The Ben Stiller Show: Season 1, Episode 3

Directed by Ben Stiller • John Fortenberry

Special guest star James Doohan joins the cast to introduce several comedy sketches.Sketches include: Legends Of Springsteen Amish Studs Michael Pheret,Talent Agency Legends Of Springsteen The Quest For Space What is Sexy? Scotty Fantasy More Legnds Of Springsteen

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1. Welcome to the show. This week, Scotty from Star Trek will be here.

2. - This is Andy Dick, cast member. - Nice to meet everybody.

3. - So James Doohan is gonna be here. - I wanted to talk about the guest.

4. - Scotty. - I was wondering...

5. That's a good guest, but could we have gotten someone like...

6. I don't know, anybody. Bette Midler or somebody?

7. You know what I was thinking? Bruce Springsteen.

8. - He's in town. - Andy, it's Scotty.

9. - Bruce Springsteen! - It's Scotty. I'm sorry.

10. - No, no. Okay. - I'm a big Star Trek fan.

11. You already planned it ahead. Don't worry about it. It'll be good.

12. Couldn't get Springsteen.

13. Legends of Springsteen.

14. It was the most incredible thing that has happened to me.

15. Springsteen was in town giving a concert. I couldn't afford the tickets.

16. So I'm in this bar drowning my sorrows.

17. Suddenly the door bangs open, and who walks in...

18. but the man himself. I had heard stories about The Boss...

19. showing up in a bar, but I never thought it would happen to me.

20. One, two, three!

21. All right!

22. How you all doing out there?

23. He must have been up there for 15 hours.

24. He played every song he ever wrote. And one of my favorites.

25. But that was nothing. After he's done playing...

26. he grabs a pail and mop and starts washing the floors.

27. I mean, he was really scrubbing.

28. And if that ain't enough, he refills the ketchup bottles.

29. The next morning when I woke up, I had been freshly shaved...

30. manicured and my shoes had been polished.

31. And they call James Brown the hardest-working man in show business.

32. Welcome back to Amish Studs. I'm your host, Mark DeCarlo.

33. We're in Lancaster, PA, the heart of Amish country.

34. Our two studs, Noah and Jebediah, both have no hearts, but the game ain't over.

35. Well, Noah, what would you say girls find appealing about you?

36. Well, sir, I am a plain man. But if forced to choose a quality...

37. I'd say my skill at mending a harness.

38. Well, it's always the quiet ones who are into the kinky stuff, huh?

39. We asked our young ladies about their dates with you, Noah...

40. and this is what they said:

41. "I was impressed with his incredible plowing ability."

42. Sounds interesting. Okay.

43. "He really knew how to churn butter."

44. I'd like to hear more about that.

45. "He was a man of the land, and I wanted to get dirty."

46. Tell me who said what, I'll give you one of these.

47. Stud with the most hearts wins a dream date with the girl of his choice.

48. Seeing as how the rules command it...

49. "I was impressed with his incredible plowing ability," would be...

50. Beth.

51. Beth.

52. - No, I did not say that. - What did you say?

53. I said, he really knew how to churn butter.

54. What is it with this churning-butter thing? Other guys can't churn butter?

55. No, sir. None of them possessed the proper stamina.

56. Ouch! I know what you're talking about.

57. Listen here! If you persist in nurturing these unclean thoughts...

58. I will end this discussion, hitch up my buggy and deal with you...

59. in a most unpleasant manner.

60. Take a chill pill. He's acting like I installed electricity in his house!

61. Don't worry, game's almost over. Let's find out who's the bigger stud.

62. Neither of you have any hearts, so the game's up for grabs.

63. Who'd you choose?

64. I do not choose to continue courting Rebecca...

65. and I do not choose Suzie.

66. If it is approved by the deacon and her father...

67. - I would like to call on Beth again. - All right! Well, Beth.

68. Beth picks you, where you going on your dream date?

69. We'll take a buggy ride up to Hassom's Orchard...

70. and have some fresh cider.

