The Ben Stiller Show 1x12

1. 'Have you ever been in charge of 12 young boys?'

2. 'No, sir.'

3. 'Ever rubbed two sticks together to make a fire?'

4. 'No, sir.'

5. 'Ever put your life in another boy's hands?'

6. 'Have you ever asked another boy to put his life in yours?'

7. 'No, sir.'

8. We follow orders, son.

9. We follow orders, or people's crafts turn out shoddy!

10. It's that simple.

11. Are we clear?

12. Yes, sir.

13. Are we clear?

14. Yes, sir.

15. Are we clear?

16. Crystal.

17. I think we've..

18. I think we've established the clarity of it.

19. 'All those having business with this general court marshal'

20. 'stand forward and you shall be heard.'

21. 'The facts are these. On September 6th

22. the entered the bunkside of their troop mate.'

23. 'While he was sleeping, they placed his right hand'

24. 'into a glass of warm water.'

25. 'He then woke up.'

26. 'They proceeded to perpetrate in giving a wedgie.'

27. 'And then suspended him from a flagpole.'

28. 'Where upon they commenced to taunting him and calling him'

29. '"Skidmark Santiago."'

30. He, then fainted, fell off the pole..

31. and skinned his knee.

32. Listen up, glory boy.

33. As den mother of this troop, let me tell you.

34. If you insist upon handling this case

35. in the fast-food, slick-ass, persian-bazaar manner

36. in which you seem to handle everything

37. then you're gonna wind up with one childproof, egg-eating

38. shrink-to-fit, three-legged..

39. Scout Santiago..

40. I had no code.

41. No cold?

42. No. A code. I had no code.

43. What? What is he..? Can you..?

44. He had no cold in a menorah?

45. Wait. What are you telling me? Scout Santiago is Jewish?

46. That's..

47. I don't think so.

48. Cholesterol-free, Rowan-and-Martin,

49. open-and-shut, Johnny-come-lately

50. golden-brown, hot-and-sour.

51. You wanna investigate me?

52. Roll the dice and take your chances.

53. I eat breakfast every day with 12 angry father's who think

54. I'm secretly touching their sons.

55. don't think you're gonna come down here, flash a merit badge

56. and make me nervous.

57. Fat-inducing, liposucted, Bruce-Willis-sneered

58. Habsburg-chimp, thirst-quenching.

59. 'We live in a world that has pop tents.'

60. 'Those tents are held together with knots a scout must learn.'

61. 'The square knot, the granny knot.'

62. The shank, the hitch, the half-hitch.

63. Who's gonna tie those knots? You?

64. Your scouts follow orders or people get wedgied!

65. - You want answers? - I think I'm entitled.

66. - You want answers? - I want the truth!

67. You can't handle the truth.

68. - You want the truth? - I want the truth!

69. - What do you want? - The truth.

70. - When do you want? - Now!

71. - Gimme a T. - T!

72. - Gimme an R. - R.

73. - Gimme a U. - U!

74. - Gimme a T. - T.

75. - Gimme an H. - H.

76. - What's that spell? - The truth!

77. - Alright, you got it. - That's great, thank you.

78. No further questions.

79. 'In the heart of troop number A3-54'

80. 'in a den mother's barracks, they're clearing a space'

81. 'on the mantle for a special guest named Oscar.'

82. I think I got a pretty good shot here.

83. I mean this is, this is pretty intense stuff.

84. So, yeah. It's uh..

85. Hey, welcome to the show. I'm Ben Stiller.

86. We're on the set of "Few Good Men" parody.

87. Thought we'd give you a little..

88. behind-the-scenes look at how we do the show.

89. It's really a wig I'm wearing.

90. The cast's angry as they're not doing Jack Nicholson—

91. I should have done it.

92. Hold the sandwich between your legs.

93. I'm the guy from "Terms of Endearment".

94. Here's Johnny!

95. I'll take a tuna fish sandwich on rye bread.

96. Hold those tuna..

97. That's why we brought someone else in to do it.

98. I think you can understand why.

99. Why don't we just go to this?

100. Right now, we're responding to a disturb-in-the-peace call.

101. We get a couple of these calls at night.

102. Mostly local kids, all hopped up on mead

103. playing chicken on a jousting field

104. tryin' to impress some maiden.

