copy !req
17. My reality.Copy !req
18. A magical place
where the objective is not to escape...Copy !req
19. but to confront.Copy !req
20. Inspired by my hit film The Doors...Copy !req
21. is a feverishly psychotic maze
called "Mr. Morrison's Wild Ride."Copy !req
22. It's an enhanced trip
through depression...Copy !req
23. self-delusion
and crazed egomania.Copy !req
24. I wanted everyone to feel
the fire that is Morrison.Copy !req
25. That's all right.
You can get on, you little Lizard King.Copy !req
26. At Oliver Stoneland,
we question authority.Copy !req
27. Each bathtub fits a family of four.Copy !req
28. But beware.
This ride may remove your will to live.Copy !req
29. Break on through!Copy !req
30. Break on through!Copy !req
31. I am an Indian,
but I also represent death.Copy !req
32. I am an Indian,
but I also represent...Copy !req
33. No, Jim, no.Copy !req
34. - Give me some death.
- No, Jim, no.Copy !req
35. Give me some death.Copy !req
36. Come on!Copy !req
37. Come on!Copy !req
38. Come on!Copy !req
39. The only way out is death.Copy !req
40. The only way out is death.Copy !req
41. The only way out is death.Copy !req
42. I'm not really dead!Copy !req
43. Morrison was the lifeblood
of a generation...Copy !req
44. that was sucked down
the bathtub drain of the apathetic '70s...Copy !req
45. and into the materialistic cesspool
of the next decade.Copy !req
46. But the ride's a gas.Copy !req
47. If you're into communications,
why not try Talk Radio Town...Copy !req
48. where you and your family
can broadcast your very own radio show.Copy !req
49. And get killed afterwards.Copy !req
50. But if it's musical merriment you want,
don't miss Platunes...Copy !req
51. a rabble-rousing salute to a war
we've never stopped fighting...Copy !req
52. as performed by the Combat Rollers.Copy !req
53. And with showstopping numbers
like "Viet-wow!"...Copy !req
54. who's gonna protest?Copy !req
55. Combat Rollers
are true professionals.Copy !req
56. They're cynical, angry,
fed up and great skaters.Copy !req
57. I was very lucky to find them.Copy !req
58. Hey, how you doing?
We're here with Janeane.Copy !req
59. Very excited. Sarah Jessica Parker
will be here at any moment.Copy !req
60. - You know she has a boyfriend.
- Yeah. So what? What's that mat...?Copy !req
61. - She's just guest-starring.
- You have a crush on her.Copy !req
62. - I don't have a crush.
- You so much do.Copy !req
63. Just because she's on the show,
I have to have a crush on her?Copy !req
64. What are we going to do with her?
Why is she on the show?Copy !req
65. I'm gonna have a picnic with her.
That's what I thought we'd do.Copy !req
66. - You're having a picnic with Sarah?
- Yes.Copy !req
67. I don't recall you having picnics
with other guests.Copy !req
68. - It's a new concept.
- Really?Copy !req
69. Why don't we go to this film right now?
Okay? It'll be great.Copy !req
70. - She really has a boyfriend?
- Yes. They've lived together a long time.Copy !req
71. Pan America Insurance Company...Copy !req
72. profiles Salesman of the Year,
Phillip Morrow.Copy !req
73. If I have one strong point
as a salesman...Copy !req
74. it is my ability to locate
and tap into new markets.Copy !req
75. For the last two years...Copy !req
76. Phillip Morrow has been
traveling around the country...Copy !req
77. attending to the insurance needs
of a very specific demographic:Copy !req
78. The Grateful Dead fan.Copy !req
79. To meet their insurance needs...Copy !req
80. I had to understand their lifestyle.Copy !req
81. I wonder who their beneficiary was?Copy !req
82. You know, get into their heads.Copy !req
83. - Mind if I sit down?
- No. Go ahead, young man.Copy !req
84. - What's happening?
