1. OKAY, WELCOME TO THE SHOW.Copy !req
2. I'M BEN STILLER. I'M HERE
WITH JANEANE GAROFALO.Copy !req
3. AND FLEA FROM THE RED
HOT CHILI PEPPERS IS
GONNA BE HERE THIS WEEK.Copy !req
4. IT'S GOING TO BE GREAT.Copy !req
5. LADIES
AND GENTLEMEN,
MEET SERPICO...Copy !req
6. MEETS TOMA
MEETS BARETTA,Copy !req
7. SUCKING THE
ASPHALT JUNGLE
DOWN HERE.Copy !req
8. I DON'T KNOW WHY
WE'RE DOWN HERE.Copy !req
9. HEY, HEY, HEY, ENOUGH
OF YOUR ATTITUDE, OKAY?Copy !req
10. WE CAN DO THE SHOW FROM
ANYPLACE WITH ANY ATTITUDE
WITH ANY LOOK WE WANT.Copy !req
11. WHY DON'T WE JUST GO
TO THE FIRST FILM, OKAY?Copy !req
12. WHO ARE YOU?Copy !req
13. I DON'T KNOW.Copy !req
14. I'M ALLOWED TO WEAR
A LEATHER JACKET, THOUGH,Copy !req
15. AND HAVE GRAFFITI
BEHIND ME.Copy !req
16. NOT ONLY IS IT
SWELTERING HOT OUT HERE,Copy !req
17. BUT WE'RE
ABOUT TO HAVE
OUR THROATS SLITCopy !req
18. BY DUTCH TILT
AND HIS GANG.Copy !req
19. DUTCH TILT?
IS HE A GANGSTER?Copy !req
20. DUTCH TILT AND HIS GANG
IS HERE. I HAVE TO GO.Copy !req
21. ALRIGHT.
WELL...Copy !req
22. HI. I'M DANIEL DAY-LEWIS.Copy !req
23. AND THOSE OF YOU WHO'VE
SEEN THE LAST OF THE MOHICANSCopy !req
24. KNOW THAT MUCH
OF THE PLOTCopy !req
25. CONSISTS OF ME RUNNING
FROM ONE PLACE TO ANOTHER.Copy !req
26. RUNNING UP HILLS,
RUNNING ACROSS FIELDS,Copy !req
27. THROUGH RIVERS, RUNNING,
RUNNING, AND MORE RUNNING!Copy !req
28. HOW DID I GET INTO SHAPECopy !req
29. FOR ALL THIS RUNNING,
YOU ASK?Copy !req
30. THE ANSWER IS THIS.Copy !req
31. THE MOHICAN MASTER 2000.Copy !req
32. WHEN I WANT
A LIGHT WARM-UP,Copy !req
33. I SET THE MASTER TO
"CHASED BY BEARS."Copy !req
34. FOR MORE OF A CHALLENGING
WORKOUT, I MOVE ON TOCopy !req
35. "PURSUED BY FLESH-EATING
HURON TRIBESMEN."Copy !req
36. AND FOR FULL-ON
AEROBIC TRAINING,Copy !req
37. I PRESS
"SURROUNDED BY DRUNKEN
YANKEE TRADERS WITH MUSKETS."Copy !req
38. AAH!Copy !req
39. WOW.Copy !req
40. A WORKOUT LIKE THAT
WILL SWEAT OFF
YOUR TRIBAL TATTOOS.Copy !req
41. YOU KNOW THE MOHICANS
MAY HAVE BEEN LASTCopy !req
42. IN THE RACE
TO SURVIVE,Copy !req
43. BUT THEY WERE
NUMBER ONE WHEN IT
CAME TO CROSS-TRAINING,Copy !req
44. SO COME ON!
WHAT ARE YOU
WAITING FOR?Copy !req
45. GET YOURSELF
A MASTER.Copy !req
46. IT HELPED PUT
THE "I CAN"Copy !req
47. BACK INTO
THIS MOHICAN.Copy !req
48. THE MOHICAN MASTER 2000.
GET YOURS TODAY.Copy !req
49. WARNING—IF SOMETHING
GOES WRONG ON THE TREADMILL,Copy !req
50. STAY ON!Copy !req
51. DO NOT GET OFF!Copy !req
52. I WILL COME.Copy !req
53. NO MATTER WHAT OCCURS,
I WILL FIX IT.Copy !req
54. THAT'S MY PERSONAL
GUARANTEE TO YOU.Copy !req
55. AND FOR A LIMITED TIME,
GET A REBATE ONCopy !req
56. JAZZERCISE WITH WOLVES,Copy !req
57. THE STEP AEROBIC SYSTEM BY
KEVIN COSTNER.Copy !req
58. OKAY, FEEL YOURSELVES
SCALPING THAT WEIGHT AWAY.Copy !req
59. SCALP IT OFF!Copy !req
60. SCALP IT OFF!Copy !req
61. THIS OFFER NOT AVAILABLE
IN KENTUCKY.Copy !req
62. HEY, WELCOME BACK.Copy !req
63. AND WE'RE HERE WITH
OUR GUEST CLARA.Copy !req
64. VERY EXCITED TO HAVE YOU HERE.
HOW ARE YOU DOING
TODAY, CLARA?Copy !req
65. FINE.Copy !req
66. YOU LOOK GREAT.Copy !req
67. THAT'S A VERY NICE
TATTOO YOU'VE GOT.Copy !req
68. YOU WANNA SHOW
