1. Have you ever been in charge
of 12 young boys?Copy !req
2. No, sir.Copy !req
3. Have you ever rubbed two sticks
together to make a fire?Copy !req
4. No, sir.Copy !req
5. Ever put your life
in another boy's hands?Copy !req
6. Have you ever asked another boy
to put his life in yours?Copy !req
7. No, sir.Copy !req
8. We follow orders, son.Copy !req
9. We follow orders,
or people's crafts turn out shoddy.Copy !req
10. It's that simple. Are we clear?Copy !req
11. - Yes, sir.
- Are we clear?Copy !req
12. - Yes, sir.
- Are we clear?Copy !req
13. Crystal.Copy !req
14. I think we've established
the clarity of it.Copy !req
15. All those having business here,
stand forward and you shall be heard.Copy !req
16. The facts are these:Copy !req
17. On September 6th, they entered
the bunk side of their troop mate.Copy !req
18. While he was sleeping, they placed
his hand into a glass of warm water.Copy !req
19. He then woke up.Copy !req
20. They proceeded to perpetrate
in giving a wedgie.Copy !req
21. Then suspended him
from a flagpole.Copy !req
22. They commenced to taunting him
and calling him "Skidmark Santiago."Copy !req
23. He then fainted, fell off the pole,
and skinned his knee.Copy !req
24. Listen up, glory boy.Copy !req
25. As troop den mother,
let me tell you...Copy !req
26. if you insist upon handling this case
in the fast-food...Copy !req
27. slick-ass manner
in which you handle everything...Copy !req
28. you'll wind up with one childproof,
egg-eating, three-legged...Copy !req
29. - No cold?
- No code.Copy !req
30. What...? What is he...?
Can you?Copy !req
31. He had no cold in a menorah?Copy !req
32. Wait. What are you telling me?
Scout Santiago's Jewish?Copy !req
33. That's...
I don't think so.Copy !req
34. Cholesterol-free, Rowan-and-Martin,
open-and-shut, Johnny-come-lately...Copy !req
35. brown, hot-and-sour...Copy !req
36. You want to investigate me?Copy !req
37. Roll the dice
and take your chances.Copy !req
38. I eat breakfast every day
with 12 angry fathers...Copy !req
39. who think I'm secretly
touching their sons.Copy !req
40. Don't think you'll come down here, flash
a merit badge, and make me nervous.Copy !req
41. Fat-inducing, liposucted,
Bruce-Willis-sneered...Copy !req
42. Hapsburg-chinned, thirst-quenching...Copy !req
43. We live in a world that has pup tents.Copy !req
44. Those tents are held together
with knots a scout learns:Copy !req
45. The square knot, the granny knot...Copy !req
46. the shank, the hitch, the half-hitch.Copy !req
47. Who's gonna tie those knots? You?Copy !req
48. Your scouts follow orders,
or people get wedgied!Copy !req
49. - You want answers?
- I think I'm entitled.Copy !req
50. - You want answers?
- I want the truth!Copy !req
51. You can't handle the truth.Copy !req
52. - You want the truth?
- I want the truth!Copy !req
53. - What do you want?
- Truth!Copy !req
54. - When do you want it?
- Now!Copy !req
55. Give me a T.Copy !req
56. Give me an R.Copy !req
57. Give me a U.Copy !req
58. Give me a T.Copy !req
59. Give me an H.Copy !req
60. - What's that spell?
