1. Welcome to the show.
I'm Ben Stiller.Copy !req
2. This week we're coming to you from
hip, trendy Melrose Avenue...Copy !req
3. the inspiration for Melrose Place.Copy !req
4. Fox has decided they want all
their shows to come from Melrose.Copy !req
5. They want The Simpsons
taking place on Melrose Avenue...Copy !req
6. COPS to be all on Melrose and
Living Color will be Melrose Living Color.Copy !req
7. Watch this, and we'll be right back.Copy !req
8. This week on Skank...Copy !req
9. I love bacon.
Burn, pig, burn!Copy !req
10. Don't get too close to that hot grease.Copy !req
11. Honey, shut your stinking... My eyes!Copy !req
12. - I see nothing!
- Skank!Copy !req
13. Everything is turned topsy-turvy
when Skank goes blind.Copy !req
14. It's out of the frying pan
and into the laughter...Copy !req
15. when the whole family
has some eggshell-walking to do.Copy !req
16. Hey, Dad, have you seen my sunglasses?Copy !req
17. Mom, get him off me!Copy !req
18. And Skank starts to lose touch:Copy !req
19. Honey, refresh my memory.
What color are sneezes?Copy !req
20. So Doris comes up with a crazy scheme
to cheer Skank up.Copy !req
21. Honey, guess who's here.
It's Todd Bridges.Copy !req
22. Hey, Skank. I heard you used
to watch me on TV.Copy !req
23. Yeah. Watch TV.Copy !req
24. V. Vision. Television.Copy !req
25. I'm blind, you idiot!Copy !req
26. And then it's Todd to
the toe-tapping rescue.Copy !req
27. Honey, you keep him busy
while I call the cops.Copy !req
28. Kick off your shoes,
because this sock's on Fox!Copy !req
29. Honey, I can't see your stinking trap,
but I know it ain't shut!Copy !req
30. Skank.Copy !req
31. We get these calls at Red Sea Beach
about six or seven times a week.Copy !req
32. Some religious fanatics
claiming they're the chosen people...Copy !req
33. attempting to defy the laws of nature
in some way.Copy !req
34. It's too bad. This used to be
a good neighborhood.Copy !req
35. - Jeez, there's the nutjob!
- All right, let's go, Johnny!Copy !req
36. Behold the hand of God!Copy !req
37. Let the waters part
for the children of Israel!Copy !req
38. - Yo! Show's over!
- Hey. Maestro, over here.Copy !req
39. - Come over here.
- Get over here.Copy !req
40. - What do you want from me?
- Come here.Copy !req
41. All right, what's going on here?Copy !req
42. - I am parting the Red Sea.
- You got a permit for that?Copy !req
43. - Yes.
- Then cough it up.Copy !req
44. - Got a permit?
- I mean, no. The Lord has it.Copy !req
45. - He has commanded it.
- Yeah, right.Copy !req
46. Yes or no? You're trying to part the sea.
We saw you.Copy !req
47. Yes and no. The answer is yes and no.Copy !req
48. Listen to me. Come here.Copy !req
49. Hey, you got about 40,000 people
on the other side of that ridge, right?Copy !req
50. You saying you're responsible
for each one of them?Copy !req
51. Because someone so much as litters,
I gotta take you in.Copy !req
52. Hey, look what I found.
You believe this guy?Copy !req
53. What are these about?Copy !req
54. In the name of the Lord,
leave those alone.Copy !req
55. - Hey, we got a burning bush over here!
- Run, Sarah!Copy !req
56. Where you going? Get back here!Copy !req
57. Listen. I'm gonna give you
one more shot.Copy !req
58. Take these people, turn them around,
take them back where you came from.Copy !req
59. I implore you to heed me.Copy !req
60. The blood of the Hebrews will make
no more mortar for the Egyptians.Copy !req
61. Hey, Pops, listen to me.
I don't care about that.Copy !req
62. All I'm saying is,
you can't be here right now.Copy !req
63. - You can't be here.
- But...Copy !req
64. No buts. That's it.
You gotta take it, move it out, okay?Copy !req
65. Hold it in the name of Ramses!Copy !req
66. Run, Sarah. Don't listen to him.Copy !req
67. - Why you running?
- We worship the golden calf.Copy !req
68. Not your buddy parting the water
back there? Where'd you get the calf?Copy !req
69. - Found it.