THE PEOPLE YOUR TATTOO?Copy !req
69. LOOK AT THAT.
LOOK AT THAT BEAUTIFUL—Copy !req
70. WELL, WE'LL GET A
SHOT OF THAT LATER.Copy !req
71. OH, BY THE WAY, CLARA'S DAD FLEA
IS HERE, ALSO.Copy !req
72. HOW YOU DOING?Copy !req
73. I'M FEELING ALRIGHT.Copy !req
74. I'M JUST, YOU KNOW, HANGING
ON CLARA'S COATTAILS,Copy !req
75. HOPING TO SOAK UP
A LITTLE OF THE GLAMOUR.Copy !req
76. I KNOW.Copy !req
77. WELL, I THINK
SHE KIND OF CARRIES
US ALL, DOESN'T SHE?Copy !req
78. SHE JUST TRIES
TO KEEP ME IN LINE.Copy !req
79. SHE SAYS, "PAPA,
WHENEVER WE GET INVOLVED
AND YOU COME ALONG WITH MECopy !req
80. "ON THESE
SHOWBIZ THINGSCopy !req
81. "AND PEOPLE JUST
CARE ABOUT FASHIONCopy !req
82. "AND LOOKING GOOD
AND SOCIAL CLIMBINGCopy !req
83. "AND ALL THIS
DISGUSTING STUFF,"Copy !req
84. SHE SAYS, "ALWAYS
REMEMBER THE PURITYCopy !req
85. OF THINGS LIKE
BASKETBALL AND
JOHN COLTRANE."Copy !req
86. THAT'S WORDS
TO LIVE BY.Copy !req
87. WORDS TO LIVE BY.Copy !req
88. ALRIGHT, LET'S GO TO THIS.Copy !req
89. LOOK AT THAT TATTOO.
THERE IT IS.Copy !req
90. LOOK AT THAT TATTOO!Copy !req
91. OH! SHE'S A COY ONE.Copy !req
92. IT'S CHRISTMAS EVE
IN L.A.,Copy !req
93. AND NEW YORK COP
JOHN McLANECopy !req
94. IS SHOPPING
WITH HIS WIFE.Copy !req
95. CALIFORNIA.Copy !req
96. EVERYONE ON THE FLOOR!Copy !req
97. MACH SCHNELL!Copy !req
98. ATTENTION, SHOPPERS...Copy !req
99. FOR THE NEXT 10 MINUTES,
WE WILL HAVE A SPECIAL OFFER—Copy !req
100. $2 MILLION
IN CHRISTMAS COUPONSCopy !req
101. IN EXCHANGE
FOR YOUR LIVES.Copy !req
102. DO SVIDANIYA AND CIAO!Copy !req
103. WHAT COUNTRY
IS THIS GUY FROM?Copy !req
104. THEY'RE AS BRILLIANT...Copy !req
105. AS THEY ARE RUTHLESS.Copy !req
106. I WANT THE
CHRISTMAS COUPONS.Copy !req
107. EAT ME.Copy !req
108. BON APPETIT,
MR. WHIPPLE.Copy !req
109. BUT HE'S VERY CUNNING.Copy !req
110. FIND HIM!Copy !req
111. PAPER OR PLASTIC,
YOU SON OF A—Copy !req
112. THEY SAY LIGHTNING CAN'T
STRIKE TWELVE TIMES...Copy !req
113. BUT DON'T TELL HIM.Copy !req
114. HEY, FELLAS,
GOT TO EAT YOUR GREENS!Copy !req
115. WHO THE HELL
IS THIS GUY?Copy !req
116. WHO ARE YOU?Copy !req
117. YOU'RE VERY ANNOYING.Copy !req
118. I GOT NEWS FOR YOU, PAL...Copy !req
119. THAT'S WHAT THE PEOPLE
PAY TO SEE.Copy !req
120. BRUCE WILLIS.Copy !req
121. HA HA! HEH HEH HEH HEH!Copy !req
122. YOU JUST DESTROYED
AN ENTIRE DELI
SECTION, MISTER!Copy !req
123. WHAT DO YOU THINK I'M DOING
HERE, COMPARISON SHOPPING?Copy !req
124. WHAT DOES HE
THINK HE'S DOING?Copy !req
125. HIS JOB!Copy !req
126. I'M IN CHARGE HERE!Copy !req
127. SCUM-CHECK, AISLE 6.Copy !req
128. HE'S ALONE!Copy !req
129. HE'S TIRED!Copy !req
130. THE FOOD
IS ROTTEN!Copy !req
131. THE BATHROOM IS LOCKED.Copy !req
132. UHH!Copy !req
133. AND HE'S RUNNING OUT
OF ONE-LINERS!Copy !req
134. THINK, DAMN IT, THINK!Copy !req
135. UH...Copy !req
136. SORRY TO PICK ON YOU GUYS.Copy !req
137. HEH.Copy !req
138. YEAH.Copy !req
139. YOUR COINCIDENTAL
APPEARANCE AT EVERYCopy !req
140. TERRORIST ATTACK
ON CHRISTMAS EVECopy !req
141. GROWS TIRESOME,Copy !req
142. MR. BAD BOY!Copy !req
143. YABBA-DABBA-DOO,
DABBA-DOOBA-DABBA
DOOBIE-DABBA.Copy !req
144. SHUT UP!Copy !req
145. "COME TO THE STORE.