- The truth!Copy !req
61. All right. You got it.Copy !req
62. That's great. Thanks.
No further questions.Copy !req
63. In the heart
of troop number A3-54...Copy !req
64. in a den mother's barracks...Copy !req
65. they're clearing a space on the mantle
for a special guest named Oscar.Copy !req
66. I think I...Copy !req
67. I think I got a pretty
good shot here.Copy !req
68. I mean, it's pretty intense stuff.
So yeah, it's...Copy !req
69. Welcome to the show.
I'm Ben Stiller.Copy !req
70. We're on the set of that
Few Good Men parody.Copy !req
71. We thought we'd give you a behind-
the-scenes look at how we do the show.Copy !req
72. It's really a wig I'm wearing.Copy !req
73. The cast is angry
they didn't do Jack Nicholson.Copy !req
74. I should have done it.
"Hold the sandwich between your legs."Copy !req
75. "I'm the guy from
Terms of Endearment."Copy !req
76. "Here's Johnny!"Copy !req
77. "I'll take a tuna fish sandwich
on rye bread. Hold the tuna."Copy !req
78. That's why we brought
someone else in to do it.Copy !req
79. I think you can understand why.
Why don't we just go to this?Copy !req
80. We're responding to a
disturbing-the-peace call.Copy !req
81. We get a couple
of these calls a night.Copy !req
82. Mostly local kids
all hopped-up on mead...Copy !req
83. playing chicken on a jousting field,
trying to impress some maiden.Copy !req
84. That ain't no jousting match!
Come on, Johnny!Copy !req
85. Over here, Johnny!Copy !req
86. Quickly! Merlin has turned
his wife into an ox!Copy !req
87. Don't worry, Felicia!Copy !req
88. I shall return thee to thy normal state.Copy !req
89. Drop the wand, Houdini!Copy !req
90. Drop the damn wand!
Do it!Copy !req
91. I will put a spell on all of you!Copy !req
92. - Put your hands behind your head!
- My wife!Copy !req
93. Shut up!Copy !req
94. Shut the f* * * up!Copy !req
95. Okay, okay, okay.Copy !req
96. In a situation like this,
we'll apprehend the suspect...Copy !req
97. then we'll impound the wand,
run a check on it.Copy !req
98. Usually it turns out it's hot.Copy !req
99. I had an argument with my wife...Copy !req
100. and I accidentally
turned her into an ox.Copy !req
101. Listen, I don't care.
You can't be making all this noise.Copy !req
102. - That's right.
- Felicia!Copy !req
103. My wife!
That is my wife.Copy !req
104. What did we just finish telling you?Copy !req
105. I...Copy !req
106. - Baby goes to sleep.
- Where is my elixir?Copy !req
107. We got a message about a domestic
disturbance two miles from here.Copy !req
108. - We'll go check it out.
- I'll go with you.Copy !req
109. - No, you stay put, wonder boy.
- Whose apples are these?Copy !req
110. Are these magic apples?Copy !req
111. - Will you look at this?
- Leave me alone!Copy !req
112. Leave me alone. I'm trying to pull
this sword from this stone!Copy !req
113. - Great! The cops are here.
- Shut up!Copy !req
114. Good work.Copy !req
115. You got 100 people here waiting
to pull the sword from the stone.Copy !req
116. You had your shot at this thing,
all right?Copy !req
117. Is this your kid?
Tell me something. Wait a minute.Copy !req
118. - That's your daddy, right?
- Yeah.Copy !req
119. Okay. Now, your daddy's
been drinking a little bit of mead?Copy !req
120. I have not been drinking.Copy !req
121. Don't tell me that.
I smell it all over your breath.Copy !req
122. It's my clothing.
I spilled something on it, sir.Copy !req
123. What's going on here?
Are you pulling the sword?Copy !req
124. Yes. I'm trying to pull the sword
from the stone.Copy !req
125. Oh, yeah?
Well, who's the lady here?Copy !req
126. This wench is my wife,
I'm very sorry to say.Copy !req
127. Is that any way to act in front
of your wife and kid? You're drunk.Copy !req
128. - She fills him full of lies.
- He's a terrible role model.Copy !req
129. She fills him full of lies.
What am I supposed to do?Copy !req
130. - Get up. Get up.
- I'm the king!Copy !req
131. No, wait. Go ahead.
Give it a shot.Copy !req
132. - There you go.
- Nothing happens.Copy !req
133. I got news, Mr. Universe.
It's not coming out, all right?Copy !req
134. Okay, okay. I just wanted
one chance! You know? I mean...Copy !req
135. I wanna pull the sword
from the stone.Copy !req
136. You can't even pull up
your own pants.Copy !req
137. Let him try.
You see what she does?Copy !req
138. You wanna pull this?
Go ahead.Copy !req
139. - She's on his back already.
