1. Welcome to the show.
I'm Ben Stiller.
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2. This week we're coming to you from
hip, trendy Melrose Avenue...
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3. the inspiration for Melrose Place.
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4. Fox has decided they want all
their shows to come from Melrose.
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5. They want The Simpsons
taking place on Melrose Avenue...
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6. COPS to be all on Melrose and
Living Color will be Melrose Living Color.
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7. Watch this, and we'll be right back.
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8. This week on Skank...
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9. I love bacon.
Burn, pig, burn!
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10. Don't get too close to that hot grease.
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11. Honey, shut your stinking... My eyes!
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12. - I see nothing!
- Skank!
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13. Everything is turned topsy-turvy
when Skank goes blind.
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14. It's out of the frying pan
and into the laughter...
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15. when the whole family
has some eggshell-walking to do.
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16. Hey, Dad, have you seen my sunglasses?
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17. Mom, get him off me!
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18. And Skank starts to lose touch:
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19. Honey, refresh my memory.
What color are sneezes?
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20. So Doris comes up with a crazy scheme
to cheer Skank up.
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21. Honey, guess who's here.
It's Todd Bridges.
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22. Hey, Skank. I heard you used
to watch me on TV.
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23. Yeah. Watch TV.
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24. V. Vision. Television.
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25. I'm blind, you idiot!
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26. And then it's Todd to
the toe-tapping rescue.
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27. Honey, you keep him busy
while I call the cops.
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28. Kick off your shoes,
because this sock's on Fox!
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29. Honey, I can't see your stinking trap,
but I know it ain't shut!
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30. Skank.
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31. We get these calls at Red Sea Beach
about six or seven times a week.
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32. Some religious fanatics
claiming they're the chosen people...
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33. attempting to defy the laws of nature
in some way.
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34. It's too bad. This used to be
a good neighborhood.
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35. - Jeez, there's the nutjob!
- All right, let's go, Johnny!
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36. Behold the hand of God!
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37. Let the waters part
for the children of Israel!
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38. - Yo! Show's over!
- Hey. Maestro, over here.
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39. - Come over here.
- Get over here.
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40. - What do you want from me?
- Come here.
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41. All right, what's going on here?
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42. - I am parting the Red Sea.
- You got a permit for that?
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43. - Yes.
- Then cough it up.
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44. - Got a permit?
- I mean, no. The Lord has it.
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45. - He has commanded it.
- Yeah, right.
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46. Yes or no? You're trying to part the sea.
We saw you.
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47. Yes and no. The answer is yes and no.
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48. Listen to me. Come here.
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49. Hey, you got about 40,000 people
on the other side of that ridge, right?
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50. You saying you're responsible
for each one of them?
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51. Because someone so much as litters,
I gotta take you in.
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52. Hey, look what I found.
You believe this guy?
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53. What are these about?
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54. In the name of the Lord,
leave those alone.
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55. - Hey, we got a burning bush over here!
- Run, Sarah!
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56. Where you going? Get back here!
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57. Listen. I'm gonna give you
one more shot.
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58. Take these people, turn them around,
take them back where you came from.
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59. I implore you to heed me.
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60. The blood of the Hebrews will make
no more mortar for the Egyptians.
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61. Hey, Pops, listen to me.
I don't care about that.
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62. All I'm saying is,
you can't be here right now.
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63. - You can't be here.
- But...
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64. No buts. That's it.
You gotta take it, move it out, okay?
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65. Hold it in the name of Ramses!
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66. Run, Sarah. Don't listen to him.
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67. - Why you running?
- We worship the golden calf.
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68. Not your buddy parting the water
back there? Where'd you get the calf?
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69. - Found it.
- Made it.
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70. Which is it?
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71. We found the materials and made
it with... What we found.
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72. Get up the hill!
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73. I'm too old for this s * *t.
Get up the hill.
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74. - Don't beat Sarah!
- Get up the hill!
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75. Don't you beat...
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76. You've got to understand
where I'm coming from.
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77. I gotta chase you around all day.
You think I like that?
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78. I'm warning you.
Do not anger the Lord, our God.
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79. Let me tell you something.
Your pal here says...
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80. you've been drinking while
prophesizing. That's a felony, my friend.
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81. - That's right, Popeye.
- You have been warned!
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82. So have you. I'm taking you in.
Let's go build some pyramids, buddy.
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83. What the...? Holy mother of...
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84. Who will be next
to feel the Lord's wrath?
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85. He must be the chosen one.
The Lord speaks through Moses!
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86. This guy, he's obviously
hopped up on something...
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87. so I'm gonna go
messenger for backup.