WE'LL GO SHOPPING.Copy !req
146. WE'LL GET
A CHRISTMAS TURKEY."Copy !req
147. DIE HARD 12.Copy !req
148. DIE HUNGRY.Copy !req
149. HOW COULD THE SAME THING
HAPPEN TO THE SAME GUYCopy !req
150. SO MANY TIMES?Copy !req
151. BRUCE WILLIS. DIE HARD 12.Copy !req
152. COMING THIS CHRISTMAS
TO THEATERS EVERYWHERE.Copy !req
153. OKAY, WE'RE BACK,
AND WE'RE TALKING
WITH CLARACopy !req
154. AND CLARA'S DAD FLEA
FROM THE RED HOT
CHILI PEPPERS.Copy !req
155. HOW'S IT GOING?Copy !req
156. I'M FEELING ALRIGHT.Copy !req
157. I'M THINKING ABOUT
PUMMELING YOU VIOLENTLY
IN A GAME OF BASKETBALL SHORTLY.Copy !req
158. YOU CAN TRY.
WE'LL SEE
WHAT HAPPENS.Copy !req
159. THEY SAY GUYS
FROM NEW YORKCopy !req
160. ARE MUCH WORSE
THAN GUYS FROM L.A.
AT BASKETBALL.Copy !req
161. SO I WAS GOING TO
PROVE THAT POINTCopy !req
162. AND REALLY EMBARRASS
YOU ON YOUR OWN SHOW.Copy !req
163. WELL, THE TATTOO INTIMIDATION
FACTOR MIGHT PLAY A PART.
BUT I DON'T KNOW.Copy !req
164. CLARA, WHAT DO YOU THINK? IS
YOUR DAD
A GOOD BALLPLAYER?Copy !req
165. YEAH?Copy !req
166. AM I PRETTY GOOD?Copy !req
167. CLARA, WHO'S THE BEST
BASKETBALL PLAYER
IN THE WORLD?Copy !req
168. WHO'S THE BEST
BASKETBALL PLAYER
IN THE WHOLE WORLD?Copy !req
169. SHE'S POINTING
TO HIM. OKAY.Copy !req
170. I THINK YOU'RE
A LITTLE BIT BIASED, OKAY?
'CAUSE HE'S YOUR DAD.Copy !req
171. WE'LL SEE. I'M NOT
CLAIMING TO BE A GREAT
BALLPLAYER OR ANYTHING.Copy !req
172. WHY DON'T WE JUST
GO TO THIS, ALRIGHT?Copy !req
173. I'M NOT CLAIMING
TO BE GREAT, EITHER,Copy !req
174. BUT I'M ONLY GOOD AT POKING
PEOPLE IN THE EYE, TRIPPING,
HAIR PULLING...Copy !req
175. "HEY,
LOOK OVER THERE."Copy !req
176. OKAY, I CAN PLAY THAT
GAME, TOO, MY FRIEND.