- You pick up the pieces.Copy !req
140. All right. Give it a try.Copy !req
141. Behold Excalibur!Copy !req
142. - I loosened it for him. I was there.
- Shut up!Copy !req
143. I knew there was something special
about this boy!Copy !req
144. All right. That's it, everybody.
Show's over, okay?Copy !req
145. You got your king. Sword's been pulled
from the stone. Go home now.Copy !req
146. Everybody's got homes to go to.
That's it, all right?Copy !req
147. That's great.
I bust my hump 11 years.Copy !req
148. Some kid pulls a stick out of a rock,
becomes my boss.Copy !req
149. That's some cough you got.Copy !req
150. Got a touch of the plague
that's going around.Copy !req
151. You know what's good
for that? Leeches.Copy !req
152. Hurts like a mother,
but it works. Really.Copy !req
153. And now, Ben Stiller's Music News
with Tabitha Soren.Copy !req
154. Hello, I'm Tabitha Soren, and this is
a Stiller Music News special report.Copy !req
155. Controversy surrounds a trio of backup
singers who call themselves Vanilla Heat.Copy !req
156. In an unprecedented move...Copy !req
157. they are suing the entire
music industry for discrimination.Copy !req
158. We caught up to Heat
at their L.A. Home studio.Copy !req
159. They had this to say:Copy !req
160. I mean, we've been in L.A.
For eight...Copy !req
161. - Eight years.
- For...Copy !req
162. We've been in L.A. For eight years,
and we have yet to get job one.Copy !req
163. What's wrong
with this picture?Copy !req
164. When it comes
to backup singers...Copy !req
165. if you don't look a certain way,
an invisible wall goes up.Copy !req
166. Come on.
Four for nothing.Copy !req
167. Four, three, two.Copy !req
168. Nail that spin, Kim.
Nail that spin.Copy !req
169. The music industry is a hall of mirrors.Copy !req
170. For some reason,
we have not been invited in.Copy !req
171. The reason is plain and simple.Copy !req
172. If you're not a hot chick in spandex...Copy !req
173. who's willing to shake
your rump and flaunt it...Copy !req
174. forget it. You need not apply.Copy !req
175. We have currently over 700 legal suits...Copy !req
176. pending in Los Angeles
Municipal Court.Copy !req
177. Well, I don't know why they're suing me.Copy !req
178. I don't hire singers. That's not what I do.Copy !req
179. Kim is our legal counselor, if you will.Copy !req
180. Well, he's not, I mean...
He's not exactly...Copy !req
181. You're not a lawyer, right?
Let's put the cards on the table here.Copy !req
182. You're not a lawyer,
but you're acting in our behalf.Copy !req
183. I am not a lawyer, per se.Copy !req
184. However, I am very comfortable
in a court of law.Copy !req
185. And I am fluent in two languages:
English and legalese.Copy !req
186. I don't know. These guys wanted to
try out to be my background singers.Copy !req
187. I said, cool. I'm always
looking for good talent.Copy !req
188. And, you know, they just suck.Copy !req
189. We, as a group, have too much talent...Copy !req
190. to let this happen.Copy !req
191. I'm not gonna lay down
for the steamroller, okay?Copy !req
192. It's not gonna happen with me.Copy !req
193. Excuse me. We're here
for the backup singer auditions.Copy !req
194. - I don't think you have an appointment.
- It's happening again.Copy !req
195. All we need is five minutes
of your time, please.Copy !req
196. I think if we were dressed
in hot spandex outfits...Copy !req
197. and had earrings on and looked great,
we'd have no problem here.Copy !req
198. - You'd roll out the red carpet for us.
