1. - Skank. Skank. Skank.
- Skank.Copy !req
2. Relax.Copy !req
3. And now, through the holy miracle
of television...Copy !req
4. it's America's favorite talk show:
Zoo TV Late At Night.Copy !req
5. about the glitz and the glamour.Copy !req
6. With the world's
most watchable band, U2.Copy !req
7. Now the man who eats the green clovers
but refuses to eat the yellow stars:Copy !req
8. Bono!Copy !req
9. I got friends out there
with ice picks.Copy !req
10. Thank you! Thank you!Copy !req
11. Great crowd we got tonight.Copy !req
12. What happened? Did the bus from
Jeopardy! break down again?Copy !req
13. Thank you. But I'll tell you...
Thank you!Copy !req
14. In the time it takes you
to stop applauding...Copy !req
15. they've dumped 17,000 tons
of waste into the North Sea.Copy !req
16. Don't flash that applause sign
again...Copy !req
17. or you'll kill
every duck in Belfast.Copy !req
18. Larry!Copy !req
19. That's a cue.Copy !req
20. Rock 'n' roll doggy. Yeah!Copy !req
21. All right. Now let's say hello
to the master of the jangling six-string:Copy !req
22. The Edge!Copy !req
23. Looks like about 14 cows were
slaughtered in outfitting The Edge tonight.Copy !req
24. That's 14 cows less that are polluting
the ozone with their methane gases.Copy !req
25. Ouch! Edge is hot tonight.
Can't be messing with him.Copy !req
26. This is the section
of the crowd over here...Copy !req
27. that would've voted
for the fat Bono stamp. Yeah!Copy !req
28. Vote for it.
Exercise your right.Copy !req
29. All right. Edge, play the blues.Copy !req
30. Tonight, in the Zoo, we've got
some very funky cats.Copy !req
31. Our special guest tonight,
Mr. George Jefferson himself:Copy !req
32. Sherman Hemsley.Copy !req
33. So let's get down.
Let's get frisky.Copy !req
34. Let's get absolutely busy!Copy !req
35. Hey, how you doing?
I'm Ben Stiller.Copy !req
36. We're coming to you
from a steam room...Copy !req
37. I'll tell them why.
Because Fox is a hot network, man.Copy !req
38. - Watch, it'll make you lose weight.
- Fox is so hot, I can't breathe.Copy !req
39. - Hey, Janeane, how are you?
- Hi.Copy !req
40. We canceled the steam-room sketch,
so you thought you'd host from here?Copy !req
41. All right, let's go to our first piece.Copy !req
42. - Just grab a robe and go with it.
- I don't think so.Copy !req
43. - I love you.
- I love you too.Copy !req
44. I don't think so.Copy !req
45. It's time once again
for Otto, the Anti-Cupid.Copy !req
46. Growing up in the shadow
of his younger brother, Cupid...Copy !req
47. Otto, embittered and enraged,
dedicated his life...Copy !req
48. to forcing people to fall in love
with the wrong person.Copy !req
49. Benjamin Bradley, 28 years old.Copy !req
50. Likes sports, the theater,
being in the great outdoors...Copy !req
51. or inside by the fire,
reading a good book.Copy !req
52. Looks like a man
in search of love to me.Copy !req
53. There's a lovely one.
She's a beauty.Copy !req
54. Cupid's perfect match.Copy !req
55. Too bad I'm not Cupid...Copy !req
56. and I'm filled
with hatred and rage.Copy !req
57. All right, ladies, time for love.Copy !req
58. - Hi there.
- Hello, young man.Copy !req
59. No, I mean... Hi there.
I'm Benjamin.Copy !req
60. My name is
Gertrude Anderson.Copy !req
61. - You're beautiful.
- I'm 78 years old.Copy !req
62. The things you must know.Copy !req
63. I'm sorry?Copy !req
64. Teach me, Gert.Copy !req
65. - Take me to school.
