The Angry Video Game Nerd 1x10

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The Nerd tackles two more bad NES games based on another film – Top Gun – and finds out how some elements of their gameplay are just impossible to do.

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1. - Top Gun sorta marks the beginning of a genre.

2. It was one of the first flight simulation games

3. for the Nintendo Entertainment System,

4. or at least one of the most-commonly referred to.

5. We obviously know that it ain't got shit

6. compared with games today,

7. and for that reason,

8. you might think it's not worth complaining about.

9. But no.

10. It sucks ass now and it sucked ass back then.

11. Check it out.

12. Mission One is Training for the Next Mission.

13. Okay, sounds simple enough.

14. So you get a choice of missiles.

15. Would you rather have more or less?

16. What kind of fuckin' choice is that?

17. Pick more.

18. I mean, the idea is that the fewer missiles

19. is more powerful, but guess what?

20. Whenever you shoot an enemy plane,

21. all it takes is one shot to blow 'em up.

22. Even your regular machine gun bullets

23. take them down in one shot,

24. so what's the point?

25. And I love all the useless information on the control board.

26. Altitude, speed, I mean, really, what does it matter?

27. And look at all the gauges on the right just for decoration.

28. The first thing that really sucks about the gameplay

29. is just the fact that it's boring.

30. 90% of the time,

31. you're just flying into a blank sky

32. as little pieces of cotton come flying at you.

33. And yes, I know they're supposed to be clouds.

34. Also, notice the absence of music.

35. I know the developers were trying to make something new,

36. to make it realistic,

37. but what we get is a game that makes you feel

38. like you're in this blank, mindless void.

39. Like, if purgatory exists, this is what it is,

40. Top Gun for the NES.

41. I'd rather fly a cargo plane

42. full of rubber dog shit out of Hong Kong.

43. Uh-oh, I'm really fucked now.

44. I gotta land on an aircraft carrier,

45. a feat that's impossible.

46. Your radar monitor gives you instructions on how to land,

47. but no matter what you do, you still crash.

48. You know, it's like every time I get to this part,

49. I think I might have a chance.

50. This is gonna be it.

51. I'm finally gonna land the plane.

52. Speed down.

53. Left, left.

54. Speed up, right, right, speed up, speed down.

55. Left, left, speed up, speed down, up, up.

56. Up, up!

57. I'm hitting up!

58. Ass!

59. Fuck!

60. It's impossible.

61. I mean, why is it so hard?

62. I mean,

63. I guess 'cause they were trying to make it realistic,

64. like, if you were actually trying

65. to land on a real aircraft carrier.

66. But I highly doubt that any of this game

67. is like really flying a plane.

68. Even though I crashed, it only takes a life away,

69. and it still lets me continue to the next level.

70. Mission Two, Destroy an Enemy Aircraft Carrier.

71. All right, fine.

72. As long as I don't have to fuckin' land on it.

73. Now, the only difference with the second level

74. is that you're below the clouds,

75. and you can now see the water.

76. Basically, it's just a darker color blue than the sky.

77. Stay the fuck away.

78. There's battleships that shoot the shit out of you.

79. You're best off just flying into the sky the whole time.

80. Now, halfway through this level,

81. your fuel starts to run out.

82. This refueling plane comes,

83. and you have to control its nozzle.

84. So, just like landing the plane, this is impossible,

85. and I've never once done it.

86. You just have to be lucky.

87. I mean, your accuracy has to be 100% perfect,

88. and really, I don't have a fucking clue how it works.

89. Down, down, speed up,

90. down, down, left, left, up, up,

91. speed up, left, left,

92. down, down, up, up, left, left,

93. right, right, up, up, up,

94. left, left, down, down, up, up, what the fuck?

95. What was I supposed to do?

96. Now, look at the plane.

97. It just goes away, like, "Fuck him."

98. I mean, they just leave you out here to die.

99. At this point, it should just say "Game Over,"

100. but instead, it allows you to play for a little longer,

101. which is pointless.

102. You're done for.

103. The refueling plane doesn't come back,

104. and within minutes, your fuel runs out and you finally lose.

105. That's as far as I ever got.

106. What a shitload of fuck.

107. This game chews turds.

108. This game sucks your balls off and spits 'em up your ass.

109. Now, I know there's only four levels in the game,

110. so it's kinda the same deal as Karate Kid.

111. It's a short game,

112. but it's as hard as a fuckin' T-rex's shit.

113. Now, because I've never passed that refueling plane,

114. I've never seen the last two levels.

115. So, what I've decided to do here

116. is to create my own version of what I think

117. the last two levels may be like.

118. Mission Three, Blow Shit Up.

119. Mission 4, Vent Your Anger and Destroy the TV.

120. Die!

121. Hadouken!

122. Sonic Boom!

123. Well, if you just haven't had enough fun

124. torturing yourself with this awful game,

125. and you still want some more, well, guess what?

126. You're in luck.

127. There's a sequel, Top The Second Mission,

128. which doesn't really make much sense,

129. because it sounds like you're talking about

130. the second mission in the first Top Gun.

131. So, whatever.

132. I mean, wouldn't this be Mission Five and up?

133. Even the tops of the game cartridges

134. look completely identical.

135. Top Gun and Top Gun.

136. If you have a microscope,

137. you might be able to read The Second Mission under there.

138. Now, to tell you the truth,

139. the second Top Gun isn't as bad as the original.

140. But it sure is a hell of a lot fuckin' harder,

141. if you could actually believe that.

142. The gameplay is a lot faster.

143. You can fly upside-down and spin around,

144. although I don't really know what the point of that is.

145. And there's also not as many dead spots

146. where you're just waiting for something to happen

147. and looking for enemies.

148. Here, your enemies come after you right away,

149. and they just blow you out of the sky,

150. so you have to really think fast.

151. The missiles are really hard to dodge,

152. and just like the first time,

153. one missile is enough to kill you.

154. But this time,

155. they're even worse because they're faster,

156. and they don't seem to come anywhere near

157. as close as they did before.

158. In the original Top Gun,

159. when a missile hits you, it looks like this.

160. And in the sequel, it looks like this,

161. much farther away.

162. If you played the original first,

163. you're gonna be really disoriented

164. that you have so much less time to get out of the way.

165. Besides, they still look like bowling balls on fire.

166. I never made it past the first stage,

167. but that's also because

168. I don't have the patience for this crap.

169. Now, adding to this game, there's a Versus mode.

170. The one-player game where you battle the computer

171. is impossible.

172. Your opponent just disappears right away.

173. He flies right behind you,

174. and just blasts your ass to oblivion.

175. The two-player game is what it is.

176. It's just two players shoot each other up.

177. The one thing I find really disappointing

178. is that after you blow up your opponent,

179. you see him escape in a parachute.

180. You don't want that to happen.

181. You wanna see him die.

182. Anyway, that's all I have to say about this garbage.

183. Fuckballs.