- Maybe we should've worn our dresses.Copy !req
199. Four for nothing.
One, two, three, four.Copy !req
200. Let's go.Copy !req
201. Come on! Come on!
Come on.Copy !req
202. I don't care. Blacklist me.
Cross my name off the list.Copy !req
203. Because it was never there
in the first place.Copy !req
204. Stay out!Copy !req
205. We're not religious people,
but we can't deny...Copy !req
206. that God gave us these voices.Copy !req
207. And sometimes when we're singing...Copy !req
208. I can feel him smiling down upon us.Copy !req
209. Yeah. Well, does he know
a good lawyer?Copy !req
210. I'm out of here.Copy !req
211. Tonight on American Profiles:Copy !req
212. BillyBob Hoyt, high-tech hillbilly.Copy !req
213. Buford, listen. Tell Sheriff O'Dell
that if we don't expand...Copy !req
214. there's not gonna be any
county line. All right?Copy !req
215. Great.Copy !req
216. Hold it. I'm gonna get you
20 cases by Tuesday.Copy !req
217. That's on the house.Copy !req
218. You know who you're
talking to here, right? Good.Copy !req
219. Sally Jo, get me the facts
on that McSorely feud.Copy !req
220. I need specifics. How many have been
killed, how many have been run off?Copy !req
221. And cancel my wrestling match
with Leland.Copy !req
222. Get some more houseflies in here.
I feel like I'm in the city.Copy !req
223. What we're doing at HillTech is trying...Copy !req
224. to preserve the hillbilly lifestyle
by making it profitable.Copy !req
225. And guess what?Copy !req
226. It's working.Copy !req
227. Great. Pointier. Can't be pointy
enough. Remember that.Copy !req
228. - What you got?
- Whittle-Quick.Copy !req
229. I want that in the catalog by Christmas.Copy !req
230. This is my eighth cousin
and number one idea man, Claude.Copy !req
231. What do you got today?Copy !req
232. This is something we've been working on
called the Pick-O-Matic 2000.Copy !req
233. Fully automatic, solar-powered
foot picker.Copy !req
234. Picks feet free of corn, wood slivers,
pebbles, what-have-you.Copy !req
235. While leaving your hands free
to shoo flies, smoke a pipe, whatever.Copy !req
236. People like to pick their own feet!Copy !req
237. This is the tip of the iceberg.Copy !req
238. Right now, we're developing
a blend of nonalcoholic moonshine.Copy !req
239. "All the kick and none of the sick."Copy !req
240. I don't cotton to it.Copy !req
241. We're negotiating with a big defense
firm about feud technology...Copy !req
242. or what we call
"interfamily squabbles."Copy !req
243. You can shoot at a Hatfield,
but don't be shooting at any Hoyts.Copy !req
244. How do I know they're a Hatfield?Copy !req
245. They're chicken-livered,
colicky-Iooking, yellow types.Copy !req
246. I think I smell one now, talking to Sis!Copy !req
247. - You get off our property!
