The Andy Milonakis Show 2x5

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In this episode, Andy has a haircut, gets strangled by Mike Jones, Ralphie wins the lotto & more!

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1. There comes a time in every boy's life when his body goes

2. through certain changes.

3. Sometimes these changes are disturbing for a young boy.

4. Make him feel...

5. ashamed.

6. That's why it's important to let him know those changes are

7. completely normal.

8. They're experienced by every boy.

9. Umm, lemon!

10. Be proud of your disgusting, filthy body.

11. ♪ I rock peas ♪ On my head

12. ♪ Pancake on my face ♪ Makes me extra happy

13. Excuse me, do you know

14. where the post office is?

15. Right here, man.

16. Who made you the president of directions?

17. Excuse me?

18. I know where everything is.

19. I'm the president of directions.

20. Ask me anything.

21. I have a GPS unit in my brain.

22. Excuse me?

23. Do you know what time it is?

24. It's 12:40, 20 to 1:00.

25. Who made you president of time?

26. Who made me president of— I'm not president of anything.

27. You're president of time.

28. You always know what time it is.

29. Because I have an appointment that I have to buy a quart...

30. It's always about time with you.

31. I'm on to ya.

32. Excuse me, what is this thing?

33. That's a tree.

34. Who made you the president of telling me what

35. things are?

36. Excuse me, can you tell me what

37. number comes after three?

38. Four.

39. Who made you president of numbers?

40. I know all about numbers.

41. Look at me.

42. I'm president of numbers.

43. What comes after four?

44. I bet you're gonna say five and six and seven.

45. You got a point.

46. I do got a point.

47. A decimal point.

48. Number man!

49. Are you guys ready to enter the

50. House of Freaks?

51. Yes, you been asking us that crap for an hour already!

52. Let us in!

53. Okay, okay.

54. That'll be $3.00 each.

55. Now feast your eyes on the freaks!

56. Look at that one!

57. It's hideous!

58. Is it even human?

59. That one looks half werewolf and half refrigerator.

60. The monster's moving his hand like I move mines.

61. Oh!

62. I've seen enough, Andy!

63. For the love of Pete, cover these beasts at once!

64. I could do that for another $3.00 each!

65. I'm blind!

66. Billy, grab those freaks.

67. We could sell them to the circus and make a million dollars.

68. Okay.

69. They're encased in glass!

70. I can't get them!

71. Hurry, hurry, hurry!

72. Can I place a delivery order, please?

73. Is it too late to order breakfast?

74. Okay, good.

75. Can I have an order of pancakes with butter and syrup?

76. Come in.

77. Oh!

78. The door's open.

79. Welcome to Andy Milonakis' fish shop.

80. The freshest fish in the world.

81. Tell me it's not a fresh fish.

82. I want to hear you say it's not a fresh fish.

83. No, no.

84. Look how cute he is.

85. Kitchen, kitchen.

86. Look how cute.

87. Oh, what's the matter?

88. You don't look so good.

89. You don't look so good right now.

90. Hey, where you going?

91. Are you gonna buy this fish?

92. $30.00.

93. I need to...

94. Who ordered this?

95. Put your hand inside the fish.

96. No, no, no, no.

97. Just put your hand— tell me it's not a fresh fish.

98. Put away fish.

99. Hey, I know what you want?

100. You want dolphin meat.

101. It's black market dolphin.

102. You eat this, and you don't—you don't sleep for three weeks.

103. Because dolphins they never sleep.

104. Andy Milonakis fish shop.

105. The give you free dolphin this time.

106. No one gives away free dolphin.

107. No one gives away free dolphin.

108. I don't give away free dolphin.

109. Why don't you want free dolphin?

110. Even my fish, he like a dolphin.

111. Even my fish, he like the dolphin.

112. I give you the fish.

113. The fish bigger than me.

114. The fish like it better than me.

115. Ah!

116. I give you money for the fish.

117. I need it better than me.

118. My hair is so shaggy.

119. Oh no, I look just like Wubbie.

120. What?

121. Wubbie, you fat, idiot dog!

122. I'm gonna kill that— Ha-ha, now you look like that

123. dumb Andy kid.

124. Hey, Andy, can I borrow your

125. can opener?

126. Yeah, it's in the kitchen.

127. Stop barking at me, Wubbie!

128. Bad dog, bad dog!

129. I'm not Wubbie!

130. Bad dog, bad dog, bad dog!

131. Oh, you're so cute.

132. Why do you have red ears, and how come you're wearing four

133. pairs of glasses?

134. That's just weird.

135. I'm wearing four pair of glasses?

136. No, I'm talking to the gnome.

137. That guy on your shoulder.

138. Now I'm really mixed up.

139. What did you just say to me?

140. I'm talking to the gnomes.

141. Who's the gnomes?

142. I'm very upset with you.

143. Why did you write, "I hate you," in Band-Aids on my bathroom

144. mirror?

145. I don't know.

146. Because— I'm talking to the

147. gnome.

148. Why would you do that?

149. To get noticed?

150. Depending what you think.

151. You know?

152. Let the gnome speak for himself.

153. He's old enough.

154. So this is how it's gonna be, huh?

155. Yes.

156. I'm talking to the gnome.

157. I cook your pancakes.

158. I made sure I never put anything meat in your stews because

159. you're a vegetarian.

160. Yes, I'm vegetarian.

161. No, not you.

162. The gnome!

163. I don't care if you're a vegetarian.

164. Gnome.

165. Listen, I said you could crash at my house, but what was rule

166. number one?