- Made it.Copy !req
70. Which is it?Copy !req
71. We found the materials and made
it with... What we found.Copy !req
72. Get up the hill!Copy !req
73. I'm too old for this s * *t.
Get up the hill.Copy !req
74. - Don't beat Sarah!
- Get up the hill!Copy !req
75. Don't you beat...Copy !req
76. You've got to understand
where I'm coming from.Copy !req
77. I gotta chase you around all day.
You think I like that?Copy !req
78. I'm warning you.
Do not anger the Lord, our God.Copy !req
79. Let me tell you something.
Your pal here says...Copy !req
80. you've been drinking while
prophesizing. That's a felony, my friend.Copy !req
81. - That's right, Popeye.
- You have been warned!Copy !req
82. So have you. I'm taking you in.
Let's go build some pyramids, buddy.Copy !req
83. What the...? Holy mother of...Copy !req
84. Who will be next
to feel the Lord's wrath?Copy !req
85. He must be the chosen one.
The Lord speaks through Moses!Copy !req
86. This guy, he's obviously
hopped up on something...Copy !req
87. so I'm gonna go
messenger for backup.Copy !req
88. We'll get him locked up, but in 48 hours,
he'll be out here doing the same thing.Copy !req
89. That was my partner, so...Copy !req
90. But, you know,
it's part of the business.Copy !req
91. I'm getting the f* *k out of here.Copy !req
92. Welcome back. We're hanging out here
on Melrose with my friend Bob Odenkirk.Copy !req
93. - Hi. This is a cool place. Very hip.
- Yeah, definitely hip.Copy !req
94. Most of the people who walk down the
street are probably fans of your show.Copy !req
95. I don't know...Copy !req
96. Seriously, because the show
is hip too. And cool.Copy !req
97. This would be a good chance
to talk to your audience...Copy !req
98. and find out what they like
and don't like about the show...Copy !req
99. - and detail it to their wishes.
- Yeah, maybe sometime...Copy !req
100. - And there's some ladies here too...
- No. Bob...Copy !req
101. - Hi. I'm Bob Odenkirk. Hi.
- Hi.Copy !req
102. This gentleman would like
to ask you a question.Copy !req
103. - No, I don't want to ask...
- Come on, don't be shy.Copy !req
104. Have you seen The Ben Stiller Show?
I was wondering...Copy !req
105. - Who?
- What is that?Copy !req
106. - It's a comedy show on Fox.
- Ben who?Copy !req
107. Forget it. Not a good idea. Let's just
watch another Fox show, okay?Copy !req
108. - They obviously haven't seen our show.
- Ask them about books they read.Copy !req
109. Come on, I just want
to talk to some women.Copy !req
110. Exactly. You just want... Go ahead.
You don't need me for that.Copy !req
111. Do you watch any TV?Copy !req
112. - All the time.
- Really?Copy !req
113. - Yeah.
