The Angry Video Game Nerd 1x1

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The Nerd makes his first ever game review, and tries to tackle Castlevania II: Simon’s Quest for the NES, revealing the many flaws and issues that came with it. This is Angry Video Game Nerd Episode 1.

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1. - This game sucks.

2. Castlevania I and III are great classic Nintendo games,

3. but for Castlevania II, Simon's Quest, the game designers

4. obviously were not thinking straight.

5. At first it seems like a pretty decent game, a little

6. different from the first in the series, but, that's okay.

7. Zelda 2 was different from the first, Mario 2 was different,

8. but they were all good.

9. The first thing that's strikingly different is the fact that

10. you have to go through towns, talk to people and buy stuff.

11. I never really minded that, it makes it a little more like

12. an adventure story and it's kinda like Zelda, so that's

13. okay.

14. But the first problem comes in when it changes from day to

15. night.

16. Why does this need to happen so often, like every five

17. minutes?

18. Why does it take so long?

19. Nobody feels like sitting through this every time.

20. How would you like it if you were playin' a game and then

21. every five minutes I came over and paused it then counted

22. 10 tedious seconds and then let you continue play the game?

23. Now, I mean, why did they think that that would be a good

24. idea and interrupt the game play?

25. Did they think it would be more realistic?

26. I mean in real life I don't have to stop in my tracks when

27. the sun sets and a fuckin' box doesn't pop up in the air.

28. I mean this is one of the most annoying features in any game

29. ever.

30. What's the point?

31. Yeah the, I mean, the monsters are stronger at night and the

32. stores are closed, but why's that necessary and why does the

33. game have to stop?

34. It's fuckin' retarded.

35. And why do you have to die when you fall in the water?

36. That's the stupidest thing I've ever seen, this guy can go

37. all over fightin' hordes of evil monsters,

38. but he can't even fuckin' swim?

39. Sometimes I don't feel like goin' down the stairs just to

40. get down to ground level, I mean there's no reason I should

41. have to do that when I can just take a shortcut and jump

42. down.

43. But oops, I shouldn't do that, there might be water down

44. there.

45. Another thing that's really annoying about this game, is the

46. fact that you have to buy weapons and items.

47. I mean still that's not uncommon, you know like I said

48. that's the same thing you have to do in many great games

49. like Zelda, but, lemme explain.

50. Here you have to collect hearts, which count as money,

51. I mean that's kinda odd, because usually hearts count as

52. life or energy, y'know, so that's kinda strange,

53. but, y'know that's not the point.

54. The point is that the items you need to buy are too fuckin'

55. expensive, and the hearts don't add up enough.

56. It takes too long to get enough of them to buy something

57. and it gets boring wandering around killing the same

58. monsters over and over again just so you can buy a Flame

59. Whip or somethin'.

60. Speaking of Flame Whip, that's pretty weird itself isn't it,

61. I mean, they were really being creative with that one, the

62. Flame Whip.

63. Anyway, about the hearts.

64. It takes too long to buy stuff, and, to add onto the

65. problem, when you die, you lose all your hearts and you have

66. to start all over again.

67. I mean doing this doesn't add to any of the games difficulty

68. or challenge, it just makes us have to do more of the same

69. monotonous stuff over again, and it's not fun, it's boring.

70. Oh look, I finally got enough hearts to go and buy a plant

71. that I need to cross the swamp, now let me get to the store.

72. Oh shit, it's fuckin' nighttime, now the stores are all

73. closed and I have to wait for it to turn day again.

74. Oh well, I might as well kill some zombies in the mean time

75. and stock up on some more hearts.

76. Oh shit, now I gotta start all over again.

77. One of the worst things in the game are the Pitfalls which

78. are areas where there's like stones or blocks that look like

79. you could walk on them, but instead you just fall through.

80. It's impossible to tell where these spots are the first time

81. walkin' through, so you just have to keep throwin' Holy

82. Water all over to see where they are.

83. It's retarded.

84. Why should I have to do that?

85. Again it doesn't add up to any of the fun, y'know, challenge

86. of the game, it's just unfair and it's annoying.

87. In the dungeons, there's no bosses at the end, which is a

88. big disappointment.

89. Every Nintendo gamester knows that at the end of a level or

90. a dungeon, labyrinth, whatever there's always supposed to be

91. a big guy who ya fight, but here, they just got lazy and

92. only put a few bosses in the game and left some of the

93. dungeons just empty like this one.

94. So most of the dungeons you go through, the mansions to be

95. exact, there's nothing at the end except for a crystal orb

96. that you can't touch.

97. In the rest of the Castlevania games the tradition goes like

98. this.

99. You fight a boss, you defeat 'em, then an orb comes down and

100. you touch it, there you go, on to the next level.

101. But in Castlevania II, how would you ever figure out that

102. you're supposed to throw an Oak Stake at that orb.