- And stay off!Copy !req
248. I'm not alone. There's a new breed
of us young hicks on the move.Copy !req
249. Erasmus! Thank you, Elliot.Copy !req
250. Good to see you. Hi.Copy !req
251. Chad! Hey.Copy !req
252. Delbert!Copy !req
253. How's that greased-pig catcher coming?Copy !req
254. No, no. Don't worry.
We have a code here. Relax.Copy !req
255. Hey.Copy !req
256. Fellow hillbilly millionaires...Copy !req
257. all of us are related
by years of intermarriage...Copy !req
258. and by our respect
for innovation and enterprise.Copy !req
259. On behalf of the Young Hillbillies
Millionaires Club...Copy !req
260. I'd like to present
this year's Golden Jug Award...Copy !req
261. to BillyBob Hoyt.Copy !req
262. I'm a hillbilly.
I'm a businessman.Copy !req
263. But mostly I'm just a guy who
never understood the word "can't."Copy !req
264. And now a word about Grady's Oats.Copy !req
265. You talking to me?Copy !req
266. I don't see anybody else
around here.Copy !req
267. I guess that means
you're talking to me.Copy !req
268. Thirty-eight caliber snub-nose.Copy !req
269. Some people call it a
Saturday night special.Copy !req
270. See, certain things
never go out of style.Copy !req
271. Things like craftsmanship,
dedication to hard work.Copy !req
272. The good people at Gra...Copy !req
273. Those damn kids!Copy !req
274. That's it! That's it!Copy !req
275. Hey! What did I tell you
about playing ball back there?Copy !req
276. Get out of here, or I'll kill you!Copy !req
277. I'll kill you and your families!Copy !req
278. Grady's Oats Instant Oatmeal.Copy !req
279. It's an...
What did I tell you?Copy !req
280. You've been warned!Copy !req
281. Get up! I don't care if he's hurt!
Get him out of there!Copy !req
282. This is my lawn!Copy !req
283. Grady's Oats Instant Oatmeal.Copy !req
284. These are my flowers.Copy !req
285. They're beautiful flowers!Copy !req
286. They're beautiful colors!Copy !req
287. Yellow and purple...Copy !req
288. and you ruined them!Copy !req
289. You've ruined my flowers!Copy !req
290. - Is my wig?
- Your wig's fine. How's my tooth?Copy !req
291. Welcome back to the show.
Your tooth looks just fine, Janeane.Copy !req
292. We're excited because
we're on at 10:30 now.Copy !req
293. We can say words we couldn't say
when we were on earlier.Copy !req
294. We actually have a list of words
we can say at 10:30, or 9:30 Central...Copy !req
295. that we couldn't say at 7:30,
6:30 Central. Say them.Copy !req
296. "Crap" and "crappy."Copy !req
297. "Bitch"!Copy !req
298. "Doodie"!Copy !req
299. "Bastard."Copy !req
300. - All right. That's enough.
- More.Copy !req
301. - "Pee-pee."
- "Period."Copy !req
302. - "Ca-ca."
- This wasn't a good idea.Copy !req
303. - "Breasts."
- Okay.Copy !req
304. - "Ass."
- Why don't we just go to this?Copy !req
305. "Whore."Copy !req
306. Hey, trainee. Sure is busy
on your first night, huh?Copy !req
307. The guy at table 14 keeps changing
his side-dish order.Copy !req
308. That's because they all taste so good.
It's hard to pick just one.Copy !req
309. - This is the best job, isn't it?
- Yeah, I guess.Copy !req
310. My boyfriend didn't want me to work here.Copy !req
311. He thinks fake-theme
restaurants are corny.Copy !req
312. It isn't a fake theme.Copy !req
313. What's all the chitchatting back here?Copy !req
314. We got some appetizer specials
to push, right?Copy !req
315. - You want to be part of the team?
- Yes.Copy !req
316. Why don't you sell table 9 another
order of deep-fried Pooterballs, okay?Copy !req
317. - I'll try.
- Remember our motto:Copy !req
318. "Customers are always hungrier
than they think they are."Copy !req
319. - So get out there and sell them.
- Okay.Copy !req
320. Hi, and welcome
to T.J. O'Pootertoot's...Copy !req
321. where you're sure to have the
rootenist, tootenist, pootenist good meal.Copy !req
322. I'm Faith, and I'll be your food gal.Copy !req
323. Tonight's drink specials include
Sex in a Hamper, with or without milk...Copy !req
324. and pudding shots. Our dinner
specials include the Angry Mexi...Copy !req
325. I don't need to hear them. I want
two orders of deep-fried curly ribs...Copy !req
326. a Miserable Whore
without salt around the rim for me...Copy !req
327. and a Giggling Scoundrel
for the lady...Copy !req
328. and a side of the
atomic liver crisps.Copy !req
329. - Like some Pooterballs with that?
- What kind of meat is in that?Copy !req
330. Pooter meat.
With a taste that's oddly familiar.Copy !req
331. No, thanks.Copy !req
332. - How about Colorado bean strips?
- I just told you what I wanted!Copy !req
333. With an order of Alaskan minibites...Copy !req
334. you're entitled to a free hour
of karaoke...Copy !req
335. We don't want any "mini" things.
We just want what we ordered, okay?Copy !req
336. - Honey...!