TWO CAN PLAY THAT ONE.Copy !req
177. HOW DOES THIS WORK?Copy !req
178. HEY, BE GENTLE WITH THAT.Copy !req
179. I'M SORRY.Copy !req
180. THE FOLLOWING IS
A PAID ADVERTISEMENT.Copy !req
181. AND NOW, A SPECIAL MESSAGE
ABOUT THE LET GO CLINICCopy !req
182. WITH TONY BOBBINS.Copy !req
183. HI, MY NAME
IS DAVID CASSIDY,Copy !req
184. AND I'M ABOUT
TO TELL YOU SOMETHINGCopy !req
185. THAT COULD
CHANGE YOUR LIFE.Copy !req
186. TWO YEARS AGO
MY GIRLFRIEND DUMPED ME,Copy !req
187. DESPITE THE FACT
THAT I'M A HUGE STARCopy !req
188. AND I STILL LOOK INCREDIBLY
YOUNG AND HANDSOME.Copy !req
189. ANYWAY, THE POINT IS,Copy !req
190. I WAS SO SHATTERED
EMOTIONALLYCopy !req
191. I COULD HARDLY
CARRY ON WITH MY LIFE—Copy !req
192. A LIFE
OF EASE AND RICHES—Copy !req
193. THEN I MET TONY BOBBINS.Copy !req
194. YOU KNOW, WHEN A GIRL
BREAKS UP WITH YOU,Copy !req
195. IT'S LIKE YOU'RE AN INSECT
OR SOMETHING. YOU'RE A FLY
AND SHE'S RIPPED OFF YOUR WINGS.Copy !req
196. WHAT WE DO AT
THE LET GO CLINIC ISCopy !req
197. GIVE YOU THE TOOLS YOU'LL NEED
TO
GROW THOSE WINGS BACK,Copy !req
198. TEACH YOU TO FLY AGAIN,Copy !req
199. SO YOU CAN BUZZ AROUND
AND FIND HERCopy !req
200. AND BURN HER FACE WITH
YOUR NOXIOUS SALIVA.Copy !req
201. THAT'S WHAT THE LET GO
CLINIC IS ALL ABOUT.Copy !req
202. TONY, WHAT EXACTLY DO THE ESTEEM
COACHES AT YOUR CENTER DO?Copy !req
203. GOOD QUESTION.Copy !req
204. YOU KNOW, AFTER MY
FIFTH WIFE LEFT ME,Copy !req
205. I WAS LIVING IN
AN 8-BY-10-FOOT
STUDIO APARTMENT,Copy !req
206. 300 POUNDS
OVERWEIGHT,Copy !req
207. CHAINED TO THE WALL
EATING DOG FOOD,Copy !req
208. AND I'M OVER 7 FEET TALL,
SO THAT DOESN'T PAINT
A PRETTY PICTURE.Copy !req
209. I MEAN, I'D REALLY
HIT BOTTOM.Copy !req
210. THEN I THOUGHT, "WOULDN'T IT BE
GREAT IF I COULD PAY SOMEONE TO
FIX MY LIFE FOR ME,"Copy !req
211. SO THAT'S
WHAT I'VE DONE.Copy !req
212. REALLY?Copy !req
213. FIRST STEP—
WE REMOVE YOU FROMCopy !req
214. YOUR RELATIONSHIP-
TAINTED ENVIRONMENT.Copy !req
215. REMEMBER WHEN
WE WENT TO THE MALLCopy !req
216. AND I BOUGHT YOU
THE PINK-HAIRED TROLL DOLL?Copy !req
217. OH, MY GOD!Copy !req
218. CODE BLUE!
CODE BLUE!Copy !req
219. THE POSSUM
IS IN THE CAGE!Copy !req
220. REPEAT, THE POSSUM'S
IN THE CAGE!Copy !req
221. WE GOT
A LIVE ONE HERE!Copy !req
222. COME ON,
GET THE MASK ON!Copy !req
223. LOVE LETTERS
AND COLD PIZZA!Copy !req
224. I WANT TOTAL LOCKDOWN
ON THIS!Copy !req
225. NO!Copy !req
226. SECOND STEP—
WE FORCE YOU TO WATCH
HUNDREDS OF HOURSCopy !req
227. OF THE TELEVISION PROGRAM
LOVE, AMERICAN STYLE.Copy !req
228. PRETTY TOUGH MEDICINE.Copy !req
229. STEP THREE—Copy !req
230. PHYSICAL THERAPY.Copy !req
231. WE GET YOU
TO ASSOCIATE PAINCopy !req
232. WITH YOUR OLD
RELATIONSHIP.Copy !req
233. OH, MY GOD!Copy !req
234. THIS GUY IS REALLY
ONTO SOMETHING.Copy !req
235. YOU KNOW, JUST BECAUSE I
HOST THE SHOW STUDSCopy !req
236. DOES NOT
NECESSARILY MEANCopy !req
237. THAT I'M CAPABLE
OF HAVING MY OWNCopy !req
238. MUTUALLY FULFILLING
HUMAN RELATIONSHIP.Copy !req
239. AS A MATTER OF FACT,
I WAS OBSESSED FOR 21 YEARSCopy !req
240. WITH THE FIRST GIRL
I EVER KISSED,Copy !req
241. BUT THROUGH
RECONDITIONING ME,Copy !req
242. TONY BOBBINS HAS
ALLOWED ME TO GET
ON WITH MY LIFE.Copy !req
243. TONY BOBBINS
HELPED ME LET GOCopy !req
244. SO THAT I COULD BURN
MY EX-GIRLFRIEND WITH
MY NOXIOUS SALIVA.Copy !req
245. THANKS, TONY.Copy !req
246. OKAY, NOW YOU'VE ASSOCIATED
MY EX-GIRLFRIEND WITH PAINCopy !req
