1. How you doing?
Welcome to the show.Copy !req
2. I'm Ben Stiller.
This is Janeane Garofalo.Copy !req
3. We're at the beach today—
I won't let you sayCopy !req
4. anything till I get this out.Copy !req
5. We've gotten a lot of cards and
letters requesting to see—Copy !req
6. Cards and letters requesting
Janeane—Copy !req
7. But I just— Could I—?
Would you—?Copy !req
8. We want to see you naked.
Let's face facts.Copy !req
9. We want to see you in a little
tight tube top, prancing around.Copy !req
10. - What do you say?
- I'd say you're a chubby chaser.Copy !req
11. Janeane, come on.Copy !req
12. You're not chubby.
We'll be—Copy !req
13. Shut up.
I hate that word. Cut!Copy !req
14. We'll be right back after this.Copy !req
15. Hello.Copy !req
16. I am Brent Forrester.Copy !req
17. It's nice to be with you again.Copy !req
18. I want you to get ready
to relax.Copy !req
19. Let the sound of the ocean
relax and soothe you...Copy !req
20. as the tensions and
distractions of the day...Copy !req
21. drift into the past.Copy !req
22. Let the sound of the ocean
relax every muscle.Copy !req
23. Starting with your calves...Copy !req
24. and moving up
to your nice, creamy thighs.Copy !req
25. That's right.Copy !req
26. Relax, and rub that
into your stomach.Copy !req
27. Very good with the lotion thing.Copy !req
28. Now arch your back.Copy !req
29. Nice.Copy !req
30. Very nice. Hello.Copy !req
31. Sorry to bother you. What?Copy !req
32. Don't worry about it.Copy !req
33. Hi, I'm Brent.Copy !req
34. I'm Brent.Copy !req
35. I'm here to relax you.Copy !req
36. Relax.Copy !req
37. Everybody take a deep breath.Copy !req
38. It's— There's no need to—Copy !req
39. In and out.Copy !req
40. Don't play with that thing.Copy !req
41. That is not a play toy.Copy !req
42. No! What are—?Copy !req
43. That thing is sharp!Copy !req
44. Don't make me come down there!Copy !req
45. I will crush you!Copy !req
46. You'd better run, you— You—Copy !req
47. Got him! Three points
for the Relaxation King.Copy !req
48. Now listen to the sound
of the waves.Copy !req
49. Let each and every muscle relax.Copy !req
50. It's time for Roundtable, with
correspondent Art Louwater.Copy !req
51. Good evening. I'm Art Louwater,
and this is Roundtable.Copy !req
52. Tonight, television
situation comediesCopy !req
53. and politics go head-to-head.Copy !req
54. It all started about
two weeks ago...Copy !req
55. on the season premiere
of the hit comedy seriesCopy !req
56. Skank.Copy !req
57. Who turned off
the stinking faucet?Copy !req
58. I'm trying to get some sleep.Copy !req
59. Skank, you're not supposed
to waste water.Copy !req
60. Doris, it's not a waste.
You are!Copy !req
61. Turn the faucet on
and shut your stinking trap!Copy !req
62. The following day,
Senator Edmund Warring...Copy !req
63. made an
off-the-cuff referenceCopy !req
64. to the show
at an awards ceremony.Copy !req
65. And might I add
that I am sickened...Copy !req
66. by the way TV shows
such as The Skank...Copy !req
67. trivialize serious issues
such as water conservation.Copy !req
68. I think when it comes
to water usageCopy !req
69. Mr. Skank should shut his
stinking trap.Copy !req
70. Skank shot back with
a hurriedly rewritten episode.Copy !req
71. I think when it comes
to water usageCopy !req
72. Mr. Skank should shut
his stinking trap.Copy !req
73. Doris, get in here!Copy !req
74. The world's biggest moron
is on TV.Copy !req
75. Hey, everybody, go turn on
the faucets full blast.Copy !req
76. Flood the place!
I feel like taking a nap.Copy !req
77. You know,
the human body is 90% water.Copy !req
78. How much of that
is wasted every year by murder?Copy !req
79. Senator Warring...Copy !req
80. get your priorities straight,
or shut your stinking trap!Copy !req
81. Thank you. Thank you.Copy !req
82. That's right.Copy !req
83. Now, here to clarify things...Copy !req
84. in the studio with me
is Senator Edmund Warring...Copy !req
85. and live via satellite
from his Hollywood set...Copy !req
86. the actor who portrays
Skank, Theodore Hume.Copy !req
87. Gentlemen, thanks
for joining me.Copy !req
88. - My pleasure.