- I'm psyched on this concert.Copy !req
85. I hope they play "Truckin'."
Truck-truck-trucking.Copy !req
86. Trucking.Copy !req
87. You got health insurance, man?Copy !req
88. Think insurance.Copy !req
89. Some take drugs,
buy food from strangers...Copy !req
90. and get no exercise,
except for the Space Jam.Copy !req
91. They need insurance.Copy !req
92. When Jerry Garcia went
into a coma, man, he was covered.Copy !req
93. Being a Deadhead doesn't
mean being irresponsible.Copy !req
94. It means being free.Copy !req
95. The only people that are grateful
when someone's dead...Copy !req
96. is the recipient
of life insurance, man.Copy !req
97. Yeah?Copy !req
98. What happens if you go on a trip
and never come back?Copy !req
99. How will your little Deadheads
go to Albany...Copy !req
100. or go to Minnesota
and catch the Dead?Copy !req
101. How will they do that
without any money, man?Copy !req
102. I'll just put them in Larry's van.Copy !req
103. Getting them to sign a policy
is not always easy.Copy !req
104. Dragons, man!
They're all over the place!Copy !req
105. They're biting on me!Copy !req
106. - Cool out, man.
- Breathing out fire!Copy !req
107. I got dragon insurance, my man.Copy !req
108. You sign here,
the dragons will go away.Copy !req
109. - I can protect you, man.
- Yeah.Copy !req
110. - The dragons are going away, man.
- Oh, yeah, man.Copy !req
111. - You're a hero, man.
- Peace, brother.Copy !req
112. You're a hero.Copy !req
113. No! No!Copy !req
114. You sign on this bottom line...Copy !req
115. You sign on this bottom line,
you'll be so free, man.Copy !req
116. - You'll be, like, flying.
- Freaking me out, dude.Copy !req
117. Go ahead. Sign up, man.Copy !req
118. - Okay.
- All right, man. I love you, man.Copy !req
119. - I love you, man.
- Peace, brother.Copy !req
120. - Hope they play "Truckin'."
- All right! Take care of yourself, now.Copy !req
121. What did I just sign?Copy !req
122. It's a lot of work.Copy !req
123. The funny thing is,
I'm not a big fan of their music...Copy !req
124. but I have to admit,
it's grown on me.Copy !req
125. After 400 shows, it had better.Copy !req
126. This program is working so well...Copy !req
127. that I'm gonna start touring
with The Cure.Copy !req
128. The boys in the office think I'm crazy.Copy !req
129. Crazy like a fox.Copy !req
130. Now, you understand suicide's
not covered under this policy.Copy !req
131. Welcome back. We're really excited.
Sarah Jessica Parker's gonna be here.Copy !req
132. - What's this?
- What's with the change of clothes?Copy !req
133. - You think you're Madonna?
- I can't change clothes during the show?Copy !req
134. It's no big deal, you know.
Guys, listen...Copy !req
135. - I know why.
- When she gets here, just move out.Copy !req
136. - Why?
- Oh, what?Copy !req
137. Three jerks spitting and arguing about
football is gonna cramp your style?Copy !req
138. - Yeah, it is. Come on, it's too weird.
- Ben.Copy !req
139. Hi. How you doing?
Sarah Jessica Parker.Copy !req
140. - This is great.
- Thanks for being on the show.Copy !req
141. - Thanks for having me in the woods.
- I'll see you. I wish you could hang out.Copy !req
142. - They have to leave?
- Yeah. They gotta go.Copy !req
143. They gotta go do some charity work
over at the homeless shelter.Copy !req
144. - Really? They volunteer?
- Yeah.Copy !req
145. That's so sweet. You probably
don't have time to volunteer.Copy !req
146. Oh, no. I was there this morning.Copy !req
147. - This morning around 5:30. I get there...
- Really?Copy !req
148. Every morning,
I try to put in the hours early.Copy !req
149. - That's amazing.
