1. - Skank. Skank. Skank.
- Skank.
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2. Relax.
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3. And now, through the holy miracle
of television...
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4. it's America's favorite talk show:
Zoo TV Late At Night.
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5. about the glitz and the glamour.
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6. With the world's
most watchable band, U2.
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7. Now the man who eats the green clovers
but refuses to eat the yellow stars:
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8. Bono!
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9. I got friends out there
with ice picks.
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10. Thank you! Thank you!
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11. Great crowd we got tonight.
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12. What happened? Did the bus from
Jeopardy! break down again?
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13. Thank you. But I'll tell you...
Thank you!
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14. In the time it takes you
to stop applauding...
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15. they've dumped 17,000 tons
of waste into the North Sea.
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16. Don't flash that applause sign
again...
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17. or you'll kill
every duck in Belfast.
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18. Larry!
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19. That's a cue.
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20. Rock 'n' roll doggy. Yeah!
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21. All right. Now let's say hello
to the master of the jangling six-string:
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22. The Edge!
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23. Looks like about 14 cows were
slaughtered in outfitting The Edge tonight.
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24. That's 14 cows less that are polluting
the ozone with their methane gases.
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25. Ouch! Edge is hot tonight.
Can't be messing with him.
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26. This is the section
of the crowd over here...
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27. that would've voted
for the fat Bono stamp. Yeah!
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28. Vote for it.
Exercise your right.
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29. All right. Edge, play the blues.
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30. Tonight, in the Zoo, we've got
some very funky cats.
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31. Our special guest tonight,
Mr. George Jefferson himself:
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32. Sherman Hemsley.
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33. So let's get down.
Let's get frisky.
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34. Let's get absolutely busy!
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35. Hey, how you doing?
I'm Ben Stiller.
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36. We're coming to you
from a steam room...
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37. I'll tell them why.
Because Fox is a hot network, man.
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38. - Watch, it'll make you lose weight.
- Fox is so hot, I can't breathe.
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39. - Hey, Janeane, how are you?
- Hi.
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40. We canceled the steam-room sketch,
so you thought you'd host from here?
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41. All right, let's go to our first piece.
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42. - Just grab a robe and go with it.
- I don't think so.
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43. - I love you.
- I love you too.
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44. I don't think so.
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45. It's time once again
for Otto, the Anti-Cupid.
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46. Growing up in the shadow
of his younger brother, Cupid...
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47. Otto, embittered and enraged,
dedicated his life...
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48. to forcing people to fall in love
with the wrong person.
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49. Benjamin Bradley, 28 years old.
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50. Likes sports, the theater,
being in the great outdoors...
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51. or inside by the fire,
reading a good book.
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52. Looks like a man
in search of love to me.
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53. There's a lovely one.
She's a beauty.
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54. Cupid's perfect match.
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55. Too bad I'm not Cupid...
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56. and I'm filled
with hatred and rage.
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57. All right, ladies, time for love.
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58. - Hi there.
- Hello, young man.
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59. No, I mean... Hi there.
I'm Benjamin.
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60. My name is
Gertrude Anderson.
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61. - You're beautiful.
- I'm 78 years old.
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62. The things you must know.
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63. I'm sorry?
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64. Teach me, Gert.
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65. - Take me to school.
- Young man!
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66. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Gert!
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67. I'm moving too fast.
I know. I can go slower.
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68. Really. I've done that too.
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69. Whatever your game is,
Gert, I'll play it.
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70. Police! Police! Help!
Help! Police!
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71. Oh, yeah.
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72. - Can I help you?
- Yes. Yes, you can.
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73. I'd like to see Gertrude, please.
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74. Oh, dear! That's the man
from the park.
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75. Make him go away!
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76. I don't know what kind of sick thrills
you get from this.
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77. This is a retirement home,
not a playground for perverts.
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78. She's expecting me!
You don't understand!
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79. What, didn't get enough attention
from your grandparents?
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80. Gertrude, please, just hear me out!
I love you!
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81. "I love you."
That is rich.
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82. I know we can make it work.
We just both have to want it.
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83. - I know you can hear me!
