The Angry Video Game Nerd 1x13

Directed by

Mike Matei as Freddy Krueger

It’s Halloween, and the Nerd isn’t really that scared when he reviews the NES game based on the movie A Nightmare on Elm Street.

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1. - What the hell?

2. No, no.

3. - You like Nintendo?

4. - Uh huh.

5. - You like to play shitty games?

6. You fucking nerd.

7. You wanna play some Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde?

8. - No, no, no, no.

9. - Or you wanna play my game, bitch?

10. - This game's horrible.

11. This game is my fucking nightmare.

12. It's a frustrating incoherent pile of vomit and shit.

13. Even the first screen is kind of weird

14. because it shows Freddie without his

15. glove, but his knives are still coming

16. out of the fingers.

17. Now I think I might actually have an explanation for this.

18. In the movie Nightmare Part Two.

19. No, they just fucked up.

20. So you play as some dude who has some serious

21. balls because he punches snakes right in the fucking face

22. and you don't have to anyway, you can just jump

23. over them all.

24. This guy has the worst luck ever because

25. rocks randomly fall out of the sky and

26. flocks of vampire bats come after him.

27. Even though it may appear to be a typical side

28. scroller, it isn't at all.

29. There's nothing self-explanatory or

30. even fun about this diarrhea mess.

31. I can't figure out where I'm supposed to go.

32. Some of the doors are closed and some

33. of them are open, but it hardly seems to

34. matter because usually there's only one

35. on the entire Street that you can go inside.

36. Whether it's open or shut it seems completely

37. fucking random.

38. - Ah, figure that out.

39. - So you go inside one of the houses and

40. guess what, it's crawling with ginormous

41. spiders, so what do you do?

42. You give them a taste of your fist.

43. Punch them.

44. Smack them around.

45. Assholes.

46. Goddamn fucking spiders.

47. Eat my ass, you fucking bitches.

48. Show em you're a man.

49. Punch those spiders.

50. Spiders, punch them.

51. Snakes.

52. You want some too?

53. So I get to this little square door on

54. the floor and I can't go down.

55. The arrow says down which probably means that's

56. where I'm supposed to go, but I can't.

57. It's not till later I find out I'm supposed

58. to collect all the bones in this room first.

59. When I first start playing this I

60. had no clue what they are for, but now I

61. realize you have to get the bones

62. because that's the point of the game and

63. if you can't find every single last one

64. of them you can't leave the room and

65. some of them are practically invisible.

66. They blend in with the background

67. because the graphics just suck.

68. - Oh, yeah, play that shitty game.

69. - The plot of this game is that you're trying to collect

70. all Freddy's bones so you can destroy them in a furnace.

71. Confused?

72. Well Freddy's dead and now his bones are

73. somehow scattered all around every house

74. on Elm Street, meanwhile Freddy's

75. entering your dreams just like in the

76. movies and he can only be stopped when

77. his final remains no longer exist.

78. Damn, Freddy's got a lot of fucking bones

79. and they all look exactly the same.

80. Classic cartoon dog bone.

81. You know, come to think of it the plots kind of like

82. Simon's Quest.

83. Why would Simon want to go around collecting

84. pieces of Dracula?

85. He was killed the first time, just leave him alone.

86. Imagine Batman killed the Joker and then

87. he scattered his pieces all over the

88. fucking city and then went around

89. collecting them all.

90. What a bunch of fucking shit.

91. In fact the gameplay in Nightmare on Elm

92. Street itself is a lot like Simon's Quest.

93. It has that strange presence to it

94. where you slip in and out of day to

95. night, in this case it's a dream world in

96. a awake world.

97. It's got that nonlinear quality to it where you're always

98. confused trying to figure out where the fuck to go.

99. - Ah, taste the major suckage, you fucking nerd.

100. - So at the end of each house some weird incarnation of

101. Freddy appears, in this part it's Freddy's hand

102. on a bunch of balls.

103. What were they thinking?

104. So you go around looking for another

105. house you can go in and none of them let me in.

106. Try the cemetery.

107. Nope can't go there.

108. What's with the zombies?

109. They look like the Frankenstein monsters walking with

110. their arms stretched out.

111. Like how fucking stereotypical is that?

112. Can I go in the junkyard?

113. Nope.

114. Just keep walking around, walking down.

115. Guess it's Elm Street which happens to

116. be the longest fucking Street in the world.

117. Oh look, I finally found a house I can go in.

118. The one with the door that's shut.

119. That makes sense right?

120. What the fuck are these?

121. Lollipop ghosts with stick arms?

122. Were the enemies in this game designed by some

123. kindergarten kid for Halloween?

