1. How you doing?
Welcome to the show.
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2. I'm really excited because
Sarah Jessica Parker will be here.
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3. Let's start. The sooner we start,
the sooner Sarah gets here.
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4. So let's watch this.
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5. Anybody seen Sarah?
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6. He showed you conspiracy in JFK.
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7. Rebellion in The Doors.
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8. Greed in Wall Street.
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9. The agony of war in Platoon.
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10. And more agony of war
in Born on the Fourth of July.
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11. Hi. I'm Oliver Stone.
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12. And this summer, I invite you
to witness my latest creation.
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13. It's Oliver Stoneland!
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14. Welcome to the future site
of Oliver Stoneland...
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15. my own amusement park.
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16. Let me be your host
as I usher you through reality.
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17. My reality.
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18. A magical place
where the objective is not to escape...
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19. but to confront.
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20. Inspired by my hit film The Doors...
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21. is a feverishly psychotic maze
called "Mr. Morrison's Wild Ride."
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22. It's an enhanced trip
through depression...
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23. self-delusion
and crazed egomania.
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24. I wanted everyone to feel
the fire that is Morrison.
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25. That's all right.
You can get on, you little Lizard King.
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26. At Oliver Stoneland,
we question authority.
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27. Each bathtub fits a family of four.
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28. But beware.
This ride may remove your will to live.
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29. Break on through!
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30. Break on through!
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31. I am an Indian,
but I also represent death.
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32. I am an Indian,
but I also represent...
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33. No, Jim, no.
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34. - Give me some death.
- No, Jim, no.
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35. Give me some death.
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36. Come on!
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37. Come on!
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38. Come on!
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39. The only way out is death.
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40. The only way out is death.
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41. The only way out is death.
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42. I'm not really dead!
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43. Morrison was the lifeblood
of a generation...
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44. that was sucked down
the bathtub drain of the apathetic '70s...
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45. and into the materialistic cesspool
of the next decade.
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46. But the ride's a gas.
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47. If you're into communications,
why not try Talk Radio Town...
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48. where you and your family
can broadcast your very own radio show.
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49. And get killed afterwards.
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50. But if it's musical merriment you want,
don't miss Platunes...
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51. a rabble-rousing salute to a war
we've never stopped fighting...
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52. as performed by the Combat Rollers.
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53. And with showstopping numbers
like "Viet-wow!"...
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54. who's gonna protest?
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55. Combat Rollers
are true professionals.
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56. They're cynical, angry,
fed up and great skaters.
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57. I was very lucky to find them.
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58. Hey, how you doing?
We're here with Janeane.
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59. Very excited. Sarah Jessica Parker
will be here at any moment.
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60. - You know she has a boyfriend.
- Yeah. So what? What's that mat...?
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61. - She's just guest-starring.
- You have a crush on her.
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62. - I don't have a crush.
- You so much do.
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63. Just because she's on the show,
I have to have a crush on her?
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64. What are we going to do with her?
Why is she on the show?
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65. I'm gonna have a picnic with her.
That's what I thought we'd do.
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66. - You're having a picnic with Sarah?
- Yes.
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67. I don't recall you having picnics
with other guests.
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68. - It's a new concept.
- Really?
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69. Why don't we go to this film right now?
Okay? It'll be great.
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70. - She really has a boyfriend?
- Yes. They've lived together a long time.
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71. Pan America Insurance Company...
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72. profiles Salesman of the Year,
Phillip Morrow.
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73. If I have one strong point
as a salesman...
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74. it is my ability to locate
and tap into new markets.
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75. For the last two years...
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76. Phillip Morrow has been
traveling around the country...
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77. attending to the insurance needs
of a very specific demographic:
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78. The Grateful Dead fan.
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79. To meet their insurance needs...
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80. I had to understand their lifestyle.
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81. I wonder who their beneficiary was?
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82. You know, get into their heads.
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83. - Mind if I sit down?
- No. Go ahead, young man.
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84. - What's happening?
- I'm psyched on this concert.
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85. I hope they play "Truckin'."
Truck-truck-trucking.
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86. Trucking.
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87. You got health insurance, man?
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88. Think insurance.
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89. Some take drugs,
buy food from strangers...
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90. and get no exercise,
except for the Space Jam.
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91. They need insurance.
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92. When Jerry Garcia went
into a coma, man, he was covered.
