The Andy Milonakis Show 2x6

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In this episode, Christmas comes early for Andy, and Seth Green shows us the secret handshake!

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1. Hey, what are you doing,

2. Ralphie?

3. I'm touring Mexico, Andy.

4. Shalom.

5. I hate myself.

6. Free stuff.

7. Free stuff.

8. You don't really have to do

9. anything.

10. All you have to do is sign this

11. contract, saying that I get your

12. soul.

13. No way.

14. I'll just take your hopes and

15. dreams instead.

16. Please.

17. Come on, you never use your

18. soul, just sign it.

19. All you've got to do is sign

20. and date.

21. Let's see what the hell this

22. is all about.

23. Hell, ha ha ha.

24. I like the way you think, lady.

25. Blow, Blow, Blow.

26. You don't really have to read

27. it.

28. It's just boring like jargon.

29. It' just basically says that I

30. get to have your soul for all

31. eternity and that you'll perish

32. in hell.

33. I don't like the devil.

34. You don't like the devil?

35. When was the last time that

36. God gave you a free tea kettle?

37. The devil will.

38. The devil's a nice guy.

39. So what would you like?

40. I'll take this can opener.

41. With the can opener you could

42. open food like you want a good

43. last meal right before you come

44. to hell for eternity, because we

45. don't really have food, you just

46. have to eat hot coal there.

47. Okay.

48. Thank you.

49. Merry Christmas and see you in

50. hell.

51. A diet of blood, crickets,

52. moths, bees.

53. Hey Andy, I just lost a game

54. of poker to Larry.

55. Now, you belong to him.

56. How can you do that to me,

57. Ralphie?

58. I went with my gut, but it

59. turns out that my gut is a real

60. jerk.

61. Fine, you're the boss of me

62. now, Larry.

63. What do you want?

64. Well, I could use another

65. fighting janitor.

66. Mine's lonely now.

67. Great, I can't wait.

68. Herschel, I have a surprise

69. for you.

70. A sparring partner?

71. Round one.

72. Come on.

73. Get him.

74. Get him.

75. Kill him.

76. Andy, you suck at janitor

77. fighting.

78. I'll never play poker with

79. Ralphie again.

80. No!

81. Hi, could I place a delivery

82. order please?

83. Yeah, can I have a beef with

84. mushrooms, a schezwan chicken,

85. and a white rice, small.

86. You order.

87. Come inside please.

88. All right.

89. First, let me get Ralphie.

90. Oh hello.

91. How much is the food?

92. How much is the food?

93. Food?

94. How much is the food?

95. How much is the food?

96. How much is the glorious food?

97. Good.

98. Eat the food.

99. Like to tap.

100. Like to tap.

101. We like to tap.

102. One, two.

103. Like to tap.

104. Like to tap.

105. Like to tap.

106. Like to tap with the food.

107. Like to tap.

108. Like to tap.

109. Like to slippery, slippery,

110. slippery tap.

111. Slippery, slippery, I like to

112. tap.

113. I like to tap.

114. I like to tap.

115. Can you feed me a brownie,

116. sir?

117. Excuse me, will you feed me?

118. Feed me a brownie.

119. Please, I just want one brownie.

120. I can almost reach it.

121. I just want one brownie.

122. I'm wasting away to nothing.

123. I just want one brownie.

124. All right here.

125. Go ahead.

126. Who locked you up like that?

127. I don't know.

128. I just woke up like this.

129. All right.

130. How dare you feed me?

131. It says don't feed the human.

132. I'm a diabetic.

133. Oh no.

134. Now, I'm going to be in

135. trouble and I'm going to get

136. sick.

137. Can you feed me a brownie?

138. There's a sign that says,

139. "Don't feed the human."

140. Oh, that's just there for

141. decoration.

142. Okay, here I'm going to give

143. you a little piece of brownie.

144. Okay, thanks.

145. Who put you in this?

146. It's illegal.

147. How dare you feed me?

148. It says "Do not feed the human."

149. I'm going to get whipped and

150. beaten tonight because you were

151. irresponsible.

152. Feed me.

153. Feed me please.

154. Please.

155. Thank you.

156. Thank you for not listening to

157. rules.

158. Now my life is over.

159. Hmmm.

160. No!

161. I guess I'm a hero now.

162. You hear that everybody.

163. I'm a hero.

164. I'm a hero.

165. Hello.

166. Thank you everyone.

167. I bet it's a real treat for all

168. of you to listen to such a hero

169. speak.

170. And I want to thank all of

171. you for making me who I am today

172. and I promise to lead you all

173. into the future.

174. Not as Andy Milonakis the man,

175. but as Andy Milonakis the

176. surpreme leader of everything.

177. I will rule you now.

178. This is my universe.

179. You are all nothing, you are

180. pawns in my little game.

181. You are all pawns.

182. Who would do such a thing?

183. You, you idiot, bastards.

184. I was your hero.

185. Step right up and watch the

186. magnificent Milonakis escape.

187. Watch me escape.

188. Ready?

189. Uh, it doesn't come off.

190. I can do it.

191. I can do it.

192. Don't laugh at me.

193. Can you maybe?

194. Can you help me a little without

195. touching me?

196. Don't touch me though.

197. Just help me.

198. Can you just grab the strap, but

199. no, no, don't touch it.

200. Just grab it.

201. Go ahead and just grab it with

202. your hands without touching it.

203. Don't touch it.

204. Touch it without touching it.

205. Ah.

206. Ah.

207. With your hands actually grab

208. onto the strap without touching

209. it, without touching it, without

210. touching it.

