1. Welcome to the show. This week,
Scotty from Star Trek will be here.
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2. - This is Andy Dick, cast member.
- Nice to meet everybody.
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3. - So James Doohan is gonna be here.
- I wanted to talk about the guest.
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4. - Scotty.
- I was wondering...
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5. That's a good guest, but could we
have gotten someone like...
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6. I don't know, anybody.
Bette Midler or somebody?
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7. You know what I was thinking?
Bruce Springsteen.
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8. - He's in town.
- Andy, it's Scotty.
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9. - Bruce Springsteen!
- It's Scotty. I'm sorry.
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10. - No, no. Okay.
- I'm a big Star Trek fan.
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11. You already planned it ahead.
Don't worry about it. It'll be good.
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12. Couldn't get Springsteen.
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13. Legends of Springsteen.
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14. It was the most incredible thing
that has happened to me.
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15. Springsteen was in town giving
a concert. I couldn't afford the tickets.
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16. So I'm in this bar
drowning my sorrows.
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17. Suddenly the door bangs open,
and who walks in...
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18. but the man himself. I had
heard stories about The Boss...
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19. showing up in a bar, but I
never thought it would happen to me.
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20. One, two, three!
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21. All right!
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22. How you all doing out there?
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23. He must have been up there
for 15 hours.
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24. He played every song he ever wrote.
And one of my favorites.
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25. But that was nothing.
After he's done playing...
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26. he grabs a pail and mop
and starts washing the floors.
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27. I mean, he was really scrubbing.
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28. And if that ain't enough,
he refills the ketchup bottles.
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29. The next morning when I woke up,
I had been freshly shaved...
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30. manicured and my shoes
had been polished.
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31. And they call James Brown the
hardest-working man in show business.
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32. Welcome back to Amish Studs.
I'm your host, Mark DeCarlo.
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33. We're in Lancaster, PA,
the heart of Amish country.
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34. Our two studs, Noah and Jebediah, both
have no hearts, but the game ain't over.
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35. Well, Noah, what would you say
girls find appealing about you?
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36. Well, sir, I am a plain man.
But if forced to choose a quality...
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37. I'd say my skill at mending a harness.
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38. Well, it's always the quiet ones
who are into the kinky stuff, huh?
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39. We asked our young ladies about their
dates with you, Noah...
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40. and this is what they said:
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41. "I was impressed with his
incredible plowing ability."
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42. Sounds interesting.
Okay.
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43. "He really knew how to churn butter."
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44. I'd like to hear more about that.
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45. "He was a man of the land,
and I wanted to get dirty."
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46. Tell me who said what,
I'll give you one of these.
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47. Stud with the most hearts wins a
dream date with the girl of his choice.
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48. Seeing as how the rules command it...
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49. "I was impressed with his
incredible plowing ability," would be...
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50. Beth.
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51. Beth.
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52. - No, I did not say that.
- What did you say?
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53. I said, he really knew
how to churn butter.
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54. What is it with this churning-butter thing?
Other guys can't churn butter?
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55. No, sir. None of them possessed
the proper stamina.
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56. Ouch! I know what you're talking about.
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57. Listen here! If you persist
in nurturing these unclean thoughts...
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58. I will end this discussion, hitch up
my buggy and deal with you...
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59. in a most unpleasant manner.
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60. Take a chill pill. He's acting like
I installed electricity in his house!
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61. Don't worry, game's almost over.
Let's find out who's the bigger stud.
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62. Neither of you have any hearts,
so the game's up for grabs.
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63. Who'd you choose?
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64. I do not choose to continue
courting Rebecca...
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65. and I do not choose Suzie.
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66. If it is approved by
the deacon and her father...
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67. - I would like to call on Beth again.
- All right! Well, Beth.
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68. Beth picks you,
where you going on your dream date?
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69. We'll take a buggy ride
up to Hassom's Orchard...
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70. and have some fresh cider.
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71. Sounds good. You'll both be parched
after churning all that butter!
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72. What's so funny, Noah?
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73. "After churning all that butter."
I know what you speak.
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74. - I'll bet you do!
- Noah!
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75. From what I heard,
there's plenty of butter!
