1. - Skank. Skank. Skank.
- Skank.Copy !req
2. Relax.Copy !req
3. And now, through the holy
miracle of television...Copy !req
4. it's America's favorite talk
Zoo TV Late At Night.Copy !req
5. —about the glitz
and the glamour.Copy !req
6. With the world's
most watchable band, U2.Copy !req
7. Now the man who eats
the green cloversCopy !req
8. but refuses to eat
the yellow stars:Copy !req
9. Bono!Copy !req
10. I got friends out there
with ice picks.Copy !req
11. Thank you! Thank you!Copy !req
12. Great crowd we got tonight.Copy !req
13. What happened? Did the bus from
Jeopardy! break down again?Copy !req
14. Thank you. But I'll tell you—
Thank you!Copy !req
15. In the time it takes you
to stop applauding...Copy !req
16. they've dumped 17,000 tons
of waste into the North Sea.Copy !req
17. Don't flash that applause
sign again...Copy !req
18. or you'll kill
every duck in Belfast.Copy !req
19. Larry!Copy !req
20. That's a cue.Copy !req
21. Rock 'n' roll doggy. Yeah!Copy !req
22. Alright. Now let's
say hello toCopy !req
23. the master of the jangling
six-string:Copy !req
24. The Edge!Copy !req
25. Looks like about 14 cows were
slaughtered in outfittingCopy !req
26. The Edge tonight.Copy !req
27. That's 14 cows less that
are polluting the ozoneCopy !req
28. with their methane gases.Copy !req
29. Ouch! Edge is hot tonight.
Can't be messing with him.Copy !req
30. This is the section
of the crowd over here...Copy !req
31. that would've voted
for the fat Bono stamp. Yeah!Copy !req
32. Vote for it.
Exercise your right.Copy !req
33. Alright. Edge, play the blues.Copy !req
34. Tonight, in the Zoo, we've got
some very funky cats.Copy !req
35. Our special guest tonight,
Mr. George Jefferson himself:Copy !req
36. Sherman Hemsley.Copy !req
37. So let's get down.
Let's get frisky.Copy !req
38. Let's get absolutely busy!Copy !req
39. How you doing?
I'm Ben Stiller.Copy !req
40. We're coming to you
from a steam room—Copy !req
41. I'll tell them why. Because Fox
is a hot network, man...Copy !req
42. Watch, it'll make you
lose weight.Copy !req
43. Fox is so hot, I can't breathe.Copy !req
44. - Hey, Janeane, how are you?
- Hi.Copy !req
45. We canceled
the steam-room sketch...Copy !req
46. so you thought you'd
host from here?Copy !req
47. Alright, let's go
to our first piece.Copy !req
48. - Just grab a robe and go.
- I don't think so.Copy !req
49. - I love you.
- I love you too.Copy !req
50. I don't think so.Copy !req
51. It's time once again
for Otto, the Anti-Cupid.Copy !req
52. Growing up in the shadow of his
younger brother, Cupid...Copy !req
53. Otto, embittered and
enraged, dedicated his life...Copy !req
54. to forcing people to fall in
love with the wrong person.Copy !req
55. Benjamin Bradley, 28 years old.Copy !req
56. Likes sports, the theater,
being in the great outdoors...Copy !req
57. or inside by the fire,
reading a good book.Copy !req
58. Looks like a man
in search of love to me.Copy !req
59. There's a lovely one.
She's a beauty.Copy !req
60. Cupid's perfect match.Copy !req
61. Too bad I'm not Cupid...Copy !req
62. and I'm filled
with hatred and rage.Copy !req
63. Alright, ladies, time for love.Copy !req
64. - Hi there.
- Hello, young man.Copy !req
65. No, I mean... Hi there.
I'm Benjamin.Copy !req
66. My name is
Gertrude Anderson.Copy !req
67. - You're beautiful.
- I'm 78 years old.Copy !req
68. The things you must know.Copy !req
69. I'm sorry?Copy !req
70. Teach me, Gert.Copy !req
71. - Take me to school.
