1. Hi. I'm Ben Stiller.
Welcome to the show.
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2. I guess you're wondering who I am
and what the show's about.
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3. I don't know. I've never
had a show before. It's my first time.
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4. It's a comedy thing. We do lots
of little funny films. Hopefully funny.
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5. We got to start it up. Anybody have
any ideas on how to start the show?
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6. - Anybody have anything that...?
- I don't...
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7. This is Bruce, one of the writers.
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8. It's not an idea so much as a concept.
A writer comes up to you at the beginning.
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9. There's an exchange,
and something funny happens.
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10. I can work this out.
I don't have the exact beats.
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11. Like what you're doing
right now with me.
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12. - Sort of a humorous variation.
- I'd work on it more.
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13. - If you think there's something there...
- Okay. Go back and work on it some more.
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14. See, look at that. We just started out,
already something almost funny happened.
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15. Anybody else?
Any ideas on how to start?
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16. It's Ben Stiller's Rockumentary:
U2, The Early Years.
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17. It was difficult when we were starting out.
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18. We had this horrible old manager who didn't
understand what our music was about.
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19. I loved those boys
like they were my own sons.
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20. They came to me, you know. Oh, yeah.
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21. Mr. Kinkaid used to drive us about in this
ramshackled, old, multicolored school bus.
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22. Taking us from gig to gig.
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23. Screaming about how we were gonna
make it big in show business.
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24. Yeah, I was full
of ideas back then.
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25. He wanted to get a little girl to play
tambourine with us, but we nixed that one.
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26. With Bono, it was always
about "the message."
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27. So I gave him a message.
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28. If Joel Wasserstein doesn't have fun
at his bar mitzvah...
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29. you're not getting paid. Comprende?
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30. Thank you.
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31. Well, I hope you're all having
a good time here at Joel's bar mitzvah.
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32. We're all real proud of him.
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33. Look at him,
the very vision of manhood.
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34. How about Leo Krumpnik, who made
that great gefilte fish sculpture, huh?
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35. Everybody taste
the gefilte fish sculpture. It's great.
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36. Okay, Joel, get up here.
Come on up here, Joel.
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37. I hope everybody's ready to dance
the hora and the hokey-pokey.
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38. I don't wanna see anybody sitting.
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39. Let's give him a hand. Joel.
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40. Yeah, today Joel is a man.
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41. Okay, Edge, play the blues!
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42. Thank you, Joel!
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43. I'll tell you something else.
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44. I'm sick and tired of what's going on
in Northern Ireland.
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45. Okay, so it wasn't Carnegie Hall.
You gotta start somewhere.
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46. Welcome back. I think we're going
all right. Things are moving along well.
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47. Bruce, the head writer.
What did you think of the last piece?
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48. - Well, you know. You know.
- What?
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49. Who's to say what's funny?
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50. A little... Maybe too much music
for my taste, but, you know.
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51. Personally, I like it
when we do movie stuff better.
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52. Movie stuff? Okay, all right.
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53. Okay. All right. Well, we'll go to some
of the movie stuff then.
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54. It worked. You know,
parts were great. I liked it.
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55. - He used to write on Donny and Marie.
- But I was very unhappy there.
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56. Sam Bowden and his family
have just come to New Essex...
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57. and so has his past.
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58. I'm scared.
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59. What's your connection with this guy?
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60. Who is he?
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61. I hardly even remember him.
It was 20 years ago.
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62. - What about your books?
- Already read them.
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63. Eddie Munster...
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64. in Cape Munster.
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65. - What's he got on you?
- I was working for the network.
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66. He blames me
for canceling The Munsters.
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67. Come out, come out,
wherever you are!
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68. This guy threatened you?
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69. Yeah, but he's clever,
so the law can't touch him.
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70. I'm just saying I found your pet's collar.
I'm not saying I did anything.
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71. If this is about work,
I can get you an audition.
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72. Audition?
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73. Audition?
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74. No, I don't think you really, really
understand what we're talking about here.
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75. I don't know whether to look at him
or go trick-or-treating.