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88. We'll get him locked up, but in 48 hours,
he'll be out here doing the same thing.
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89. That was my partner, so...
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90. But, you know,
it's part of the business.
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91. I'm getting the f* *k out of here.
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92. Welcome back. We're hanging out here
on Melrose with my friend Bob Odenkirk.
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93. - Hi. This is a cool place. Very hip.
- Yeah, definitely hip.
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94. Most of the people who walk down the
street are probably fans of your show.
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95. I don't know...
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96. Seriously, because the show
is hip too. And cool.
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97. This would be a good chance
to talk to your audience...
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98. and find out what they like
and don't like about the show...
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99. - and detail it to their wishes.
- Yeah, maybe sometime...
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100. - And there's some ladies here too...
- No. Bob...
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101. - Hi. I'm Bob Odenkirk. Hi.
- Hi.
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102. This gentleman would like
to ask you a question.
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103. - No, I don't want to ask...
- Come on, don't be shy.
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104. Have you seen The Ben Stiller Show?
I was wondering...
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105. - Who?
- What is that?
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106. - It's a comedy show on Fox.
- Ben who?
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107. Forget it. Not a good idea. Let's just
watch another Fox show, okay?
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108. - They obviously haven't seen our show.
- Ask them about books they read.
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109. Come on, I just want
to talk to some women.
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110. Exactly. You just want... Go ahead.
You don't need me for that.
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111. Do you watch any TV?
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112. - All the time.
- Really?
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113. - Yeah.
- What do you like?
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114. And now, Ben Stiller's Music News
with Tabitha Soren.
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115. This is a special music video update.
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116. The censorship battle over rap star Ice
Man McGee's latest release is heating up.
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117. A Los Angeles man by the name of
Doug Szathkey...
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118. is protesting Ice Man's new hit
single, "Kill Doug Szathkey."
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119. Mr. Szathkey, who happens to be
Ice Man's neighbor...
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120. claims the lyrics are disturbing
and potentially dangerous...
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121. and called for a nationwide
boycott of the album.
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122. We have received a special
advance copy of the video.
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123. You decide.
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124. Mr. Szathkey granted us an exclusive
interview at his home in Los Angeles.
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125. What did I do?
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126. I mean, I know he has the right
to say anything...
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127. but I'm gonna get killed here.
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128. I gotta move. This is not a good place.
You should get out too.
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129. Oh, God! He's got a gun!
Oh, God!
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130. Oh, no!
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131. Leave me alone!
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132. Ice Man McGee held a press conference
to respond to the charges.
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133. It's like I'm saying.
It's just censorship, straight up.
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134. I would like to make it clear that when
I said, "Kill Doug Szathkey"...
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135. I was using street terminology
to describe a situation from my life.
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136. When you misinterpret my words,
all y'all dis me, you dis my fans...
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137. and you dis the United States
Constitution. And that's the real crime.
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138. Peace. We out of here.
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139. The record company has agreed
to release the album...
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140. with the following warning label:
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141. "Manufacturer does not condone
the killing, or in any way harming...
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142. of Doug Szathkey, but instead wishes
Doug a long, healthy and fulfilling life."
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143. This has been a music video update
brought to you by:
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144. Yummy Gummy Auto Parts,
the auto-part-shaped chewy candy...
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145. with a burst of real fruit juice.
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146. It's really good sparkling water.
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147. We're here at one of the hip Melrose
Avenue restaurants having a good time...
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148. - You ready to order?
- Yeah. Andy?
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149. You know what sounds good
is the Tyne Daly veggie kabob.
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150. - Good. Janeane?
- I'll have the Adam West Cajun bites.
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151. I'm going to have
the Gary Coleman gazpacho.
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152. I'm not hungry. I'm just gonna
have more Ice-T ice tea.
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153. - That's good, that's good.
- Great.
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154. Good meal coming up.
We'll be right back.
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155. - Yeah.
- Know what I mean?
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156. - But I don't like filming on this street.
- It's Melrose...
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157. - Creeps me out. These people are freaks.
- They want us to be hip.
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158. They have brass rings in places where
you should not poke holes.
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159. - Well, Andy...
- I'm always watching my back.
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160. It's very, very scary.
People are walking like this:
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161. - You know, like robots.
- Calm down, all right?
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162. I'm freaked out.
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163. Nothing to be frightened of.
There are worse things to be scared of.
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164. - Let's walk faster.
- Okay.
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165. You're looking at late-night shock jock
Damien Faustman...
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166. a man who hates his listeners
almost as much as he hates himself.
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167. Tonight he'll learn that it doesn't take
a lot of expensive special effects...
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168. or an original story line to come
face to face with his worst nightmare:
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169. His soul.
