1. How you doing?
Welcome to the show.Copy !req
2. I'm really excited because...Copy !req
3. Sarah Jessica Parker
will be here.Copy !req
4. Let's start. The sooner we
start, the sooner she gets here.Copy !req
5. So let's watch this.Copy !req
6. Anybody seen Sarah?Copy !req
7. He showed you conspiracy
in JFK.Copy !req
8. Rebellion in The Doors.Copy !req
9. Greed in Wall Street.Copy !req
10. The agony of war in Platoon.Copy !req
11. And more agony of war
in Born on the Fourth of July.Copy !req
12. Hi. I'm Oliver Stone.Copy !req
13. And this summer, I invite you
to witness my latest creation.Copy !req
14. It's Oliver Stoneland!Copy !req
15. Welcome to the future site
of Oliver Stoneland...Copy !req
16. my own amusement park.Copy !req
17. Let me be your host
as I usher you through reality.Copy !req
18. My reality.Copy !req
19. A magical place where the
objective is not to escape...Copy !req
20. but to confront.Copy !req
21. Inspired by my hit film
The Doors...Copy !req
22. is a feverishly
psychotic maze...Copy !req
23. called
"Mr. Morrison's Wild Ride."Copy !req
24. It's an enhanced trip
through depression...Copy !req
25. self-delusion
and crazed egomania.Copy !req
26. I wanted everyone to feel
the fire that is Morrison.Copy !req
27. That's all right. You can get
on, you little Lizard King.Copy !req
28. At Oliver Stoneland,
we question authority.Copy !req
29. Each bathtub fits
a family of four.Copy !req
30. But beware. This ride may
remove your will to live.Copy !req
31. Break on through!Copy !req
32. Break on through!Copy !req
33. I am an Indian,
but I also represent death.Copy !req
34. I am an Indian,
but I also represent...Copy !req
35. No, Jim, no.Copy !req
36. - Give me some death.
- No, Jim, no.Copy !req
37. Give me some death.Copy !req
38. Come on!Copy !req
39. Come on!Copy !req
40. Come on!Copy !req
41. The only way out is death.Copy !req
42. The only way out is death.Copy !req
43. The only way out is death.Copy !req
44. I'm not really dead!Copy !req
45. Morrison was the lifeblood
of a generation...Copy !req
46. that was sucked down
the bathtub drain...Copy !req
47. of the apathetic '70s...Copy !req
48. and into the materialistic
cesspool of the next decade.Copy !req
49. But the ride's a gas.Copy !req
50. If you're into communications,
why not try Talk Radio Town...Copy !req
51. where you and your family
can broadcast...Copy !req
52. your very own radio show.Copy !req
53. And get killed afterwards.Copy !req
54. But if it's musical merriment
you want...Copy !req
55. don't miss Platoons...Copy !req
56. a rabble-rousing salute
to a war...Copy !req
57. we've never stopped
fighting...Copy !req
58. as performed by the
Combat Rollers.Copy !req
59. And with showstopping numbers
like "Viet-wow!"...Copy !req
60. who's gonna protest?Copy !req
61. Combat Rollers
are true professionals.Copy !req
62. They're cynical, angry,
fed up and great skaters.Copy !req
63. I was very lucky to find them.Copy !req
64. Hey, how you doing?
We're here with Janeane.Copy !req
65. Very excited.Copy !req
66. Sarah Jessica Parker
will be here at any moment.Copy !req
67. You know she has a boyfriend.Copy !req
68. Yeah. So what?
What's that mat—?Copy !req
69. - She's just guest-starring.
- You have a crush on her.Copy !req
70. - I don't have a crush.
- You so much do.Copy !req
71. Just because she's on the show,
I have to have a crush on her?Copy !req
72. What are we gonna do with her?
Why is she on the show?Copy !req
73. I'll have a picnic with her.
That's what I thought we'd do.Copy !req
74. - Having a picnic with Sarah?
- Yes.Copy !req
75. I don't recall you having
picnics with other guests.Copy !req
76. - It's a new concept.