247. SO IT HURTS TO EVEN
THINK ABOUT HER.Copy !req
248. WHAT NEXT?Copy !req
249. NOW'S THE PART
I LIKE BEST.Copy !req
250. HERE'S WHERE
THE ADVENTURE BEGINS.Copy !req
251. WE GET YOU TO USE
THOSE SAME TECHNIQUES
TO BUILD YOURSELF UP AGAIN.Copy !req
252. NO! NO!Copy !req
253. WHO WANTS SOME CAKE?Copy !req
254. OHH... YES.Copy !req
255. TONY, WHAT WOULD YOU CONSIDER
YOUR PERSONAL KEY TO SUCCESS?Copy !req
256. STEP FOUR—
I HYPNOTIZE YOU
WITH MY TEETH,Copy !req
257. AND YOU
PAY ME MONEY.Copy !req
258. TONY, ARE YOU THE DEVIL?Copy !req
259. I AM NOT EVIL.
I AM NOT THE DEVIL.Copy !req
260. HAH! HAH!Copy !req
261. HAH!Copy !req
262. HAH!Copy !req
263. NONE OF THE PEOPLE
YOU'VE SEEN INTERVIEWEDCopy !req
264. WERE PAID FOR THEIR
ENDORSEMENT IN THIS PROGRAMCopy !req
265. EXCEPT MARK DeCARLO WHO
CUT SOME SORT OF A DEAL—Copy !req
266. BUT THE OTHER GUY AND I
DID IT FOR FREE,Copy !req
267. BECAUSE WE BELIEVE
IN THE PROGRAMCopy !req
268. AND BECAUSE HE CALLED ME
IN THE MORNING.Copy !req
269. AND I WAS KINDA TIRED.
I WASN'T WORKING THAT WEEK.Copy !req
270. SORT OF DISORIENTED, TOO.
I DON'T KNOW.Copy !req
271. PEOPLE COME UP TO ME ON THE
STREET ALL THE TIME AND SAY,Copy !req
272. "HOW DARE YOU TAKE MONEY FROM
HUNDREDS OF THOUSANDS OF PEOPLECopy !req
273. AND PROMISE
TO MAKE THEM HAPPY?"Copy !req
274. AND I HAVE TO LAUGH,Copy !req
275. BECAUSE WASN'T IT WORTH
TAKING ALL THAT MONEYCopy !req
276. IF I MAKE JUST
ONE PERSON HAPPY,Copy !req
277. EVEN IF THAT
ONE PERSON IS ME?Copy !req
278. HAH!Copy !req
279. SO COME ON.
WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR?Copy !req
280. QUIT CRYING OVER HER
AND EMBRACE ME!Copy !req
281. BY THE WAY, I'M NOT
JUST THE FOUNDER
OF THE LET GO CLINIC,Copy !req
282. I'M ALSO
ITS FIRST MEMBER.Copy !req
283. ALRIGHT, WE'RE
HERE WITH FLEA,Copy !req
284. AND WE'RE GOING
TO PLAY A LITTLE
FRIENDLY OF ONE-ON-ONE.Copy !req
285. IT'S GONNA BE
REALLY FRIENDLY.Copy !req
286. VERY FRIENDLY.Copy !req
287. IT'S GONNA BE SO FRIENDLY.Copy !req
288. WHAT I'M GOING
TO DO TO YOU
IS DISGUSTING.Copy !req
289. IT'S TERRIFYING. IT'S
FRIGHTENING. I MEAN,
IT'S REALLY HORRIFIC.Copy !req
290. IT'S GOING
TO BE WORSECopy !req
291. THAN GETTING DUMPED
BY YOUR WIFECopy !req
292. AND FINDING HER
WITH YOUR BEST FRIEND.Copy !req
293. IT'S GONNA BE—Copy !req
294. OKAY. ALRIGHT.Copy !req
295. I GOT AN IDEA.
WHY DON'T WE
MAKE IT INTERESTING?Copy !req
296. WHY DON'T WE PUT A LITTLE
WAGER ON THE GAME, OKAY?Copy !req
297. IF I WIN, YOU GUYS HAVE TO PLAY
ON THE SHOW.Copy !req
298. THE CHILI PEPPERS
HAVE TO PLAY ON
THE SHOW LIVE, ALRIGHT?Copy !req
299. ALRIGHT. IF YOU WIN,
THE RED HOT CHILI PEPPERS
WILL PLAY THE BEN STILLER SHOW.Copy !req
300. BUT IF I WIN, WHICH WILL MOST
CERTAINLY BE THE CASE,Copy !req
301. YOU HAVE TO TAKE OFF ALL YOUR
CLOTHES AND RUN NAKEDCopy !req
302. SCREAMING DOWN
WILSHIRE BOULEVARD—Copy !req
303. OKAY.Copy !req
304. UNDULATING WILDLY.Copy !req
305. OKAY. ALRIGHT.
THAT'S IT.Copy !req
306. IT'LL PROBABLY RUIN
YOUR ENTIRE CAREER,Copy !req
307. AND YOU'LL MARRY
YOUR COUSIN.Copy !req
308. OKAY. YOU CAN TAKE
THE BALL OUT FIRST.Copy !req
309. I HAVE TOTAL
FAITH IN THIS.Copy !req
310. YAAH! HE SCORES!Copy !req
311. WHY DON'T WE JUST
GO TO A FILM, OKAY?Copy !req
312. WE'LL GO TO A FILM.
WE'LL BE BACK AFTER THIS.Copy !req
313. I REALLY LOVE
YOUR NAME.Copy !req
314. I MEAN, YOUR NAME
IS FABULOUS.Copy !req
315. AND YOU'RE SO BEAUTIFUL.
I'M GLAD I MET YOU.Copy !req
316. IT REALLY