- Young man!Copy !req
72. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Gert!Copy !req
73. I'm moving too fast.
I know. I can go slower.Copy !req
74. Really. I've done that too.Copy !req
75. Whatever your game is,
Gert, I'll play it.Copy !req
76. Police! Police! Help!
Help! Police!Copy !req
77. Oh, yeah.Copy !req
78. - Can I help you?
- Yes. Yes, you can.Copy !req
79. I'd like to see Gertrude,
please.Copy !req
80. Oh, dear! That's the man
from the park.Copy !req
81. Make him go away!Copy !req
82. I don't know what kind of sick
thrills you get from this.Copy !req
83. This is a retirement home,
not a playground for perverts.Copy !req
84. She's expecting me!
You don't understand!Copy !req
85. Didn't get enough attention
from your grandparents?Copy !req
86. Gertrude, please, just hear me
out! I love you!Copy !req
87. "I love you."
That is rich.Copy !req
88. I know we can make it work.
We just both have to want it...Copy !req
89. - I know you can hear me!
- That does it. You're out...Copy !req
90. People like you make
this world horrible.Copy !req
91. Don't worry. He'll find
love again.Copy !req
92. - You have the bluest eyes.
- What?Copy !req
93. - Do you ski?
- Get out of here!Copy !req
94. I love my life.Copy !req
95. Next week on Otto, the
Anti-Cupid:Copy !req
96. Wait! Wait!Copy !req
97. I love you.
I really love you.Copy !req
98. I do. I don't care
what my friends say.Copy !req
99. Doomed souls wander the earth,
unfit for heaven or hell.Copy !req
100. And they're waiting
to talk to you!Copy !req
101. It's Kreepee Board!Copy !req
102. Kreepee Board! Just lay your
hands on the pointer...Copy !req
103. and let the spooks
do the rest.Copy !req
104. I am in Todd!Copy !req
105. Alright, gang,
cookie break.Copy !req
106. Kreepee!Copy !req
107. No, no! My baby!Copy !req
108. Feel the cold hand of a loved
one on your neck with Kreepee.Copy !req
109. Some assembly required.
Manufacturers are not...Copy !req
110. responsible for the eternal
damnation of souls.Copy !req
111. Kreepee Board by Funnerz!Copy !req
112. Letterman's out of there.
The guy is defective.Copy !req
113. It's history. It's old news.Copy !req
114. You'll be stuck without a
paddle, saying...Copy !req
115. why couldn't I help you out?Copy !req
116. I'm telling you, Willie, Tyler
and Lester can host a show.Copy !req
117. One's a dummy, one's
a ventriloquist...Copy !req
118. but they can ask questions.Copy !req
119. This is great. We'll sit
with it. Okay, alright.Copy !req
120. Michael, I've been looking,
for an agent for a long time.Copy !req
121. I just wanna make sure that
I'm making the right decision.Copy !req
122. Get out of here. Go see every
other agent, then come back.Copy !req
123. You know you're gonna come back.Copy !req
124. I've always loved— I'm a kid.
I've always loved superheroes.Copy !req
125. I came up with this
superhero character...Copy !req
126. but my power would be having
an incredible sense of smell.Copy !req
127. Stop. No, really.
Just wait a minute.Copy !req
128. Have you been coming in here,
sneaking through my papers?Copy !req
129. Or were you electrocuted and you
got psychic-something happening?Copy !req
130. I'm not kidding, six days ago,
I wrote down, for no reason...Copy !req
131. not even knowing
I was going to meet you:Copy !req
132. Howie Mandel. Smell. Superhero.Copy !req
133. - You like the idea?
