1. Welcome to the show.
I'm Ben Stiller.Copy !req
2. This week we're coming
to you from hip...Copy !req
3. trendy Melrose Avenue...Copy !req
4. the inspiration
for Melrose Place.Copy !req
5. Fox has decided they want
all their shows...Copy !req
6. to come from Melrose.Copy !req
7. They want The Simpsons taking
place on Melrose Avenue...Copy !req
8. COPS to be all
on Melrose andCopy !req
9. Living Color will be
Melrose Living Color.Copy !req
10. Watch this,
and we'll be right back.Copy !req
11. This week on Skank...Copy !req
12. I love bacon.
Burn, pig, burn!Copy !req
13. Don't get too close
to that hot grease.Copy !req
14. Honey, shut your
stinking— My eyes!Copy !req
15. - I see nothing!
- Skank!Copy !req
16. Everything's turned topsy-turvy
when Skank goes blind.Copy !req
17. It's out of the frying pan
and into the laughter...Copy !req
18. when the whole family has
some eggshell-walking to do.Copy !req
19. Hey, Dad, have you seen
my sunglasses?Copy !req
20. Mom, get him off me!Copy !req
21. And Skank starts to lose touch:Copy !req
22. Honey, refresh my memory.Copy !req
23. What color are sneezes?Copy !req
24. So Doris comes up with a crazy
scheme to cheer Skank up.Copy !req
25. Honey, guess who's here.
It's Todd Bridges.Copy !req
26. Hey, Skank. I heard you used
to watch me on TV.Copy !req
27. Yeah. Watch TV.Copy !req
28. V. Vision. Television.Copy !req
29. I'm blind, you idiot!Copy !req
30. And then it's Todd to
the toe-tapping rescue.Copy !req
31. Honey, you keep him busy
while I call the cops.Copy !req
32. Kick off your shoes,
because this sock's on Fox!Copy !req
33. Honey, I can't see your stinking
trap, but I know it ain't shut!Copy !req
34. Skank.Copy !req
35. We get these calls
at Red Sea Beach...Copy !req
36. about six or
seven times a week.Copy !req
37. Some religious fanatics...Copy !req
38. claiming they're
the chosen people...Copy !req
39. attempting to defy the laws
of nature in some way.Copy !req
40. It's too bad. This used to be
a good neighborhood.Copy !req
41. - Jeez, there's the nutjob!
- All right, let's go, Johnny!Copy !req
42. Behold the hand of God!Copy !req
43. Let the waters part
for the children of Israel!Copy !req
44. - Yo! Show's over!
- Hey. Maestro, over here.Copy !req
45. - Come over here.
- Get over here.Copy !req
46. - What do you want from me?
- Come here.Copy !req
47. All right, what's going on here?Copy !req
48. - I am parting the Red Sea.
- You got a permit for that?Copy !req
49. - Yes.
- Then cough it up.Copy !req
50. - Got a permit?
- I mean, no. The Lord has it.Copy !req
51. - He has commanded it.
- Yeah, right.Copy !req
52. Yes or no? You're trying to part
the sea. We saw you.Copy !req
53. Yes and no.
The answer is yes and no.Copy !req
54. Listen to me. Come here.Copy !req
55. Hey, you got about 40,000 people
on the other side of that ridge.Copy !req
56. You saying you're responsible
for each one of them?Copy !req
57. Because someone so much as
litters, I gotta take you in.Copy !req
58. Hey, look what I found.
You believe this guy?Copy !req
59. What are these about?Copy !req
60. In the name of the Lord,
leave those alone.Copy !req
61. We got a burning bush
over here!Copy !req
62. - Run, Sarah!
- Where you going? Get back here!Copy !req
63. Listen. I'm gonna give you
one more shot.Copy !req
64. Take these people,
turn them around...Copy !req
65. take them back
where you came from.Copy !req
66. I implore you to heed me.Copy !req
67. The blood of the Hebrews
will make...Copy !req
68. no more mortar
for the Egyptians.Copy !req
69. Hey, Pops, listen to me.
I don't care about that.Copy !req
70. All I'm saying is,
you can't be here right now.Copy !req
71. - You can't be here.