MAKES MY NIGHT.Copy !req
317. EXCUSE ME.Copy !req
318. YOU'RE
HERVE VILLECHAIZE.Copy !req
319. THAT'S RIGHT.Copy !req
320. YOU PLAYED TATTOO, RIGHT?Copy !req
321. YEAH, RIGHT.Copy !req
322. YOU BLOW ME AWAY.Copy !req
323. THANK YOU VERY MUCH.Copy !req
324. NO, NO, I'M TELLING YOU WHAT YOU
DO, IT'S REALLY UNBELIEVABLE.Copy !req
325. I'M GLAD YOU LIKE IT.Copy !req
326. NO, NO, NO.Copy !req
327. I'M TELLING YOU, I
REALLY GET WHAT YOU DO—Copy !req
328. THE WHOLE THING RINGING THE
BELL, AND THE THREE-PIECE SUIT—Copy !req
329. I LOVE IT.Copy !req
330. I REALLY RESPECT IT.Copy !req
331. IT'S GOT A VERY SPECIAL CENTER
TO IT. I THINK IT'S BEAUTIFUL.Copy !req
332. THANKS.Copy !req
333. DO ME A FAVOR. GIVE ME ONE, HUH?Copy !req
334. GIVE YOU WHAT?Copy !req
335. YOU DON'T WANNA HEAR IT.Copy !req
336. COME ON, JUST ONE.Copy !req
337. YOU MEAN—Copy !req
338. WE WANT TO HEAR IT.
COME ON. RIGHT?Copy !req
339. COME ON. DO IT.Copy !req
340. ALRIGHT.Copy !req
341. THE PLANE! THE PLANE!Copy !req
342. HA HA HA. THAT'S GREAT.Copy !req
343. THAT'S WONDERFUL.
THAT'S AMAZING.Copy !req
344. ALRIGHT, NOW SAY,
"WELCOME TO FANTASY ISLAND."Copy !req
345. THAT'S NOT MY LINE.Copy !req
346. COME ON. DO IT ANYWAY.Copy !req
347. NO!Copy !req
348. NO. NO. NO.Copy !req
349. WHERE ARE WE?
WELCOME TO WHERE?Copy !req
350. YOU WANT ME TO DO THE WHOLE
FANTASY ISLAND?Copy !req
351. NO, HERVE, WHERE ARE WE,
HUH? WHERE ARE WE?Copy !req
352. I DON'T KNOW WHERE WE ARE.
WELCOME TO WHERE, HUH?Copy !req
353. WELCOME TO WHERE?Copy !req
354. WELCOME TO
FANTASY ISLAND.Copy !req
355. THIS IS AMAZING—I'M
GETTING TRANSPORTED BACK,Copy !req
356. IT'S LIKE I'M
COMING OFF THE BOATCopy !req
357. AND YOU'RE
GIVING ME CHAMPAGNE.Copy !req
358. MY WIFE LOVES YOU.
HAS A CRUSH ON YOU.Copy !req
359. DO ME A FAVOR.
GO BUY HER A DRINK, HUH?Copy !req
360. DO WHAT?Copy !req
361. COME ON.Copy !req
362. BUY HER A GLASS OF CHAMPAGNE.
IT'LL BLOW HER AWAY.Copy !req
363. I CAN'T DO THAT.Copy !req
364. NO, NO, NO, COME ON, DO IT.Copy !req
365. IT'S NOT RIGHT.Copy !req
366. HERVE, DO IT.Copy !req
367. HERVE, DO IT FOR ME.
COME ON, ONE DRINK.Copy !req
368. DO IT.Copy !req
369. HERVE.Copy !req
370. DO IT.Copy !req
371. DO IT.Copy !req
372. COME ON, DO IT.Copy !req
373. NO, IT HURTS ME.Copy !req
374. JUST DON'T KEEP SCRATCHING.Copy !req
375. YOU LET IT HEAL
BECAUSE IT'LL NEVER HEAL.Copy !req
376. I'M NOT GONNA SCRATCH IT.
IT'S GONNA SCAB.Copy !req
377. HI.Copy !req
378. OH, MY GOD!Copy !req
379. IT'S HERVE VILLECHAIZE!Copy !req
380. WELL,
I WAS WONDERING...Copy !req
381. CAN I BUY YOU
A GLASS OF CHAMPAGNE?Copy !req
382. A GLASS
OF CHAMPAGNE!Copy !req
383. I AM GOING TO
PUT YOU IN MY POCKETCopy !req
384. AND MARCH RIGHT OUT OF HERE!Copy !req
385. THAT'S WONDERFUL.Copy !req
386. BUT NO, THANK YOU, DARLING.
I'M ON PRITIKIN.Copy !req
387. NO, INSIST.
COME ON.Copy !req
388. I INSIST. HAVE A GLASS
OF CHAMPAGNE WITH ME.Copy !req
389. OH, NO, THANK YOU, DOLL.
I'M NOT DRINKING THIS WEEK.Copy !req
390. NO, NO, NO,
SERIOUSLY...Copy !req
391. BEG HER.Copy !req
392. DO IT.Copy !req
393. I BEG YOU TO HAVE A GLASS
OF CHAMPAGNE WITH ME, PLEASE.Copy !req
394. UH, I DON'T KNOW
WHAT TO SAY.Copy !req
395. WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?
THE LADY SAID SHE
DIDN'T WANT A DRINK.Copy !req
396. WHAT?Copy !req
397. NO, NO, NO, COME ON, BEAT IT.Copy !req
398. NO, NO, NO, SERIOUSLY,
GET THE HELL OUT OF HERE.Copy !req
399. HEY, SHORT STUFF,
YOU WANT A PIECE OF ME?