- I'm hungry.Copy !req
337. Wow, I just sold two more orders
of Red-Hot Rancheroos.Copy !req
338. That's 25 more Pooter points for me.Copy !req
339. You kill yourself for Pooter points,
all you get is T.J.'s moustache wax.Copy !req
340. I know you didn't mean that.Copy !req
341. Be careful!
If somebody overhears you...Copy !req
342. we could both get shipped off
to Pootertoot's Spirit Camp.Copy !req
343. - Hey, there, soldier. How's it going?
- Good.Copy !req
344. There's nothing like that feeling
of knowing you're part of a team.Copy !req
345. That feeling deep down inside...Copy !req
346. knowing you're one insignificant part
of a much greater plan.Copy !req
347. And that plan is T.J. O'Pootertoot's.Copy !req
348. Let's have an Alley Rally.Copy !req
349. I can't right now.
I have an order coming up.Copy !req
350. We're having an Alley Rally.Copy !req
351. Come on!
We're having an Alley Rally.Copy !req
352. Who's the best, east or west?Copy !req
353. T.J. O'Pootertoot's!Copy !req
354. Where does the guest
rest with zest?Copy !req
355. T.J. O'Pootertoot's!Copy !req
356. Who always passes
the bunk food test?Copy !req
357. T.J. O'Pootertoot's!Copy !req
358. - Hey!
- T.J. Loves you.Copy !req
359. - What are you doing?
- You must join us. T.J. Commands it.Copy !req
360. Faith!Copy !req
361. Faith!Copy !req
362. David!Copy !req
363. No!Copy !req
364. No!Copy !req
365. David!Copy !req
366. - Keep back. He has the book of Pooter.
- Stay back. I'll trim you all!Copy !req
367. - What is going on?
- I was right. It's all in here.Copy !req
368. O'Pootertoot was a member
of the Donner Party.Copy !req
369. The pioneers who were
snowed in and...Copy !req
370. Ate each other. Right.Copy !req
371. One of the survivors, a young man
named T.J. O'Pootertoot...Copy !req
372. decided that human flesh
made the ultimate fun food.Copy !req
373. He's right!
It's fun-a-licious!Copy !req
374. - What are you saying?
- It's people!Copy !req
375. Pooterballs are made out of people.Copy !req
376. - No!
- He's weak. Come with us.Copy !req
377. - You'll snack forever.
- No.Copy !req
378. T.J. Is the way!Copy !req
379. - Have a Pooterball.
- No!Copy !req
380. Faith!Copy !req
381. Snack on this!Copy !req
382. Come on.Copy !req
383. Wait! We should tell them.Copy !req
384. No. Don't look into their eyes!Copy !req
385. Come on.Copy !req
386. What are we gonna do?
We need a female to re-populate with.Copy !req
387. T.J. Must have a male heir.
It is written!Copy !req
388. Do not worry, young Dwayne.
We will find another.Copy !req
389. Hi. I'd like to apply for a job.Copy !req
390. Yes. Right this way.Copy !req
391. That's it for the show.
Hope you had a good time.Copy !req
392. I want to thank my cast,
who all did a great job this week.Copy !req
393. Especially Janeane.Copy !req
394. It's not easy being the only female
member of a practically all-male cast.Copy !req
395. - You're really holding your own.
- You are.Copy !req
396. Thanks. You guys have always been
very respectful, and I appreciate it.Copy !req
397. - You are welcome.
- Well, that's it.Copy !req
398. - Good night.
- Cut!Copy !req
399. - Good night. Cut.
- Great.Copy !req
400. - I'm gonna be in my dressing room.
- All right, Andy!Copy !req
401. - Shake it! Shake it, baby!
- Looking good!Copy !req
402. Take it off, Mama!
He is hot tonight!Copy !req
403. Stop harassing me, once and for all!Copy !req
404. - You're beautiful when you're angry.
- Yes!Copy !req
405. Can't take the heat,
get out of the kitchen.Copy !req
406. - That is a fine piece of meat.
- Yeah!Copy !req
407. As a side business,
we write a lot of commercial jingles.Copy !req
408. It's not art, but it pays the bills.Copy !req
409. Well, if we ever sold one,
it might pay some bills.Copy !req