- That does it, buddy. You're out of here.
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84. - People like you make this world horrible.
- Don't worry. He'll find love again.
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85. - You have the bluest eyes.
- What?
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86. - Do you ski?
- Get out of here!
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87. I love my life.
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88. Next week on Otto, the Anti-
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89. Wait! Wait!
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90. I love you.
I really love you.
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91. I do. I don't care
what my friends say.
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92. Doomed souls wander the earth,
unfit for heaven or hell.
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93. And they're waiting to talk to you!
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94. It's Kreepee Board!
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95. Kreepee Board!
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96. Just lay your hands on the pointer
and let the spooks do the rest.
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97. I am in Todd!
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98. All right, gang,
cookie break.
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99. Creepy.
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100. No, no! My baby!
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101. Feel the cold hand of a loved one
on your neck with Kreepee.
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102. Some assembly required.
Manufacturers are not responsible...
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103. for the eternal damnation of souls.
Kreepee Board by Funnerz!
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104. Letterman's out of there. The guy
is defective. It's history. It's old news.
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105. You'll be stuck without a paddle,
saying, why couldn't I help you out?
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106. I'm telling you, Willie, Tyler
and Lester can host a show.
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107. One's a dummy, one's a ventriloquist,
but they can ask questions.
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108. This is great.
We'll sit with it. Okay, all right.
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109. Michael, I've been looking, as you know,
for an agent for a long time.
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110. I just wanna make sure that
I'm making the right decision, that's all.
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111. Get out of here. Go see every other agent,
then come back.
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112. - You know you're gonna come back.
- Well...
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113. I've always loved... I'm a kid.
I've always loved superheroes.
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114. I came up with this superhero
character...
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115. but my power would be
having an incredible sense of smell.
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116. Stop. No, really. Just wait a minute.
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117. Have you been coming in here,
sneaking through my papers?
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118. Or were you electrocuted and you
got psychic-something happening?
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119. I'm not kidding you, six days ago,
I wrote down, for no reason...
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120. not even knowing
I was going to meet you:
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121. Howie Mandel. Smell. Superhero.
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122. - You like the idea?
- Like it? Give me a taste. Come on.
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123. Well, I would:
And I would continue...
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124. And I'd pick up the:
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125. Find the crime.
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126. There... There's a...
A mastermind.
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127. A criminal...
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128. Smell the crime.
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129. He's gonna overtake the world.
I smell something.
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130. I smell... Like that.
It would be like that.
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131. Wow. Can I just say I smelled it
just then with you?
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132. I mean, I'm not kidding you.
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133. I don't know if this is a scary thing,
but it's scary and funny.
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134. I see it as St. Elsewhere meets
the Wonder Woman kind of...
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135. Great. You're my favorite client.
I haven't even signed you yet.
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136. - Well, I will sign.
- This is why I got in the business.
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137. So I could meet people like you.
Go, "We're gonna do that together."
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138. I'm excited. I'll call you
in the morning to get the papers.
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139. You know what I smell?
I smell something.
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140. I smell the beginning
of a long something.
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141. - This is gonna be great.
- Hey, Howie, stay healthy.
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142. That nose is
a gold mine now, right?
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143. Jennifer, Howie Mandel, he puts
the glove on this head, right?
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144. Or does he hit the fruit
with the hammer?
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145. Hey, welcome back.
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146. This might be a good opportunity to thank
our sponsors, the backbone of the show.
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147. We never get to tell them
how much we appreciate their support.
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148. We use all the products that we sell.
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149. For instance, my teeth are as white
as these tiles.
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150. - My toupee stays on even in water!
- My corns have all dissolved.
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151. The food is fast and delicious!
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152. Thanks. Remember, buy those products.
They're good, and they really do work.
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153. It's time once again for a 30-second
conspiracy theory.
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154. John F. Kennedy was assassinated for
one reason: Because he was obsessed...
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155. with the dream
of mass-producing an electric car.
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156. When the heads of the corporations
found out about his dream...
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157. they sent a Ione gunman to Dallas.
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158. He drove there without stopping for gas
once, because he was driving in...
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159. an electric car.