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93. Being a Deadhead doesn't
mean being irresponsible.
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94. It means being free.
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95. The only people that are grateful
when someone's dead...
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96. is the recipient
of life insurance, man.
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97. Yeah?
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98. What happens if you go on a trip
and never come back?
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99. How will your little Deadheads
go to Albany...
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100. or go to Minnesota
and catch the Dead?
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101. How will they do that
without any money, man?
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102. I'll just put them in Larry's van.
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103. Getting them to sign a policy
is not always easy.
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104. Dragons, man!
They're all over the place!
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105. They're biting on me!
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106. - Cool out, man.
- Breathing out fire!
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107. I got dragon insurance, my man.
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108. You sign here,
the dragons will go away.
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109. - I can protect you, man.
- Yeah.
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110. - The dragons are going away, man.
- Oh, yeah, man.
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111. - You're a hero, man.
- Peace, brother.
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112. You're a hero.
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113. No! No!
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114. You sign on this bottom line...
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115. You sign on this bottom line,
you'll be so free, man.
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116. - You'll be, like, flying.
- Freaking me out, dude.
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117. Go ahead. Sign up, man.
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118. - Okay.
- All right, man. I love you, man.
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119. - I love you, man.
- Peace, brother.
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120. - Hope they play "Truckin'."
- All right! Take care of yourself, now.
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121. What did I just sign?
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122. It's a lot of work.
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123. The funny thing is,
I'm not a big fan of their music...
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124. but I have to admit,
it's grown on me.
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125. After 400 shows, it had better.
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126. This program is working so well...
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127. that I'm gonna start touring
with The Cure.
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128. The boys in the office think I'm crazy.
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129. Crazy like a fox.
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130. Now, you understand suicide's
not covered under this policy.
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131. Welcome back. We're really excited.
Sarah Jessica Parker's gonna be here.
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132. - What's this?
- What's with the change of clothes?
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133. - You think you're Madonna?
- I can't change clothes during the show?
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134. It's no big deal, you know.
Guys, listen...
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135. - I know why.
- When she gets here, just move out.
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136. - Why?
- Oh, what?
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137. Three jerks spitting and arguing about
football is gonna cramp your style?
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138. - Yeah, it is. Come on, it's too weird.
- Ben.
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139. Hi. How you doing?
Sarah Jessica Parker.
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140. - This is great.
- Thanks for being on the show.
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141. - Thanks for having me in the woods.
- I'll see you. I wish you could hang out.
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142. - They have to leave?
- Yeah. They gotta go.
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143. They gotta go do some charity work
over at the homeless shelter.
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144. - Really? They volunteer?
- Yeah.
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145. That's so sweet. You probably
don't have time to volunteer.
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146. Oh, no. I was there this morning.
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147. - This morning around 5:30. I get there...
- Really?
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148. Every morning,
I try to put in the hours early.
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149. - That's amazing.
- Why don't we just go to a movie?
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150. Or a film or whatever
we got coming up.
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151. Weekends too. I try to do
as much work as I can for...
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152. And now, Jake Steel: Marionette Cop.
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153. It was Saturday night, 2 a.m.
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154. I was walking my beat when I noticed
an open window at Shempkin's Market.
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155. Suddenly, I spotted two punks climbing
out the window with stolen groceries.
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156. - Freeze, dirtbags!
- See you later, copper.
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157. Oh, I'll be seeing you...
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158. in hell.
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159. I ain't going back to the joint, pig!
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160. Oh, God.
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161. Oh, God.
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162. My legs!
I can't feel my legs!
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163. Gino!
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164. Gino!
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165. Get up, man! Get up!
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166. Oh, my God! You killed Gino!
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167. You stinking pig!
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168. You killed my baby brother!
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169. You dirty, stinking pig!
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170. I'm gonna kill you!
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171. Hello, Department of Sanitation?
This is Officer Jake Steel.
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172. Send a truck to Sixth and Main.
I need you to pick up some garbage.
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173. - I've gotta meet her.
- Down, boy.
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174. It's now or never.
I'm gonna introduce myself.
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175. Attention, shoppers.
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176. This man wants to make a good
impression, but he's got dandruff.
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177. What?
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178. The only thing she'll do
when she sees you is flake out.
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179. - Will you quit talking like that?
- Like what?