- Young man!Copy !req
66. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Gert!Copy !req
67. I'm moving too fast.
I know. I can go slower.Copy !req
68. Really. I've done that too.Copy !req
69. Whatever your game is,
Gert, I'll play it.Copy !req
70. Police! Police! Help!
Help! Police!Copy !req
71. Oh, yeah.Copy !req
72. - Can I help you?
- Yes. Yes, you can.Copy !req
73. I'd like to see Gertrude, please.Copy !req
74. Oh, dear! That's the man
from the park.Copy !req
75. Make him go away!Copy !req
76. I don't know what kind of sick thrills
you get from this.Copy !req
77. This is a retirement home,
not a playground for perverts.Copy !req
78. She's expecting me!
You don't understand!Copy !req
79. What, didn't get enough attention
from your grandparents?Copy !req
80. Gertrude, please, just hear me out!
I love you!Copy !req
81. "I love you."
That is rich.Copy !req
82. I know we can make it work.
We just both have to want it.Copy !req
83. - I know you can hear me!
- That does it, buddy. You're out of here.Copy !req
84. - People like you make this world horrible.
- Don't worry. He'll find love again.Copy !req
85. - You have the bluest eyes.
- What?Copy !req
86. - Do you ski?
- Get out of here!Copy !req
87. I love my life.Copy !req
88. Next week on Otto, the Anti-Copy !req
89. Wait! Wait!Copy !req
90. I love you.
I really love you.Copy !req
91. I do. I don't care
what my friends say.Copy !req
92. Doomed souls wander the earth,
unfit for heaven or hell.Copy !req
93. And they're waiting to talk to you!Copy !req
94. It's Kreepee Board!Copy !req
95. Kreepee Board!Copy !req
96. Just lay your hands on the pointer
and let the spooks do the rest.Copy !req
97. I am in Todd!Copy !req
98. All right, gang,
cookie break.Copy !req
99. Creepy.Copy !req
100. No, no! My baby!Copy !req
101. Feel the cold hand of a loved one
on your neck with Kreepee.Copy !req
102. Some assembly required.
Manufacturers are not responsible...Copy !req
103. for the eternal damnation of souls.
Kreepee Board by Funnerz!Copy !req
104. Letterman's out of there. The guy
is defective. It's history. It's old news.Copy !req
105. You'll be stuck without a paddle,
saying, why couldn't I help you out?Copy !req
106. I'm telling you, Willie, Tyler
and Lester can host a show.Copy !req
107. One's a dummy, one's a ventriloquist,
but they can ask questions.Copy !req
108. This is great.
We'll sit with it. Okay, all right.Copy !req
109. Michael, I've been looking, as you know,
for an agent for a long time.Copy !req
110. I just wanna make sure that
I'm making the right decision, that's all.Copy !req
111. Get out of here. Go see every other agent,
then come back.Copy !req
112. - You know you're gonna come back.
- Well...Copy !req
113. I've always loved... I'm a kid.
I've always loved superheroes.Copy !req
114. I came up with this superhero
character...Copy !req
115. but my power would be
having an incredible sense of smell.Copy !req
116. Stop. No, really. Just wait a minute.Copy !req
117. Have you been coming in here,
sneaking through my papers?Copy !req
118. Or were you electrocuted and you
got psychic-something happening?Copy !req
119. I'm not kidding you, six days ago,
I wrote down, for no reason...Copy !req
120. not even knowing
I was going to meet you:Copy !req
121. Howie Mandel. Smell. Superhero.Copy !req
122. - You like the idea?