105. That ain't no jousting match! Come on, Johnny!

106. Over here, Johnny.

107. Come quick! Merlin has turned his wife into an ox!

108. Don't worry, Felicia! I shall return thee to thy normal state.

109. - Drop the wand, Houdini! - Hey.

110. - 'Do it.' - What?

111. I' will put a spell on all of you.

112. Put your hands behind your head.

113. - My wife! - Shut up!

114. Shut the up!

115. Okay, okay, okay.

116. In situation like this, we'll apprehend the suspect

117. and then we'll, uh, impound the wand

118. run a check on it.

119. Usually it turns out it's hot.

120. I had an argument with my wife.

121. And I accidently turned her into an ox.

122. Hey, listen, I don't care.

123. You can't be makin' all this noise.

124. - That's right. - Oh, Felicia!

125. - 'Hey!' - 'My wife.'

126. - Hey! - That is my wife.

127. Hey, what did we just finish tellin' you, uh?

128. - I— - Shh! Shh!

129. - Baby goes to sleep. - Where's my elixir?

130. Alright, we just a message about a domestic disturbance

131. about two miles from here.

132. - We're gonna go check it out. - I'll go with you.

133. - No, you stay put. - Yeah.

134. Who's apples are these? Are these magic apples?

135. - Hey. - Will you look at this?

136. Leave me alone! Leave me alone!

137. I'm trying to pull this sword from this stone!

138. Oh, Great! The cops are here now. Good work.

139. Hey! Now, shut it!

140. You had hundred people here, waiting to pull

141. the sword from the stone. Alright?

142. You had your shot at this thing, alright?

143. Is this your kid here? Tell me something. Wait a minute.

144. - This your daddy, right? - Yeah.

145. Okay. Now, your daddy's been drinking a little bit of mead?

146. - Mm-hm. - Uh-huh.

147. - I've not been drinking. - Don't tell me that.

148. I smell it all over your breath.

149. It's my clothing. I spill some on it, sir.

150. Alright. What's going on here?

151. Are you pulling the sword?

152. Yes, I'm trying to pull the sword from the stone.

153. Oh, yeah? Well, who's the lady here?

154. This, uh, wench, is uh, my wife.

155. I'm very sorry to say.

156. 'Is that any way to act in front of your wife and kid?

157. - She fills him full of lies. - He's a terrible role model.

158. She fills him full of lies. What am I supposed to do?

159. - Get up. Get up! - I'm the king!

160. - Go ahead. Give it a shot. - Go ahead.

161. Ta-da! Nothing happens.

162. I got news for Mr. Universe. It's not comin' out. Alright?

163. 'Okay, okay. I just wanted one chance.'

164. Alright.

165. - You know, I mean.. - I wanna pull the sword.

166. You can't even pull up your pants

167. Let him try. Let him try!

168. You see what she does.

169. Alright, you wanna pull this. Go ahead. Go ahead.

170. - She's on his back already. - You pick up the pieces.

171. There you go. Alright. Give it a try.

172. Behold Excalibur!

173. 'It's the king.'

174. I loosened it for him. I was there, you gotta admit!

175. I knew there was something special about this boy.

176. Alright, that's it everybody. Show's over.

177. Okay? You got your king.

178. Sword's been pulled from the stone.

179. Let's go home now, alright.

180. Everybody's got homes to go to.

181. That's it, alright.

182. That's great. I bust my hump 11 years.

183. Some kid pulls a stick out of a rock, becomes my boss.

184. Hey, that's some cough you got.

185. Got a touch of the plague that's going around.

186. You know what's good for that? Leeches.

187. 'Hurts like a mother, but it works.'

188. - 'Yeah?' - 'Yeah.'

189. And now, Ben Stiller's Music News with Tabitha Soren.

190. Hello, I'm Tabitha Soren

191. and this is a Stiller Music News special report.

192. Controversy surrounds a trio of backup singers

193. who call themselves Vanilla Heat.

194. In an unprecedented move they are suing

195. the entire music industry for discrimination.