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76. You canceled my show!
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77. We got this freaking psychopath tearing up
our family, and I don't know what to do!
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78. My parents just don't understand...
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79. and they're just, like,
fighting all the time. And...
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80. I know, I know. My daddy was a 10-foot
Frankenstein freak with bolts in his neck.
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81. Listen to this.
It'll make you feel better.
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82. Up your nose with a rubber hose!
Barbarino!
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83. You're not the drama teacher, are you?
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84. There will never be any connection
between you and Eddie Munster!
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85. Maybe I'm a big, bad wolf-boy.
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86. Schlemiel! Schlemazel!
Hassenpfeffer, incorporated!
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87. You mind if I put my arm around you?
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88. We're going to do it my way, counselor!
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89. No, I don't mind.
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90. Make all my dreams come true!
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91. Cape Munster.
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92. Coming soon to a theater near you.
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93. This is Suzy's, where we get
our lunch sometimes.
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94. - That's Andy Dick, who's a cast member.
- I need extra sauerkraut.
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95. - Andy, say hello.
- Hello.
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96. It's time for video diary,
which is basically my video diary.
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97. It's kind of like this captain's log
I've kept of my life.
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98. It's real excerpts from moments
that I've cherished.
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99. And tonight I think
we're gonna show my prom night.
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100. My senior prom, a great night for me.
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101. - What?
- It's not the prom night.
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102. Yeah, no, it is.
We're gonna show the prom.
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103. No, I don't think it's the prom night.
I know it's not.
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104. - What are we showing? Anybody know?
- I don't know, but it's not the prom night.
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105. Well, there's certain pieces
we shouldn't show. So I'd just...
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106. Video diary: May 11, 1991.
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107. I feel good. It's been eight days
since she moved out...
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108. and I don't miss her anymore.
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109. I'm realizing this is an opportunity
to be with myself.
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110. I ate today, which is really good.
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111. I just think that...
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112. - Hi.
- Ben.
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113. I didn't think you'd be here.
I'll come back another time.
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114. No, no. It's good to see you.
Look, I miss you a lot.
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115. - I feel like I screwed up. I feel like...
- This is him?
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116. He's small. Low center of gravity.
He's probably quick and scrappy, though.
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117. - Who is this?
- Harry, my self-defense instructor.
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118. - He came by to help me move.
- I can't believe you're seeing somebody.
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119. - What are you doing?
- Nothing. And neither are you.
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120. It's all right. Step back, Ben.
He does this for a living.
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121. Does what for a living?
What, stand on one foot? I don't get it.
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122. He's everything you said he was,
a little bug that gets up inside your head.
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123. Come on, a little Kumite?
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124. Who is this psycho? What have
you been telling him about us?
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125. He helped me through
a very rough time.
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126. - He helped you through a rough time?
- Cut the cord, pal.
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127. - You're poisoning her energy.
- You broke up with me!
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128. He helped you?
Where's the rough time for you, huh?
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129. - Would you get out of here?
- You created this, pal.
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130. - Why don't you just leave.
- This is your storm.
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131. Just leave...
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132. How could you show that?
What is that?
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133. I'm sorry, man.
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134. - No. That was the wrong piece.
- That should not have been shown.
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135. - There's a whole other part of that...
- No, it should not have been shown.
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136. There's a whole other part
of that tape you didn't see...
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137. where I kick the guy out,
and there was...
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138. I don't understand why that one...
Can we just go to commercial, please?
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139. Wilson garden hose.
Available at The Home Shop.
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140. And now, back to Ben Stiller's
U2, The Early Years.
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141. Let me tell you something about Bono.
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142. The kid never stopped trying
to make a buck.
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143. Worse than Danny Partridge.
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144. He was very materialistically oriented,
and that's not what U2 is about.
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145. We're not about the glitz
and the glamour...
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146. the money and the fame
and the power...
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147. and the touring and the money.
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148. Well, maybe we are
about that a little bit, but...
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149. Well, I guess that is what we are about.
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150. He should have named that group
"Me 2," not "U2." It's all about him.