- Really?Copy !req
77. Why don't we go to this film
right now? Okay? It'll be great.Copy !req
78. She really has a boyfriend?Copy !req
79. She's being living with him
for a long time.Copy !req
80. Pan America Insurance
Company...Copy !req
81. profiles Salesman of the
Year, Phillip Morrow.Copy !req
82. If I have one strong point
as a salesman...Copy !req
83. it is my ability to locate
and tap into new markets.Copy !req
84. For the last two years...Copy !req
85. Phillip Morrow has been
traveling around the country...Copy !req
86. attending to the
insurance needsCopy !req
87. of a very specificCopy !req
88. The Grateful Dead fan.Copy !req
89. To meet their
insurance needs...Copy !req
90. I had to understand
their lifestyle.Copy !req
91. I wonder who their
beneficiary was?Copy !req
92. You know, get into their heads.Copy !req
93. - Mind if I sit down?
- No. Go ahead, young man.Copy !req
94. - What's happening?
- I'm psyched on this concert.Copy !req
95. I hope they play "Truckin'."
Truck-truck-trucking.Copy !req
96. Trucking.Copy !req
97. You got health insurance, man?Copy !req
98. Take insurance.Copy !req
99. Some take drugs,
buy food from strangers...Copy !req
100. and get no exercise,
except for the Space Jam.Copy !req
101. They need insurance.Copy !req
102. When Jerry Garcia went into
a coma, man, he was covered.Copy !req
103. Being a Deadhead doesn't
mean being irresponsible.Copy !req
104. It means being free.Copy !req
105. The only people that are
grateful when someone's dead...Copy !req
106. is the recipient
of life insurance, man.Copy !req
107. Yeah?Copy !req
108. What happens if you go on a trip
and never come back?Copy !req
109. How will your little Deadheads
go to Albany...Copy !req
110. or go to Minnesota
and catch the Dead?Copy !req
111. How will they do that
without any money, man?Copy !req
112. I'll put them
in Larry's van.Copy !req
113. Getting them to sign a policy
is not always easy.Copy !req
114. Dragons, man!
They're all over the place!Copy !req
115. They're biting on me!Copy !req
116. - Cool out, man.
- Breathing out fire!Copy !req
117. I got dragon insurance, my man.Copy !req
118. You sign here,
the dragons will go away.Copy !req
119. - I can protect you, man.
- Yeah.Copy !req
120. The dragons are going away, man.Copy !req
121. Oh, yeah, man.Copy !req
122. - You're a hero, man.
- Peace, brother.Copy !req
123. You're a hero.Copy !req
124. No! No!Copy !req
125. You sign on this bottom line...Copy !req
126. You sign on this bottom line,
you'll be so free, man.Copy !req
127. - You'll be, like, flying.
- Freaking me out, dude.Copy !req
128. Go ahead. Sign up, man.Copy !req
129. - Okay.
- All right. I love you, man.Copy !req
130. - I love you, man.
- Peace, brother.Copy !req
131. - Hope they play "Truckin'."
- All right!Copy !req
132. Take care of yourself, now.Copy !req
133. What did I just sign?Copy !req
134. It's a lot of work.Copy !req
135. The funny thing is, I'm not
a big fan of their music...Copy !req
136. but I have to admit,
it's grown on me.Copy !req
137. After 400 shows, it had better.Copy !req
138. This program is working
so well...Copy !req
139. that I'm gonna start
touring with The Cure.Copy !req
140. The boys in the office
think I'm crazy.Copy !req
141. Crazy like a fox.Copy !req
142. Now, you understand suicide's
not covered under this policy.Copy !req
143. Welcome back.
We're really excited.Copy !req
144. Sarah Jessica Parker's
gonna be here.Copy !req
145. - What's this?
- Why the change of clothes?Copy !req
146. You think you're Madonna?Copy !req
147. I can't change clothes
during the show?Copy !req
148. It's no big deal, you know.
Guys, listen—Copy !req
149. - I know why.
- When she gets here, move out.Copy !req
150. - Why?
- Oh, what?Copy !req
151. Three jerks spitting
and arguing about football...Copy !req
152. - ... is gonna cramp your style?
- Yeah, it is.Copy !req
153. - Come on, it's too weird.
- Ben.Copy !req
154. Hi. How you doing?
Sarah Jessica Parker.Copy !req
155. - This is great.
- Thanks for being on the show.Copy !req
156. Thanks for having me
in the woods.Copy !req
157. I'll see you.
I wish you could hang out.Copy !req
158. - They have to leave?
- Yeah. They gotta go.Copy !req
159. They gotta do some charity work
over at the homeless shelter.Copy !req
160. - Really? They volunteer?
