The Andy Milonakis Show 3x3

1. Ah.

2. Yes.

3. Really?

4. Try.

5. Where do you live?

6. Where you from?

7. What are you doing later?

8. What's your favorite color?

9. What do you like to do?

10. Huh, huh, huh, huh?

11. I live in Los Angeles.

12. I win.

13. What's your favorite color?

14. Blue?

15. Oh, awesome.

16. Where you from?

17. New York?

18. Oh, awesome.

19. What do you like to do?

20. I'm just doing my taxes.

21. Where you going today?

22. I'm going to the mall.

23. Really?

24. Awesome, awesome, awesome.

25. I win.

26. I win.

27. I win.

28. I win.

29. I'm the fastest interviewer in the world.

30. Are you guys ready?

31. Yes.

32. What's your favorite color?

33. What's your favorite color?

34. Where you from?

35. Where you from?

36. What do you like to eat?

37. What do you like to eat?

38. What are you doing later?

39. What are you doing later?

40. Are you doing your taxes?

41. Blah, blah, blah!

42. I win.

43. me.

44. Blaow!

45. I'm the fastest interviewer in the world.

46. What's your favorite color?

47. What'd you eat for breakfast?

48. Where'd you get that bag?

49. Where you going later?

50. What are you doing today?

51. Huh, huh, huh?

52. Um, therapy.

53. I win!

54. And you win.

55. Yea.

56. Yeah, I need a dog walker for tomorrow to walk my

57. little baby dog.

58. Hi.

59. Good morning.

60. How you doing?

61. I am dog walker.

62. Oh, come on in.

63. Thank you.

64. Okay.

65. All right.

66. So my dog is a little bit cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs.

67. What's her name?

68. Uh, it's, uh, It's Booby-Bobby-Bobba-Bobba.

69. Well, that's her nickname.

70. Booby-bah-bah-bah-bah.

71. Yeah.

72. Say, "Hey, little baby."

73. Okay.

74. Just try it.

75. Hi, baby.

76. Hi, baby.

77. Hi, Boba.

78. Hi, Bobo.

79. Hi, Lilly-Lolly.

80. I'm rubbing your belly.

81. I'm rubbing your belly.

82. I'm rubbing your belly.

83. I'm rubbing— She likes that.

84. She likes you.

85. She likes it.

86. Oh.

87. Okay, you ready?

88. Ready.

89. Okay.

90. She is— look, she's so pretty.

91. Ah!

92. This is the dog?

93. Yeah.

94. This is the dog.

95. This is dog, no?

96. Not really a dog.

97. Look.

98. Kiss her bones.

99. You have to walk her soon, because she has

100. to go to the potty.

101. Do you have a leash?

102. This is how you walk her.

103. Just walk her like that.

104. Okay, just walk her down the street.

105. I got work to do.

106. I'll see you in, like, an hour and 20 minutes.

107. Down the street, okay?

108. Okay, thank you.

109. Down the street.

110. Yeah.

111. All right, bye-bye.

112. All right, bye-bye.

113. Whoa!

114. What is that scary stuff?

115. It's just water, Ralphie.

116. Whoo!

117. I thought it was a demon.

118. You're scared of everything.

119. No, I'm not.

120. I'm brave!

121. If you were brave, you would've gone camping

122. with me last week.

123. Because I'm scared of a tarantula biting me to death.

124. See?

125. Scared.

126. I bet you wouldn't last a single night in the woods.

127. How much you'd give me?

128. I'll bet you the other half of your brain that I stole

129. from you a couple years ago.

130. Mm.

131. That brain looks good.

132. Mm.

133. Do we have a deal?

134. A-mah-mah-mah-mah.

135. Deal!

136. To the woods, I say!

137. All right, Ralphie.

138. Let me get a can of beans.

139. Dude, this can's empty.

140. Yeah, all those cans was mad heavy with all them beans in it.

141. Ralphie, that was our only source of food

142. and you threw it out?

143. No!

144. I still kept the beans.

145. But Ralphie, if you kept the beans in your pockets,

146. it's same amount of weight as if they were in the cans.