- But—Copy !req
72. No buts. That's it.Copy !req
73. You gotta take it,
move it out, okay?Copy !req
74. Hold it in the name of Ramses!Copy !req
75. Run, Sarah. Don't listen to him.Copy !req
76. - Why you running?
- We worship the golden calf.Copy !req
77. Not your buddy parting
the water back there?Copy !req
78. Where'd you get
the calf?Copy !req
79. - Found it.
- Made it.Copy !req
80. Which is it?Copy !req
81. We found the materials and made
it with... What we found.Copy !req
82. Get up the hill!Copy !req
83. I'm too old for this.
Get up.Copy !req
84. - Don't beat Sarah!
- Get up the hill!Copy !req
85. Don't you beat—Copy !req
86. You've got to understand
where I'm coming from.Copy !req
87. I gotta chase you around all
day. You think I like that?Copy !req
88. I'm warning you.
Do not anger the Lord, our God.Copy !req
89. Let me tell you something.
Your pal here says...Copy !req
90. you've been drinking
while prophesizing.Copy !req
91. That's a felony,
my friend.Copy !req
92. - That's right, Popeye.
- You have been warned!Copy !req
93. So have you.
I'm taking you in.Copy !req
94. Let's go build
some pyramids, buddy.Copy !req
95. What the—? Holy mother of...Copy !req
96. Who will be next
to feel the Lord's wrath?Copy !req
97. He must be the chosen one.
The Lord speaks through Moses!Copy !req
98. This guy, he's obviously
hopped up on something...Copy !req
99. so I'm gonna go
messenger for backup.Copy !req
100. We'll get him locked up,
but in 48 hours...Copy !req
101. he'll be out here
doing the same thing.Copy !req
102. That was my partner, so...Copy !req
103. But, you know,
it's part of the business.Copy !req
104. I'm getting out of here.Copy !req
105. Welcome back. We're hanging out
here on Melrose...Copy !req
106. with my friend Bob Odenkirk.Copy !req
107. Hi. This is a cool place.
Very hip.Copy !req
108. Yeah, definitely hip.Copy !req
109. Most of the people who walk
down the street...Copy !req
110. are probably fans
of your show.Copy !req
111. I don't know...Copy !req
112. Seriously, because the show
is hip too. And cool.Copy !req
113. This would be a good chance
to talk to your audience...Copy !req
114. and find out what they like
and don't like about the show...Copy !req
115. and detail it
to their wishes.Copy !req
116. - Yeah, maybe sometime—
- There's some ladies here too—Copy !req
117. No. Bob...Copy !req
118. - Hi. I'm Bob Odenkirk. Hi.
- Hi.Copy !req
119. This gentleman would like
to ask you a question.Copy !req
120. - No, I don't want to ask—
- Come on, don't be shy.Copy !req
121. Have you seen The Ben Stiller
Show? I was wondering...Copy !req
122. - Who?
- What is that?Copy !req
123. - It's a comedy show on Fox.
- Ben who?Copy !req
124. Forget it. Not a good idea.Copy !req
125. Let's just watch another
Fox show, okay?Copy !req
126. They obviously haven't
seen our show.Copy !req
127. Ask them about books they read.Copy !req
128. Come on, I just want
to talk to some women.Copy !req
129. Exactly. You just want—
You don't need me for that.Copy !req
130. Do you watch any TV?Copy !req
131. - All the time.
- Really?Copy !req
132. - Yeah.