196. We caught up to Heat at their L.A. home studio

197. and they had this to say.

198. I mean, we've been in L.A. for eight..

199. Eight years.

200. We've been in L.A. for eight years.

201. And we have yet to get job one.

202. Question. What's wrong with this picture?

203. Answer. When it comes to backup singers, if you don't look

204. a certain way, an invisible wall goes up.

205. Come on.

206. Nail that spin, Kim.

207. Nail that spin.

208. The music industry is a hall of mirrors.

209. And for some reason, we have not been invited in.

210. Well, the reason is plain and simple.

211. The reason is, if you don't..

212. You know if you're not a hot chick in spandex

213. who's willing to shake your rump

214. you know, and flaunt it, then forget it.

215. You need not apply.

216. We have currently, over 700 legal suits pending

217. in Los Angeles Municipal Court.

218. Well, frankly, I don't know why they're suing me.

219. I don't hire singers. I mean, that's not what I do.

220. Kim is our legal counselor, if you will.

221. Well, he's not, I mean, I mean, he's not exactly..

222. You're not a lawyer, right?

223. Let's put the cards on the table here.

224. You're not a lawyer, but you're acting in our behalf.

225. I am not a lawyer, per se.

226. However, I am very comfortable in a court of law

227. and I am fluent in two languages, English and Legalese.

228. I don't know what it is. These guys, they wanted to try out.

229. They wanna be my background singers.

230. I said cool, you know? I was looking for good talent.

231. And, you know, they just suck.

232. We, as a group, have too much talent

233. to let something like this happen.

234. 'I'm not gonna lay down for the steamroller, okay?'

235. 'It's not gonna happen with me.'

236. Uh, excuse me, we're here for the backup singer auditions.

237. I don't think you have an appointment.

238. It's happening again.

239. All we need is five minutes of your time, please.

240. I think if we were dressed in hot spandex outfits

241. and had earrings on and we're looking really great

242. then we'd have no problem here, right?

243. You'd be rolling out the red carpet for us.

244. Maybe we should've worn our dresses.

245. Four for nothing. One, two, three, four.

246. Let's go.

247. Come on!

248. 'I don't care. Blacklist me, you know?'

249. Cross my name off the list, okay?

250. 'Cause you know what? It was never there in the first place.'

251. Get out of here!

252. We're not religious people.

253. But, we can't deny that God gave us these voices.

254. And, uh, sometimes when we're singing

255. I can feel him smiling down upon us.

256. Yeah. Well, does he know a good lawyer?

257. I'm outta here.

258. Tonight on American Profiles, Billy Bob Hoyt.

259. High-tech hillbilly.

260. Buford, listen. You tell Sheriff O'Dell

261. that if we don't expand

262. there's not gonna be any county line, alright?

263. Great. Ah-huh.

264. Hold it. I'm gonna get you 20 cases by Tuesday.

265. Yeah. That's on the house.

266. You know who you're talking to here, right? Good.

267. Sully Joe, get me the fax on McSorely feud.

268. I need specifics. How many people have been killed

269. and how many have just been run off?

270. And cancel my wrestling match with Leland.

271. And get some more houseflies in here

272. I feel like I'm in the city.

273. What we're doing here at HillTech is trying our darndest

274. to preserve the hillbilly lifestyle

275. by making it profitable.

276. And guess what?

277. It's working.

278. Great. Pointier. Can't be pointy enough.

279. Remember that.

280. - What you got? - Whittle-Quick.

281. I want that in the catalog by Christmas.

282. This is my eighth cousin and number one idea man, Claude.

283. 'What do you got for me today?'

284. This is something that we've been working on

285. called a Pick-O-Matic 2000.

286. Fully automatic, solar powered, foot picker.

287. Picks feet free of corn, wood slivers, pebbles, what have you.

288. While leaving your hands free to shoo flies away

289. smoke a pipe, whatever.

290. Hah! people like to pick their own feet!

291. This is just the tip of the iceberg.

292. Right now we're developing

293. a blend of non-alcoholic moonshine.