- It's great to be here, Art.Copy !req
89. Mr. Hume, as the creator
and star of Skank...Copy !req
90. are we to believe that you
condone the character's actions?Copy !req
91. I think it's rather obvious
that Skank is an antihero...Copy !req
92. a clown, a Pagliacci, not to
be emulated, but rather pitied.Copy !req
93. - That is a load.
- I beg your pardon?Copy !req
94. Look, when a child
sees you up there...Copy !req
95. with your madcap antics
and your slapstick behavior...Copy !req
96. he's gonna try it himself,
and that meansCopy !req
97. he's gonna waste water.Copy !req
98. Let me ask you a question, sir.Copy !req
99. If your daughter couldn't sleep
without water running...Copy !req
100. would you protect
her freedom of choice...Copy !req
101. or lock her up
and throw away the key?Copy !req
102. - That is unfair.
- Answer the question!Copy !req
103. Why don't you shut
your stinking trap!Copy !req
104. gentlemen. Why don't we just
cool our jets for a second.Copy !req
105. Senator Warring,
he does have a good point.Copy !req
106. Look, I just can't believe
that I'm being lampooned...Copy !req
107. by a TV standup comedian.Copy !req
108. I'm examining the truth,
you lou—Copy !req
109. Look, I have here
50 documents...Copy !req
110. that state that you
used to haveCopy !req
111. water-balloon fights
as a child.Copy !req
112. - Where did you get those?
- Answer the question!Copy !req
113. Why don't you shut your
stinking trap.Copy !req
114. You shut your stinking trap!Copy !req
115. Shut your stinking trap!Copy !req
116. - You shut it!
- Shut your stinking trap!Copy !req
117. You shut your stinking trap!Copy !req
118. You shut your stinking trap!Copy !req
119. I will not listen! You shut it!Copy !req
120. Shut it!
Shut your stinking trap!Copy !req
121. - Keep your trap shut!
- Shut your trap! Shut it!Copy !req
122. Shut your lousy trap!Copy !req
123. Gentlemen, uh, gentlemen...Copy !req
124. I might advise both gentlemen
to shut their stinking traps...Copy !req
125. if they could hear me.Copy !req
126. Listen, I'm Art Louwater,
and this has been Roundtable.Copy !req
127. Thank you for joining us.
Good night.Copy !req
128. - You—
- Shut your stinking—Copy !req
129. On the next Skank:Copy !req
130. Everything goes nuts
when the familyCopy !req
131. is visited by
Senator Edmund Doofus.Copy !req
132. Senator!Copy !req
133. Have you seen my pants?Copy !req
134. I'm not even gonna
waste my breath.Copy !req
135. It'll be classic Fox.Copy !req
136. One thing I love
about Southern California...Copy !req
137. is the beautiful weather,
the clean, fresh air...Copy !req
138. the natural beauty
of the water, and the—Copy !req
139. Andy, no!Copy !req
140. Andy! Andy, didn't you
see the sign?Copy !req
141. I can't read.Copy !req
142. Thank you.
This has been a comedy sketch...Copy !req
143. but the character
Andy representsCopy !req
144. is a cross-section
of this country.Copy !req
145. People who are illiterate,
coupled with an environment...Copy !req
146. that's really icky and bad,
makes a terrible combination.Copy !req
147. I really drank
some of that stuff.Copy !req
148. - You're not supposed to.
- It burned going down.Copy !req
149. That's what I call
commitment to a character.Copy !req
150. Welcome back, headslammers.Copy !req
151. It's time to sit in
with James HetfieldCopy !req
152. and Lars Ulrich of Metallica.Copy !req
153. So, boys, let's do
a conversation kind of thing.Copy !req
154. Why don't you tell us
why you decidedCopy !req
155. to do a motion
picture soundtrack.Copy !req
156. It's like, we've always wanted
to score a film, Duff.Copy !req
157. It's like, we had to wait
for one...Copy !req
158. that was as extreme and dark
as Metallica is, you know?Copy !req
159. The Boy Who Magically Switches
Places With His DadCopy !req
160. is that film.Copy !req
161. That's right.
James is totally tapped into...Copy !req
162. the whole dark side of
the switching thing, you know?Copy !req
163. It's like, after we saw
18 Again together...Copy !req
164. James came home and wrote
this incredible ballad.Copy !req
165. - "Eighteen is Three Sixes."