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170. On Low Budget Tales of Clichéd Horror.
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171. It's 2:15 a.m., Tri-City area, and it's
time for the man you love to hate.
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172. He's taking your calls
and he's mad as hell.
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173. At 666-DVIL, it's Damien Faustman.
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174. It's 2:15, and I'm Damien Faustman.
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175. What are you doing awake?
I hate you all.
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176. Almost as much as I hate myself.
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177. - Line one.
- I just wanna say I love your show...
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178. Shut up. I hate you.
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179. - Line two.
- What's your problem, Faustman?
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180. What did you do, sell your soul
to the devil or something?
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181. - Line three.
- Damien, I'm 16...
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182. and I'm feeling really depressed
and confused...
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183. Go kill yourself. Don't waste my time.
Don't worry. No one will miss you.
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184. Okay, we'll be back with more of your
miserable calls right after this.
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185. I gotta quit these things.
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186. Jeez, it's hot in here.
Damn air conditioning.
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187. Faustman! It's time.
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188. Who said that?
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189. Crazy kids.
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190. All right, we're back, and you're
still calling. How pathetic.
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191. - Line six.
- How hot do you think it is in hell?
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192. I don't know. Why don't you
ask your mother? Line four.
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193. You leave my mother out of this!
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194. You're all alone now, Damien.
Feeling warm?
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195. 666, what a coincidence.
Time is running out.
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196. Look at your friend now. Do I have
to come right out and say it?
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197. Those crazy kids!
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198. - Line one.
- Damien, this is Angelica.
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199. Didn't you get it when I broke up
with you? I hate you!
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200. Almost as much as you hate yourself?
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201. Oh, Damien, I love you.
Let's go away.
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202. Like when we went to that cabin
in the mountains.
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203. Things can be good again.
You've got to believe that they can.
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204. Crank call.
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205. - Line two.
- Good one, Faustman.
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206. I never liked the mountains anyway.
Too chilly.
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207. Why don't you just
show yourself, face to face?
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208. Yes, well, I'd love to. But I think
it'll be a lot scarier for you...
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209. to imagine what I look like.
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210. There's horns on your poster.
I wonder what that means.
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211. Your "On the Air" sign
is getting red. Interesting.
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212. Time's still running out, Faustman.
It's getting so hot in here.
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213. Here at WDVL.
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214. Get it? Pleased to meet you,
won't you guess my name?
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215. - Line one!
- Have a little sympathy for me!
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216. - Those crazy kids! I hate them!
- As much as you hate yourself?
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217. I will not go with you to hell!
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218. Go with me?
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219. News flash: You're already in hell!
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220. - Welcome to hell, Faustman.
- That's it?
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221. - This is it?
- Pretty scary, huh?
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222. Yeah. Yeah, I guess. I mean...
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223. What do you mean, "Yeah, I guess"?
I've been dropping hints at you...
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224. for over an hour now. This is it.
Your own personal hell.
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225. I work with what I got. I mean,
look at the clock. It's got blood on it.
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226. You don't see that every day.
It scares me, and I thought it up.
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227. Yeah, right. Sure. I bet.
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228. Hey, could you stop that, please?
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229. Please, because I'm getting sick, and it's
really... It's enough already with that.
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230. You know, I really... I feel like
I should fall into a fiery pit...
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231. I should get engulfed by something.
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232. There should be something more...
Insects should eat me or something.
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233. I feel this is...
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234. Is it just this? I mean...
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235. I'm not even hot, you know?
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236. Look. We are in a recession.
I am on a budget.
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237. Damien Faustman,
a man who has just learned...
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238. that terror doesn't
have to have a high price tag.
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239. Especially when the thing
you hate most is your...
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240. Self. I know. I hate myself.
I mean, come on.
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241. I think we've beat that one
into the ground. This is just...
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242. Anybody got an iced tea or something?
I mean... This is not really...
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243. This didn't work out too well.
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244. Now, Janeane, you're the perfect
Melrose Avenue resident.
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245. - Thank you.
- You got the look happening.
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246. You're very stylish, very hip.
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247. Well, yeah, I've got
the clothes and stuff...
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248. but I want to say I'm not
just completely surface...
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249. and I'd like to appeal
to the Melrose kids.
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250. Don't just work out these.
You gotta work this muscle out too.
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251. Read a book every once in a while. Might
give you information you might need.
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252. You did well in school?
You were a good student?
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253. - No. Not at all.
- No. See?
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254. - Me neither. I just never...
- Never cracked a book.
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255. Yeah, that's me. I never cracked a book.
That's why I'm doing this.
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256. - Cliffs Notes.