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160. With the death of John Kennedy,
so died the dreams of the electric car.
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161. But it was reborn in his son,
Robert Kennedy, and died again.
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162. And now the hopes and dreams
of the electric car...
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163. live on only in me.
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164. I will be assassinated
on July 5, 1994...
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165. by Lee Harvey Oswald III.
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166. He'll be driving an electric car.
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167. The manatee is a slow,
lumbering, docile creature...
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168. swimming majestically
in the filthy toilet man has created.
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169. We blow chunks into their home,
rape their environment.
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170. - We are committing genocide!
- Cut.
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171. He's fatigued from the expedition,
perhaps a little punch-drunk.
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172. Jacques, time is money.
Let's just do this again.
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173. Money? How much dollars
will it take to clean the ocean?
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174. - Let's do it again.
- Re-cuing.
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175. Monsieur Limon, please read the script
in your hands.
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176. Pierre...
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177. This is my 85th special.
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178. I know what I am doing.
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179. - He'll be fine.
- He better be.
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180. The manatee is a slow,
lumbering, docile creature...
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181. that roams the depths
of the sea...
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182. searching in vain
for a sweet lover.
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183. I need a woman. Kiss me.
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184. - Kiss me.
- Cut!
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185. I love you. Why do you taunt me
with your beauty?
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186. - Hey! Get off the glass!
- Your loins scream for me. Admit it.
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187. - Disgusting!
- Come on, guys!
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188. Monsieur, monsieur.
The producer, she grows impatient.
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189. Ah, Pierre.
Women, they get impatient.
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190. If they didn't,
they wouldn't be so beautiful.
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191. Here we go!
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192. The manatee is a slow,
lumbering, docile creature...
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193. that hurts no one.
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194. He spends his time swimming
in the ocean...
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195. until he is eventually killed.
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196. Look at me.
I am a helpless manatee!
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197. - Cut!
- But please don't kill me.
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198. I swim in the ocean,
and I love my life.
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199. I'm holding you personally responsible
for this!
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200. Please.
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201. Pierre, I'll get it.
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202. The manatee is a slow,
lumbering, docile creature...
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203. that roams the depths of the sea.
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204. There he is.
I call him François.
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205. Hello, François!
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206. - Cut!
- I loved you...
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207. But like everything I ever loved,
you died a slow, tragic death...
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208. at the blade of my own propeller.
I am your assassin!
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209. - Oh, no!
- That is it!
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210. - Pierre, where are you?
- Monsieur.
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211. I killed François!
It was all my fault!
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212. - It was not your fault.
- He came through the propeller!
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213. - And he was spinning!
- No, no.
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214. - And he said, "Go away!"
- We go home.
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215. - I am home! I am home, Pierre!
- I'll take you home.
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216. - Is there anything we can salvage?
- I can edit something together.
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217. The manatee is a slow,
lumbering, docile creature...
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218. that roams the sea
searching for food...
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219. and someone to love!
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220. All right, okay. We are back.
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221. A couple of announcements here.
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222. Tomorrow night, Mr. Lester Tuckerbee
will be here...
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223. from Tulsa, Oklahoma.
And he is 101 years old.
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224. He's gonna bring on some giant
vegetables he's grown in his garden.
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225. Apparently, he's bringing
on a 40-pound plantain.
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226. Adam, you should have some fun with
that one. Also, John Larroquette.
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227. We're here with Sherman Hemsley.
You were telling us a story. What was it?
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228. Yeah, right. So Isabel...
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229. You mean Wheezy?
George's wife, Wheezy.
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230. Right. Wheezy.
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231. I love the way you say that.
Wheezy. Yeah? Wheezy.
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232. She's giving me one of her looks,
you know?
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233. It's that stone-cold look when you
come home late from the dry cleaners.
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234. Right. And Marla...
Florence tells me:
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235. - "I'm not wiping it up, Mr. Jefferson."
- Now, she's a sassy lass.
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236. She can really cook up the bacon
and fry it up in a pan.
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237. Anyway, I bend down
to clean it up...
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238. but I slip and fall
face first into it, right? I get up...
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239. it's all over my face. I'm bleeding.