- Like it? Give me a taste. Come on.Copy !req
123. Well, I would:
And I would continue...Copy !req
124. And I'd pick up the:Copy !req
125. Find the crime.Copy !req
126. There... There's a...
A mastermind.Copy !req
127. A criminal...Copy !req
128. Smell the crime.Copy !req
129. He's gonna overtake the world.
I smell something.Copy !req
130. I smell... Like that.
It would be like that.Copy !req
131. Wow. Can I just say I smelled it
just then with you?Copy !req
132. I mean, I'm not kidding you.Copy !req
133. I don't know if this is a scary thing,
but it's scary and funny.Copy !req
134. I see it as St. Elsewhere meets
the Wonder Woman kind of...Copy !req
135. Great. You're my favorite client.
I haven't even signed you yet.Copy !req
136. - Well, I will sign.
- This is why I got in the business.Copy !req
137. So I could meet people like you.
Go, "We're gonna do that together."Copy !req
138. I'm excited. I'll call you
in the morning to get the papers.Copy !req
139. You know what I smell?
I smell something.Copy !req
140. I smell the beginning
of a long something.Copy !req
141. - This is gonna be great.
- Hey, Howie, stay healthy.Copy !req
142. That nose is
a gold mine now, right?Copy !req
143. Jennifer, Howie Mandel, he puts
the glove on this head, right?Copy !req
144. Or does he hit the fruit
with the hammer?Copy !req
145. Hey, welcome back.Copy !req
146. This might be a good opportunity to thank
our sponsors, the backbone of the show.Copy !req
147. We never get to tell them
how much we appreciate their support.Copy !req
148. We use all the products that we sell.Copy !req
149. For instance, my teeth are as white
as these tiles.Copy !req
150. - My toupee stays on even in water!
- My corns have all dissolved.Copy !req
151. The food is fast and delicious!Copy !req
152. Thanks. Remember, buy those products.
They're good, and they really do work.Copy !req
153. It's time once again for a 30-second
conspiracy theory.Copy !req
154. John F. Kennedy was assassinated for
one reason: Because he was obsessed...Copy !req
155. with the dream
of mass-producing an electric car.Copy !req
156. When the heads of the corporations
found out about his dream...Copy !req
157. they sent a Ione gunman to Dallas.Copy !req
158. He drove there without stopping for gas
once, because he was driving in...Copy !req
159. an electric car.Copy !req
160. With the death of John Kennedy,
so died the dreams of the electric car.Copy !req
161. But it was reborn in his son,
Robert Kennedy, and died again.Copy !req
162. And now the hopes and dreams
of the electric car...Copy !req
163. live on only in me.Copy !req
164. I will be assassinated
on July 5, 1994...Copy !req
165. by Lee Harvey Oswald III.Copy !req
166. He'll be driving an electric car.Copy !req
167. The manatee is a slow,
lumbering, docile creature...Copy !req
168. swimming majestically
in the filthy toilet man has created.Copy !req
169. We blow chunks into their home,
rape their environment.Copy !req
170. - We are committing genocide!
- Cut.Copy !req
171. He's fatigued from the expedition,
perhaps a little punch-drunk.Copy !req
172. Jacques, time is money.
Let's just do this again.Copy !req
173. Money? How much dollars
will it take to clean the ocean?Copy !req
174. - Let's do it again.
- Re-cuing.Copy !req
175. Monsieur Limon, please read the script
in your hands.Copy !req
176. Pierre...Copy !req
177. This is my 85th special.Copy !req
178. I know what I am doing.Copy !req
179. - He'll be fine.
- He better be.Copy !req
180. The manatee is a slow,
lumbering, docile creature...Copy !req
181. that roams the depths
of the sea...Copy !req
182. searching in vain
for a sweet lover.Copy !req
183. I need a woman. Kiss me.Copy !req
184. - Kiss me.
- Cut!Copy !req
185. I love you. Why do you taunt me
with your beauty?Copy !req
186. - Hey! Get off the glass!
- Your loins scream for me. Admit it.Copy !req
187. - Disgusting!