- Disney's insane not to buy it.Copy !req
166. What makes this movie
different from all the otherCopy !req
167. father/son switching films?Copy !req
168. Different actors, you know?Copy !req
169. It's different actors...Copy !req
170. The father is a host of a TV
morning show in this one.Copy !req
171. I mean, think about it,
you know, it's like...Copy !req
172. the kid switches places
with his dad.Copy !req
173. So it's like, he doesn't know
how to run a TV talk show.Copy !req
174. What is he gonna do?Copy !req
175. Well, buddies, Pauly Shore's
in this film, right?Copy !req
176. Why don't you tell us
how you feel about that.Copy !req
177. Pauly Shore scares
the hell out of us.Copy !req
178. - But that's life, isn't it?
- It sure is. C'est la vie.Copy !req
179. Well, the tune is "The
Father/Son Switching Song"...Copy !req
180. and the band is Metallica.
So let's check it out together.Copy !req
181. Well, that was some buzz clip,
now, wasn't it?Copy !req
182. This film deals
with complex issuesCopy !req
183. on a lot of different levels...Copy !req
184. but the bottom line is,
it's just the old switcheroo.Copy !req
185. Yeah. I was, like,
thinking about whatCopy !req
186. that kid says at the end
of the film.Copy !req
187. You know, about how
you gotta be yourself...Copy !req
188. and not try to be
somebody else.Copy !req
189. Hey, Lars, don't give away
the ending, man.Copy !req
190. Shoot. I'm sorry.Copy !req
191. Well, it's time to do
a little commercial...Copy !req
192. but we'll be back
with more Metallica.Copy !req
193. - What are you doing, man?
- I'm sorry. I was just... stupid.Copy !req
194. I switched places with a stupid
guy or something.Copy !req
195. You switched places
with a drum stool.Copy !req
196. Hello. Welcome to Andy Dick's
Political Children's Theatre...Copy !req
197. where a spoonful of sugar
helps reality go down.Copy !req
198. Tonight's scene is
meant to sparkCopy !req
199. discussion of a very
serious topic:Copy !req
200. The homeless.Copy !req
201. So put on your thinking caps.
And scene.Copy !req
202. Hey, man, you got a dollar
for a cheese sandwich?Copy !req
203. Drop dead, hobo!
Why don't you work for a living?Copy !req
204. I can't get a job,
because I ain't got no home.Copy !req
205. Maybe we should have
more compassion.Copy !req
206. These are tough economic times.Copy !req
207. We can't just give money
to any Boxcar WillieCopy !req
208. who asks for a handout.Copy !req
209. So then you ain't
gonna help anybody?Copy !req
210. Where do we draw the line?Copy !req
211. Where do we draw the line?Copy !req
212. I need more ships, Sir Charles.Copy !req
213. To do so will cost us money.Copy !req
214. Not to do so...Copy !req
215. will cost us England.Copy !req
216. Hi. Welcome back
to the KFSB Pledge-a-thon.Copy !req
217. When it comes to super-duper
dramatic programming...Copy !req
218. public television is where
you'll find it.Copy !req
219. But guess what, people?Copy !req
220. Great drama doesn't
grow on trees.Copy !req
221. We won't carry at a deficit
any longer.Copy !req
222. What we're looking for
is 10,000 pledges.Copy !req
223. We've got our work
cut out for us, don't we?Copy !req
224. So let's get on the horn.
In the meantime, back to drama.Copy !req
225. Do you find my policies...Copy !req
226. unwise, Sir Charles?Copy !req
227. With His Majesty in such a mood,
it's best not to answer, sire.Copy !req
228. A shrewd response.Copy !req
229. But how will you respond...Copy !req
230. to this?Copy !req
231. Welcome back
to the KFSB Pledge-a-thon.Copy !req
232. You don't get great drama like
that on regular television...Copy !req
233. and you certainly don't
get it commercial-free.Copy !req
234. You know what else
you don't get?Copy !req
235. This attractive tote, which can
be yours free when you become...Copy !req
236. a "Special Friend" at PBS,
and it's only a $50 donation.Copy !req
237. That's right, Ruth.Copy !req
238. And for just $200 more,
you'll becomeCopy !req
239. a PBS "Cherished Companion"...Copy !req
240. which entitles you to a free
cassette entitledCopy !req
241. Laugh About Washington...Copy !req
242. a full hour of wit
from comedian/ commentator/Copy !req
243. political satirist Mark Russell.Copy !req
244. Absolutely, Neil.Copy !req
245. Now let's get back to that great
uninterrupted programming.Copy !req
246. You have betrayed me,
Sir Charles.Copy !req
247. The letter. I am undone.Copy !req
248. Now you must pay for it.Copy !req
249. Welcome back to the KFSB
Pledge-a-thon.Copy !req
250. With us today is the star
of the dramatic presentationCopy !req
251. you're enjoying,
Daniel Stillman.Copy !req
252. - Daniel, hello.