- Know what I'm saying?
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257. Where am I?
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258. Why, in the house of
General George Washington.
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259. But who are you?
And where do you come from?
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260. George Washington?
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261. 1776.
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262. Redcoats. Minutemen!
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263. Why, the old professor
wasn't crazy after all.
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264. His old time machine really works!
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265. Coming this fall: Meet
a new kind of time traveler.
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266. She's just an ordinary citizen
like you and me.
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267. If you have indeed traversed time,
you'll know every strategy and battle...
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268. of the conflict to come.
The revolution is won!
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269. Well, sir, actually, all I remember
is redcoats, minutemen...
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270. and you have wooden teeth.
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271. Well, tell me something I don't know.
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272. Didn't you study American history?
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273. - Yeah, but I wasn't a freak about it.
- Well, that's great. That's just great.
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274. Sorry!
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275. B- minus Time Traveler.
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276. With nothing but a B-minus average
from an American public school...
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277. she plunges through space and time,
helping whomever she can...
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278. with her vague, sketchy knowledge
of American history.
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279. Come on, Stacey,
shake those cobwebs loose!
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280. July 7, 1941, a day
that will live in infamy.
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281. September 12, 1941,
a day that will live in...
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282. Come on, General MacArthur,
they both sound right!
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283. How could you forget the date
Pearl Harbor was bombed?
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284. Well, it's super easy
to cheat in that class...
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285. because we had this system rigged...
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286. where you would write it
on your arm.
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287. She was always the one who asked,
"Why do we need to know this stuff?"
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288. Well, now she has her answer.
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289. Look, Mr. Columbus,
one of your ships gets lost.
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290. Either the Nina or the Pinta.
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291. I should not have cut Spanish.
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292. Crash-o ship-o bye-bye!
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293. It's an endless pop quiz. And now
she wishes she'd done the reading.
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294. Why am I crossing the Delaware?
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295. Am I attacking? Am I retreating?
Just give me something here.
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296. Possibly retreating. I don't remember.
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297. Oh, well, that's a great attitude.
That really helps me a lot.
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298. Look, I know you got
to bring more shoes.
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299. Enough about the shoes.
Everything is shoes and teeth with you!
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300. Just give me a fact, a date, something.
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301. Listen to me. When I was studying
this in school...
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302. I was trying to get
my driver's permit...
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303. cramming for those stupid SATs...
I had a million things on my mind.
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304. For heaven's sake, keep trying.
If you can't remember that date...
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305. this could be
the greatest disaster since...
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306. Washington capsized in the
Delaware with all those shoes.
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307. B- minus Time Traveler.
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308. She never thought
she'd be tested on this.
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309. - Stop yelling at me.
- Well, if you're the future, I quit.
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310. I'm out of here.
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311. Arrivederci Records
is proud to present...
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312. the debut of Mr. Tito Gallegos,
the pig Latin lover.
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313. Order this two-record set now...
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314. and find out what the rest of
the world already knows:
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315. Nobody sings songs of love in pig Latin
the way Tito Gallegos does.
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316. Listen as Tito brings Broadway
into your home.
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317. This rare collection is available
only through this TV offer...
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318. but for a limited time.
Feel the fire, feel the passion...
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319. and feel the spirit
of this unique balladeer.
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320. So order now and discover why
pig Latin is the lost language of love.
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321. All-cay ow-nay. All ajor-may edit-cray
ards-cay accepted!
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322. Well, that's about it.
We're out of time.
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323. We did the whole Melrose thing
this week, but nobody really changed.
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324. - We've learned to be ourselves and...
- I'll stick around.
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325. - Andy, what are you doing?
- I love it here. This place is great.
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326. - It's Melrose.
- I can't believe you.
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327. - What is this hat you're wearing?
- What are you doing? It's mine.
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328. - What are you, Mr. Hip, cool?
- I'm Melrose, Ben. I'm Andy.
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329. I thought you were afraid
of getting things pierced.
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330. Get off it, Ben. These are just people.
Hey, my ride's leaving. I gotta get going.
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331. - Hey, hang on, girls.
- Wait a minute. Andy!
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332. Hang on a second.
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333. No...
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334. - Do you know him?
- Let's go!
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335. - Go ahead, he's...
- Go for it!
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336. Wait. Andy? Andy, I was joking!
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337. Do you know...? Who is that girl?
Do you know her?
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338. - Yeah.
- Where are they going? Do you know...?
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339. I'm sorry.
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340. I guess I'll see you next week, huh?
Yeah.
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341. I've got Martha on my back.
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342. You don't want Martha on your back.
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343. That's something
you don't want to deal with.
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344. Cut.
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