The Ben Stiller Show: Season 1, Episode 1

Directed by Ben Stiller • John Fortenberry

The cast introduces several comedy sketches.Sketches include: U2,The Early Years Cape Munster Ben's Video Diary What is Sexy? U2,The Early years,Part 2 Michael Pheret,Agent Last Stand of Yakov Smirnoff What is Sexy?

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Subtitle languages: English • Spanish • Brazilian Portuguese

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1. Hi. I'm Ben Stiller. Welcome to the show.

2. I guess you're wondering who I am and what the show's about.

3. I don't know. I've never had a show before. It's my first time.

4. It's a comedy thing. We do lots of little funny films. Hopefully funny.

5. We got to start it up. Anybody have any ideas on how to start the show?

6. - Anybody have anything that...? - I don't...

7. This is Bruce, one of the writers.

8. It's not an idea so much as a concept. A writer comes up to you at the beginning.

9. There's an exchange, and something funny happens.

10. I can work this out. I don't have the exact beats.

11. Like what you're doing right now with me.

12. - Sort of a humorous variation. - I'd work on it more.

13. - If you think there's something there... - Okay. Go back and work on it some more.

14. See, look at that. We just started out, already something almost funny happened.

15. Anybody else? Any ideas on how to start?

16. It's Ben Stiller's Rockumentary: U2, The Early Years.

17. It was difficult when we were starting out.

18. We had this horrible old manager who didn't understand what our music was about.

19. I loved those boys like they were my own sons.

20. They came to me, you know. Oh, yeah.

21. Mr. Kinkaid used to drive us about in this ramshackled, old, multicolored school bus.

22. Taking us from gig to gig.

23. Screaming about how we were gonna make it big in show business.

24. Yeah, I was full of ideas back then.

25. He wanted to get a little girl to play tambourine with us, but we nixed that one.

26. With Bono, it was always about "the message."

27. So I gave him a message.

28. If Joel Wasserstein doesn't have fun at his bar mitzvah...

29. you're not getting paid. Comprende?

30. Thank you.

31. Well, I hope you're all having a good time here at Joel's bar mitzvah.

32. We're all real proud of him.

33. Look at him, the very vision of manhood.

34. How about Leo Krumpnik, who made that great gefilte fish sculpture, huh?

35. Everybody taste the gefilte fish sculpture. It's great.

36. Okay, Joel, get up here. Come on up here, Joel.

37. I hope everybody's ready to dance the hora and the hokey-pokey.

38. I don't wanna see anybody sitting.

39. Let's give him a hand. Joel.

40. Yeah, today Joel is a man.

41. Okay, Edge, play the blues!

42. Thank you, Joel!

43. I'll tell you something else.

44. I'm sick and tired of what's going on in Northern Ireland.

45. Okay, so it wasn't Carnegie Hall. You gotta start somewhere.

46. Welcome back. I think we're going all right. Things are moving along well.

47. Bruce, the head writer. What did you think of the last piece?

48. - Well, you know. You know. - What?

49. Who's to say what's funny?

50. A little... Maybe too much music for my taste, but, you know.

51. Personally, I like it when we do movie stuff better.

52. Movie stuff? Okay, all right.

53. Okay. All right. Well, we'll go to some of the movie stuff then.

54. It worked. You know, parts were great. I liked it.

55. - He used to write on Donny and Marie. - But I was very unhappy there.

56. Sam Bowden and his family have just come to New Essex...

57. and so has his past.

58. I'm scared.

59. What's your connection with this guy?

60. Who is he?

61. I hardly even remember him. It was 20 years ago.

62. - What about your books? - Already read them.

63. Eddie Munster...

64. in Cape Munster.

65. - What's he got on you? - I was working for the network.

66. He blames me for canceling The Munsters.

67. Come out, come out, wherever you are!

68. This guy threatened you?

69. Yeah, but he's clever, so the law can't touch him.

70. I'm just saying I found your pet's collar. I'm not saying I did anything.

71. If this is about work, I can get you an audition.

72. Audition?

73. Audition?

74. No, I don't think you really, really understand what we're talking about here.

75. I don't know whether to look at him or go trick-or-treating.

76. You canceled my show!

77. We got this freaking psychopath tearing up our family, and I don't know what to do!

78. My parents just don't understand...

79. and they're just, like, fighting all the time. And...

80. I know, I know. My daddy was a 10-foot Frankenstein freak with bolts in his neck.

81. Listen to this. It'll make you feel better.

82. Up your nose with a rubber hose! Barbarino!

83. You're not the drama teacher, are you?

84. There will never be any connection between you and Eddie Munster!

85. Maybe I'm a big, bad wolf-boy.

86. Schlemiel! Schlemazel! Hassenpfeffer, incorporated!

87. You mind if I put my arm around you?

88. We're going to do it my way, counselor!

89. No, I don't mind.

90. Make all my dreams come true!

91. Cape Munster.

92. Coming soon to a theater near you.

93. This is Suzy's, where we get our lunch sometimes.

94. - That's Andy Dick, who's a cast member. - I need extra sauerkraut.