294. All the kick and none of the sick.

295. I don't cotton to it.

296. Right now we're negotiating with a big defense firm

297. about feud technology or what we call "interfamily squabbles."

298. Just remember, you can shoot at a Hatfield

299. 'but don't be shooting at any Hoyts.'

300. How do I know they are Hatfield?

301. They're chicken-livered, colicky-looking, yellow types.

302. You can't miss 'em.

303. 'Hey, I think I smell one now. Talking to Sis!'

304. - You get off our property! - And stay off!

305. I'm not alone.

306. There's a whole new breed of us young hicks on the move.

307. Erasmus!

308. Hey, thank you, Elliot.

309. Oh, good to see ya. Hi.

310. Chad! Hey.

311. Delbert! How's that greased-pig catcher coming, huh?

312. No, no. Don't worry. We have a code here. Relax.

313. Hey.

314. Gentlemen, fellow hillbilly millionaires.

315. All of in this room are related by years of inter-marriage

316. and by our respect for innovation and enterprise.

317. 'On behalf of the Young Hillbillies Millionaires Club'

318. 'I'd like to present this year's Golden Jug Award'

319. 'to Billy Bob Hoyt.'

320. Whoa! Yeah!

321. I'm a hillbilly, I'm a businessman.

322. Mostly I'm just a guy who never understood the word "can't."

323. And now a word about Grady's Oats.

324. You talking to me?

325. I don't see anybody else around here.

326. I guess that means you're talking to me.

327. Thirty eight caliber snub nose.

328. Some people call it a Saturday night special.

329. See, certain things never go out of style.

330. Things like craftsmanship, dedication to hard work.

331. The good people..

332. - 'Give me my ball.' - Those damn kids. That's it!

333. That's it. Hey!

334. What did I tell you about playing ball back there?

335. Get outta here or I'll kill ya!

336. I'll kill you and your families.

337. Grady's Oats Instant Oatmeal. It's an..

338. What did I tell ya?

339. You've been warned!

340. Get up! I don't care if he's hurt. Get him outta there!

341. This is my lawn.

342. Grady's Oats Instant Oatmeal.

343. These are my flowers. They're beautiful flowers!

344. They're beautiful colors.

345. Yellow and purple..

346. and you ruined 'em!

347. Oh, you ruined my flowers!

348. Is my wig?

349. Your wig's fine. How's my, how's my tooth?

350. Oh, welcome back to the show. Your tooth looks fine to me.

351. We're really excited cause we're on at 10:30 now

352. which means we can say all types of words we couldn't earlier.

353. We have a list of words we can say at 10:30 or 9:30 central

354. that we couldn't say at 7:30, 6:30 central.

355. - Why don't you say it with me? - Crap and crappy.

356. Bitch!

357. - Doodie! - Bastard.

358. (Ben) 'Alright, guys. That's enough.'

359. More.

360. - 'Pee-pee' - 'Period!'

361. I don't think this was a good idea.

362. 'Breasts.'

363. Okay, why don't we just go to this?

364. 'Whore.'

365. Hey, trainee. Sure is busy on your first night, huh?

366. Yeah, the guy at table 14 keeps changing his side dish order.

367. That's because they all taste so good.

368. It's hard to pick just one.

369. This is the best job, isn't it?

370. Yeah, I guess.

371. You know my boyfriend didn't want me to work here.

372. He think these fake-theme restaurants are corny.

373. It isn't a fake theme.

374. Ha ha ha.

375. What's all the chit chatting back here, huh?

376. We got some appetizers specials to push, right?

377. - Right. - Wanna be part of the team?

378. Yes.

379. Why don't you sell table nine another deep-fried pooterballs?

380. - I'll try. - Remember our motto.

381. "The customers are always hungrier

382. than they think they are."

383. - Get out there and sell, huh? - Okay.

384. Alright. Ha ha ha!

385. Hi, and welcome to T.J. O'Pootertoot's.

386. We are sure to have the rootenist, tootenist

387. 'pootenist good meal.'

388. I'm Faith, and I'll be your food gal.

389. Tonight's drinks specials include sex in a hamper

390. with or without milk, and pudding shots.