- What do you like?Copy !req
133. And now, Ben Stiller's Music
News with Tabitha Soren.Copy !req
134. This is a special music video
update.Copy !req
135. The censorship battle over rap
star Ice Man McGee's...Copy !req
136. latest release is heating up.Copy !req
137. A Los Angeles man by
the name of Doug Szathkey...Copy !req
138. is protesting Ice Man's
new hit single...Copy !req
139. "Kill Doug Szathkey."Copy !req
140. Mr. Szathkey, who happens to be
Ice Man's neighbor...Copy !req
141. claims the lyrics
are disturbing...Copy !req
142. and potentially dangerous...Copy !req
143. and called for a nationwide
boycott of the album.Copy !req
144. We have received a special
advance copy of the video.Copy !req
145. You decide.Copy !req
146. Mr. Szathkey granted us an
exclusive interview...Copy !req
147. at his home in Los Angeles.Copy !req
148. What did I do?Copy !req
149. I mean, I know he has the right
to say anything...Copy !req
150. but I'm gonna get
killed here.Copy !req
151. I gotta move. This is not a good
place. You should get out too.Copy !req
152. Oh, God! He's got a gun!
Oh, God!Copy !req
153. Oh, no!Copy !req
154. Leave me alone!Copy !req
155. Ice Man McGee held a press
conference...Copy !req
156. to respond to the charges.Copy !req
157. It's like I'm saying. It's just
censorship, straight up.Copy !req
158. I would like to make it clear
that when I said...Copy !req
159. "Kill Doug Szathkey"...Copy !req
160. I was using street
terminology...Copy !req
161. to describe a situation
from my life.Copy !req
162. When you misinterpret my words,
all y'all dis me...Copy !req
163. you dis my fans...Copy !req
164. and you dis the
United States Constitution.Copy !req
165. And that's the real crime.Copy !req
166. Peace. We out of here.Copy !req
167. The record company has agreed
to release the album...Copy !req
168. with the following
warning label:Copy !req
169. "Manufacturer
does not condone...Copy !req
170. the killing,
or in any way harming...Copy !req
171. of Doug Szathkey,
but instead wishes Doug...Copy !req
172. a long, healthy
and fulfilling life."Copy !req
173. This has been a music video
update brought to you by:Copy !req
174. Yummy Gummy Auto Parts, the
auto-part-shaped chewy candy...Copy !req
175. with a burst
of real fruit juice.Copy !req
176. It's really good
sparkling water.Copy !req
177. We're here at one of the hip
Melrose Avenue restaurants...Copy !req
178. having a good time—Copy !req
179. - You ready to order?
- Yeah. Andy?Copy !req
180. You know what sounds good
is the Tyne Daly veggie kabob.Copy !req
181. Good. Janeane?Copy !req
182. I'll have the
Adam West Cajun bites.Copy !req
183. I'm going to have
the Gary Coleman gazpacho.Copy !req
184. I'm not hungry. I'm just gonna
have more Ice-T ice tea.Copy !req
185. - That's good, that's good.
- Great.Copy !req
186. Good meal coming up.
We'll be right back.Copy !req
187. - Yeah.
- Know what I mean?Copy !req
188. I don't like filming
on this street.Copy !req
189. It's Melrose—Copy !req
190. Creeps me out.
These people are freaks.Copy !req
191. They want us to be hip.Copy !req
192. They have brass rings in places
where you should not poke holes.Copy !req
193. - Well, Andy—
- I'm always watching my back.Copy !req
194. It's very, very scary.
People are walking like this:Copy !req
195. - You know, like robots.
- Calm down, all right?Copy !req
196. - I'm freaked out.
- Nothing to be frightened of.Copy !req
197. There are worse things
to be scared of.Copy !req
198. - Let's walk faster.