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151. You people want me to be a god,
and then you look at me and you say...
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152. I can't be a god,
so I'm telling you to buzz off...
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153. because I don't even know
what a god is.
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154. I just pull my pants down and go
to the bathroom like anybody else...
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155. but if 50,000 people wanna watch,
then hell, I'll do it for them.
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156. When all else fails,
there's always product endorsements.
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157. Lucky Clovers cereal, an important part
of this well-balanced breakfast.
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158. Now with a fun new surprise
in each specially marked package.
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159. It was a great idea,
but nobody ever saw it.
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160. Well, after that, I quit the business.
Who needs U2?
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161. Let me tell you something.
"I Think I Love You"...
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162. sold more copies than "Let It Be."
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163. After that, everything else is gravy.
You're darn right.
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164. We're here with Janeane Garofalo.
She's a regular cast member.
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165. So how did you get the job on the show?
You have a crazy Hollywood agent?
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166. No, I just auditioned.
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167. Right, but you must have one
of those slimy Hollywood agents.
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168. No, he's really nice. He's got kind
of a Midwestern sensibility, corn-fed guy.
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169. But there are a lot of those slick guys
who are full of it.
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170. Those agents who are just coming up
with crazy ideas all the time, right?
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171. Are you trying to lead
into some kind of crazy...
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172. Hollywood agent-type sketch
or something?
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173. No.
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174. Yeah, I'll be here all day. Okay.
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175. So where were we? Oh, yeah, okay.
Show's number one again.
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176. May I?
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177. Michael, we need to have a serious talk
about our career direction.
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178. - Quit.
- Quit what?
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179. Quit the show. Don't wait till you're down
with Seinfeld in the middle of the pack.
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180. Do it now. You're on top. You can
do anything. Let's go 180 on them.
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181. - That's ridiculous.
- Of course. That's what I'm saying.
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182. I'm so glad we're finally
having this conversation.
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183. You guys are too good for comedy.
Let's do a disease, all right?
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184. Tom, you get sick.
Rosie, you come and take care of him.
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185. Rosie, you get sick. Tom takes care of you.
You die, you fall in love, whatever.
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186. You're the creative ones. Figure it out.
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187. We're beginning to feel like
you're not the right agent for us.
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188. What, this is a bit, right? Doing a thing?
I love it. Keep going. Come on.
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189. - You haven't done crap for us.
- All right, where's the punch?
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190. Come on, Rosie. What do you want?
You're number one. Where else can we go?
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191. The show was number one
when we hired you.
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192. This weight-loss thing
is playing with your heads.
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193. Is this the Slim Shake talking?
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194. If it is, let's get a cheeseburger, fries,
fried chicken, and eat it...
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195. because nothing is worth this.
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196. Let's face it. The diet is killing
your careers. Fat is funny.
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197. Go back in time. Greeks, Romans, in the tub,
rub-a-dub-lub, three men having fun.
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198. What about all the promises you made?
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199. You said you were gonna get me
in Dracula and Batman Returns.
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200. Hang on. Yeah?
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201. I got Ice Cube's record company.
Hang on.
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202. Yo, yo, yo. What's up, G?
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203. Chill. No, it's whack.
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204. Yeah, I'll be here till 5,
then I got an Empty Nest taping. Okay.
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205. So where were we?
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206. Nice to see them
in such a good mood for a change.
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207. Can I just say?
Up and then down. And then here...
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208. - I just want to talk to you about...
- Want to do Hot Country Nights?
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209. - No, I don't want to do Hot Country Nights.
- They can't afford you.
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210. I want to do the disease movie
like we talked about.
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211. What disease? You do the wrong disease,
it doesn't help anybody.
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212. What if I just do an obsession,
not a disease?
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213. A guy who can't stop washing
his hands. No one's done that.
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214. I could do that. Look.
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215. Oh, my hands are dirty.
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216. Oh, I'm a dirty boy. I'm a dirty boy.
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217. More water. Towels. Towels.
More water. Soap.
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218. - I can't even go out. Huh?