124. I'm surprised they don't have skeletons too.

125. They actually do have skeletons.

126. What the fuck?

127. Could the villains be any more stock?

128. Like we have this creepy game about Freddy, what kind

129. of creepy characters could we add?

130. Well how about bats, ghosts, spiders, skeletons,

131. and Frankenstein's for the kiddies?

132. Could it be any more uncreative than that?

133. Like why don't they just add some witches, black

134. cats, and flying jack-o'-lanterns.

135. They should have just called the game Boo

136. Haunted House, which is probably what

137. they originally had in mind until they

138. thought, no wait make it about Freddy, we

139. already ruined Friday the 13th.

140. Now let's do the same thing to Nightmare on Elm

141. Street and that's right it's by the same

142. company, we're not going to say who it is,

143. but it stands for laugh and joke and numbnuts.

144. Also listen to the music.

145. Sounds familiar, doesn't it?

146. In fact it sounds kind of like it's recycled from

147. who the fuck Framed Roger Rabbit, another

148. piece of garbage they made.

149. What were they thinking?

150. - You love it, you know you do.

151. - Let me explain how the dreamworld thing works.

152. You have a sleep meter that goes down.

153. If you're standing still it goes down.

154. If you get hit it goes down and in time

155. it goes down by itself so anything you

156. do or don't do, the sleep meter goes down.

157. - Ain't that a bitch.

158. - And once it's down all the way you go to

159. sleep unless you didn't already fall

160. asleep playing this fucking game.

161. So when you're in the dream world all the

162. enemies are stronger which doesn't even

163. matter anyway because you can turn into

164. this other character that throws

165. javelins and does this spinning jump.

166. There's also other dream characters you

167. can play as after you collect the dream

168. tokens, just like in the movie Nightmare

169. Part Three, except for the dream tokens part.

170. So if you play in the dream world for a

171. lengthy period of time the Freddy music starts playing.

172. Then, oh God, is Freddie coming?

173. He sure is.

174. Of all the shitty things in this game

175. this screen is so cheesy that it's just

176. awesome, but it's ruined by the fucking trademark symbol.

177. Anyway, you fight Freddie which turns out to be

178. real disappointing.

179. It's just a simple flat room and he walks back and forth,

180. swatting at the air like he's blind.

181. Come on, Freddie.

182. To get out of the dream world you have

183. to get the radio to wake yourself up.

184. Then you have to wait for the change back

185. to the awake world.

186. It's annoying like in Simon's Quest, but in

187. Simon's Quest it's way worse because

188. it's against your own will, it happens so

189. often, and you don't expect it.

190. In Nightmare on Elm Street at least you're

191. doing it on purpose and you get that

192. rocking tune rather than just dead silence.

193. But now I'm using my fists again.

194. Give me the javelin back, I want to go back to sleep.

195. You actually have weapons in the dream world

196. so what's the point?

197. You know what's really weird?

198. That this game was actually capable of a four

199. player mode using an accessory that

200. allowed four controllers to be connected

201. to your Nintendo Entertainment System.

202. Now I can't imagine having four people playing this game.

203. Who's going to want to play this piece of shit?

204. I'm lucky if I can get one other person.

205. I have a better chance of cloning myself.

206. Wait, wait, wait, wait.

207. I just cloned myself, I'm in a dream I can

208. do whatever I want so why don't we all

209. just stop playing this fucking game.

210. - Yeah.

211. - So the hell with that shit.

212. - Yeah.

213. The hell with that damn shit.

214. - The hell with that damn fucking shit.

215. - The hell with that goddamn motherfucking bullshit.

216. - Relax.

217. - Now what should we do with the cartridge?

218. - How about smash it with the hammer.

219. - Nah, that's not good enough.

220. - I know let's drop it out the window.

221. - Now come on, be creative.

222. - I say we take a shit on it.

223. - Good, do it, empty your ass all over it.

224. - I don't gotta take a shit though, you take a shit.

225. - You gotta take a shit?

226. Who's gonna take a shit?

227. - I gotta take a shit.

228. - Then take that shit.

229. - Bombs away.

230. - Oh.

231. - You diarrhea fiend.

232. - Oh, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

233. - Come on, it's not that bad.

234. - Front door, closet, front door, closet.

235. - Whoa, look at me I'm a fucking nerd.

236. What a piece of shit, buffalo diarrhea, fuck farts.

237. You see, nerd, nobody makes you play these

238. games, but yourself so you're your own

239. damn nightmare.

240. Now you're gonna die.

241. - Go yank your cock through your ass, you

242. fucking butt mongrel.

243. I got the Power Glove.

244. That was a weird dream.