391. Our dinner specials include the angry Mexican—

392. I don't need to hear the specials.

393. I want two orders of the deep-fried curly ribs

394. a miserable whore without the salt around the rim for me

395. and, uh, giggling scoundrel for the lady

396. and a side of the atomic liver crisps.

397. Would you like some pooterballs with that?

398. What kind of meat is in that?

399. It's pootermeat, with a taste that's oddly familiar.

400. No, thanks.

401. How about some Colorado bean strips?

402. Look, I just told you what I wanted.

403. With an order of Chicago side Alaska minibites

404. you're entitled to a free hour of karaoke—

405. Look, we don't want any mini things.

406. We just want what we ordered, okay?

407. - Honey! - I'm hungry.

408. Wow, I just sold two more orders of red-hot rancheroos.

409. That's 25 more pooter points for me.

410. You kill yourself to get pooter points

411. and all you get is T.J.'s moustache wax.

412. I know you didn't mean that.

413. You should be more careful. If somebody overhears you

414. we could both get shipped off to Pootertoot's Spirit Camp.

415. - Hey, soldier. How's it going? - Good.

416. There's nothing like that special feeling

417. of knowing you're part of a team, huh?

418. That great feeling you get deep down inside knowing

419. you're one insignificant part of a much greater plan.

420. And that plan is T.J. O'Pootertoot's.

421. Hey, let's have an alley rally.

422. I can't right now. I have an order coming up.

423. We're having an alley rally.

424. Come on, we're having an alley rally.

425. Who's the best, east or west?

426. (all) T.J. O'Pootertoot's!

427. Where does the guest rest with zest?

428. (all) 'T.J. O'Pootertoot's.'

429. Who always passes the bunk food test?

430. (all) T.J. O'Pootertoot!

431. - Hey! - T.J. loves you.

432. What are you doing?

433. You must join us. T.J. commands it.

434. Faith! Faith!

435. David!

436. No! No!

437. Faith! No!

438. David!

439. Keep back. He has the book of Pooter.

440. Stay back! I'll trim you all. I swear.

441. What is going on?

442. I was right. It's all in here.

443. O'Pootertoot was a member of the Donner Party.

444. The Donner Party? The pioneers who were snowed in and..

445. Ate each other. Right.

446. Well, one of the survivors, a young man

447. by the name of T.J O'Pootertoot decided that human flesh

448. made the ultimate fun food.

449. He's right. It's fun-a-licious!

450. What are you saying.

451. It's people! Pooterballs are made out of people.

452. Ahh! No!

453. Faith, he's weak. Come with us. You'll snack forever.

454. No.

455. T.J. is the way.

456. - Have a pooterball. - No!

457. Faith!

458. Snack on this!

459. Ahh! Ahh!

460. Come on.

461. Wait, we should tell them.

462. No, don't look into their eyes!

463. What are we going to do? We need a female to re-populate with.

464. T.J. must have a male heir. It is written.

465. Do not worry, young Dwayne. We'll find another.

466. Hi, I'd like to apply for a job.

467. Yes, right this way.

468. Alright, we'll that's about it for the show.

469. Hope you had a good time. I wanna thank my cast

470. who did a great job.

471. 'Especially Janeane. It's not easy being'

472. 'the only female member of a practically all male cast.'

473. (Bob) 'You're really holding your own.'

474. Yeah, you are. You're holding your own.

475. Thanks. You guys have been very respectful and I appreciate it.

476. - 'Alright.' - You are welcome.

477. (Ben) 'Well, that's it.'

478. - And Goodnight! - 'Cut!'

479. (Ben) 'Goodnight. Cut.'

480. I'm gonna be in my dressing room.

481. Alright, Andy!

482. - Whoa! - Shake it.

483. (Bob) 'Shake it, baby.'

484. Take it off, mama! Whoo!

485. He is hot tonight.

486. Stop harassing me! Once and for all!

487. 'You're beautiful when you're angry, Andy.'

488. - Yeah. - Very nice.

489. - That's a fine piece of meat. - Yeah.

490. As a side business we write a lot of commercial jingles.

491. It's not art, but it pays the bills.

492. Well, if we ever sold one, it might pay some bills.