- Come on, guys!Copy !req
188. Monsieur, monsieur.
The producer, she grows impatient.Copy !req
189. Ah, Pierre.
Women, they get impatient.Copy !req
190. If they didn't,
they wouldn't be so beautiful.Copy !req
191. Here we go!Copy !req
192. The manatee is a slow,
lumbering, docile creature...Copy !req
193. that hurts no one.Copy !req
194. He spends his time swimming
in the ocean...Copy !req
195. until he is eventually killed.Copy !req
196. Look at me.
I am a helpless manatee!Copy !req
197. - Cut!
- But please don't kill me.Copy !req
198. I swim in the ocean,
and I love my life.Copy !req
199. I'm holding you personally responsible
for this!Copy !req
200. Please.Copy !req
201. Pierre, I'll get it.Copy !req
202. The manatee is a slow,
lumbering, docile creature...Copy !req
203. that roams the depths of the sea.Copy !req
204. There he is.
I call him François.Copy !req
205. Hello, François!Copy !req
206. - Cut!
- I loved you...Copy !req
207. But like everything I ever loved,
you died a slow, tragic death...Copy !req
208. at the blade of my own propeller.
I am your assassin!Copy !req
209. - Oh, no!
- That is it!Copy !req
210. - Pierre, where are you?
- Monsieur.Copy !req
211. I killed François!
It was all my fault!Copy !req
212. - It was not your fault.
- He came through the propeller!Copy !req
213. - And he was spinning!
- No, no.Copy !req
214. - And he said, "Go away!"
- We go home.Copy !req
215. - I am home! I am home, Pierre!
- I'll take you home.Copy !req
216. - Is there anything we can salvage?
- I can edit something together.Copy !req
217. The manatee is a slow,
lumbering, docile creature...Copy !req
218. that roams the sea
searching for food...Copy !req
219. and someone to love!Copy !req
220. All right, okay. We are back.Copy !req
221. A couple of announcements here.Copy !req
222. Tomorrow night, Mr. Lester Tuckerbee
will be here...Copy !req
223. from Tulsa, Oklahoma.
And he is 101 years old.Copy !req
224. He's gonna bring on some giant
vegetables he's grown in his garden.Copy !req
225. Apparently, he's bringing
on a 40-pound plantain.Copy !req
226. Adam, you should have some fun with
that one. Also, John Larroquette.Copy !req
227. We're here with Sherman Hemsley.
You were telling us a story. What was it?Copy !req
228. Yeah, right. So Isabel...Copy !req
229. You mean Wheezy?
George's wife, Wheezy.Copy !req
230. Right. Wheezy.Copy !req
231. I love the way you say that.
Wheezy. Yeah? Wheezy.Copy !req
232. She's giving me one of her looks,
you know?Copy !req
233. It's that stone-cold look when you
come home late from the dry cleaners.Copy !req
234. Right. And Marla...
Florence tells me:Copy !req
235. - "I'm not wiping it up, Mr. Jefferson."
- Now, she's a sassy lass.Copy !req
236. She can really cook up the bacon
and fry it up in a pan.Copy !req
237. Anyway, I bend down
to clean it up...Copy !req
238. but I slip and fall
face first into it, right? I get up...Copy !req
239. it's all over my face. I'm bleeding.
But I never miss a beat.Copy !req
240. The crowd goes crazy.
The cameras never stopped rolling.Copy !req
241. This man's a trouper, isn't he?
Give it up for Sherman Hemsley.Copy !req
242. I also understand you're writing
a cookbook. Is that so?Copy !req
243. - That's right.
- Why a cookbook for Sherman Hemsley?Copy !req
244. Because I love that down-home
Louisiana spicy cooking.Copy !req
245. I love the way you say that.
Wait a minute. Wheeziana!Copy !req
246. - Say it.
- Wheeziana!Copy !req
247. I love it. Wheeziana.Copy !req
248. Yeah, Wheezy.
I love Wheeziana.Copy !req
249. Check this out. Isn't this incredible?Copy !req
250. The man is Sherman Hemsley.Copy !req
251. The book is Cooking with Sherman
Hemsley. Yeah! Thank you.Copy !req
252. - Take a look at what's on Zoo TV.