- Like it? Give me a taste.Copy !req
134. Well, I would:
And I would continue—Copy !req
135. And I'd pick up the:Copy !req
136. Find the crime.Copy !req
137. There... There's a...
A mastermind.Copy !req
138. A criminal—Copy !req
139. Smell the crime.Copy !req
140. He's gonna overtake the world.
I smell something.Copy !req
141. I smell— Like that.
It would be like that.Copy !req
142. Wow. Can I just say I smelled it
just then with you?Copy !req
143. I mean, I'm not kidding you.Copy !req
144. I don't know if this is a scary
thing, but it's scary and funny.Copy !req
145. I see it as St. Elsewhere meets
the Wonder Woman kind of—Copy !req
146. You're my favorite client.
I haven't even signed you yet.Copy !req
147. - I will sign.
- This is why I got in business.Copy !req
148. To meet people like you.Copy !req
149. Go, "We're gonna
do that together."Copy !req
150. I'm excited. I'll call you in
the morning to get the papers.Copy !req
151. You know what I smell?
I smell something.Copy !req
152. I smell the beginning
of a long something.Copy !req
153. - This is gonna be great.
- Hey, Howie, stay healthy.Copy !req
154. That nose is
a gold mine now, right?Copy !req
155. Jennifer, Howie Mandel, he puts
the glove on this head, right?Copy !req
156. Or does he hit the fruit
with the hammer?Copy !req
157. Hey, welcome back.Copy !req
158. This might be a good opportunity
to thank our sponsors...Copy !req
159. the backbone of the show.Copy !req
160. We never tell them how much
we appreciate their support.Copy !req
161. We use all the products
that we sell.Copy !req
162. For instance, my teeth are
as white as these tiles.Copy !req
163. My toupee stays on
even in water!Copy !req
164. My corns have all dissolved.Copy !req
165. The food is fast and delicious!Copy !req
166. Thanks. Remember, buy
those products.Copy !req
167. They're good, and
they really do work.Copy !req
168. It's time once again for a
30-second conspiracy theory.Copy !req
169. John F. Kennedy was assassinated
for one reason: Because he...Copy !req
170. was obsessed with
the dream of...Copy !req
171. mass-producing
an electric car.Copy !req
172. When the heads of the
corporations found out...Copy !req
173. about his dream they sent
a lone gunman to Dallas.Copy !req
174. He drove there without
stopping for gas once...Copy !req
175. because he was driving
in an electric car.Copy !req
176. With the death of
John Kennedy...Copy !req
177. so died the dreams
of the electric car.Copy !req
178. But it was reborn in his son,
Robert Kennedy, and died again.Copy !req
179. And now the hopes and dreams
of the electric car...Copy !req
180. live on only in me.Copy !req
181. I will be assassinated
on July 5, 1994...Copy !req
182. by Lee Harvey Oswald III.Copy !req
183. He'll be driving
an electric car.Copy !req
184. The manatee is a slow,
lumbering, docile creature...Copy !req
185. swimming majestically in the
filthy toilet man has created.Copy !req
186. We blow chunks into their home,
rape their environment.Copy !req
187. - We are committing genocide!
- Cut.Copy !req
188. He's fatigued from
the expedition...Copy !req
189. perhaps a little
punch-drunk.Copy !req
190. Jacques, time is money.
Let's just do this again.Copy !req
191. Money? How much dollars
will it take to clean the ocean?Copy !req
192. - Let's do it again.
- Re-cuing.Copy !req
193. Monsieur Limon, please read
the script in your hands.Copy !req
194. Pierre, this is my 85th special.Copy !req
195. I know what I am doing.Copy !req
196. - He'll be fine.
- He better be.Copy !req
197. The manatee is a slow,
lumbering, docile creature...Copy !req
198. that roams the depths
of the sea...Copy !req
199. searching in vain
for a sweet lover.Copy !req
200. I need a woman. Kiss me.Copy !req
201. - Kiss me.
- Cut!Copy !req
202. I love you. Why do you taunt me
with your beauty?Copy !req
203. Hey! Get off the glass!Copy !req
204. Your loins scream for me.
Admit it.Copy !req
205. - Disgusting!