147. Aha ha ha!

148. Maybe if you were a little, stupid girl.

149. What the meat was that?

150. I don't know.

151. Will we find out later?

152. Yes.

153. What's up, y'all?

154. What's up?

155. Can we ask you a question?

156. Yeah.

157. Why?

158. Why, cowards?

159. Why?

160. Keep it real.

161. Thank you.

162. Touching, touching, touching.

163. I like to touch.

164. Touch, touch, touch.

165. Touch, touch, touch, touch.

166. Touchy-touch.

167. I touch you, helicopter full of commando lizards.

168. I touch you, relaxing gorilla.

169. I touch you, shoe duck.

170. I love touching stuff.

171. It's so stupid and fun!

172. Yea.

173. Before touching stuff, I didn't know what to do with my life.

174. But now I do.

175. And it's to touch.

176. And I owe it all to you, angry presumably dead lady.

177. Thank you so touch—I mean, much.

178. What else can I touch?

179. I love this!

180. Newscaster Andy: This just in!

181. Breaking news.

182. Touching has been outlawed everywhere.

183. That means you, Andy Milonakis.

184. No, that's so unfair!

185. You gots to help me!

186. What am I gonna do with my stinkin' life now?

187. I opened 14 cans today.

188. What did you do?

189. Drip, drop, drip.

190. Drip, drop, drip.

191. Yeah!

192. We're number one!

193. We're number one!

194. What are we doing?

195. Hello, young people.

196. Can I ask you a question?

197. Sure, what's the question?

198. Why?

199. Why, cowards?

200. You ruined me!

201. You ruined me!

202. I'm sorry.

203. I didn't understand the question.

204. Okay.

205. Why?

206. Why, cowards?

207. You ruined me!

208. Are we the cowards?

209. Are we the cowards?

210. I think you know the answer to that.

211. Pff.

212. Ugh, I feel sick.

213. Ralphie, do I look sick?

214. You don't look sick.

215. You really do look kinda sick, Andy?

216. I told you, man.

217. You sick, man.

218. You sick.

219. Yeah, you sick.

220. Yeah, he's sick.

221. I'm still scared of this scary stuff in

222. the woods or whatever.

223. Ralphie, I knew you weren't gonna last the night.

224. Listen, a lot of people don't know this, but these here woods

225. are haunted by the ghost of a vengeful Scotch tape dispenser.

226. Is that true?

227. I don't know.

228. You tell me!

229. Ah!

230. I wanna go.

231. I'm Sherlock Holmes, bro.

232. You are?

233. Yeah, I'm Sherlock, Holmes.

234. My name is Watson.

235. What about it?

236. No, this is Watts, son.

237. No, that's— Oh, that's Watts.

238. That's the most ridiculous thing I ever heard.

239. You were the only one there, bro.

240. Tell me how to do it, you know.

241. How'd you do it?

242. I hid under the table...

243. and broke her ankle.

244. Oh, so you're confessing right now?

245. So I'm gonna just, like, get the cops in here and arrest you

246. right now?

247. Did you just kill her like that?

248. You just kill her like that?

249. Pardon me.

250. I'm Sherlock, homes.

251. I'm Sherlock, homes.

252. I'm Sherlock, homes.

253. Listen, man.

254. I need some answers, man.

255. You are putting mad lifes in danger, bro.

256. You're putting mad lifes in danger.

257. You're putting mad lifes in dangers.

258. You're putting like lifes in dangers.

259. Silly String, I gotta be honest with you.

260. You're just not that silly.

261. Your name is Silly String.

262. You just don't do anything that's too silly, like—

263. can't you be a little silly, like—I don't know.

264. Hey, Andy.

265. Meet my new friend Andrew.

266. Ain't he the coolest?

267. Hey.

268. Hey, what are you up to, Andy?

269. I was just gonna play some two-player—

270. not three-player—backgammon.

271. Wanna join me, Ralphie?

272. No, thanks.

273. Me and Andrew just played.

274. He's a pro!

275. Fact is I'm the best player on earth... and the moon.

276. Do you guys want something to drink?

277. Yeah.

278. Got any sparkling water?

279. It's gotta be sparkling water, Andy!

280. That's what he drinks!

281. Ah.

282. Let's see how Cool Andrew likes some of this.

283. Me, for Ralphie, and Andrew.

284. Here's your totally inconspicuous, green,

285. sparkling water.

286. Enjoy.

287. Pretty good deadly acid.

288. Nice try, Andy, but my whole family's immune.

289. Isn't that the coolest thing you ever heard?

290. Shut up, Ralphie.

291. Andy, what's that thing on your wrist?

292. Oh, nothing, just my cool bump.

293. Hey, Andrew.

294. You got a cool bump?

295. Oh...

296. yeah, of course.

297. Yeah, everybody has those.

298. You ain't got no cool bump.

299. You're a fraud.

300. Eeee!

301. Eeee!

302. Eeee!

303. I'm sorry, Andy.

304. You're the coolest!

305. It's okay, Ralphie.

306. Just never cross me again.

307. Ah!

308. Boy fish, do you take girl fish to be your

309. lawfully-wedded wife?

