The Angry Video Game Nerd 1x12

Directed by

Mike Matei as Jason Voorhees

The Nerd prepares for Halloween by taking a look at why the NES game based on Friday the 13th is more frustrating than scary.

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1. - Well, Friday the 13th on Nintendo.

2. What can you say?

3. The knife going into the eye in the beginning

4. right away should be an indication of how cool it is.

5. This game is infamous for being great, right?

6. I mean, everybody loves this game because it's awesome.

7. I mean, the concept is just brilliant.

8. Adapting a series of R-rated slasher movies

9. for all the kiddies to play?

10. Great idea.

11. There's six camp counselors you can play as.

12. Whether they're characters from the movie or not,

13. I don't care because it's a good game.

14. Going around throwing rocks at zombies,

15. collecting lighters,

16. running around trying to find fireplaces to light.

17. What more could you ask for?

18. Oh, and every great game has a map screen,

19. and being that the game is mostly side-scrolling,

20. you can't tell which direction you're supposed to be going.

21. But that's cool.

22. That's cool.

23. It makes it more challenging.

24. I like that.

25. Like when you're walking left,

26. but you're really heading to the right on the map?

27. I love figuring that shit out.

28. I love it.

29. It's just great.

30. Like puke up a donkey's ass!

31. What a shitload of motherfucking bullfuck!

32. I mean, I'd rather eat snot and diarrhea vomit

33. out of a buffalo's dick,

34. and if you thought I was serious about this game,

35. Just kidding!

36. I was just kidding, I swear!

37. I swear to God I was just kidding,

38. I was just kidding!

39. It's not a shitload of fuck!

40. It's not a shitload of fuck!

41. Love this game.

42. Love the way the stones keep missing the zombies

43. because they go in this nice arc that flies over 'em.

44. Fantastic.

45. Gotta get the knife, it's mandatory.

46. Hear that sound?

47. That's the Jason Alarm.

48. When you hear that,

49. you have to switch to the map screen

50. and see which cabin's blinking.

51. See it right there?

52. That's where I am.

53. And over there, that blinking cabin way over there?

54. That's where I'm supposed to go to fight Jason.

55. I have a time limit,

56. so I need to get all the way over there as fast as I can,

57. or else Jason kills one of the camp counselors.

58. So, which way do I walk?

59. I guess left, because it's left on the map.

60. Sounds self-explanatory.

61. So, here I am, just following the Yellow Brick Road.

62. Oh, fuck, look at the map.

63. I've just been walking in the wrong fucking direction.

64. What a wonderful game.

65. The bare basics of left and right do not apply.

66. And that's why this game is so great,

67. because it's free from all logic.

68. Logic is for pussies.

69. So, I finally get to the cabin.

70. I walk in, and the mannequin counselor says, "Thank you."

71. Thanks for walking into the cabin?

72. I didn't fight Jason yet, but you're welcome.

73. He's around somewhere.

74. Oh, yeah, he's coming.

75. Uh-oh, he's coming.

76. Whoa!

77. Well, he scared the shit out of me,

78. and now he's fighting me like in Mike Tyson's Punch-Out!

79. So I beat him, but he'll be back.

80. Many times.

81. Just like in the movies.

82. Even after they called part four The Final Chapter,

83. and then he went on to make it all the way up to number 10,

84. known as Jason X where he's in outer space.

85. But that's another story.

86. So, for now, I go back to walking around

87. and looking for cabins with fireplaces.

88. Wasn't this a great idea?

89. Isn't this fun?

90. Like, going 3D for the cabin parts?

91. I love how smooth the camera angles are,

92. the overall design, the Astroturf floors.

93. Just ingenious.

94. And the control's so fluid

95. you just might have to tap the D-pad twice

96. to get it to move.

97. Isn't this fun?

98. I just love trying to find the door,

99. because there's nothing in here

100. and now I just wanna get the fuck out.

101. Just wanna get the fuck out.

102. Get the fuck out.

103. Because it sucks.

104. Shit.

105. God damn it.

106. God damn it!

107. Open, you piece of shit!

108. Son of a fuck.

109. Oh, shit.

110. Don't kill me!

111. Kill me.

112. So I'm walking around, looking for fireplaces,

113. answering to the Jason Alarm every once in a while,

114. and along the way,

115. I continue to collect lighters, keys, weird bottles,

116. and because that rock is as useless as a wad of paper,

117. upgrading to the knife is essential.