- Don't do any more, because it's too good.
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219. - I'll make the call.
- Thank you. You got a Prozac?
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220. - This is Bob Odenkirk. He's on the show.
- Hi.
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221. We've been walking around the set.
It's a historic place.
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222. This lot's had a lot of great shows on it.
This is Stage 3, the Hit Factory.
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223. They had a lot of hit shows in there
like George Burns, and I Love Lucy.
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224. - Really? I Love Lucy was there?
- Yeah, absolutely. And on the left is Stage 7.
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225. That's called The Sandbox
because they do game shows there.
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226. - They do Jeopardy! in there now.
- Really? Alex Trebek is probably right inside.
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227. - He's probably in there.
- Yeah.
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228. So Stage 2, where we shoot our show,
what's that called?
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229. That's The Morgue. That's where
they shot the Dennis Miller Show...
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230. Fish Police, and Cop Rock. A lot of shows.
I'm gonna go over there now.
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231. The morgue? That's probably...
Is that like a funny term? Is that...?
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232. He's performed for presidents,
heads of state.
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233. He loves to make people laugh
almost as much as he loves his freedom.
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234. The Last Stand of Yakov Smirnoff.
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235. Thank you. You know,
since Soviet Union broke up...
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236. people say I have nothing
to joke about.
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237. Well, I say there's always Albania.
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238. The Iron Curtain's lifted,
and Yakov's on his own.
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239. In former Soviet Union,
used to be pretty bad. We had no freedom.
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240. Now we have freedom.
Pretty crazy, huh?
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241. What a sovereignty
of independent states. I love it!
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242. The Soviet Union's gone,
but Yakov is as funny as ever.
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243. Oh, a defector.
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244. Yeah, things are pretty bad
in China now, you know.
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245. Which was like the former
Soviet Union used to be. Communist.
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246. Did I ever tell you I'm part Chinese
on my mother's side?
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247. Whenever I go
to visit relatives in China...
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248. we eat, and then an hour later,
we want freedom.
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249. I have relatives in former Soviet Union
who I could not visit.
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250. Now I can visit them.
What a union of democratic republics.
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251. What an incredible sovereignty of states.
What a confederacy of independent nations.
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252. What a crazy independent nation
of union of socialist republics...
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253. that are together in a federation
of craziness that is all free.
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254. I love this country!
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255. You stink!
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256. I want to go back
to Soviet Union the way it was...
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257. when we were all oppressed, and I'd...
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258. - Get off the stage!
- Why don't you get off stage?
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259. I can be funny
even if Soviet Union is no more.
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260. I just want freedom to go away.
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261. I am cold.
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262. I am frightened.
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263. What will the new world order
bring for Yakov?
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264. It's The Last Stand of Yakov Smirnoff.
Coming this fall.
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265. The hoe by Wilson.
Available at The Home Shop.
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266. That's it. That's the first show.
We had a good time.
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267. I hope you did too.
We'll see you next week.
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268. I know it's almost over.
I think in the future...
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269. - we gotta start thinking catch phrases.
- Catch phrases?
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270. Absolutely. You know, like,
"What the, what the hey!"
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271. - Or "Look out below!"
- "What the, what the hey"?
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272. - All right, why don't you...
- Or "Oh, my gosh!"
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273. You know, this sort of thing:
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274. - Catch phrases. We'll put them on T-shirts.
- See you next week.
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275. - Think about it. Is he listening?
- I'm getting out of here.
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276. Who's ever driving the red Le Sabre,
if you could please move it.
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277. Aunt Sadie's trying to get out.
You're blocking her. She has to get to her...
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278. To her urologist appointment.
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279. Kiss my grits!
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280. Flo! Alice!
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281. It's all about lateral motion now.
"I'm over here. Wait, I went over here.
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282. I doubled back here."
"I thought you were here."
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283. "I want to stay in the same place."
That's what it's about.
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284. Mr. Grant!
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285. Mary Tyler Moore...
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286. Don't worry, he can't see you.
It's a one-way mirror.
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287. - Cut!
- Why were you laughing?
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