- What do you like?Copy !req
114. And now, Ben Stiller's Music News
with Tabitha Soren.Copy !req
115. This is a special music video update.Copy !req
116. The censorship battle over rap star Ice
Man McGee's latest release is heating up.Copy !req
117. A Los Angeles man by the name of
Doug Szathkey...Copy !req
118. is protesting Ice Man's new hit
single, "Kill Doug Szathkey."Copy !req
119. Mr. Szathkey, who happens to be
Ice Man's neighbor...Copy !req
120. claims the lyrics are disturbing
and potentially dangerous...Copy !req
121. and called for a nationwide
boycott of the album.Copy !req
122. We have received a special
advance copy of the video.Copy !req
123. You decide.Copy !req
124. Mr. Szathkey granted us an exclusive
interview at his home in Los Angeles.Copy !req
125. What did I do?Copy !req
126. I mean, I know he has the right
to say anything...Copy !req
127. but I'm gonna get killed here.Copy !req
128. I gotta move. This is not a good place.
You should get out too.Copy !req
129. Oh, God! He's got a gun!
Oh, God!Copy !req
130. Oh, no!Copy !req
131. Leave me alone!Copy !req
132. Ice Man McGee held a press conference
to respond to the charges.Copy !req
133. It's like I'm saying.
It's just censorship, straight up.Copy !req
134. I would like to make it clear that when
I said, "Kill Doug Szathkey"...Copy !req
135. I was using street terminology
to describe a situation from my life.Copy !req
136. When you misinterpret my words,
all y'all dis me, you dis my fans...Copy !req
137. and you dis the United States
Constitution. And that's the real crime.Copy !req
138. Peace. We out of here.Copy !req
139. The record company has agreed
to release the album...Copy !req
140. with the following warning label:Copy !req
141. "Manufacturer does not condone
the killing, or in any way harming...Copy !req
142. of Doug Szathkey, but instead wishes
Doug a long, healthy and fulfilling life."Copy !req
143. This has been a music video update
brought to you by:Copy !req
144. Yummy Gummy Auto Parts,
the auto-part-shaped chewy candy...Copy !req
145. with a burst of real fruit juice.Copy !req
146. It's really good sparkling water.Copy !req
147. We're here at one of the hip Melrose
Avenue restaurants having a good time...Copy !req
148. - You ready to order?
- Yeah. Andy?Copy !req
149. You know what sounds good
is the Tyne Daly veggie kabob.Copy !req
150. - Good. Janeane?
- I'll have the Adam West Cajun bites.Copy !req
151. I'm going to have
the Gary Coleman gazpacho.Copy !req
152. I'm not hungry. I'm just gonna
have more Ice-T ice tea.Copy !req
153. - That's good, that's good.
- Great.Copy !req
154. Good meal coming up.
We'll be right back.Copy !req
155. - Yeah.
- Know what I mean?Copy !req
156. - But I don't like filming on this street.
- It's Melrose...Copy !req
157. - Creeps me out. These people are freaks.
- They want us to be hip.Copy !req
158. They have brass rings in places where
you should not poke holes.Copy !req
159. - Well, Andy...
- I'm always watching my back.Copy !req
160. It's very, very scary.
People are walking like this:Copy !req
161. - You know, like robots.
- Calm down, all right?Copy !req
162. I'm freaked out.Copy !req
163. Nothing to be frightened of.
There are worse things to be scared of.Copy !req
164. - Let's walk faster.
- Okay.Copy !req
165. You're looking at late-night shock jock
Damien Faustman...Copy !req
166. a man who hates his listeners
almost as much as he hates himself.Copy !req
167. Tonight he'll learn that it doesn't take
a lot of expensive special effects...Copy !req
168. or an original story line to come
face to face with his worst nightmare:Copy !req
169. His soul.Copy !req
170. On Low Budget Tales of Clichéd Horror.Copy !req
171. It's 2:15 a.m., Tri-City area, and it's
time for the man you love to hate.Copy !req
172. He's taking your calls
and he's mad as hell.Copy !req
173. At 666-DVIL, it's Damien Faustman.Copy !req
174. It's 2:15, and I'm Damien Faustman.Copy !req
175. What are you doing awake?
I hate you all.Copy !req
176. Almost as much as I hate myself.Copy !req
177. - Line one.
- I just wanna say I love your show...Copy !req
178. Shut up. I hate you.Copy !req
179. - Line two.
- What's your problem, Faustman?Copy !req
180. What did you do, sell your soul
to the devil or something?Copy !req
181. - Line three.
- Damien, I'm 16...Copy !req
182. and I'm feeling really depressed
and confused...Copy !req
183. Go kill yourself. Don't waste my time.
Don't worry. No one will miss you.Copy !req
184. Okay, we'll be back with more of your
miserable calls right after this.Copy !req
185. I gotta quit these things.Copy !req
186. Jeez, it's hot in here.
Damn air conditioning.Copy !req
187. Faustman! It's time.Copy !req
188. Who said that?Copy !req
189. Crazy kids.Copy !req
190. All right, we're back, and you're
still calling. How pathetic.Copy !req
191. - Line six.
- How hot do you think it is in hell?Copy !req
192. I don't know. Why don't you
ask your mother? Line four.Copy !req
193. You leave my mother out of this!Copy !req
194. You're all alone now, Damien.
Feeling warm?Copy !req
195. 666, what a coincidence.
Time is running out.Copy !req
196. Look at your friend now. Do I have
to come right out and say it?Copy !req
197. Those crazy kids!Copy !req
198. - Line one.
- Damien, this is Angelica.Copy !req
199. Didn't you get it when I broke up
with you? I hate you!Copy !req
200. Almost as much as you hate yourself?Copy !req
201. Oh, Damien, I love you.
Let's go away.Copy !req
202. Like when we went to that cabin
in the mountains.Copy !req
203. Things can be good again.
You've got to believe that they can.Copy !req
204. Crank call.Copy !req
205. - Line two.
