The Angry Video Game Nerd 1x5

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The Nerd prepares to go all "cowabunga" and ninja, as he reviews the game Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles for the NES.

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1. - The original Ninja Turtles is one of

2. the most annoying games I've ever played.

3. You first play it and think, well, this can't be too bad.

4. The control is decent, it's fun killing things,

5. the sound effects are cool, you may even think

6. I'm trying to compare it to the sequels,

7. which are far superior,

8. two player, arcade action, beat up a bunch

9. of foot soldiers, good stuff.

10. But this first one, is garbage.

11. And you may be like, come on, it's the first

12. of it's kind, be easy on it.

13. But, no, it sucks.

14. It sucks ass from a straw.

15. And you want to know why?

16. Well, where do I begin?

17. That beeping sound when you're low on energy.

18. I mean, that's so annoying.

19. Now look at that.

20. How the hell am I supposed to get up there?

21. That's impossible.

22. And who is that guy with a chainsaw anyway?

23. Remember him from Ninja Turtles?

24. I sure don't.

25. The only way I can get up there is with Donatello,

26. the turtle with the longest weapon.

27. Come on, get over here you fuck nut.

28. Alright...

29. Okay, all of that just for a pizza?

30. Pizza shit.

31. Okay, here's a trick I think everybody knows.

32. When you're fighting Rocksteady, you jump up onto

33. these crates with Donatello, and you just keep hitting him

34. with your bow.

35. Now, what's really weird is the timing.

36. I mean, you have to hit him when he's sort of ducking.

37. Not when he's standing up.

38. I guess that would make too much sense.

39. So it's obviously a game flaw.

40. Then there's that level where you have to save the dam.

41. April O'Neil says, you have my support.

42. Okay, what the hell did she ever do for you?

43. Stupid banana, raincoat-wearing bitch.

44. So you have to swim around and deactivate all these bombs.

45. And there's so many things out there to kill you,

46. and you have a time limit, so naturally,

47. you're rushing to make it through as fast as you can.

48. And all these electric plants hurt you.

49. So you need a lot of patience.

50. But how could you have patience when you're

51. in a fucking hurry?

52. Fuck.

53. Level three is like a maze.

54. You're in the turtle van going around, and there's

55. steam rollers coming at you from everywhere.

56. And you know what I always thought was really weird?

57. Why does the turtle van have the same energy bar

58. as the turtle that you have selected?

59. Like shouldn't it have it's own since it's a vehicle

60. and not, you know, the turtle?

61. Never mind.

62. So here's a pop quiz.

63. Who were the target audience for this game?

64. Kids.

65. Kids who were fans of Ninja Turtles.

66. Now, you think they would have actually have put

67. more Ninja Turtle characters in the game.

68. Like Baxter Stockman, the rat king.

69. Krang, I mean it's not like Krang was like a minor

70. character that came in the fifth season of the show.

71. Krang was right there from the beginning.

72. So, there is no excuse.

73. There is no excuse not to have him there.

74. I mean, instead, make way for the missile balloons,

75. flying robot heads, those little butterfly things,

76. Mr. Fireman.

77. And, why don't you hear the Ninja Turtles theme song

78. anywhere in the game?

79. What a piece of shit.

80. You know what I hate?

81. The fucking jumps in the sewer.

82. If your accuracy is slightly off, you're going down.

83. So you really got to take your time and watch

84. what's coming up.

85. Aw, you son of a fuck.

86. And you know what pisses me off?

87. They're turtles for fuck sakes.

88. They can't even swim.

89. Now look at this shit right here.

90. These spiked walls come at you like

91. an Indiana Jones booby trap.

92. It's some game designer who's laughing their ass off

93. just decide to put a pizza down there.

94. Okay, well what's the point?

95. I mean, are you gonna be suicidal enough to go

96. and try to get that pizza?

97. I mean, who's gonna do that?

98. It's impossible.

99. What a joke.

100. And speaking of hard to reach pizzas, look at this.

101. Come on.

102. Aw, you fuck rat.

103. This is just a bunch of cock-a-dookee.

104. This is bull fuck.

105. Jesus Christ almighty.

106. Holy shit.

107. Fuck.

108. Oh my God.

109. Oh man.

110. Why is this game so hard?

111. It's for kids, have mercy.

112. Why does this jump have to be so close to the ceiling?

113. Fuck this game.

114. And you know what pisses me off?

115. Every time you fall down, you have to walk through

116. the entire room all over again.

117. All the enemies come back, so you have to fight everybody

118. all over again.

119. Now if you get the pizza, the pizza doesn't come back.

120. Only the bad guys.

121. What a shit load of fuck.

122. I mean you can't even develop a strategy because

123. the enemies keep changing.

124. It's completely random.

125. I can't get over this fucking jump.

126. If only those two extra platforms weren't there,

127. it wouldn't be a problem, God.

128. Can I get up, can I get up?

129. Nope, God fucking damn, get the fuck up there.

130. Get up there, fuck.

131. Whoa dudes, this game's like a total bummer.

132. What a joke.

133. Fuck.

134. We can just walk over it?

135. You can just walk over it.

136. You are scum.

137. Cowabunga.

138. Cowa fuckin' piece of dog shit, this game

139. is diarrhea come out of my dick.

140. This game is as appealing as a fucking ooze infested

141. dirty fucking sewer rat shit.

142. I've had more fun playing with dog turds.

143. Shredders in my ass and splinters in my balls.

144. This game is an inside out, asshole, regurgitating

145. putrid, anal, fecal matter.

146. I'd rather fucking yank all the hairs out of my scrotum.

147. I'd rather drink diarrhea vomited out of a buffalo's anus.

148. It suckin' fucks, it fuckin' sucks, it fuckin' blows,

149. it's a piece of shit,

150. and I don't like it.