118. I go into a cabin, and right away,

119. there's another mannequin camp counselor.

120. I love how they have no face.

121. It's real creative.

122. I love all those options on the right,

123. most of which could be condensed

124. into just the simple use of the A button.

125. But this game just overcomplicates things

126. because it's so good.

127. So, let's try Change.

128. All right, we switch camp counselors.

129. Now my character's slower,

130. I don't have any of my items anymore,

131. and I'm back to using the fucking rock again.

132. That really accomplished a lot.

133. The day-to-night transitions are nice and smooth.

134. I mean, seriously.

135. It's a big improvement over Simon's Quest,

136. where a fucking box appears and it interrupts the gameplay.

137. No need for it,

138. but Friday the 13th doesn't have that problem,

139. proving that day-to-night transitions can work

140. when done right.

141. Jason comes out every once in a while

142. to scare the shit out of you,

143. and he looks really good in purple, doesn't he?

144. That's a good color for him.

145. Knowing that Jason couldn't have been

146. the only enemy in the game,

147. it's interesting to see the use of zombies, birds,

148. and even wolves to add to the mix.

149. Even Jason's mom makes an appearance,

150. and you know what she reminds me of?

151. Those annoying fucking Medusas from Simon's Quest.

152. Or, wait, I'm talking about Castlevania III.

153. What, I hate that game, too?

154. Well, anyway, let's get back to Friday the 13th.

155. So, I'm dead.

156. Once all six of your camp counselors are gone,

157. the game's over.

158. That's ingenious.

159. That's the best game over screen I ever saw.

160. For real, I'm actually being dead serious.

161. Dead fucking serious.

162. That's brilliant, right?

163. "You and your friends are dead.

164. "Game over."

165. It's priceless.

166. Like, I can't believe it.

167. Isn't that a mean thing to say to kids?

168. Nobody ever dies in Nintendo.

169. They're either "Defeated,"

170. or they turn into an item and, like, float away.

171. But here comes a game like Friday the 13th

172. that just cuts the bullshit, shows some balls,

173. comes flat-out and says, "You're fucking dead.

174. "And your friends, too."

175. Beautiful.

176. Hey, what if there was a sequel?

177. It would have to say something even worse.

178. Like, I got it.

179. I got a good idea what it should say.

180. It should say,

181. "You're dead.

182. "Your friends are dead.

183. "Your family's dead.

184. "Your fucking pets are being skinned alive.

185. "Your mom's a fucking whore.

186. "You suck at life.

187. "The whole world hates you.

188. "You're going to Hell.

189. "Live with it.

190. "Game over."

191. So, that's it.

192. I don't know what else to say.

193. The music, just listen.

194. It's fucking great.

195. And even better, it loops over and over,

196. so you get to hear the same thing constantly.

197. Just wonderful.

198. I love those scary, faceless kids in the cabin.

199. Makes me have nightmares.

200. As if the map screen isn't confusing enough,

201. when you go into the cave or the woods,

202. you have no idea where you are.

203. When you stand on a path, you press up,

204. and then the screen changes.

205. You have no idea where you are

206. because the graphics are so repetitive.

207. Every goddamned screen looks the same.

208. I can't tell where I am or where I'm going with this shit.

209. And the cabins?

210. Just fucking horrible!

211. I can't find the fucking fireplaces.

212. I get lost once I'm inside.

213. I can't even just simply turn around and see the door.

214. The control's so fucking awkward.

215. I'd rather play Doom on Atari.

216. I'd rather play Halo on a Tiger Electronic wrist game.

217. I'd rather drown in diarrhea,

218. I'd rather fucking eat my fucking balls off

219. and puke 'em up my fucking ass.

220. I'd rather piss a cactus out of my dick.

221. The music is fucking worse than life itself,

222. and I'd turn the volume down,

223. except for the fact that I have to hear the Jason Alarm.

224. It's all just a test of patience,

225. and it kicked my fucking asshole!

226. Die!

227. Piece of shit!

228. You're easier to beat in real life

229. than you are in that fucking game,

230. you no good piece of.

231. This game is fucking horrible!