95. - Andy, say hello. - Hello.

96. It's time for video diary, which is basically my video diary.

97. It's kind of like this captain's log I've kept of my life.

98. It's real excerpts from moments that I've cherished.

99. And tonight I think we're gonna show my prom night.

100. My senior prom, a great night for me.

101. - What? - It's not the prom night.

102. Yeah, no, it is. We're gonna show the prom.

103. No, I don't think it's the prom night. I know it's not.

104. - What are we showing? Anybody know? - I don't know, but it's not the prom night.

105. Well, there's certain pieces we shouldn't show. So I'd just...

106. Video diary: May 11, 1991.

107. I feel good. It's been eight days since she moved out...

108. and I don't miss her anymore.

109. I'm realizing this is an opportunity to be with myself.

110. I ate today, which is really good.

111. I just think that...

112. - Hi. - Ben.

113. I didn't think you'd be here. I'll come back another time.

114. No, no. It's good to see you. Look, I miss you a lot.

115. - I feel like I screwed up. I feel like... - This is him?

116. He's small. Low center of gravity. He's probably quick and scrappy, though.

117. - Who is this? - Harry, my self-defense instructor.

118. - He came by to help me move. - I can't believe you're seeing somebody.

119. - What are you doing? - Nothing. And neither are you.

120. It's all right. Step back, Ben. He does this for a living.

121. Does what for a living? What, stand on one foot? I don't get it.

122. He's everything you said he was, a little bug that gets up inside your head.

123. Come on, a little Kumite?

124. Who is this psycho? What have you been telling him about us?

125. He helped me through a very rough time.

126. - He helped you through a rough time? - Cut the cord, pal.

127. - You're poisoning her energy. - You broke up with me!

128. He helped you? Where's the rough time for you, huh?

129. - Would you get out of here? - You created this, pal.

130. - Why don't you just leave. - This is your storm.

131. Just leave...

132. How could you show that? What is that?

133. I'm sorry, man.

134. - No. That was the wrong piece. - That should not have been shown.

135. - There's a whole other part of that... - No, it should not have been shown.

136. There's a whole other part of that tape you didn't see...

137. where I kick the guy out, and there was...

138. I don't understand why that one... Can we just go to commercial, please?

139. Wilson garden hose. Available at The Home Shop.

140. And now, back to Ben Stiller's U2, The Early Years.

141. Let me tell you something about Bono.

142. The kid never stopped trying to make a buck.

143. Worse than Danny Partridge.

144. He was very materialistically oriented, and that's not what U2 is about.

145. We're not about the glitz and the glamour...

146. the money and the fame and the power...

147. and the touring and the money.

148. Well, maybe we are about that a little bit, but...

149. Well, I guess that is what we are about.

150. He should have named that group "Me 2," not "U2." It's all about him.

151. You people want me to be a god, and then you look at me and you say...

152. I can't be a god, so I'm telling you to buzz off...

153. because I don't even know what a god is.

154. I just pull my pants down and go to the bathroom like anybody else...

155. but if 50,000 people wanna watch, then hell, I'll do it for them.

156. When all else fails, there's always product endorsements.

157. Lucky Clovers cereal, an important part of this well-balanced breakfast.

158. Now with a fun new surprise in each specially marked package.

159. It was a great idea, but nobody ever saw it.

160. Well, after that, I quit the business. Who needs U2?

161. Let me tell you something. "I Think I Love You"...

162. sold more copies than "Let It Be."

163. After that, everything else is gravy. You're darn right.

164. We're here with Janeane Garofalo. She's a regular cast member.

165. So how did you get the job on the show? You have a crazy Hollywood agent?

166. No, I just auditioned.

167. Right, but you must have one of those slimy Hollywood agents.

168. No, he's really nice. He's got kind of a Midwestern sensibility, corn-fed guy.

169. But there are a lot of those slick guys who are full of it.

170. Those agents who are just coming up with crazy ideas all the time, right?

171. Are you trying to lead into some kind of crazy...

172. Hollywood agent-type sketch or something?

173. No.

174. Yeah, I'll be here all day. Okay.

175. So where were we? Oh, yeah, okay. Show's number one again.

176. May I?

177. Michael, we need to have a serious talk about our career direction.

178. - Quit. - Quit what?

179. Quit the show. Don't wait till you're down with Seinfeld in the middle of the pack.

180. Do it now. You're on top. You can do anything. Let's go 180 on them.

181. - That's ridiculous. - Of course. That's what I'm saying.

182. I'm so glad we're finally having this conversation.

183. You guys are too good for comedy. Let's do a disease, all right?

184. Tom, you get sick. Rosie, you come and take care of him.

185. Rosie, you get sick. Tom takes care of you. You die, you fall in love, whatever.

186. You're the creative ones. Figure it out.

187. We're beginning to feel like you're not the right agent for us.

188. What, this is a bit, right? Doing a thing? I love it. Keep going. Come on.

189. - You haven't done crap for us. - All right, where's the punch?