- Hi.Copy !req
253. Why don't you tell us
what attracted youCopy !req
254. to the role of Henry
the Wicked on PBS.Copy !req
255. Well, Henry's always been
a fascinating human being.Copy !req
256. He's a moral dilemma.
I felt it was a good chanceCopy !req
257. to stretch some acting muscle...Copy !req
258. and really get in there
and fight some demons.Copy !req
259. Super-duper, Daniel.Copy !req
260. So you'll be manning the phones
with us, I assume?Copy !req
261. You'll be in the trenches
and giving of your time.Copy !req
262. I hadn't...
Nobody mentioned the phones...Copy !req
263. but I guess I could hang out
for a couple minutes.Copy !req
264. Okay, let's get back to that
commercial-free programming...Copy !req
265. that makes it all worthwhile.Copy !req
266. I have to really
get out of here.Copy !req
267. Just go— Just go over
to the phone.Copy !req
268. Just— Just pretend.Copy !req
269. No. You— You must reconsider,
Your Majesty.Copy !req
270. By the way, Ruth,
that personal pleaCopy !req
271. Dan made earlier
is from the both of us...Copy !req
272. for, alas,
if you do not give,Copy !req
273. public programming will be:Copy !req
274. "Out, out, brief candle."Copy !req
275. Reconsider—Copy !req
276. But I... I...Copy !req
277. For an additional $500,
you becomeCopy !req
278. a PBS "Bestest Buddy
of Them All."Copy !req
279. You'll receive seven tote bags,
a Mark Russell shirt and a mugCopy !req
280. that says: "I like my
coffee... uninterrupted."Copy !req
281. Letter was part of a game...Copy !req
282. where you write down
the opposite of how you feel.Copy !req
283. What you waiting for? Think you
could get this tote anywhere?Copy !req
284. You can't. So make the call.Copy !req
285. What price England?Copy !req
286. special programs,
attractive totes...Copy !req
287. and no commercials.Copy !req
288. I'm not moving
till you make the call.Copy !req
289. - I'm quite serious.
- Excuse me...Copy !req
290. I can stand here all day...Copy !req
291. if I have to. The gravy train
is over. Get off.Copy !req
292. Put something into the system.Copy !req
293. He looks like he's got a rope.
My goodness!Copy !req
294. What a good mime this is.Copy !req
295. What's going on?
What are you doing?Copy !req
296. Andy's doing mime,
and I'm his shill.Copy !req
297. Hey, look at him go! Looks like
he's climbing the wall.Copy !req
298. I like him.
I'm going to give him money.Copy !req
299. Other people should too.Copy !req
300. Come on. Looks like he's really
climbing the building.Copy !req
301. It's an incredible
illusion, really.Copy !req
302. - It's all an illusion, though.Copy !req
303. Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.Copy !req
304. Andy, get down from there.Copy !req
305. Andy...Copy !req
306. - We'll be right back after this.
- Andy, sketch is over.Copy !req
307. You know, the scary part is,
he'll reach the topCopy !req
308. and he'll keep going.Copy !req
309. Because he's a mime. He doesn't
need anything to climb.Copy !req
310. - Bye, Andy.