- Why don't we just go to a movie?Copy !req
150. Or a film or whatever
we got coming up.Copy !req
151. Weekends too. I try to do
as much work as I can for...Copy !req
152. And now, Jake Steel: Marionette Cop.Copy !req
153. It was Saturday night, 2 a.m.Copy !req
154. I was walking my beat when I noticed
an open window at Shempkin's Market.Copy !req
155. Suddenly, I spotted two punks climbing
out the window with stolen groceries.Copy !req
156. - Freeze, dirtbags!
- See you later, copper.Copy !req
157. Oh, I'll be seeing you...Copy !req
158. in hell.Copy !req
159. I ain't going back to the joint, pig!Copy !req
160. Oh, God.Copy !req
161. Oh, God.Copy !req
162. My legs!
I can't feel my legs!Copy !req
163. Gino!Copy !req
164. Gino!Copy !req
165. Get up, man! Get up!Copy !req
166. Oh, my God! You killed Gino!Copy !req
167. You stinking pig!Copy !req
168. You killed my baby brother!Copy !req
169. You dirty, stinking pig!Copy !req
170. I'm gonna kill you!Copy !req
171. Hello, Department of Sanitation?
This is Officer Jake Steel.Copy !req
172. Send a truck to Sixth and Main.
I need you to pick up some garbage.Copy !req
173. - I've gotta meet her.
- Down, boy.Copy !req
174. It's now or never.
I'm gonna introduce myself.Copy !req
175. Attention, shoppers.Copy !req
176. This man wants to make a good
impression, but he's got dandruff.Copy !req
177. What?Copy !req
178. The only thing she'll do
when she sees you is flake out.Copy !req
179. - Will you quit talking like that?
- Like what?Copy !req
180. In that voice. Will you stop speaking in
that stupid "funny" voice all the time?Copy !req
181. News flash: This is how
hip and clever people talk.Copy !req
182. Yeah? Well, it's just stupid, all right?Copy !req
183. Here she comes.Copy !req
184. - Hi.
- Hi.Copy !req
185. He shoots, he scores!Copy !req
186. Oops. Looks like somebody
noticed your dandruff.Copy !req
187. What she noticed is
how lame you are.Copy !req
188. - Hi. My name is Bob.
- Hi.Copy !req
189. And I'm the amusing young friend
who teaches him all about dandruff.Copy !req
190. I'm really sorry about my friend.Copy !req
191. - What's wrong with him?
- He's obsessed with dandruff.Copy !req
192. Are we having fun yet?Copy !req
193. For some reason, he keeps speaking
in these irritating "funny" phrases.Copy !req
194. I just hate him so much sometimes.Copy !req
195. Better beam me up, Scotty.
No intelligent life here.Copy !req
196. - Do you want to get some coffee?