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180. In that voice. Will you stop speaking in
that stupid "funny" voice all the time?
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181. News flash: This is how
hip and clever people talk.
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182. Yeah? Well, it's just stupid, all right?
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183. Here she comes.
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184. - Hi.
- Hi.
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185. He shoots, he scores!
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186. Oops. Looks like somebody
noticed your dandruff.
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187. What she noticed is
how lame you are.
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188. - Hi. My name is Bob.
- Hi.
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189. And I'm the amusing young friend
who teaches him all about dandruff.
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190. I'm really sorry about my friend.
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191. - What's wrong with him?
- He's obsessed with dandruff.
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192. Are we having fun yet?
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193. For some reason, he keeps speaking
in these irritating "funny" phrases.
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194. I just hate him so much sometimes.
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195. Better beam me up, Scotty.
No intelligent life here.
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196. - Do you want to get some coffee?
- Yeah. I'd love to.
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197. Great.
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198. I don't think we're in Kansas anymore.
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199. Hey, Mr. Wilson.
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200. You know why your wife left you?
You've got dandruff.
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201. Blue & White Shampoo. Because we think
this is the way really cool people talk.
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202. Use of this product may result
in decreased sense of humor.
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203. Manufacturers not responsible
for loss of friends.
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204. The Ben Stiller Show is brought to you
in part by Oliver Stoneland.
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205. And now, with more information
about the park, it's Oliver Stone!
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206. Start your day out
on Main Street, 1964...
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207. where the American dream died
just after Kennedy did.
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208. While you're at the park,
take a trip down Little Wall Street...
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209. where you have to avoid
the falling stockbrokers.
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210. Where's Charlie Sheen
when you need him?
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211. And if you're in
a really adventurous mood...
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212. why not give the Born on the
Fourth of July Bumper Chairs a go-round.
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213. It's 90 solid seconds
of clanking metal and bitter regret.
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214. You need to ride this one
several times...
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215. to fully feel the frustration
and anguish of the Vietnam vet.
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216. Hey, quit it!
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217. I'm gonna get you!
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218. Or if you're in a different mood,
try Late '60s Land...
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219. where the atmosphere is
bitter and discontented...
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220. but the salad bar is
all you can eat.
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221. And coming in the fall of '94...
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222. experience the wonder
of the Hall of Conspiracies...
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223. where every hour, I'll expose
the fabrications of our government...
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224. through the use
of animatronic robots.
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225. We are through
the looking glass, people.
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226. Black is white and white is black.
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227. Who did the president? Oh, man!
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228. It's a mystery wrapped inside a riddle
wrapped inside an enigma.
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229. Sure, they're only robots...
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230. but aren't we puppets tied
to the strings of corruption?
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231. And on your way out,
have your picture taken with Oscar...
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232. one of our highly coveted pals.
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233. So come and enjoy
the distortion of reality that is...
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234. Oliver Stoneland!
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235. Why isn't he bald?
I told you people Oscar is bald.
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236. I know. I have six of them.
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237. I'm working with incompetents here!
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238. I have a vision of this thing.
How come no one else can see it?
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239. I went to Vietnam.
I'm not afraid to kick butt here.
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240. Now, who's responsible?
Get me a razor. I'll shave him myself.
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241. We're back. We're having a picnic
with Sarah Jessica Parker.
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242. I'm sorry to interrupt. I don't want
to ruin your flow or anything...
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243. That's okay.
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244. I just wanna understand the concept
because I'm sort of confused.
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245. I come on the show,
or you have a guest on the show.
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246. We come on and help you
introduce clips or movies...
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247. or whatever those things
you do are.
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248. - Right.
- And then, what?
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249. Like, we're supposed
to eat a big meal?
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250. No. Just this time,
we're having a little picnic.
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251. It's not like every time
we have a meal.
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252. I just thought it would be fun to do.
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253. And then the show, it always
takes place out in the wilderness?
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254. No. Just this time,
we're doing it out in the woods.
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255. It wasn't even my idea.
The writers wanted to.
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256. Then where's the rest of the cast?
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257. I was told I'd be working
with a bunch of people, not just you.
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258. It's not like we're alone.
It's not, like, just us.
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259. This is kind of like America's here.
We're having a picnic with you.
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260. It's like America's having a picnic
with you through me.
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261. I'm a vehicle for America...
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262. I didn't want to do this.