71. Sounds good. You'll both be parched after churning all that butter!

72. What's so funny, Noah?

73. "After churning all that butter." I know what you speak.

74. - I'll bet you do! - Noah!

75. From what I heard, there's plenty of butter!

76. Why don't you pull it together, Noah, and tell us who you chose.

77. I did not choose Rebecca. I did not choose Beth.

78. - I chose Suzie. - Suzie!

79. - Why'd you choose her? - Because of her incredible body.

80. It is forbidden fruit, and I'm a fruit fly!

81. - We are leaving here at once! - Not without my Suzie!

82. - She's the chosen fruited one. - This is all your fault.

83. You and all the other outsiders! Why can't you leave us alone?

84. You and your graven-image takers must go!

85. They say the Amish are dull, but I think that's a load of fertilizer.

86. I'll see you next week on Amish Studs. Look at me, I'm Amish. I'm funny.

87. Hey, look at me, I ride a buggy and I have no buttons!

88. That was funny. I thought that was pretty good.

89. It's kind of funny if you enjoy picking on peace-Ioving, defenseless people.

90. That's what I wanted to discuss with you.

91. Why don't you talk to my agent, okay?

92. I can never get him on the phone!

93. He's busy. Agents, they're very slick characters.

94. They get you jobs, and they deal in show business.

95. - Who else does he handle? - Run-D.M.C. Ever seen them?

96. - Rap group. - Yeah. They're very funny.

97. It'd be interesting to see him with Run-D.M.C.

98. I'd like to see it.

99. Okay. Why don't we take a look?

100. We just wanna do our new song on The Ben Stiller Show.

101. Could I just say something? As your new agent, I have to say this:

102. You be illin'. You've done the rap thing. Let's move on.

103. Let's break the bounds. Let's do a sitcom.

104. Run, you rent an apartment. Betty White comes in, she rented the same apartment.

105. Jay lives downstairs, D lives upstairs. She teaches you to cook.

106. Jay teaches her to scratch. It reaches everybody.

107. - I ain't gonna reach nobody. - It's stupid.

108. Word up, man. It's bananas.

109. Bananas. See? I love this.

110. You guys have a whole comic thing happening, and you don't even realize it.

111. If the Marx Brothers saw you right now, they'd flip.

112. Right now, in their graves, they're breaking. They're doing Electric Boogaloo...

113. and they don't know what happened. Why didn't I think of this 10 years ago?

114. Right now it's hitting me: Talk show. The three of you.

115. That's why Miller didn't happen. It was one guy.

116. Run's on the couch, Jay's the sidekick, D's leading the band. That's it.

117. It's over, and Leno has run away in the hills, hiding, naked...

118. Iooking for his mommy.

119. We just wanna do our song. We just wanna rock the mic.

120. Run said it best, "Jam Master Jay, he's the one in charge.

121. It's up to him to rock the beats which are truly large."

122. But I'm getting big offers for you guys. I've got an infomercial for you.

123. Some product that cuts your hair with magnets.

124. - Magnets? - Forget it. Fat Boys took it.

125. - We just want to rock the mic. - We're talking about you guys.

126. You slay all suckers who perpetrate, you lay down law from state to state.

127. Everybody's doing a bad impression of you guys.

128. If I want an impression, I'll go see Rich Little, not NRA.

129. - N.W.A. - Yeah, whatever. Hang on.

130. Jennifer, get me two tickets for Rich Little. You guys wanna go? No?

131. - We're doing The Ben Stiller Show. - You don't wanna do TV.

132. You're major motion picture actors. Stop thinking with the little head...

133. and start thinking with the big head. I'm talking about a movie career.