- Come on, guys!Copy !req
206. Monsieur, monsieur. The
producer, she grows impatient.Copy !req
207. Ah, Pierre.
Women, they get impatient.Copy !req
208. If they didn't,
they wouldn't be so beautiful.Copy !req
209. Here we go!Copy !req
210. The manatee is a slow,
lumbering, docile creature...Copy !req
211. that hurts no one.Copy !req
212. He spends his time swimming
in the ocean...Copy !req
213. until he is eventually
killed.Copy !req
214. Look at me.
I am a helpless manatee!Copy !req
215. - Cut!
- But please don't kill me.Copy !req
216. I swim in the ocean,
and I love my life.Copy !req
217. I'm holding you personally
responsible for this!Copy !req
218. Please.Copy !req
219. Pierre, I'll get it.Copy !req
220. The manatee is a slow,
lumbering, docile creature...Copy !req
221. that roams the depths
of the sea.Copy !req
222. There he is.
I call him François.Copy !req
223. Hello, François!Copy !req
224. - Cut!
- I loved you..Copy !req
225. Like everything I ever loved,
you died a slow, tragic death...Copy !req
226. at the blade of my own
propeller. I am your assassin!Copy !req
227. - Oh, no!
- That is it!Copy !req
228. - Pierre, where are you?
- Monsieur.Copy !req
229. I killed François!
It was all my fault!Copy !req
230. - It was not your fault.
- He came through the propeller!Copy !req
231. - And he was spinning!
- No, no.Copy !req
232. - And he said, "Go away!"
- We go home.Copy !req
233. - I am home! I am home!
- I'll take you home.Copy !req
234. Is there anything
we can salvage?Copy !req
235. I can edit
something together.Copy !req
236. The manatee is a slow,
lumbering, docile creature...Copy !req
237. that roams the sea
searching for food...Copy !req
238. and someone to love!Copy !req
239. Alright, okay. We are back.
A couple of announcements here.Copy !req
240. Tomorrow night, Mr. Lester
Tuckerbee will be here...Copy !req
241. from Tulsa, Oklahoma.
And he is 101 years old.Copy !req
242. He's gonna bring on some
giant vegetables...Copy !req
243. he's grown in his garden.Copy !req
244. Apparently, he's bringing
on a 40-pound plantain.Copy !req
245. Adam, you should have some fun
with that one.Copy !req
246. Also, John Larroquette.Copy !req
247. We're here with Sherman Hemsley.Copy !req
248. You were telling us a story.
What was it?Copy !req
249. Yeah, right. So Isabel...Copy !req
250. You mean Wheezy?
George's wife, Wheezy.Copy !req
251. Right. Wheezy.Copy !req
252. I love the way you say that.
Wheezy. Yeah? Wheezy.Copy !req
253. She's giving me one of her
looks, you know?Copy !req
254. It's that stone-cold look
when you come home late...Copy !req
255. from the dry cleaners.Copy !req
256. Right. And Marla—
Florence tells me:Copy !req
257. - "I'm not wiping it up."
- Now, she's a sassy lass.Copy !req
258. She can really cook up the bacon
and fry it up in a pan.Copy !req
259. Anyway, I bend down
to clean it up...Copy !req
260. but I slip and fall face
first into it. I get up...Copy !req
261. it's all over my face.
I'm bleeding.Copy !req
262. But I never miss a beat.
The crowd goes crazy.Copy !req
263. The cameras
never stopped rolling.Copy !req
264. This man's a trouper, isn't he?
Give it up for Sherman Hemsley.Copy !req
265. I also understand you're
writing a cookbook.Copy !req
266. - That's right.
- Why a cookbook?Copy !req
267. Because I love that down-home
Louisiana spicy cooking.Copy !req
268. I love the way you say that.
Wait a minute. Wheeziana!Copy !req
269. - Say it.