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76. Why don't you pull it together, Noah,
and tell us who you chose.
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77. I did not choose Rebecca.
I did not choose Beth.
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78. - I chose Suzie.
- Suzie!
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79. - Why'd you choose her?
- Because of her incredible body.
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80. It is forbidden fruit, and I'm a fruit fly!
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81. - We are leaving here at once!
- Not without my Suzie!
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82. - She's the chosen fruited one.
- This is all your fault.
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83. You and all the other outsiders!
Why can't you leave us alone?
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84. You and your graven-image
takers must go!
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85. They say the Amish are dull,
but I think that's a load of fertilizer.
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86. I'll see you next week on Amish Studs.
Look at me, I'm Amish. I'm funny.
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87. Hey, look at me, I ride a buggy
and I have no buttons!
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88. That was funny.
I thought that was pretty good.
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89. It's kind of funny if you enjoy picking on
peace-Ioving, defenseless people.
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90. That's what I wanted to discuss with you.
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91. Why don't you talk to my agent, okay?
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92. I can never get him on the phone!
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93. He's busy.
Agents, they're very slick characters.
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94. They get you jobs,
and they deal in show business.
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95. - Who else does he handle?
- Run-D.M.C. Ever seen them?
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96. - Rap group.
- Yeah. They're very funny.
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97. It'd be interesting
to see him with Run-D.M.C.
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98. I'd like to see it.
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99. Okay. Why don't we take a look?
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100. We just wanna do our new song
on The Ben Stiller Show.
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101. Could I just say something? As your
new agent, I have to say this:
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102. You be illin'. You've done
the rap thing. Let's move on.
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103. Let's break the bounds.
Let's do a sitcom.
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104. Run, you rent an apartment. Betty White
comes in, she rented the same apartment.
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105. Jay lives downstairs, D lives upstairs.
She teaches you to cook.
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106. Jay teaches her to scratch.
It reaches everybody.
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107. - I ain't gonna reach nobody.
- It's stupid.
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108. Word up, man. It's bananas.
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109. Bananas. See?
I love this.
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110. You guys have a whole comic thing
happening, and you don't even realize it.
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111. If the Marx Brothers
saw you right now, they'd flip.
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112. Right now, in their graves, they're breaking.
They're doing Electric Boogaloo...
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113. and they don't know what happened.
Why didn't I think of this 10 years ago?
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114. Right now it's hitting me: Talk show.
The three of you.
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115. That's why Miller didn't happen.
It was one guy.
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116. Run's on the couch, Jay's the sidekick,
D's leading the band. That's it.
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117. It's over, and Leno has run away
in the hills, hiding, naked...
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118. Iooking for his mommy.
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119. We just wanna do our song.
We just wanna rock the mic.
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120. Run said it best, "Jam Master Jay,
he's the one in charge.
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121. It's up to him to rock the beats
which are truly large."
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122. But I'm getting big offers for you guys.
I've got an infomercial for you.
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123. Some product that cuts
your hair with magnets.
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124. - Magnets?
- Forget it. Fat Boys took it.
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125. - We just want to rock the mic.
- We're talking about you guys.
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126. You slay all suckers who perpetrate,
you lay down law from state to state.
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127. Everybody's doing
a bad impression of you guys.
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128. If I want an impression,
I'll go see Rich Little, not NRA.
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129. - N.W.A.
- Yeah, whatever. Hang on.
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130. Jennifer, get me two tickets for
Rich Little. You guys wanna go? No?
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131. - We're doing The Ben Stiller Show.
- You don't wanna do TV.
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132. You're major motion picture actors.
Stop thinking with the little head...
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133. and start thinking with the big head.
I'm talking about a movie career.
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134. Why aren't you doing Batman 3?
You guys could play the villain.
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135. Jay, make up an animal.
Who am I? I'm Koala Man.
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136. I climb up trees, scrape people,
and I got a little fuzzy nose.
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137. D, just pick something.
Look, I'm Tree Man.
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138. Every day, I grow a root. I go up
the tree and an apple falls off me.
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139. The apple's gonna hit you. Scary.
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140. And Run.
Danny DeVito playing the Penguin?