But I never miss a beat.
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240. The crowd goes crazy.
The cameras never stopped rolling.
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241. This man's a trouper, isn't he?
Give it up for Sherman Hemsley.
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242. I also understand you're writing
a cookbook. Is that so?
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243. - That's right.
- Why a cookbook for Sherman Hemsley?
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244. Because I love that down-home
Louisiana spicy cooking.
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245. I love the way you say that.
Wait a minute. Wheeziana!
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246. - Say it.
- Wheeziana!
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247. I love it. Wheeziana.
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248. Yeah, Wheezy.
I love Wheeziana.
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249. Check this out. Isn't this incredible?
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250. The man is Sherman Hemsley.
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251. The book is Cooking with Sherman
Hemsley. Yeah! Thank you.
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252. - Take a look at what's on Zoo TV.
- Why not?
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253. All right, here we go.
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254. George Jefferson,
what are you up to now?
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255. Live via the Zoo TV satellite
from Cairo, Egypt...
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256. it's Isabel "Wheezy" Sanford!
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257. Isabel, you look as beautiful as ever!
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258. Sherman, it's nice to see you
as cute and tiny as ever!
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259. Of course, I'm watching you
on a tiny, little monitor.
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260. The magic is still there, people.
Isn't it beautiful?
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261. We're seeing a magical reunion. That's
what it's about. People coming together.
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262. If we move together,
we can move it on up. Right?
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263. - That's right!
- Isn't that right, Wheezy?
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264. - Oh, yeah.
- Yeah.
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265. Sing it, Wheezy!
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266. Thank you!
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267. I'd like to thank my guests
Mr. Sherman "George Jefferson" Hemsley.
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268. Miss Isabel "Wheezy" Sanford!
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269. We're The Edge, Adam Clayton
and Larry Mullen Jr.
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270. My name is Bono. Remember, I'm not
a god, I just play one on television.
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271. We'll see you tomorrow night
on Zoo TV Late at Night. Thank you!
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272. Hello. My name is Leslie Chapman.
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273. I am an actor/dancer
here in Hollywood.
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274. You might recognize me.
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275. I did a very popular Michael Jackson
video a few years back.
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276. Anyhow, times have been tough,
with the economy and whatnot.
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277. So if you know anybody who needs
a good actor/dancer...
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278. give my agent, Mike Gorman, a call,
and we can set something up.
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279. Until then...
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280. Welcome back
to the steam room.
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281. Our producer thought
it would be funny to be in here.
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282. Why don't we get him in here to
breathe in the fake smoke that kills?
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283. - Look. It's our producer.
- Bad idea.
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284. You like what you're
putting us through?
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285. - That's the problem.
- Take off your sweater.
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286. Every joke I write doesn't work.
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287. - You tuned out 100,000 viewers.
- He's wearing a sweater.
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288. - So how's the salmon? Is it good?
- It's delicious.
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289. - You glad you ordered it?
- Yes, I am.
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290. I don't know what's wrong with this.
Is polenta supposed to be tangy?
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291. You're not getting a piece.
All I had today was soup. I'm famished.
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292. Did I ask you for any of your salmon?
Did I say I wanted any?
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293. - Like I don't know what you're up to.
- I don't want any of your salmon.
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294. But I'm not gonna eat the polenta.
It's not agreeing with me. No, no.
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295. - Have it. It's a nice piece of fish.
- I don't want it.
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296. - It's a nice piece of fish.
- I don't need it. Please.
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297. - Then stop pouting.
- If I was gonna pout, I'd be your son.
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298. - Like father like son, can I say that?
- That kid has no business sense.
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299. I recall you and your partner not having
much luck with the Nova business.
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300. I don't know what you're talking about.
That's ancient history.
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301. You want me to give Pishek a call?
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302. You're gonna bring up Pishek?
Pooey on Pishek, all right?
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303. Pishek's a no-good, lying S.O.B.
May he rot in hell, that bastard.
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304. - Now I can't eat. My digestion's upset.
- I can't eat either. I'm not gonna eat.
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305. You want me to eat with Pishek on
my mind? I thought we were past Pishek.
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