190. Come on, Rosie. What do you want? You're number one. Where else can we go?

191. The show was number one when we hired you.

192. This weight-loss thing is playing with your heads.

193. Is this the Slim Shake talking?

194. If it is, let's get a cheeseburger, fries, fried chicken, and eat it...

195. because nothing is worth this.

196. Let's face it. The diet is killing your careers. Fat is funny.

197. Go back in time. Greeks, Romans, in the tub, rub-a-dub-lub, three men having fun.

198. What about all the promises you made?

199. You said you were gonna get me in Dracula and Batman Returns.

200. Hang on. Yeah?

201. I got Ice Cube's record company. Hang on.

202. Yo, yo, yo. What's up, G?

203. Chill. No, it's whack.

204. Yeah, I'll be here till 5, then I got an Empty Nest taping. Okay.

205. So where were we?

206. Nice to see them in such a good mood for a change.

207. Can I just say? Up and then down. And then here...

208. - I just want to talk to you about... - Want to do Hot Country Nights?

209. - No, I don't want to do Hot Country Nights. - They can't afford you.

210. I want to do the disease movie like we talked about.

211. What disease? You do the wrong disease, it doesn't help anybody.

212. What if I just do an obsession, not a disease?

213. A guy who can't stop washing his hands. No one's done that.

214. I could do that. Look.

215. Oh, my hands are dirty.

216. Oh, I'm a dirty boy. I'm a dirty boy.

217. More water. Towels. Towels. More water. Soap.

218. - I can't even go out. Huh? - Don't do any more, because it's too good.

219. - I'll make the call. - Thank you. You got a Prozac?

220. - This is Bob Odenkirk. He's on the show. - Hi.

221. We've been walking around the set. It's a historic place.

222. This lot's had a lot of great shows on it. This is Stage 3, the Hit Factory.

223. They had a lot of hit shows in there like George Burns, and I Love Lucy.

224. - Really? I Love Lucy was there? - Yeah, absolutely. And on the left is Stage 7.

225. That's called The Sandbox because they do game shows there.

226. - They do Jeopardy! in there now. - Really? Alex Trebek is probably right inside.

227. - He's probably in there. - Yeah.

228. So Stage 2, where we shoot our show, what's that called?

229. That's The Morgue. That's where they shot the Dennis Miller Show...

230. Fish Police, and Cop Rock. A lot of shows. I'm gonna go over there now.

231. The morgue? That's probably... Is that like a funny term? Is that...?

232. He's performed for presidents, heads of state.

233. He loves to make people laugh almost as much as he loves his freedom.

234. The Last Stand of Yakov Smirnoff.

235. Thank you. You know, since Soviet Union broke up...

236. people say I have nothing to joke about.

237. Well, I say there's always Albania.

238. The Iron Curtain's lifted, and Yakov's on his own.

239. In former Soviet Union, used to be pretty bad. We had no freedom.

240. Now we have freedom. Pretty crazy, huh?

241. What a sovereignty of independent states. I love it!

242. The Soviet Union's gone, but Yakov is as funny as ever.

243. Oh, a defector.

244. Yeah, things are pretty bad in China now, you know.

245. Which was like the former Soviet Union used to be. Communist.

246. Did I ever tell you I'm part Chinese on my mother's side?

247. Whenever I go to visit relatives in China...

248. we eat, and then an hour later, we want freedom.

249. I have relatives in former Soviet Union who I could not visit.

250. Now I can visit them. What a union of democratic republics.

251. What an incredible sovereignty of states. What a confederacy of independent nations.

252. What a crazy independent nation of union of socialist republics...

253. that are together in a federation of craziness that is all free.

254. I love this country!

255. You stink!

256. I want to go back to Soviet Union the way it was...

257. when we were all oppressed, and I'd...

258. - Get off the stage! - Why don't you get off stage?

259. I can be funny even if Soviet Union is no more.

260. I just want freedom to go away.

261. I am cold.

262. I am frightened.

263. What will the new world order bring for Yakov?

264. It's The Last Stand of Yakov Smirnoff. Coming this fall.

265. The hoe by Wilson. Available at The Home Shop.

266. That's it. That's the first show. We had a good time.

267. I hope you did too. We'll see you next week.

268. I know it's almost over. I think in the future...

269. - we gotta start thinking catch phrases. - Catch phrases?

270. Absolutely. You know, like, "What the, what the hey!"

271. - Or "Look out below!" - "What the, what the hey"?

272. - All right, why don't you... - Or "Oh, my gosh!"

273. You know, this sort of thing:

274. - Catch phrases. We'll put them on T-shirts. - See you next week.

275. - Think about it. Is he listening? - I'm getting out of here.

276. Who's ever driving the red Le Sabre, if you could please move it.

277. Aunt Sadie's trying to get out. You're blocking her. She has to get to her...

278. To her urologist appointment.

279. Kiss my grits!

280. Flo! Alice!

281. It's all about lateral motion now. "I'm over here. Wait, I went over here.

282. I doubled back here." "I thought you were here."

283. "I want to stay in the same place." That's what it's about.

284. Mr. Grant!

285. Mary Tyler Moore...

286. Don't worry, he can't see you. It's a one-way mirror.

287. - Cut! - Why were you laughing?