211. No, no, no without touching it.

212. Certificate of impatience.

213. Oh, it's just what I wanted.

214. Yes.

215. Ahh.

216. Hmmm.

217. What the hay?

218. You ate my cookies, didn't you

219. oven?

220. What?

221. I was hungry.

222. You stupid, idiot, jerk face,

223. jerk loser.

224. I'm never talking to you again.

225. Andy, wait.

226. Maybe I was too hard on him.

227. I'm sorry Andy, but I

228. couldn't live with the guilt of

229. eating a fat boy's cookies.

230. I'm not fat.

231. You ready?

232. All done.

233. Thank you.

234. Now I can wear four pairs of

235. glasses.

236. I've been working on my

237. impressions for a long time and

238. I think I have you pinned.

239. Can I try to do an impression of

240. you?

241. Go ahead.

242. Look at me, I've got a

243. leather hat and I've got a big

244. knife in my cane and I'm going

245. to slice the world, I'm a

246. warrior.

247. Ah, that's good, ah.

248. Thanks.

249. I've got you nailed right?

250. I got, you got that right.

251. I've been working on an

252. impression of you for two

253. months.

254. Can I do it?

255. Do you mind?

256. Yes, I don't mind.

257. Look at me, I have a Yankee

258. hat on and gloves.

259. I hop around like a bunny all

260. day.

261. I've got a brown collar.

262. That's what I do all day.

263. Blah, blah, blah.

264. Was that good?

265. Not bad at all.

266. I've been working on an

267. impression of you.

268. I want to do it for you.

269. Can I do it?

270. Sure.

271. Look at my hair, I've got a

272. little birdie on my shirt.

273. Hi, little birdie, you're my

274. friend.

275. Look at my hair, I put all the

276. grease in it.

277. It smells like banana nut bread.

278. What do I do now?

279. I don't know.

280. I don't know.

281. I don't know.

282. I don't know.

283. Can I do an impression of you?

284. I've been working on it for like

285. two months.

286. Okay.

287. Are you sure that you don't

288. mind?

289. Uh uh.

290. Look at my blue scarf.

291. Blah, blah, blah, blue scarf.

292. I'm a dumb idiot, I have a pink

293. bag and I don't know what's in

294. it, because I don't know what

295. stuff is.

296. Oh my gosh.

297. What's wrong with you?

298. Ahhh.

299. Oh it's here.

300. Yes.

301. Yes, my duck call is here.

302. Duck.

303. Oww.

304. Duck.

305. Ah, stop it.

306. Andy, why didn't you listen

307. to me?

308. You're usually wrong, Larry.

309. Pigeon.

310. Yeah, it's a blessing in

311. disguise.

312. Hmmm.

313. Yummy!

314. Wow, it must be so cool

315. having a long neck like that.

316. I'm so fat.

317. Ooh, that's much better.

318. Now, I'm a hot little thing.

319. If you're waiting for the

320. Andy Milokanis show, don't eat

321. it.

322. It's a TV show, don't eat it.

323. Shut up, you lazy, filthy

324. dog.

325. You try to hold the cookies, you

326. dumb, stupid, jerk idiot.

327. Don't take it out on her,

328. Andy.

329. Take it out on scream pal.

330. Go ahead, scream at him.

331. Okay.

332. I dropped my plate of cookies.

333. It made me really mad.

334. Everyone made fun of me and made

335. me even more angry.

336. See?

337. Don't you feel better now?

338. Kind of.

339. What do you mean?

340. You're supposed to feel way

341. better.

342. What the hell is wrong with you,

343. you little jerk?

344. Hey, why don't you take it

345. out on the scream pal?

346. Oh sorry, you're right.

347. You stupid scream pal, you're

348. supposed to make people feel

349. better about screaming.

350. You idiot.

351. You moron.

352. You're worthless.

353. How does that make you feel?

354. All right, I guess.

355. Just all right.

356. How is it going to make you just

357. feel all right?

358. You're the one selling the

359. product and it only makes you

360. feel all right.

361. You're like, try the scream pal,

362. it's the best, it's the best.

363. Call the number on your screen

364. today, today, today.

365. Order a scream pal.

366. Andy, fishing is mad boring.

367. We've been here for hours.

368. Yeah, but come on, we're

369. spending time together, you

370. know.

371. Oh my God I've got something.

372. Oh my God it's big.

373. Pull it in.

374. It's big.

375. It's big.

376. I'm going to lose it.

377. That's a mad, big fish.

378. I can't pull it in.

379. Take it out.

380. I can't pull it.

381. Oh, take it out.

382. Give me.

383. Give me.

384. Thanks so much for inviting

385. me to your hot diggety dog

386. palooza celebration of the

387. annual time and winter solstice.

388. Yeah, no problem, let's

389. diggety dog it up Seth.

390. Let's do it.

391. Just let me get a.

392. Umm, mustard, I love it, love

393. it, love it.

394. Hmm, hmm, hmm.

395. Do you think that I could get

396. some of your mustard?

397. Do you know the secret

398. handshake?

399. What, you don't think I know

400. the secret handshake?

401. Does this answer your

402. question Andy?

403. Bam.

404. Ahh.

405. Ahhh.

406. Let it begin.

407. I'm sorry.

408. I'm sorry.

409. Whoo.

410. How's that for a secret

411. handshake?

412. Huh?

413. Sorry, that wasn't it.

414. Oh, well, that's okay, I hate

415. mustard anyway.

416. Well see you next year for the

417. annual hot diggety dog palooza.

418. Oh definitely.

419. Yeah.

420. See ya.

421. Peace.

422. Next week on the Andy

423. Milonakis Show.

424. Oh my God!

425. I am a robot.

426. That's a guy.

427. Ay, poppy.

428. Hee haw.