- Yeah. I'd love to.Copy !req
197. Great.Copy !req
198. I don't think we're in Kansas anymore.Copy !req
199. Hey, Mr. Wilson.Copy !req
200. You know why your wife left you?
You've got dandruff.Copy !req
201. Blue & White Shampoo. Because we think
this is the way really cool people talk.Copy !req
202. Use of this product may result
in decreased sense of humor.Copy !req
203. Manufacturers not responsible
for loss of friends.Copy !req
204. The Ben Stiller Show is brought to you
in part by Oliver Stoneland.Copy !req
205. And now, with more information
about the park, it's Oliver Stone!Copy !req
206. Start your day out
on Main Street, 1964...Copy !req
207. where the American dream died
just after Kennedy did.Copy !req
208. While you're at the park,
take a trip down Little Wall Street...Copy !req
209. where you have to avoid
the falling stockbrokers.Copy !req
210. Where's Charlie Sheen
when you need him?Copy !req
211. And if you're in
a really adventurous mood...Copy !req
212. why not give the Born on the
Fourth of July Bumper Chairs a go-round.Copy !req
213. It's 90 solid seconds
of clanking metal and bitter regret.Copy !req
214. You need to ride this one
several times...Copy !req
215. to fully feel the frustration
and anguish of the Vietnam vet.Copy !req
216. Hey, quit it!Copy !req
217. I'm gonna get you!Copy !req
218. Or if you're in a different mood,
try Late '60s Land...Copy !req
219. where the atmosphere is
bitter and discontented...Copy !req
220. but the salad bar is
all you can eat.Copy !req
221. And coming in the fall of '94...Copy !req
222. experience the wonder
of the Hall of Conspiracies...Copy !req
223. where every hour, I'll expose
the fabrications of our government...Copy !req
224. through the use
of animatronic robots.Copy !req
225. We are through
the looking glass, people.Copy !req
226. Black is white and white is black.Copy !req
227. Who did the president? Oh, man!Copy !req
228. It's a mystery wrapped inside a riddle
wrapped inside an enigma.Copy !req
229. Sure, they're only robots...Copy !req
230. but aren't we puppets tied
to the strings of corruption?Copy !req
231. And on your way out,
have your picture taken with Oscar...Copy !req
232. one of our highly coveted pals.Copy !req
233. So come and enjoy
the distortion of reality that is...Copy !req
234. Oliver Stoneland!Copy !req
235. Why isn't he bald?
I told you people Oscar is bald.Copy !req
236. I know. I have six of them.Copy !req
237. I'm working with incompetents here!Copy !req
238. I have a vision of this thing.
How come no one else can see it?Copy !req
239. I went to Vietnam.
I'm not afraid to kick butt here.Copy !req
240. Now, who's responsible?
Get me a razor. I'll shave him myself.Copy !req
241. We're back. We're having a picnic
with Sarah Jessica Parker.Copy !req
242. I'm sorry to interrupt. I don't want
to ruin your flow or anything...Copy !req
243. That's okay.Copy !req
244. I just wanna understand the concept
because I'm sort of confused.Copy !req
245. I come on the show,
or you have a guest on the show.Copy !req
246. We come on and help you
introduce clips or movies...Copy !req
247. or whatever those things
you do are.Copy !req
248. - Right.
- And then, what?Copy !req
249. Like, we're supposed
to eat a big meal?Copy !req
250. No. Just this time,
we're having a little picnic.Copy !req
251. It's not like every time
we have a meal.Copy !req
252. I just thought it would be fun to do.Copy !req
253. And then the show, it always
takes place out in the wilderness?Copy !req
254. No. Just this time,
we're doing it out in the woods.Copy !req
255. It wasn't even my idea.
The writers wanted to.Copy !req
256. Then where's the rest of the cast?Copy !req
257. I was told I'd be working
with a bunch of people, not just you.Copy !req
258. It's not like we're alone.
It's not, like, just us.Copy !req
259. This is kind of like America's here.
We're having a picnic with you.Copy !req
260. It's like America's having a picnic
with you through me.Copy !req
261. I'm a vehicle for America...Copy !req
262. I didn't want to do this.
This was the writers' idea.Copy !req
263. I don't want to have
a picnic with you.Copy !req
264. I mean, not that I don't. I'd love
to have a picnic with you anytime.Copy !req
265. There's no pressure about that.
That's not what I mean.Copy !req
266. Do you want to have some?
I got Grecian chicken, which is...Copy !req
267. - Do you like...?
- I'm not even hungry.Copy !req
268. Then don't eat it.
It's not even real.Copy !req
269. This is just all fun props and...Copy !req
270. - Why don't we...?
- Weird.Copy !req
271. Let's go to a film.
Could we go to a little film?Copy !req
272. Oh, man. What a nightmare.Copy !req
273. Horrible.
Everything's gonna be destroyed.Copy !req
274. Keith and David...Copy !req
275. - Where is it?
- It's right over there.Copy !req
276. - Get out of the house.
- Is there anything I can do...?Copy !req
277. Get out! Now!Copy !req
278. I always forget that.Copy !req
279. Great!Copy !req
280. Baby gotta make a poo-poo? Huh?Copy !req
281. - What a nice dog you've got.
- Thank you. She's a real sweetheart.Copy !req
282. - Have a nice day.