- Good one, Faustman.Copy !req
206. I never liked the mountains anyway.
Too chilly.Copy !req
207. Why don't you just
show yourself, face to face?Copy !req
208. Yes, well, I'd love to. But I think
it'll be a lot scarier for you...Copy !req
209. to imagine what I look like.Copy !req
210. There's horns on your poster.
I wonder what that means.Copy !req
211. Your "On the Air" sign
is getting red. Interesting.Copy !req
212. Time's still running out, Faustman.
It's getting so hot in here.Copy !req
213. Here at WDVL.Copy !req
214. Get it? Pleased to meet you,
won't you guess my name?Copy !req
215. - Line one!
- Have a little sympathy for me!Copy !req
216. - Those crazy kids! I hate them!
- As much as you hate yourself?Copy !req
217. I will not go with you to hell!Copy !req
218. Go with me?Copy !req
219. News flash: You're already in hell!Copy !req
220. - Welcome to hell, Faustman.
- That's it?Copy !req
221. - This is it?
- Pretty scary, huh?Copy !req
222. Yeah. Yeah, I guess. I mean...Copy !req
223. What do you mean, "Yeah, I guess"?
I've been dropping hints at you...Copy !req
224. for over an hour now. This is it.
Your own personal hell.Copy !req
225. I work with what I got. I mean,
look at the clock. It's got blood on it.Copy !req
226. You don't see that every day.
It scares me, and I thought it up.Copy !req
227. Yeah, right. Sure. I bet.Copy !req
228. Hey, could you stop that, please?Copy !req
229. Please, because I'm getting sick, and it's
really... It's enough already with that.Copy !req
230. You know, I really... I feel like
I should fall into a fiery pit...Copy !req
231. I should get engulfed by something.Copy !req
232. There should be something more...
Insects should eat me or something.Copy !req
233. I feel this is...Copy !req
234. Is it just this? I mean...Copy !req
235. I'm not even hot, you know?Copy !req
236. Look. We are in a recession.
I am on a budget.Copy !req
237. Damien Faustman,
a man who has just learned...Copy !req
238. that terror doesn't
have to have a high price tag.Copy !req
239. Especially when the thing
you hate most is your...Copy !req
240. Self. I know. I hate myself.
I mean, come on.Copy !req
241. I think we've beat that one
into the ground. This is just...Copy !req
242. Anybody got an iced tea or something?
I mean... This is not really...Copy !req
243. This didn't work out too well.Copy !req
244. Now, Janeane, you're the perfect
Melrose Avenue resident.Copy !req
245. - Thank you.
- You got the look happening.Copy !req
246. You're very stylish, very hip.Copy !req
247. Well, yeah, I've got
the clothes and stuff...Copy !req
248. but I want to say I'm not
just completely surface...Copy !req
249. and I'd like to appeal
to the Melrose kids.Copy !req
250. Don't just work out these.
You gotta work this muscle out too.Copy !req
251. Read a book every once in a while. Might
give you information you might need.Copy !req
252. You did well in school?
You were a good student?Copy !req
253. - No. Not at all.
- No. See?Copy !req
254. - Me neither. I just never...
- Never cracked a book.Copy !req
255. Yeah, that's me. I never cracked a book.
That's why I'm doing this.Copy !req
256. - Cliffs Notes.
- Know what I'm saying?Copy !req
257. Where am I?Copy !req
258. Why, in the house of
General George Washington.Copy !req
259. But who are you?
And where do you come from?Copy !req
260. George Washington?Copy !req
261. 1776.Copy !req
262. Redcoats. Minutemen!Copy !req
263. Why, the old professor
wasn't crazy after all.Copy !req
264. His old time machine really works!Copy !req
265. Coming this fall: Meet
a new kind of time traveler.Copy !req
266. She's just an ordinary citizen
like you and me.Copy !req
267. If you have indeed traversed time,
you'll know every strategy and battle...Copy !req
268. of the conflict to come.
The revolution is won!Copy !req
269. Well, sir, actually, all I remember
is redcoats, minutemen...Copy !req
270. and you have wooden teeth.Copy !req
271. Well, tell me something I don't know.Copy !req
272. Didn't you study American history?Copy !req
273. - Yeah, but I wasn't a freak about it.
