1. - This game is so bad.
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2. I really don't wanna play it
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3. but Darth Vader came
from the planet Vulcan
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4. and said that he'll melt
my brains if I don't
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5. so I don't have a choice.
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6. The first thing I really admire
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7. is how well it followed the movie
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8. and you gotta love that music.
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9. Sounds just like the movie, right?
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10. And that's it, it just
loops over and over again
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11. and you're not gonna believe it
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12. but that's all you hear the entire game.
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13. Yep, from the title screen
all the way to the end,
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14. the same fucking music.
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15. I'd rather have a fucking buffalo
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16. take a diarrhea dump in my ear
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17. than subject them to
this horrendous garbage.
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18. Now, about the gameplay.
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19. Well, you're racing against the time limit
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20. and you have to collect
clocks to get more time
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21. so that's pretty creative, isn't it?
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22. So you're walking through Hill Valley
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23. and every single thing you can
imagine is out to kill you.
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24. Bullies, hula hoop girls, killer bees
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25. and guys holding glass windows
just like in the movie.
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26. What happened here?
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27. Is this Hill Valley or is it hell?
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28. I never knew a hula hoop
girl could be so deadly.
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29. Why does she wanna kill Marty anyway?
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30. Not to mention, it doesn't
even look like Marty.
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31. Look at that black helmet head.
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32. Also, when did he ever wear
that sleeveless black shirt?
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33. Oh look, I got a bowling ball.
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34. Remember that in the movie?
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35. Remember when Marty goes around
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36. throwing bowling balls at people?
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37. Whose idea was this?
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38. What were they thinking?
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39. Ah, the skateboard.
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40. Now, that makes a lot more sense
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41. but it's the most annoying
thing in the game.
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42. Yeah, it makes you go
faster but you can't stop.
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43. You crash into everything
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44. and it makes it a whole hell
of a lot fucking harder.
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45. Jumping is useless.
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46. Try jumping over the bench.
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47. You'll never make it.
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48. So what's the point of
having a jump button
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49. if it doesn't help at all?
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50. What are those guys doing
with that window anyway
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51. and why are those giant
bees always coming out?
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52. Give me a break and what
the fuck is Marty doing
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53. when he gets killed?
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54. It looks like he's having
some kind of seizure.
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55. I mean, I guess I'd have a seizure too
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56. if there were bees and hula hoop girls
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57. and all this weird shit coming at me.
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58. I mean, just leave me alone.
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59. I'm trying to collect clocks.
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60. I never got too far in this game
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61. but after the walking stages
are over, you go to the cafe
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62. which by this time is
a breath of fresh air
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63. to see something different
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64. and get a break from that horrible music.
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65. So you move up and down
behind this counter
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66. throwing milkshakes at people
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67. and if any of them touch the
counter, you're done for.
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68. You think it would be easy
to hit 'em but it's not.
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69. Common sense would say if
you stand in front of someone
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70. and throw something, it would hit 'em.
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71. You can't tell where to stand.
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72. Now, if you actually have the patience
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73. to get through the cafe
stage, guess what's next?
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74. More walking.
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75. You know what's the worst
thing about this game
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76. is that it bears the
name Back to the Future,
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77. a movie well worth putting
more time and effort
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78. into making a decent game
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79. and the movie came out in 85, the game 89.
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80. There's no excuse.
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81. No fucking excuse.
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82. Just suddenly orders are passed.
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83. Quick, make a shitty game,
name it after a big movie
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84. and then just spit it into all the stores
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85. for all the kids to buy for $50.
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86. Yeah, 50 fucking bucks.
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87. There's no internet to
look up reviews back then.
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88. It was just you buy a game
and you hope for the best
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89. and with Back to the Future,
how could you go wrong?
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90. Oh yeah, you can fucking go wrong alright.
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91. If I just shat into a bag
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92. and wrote Back to the Future on it,
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93. that would be the same as
this awful piece of shit.
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94. It brings my piss to a boil.
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95. What a piece of shit.
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96. I'll never play it again either.
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97. This is my last time.
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98. I'd rather eat out the rotten
asshole of a roadkilled skunk
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99. than play this game ever
again and I'm dead serious too
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100. and you know what's worse?
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101. You know what's really worse?
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102. Guess what?
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103. There's a sequel.
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104. Yes, it's true, Back to
the Future two and three.
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105. Two shitty games for the price of one.
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106. Let's check it out.
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107. Holy shit, look the DeLorean.
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108. Now, I remember that from the movie.
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109. Not so much the piranhas,
the snails, the weird face,
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110. the running frog, the bouncy thing,
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111. the thing in the sewer that
comes out and kills Marty,
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112. the little dinosaurs, the
cloud that drops pellets
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113. and the whatever the
fucking goddamn hell that is
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114. and look at those, what are they, goombas
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115. and the spiky thing ripped right off
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116. of Super Mario Brothers?
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117. Fucking slackers.
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118. And every time you die,
the DeLorean drops you off
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119. and it seems like it always take you
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120. in the opposite direction of
which you're trying to go.
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121. Shit soup.
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122. Oh God, don't let the blue bird get ya.
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123. Ass.
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124. Get the key, get the key.
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125. Yeah, the hoverboard.
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126. Cool, a bonus stage.
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127. Wow.
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128. Fuck this.
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129. I wish I could go back in time
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130. to prevent this game from being made.
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131. Unfortunately, I need to
build a flux capacitor
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132. and I also need some plutonium
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133. to generate the 1.21
gigawatts of electricity
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134. so that's out of the question.
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135. So let's end on a positive note.
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136. There's gotta be one good
thing about this game
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137. and I know what it is.
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138. It fits in a toaster.
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