- Yeah. I'll try.Copy !req
283. So anyways, I had a lot of braces
and I loved licorice...Copy !req
284. and I always looked like this...Copy !req
285. in high school.
"Hi, I'm Andy. How are you?"Copy !req
286. Sarah, I got the Frisbee.
Sarah, I got it.Copy !req
287. - Hi, Ben.
- They aren't bothering you, are they?Copy !req
288. - No. They're hilarious.
- Yeah, yeah, they're great.Copy !req
289. We're getting together next week
to play volleyball or something.Copy !req
290. Ben, you left.
We had to keep the show going.Copy !req
291. Do you wanna go?
You wanna go play? Should we...?Copy !req
292. Maybe in a second.
I want Andy to finish his story.Copy !req
293. Could you wait, please?Copy !req
294. - They need you at the soup kitchen.
- It's chicken noodle today.Copy !req
295. I had the headgear too, right?
But I never wore it.Copy !req
296. Who wore it? You know?Copy !req
297. Well, good. Show's going good.
Everybody's having fun.Copy !req
298. That's what it's all about.
Everybody having fun.Copy !req
299. I'm gonna go play on my own.Copy !req
300. There are a lot of Frisbee games
you can play on your own.Copy !req
301. You throw it right up in the wind.
It's not easy.Copy !req
302. - You are adorable.
- Thank you, Sarah.Copy !req
303. It's time once again for
Ask Manson...Copy !req
304. starring America's favorite
answer man, Charles Manson.Copy !req
305. Our first letter comes from
Beth Del Monte from Wichita, Kansas.Copy !req
306. Dear Charles, I have
three rambunctious children.Copy !req
307. How do you remove a tomato stain
from a Persian rug?Copy !req
308. You can't get a stain out.
You think I'm the stain.Copy !req
309. They say Charlie is a stain.Copy !req
310. They try to rub me out
and put me in a jail cell.Copy !req
311. Only, you just spread me around more.Copy !req
312. I'm inside your children.
I'm a stain out there in the world.Copy !req
313. I'm not just locked up.
You're locked up in the prison.Copy !req
314. I'm free. I'm fly... I'm...Copy !req
315. floating around and looking around.Copy !req
316. I like it up here.Copy !req
317. You should try some lemon juice.Copy !req
318. Ask Manson was brought to you by
Happy Children's Toys. Fun for all ages.Copy !req
319. That's it. We're out of time.Copy !req
320. I wanna thank my guest,
Sarah Jessica Parker.Copy !req
321. Thank you. I have to tell you,
your cast is so funny.Copy !req
322. They're the funniest people
I have ever met.Copy !req
323. Actually, it's funny
you should bring that up...Copy !req
324. because I was gonna ask you,
and now's a good time...Copy !req
325. I'd love to have you
as a cast member...Copy !req
326. No.
on the show.Copy !req
327. Okay, I was joking, actually.Copy !req
328. - Just kidding around.
- No.Copy !req
329. No, no, no. I know.
Of course, I wouldn't even...Copy !req
330. Seriously, if you ever wanted
to hang out sometime...Copy !req
331. Listen, I really have to go.
But it was nice to meet you...Copy !req
332. and good luck with everything.
Bye.Copy !req
333. Killed on national TV.Copy !req
334. Why don't you tell
another licorice story, Andy?Copy !req
335. - What's the matter, Ben?
- What's that mean?Copy !req
336. I guess I'll see you guys next week.Copy !req
337. - Get him a glass of water.
- You lightheaded?Copy !req
338. Somebody get this man a shower.Copy !req
339. - Is there a shower out here?
- Yeah, cold shower for Ben.Copy !req
340. Hello?Copy !req
341. He's not here right now,
but he'll be back shortly.Copy !req
342. Can I take a message for him?Copy !req
343. Okay.Copy !req
344. Yeah.Copy !req
345. At 4? Okay.Copy !req
346. And anything else?Copy !req
347. No, I can remember.
I'll tell him. Sure.Copy !req
348. Cut.Copy !req