- Okay.Copy !req
199. You're looking at late-night
shock jock Damien Faustman...Copy !req
200. a man who hates
his listeners...Copy !req
201. almost as much as
he hates himself.Copy !req
202. Tonight he'll learn that
it doesn't take...Copy !req
203. a lot of expensive
special effects...Copy !req
204. or an original story line...Copy !req
205. to come face to face
with his worst nightmare:Copy !req
206. His soul.Copy !req
207. On Low Budget Tales
of Clichéd Horror.Copy !req
208. It's 2:15 a.m.,
Tri-City area...Copy !req
209. it's time for
the man you love to hate.Copy !req
210. He's taking your calls
and he's mad as hell.Copy !req
211. At 666-DVIL,
it's Damien Faustman.Copy !req
212. It's 2:15,
and I'm Damien Faustman.Copy !req
213. What are you doing awake?
I hate you all.Copy !req
214. Almost as much as I hate myself.Copy !req
215. Line one.Copy !req
216. I just wanna say
I love your show—Copy !req
217. Shut up. I hate you.Copy !req
218. - Line two.
- What's your problem, Faustman?Copy !req
219. What did you do, sell your soul
to the devil or something?Copy !req
220. - Line three.
- Damien, I'm 16...Copy !req
221. and I'm feeling really
depressed and confused—Copy !req
222. Go kill yourself.
Don't waste my time.Copy !req
223. Don't worry.
No one will miss you.Copy !req
224. We'll be back with more
of your miserable calls...Copy !req
225. right after this.Copy !req
226. I gotta quit these things.Copy !req
227. Jeez, it's hot in here.
Damn air conditioning.Copy !req
228. Faustman! It's time.Copy !req
229. Who said that?Copy !req
230. Crazy kids.Copy !req
231. All right, we're back,
and you're still calling.Copy !req
232. How pathetic.
Line six.Copy !req
233. How hot do you think
it is in hell?Copy !req
234. I don't know. Why don't you
ask your mother? Line four.Copy !req
235. You leave my mother
out of this!Copy !req
236. You're all alone now, Damien.
Feeling warm?Copy !req
237. 666, what a coincidence.
Time is running out.Copy !req
238. Look at your friend now.Copy !req
239. Do I have to come
right out and say it?Copy !req
240. Those crazy kids!Copy !req
241. - Line one.
- Damien, this is Angelica.Copy !req
242. Didn't you get it when I broke
up with you? I hate you!Copy !req
243. Almost as much as
you hate yourself?Copy !req
244. Oh, Damien, I love you.
Let's go away.Copy !req
245. Like when we went to that cabin
in the mountains.Copy !req
246. Things can be good again.Copy !req
247. You've got to believe
that they can.Copy !req
248. Crank call.Copy !req
249. - Line two.
- Good one, Faustman.Copy !req
250. I never liked the mountains
anyway. Too chilly.Copy !req
251. Why don't you just
show yourself, face to face?Copy !req
252. Yes, well, I'd love to.Copy !req
253. But I think it'll be a lot
scarier for you...Copy !req
254. to imagine what I look like.Copy !req
255. There's horns on your poster.
I wonder what that means.Copy !req
256. Your "On the Air" sign
is getting red. Interesting.Copy !req
257. Time's still running out,
Faustman.Copy !req
258. It's getting so hot in here.
Here at WDVL.Copy !req
259. Get it? Pleased to meet you,
won't you guess my name?Copy !req
260. - Line one!
- Have a little sympathy for me!Copy !req
261. - Those crazy kids! I hate them!
- As much as you hate yourself?Copy !req
262. I will not go with you to hell!Copy !req
263. Go with me?Copy !req
264. News flash:
You're already in hell!Copy !req
265. - Welcome to hell, Faustman.
- That's it?Copy !req
266. - This is it?