103. I mean when you first get the Oak Stake you assume it's a

104. weapon, and you throw it, only to find that it does

105. absolutely nothing, and that you waste it by throwing it, so

106. you have to get it all over again.

107. There are parts in the game that are definitely not

108. self-explanatory and are too hard to figure out.

109. Take this dead end for example.

110. Would you guess that you're supposed to pass through this

111. wall?

112. How?

113. You have to kneel down by it for like 10 seconds.

114. Now still, that's not enough to make it so cryptic and

115. hidden that we can't figure it out, oh please,

116. give us more for our buck and make it harder so we can

117. wander around the whole game and exhaust every possibility

118. before we find out.

119. Okay, guess what?

120. You need to have a Red Crystal selected,

121. and be kneeling down, and wait a little while before this

122. magic tornado comes and takes you to the next part of the

123. game.

124. Most of the townspeople have things to say which aren't

125. important at all, so why do you have to read 'em?

126. Here in the dungeons, there's books that you may find which

127. actually give you clues about things in the game that you

128. may need to know about, but when I find these books half the

129. time it's by accident, so I may hit the button and cancel it

130. out which means I don't even get to read it and I don't have

131. a second chance.

132. Why can't I do that when it changes from day to night, that

133. would actually be helpful.

134. So what the game designers figured is this.

135. It isn't absolutely necessary for me to read about how to

136. find Dracula's castle or what I'm supposed to do with an Oak

137. Stake, but what I do need to read, again and again

138. constantly, is, The morning sun has vanquished the horrible

139. night.

140. How about vanquished this horrible game!

141. The only sure way to get through this awful game is to enter

142. a code, but even that is way more tedious than it should be.

143. While most of the Castlevania games have symbols you enter

144. for a code, this one just has a whole bunch of numbers.

145. I mean like one of those little parts would be enough for a

146. password, but why, four, like why so many.

147. In general I hate games that have passwords like this

148. because sometimes they have uppercase and lowercase letters.

149. Like the Is, you know, look like Is, the 0s look like Os,

150. the 8s look like 5s so, why does there have to be so many

151. digits, y'know, like why can't it just be numbers or

152. somethin', like y'know, just numbers and not letters.

153. I mean, it takes me like five minutes to enter this code

154. when it should only take like five seconds.

155. It's friggin' stupid.

156. Okay, so, say we enter the code, and we go to Dracula's

157. castle.

158. You'll be pretty disappointed how anticlimactic this game

159. is.

160. It isn't even worth putting in a code, let alone playing the

161. whole game all the way through which if you did I feel bad

162. for you.

163. I mean first of all, there's no enemies in Dracula's castle,

164. you just walk all the way through and the only obstacles are

165. just, like, goin' up and down steps which won't hurt you and

166. they aren't challenging either, it's just tedious.

167. I mean what the hell's the point of going through the castle

168. if there's no way to fight.

169. Did the game designers just like run out of time or

170. somethin'?

171. So then you get up to Dracula and guess what, he doesn't

172. look anything like Dracula,

173. he looks like a grim reaper and he throws sickles.

174. I mean did the people who made this game even know what

175. Dracula is?

176. He's a fuckin' vampire.

177. All right, on top of everything, Dracula's way too easy.

178. Check this out.

179. This is a trick I discovered myself and, so could you

180. without the help of any strategy guide.

181. When Dracula first appears he stands there for a while and

182. he gives you plenty of time to land lots of free hits.

183. Not only does he stand there for a long time,

184. but everything that hits him will stun him and give you even

185. more time.

186. Naturally you'll prob'ly be using the flames because it's

187. one of the most effective weapons in the game,

188. but using it against Dracula, it makes it simply impossible

189. for him to even do anything.

190. He has no chance.

191. The second you start throwin' that shit at him, you've

192. already won.

193. I mean, why is it that easy?

194. Did they even test this shitty game out before they released

195. it?

196. What a piece of shit.

197. I mean I feel horrible that I had to play this game in order

198. to make this video, but I did it to demonstrate its

199. dreadfulness and I forced myself to play it just so that you

200. don't have to.

201. So you should thank me for telling you to stay away from

202. this horrible steaming pile of goat shit.

203. I mean, I know it's useless complaining about a game that

204. was made back in the late '80s, or early '90s or whatever,

205. but it just blows my mind how fuckin' horrible it is, I mean

206. it's consistently annoying.

207. Why, why is it so bad?

208. If all these problems were changed then we'd have a great

209. trilogy of classic Castlevania games, but, history is

210. history, and we might as well try to count Castlevania III

211. as, you know the second in the series and leave,

212. this awful piece of horse shit alone, as it stands today as

213. one of the biggest fuck-ups of all time.

214. Thank you for listening, good night

215. The ending sucks too.