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141. "Look at me, I'm a penguin." No, you
are a penguin! I mean that in a good way.
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142. I look at you in a tuxedo, and I see
the soul of a Ionely, lost penguin.
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143. It's a beautiful thing.
Think about this stuff, guys.
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144. Just think about it, okay?
All right?
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145. Listen. Peace out, guys.
Word to your mothers. Okay.
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146. Jennifer, when Tom Bosley gets
out of the bathroom, send him in.
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147. I will never forget it.
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148. I was nine-and-a-half months pregnant
and just finishing my double shift...
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149. Bang!
I started going into labor.
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150. Y'all! My water just broke!
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151. There wasn't a doctor for miles and none
of the guys knew how to deliver a baby.
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152. Just then, the door swings open,
and who walks in...
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153. but Mr. Bruce Springsteen.
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154. Legends of Springsteen.
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155. Hey, little girl, is your daddy home?
Did he go and leave you all alone?
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156. He was incredible.
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157. Here she comes!
She's coming out to jungle land!
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158. Come on, push and breathe.
Push and breathe.
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159. She's a feisty little one.
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160. Born in the U.S.A. Yeah.
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161. It was the happiest moment of my life.
But that happiness turned to horror...
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162. as moments later, two aliens entered
the bar and said they needed my baby...
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163. to fuel their rocket ship.
Everybody panicked.
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164. Everybody but Bruce, that is.
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165. Hey, man...
All right?
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166. That's right. And stay out.
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167. Thanks to Bruce, little Springsteena
is here with her mama today...
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168. and not in some gas station
up on Venus.
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169. I'm young at heart.
I still get cavities.
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170. - What was your problem?
- With my teeth?
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171. No, with the show.
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172. Yeah. We're opposite 60 Minutes.
We need to compete on the same level.
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173. We need to be informational.
We need to teach...
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174. Bob, it's a comedy show.
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175. 60 Minutes has got Andy Rooney.
They got us beat there too.
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176. Let's compete on the informational level.
Let's do something informative.
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177. But we're on Fox, so it
should be kind of racy.
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178. Racy, but informative.
Informational...
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179. - Maybe a documentary or something?
- That'd be great.
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180. - A little documentary.
- I'd be knocked out.
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181. - Why don't you get to the dentist.
- Okay.
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182. - Temporary filling.
- The dentist.
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183. Man has always strived
to conquer space...
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184. but there's one chapter
few people remember. It's late 1960...
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185. and Kennedy is prepared to do anything
to surpass Russia in the race to space.
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186. The Soviets have successfully
launched a dog into orbit.
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187. While America experiences success
with Chuckles the chimpanzee...
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188. Russia immediately counters
with a seal, Lupovnik.
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189. America responds by sending a camel,
Dilly, followed by a baby elephant...
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190. and finally a team: Zimba, a three-foot
garden snake, and Happy, a mouse.
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191. Only Zimba returns.
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192. Kennedy has played right
into the Kremlin's hands.
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193. Labeled a space-age Dr. Doolittle,
he responds with a cunning plan.
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194. Kennedy intends to send
high-fashion models into space.
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195. Across the country, modeling agencies
send their best to Washington...
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196. to see who has the right stuff.
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197. More than 4000 applicants are seen,
with the president screening each one...
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198. in intense, closed-door sessions.
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199. Finally, the field is whittled to
two candidates, Bim and Bo.
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200. The pair are such
impressive specimens...
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201. it's hard to tell who's learning
more, the models or the scientists.
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202. Up and down,
up and down, Bim.
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203. Before long, it will
just be up, up and away!
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204. This is a star, Bo. Pay attention.
Soon it will be your closest neighbor.
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205. Marathon sessions bring the two
up to speed on the latest technology.
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206. New hair sprays and eyelash sealants will
need to be developed for space travel.
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207. Sessions in the zero-gravity chamber
are televised and become so popular...
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208. that Gunsmoke, the number-one show,
is forced to change nights.
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209. Meanwhile, the space program
is getting a whole new look.
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210. We say it is space suit,
so there must be space.
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211. All over. Turn around.
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212. See? Space, space.
What is this space?