THEN GET OUTTA HERE.Copy !req
400. YOU MUST BE OUT OF YOUR MIND.
YOU'RE CRAZY!Copy !req
401. NOW—NO BUTS.
HIT THE ROAD, JACK.Copy !req
402. ALRIGHT!Copy !req
403. THANK YOU, DOLL.
THAT WAS VERY UNCOMFORTABLE.Copy !req
404. YOU KNOW THESE
HOLLYWOOD TYPES.Copy !req
405. THEY COME HERE, THEY THINK
THEY RULE THE WORLD.Copy !req
406. I DON'T KNOW
WHAT THAT'S ABOUT.Copy !req
407. THEY CERTAINLY
HIT ON ME ENOUGH.Copy !req
408. THAT'S 'CAUSE YOU'RE
A VERY LOVELY LADY.Copy !req
409. OH, MAURY!Copy !req
410. HEY, HERE'S TO YOU.Copy !req
411. YOU'RE AMAZING.Copy !req
412. NO, NO, NO, NO...Copy !req
413. YOU'RE AMAZING.Copy !req
414. IT'S TIME ONCE AGAIN FOR
ASK MANSONCopy !req
415. STARRING AMERICA'S FAVORITE
ANSWER MAN CHARLES MANSON!Copy !req
416. OUR FIRST LETTER COMES
FROM RONALD GARNER
OF SYOSSET, NEW YORK,Copy !req
417. WHO WRITES, "DEAR MR. MANSON,
HOW COME THE MUFFLER
ON MY 1954 CHEVYCopy !req
418. KEEPS MAKING
A HISSING SOUND?"Copy !req
419. SSSS!
HISS! HISS! HISS!Copy !req
420. THAT'S MY SOUND.
THAT'S THE SOUND OF ME.Copy !req
421. I'M OUT THERE.
I'M INSIDE YOUR MUFFLER.Copy !req
422. YOU DON'T LIKE IT,
BUT THAT'S TOO LATE!Copy !req
423. I ALREADY GOT INSIDE!
I DON'T SHUT UP!Copy !req
424. THEY TRY TO SHUT ME UP,Copy !req
425. BUT I'M A BIG MOUTH
LIKE MARTHA RAYE.Copy !req
426. I'M A BING CROSBY FAN,
I'M NOT A BEATLE FAN.Copy !req
427. I GOT FRIENDS OUT THERE,
THEY GOT ICE PICKS AND THEY'RE—Copy !req
428. WHEN YOU HEAR ME,
YOU'D BETTER—Copy !req
429. GEEOCK MICKLAH DOOGAH!Copy !req
430. I'D CHECK
YOUR MUFFLER'S SEAL.Copy !req
431. ASK MANSON WAS BROUGHT TO YOU BY
HAPPY CHILDREN'S TOYS.Copy !req
432. THAT'S NOT FAIR.
SHE'S GOT—Copy !req
433. UH-OH.Copy !req
434. OH, OUT OF BOUNDS!
OUT OF BOUNDS!Copy !req
435. IT'S ALRIGHT,
I GOT IT. I GOT IT.Copy !req
436. ALRIGHT, CLARA,
PLAN B! PLAN B!Copy !req
437. PLAN B!
GET THOSE HANDS UP!Copy !req
438. WHOO!Copy !req
439. OH! OH, MY GOD!Copy !req
440. ALRIGHT. WE'LL BE BACK.Copy !req
441. LUCKY SHOT. WE GOT HIM.Copy !req
442. I DON'T LIKE HOW
ROUGH YOU PLAY, OKAY?Copy !req
443. I GOT A PROBLEM
WITH YOU. OOH!Copy !req
444. CLARA,
I TOLD YOU PLAN B!Copy !req
445. I TOLD YOU PLAN B,
CLARA, NOT PLAN B-3.Copy !req
446. HEY, FAMILY,
MOMMY'S HOME.Copy !req
447. UH, DORIS,
I KILLED THE KIDS.Copy !req
448. NOT NOW, SKANK.
THE ICE CREAM'S MELTING.Copy !req
449. I'M NOT KIDDING.
THEY WERE DRIVING ME NUTS!Copy !req
450. OH, NO!Copy !req
451. HAPPY ANNIVERSARY, MOM!Copy !req
452. OH-HO-HO!Copy !req
453. OOH! OH, YOU GUYS!Copy !req
454. HAPPY 10th
ANNIVERSARY,
SWEETHEART.Copy !req
455. OHH...Copy !req
456. NOW BREAK OUT
THE CHIPS AND
LET'S PARTY!Copy !req
457. I FORGOT THE CHIPS.Copy !req
458. UH-OH!Copy !req
459. YOU FORGOT THE CHIPS
ON OUR ANNIVERSARY?Copy !req
460. SKANK, IT MUST'VE
SLIPPED MY MIND.Copy !req
461. WHY THE HELL
DON'T YOU LOVE ME?Copy !req
462. SKANK, I LOVE
EVERYTHING ABOUT YOU!Copy !req
463. THEN LOVE THIS—
I'M LEAVING!Copy !req
464. DAD!Copy !req
465. SHUT YOUR
STINKIN' TRAP!Copy !req
466. DON'T GO!Copy !req
467. AH, YOU'RE JUST LIKE
YOUR MOTHER!Copy !req
468. SO HOW DOES THIS WORK, GIRLS?Copy !req
469. DO I PAY YOU NOW
OR IN TWO MINUTES?Copy !req
470. SKANK...
YOU'RE HOME?Copy !req
471. OH, HELLO, DORIS.
HOW ARE THE KIDS?Copy !req
472. WHO'S THIS, SWEETIE,
YOUR SISTER?Copy !req
473. WHOA!Copy !req
474. I'LL TELL YOU
WHO I AM, LADY—Copy !req