310. I do.

311. I now pronounce you married.

312. Yea.

313. Yea.

314. Yea.

315. You did it.

316. Yea.

317. Yea.

318. Time for your honeymoon...

319. in my tummy.

320. Mm.

321. Newscaster Andy: Anymore news from the scene, Andy?

322. Lost a lot of salt.

323. Doesn't look good.

324. Newscaster Andy: In happier news, a bunch of old men were

325. eaten by squirrels today.

326. Oh, no!

327. No, Andy.

328. I'm deathly afraid of darts.

329. Deathly afraid.

330. Hey, lady.

331. I didn't win this ribbon for nothing, all right?

332. Ah!

333. Don't you worry, Rivka.

334. I'm sure I'll get a bull's-eye this time, as long as I don't

335. slip on something.

336. slip on something.

337. Oh, Iraq.

338. This stinks!

339. Aha ha.

340. Jerk face.

341. Hello, chap.

342. Hey, jerks!

343. Have you ever drank water?

344. Hmm.

345. I believe I have.

346. Sure, we all have.

347. But I bet we can all agree that water is sucky, totally boring,

348. and makes you look like an eyehole when you drink it.

349. Hey, that wasn't nice!

350. Introducing New Water!

351. New Water looks and tastes exactly like old water, except

352. it's in this cool, new bottle with this awesome new label that

353. adds the excitement that only the word "new" can.

354. New Water does not give you the ability to run faster...

355. jump higher...

356. or shoot lasers.

357. And it does not give you the ability

358. to solve difficult math problems.

359. Gee, thanks.

360. Now I'm never gonna know the answer.

361. Still not convinced?

362. Watch me knock a stack of books out of this jerk's hand.

363. Wow!

364. That is pretty convincing.

365. Boom!

366. Sucks to be that guy.

367. Hey!

368. Order New Water today in hot, cold and coming soon,

369. room temperature.

370. This is Ralphie speaking with his mind.

371. I can hear my voice in my head.

372. Yesterday, I thought about this idea—a cereal called Proposeo's

373. with a diamond ring in every box and when you find the ring you

374. marry the box and live a long, happy life.

375. The box will always love you and never yell at you for drying

376. your wet feet in the microwave.

377. Andy asks, "Yo, Ralphie, how'd your feet get wet?"

378. You idiot-jerk.

379. Put 'em in the fish tank, Andy.

380. It feel mighty good when fish kiss my toes, stupid.

381. And update.

382. Love your apartment, Andy.

383. You've got so many great knickknacks.

384. Yes, I do.

385. And believe it or not, every single thing in this apartment

386. has an amazing story that goes with it.

387. Oh, really?

388. Ooh.

389. Where'd you get this peculiar item?

390. Ah.

391. The white bottle cap.

392. Well, it was November 23rd.

393. And me and the Three 6 Mafia were hanging out.

394. Lard ass!

395. Dance, fat boy, dance!

396. Do the dance!

397. Crisco or something.

398. Stop!

399. You better stop or I'm not gonna give you the antidote.

400. Oh, man, I forgot.

401. That's what we're here for.

402. Yeah, we did eat that poison.

403. One more for good luck though.

404. Or maybe two.

405. And that's when we were besieged

406. by bloodthirsty "catamaran" toads.

407. Get off me, man!

408. Crazy mutha— I knew this

409. was gonna happen!

410. Damn!

411. We should've never came to this little,

412. fat house!

413. You're a crazy!

414. Let me help.

415. Hey, not with the gun!

416. And then...

417. Okay, here we go, boys.

418. Let's eat.

419. one for you and one for you.

420. Oh!

421. Man, why do you that?

422. You.

423. you!

424. And that, my friend, is how babies are ma—

425. I mean, the white cap I got— how I got it.

426. I don't believe you.

427. The whole story, you didn't say one word about the white cap.

428. Oh, yeah, um, Juicy left it here... something.

429. That's a pretty unlikely story.

430. I'm leaving.

431. It's all true, old man.

432. You got a problem with that?

433. Hey, can we take him out back and whoop his ass?

434. On one condition: you promise never to throw

435. butter at me while calling me a fat-ass again.

436. You know we can't promise you that, Andy.

437. Okay, take him.

438. Yeah.

439. Biah!

440. The leech phone is eating my brain.

441. The stingray plays the xylophone with his antlers.

442. Ah! Shark!

443. Where, where?

444. Aye, captain, aye, captain.

445. Yum, yum, ah, ah, ah, ah.

446. Hey, Andy, if you're ever looking for something fun to do

447. you can always glue cereal to your face and eat garbage.