- Yeah.Copy !req
161. That's so sweet. You probably
don't have time to volunteer.Copy !req
162. Oh, no. I was there this
morning.Copy !req
163. - This morning around 5:30.
- Really?Copy !req
164. Every morning,
I try to put in the hours early.Copy !req
165. - That's amazing.
- Why don't we go to a movie?Copy !req
166. Or a film or whatever
we got coming up.Copy !req
167. Weekends too. I try to do
as much work as I can for...Copy !req
168. And now, Jake Steel:
Marionette Cop.Copy !req
169. It was Saturday night, 2 a.m.Copy !req
170. I was walking my beat...Copy !req
171. when I noticed an open
window at Shempkin's Market.Copy !req
172. Suddenly,
I spotted two punks...Copy !req
173. climbing out the window
with stolen groceries.Copy !req
174. - Freeze, dirtbags!
- See you later, copper.Copy !req
175. Oh, I'll be seeing you...Copy !req
176. in hell.Copy !req
177. I ain't going back
to the joint, pig!Copy !req
178. Oh, God.Copy !req
179. Oh, God.Copy !req
180. My legs!
I can't feel my legs!Copy !req
181. Gino!Copy !req
182. Gino!Copy !req
183. Get up, man! Get up!Copy !req
184. Oh, my God! You killed Gino!Copy !req
185. You stinking pig!Copy !req
186. You killed my baby brother!Copy !req
187. You dirty, stinking pig!Copy !req
188. I'm gonna kill you!Copy !req
189. Hello, Department of Sanitation?
This is Officer Jake Steel.Copy !req
190. Send a truck to Sixth and Main.Copy !req
191. I need you to pick up
some garbage.Copy !req
192. - I've gotta meet her.
- Down, boy.Copy !req
193. It's now or never.
I'm gonna introduce myself.Copy !req
194. Attention, shoppers.Copy !req
195. This man wants to make
an impression...Copy !req
196. but he's got dandruff.Copy !req
197. What?Copy !req
198. The only thing she'll do
when she sees you is flake out.Copy !req
199. - Stop talking like that.
- Like what?Copy !req
200. In that voice. Will you stop
speaking in that...Copy !req
201. stupid "funny" voice
all the time?Copy !req
202. News flash: This is how
hip and clever people talk.Copy !req
203. Yeah? Well, it's just stupid,
all right?Copy !req
204. Here she comes.Copy !req
205. - Hi.
- Hi.Copy !req
206. He shoots, he scores!Copy !req
207. Oops. Looks like somebody
noticed your dandruff.Copy !req
208. What she noticed is
how lame you are.Copy !req
209. - Hi. My name is Bob.
- Hi.Copy !req
210. I'm the amusing young friend who
teaches him all about dandruff.Copy !req
211. I'm really sorry about my
friend.Copy !req
212. - What's wrong with him?
- He's obsessed with dandruff.Copy !req
213. Are we having fun yet?Copy !req
214. For some reason,
he keeps speaking in these...Copy !req
215. irritating "funny" phrases.Copy !req
216. I just hate him so much
sometimes.Copy !req
217. Better beam me up, Scotty.
No intelligent life here.Copy !req
218. - Do you want to get some coffee?