- Pretty scary, huh?Copy !req
267. Yeah. Yeah, I guess. I mean...Copy !req
268. What do you mean,
"Yeah, I guess"?Copy !req
269. I've been dropping hints at you
for over an hour now.Copy !req
270. This is it.
Your own personal hell.Copy !req
271. I work with what I got.
Look at the clock.Copy !req
272. It's got blood on it.Copy !req
273. You don't see that every day.Copy !req
274. It scares me,
and I thought it up.Copy !req
275. Yeah, right. Sure. I bet.Copy !req
276. Hey, could you stop that,
please?Copy !req
277. Please, because
I'm getting sick...Copy !req
278. and it's really—
It's enough already with that.Copy !req
279. I really— I feel like I should
fall into a fiery pit...Copy !req
280. I should get engulfed
by something.Copy !req
281. There should be
something more...Copy !req
282. Insects should eat me
or something.Copy !req
283. I feel this is...Copy !req
284. Is it just this? I mean...Copy !req
285. I'm not even hot, you know?Copy !req
286. Look. We are in a recession.
I am on a budget.Copy !req
287. Damien Faustman,
a man who has just learned...Copy !req
288. that terror doesn't
have to have a high price tag.Copy !req
289. Especially when the thing
you hate most is your—Copy !req
290. Self. I know. I hate myself.
I mean, come on.Copy !req
291. I think we've beat that one
into the ground. This is just—Copy !req
292. Anybody got an iced tea
or something?Copy !req
293. I mean... This is not really—Copy !req
294. This didn't work out too well.Copy !req
295. Now, Janeane, you're the perfect
Melrose Avenue resident.Copy !req
296. - Thank you.
- You got the look happening.Copy !req
297. You're very stylish, very hip.Copy !req
298. Well, yeah, I've got
the clothes and stuff...Copy !req
299. but I want to say I'm not
just completely surface...Copy !req
300. and I'd like to appeal
to the Melrose kids.Copy !req
301. Don't just work out these.Copy !req
302. You gotta work
this muscle out too.Copy !req
303. Read a book every
once in a while.Copy !req
304. Might give you information
you might need.Copy !req
305. You did well in school?
You were a good student?Copy !req
306. - No. Not at all.
- No. See?Copy !req
307. - Me neither. I just never—
- Never cracked a book.Copy !req
308. Yeah, that's me.
I never cracked a book.Copy !req
309. - That's why I'm doing this.