- Wheeziana!Copy !req
270. I love it. Wheeziana.Copy !req
271. Yeah, Wheezy.
I love Wheeziana.Copy !req
272. Check this out.
Isn't this incredible?Copy !req
273. The man is Sherman Hemsley.Copy !req
274. The book is Cooking with
Sherman Hemsley. Thank you.Copy !req
275. Take a look at
what's on Zoo TV.Copy !req
276. Why not?Copy !req
277. Alright, here we go.Copy !req
278. George Jefferson,
what are you up to now?Copy !req
279. Live via the Zoo TV satellite
from Cairo, Egypt...Copy !req
280. it's Isabel "Wheezy" Sanford!Copy !req
281. Isabel, you look as beautiful
as ever!Copy !req
282. Sherman, it's nice to see you
as cute and tiny as ever!Copy !req
283. Of course, I'm watching you
on a tiny, little monitor.Copy !req
284. The magic is still there,
people. Isn't it beautiful?Copy !req
285. We're seeing a magical reunion.
That's what it's about.Copy !req
286. People coming together.Copy !req
287. I'd like to thank my guestsCopy !req
288. Mr. Sherman "George Jefferson"
Hemsley.Copy !req
289. Miss Isabel "Wheezy" Sanford!Copy !req
290. We're The Edge, Adam Clayton
and Larry Mullen Jr.Copy !req
291. My name is Bono. Remember,
I'm not a god...Copy !req
292. I just play one
on television.Copy !req
293. We'll see you tomorrow night
on Zoo TV Late at Night.Copy !req
294. Thank you!Copy !req
295. Hello. My name is
Leslie Chapman.Copy !req
296. I am an actor/dancer
here in Hollywood.Copy !req
297. You might recognize me.Copy !req
298. I did a very popular Michael
Jackson video a few years back.Copy !req
299. Anyhow, times have been tough,
with the economy and whatnot.Copy !req
300. So if you know anybody who needs
a good actor/dancer...Copy !req
301. give my agent,
Mike Gorman, a call...Copy !req
302. and we can set something up.Copy !req
303. Until then...Copy !req
304. Hey, welcome back
to the steam room.Copy !req
305. Our producer thought
it would be funny to be here.Copy !req
306. Why don't we get him here
to breathe...Copy !req
307. in the fake smoke that kills?Copy !req
308. - Look. It's our producer.
- Bad idea.Copy !req
309. You like what you're
putting us through?Copy !req
310. - That's the problem.
- Take off your sweater.Copy !req
311. Every joke I write doesn't work.Copy !req
312. - You tuned out 100,000 viewers.
- He's wearing a sweater.Copy !req
313. - So how's the salmon? Good?
- It's delicious.Copy !req
314. - You glad you ordered it?
- Yes, I am.Copy !req
315. I don't know what's
wrong with this.Copy !req
316. Is polenta supposed to be tangy?Copy !req
317. You're not getting a piece.
All I had today was soup.Copy !req
318. Did I ask you for any of your
salmon? Did I say I want?Copy !req
319. Like I don't know what
you're up to.Copy !req
320. I don't want any
of your salmon.Copy !req
321. I'm not gonna eat the polenta.
It's not agreeing with me.Copy !req
322. - Have it. It's a nice piece.
- I don't want it.Copy !req
323. - It's a nice piece of fish.
- I don't need it. Please.Copy !req
324. - Then stop pouting.
- If I was, I'd be your son.Copy !req
325. - Like father like son.
- That kid has no business sense.Copy !req
326. I recall you and your partner
not having much luck...Copy !req
327. with the Nova business.Copy !req
328. I don't know what you're talking
about. That's ancient history.Copy !req
329. You want me to give
Pishek a call?Copy !req
330. You're gonna bring up Pishek?
Pooey on Pishek, alright?Copy !req
331. He's a no-good, lying S.O.B.
May he rot in hell, bastard.Copy !req
332. Now I can't eat.
My digestion's upset.Copy !req
333. I can't eat either.
I'm not gonna eat.Copy !req
334. You want me to eat
with Pishek on my mind?Copy !req
335. I thought we were past Pishek.Copy !req