- See you.Copy !req
311. It's time once again for
"Stiller's Wheel of Filler."Copy !req
312. Where the wheel stops,
that's where the comedy goes.Copy !req
313. Bruce Springsteen makes
an answering machine tape.Copy !req
314. All right.
Well, let's see here.Copy !req
315. Hi, this is the Boss. Would you
leave a message after the—Copy !req
316. No, that's— That doesn't work.Copy !req
317. Hey, all right. Here.Copy !req
318. Hi. I'm in a lost treasure cave
searching for— No.Copy !req
319. That's ridiculous.
That's not funny.Copy !req
320. The Boss is out.
The Boss is out.Copy !req
321. The Boss it out, the Boss is—
Nah, that's just not...Copy !req
322. Think, think, think. All right.
All right. Here we go.Copy !req
323. Hello?Copy !req
324. What's that? I can't hear you.
You gotta speak up.Copy !req
325. I can't hear you.
Ha, ha! Ha, got you.Copy !req
326. Just playing around with you.Copy !req
327. I'm not here now.
Leave a message at the beep.Copy !req
328. Thanks a lot.Copy !req
329. Yeah, that's a good one.
That's gonna work.Copy !req
330. I can't wait for somebody
to callCopy !req
331. so I can see if they like it.Copy !req
332. Hello, I am Brent Forrester.Copy !req
333. It's nice to be with you again.Copy !req
334. It is time now to relax.Copy !req
335. Excuse me. I'm searching for the
Sandy Shoal of Creativity.Copy !req
336. Am I close?Copy !req
337. No. This is the Oceanfront
for Advanced Relaxation.Copy !req
338. You'll want to go down pastCopy !req
339. the Fertile Pastures
of Assertiveness...Copy !req
340. and make a right at the
Volcano of Dynamic Energy.Copy !req
341. You can't miss it.Copy !req
342. I'm running a little late.
You wouldn't mindCopy !req
343. if I stayed here, would you?Copy !req
344. I'm sorry, I would mind.Copy !req
345. I have this spot
for the full hour, okay?Copy !req
346. That's why there's sign-up
sheets for these things.Copy !req
347. Why don't you relax. There's
room here for the both of us.Copy !req
348. Don't tell me to relax.
I am Brent ForresterCopy !req
349. "Mr. Relaxation."Copy !req
350. Is that supposed to impress me?Copy !req
351. I'm Jefferson Kahn,
Master of Inner Balance.Copy !req
352. Whoop-de-do.
Congratulations. Now leave.Copy !req
353. There's no need to be sarcastic.Copy !req
354. You don't seem too relaxed,
my friend.Copy !req
355. Want me to take
you down, mister?Copy !req
356. - Lay your best shot
on me, hotshot.Copy !req
357. Okay, turban-head.Copy !req
358. I love that lipstick,
by the way.Copy !req
359. - Relax.Copy !req
360. - Inner peace.
- Let your inner peace—Copy !req
361. Negativity all flow away.
You are one with the universe.Copy !req
362. What's the matter?
You can't keep up?Copy !req
363. Allow the love and the laughter
of the universeCopy !req
364. to fill your soul.Copy !req
365. Are you finished, Yul Brynner?Copy !req
366. Find your inner peace.
Let it soothe and relax you.Copy !req
367. You're happy you don't look like
a pathetic super-boyCopy !req
368. with strange blond hair.Copy !req
369. Find your inner peace
and let it relax you.Copy !req
370. That's good.
You said that already.Copy !req
371. Find your inner peace—Copy !req
372. Sounds like you're busting up,
Mr. Can't-Take-It.Copy !req
373. I— You, shut up,
and I hate all of you!Copy !req
374. All of you! I hate you!
I can't take it! Oh, God!Copy !req
375. Well, looks like he reached
his breaking point.Copy !req
376. Welcome to the new man in town:
Mr. Inner Balance.Copy !req
377. All right, okay, listen.Copy !req
378. It's not fair.
It's just not fair.Copy !req
379. I want you to apologize to Bob.Copy !req
380. - I'm not going to apologize.
- You destroyed his sandcastle.Copy !req
381. - It wasn't fair. Now, apologize.
- This isn't fair.Copy !req
382. Mine is clearly better.Copy !req
383. - Can I say something?
- Yeah.Copy !req
384. - Kaboom!
- What are you doing?Copy !req
385. What are you doing?Copy !req
386. I won!Copy !req
387. You stop that! Stop that!Copy !req
388. This is great. This is my cast.
I have a very mature cast.Copy !req
389. You get away!Copy !req
390. Don't step on my lines.Copy !req
391. - Step on lines?
- I'm not talking to you.Copy !req
392. You use mine
as a railroad track.Copy !req
393. You were stepping on mine.Copy !req
394. - Don't give me that.
- You stepped on his lines.Copy !req
395. Shut up. Shut up!Copy !req
396. - And don't step on my lines.
- I wasn't.Copy !req
397. - I'm a professional actor!
- So are we!Copy !req
398. I don't care, hear me?
Do your part, and do it well...Copy !req
399. and then get out of here!Copy !req