134. Why aren't you doing Batman 3? You guys could play the villain.

135. Jay, make up an animal. Who am I? I'm Koala Man.

136. I climb up trees, scrape people, and I got a little fuzzy nose.

137. D, just pick something. Look, I'm Tree Man.

138. Every day, I grow a root. I go up the tree and an apple falls off me.

139. The apple's gonna hit you. Scary.

140. And Run. Danny DeVito playing the Penguin?

141. "Look at me, I'm a penguin." No, you are a penguin! I mean that in a good way.

142. I look at you in a tuxedo, and I see the soul of a Ionely, lost penguin.

143. It's a beautiful thing. Think about this stuff, guys.

144. Just think about it, okay? All right?

145. Listen. Peace out, guys. Word to your mothers. Okay.

146. Jennifer, when Tom Bosley gets out of the bathroom, send him in.

147. I will never forget it.

148. I was nine-and-a-half months pregnant and just finishing my double shift...

149. Bang! I started going into labor.

150. Y'all! My water just broke!

151. There wasn't a doctor for miles and none of the guys knew how to deliver a baby.

152. Just then, the door swings open, and who walks in...

153. but Mr. Bruce Springsteen.

154. Legends of Springsteen.

155. Hey, little girl, is your daddy home? Did he go and leave you all alone?

156. He was incredible.

157. Here she comes! She's coming out to jungle land!

158. Come on, push and breathe. Push and breathe.

159. She's a feisty little one.

160. Born in the U.S.A. Yeah.

161. It was the happiest moment of my life. But that happiness turned to horror...

162. as moments later, two aliens entered the bar and said they needed my baby...

163. to fuel their rocket ship. Everybody panicked.

164. Everybody but Bruce, that is.

165. Hey, man... All right?

166. That's right. And stay out.

167. Thanks to Bruce, little Springsteena is here with her mama today...

168. and not in some gas station up on Venus.

169. I'm young at heart. I still get cavities.

170. - What was your problem? - With my teeth?

171. No, with the show.

172. Yeah. We're opposite 60 Minutes. We need to compete on the same level.

173. We need to be informational. We need to teach...

174. Bob, it's a comedy show.

175. 60 Minutes has got Andy Rooney. They got us beat there too.

176. Let's compete on the informational level. Let's do something informative.

177. But we're on Fox, so it should be kind of racy.

178. Racy, but informative. Informational...

179. - Maybe a documentary or something? - That'd be great.

180. - A little documentary. - I'd be knocked out.

181. - Why don't you get to the dentist. - Okay.

182. - Temporary filling. - The dentist.

183. Man has always strived to conquer space...

184. but there's one chapter few people remember. It's late 1960...

185. and Kennedy is prepared to do anything to surpass Russia in the race to space.

186. The Soviets have successfully launched a dog into orbit.

187. While America experiences success with Chuckles the chimpanzee...

188. Russia immediately counters with a seal, Lupovnik.

189. America responds by sending a camel, Dilly, followed by a baby elephant...

190. and finally a team: Zimba, a three-foot garden snake, and Happy, a mouse.

191. Only Zimba returns.

192. Kennedy has played right into the Kremlin's hands.

193. Labeled a space-age Dr. Doolittle, he responds with a cunning plan.

194. Kennedy intends to send high-fashion models into space.

195. Across the country, modeling agencies send their best to Washington...

196. to see who has the right stuff.

197. More than 4000 applicants are seen, with the president screening each one...

198. in intense, closed-door sessions.

199. Finally, the field is whittled to two candidates, Bim and Bo.

200. The pair are such impressive specimens...

201. it's hard to tell who's learning more, the models or the scientists.

202. Up and down, up and down, Bim.

203. Before long, it will just be up, up and away!

204. This is a star, Bo. Pay attention. Soon it will be your closest neighbor.

205. Marathon sessions bring the two up to speed on the latest technology.

206. New hair sprays and eyelash sealants will need to be developed for space travel.

207. Sessions in the zero-gravity chamber are televised and become so popular...

208. that Gunsmoke, the number-one show, is forced to change nights.