- Cliffs Notes.Copy !req
310. Know what I'm saying?Copy !req
311. Where am I?Copy !req
312. Why, in the house of
General George Washington.Copy !req
313. But who are you?
And where do you come from?Copy !req
314. George Washington?Copy !req
315. 1776.Copy !req
316. Redcoats. Minutemen!Copy !req
317. Why, the old professor
wasn't crazy after all.Copy !req
318. His old time machine
really works!Copy !req
319. Coming this fall: Meet
a new kind of time traveler.Copy !req
320. She's just an ordinary citizen
like you and me.Copy !req
321. If you have indeed
traversed time,Copy !req
322. you'll know every strategy and
battle of the conflict to come.Copy !req
323. The revolution is won!Copy !req
324. Well, sir, actually,
all I remember is...Copy !req
325. redcoats, minutemen...Copy !req
326. and you have wooden teeth.Copy !req
327. Well, tell me something
I don't know.Copy !req
328. Didn't you study
American history?Copy !req
329. Yeah, but I wasn't
a freak about it.Copy !req
330. Well, that's great.
That's just great.Copy !req
331. Sorry!Copy !req
332. B-minus Time Traveler.Copy !req
333. With nothing but
a B-minus average...Copy !req
334. from an
American public school...Copy !req
335. she plunges through
space and time,Copy !req
336. helping whomever she can...Copy !req
337. with her vague, sketchy
knowledge of American history.Copy !req
338. Come on, Stacey,
shake those cobwebs loose!Copy !req
339. July 7, 1941, a day
that will live in infamy.Copy !req
340. September 12, 1941,
a day that will live in—Copy !req
341. Come on, General MacArthur,
they both sound right!Copy !req
342. How could you forget the date
Pearl Harbor was bombed?Copy !req
343. Well, it's super easy
to cheat in that class...Copy !req
344. because we had
this system rigged...Copy !req
345. where you would
write it on your arm.Copy !req
346. She was always the one
who asked...Copy !req
347. "Why do we need
to know this stuff?"Copy !req
348. Well, now she has her answer.Copy !req
349. Look, Mr. Columbus,
one of your ships gets lost.Copy !req
350. Either the Niña or the Pinta.Copy !req
351. I should not have cut Spanish.Copy !req
352. Crash-o ship-o bye-bye!Copy !req
353. It's an endless pop quiz.Copy !req
354. And now she wishes
she'd done the reading.Copy !req
355. Why am I crossing the Delaware?Copy !req
356. Am I attacking? Am I retreating?
Just give me something here.Copy !req
357. Possibly retreating.
I don't remember.Copy !req
358. Oh, well, that's
a great attitude.Copy !req
359. That really helps me a lot.Copy !req
360. Look, I know you got
to bring more shoes.Copy !req
361. Enough. Everything is shoes
and teeth with you!Copy !req
362. Just give me a fact, a date,
something.Copy !req
363. Listen to me. When I was
studying this in school...Copy !req
364. I was trying to get
my driver's permit...Copy !req
365. cramming for those
stupid SATs...Copy !req
366. I had a million things
on my mind.Copy !req
367. For heaven's sake, keep trying.Copy !req
368. If you can't
remember that date...Copy !req
369. this could be
the greatest disaster since...Copy !req
370. Washington capsized in the
Delaware with all those shoes.Copy !req
371. B-minus Time Traveler.Copy !req
372. She never thought
she'd be tested on this.Copy !req
373. - Stop yelling at me.
- If you're the future, I quit.Copy !req
374. I'm out of here.Copy !req
375. Arrivederci Records
is proud to present...Copy !req
376. the debut of Mr. Tito
Gallegos, the pig Latin lover.Copy !req
377. Order this
two-record set now...Copy !req
378. and find out what the rest
of the world already knows:Copy !req
379. Nobody sings songs of love
in pig LatinCopy !req
380. the way Tito Gallegos does.Copy !req
381. Listen as Tito brings Broadway
into your home.Copy !req
382. This rare collection
is available...Copy !req
383. only through
this TV offer...Copy !req
384. but for a limited time.Copy !req
385. Feel the fire,
feel the passion...Copy !req
386. and feel the spirit
of this unique balladeer.Copy !req
387. So order now...Copy !req
388. and discover why pig Latin
is the lost language of love.Copy !req
389. All-cay ow-nay. All ajor-may
edit-cray ards-cay accepted!Copy !req
390. Well, that's about it.
We're out of time.Copy !req
391. Did the whole Melrose thing this
week, but nobody really changed.Copy !req
392. We've learned
to be ourselves and...Copy !req
393. - I'll stick around.
- Andy, what are you doing?Copy !req
394. I love it here.
This place is great.Copy !req
395. - It's Melrose.
- I can't believe you.Copy !req
396. What is this hat you're wearing?Copy !req
397. What are you doing? It's mine.Copy !req
398. - What are you, Mr. Hip, cool...?
- I'm Melrose, Ben. I'm Andy.Copy !req
399. I thought you were afraid
of getting things pierced.Copy !req
400. Get off it.
These are just people.Copy !req
401. Hey, my ride's leaving.
I gotta get going.Copy !req
402. - Hey, hang on, girls.
- Wait a minute. Andy!Copy !req
403. Hang on a second.Copy !req
404. No—Copy !req
405. - Do you know him?
- Let's go!Copy !req
406. - Go ahead, he's—
- Go for it!Copy !req
407. Wait. Andy? Andy, I was joking!Copy !req
408. Who is that girl?
Do you know her?Copy !req
409. - Yeah.
- Where are they going?Copy !req
410. I'm sorry.Copy !req
411. I guess I'll see you next week,
huh? Yeah.Copy !req
412. I've got Martha on my back.Copy !req
413. You don't want Martha
on your back.Copy !req
414. That's something
you don't want to deal with.Copy !req
415. Cut.Copy !req