The Angry Video Game Nerd 1x16

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The Nerd pumps himself up for a fight, to prepare himself for reviewing the Sega Master System video game based on Rocky.

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1. - Twice the Mega Power?

2. What's Mega Power and how could you have

3. twice as much of it?

4. The title screen shows a nice colorful display

5. for 8-bit graphics, though I would've preferred

6. a traditional black-and-white side-scrolling title

7. like in the movies.

8. But more importantly, listen to the music.

9. Does it sound anything like the Rocky theme

10. or any of the music from the movies at all?

11. Well, the graphics are great for the time,

12. but I wonder why Rocky's training in shorts,

13. not to mention why Apollo's shorts.

14. That didn't happen 'til the third movie.

15. But anyway, this is a training stage

16. and you just keep tapping the buttons.

17. I really don't know if there's any technique,

18. but you just keep tapping the buttons.

19. Well, this is boring, don't you think?

20. Fuck.

21. Cock-a-fuckin'-doodle-ass-shit-sucking-ball-fuck.

22. This is fuckin' boring.

23. Okay, here we go, we're fighting Apollo.

24. Graphics look great, they're in the proper color shorts,

25. the ring, the audience, everything looks good,

26. for 8-bit, of course.

27. But I can't say the same for the gameplay.

28. All you do is tap buttons.

29. There's a few different kinds of punches you can execute,

30. like a hook, a straight punch, or an upper cut,

31. and I had the manual, which tells me keeping your distance,

32. hitting up and two does a straight punch,

33. down and two does a hook, and standing close,

34. the two button alone or up and two does an upper cut.

35. Now, I find that none of that works, so I just tap buttons,

36. primarily the two button.

37. The other one blocks.

38. And besides the mere simplicity of it,

39. it's just unpredictable

40. as to when you're gonna hit or get hit.

41. The control just sucks shit-balls.

42. The worst thing about it is how you move.

43. Unlike traditional control

44. where if you push left, you go left,

45. and if you push right, you go right,

46. Rocky just weaves back and forth on his own.

47. It doesn't make any sense at all.

48. "To move your player about the ring

49. "does not really require any specific buttons for execution.

50. "It requires the right situation

51. "because your player will be prohibited from moving

52. "unless you satisfy these conditions.

53. "If you're on the offense and attacking freely,

54. "your player will move

55. "according to the direction of your blows and can be guided

56. "to the left/right or forward/backward with your D-button.

57. "If you're on the defense,

58. "your player will not move in the direction you want

59. "until you can guard yourself effectively, the button one.

60. "And then, you must start dealing blows

61. "to be in control of your footwork as mentioned above."

62. So, did you get that?

63. Well, let me sum it up.

64. It's a bunch of putrid anal shit

65. coming out of a rhinoceros asshole.

66. It fucks up the ass, shits out the mouth,

67. piss out the nose, dookie out the ear,

68. diarrhea out the dick, shits for the birds.

69. The control in this game is poo-poo.

70. All right, I knock Apollo down, starts humping the floor.

71. And he gets back up.

72. But he's as easy as crap,

73. as long as you just keep tapping the button.

74. Knock him down, he humps the floor, he gets back up.

75. The repetitive nature of this game is astounding.

76. How many times can he get back up?

77. It's embarrassing.

78. There's no three-knockdown rule in effect,

79. no Mario to come in and say TKO.

80. Even though I think a technical knockout

81. can occur in this game, it takes forever to happen.

82. So, it just goes on and on and on.

83. Eventually, he'll stay down and you win.

84. Then you get another training stage, just wonderful.

85. Is there any point to this?

86. I know it's supposed to make me stronger during the fight,

87. but fuck it, I don't feel like tapping the buttons.

88. It's only gonna make my fingers more tired

89. and then I'll end up losing the fight anyway.

90. I'd rather just wait instead.

91. Fuck it.

92. All right, well there's no rematch with Apollo

93. like in the movie, so you just go straight to Clubber Lang.

94. Wait, what's this?

95. He's kicking my ass or he's punching my face, whatever.

96. Unlike Apollo, Clubber Lang

97. will just rip your asshole inside out.

98. Fuck!

99. Goddamn, he's a tough son-of-a-bitch-fucker.

100. Get up!

101. Get up, you floor-fucking dickhead!

102. Stop humping the floor.

103. How does a game go from being so easy

104. to being so fuckin' hard?

105. Let's try again.

106. This time, no fucking around.

107. I gotta do good on those training stages.

108. Gotta get strong.

109. I just gotta keep tapping those buttons

110. 'til I break my thumb.

111. Fuck!

112. Fuck!

113. Damn!

114. Fuck!

115. Bitch!

116. This game is ass.

117. I'd rather take a bath in elephant feces.

118. I'd rather eat raw eggs.

119. Ass!

120. Die!