This was the writers' idea.
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263. I don't want to have
a picnic with you.
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264. I mean, not that I don't. I'd love
to have a picnic with you anytime.
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265. There's no pressure about that.
That's not what I mean.
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266. Do you want to have some?
I got Grecian chicken, which is...
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267. - Do you like...?
- I'm not even hungry.
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268. Then don't eat it.
It's not even real.
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269. This is just all fun props and...
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270. - Why don't we...?
- Weird.
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271. Let's go to a film.
Could we go to a little film?
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272. Oh, man. What a nightmare.
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273. Horrible.
Everything's gonna be destroyed.
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274. Keith and David...
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275. - Where is it?
- It's right over there.
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276. - Get out of the house.
- Is there anything I can do...?
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277. Get out! Now!
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278. I always forget that.
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279. Great!
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280. Baby gotta make a poo-poo? Huh?
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281. - What a nice dog you've got.
- Thank you. She's a real sweetheart.
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282. - Have a nice day.
- Yeah. I'll try.
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283. So anyways, I had a lot of braces
and I loved licorice...
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284. and I always looked like this...
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285. in high school.
"Hi, I'm Andy. How are you?"
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286. Sarah, I got the Frisbee.
Sarah, I got it.
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287. - Hi, Ben.
- They aren't bothering you, are they?
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288. - No. They're hilarious.
- Yeah, yeah, they're great.
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289. We're getting together next week
to play volleyball or something.
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290. Ben, you left.
We had to keep the show going.
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291. Do you wanna go?
You wanna go play? Should we...?
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292. Maybe in a second.
I want Andy to finish his story.
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293. Could you wait, please?
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294. - They need you at the soup kitchen.
- It's chicken noodle today.
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295. I had the headgear too, right?
But I never wore it.
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296. Who wore it? You know?
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297. Well, good. Show's going good.
Everybody's having fun.
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298. That's what it's all about.
Everybody having fun.
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299. I'm gonna go play on my own.
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300. There are a lot of Frisbee games
you can play on your own.
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301. You throw it right up in the wind.
It's not easy.
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302. - You are adorable.
- Thank you, Sarah.
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303. It's time once again for
Ask Manson...
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304. starring America's favorite
answer man, Charles Manson.
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305. Our first letter comes from
Beth Del Monte from Wichita, Kansas.
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306. Dear Charles, I have
three rambunctious children.
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307. How do you remove a tomato stain
from a Persian rug?
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308. You can't get a stain out.
You think I'm the stain.
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309. They say Charlie is a stain.
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310. They try to rub me out
and put me in a jail cell.
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311. Only, you just spread me around more.
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312. I'm inside your children.
I'm a stain out there in the world.
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313. I'm not just locked up.
You're locked up in the prison.
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314. I'm free. I'm fly... I'm...
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315. floating around and looking around.
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316. I like it up here.
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317. You should try some lemon juice.
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318. Ask Manson was brought to you by
Happy Children's Toys. Fun for all ages.
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319. That's it. We're out of time.
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320. I wanna thank my guest,
Sarah Jessica Parker.
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321. Thank you. I have to tell you,
your cast is so funny.
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322. They're the funniest people
I have ever met.
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323. Actually, it's funny
you should bring that up...
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324. because I was gonna ask you,
and now's a good time...
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325. I'd love to have you
as a cast member...
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326. No.
on the show.
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327. Okay, I was joking, actually.
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328. - Just kidding around.
- No.
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329. No, no, no. I know.
Of course, I wouldn't even...
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330. Seriously, if you ever wanted
to hang out sometime...
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331. Listen, I really have to go.
But it was nice to meet you...
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332. and good luck with everything.
Bye.
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333. Killed on national TV.
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334. Why don't you tell
another licorice story, Andy?
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335. - What's the matter, Ben?
- What's that mean?
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336. I guess I'll see you guys next week.
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337. - Get him a glass of water.
- You lightheaded?
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338. Somebody get this man a shower.
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339. - Is there a shower out here?
- Yeah, cold shower for Ben.
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340. Hello?
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341. He's not here right now,
but he'll be back shortly.
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342. Can I take a message for him?
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343. Okay.
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344. Yeah.
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345. At 4? Okay.
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346. And anything else?
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347. No, I can remember.
I'll tell him. Sure.
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348. Cut.
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