209. Meanwhile, the space program is getting a whole new look.

210. We say it is space suit, so there must be space.

211. All over. Turn around.

212. See? Space, space. What is this space?

213. It is beautiful-woman space. She is very feminine.

214. Finally, the model-nauts are ready. On a chilly April morning...

215. they are escorted to the launch area. Goodbyes are never easy...

216. and today everyone needs a reassuring hug.

217. As they make their way up the launching pad, everyone cops one last look.

218. The president arrives for a final closed-capsule session, and then:

219. In T minus three, two, one...

220. we have liftoff. And there are American models in space.

221. Godspeed to you, Bim and Bo.

222. But a problem develops. Bim has made a grave miscalculation...

223. by bringing along her personal stylist. With the extra weight...

224. the capsule won't be able to sustain re-entry, and the models...

225. who do not get off the phone, are unreachable.

226. However, officials at NASA consider the mission a success.

227. Much has been learned. Legend has it, on a clear night...

228. one can still see two beautiful models soaring across the heavens.

229. James is here?

230. Oh, look. James Doohan is here.

231. - Morning, Ben. - How you doing?

232. - Fine. How are you? - Glad you could make it.

233. James is gonna be our guest on the show. You headed to makeup?

234. Well, somewhere where they might do something.

235. - I notice you're very well made-up. - Yes, I'm made-up. You got it.

236. - I'm as red as you are right now. - I feel kind of...

237. I get nervous around you because you're...

238. a big idol of mine. I appreciate it.

239. We're gonna watch some films, all right?

240. - Oh, well, okay. - We could talk about Star Trek a bit.

241. - Why not? Let's do that. - Let's do that. See you in a sec.

242. The Post Hole Digger by Wilson.

243. You must get annoyed with people asking you questions about Star Trek.

244. No, I don't get annoyed unless I have a mouthful...

245. What's the difference between impulse power and warp drive?

246. Impulse power is like a rocket. Or ionization.

247. In the engine room, those long things behind you were the impulse engines?

248. "City on the Edge of Forever." When you go through the time portal...

249. Why did the costumes change in "The Menagerie"? Wasn't that where you cut...?

250. That was "The Cage." The first episode.

251. On "The Enemy Within," when you beamed down that dog, how did the dog survive?

252. When it comes back, it's turned into two different things.

253. - Could you go into the warp pods? - Sure. You can go into the warp pods.

254. You have to check them out. You could...

255. I can't believe I'm sitting here with Scotty.

256. Wouldn't it be great if we became friends?

257. They're the purest form of matter to mix with antimatter.

258. In "The Gamesters of Triskelion," those battering rams they had...

259. - I couldn't figure out whether... - Ben.

260. Will you stop it on the Star Trek questions? I've had enough of that.

261. God, I get it week in, week out, all the time, everybody...

262. "Hi, Scotty."

263. You know, come on.

264. Can't we find something more interesting to talk about?

265. I'm sorry, yes.

266. Can I ask you one more thing?

267. As sure as I am honest, I'll never forget that day.

268. I was working on a speech, and something about it just wasn't flowing.

269. All of a sudden...

270. Hey, there. Something not flowing?

271. Legends of Springsteen.

272. Bruce sat with me for three hours, pointing out where I had made mistakes.

273. Why don't you try: "Fourscore and seven years ago"?

274. You like that?

275. It's got a better ring to it than "87."

276. Well, you're The Boss.

277. I got a lot of mileage out of that speech. Thanks, Bruce!

278. That's about it. I'd like to thank my guest James Doohan...

279. Scotty from Star Trek. Thank you very much.

280. Oh, I got you something.

281. - Thank you. - Scotty doll.

282. Thanks very much, Ben.

283. Maybe we could hang out. Get something to eat.

284. I don't think so, Ben. I'm pretty busy.

285. Thanks for doing the show.

286. Could I just...? One thing I didn't...

287. On that "Way to Eden" episode, with the space hippies...

288. No more Star Trek. remember that song you sang?