475. I AM THIS MAN'S WIFE,Copy !req
476. AND WHEN I SAID
"TILL DEATH DO US PART"
TEN YEARS AGOCopy !req
477. I MEANT IT!Copy !req
478. OH, SKANK, CAN YOU
EVER FORGIVE ME?Copy !req
479. OH, YOU BET, SWEETIE.Copy !req
480. NOW LET'S GET YOUR
CUTE LITTLE HEINIE
UP TO THE BEDROOMCopy !req
481. BEFORE I BITE IT OFF
AND SPIT IT UP THERE!Copy !req
482. SORRY, GIRLS.Copy !req
483. I WON'T BE CHEATING
ON MY WIFE TODAY.Copy !req
484. DORIS, IF THERE'S
ONE THING I LEARNED,Copy !req
485. IT'S THAT SEX
IS SO MUCH BETTER
WHEN IT'S FREE—Copy !req
486. UH, WITH THE ONE
YOU LOVE, OF COURSE.Copy !req
487. OH, I SHOULD JUST SHUT
MY STINKIN' TRAP!Copy !req
488. WHY DON'T YOU JUST
LET ME SHUT IT FOR YOU?Copy !req
489. THE BEN STILLER SHOW
IS BROUGHT TO YOU BYCopy !req
490. TONY BOBBINS
AND THE LET GO CLINIC.Copy !req
491. AND NOW,
ANOTHER WORD FROM TONY.Copy !req
492. YOU KNOW, WHEN I WAS 13 YEARS
OLD, MY FIRST GIRLFRIEND
BROKE UP WITH ME,Copy !req
493. AND I WAS DEVASTATED.Copy !req
494. I PUT ON 75 POUNDS
IN TWO DAYSCopy !req
495. AND I JUMPED UP FROM 6'1"
TO 7'2" WITHIN A WEEK.Copy !req
496. I WAS A FREAK!
NO ONE WOULD TALK TO ME.Copy !req
497. MY PARENTS DIDN'T EVEN
WANT TO SEE ME.Copy !req
498. AND I REALIZED THAT I'D
HAVE TO TURN WITHINCopy !req
499. TO GAIN ANY CONTROL THAT
I WOULD HAVE IN MY LIFE.Copy !req
500. NOW I'M A GIANT
BOTH ON THE INSIDE AND OUTSIDE—Copy !req
501. THOUGH NOT TECHNICALLY
A GIANT—Copy !req
502. AND NOW I WILL
RULE THE WORLD.Copy !req
503. I AM KING, AND I WILL
HYPNOTIZE YOU.Copy !req
504. LOOK AT MY TEETH.
THEY RULE YOU.Copy !req
505. AND NOW BACK TO
THE BEN STILLER SHOW.Copy !req
506. ALRIGHT, FLEA,
COME ON!Copy !req
507. ALRIGHT! WHOO!Copy !req
508. ALRIGHT—SO WE'RE HERE, IT'S
10-6, FLEA'S WINNING BY
A COUPLE OF POINTS.Copy !req
509. ALRIGHT, GO!
COME ON!Copy !req
510. GIVE ME EVERYTHING
YOU GOT, MAN!Copy !req
511. OOH! I'M READY!
I'M READY!Copy !req
512. I DIDN'T EVEN
BLOCK YOU ON
THAT ONE, MAN.Copy !req
513. COME ON! COME HERE!Copy !req
514. OH, IT'S A STEAL!Copy !req
515. IT'S A STEAL! OH!Copy !req
516. ALRIGHT,
THERE YOU GO—
IT'S GAME.Copy !req
517. OKAY.Copy !req
518. NICE JOB, FLEA.Copy !req
519. NICE GAME, AND,
UH, I'M SORRY.Copy !req
520. BEN HAS TO
GET NAKED!Copy !req
521. I'M REALLY SORRY YOU
HAVE TO GO THROUGH
WITH THIS NOW.Copy !req
522. GO THROUGH WITH WHAT?
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?Copy !req
523. WHAT ARE WE TALKING ABOUT?Copy !req
524. I'M TALKING ABOUT THIS.Copy !req
525. TALKING ABOUT WHAT?
THERE'S NOTHING TO TALK ABOUT.Copy !req
526. YOU'RE GOING TO
HAVE TO TAKE OFF
ALL YOUR CLOTHESCopy !req
527. AND DISPLAY
YOURSELFCopy !req
528. ON WILSHIRE
BOULEVARD.Copy !req
529. THAT'S WHAT YOU DO.
I DON'T DO THAT.Copy !req
530. SEE, I DO A LITTLE
COMEDY SHOW.Copy !req
531. I DON'T DO THAT!Copy !req
532. SEE YOU NEXT WEEK, OKAY?Copy !req
533. HOW CAN YOU LOOK
ME IN THE EYECopy !req
534. AND GO BACK
ON THE BET?Copy !req
535. I'M-I'M-I'M NOT...Copy !req
536. I GOT TO GO.
I'LL SEE YOU.Copy !req
537. THANK YOU—Copy !req
538. OKAY...Copy !req
539. YOU KNOW, LAUGHING
LEADS TO CRYING.Copy !req
540. STEP FOUR—
I HYPNOTIZE YOU
WITH MY TEETHCopy !req
541. AND YOU
SEND ME MO—Copy !req
542. KEEP YOUR KNIVES SHARP!Copy !req
543. NO, NO, NO, NO,
NO, NO, NO, NO...Copy !req
544. NO, NO, NO, NO,
NO, NO, NO. NO.Copy !req
545. CUT.Copy !req
546. MARKER.Copy !req