- Yeah. I'd love to.Copy !req
219. Great.Copy !req
220. I don't think we're
in Kansas anymore.Copy !req
221. Hey, Mr. Wilson.Copy !req
222. You know why your wife left you?
You've got dandruff.Copy !req
223. Blue & White Dandruff Shampoo.Copy !req
224. We think this is the way
cool people talk.Copy !req
225. Use of this product
may result...Copy !req
226. in decreased sense of humor.Copy !req
227. Manufacturers not responsible
for loss of friends.Copy !req
228. The Ben Stiller Show...Copy !req
229. is brought to you
in part by Oliver Stoneland.Copy !req
230. And now, with more information
about the park...Copy !req
231. it's Oliver Stone!Copy !req
232. Start your day out
on Main Street, 1964...Copy !req
233. where the American dream died
just after Kennedy did.Copy !req
234. While you're at the park...Copy !req
235. take a trip down
Little Wall Street...Copy !req
236. where you have to avoid
the falling stockbrokers.Copy !req
237. Where's Charlie Sheen
when you need him?Copy !req
238. If you're in a really
adventurous mood...Copy !req
239. why not give the Born on the
Fourth of July Bumper Chairs...Copy !req
240. a go-round.Copy !req
241. It's 90 solid seconds
of clanking metal...Copy !req
242. and bitter regret.Copy !req
243. You need to ride this one
several times...Copy !req
244. to fully feel the frustration
and anguish of the Vietnam vet.Copy !req
245. Hey, quit it!Copy !req
246. I'm gonna get you!Copy !req
247. Or if you're in a different
mood, try Late '60s Land...Copy !req
248. where the atmosphere is
bitter and discontented...Copy !req
249. but the salad bar
is all you can eat.Copy !req
250. And coming in the fall of '94...Copy !req
251. experience the wonder
of the Hall of Conspiracies...Copy !req
252. where every hour...Copy !req
253. I'll expose the fabrications
of our government...Copy !req
254. through the use
of animatronic robots.Copy !req
255. We are through
the looking glass, people.Copy !req
256. Black is white
and white is black.Copy !req
257. Who did the president? Oh, man!Copy !req
258. It's a mystery wrapped inside a
riddle wrapped inside an enigma.Copy !req
259. Sure, they're only robots...Copy !req
260. but aren't we puppets tied
to the strings of corruption?Copy !req
261. And on your way out, have your
picture taken with Oscar...Copy !req
262. one of our highly
coveted pals.Copy !req
263. So come and enjoy the distortion
of reality that is...Copy !req
264. Oliver Stoneland!Copy !req
265. Why isn't he bald?
I told you people Oscar is bald.Copy !req
266. I know. I have six of them.Copy !req
267. I'm working with
incompetents here!Copy !req
268. I have a vision of this thing.
How come no one else can see it?Copy !req
269. I went to Vietnam. I'm not
afraid to kick butt here.Copy !req
270. Now, who's responsible? Get me
a razor. I'll shave him myself.Copy !req
271. We're back. Having a picnic
with Sarah Jessica Parker.Copy !req
272. I'm sorry to interrupt.Copy !req
273. I don't wanna ruin your
flow or anything...Copy !req
274. That's okay.Copy !req
275. I just wanna understand
the concept...Copy !req
276. because I'm sort of confused.Copy !req
277. I come on the show,
or you have a guest on the show.Copy !req
278. We come on and help you
introduce clips or movies...Copy !req
279. or whatever those things
you do are.Copy !req
280. - Right.
- And then, what?Copy !req
281. Like, we're supposed
to eat a big meal?Copy !req
282. No. Just this time,
we're having a little picnic.Copy !req
283. It's not like every time
we have a meal.Copy !req
284. I thought it would be
fun to do.Copy !req
285. And the show, it always takes
place out in the wilderness?Copy !req
286. No. Just this time,
we're doing it out in the woods.Copy !req
287. It wasn't even my idea.
The writers wanted to.Copy !req
288. Then where's the
rest of the cast?Copy !req
289. I was told I'd be working with a
bunch of people, not just you.Copy !req
290. It's not like we're alone.
It's not, like, just us.Copy !req
291. This is kind of like
America's here.Copy !req
292. We're having a picnic with you.Copy !req
293. It's like America's having
a picnic with you through me.Copy !req
294. I'm a vehicle for America—Copy !req
295. I didn't want to do this.
This was the writers' idea.Copy !req
296. I don't want to have
a picnic with you.Copy !req
297. I mean, not that I don't.Copy !req
298. I'd love to have
a picnic with you anytime.Copy !req
299. There's no pressure about that.
That's not what I mean.Copy !req
300. Do you want to have some...?Copy !req
301. I got Grecian chicken,
which is...Copy !req
302. - Do you like—?
- I'm not even hungry.Copy !req
303. Then don't eat it.
It's not even real.Copy !req
304. This is just all
fun props and...Copy !req
305. - Why don't we—?
- Weird.Copy !req
306. Let's go to a film.
Could we go to a little film?Copy !req
307. Oh, man. What a nightmare.Copy !req
308. Horrible.
Everything's gonna be destroyed.Copy !req
309. Keith and David...Copy !req
310. - Where is it?
- It's right over there.Copy !req
311. - Get out of the house.