- Why not?Copy !req
253. All right, here we go.Copy !req
254. George Jefferson,
what are you up to now?Copy !req
255. Live via the Zoo TV satellite
from Cairo, Egypt...Copy !req
256. it's Isabel "Wheezy" Sanford!Copy !req
257. Isabel, you look as beautiful as ever!Copy !req
258. Sherman, it's nice to see you
as cute and tiny as ever!Copy !req
259. Of course, I'm watching you
on a tiny, little monitor.Copy !req
260. The magic is still there, people.
Isn't it beautiful?Copy !req
261. We're seeing a magical reunion. That's
what it's about. People coming together.Copy !req
262. If we move together,
we can move it on up. Right?Copy !req
263. - That's right!
- Isn't that right, Wheezy?Copy !req
264. - Oh, yeah.
- Yeah.Copy !req
265. Sing it, Wheezy!Copy !req
266. Thank you!Copy !req
267. I'd like to thank my guests
Mr. Sherman "George Jefferson" Hemsley.Copy !req
268. Miss Isabel "Wheezy" Sanford!Copy !req
269. We're The Edge, Adam Clayton
and Larry Mullen Jr.Copy !req
270. My name is Bono. Remember, I'm not
a god, I just play one on television.Copy !req
271. We'll see you tomorrow night
on Zoo TV Late at Night. Thank you!Copy !req
272. Hello. My name is Leslie Chapman.Copy !req
273. I am an actor/dancer
here in Hollywood.Copy !req
274. You might recognize me.Copy !req
275. I did a very popular Michael Jackson
video a few years back.Copy !req
276. Anyhow, times have been tough,
with the economy and whatnot.Copy !req
277. So if you know anybody who needs
a good actor/dancer...Copy !req
278. give my agent, Mike Gorman, a call,
and we can set something up.Copy !req
279. Until then...Copy !req
280. Welcome back
to the steam room.Copy !req
281. Our producer thought
it would be funny to be in here.Copy !req
282. Why don't we get him in here to
breathe in the fake smoke that kills?Copy !req
283. - Look. It's our producer.
- Bad idea.Copy !req
284. You like what you're
putting us through?Copy !req
285. - That's the problem.
- Take off your sweater.Copy !req
286. Every joke I write doesn't work.Copy !req
287. - You tuned out 100,000 viewers.
- He's wearing a sweater.Copy !req
288. - So how's the salmon? Is it good?
- It's delicious.Copy !req
289. - You glad you ordered it?
- Yes, I am.Copy !req
290. I don't know what's wrong with this.
Is polenta supposed to be tangy?Copy !req
291. You're not getting a piece.
All I had today was soup. I'm famished.Copy !req
292. Did I ask you for any of your salmon?
Did I say I wanted any?Copy !req
293. - Like I don't know what you're up to.
- I don't want any of your salmon.Copy !req
294. But I'm not gonna eat the polenta.
It's not agreeing with me. No, no.Copy !req
295. - Have it. It's a nice piece of fish.
- I don't want it.Copy !req
296. - It's a nice piece of fish.
- I don't need it. Please.Copy !req
297. - Then stop pouting.
- If I was gonna pout, I'd be your son.Copy !req
298. - Like father like son, can I say that?
- That kid has no business sense.Copy !req
299. I recall you and your partner not having
much luck with the Nova business.Copy !req
300. I don't know what you're talking about.
That's ancient history.Copy !req
301. You want me to give Pishek a call?Copy !req
302. You're gonna bring up Pishek?
Pooey on Pishek, all right?Copy !req
303. Pishek's a no-good, lying S.O.B.
May he rot in hell, that bastard.Copy !req
304. - Now I can't eat. My digestion's upset.
- I can't eat either. I'm not gonna eat.Copy !req
305. You want me to eat with Pishek on
my mind? I thought we were past Pishek.Copy !req