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213. It is beautiful-woman space.
She is very feminine.
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214. Finally, the model-nauts are ready.
On a chilly April morning...
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215. they are escorted to the launch area.
Goodbyes are never easy...
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216. and today everyone
needs a reassuring hug.
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217. As they make their way up the launching
pad, everyone cops one last look.
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218. The president arrives for a final
closed-capsule session, and then:
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219. In T minus three, two, one...
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220. we have liftoff.
And there are American models in space.
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221. Godspeed to you, Bim and Bo.
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222. But a problem develops.
Bim has made a grave miscalculation...
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223. by bringing along her personal stylist.
With the extra weight...
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224. the capsule won't be able
to sustain re-entry, and the models...
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225. who do not get off the phone,
are unreachable.
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226. However, officials at NASA
consider the mission a success.
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227. Much has been learned.
Legend has it, on a clear night...
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228. one can still see two beautiful models
soaring across the heavens.
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229. James is here?
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230. Oh, look.
James Doohan is here.
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231. - Morning, Ben.
- How you doing?
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232. - Fine. How are you?
- Glad you could make it.
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233. James is gonna be our guest on
the show. You headed to makeup?
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234. Well, somewhere where they
might do something.
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235. - I notice you're very well made-up.
- Yes, I'm made-up. You got it.
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236. - I'm as red as you are right now.
- I feel kind of...
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237. I get nervous around you
because you're...
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238. a big idol of mine.
I appreciate it.
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239. We're gonna watch some films, all right?
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240. - Oh, well, okay.
- We could talk about Star Trek a bit.
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241. - Why not? Let's do that.
- Let's do that. See you in a sec.
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242. The Post Hole Digger by Wilson.
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243. You must get annoyed with people asking
you questions about Star Trek.
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244. No, I don't get annoyed
unless I have a mouthful...
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245. What's the difference between
impulse power and warp drive?
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246. Impulse power is like a rocket.
Or ionization.
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247. In the engine room, those long things
behind you were the impulse engines?
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248. "City on the Edge of Forever."
When you go through the time portal...
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249. Why did the costumes change in "The
Menagerie"? Wasn't that where you cut...?
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250. That was "The Cage." The first episode.
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251. On "The Enemy Within," when you beamed
down that dog, how did the dog survive?
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252. When it comes back,
it's turned into two different things.
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253. - Could you go into the warp pods?
- Sure. You can go into the warp pods.
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254. You have to check them out.
You could...
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255. I can't believe I'm sitting
here with Scotty.
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256. Wouldn't it be great
if we became friends?
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257. They're the purest form of matter
to mix with antimatter.
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258. In "The Gamesters of Triskelion,"
those battering rams they had...
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259. - I couldn't figure out whether...
- Ben.
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260. Will you stop it on the Star Trek
questions? I've had enough of that.
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261. God, I get it week in, week out,
all the time, everybody...
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262. "Hi, Scotty."
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263. You know, come on.
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264. Can't we find something
more interesting to talk about?
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265. I'm sorry, yes.
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266. Can I ask you one more thing?
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267. As sure as I am honest,
I'll never forget that day.
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268. I was working on a speech, and
something about it just wasn't flowing.
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269. All of a sudden...
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270. Hey, there.
Something not flowing?
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271. Legends of Springsteen.
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272. Bruce sat with me for three hours,
pointing out where I had made mistakes.
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273. Why don't you try:
"Fourscore and seven years ago"?
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274. You like that?
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275. It's got a better ring to it
than "87."
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276. Well, you're The Boss.
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277. I got a lot of mileage out of that speech.
Thanks, Bruce!
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278. That's about it. I'd like to thank
my guest James Doohan...
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279. Scotty from Star Trek.
Thank you very much.
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280. Oh, I got you something.
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281. - Thank you.
- Scotty doll.
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282. Thanks very much, Ben.
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283. Maybe we could hang out.
Get something to eat.
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284. I don't think so, Ben.
I'm pretty busy.
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285. Thanks for doing the show.
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286. Could I just...?
One thing I didn't...
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287. On that "Way to Eden" episode,
with the space hippies...
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288. No more Star Trek.
remember that song you sang?
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