- Is there anything I can do—?Copy !req
312. Get out! Now!Copy !req
313. I always forget that.Copy !req
314. Great!Copy !req
315. Baby gotta make a poo-poo? Huh?Copy !req
316. What a nice dog you've got.Copy !req
317. Thank you.
She's a real sweetheart.Copy !req
318. - Have a nice day.
- Yeah. I'll try.Copy !req
319. So anyways, I had a lot of
braces and I loved licorice...Copy !req
320. and I always looked like
this...Copy !req
321. in high school.
"Hi, I'm Andy. How are you?"Copy !req
322. Sarah, I got the Frisbee.
Sarah, I got it.Copy !req
323. Hi, Ben.Copy !req
324. They aren't bothering you,
are they?Copy !req
325. - No. They're hilarious.
- Yeah, yeah, they're great.Copy !req
326. We're getting together next week
to play volleyball or something.Copy !req
327. Ben, you left.
We had to keep the show going.Copy !req
328. Do you wanna go?
You wanna go play? Should we—?Copy !req
329. Maybe in a second.
I want Andy to finish his story.Copy !req
330. Could you wait, please?Copy !req
331. They need you
at the soup kitchen.Copy !req
332. It's chicken noodle today.Copy !req
333. I had the headgear too, right?
But I never wore it.Copy !req
334. Who wore it? You know?Copy !req
335. Well, good. Show's going good.
Everybody's having fun.Copy !req
336. That's what it's all about.
Everybody having fun.Copy !req
337. I'm gonna go play on my own.Copy !req
338. There are a lot of Frisbee games
you can play on your own.Copy !req
339. You throw it right up
in the wind. It's not easy.Copy !req
340. - You are adorable.
- Thank you, Sarah.Copy !req
341. It's time once again for
Ask Manson...Copy !req
342. starring America's favorite
answer man, Charles Manson.Copy !req
343. Our first letter comes from...Copy !req
344. Beth Del Monte
from Wichita, Kansas.Copy !req
345. Dear Charles, I have
three rambunctious children.Copy !req
346. How do you remove a tomato
stain from a Persian rug?Copy !req
347. You can't get a stain out.
You think I'm the stain.Copy !req
348. They say Charlie is a stain.Copy !req
349. They try to rub me out
and put me in a jail cell.Copy !req
350. Only, you just spread
me around more.Copy !req
351. I'm inside your children. I'm
a stain out there in the world.Copy !req
352. I'm not just locked up.
You're locked up in the prison.Copy !req
353. I'm free. I'm fly— I'm...Copy !req
354. floating around
and looking around.Copy !req
355. I like it up here.Copy !req
356. You should try some lemon juice.Copy !req
357. Ask Manson was brought to you
by Happy Children's Toys.Copy !req
358. Fun for all ages.Copy !req
359. That's it. We're out of time.Copy !req
360. I wanna thank my guest,
Sarah Jessica Parker.Copy !req
361. Thank you. I have to tell you,
your cast is so funny.Copy !req
362. They're the funniest people
I have ever met.Copy !req
363. Actually, it's funny
you should bring that up...Copy !req
364. because I was gonna ask you,
and now's a good time...Copy !req
365. I'd love to have you
as a cast member...Copy !req
366. - No.
- ... on the show.Copy !req
367. Okay, I was joking, actually.Copy !req
368. - Just kidding around.
- No.Copy !req
369. No, no, no. I know.
Of course, I wouldn't even...Copy !req
370. Seriously, if you ever wanted
to hang out sometime—Copy !req
371. Listen, I really have to go.
But it was nice to meet you...Copy !req
372. and good luck
with everything. Bye.Copy !req
373. Killed on national TV.Copy !req
374. Why don't you tell
another licorice story, Andy?Copy !req
375. - What's the matter, Ben?
- What's that mean?Copy !req
376. I guess
I'll see you guys next week.Copy !req
377. - Get him a glass of water.
- You lightheaded?Copy !req
378. Somebody get this man a shower.Copy !req
379. - Is there a shower out here?
- Yeah, cold shower for Ben.Copy !req
380. Hello?Copy !req
381. He's not here right now,
but he'll be back shortly.Copy !req
382. Can I take a message for him?Copy !req
383. Okay.Copy !req
384. Yeah.Copy !req
385. At 4? Okay.Copy !req
386. And anything else?Copy !req
387. No, I can remember.
I'll tell him. Sure.Copy !req
388. Cut.Copy !req