- Well, that's great. That's just great.Copy !req
274. Sorry!Copy !req
275. B- minus Time Traveler.Copy !req
276. With nothing but a B-minus average
from an American public school...Copy !req
277. she plunges through space and time,
helping whomever she can...Copy !req
278. with her vague, sketchy knowledge
of American history.Copy !req
279. Come on, Stacey,
shake those cobwebs loose!Copy !req
280. July 7, 1941, a day
that will live in infamy.Copy !req
281. September 12, 1941,
a day that will live in...Copy !req
282. Come on, General MacArthur,
they both sound right!Copy !req
283. How could you forget the date
Pearl Harbor was bombed?Copy !req
284. Well, it's super easy
to cheat in that class...Copy !req
285. because we had this system rigged...Copy !req
286. where you would write it
on your arm.Copy !req
287. She was always the one who asked,
"Why do we need to know this stuff?"Copy !req
288. Well, now she has her answer.Copy !req
289. Look, Mr. Columbus,
one of your ships gets lost.Copy !req
290. Either the Nina or the Pinta.Copy !req
291. I should not have cut Spanish.Copy !req
292. Crash-o ship-o bye-bye!Copy !req
293. It's an endless pop quiz. And now
she wishes she'd done the reading.Copy !req
294. Why am I crossing the Delaware?Copy !req
295. Am I attacking? Am I retreating?
Just give me something here.Copy !req
296. Possibly retreating. I don't remember.Copy !req
297. Oh, well, that's a great attitude.
That really helps me a lot.Copy !req
298. Look, I know you got
to bring more shoes.Copy !req
299. Enough about the shoes.
Everything is shoes and teeth with you!Copy !req
300. Just give me a fact, a date, something.Copy !req
301. Listen to me. When I was studying
this in school...Copy !req
302. I was trying to get
my driver's permit...Copy !req
303. cramming for those stupid SATs...
I had a million things on my mind.Copy !req
304. For heaven's sake, keep trying.
If you can't remember that date...Copy !req
305. this could be
the greatest disaster since...Copy !req
306. Washington capsized in the
Delaware with all those shoes.Copy !req
307. B- minus Time Traveler.Copy !req
308. She never thought
she'd be tested on this.Copy !req
309. - Stop yelling at me.
- Well, if you're the future, I quit.Copy !req
310. I'm out of here.Copy !req
311. Arrivederci Records
is proud to present...Copy !req
312. the debut of Mr. Tito Gallegos,
the pig Latin lover.Copy !req
313. Order this two-record set now...Copy !req
314. and find out what the rest of
the world already knows:Copy !req
315. Nobody sings songs of love in pig Latin
the way Tito Gallegos does.Copy !req
316. Listen as Tito brings Broadway
into your home.Copy !req
317. This rare collection is available
only through this TV offer...Copy !req
318. but for a limited time.
Feel the fire, feel the passion...Copy !req
319. and feel the spirit
of this unique balladeer.Copy !req
320. So order now and discover why
pig Latin is the lost language of love.Copy !req
321. All-cay ow-nay. All ajor-may edit-cray
ards-cay accepted!Copy !req
322. Well, that's about it.
We're out of time.Copy !req
323. We did the whole Melrose thing
this week, but nobody really changed.Copy !req
324. - We've learned to be ourselves and...
- I'll stick around.Copy !req
325. - Andy, what are you doing?
- I love it here. This place is great.Copy !req
326. - It's Melrose.
- I can't believe you.Copy !req
327. - What is this hat you're wearing?
- What are you doing? It's mine.Copy !req
328. - What are you, Mr. Hip, cool?
- I'm Melrose, Ben. I'm Andy.Copy !req
329. I thought you were afraid
of getting things pierced.Copy !req
330. Get off it, Ben. These are just people.
Hey, my ride's leaving. I gotta get going.Copy !req
331. - Hey, hang on, girls.
- Wait a minute. Andy!Copy !req
332. Hang on a second.Copy !req
333. No...Copy !req
334. - Do you know him?
- Let's go!Copy !req
335. - Go ahead, he's...
- Go for it!Copy !req
336. Wait. Andy? Andy, I was joking!Copy !req
337. Do you know...? Who is that girl?
Do you know her?Copy !req
338. - Yeah.
- Where are they going? Do you know...?Copy !req
339. I'm sorry.Copy !req
340. I guess I'll see you next week, huh?
Yeah.Copy !req
341. I've got Martha on my back.Copy !req
342. You don't want Martha on your back.Copy !req
343. That's something
you don't want to deal with.Copy !req
344. Cut.Copy !req