167. No eating blackberry jam sandwiches in my bed.

168. I had to wash the comforters and the sheets.

169. I don't eat anything in bed.

170. Huh?

171. I don't eat anything in bed.

172. No-no-no, I'm sorry.

173. I'm talking to the gnome.

174. He knows what he did.

175. Listen, I accept your apology.

176. Be at the house at 8:00 and bring the goosenecks.

177. I'm cooking stew.

178. Okay?

179. Okay.

180. No, she's not invited, definitely not.

181. Whee!

182. Andy, Andy, I got a lottery ticket.

183. Cool.

184. You got to watch me scratch it off, man.

185. Fine, scratch it off.

186. Cool, I won three cherries!

187. No, you didn't.

188. You won $50,000.

189. Oh, my God!

190. Yeah!

191. Y'all here because I won the

192. lottery, and y'all want some money.

193. Wow.

194. Since I'm a nice guy, I'm splitting it with all of y'all.

195. Whoo!

196. Now look in your envelopes.

197. Oh, no!

198. Ralphie, what did you do?

199. You ripped up the ticket!

200. What is wrong with you?

201. What the hell is wrong with you?

202. What is wrong with you?

203. Ralphie, how could you do that?

204. Andy, guess what?

205. That was a fake ticket.

206. This is the real one!

207. I'm only gonna share this ticket with one person.

208. That's my best friend Andy.

209. Aw.

210. Oh, that's a stupid waste!

211. A waste!

212. A waste!

213. Fine, you don't want it?

214. Give it back to me.

215. Excuse me, sir.

216. How much are your hot dogs?

217. One dollar.

218. One dollar?

219. Yeah.

220. I'm not leaving here until you sell me a hot dog

221. for one dollar!

222. I will not uncuff myself until you sell me a hot dog for a

223. dollar.

224. Is that clear?

225. Yeah.

226. I'm not leaving here until you give me a hot dog for a dollar

227. and put mustard on it for no extra charge.

228. I will not leave here until you do that.

229. Thank you.

230. Yeah, thank you.

231. Okay.

232. See ya.

233. Bye.

234. Mmmmm.

235. Yummy!

236. Mmmm.

237. Mmm.

238. Oh, gross, there's a apple in my worm!

239. Eeww!

240. It's in the worm again!

241. It's time to spin the mystery wheel.

242. Ooh!

243. What does that mean?

244. No!

245. No, mystery wheel!

246. That's not polite!

247. That's not right!

248. That's not right!

249. That's not right!

250. That's not right!

251. What did you get so excited about?

252. What are you doing?

253. Oh!

254. Oh, Andy, I'm afraid I've done something terrible.

255. Please help me.

256. Oh!

257. All right.

258. Please help me.

259. It's so terrible!

260. I did something terrible.

261. Oh, Andy, I did a terrible thing.

262. I got so carried away.

263. I pressed all the flavor indicator buttons down.

264. And now I don't know which soda is which!

265. No!

266. There's only one thing we can

267. do.

268. Yes.

269. You have to drink it.

270. What if I drink the root beer?

271. I'll turn into a pile of goo.

272. Ah, fiddley doo!

273. I'll drink it!

274. Guh!

275. Farewell, Andy.

276. Say hello to the sparrows for me.

277. Oh!

278. Ooh, a letter!

279. Dear Andy Milonakis...

280. Pffff!

281. Yeah, that's so dumb!

282. Oh, no!

283. I shouldn't have thrown it out!

284. I should have never thrown it out!

285. No, no!

286. No!

287. No!

288. Oh, no!

289. My babies!

290. No!

291. I'm sorry!

292. I'll send it!

293. I'll send it!

294. I'll send it!

295. Oh!

296. No!

297. Who could've done this?

298. Mm, I love eating snow!

299. Mmm, a yummy carrot!

300. Stupid TV.

301. Come on!

302. Ah!

303. Ugh!

304. Are you tired of the same old boring practical jokes?

305. And cliche gags?

306. Well, now you can take your

307. pranks to the next level with fake a clip!

308. Fake a clip looks and feels just like a real paper clip!

309. Even a real scientist can't tell the difference!

310. Fake a clip will fool anyone!

311. Even a certified public accountant!

312. This is not a real paper clip!

313. Aaaah!

314. And coming soon,

315. the faker stapler!

316. Hate this job!

317. We got tons of exotic items.

318. Just make me an offer, sonny.

319. Rhyme bag?

320. Is that for sale?

321. Sure is.

322. And if you buy that, you own every rhyme known to man.

323. And to woman.

324. I'll takes it!

325. Sounds good to me!

326. Yo, Mike!

327. We're on in five minutes!

328. All right.

329. Dandelion?

330. Where'd that come from?

331. Aardvark?

332. This ain't my rhyme.

333. What's going on, man?

334. Hello?

335. Hey, Mike, it's your manager!

336. Man, I'm glad you called, man.

337. 'Cause somebody stole my rhyme.

338. I can't rhyme anymore.

339. I know!

340. All the rhymes have been bought by some kid named Andy

341. Milonakis!

342. Who the hell is Andy Milonakis?

343. Turn on the TV!

344. ♪ Yo, my name is Andy ♪ I wanna slap you with

345. Mike Jones?

346. What's up, Mike Jones?

347. Aaah!

348. No!

349. Give me some of those rhymes!

350. No, they're mine!

351. Come on, man!

352. Maybe I'll lend you some.

353. Well, I definitely need daddy and Hennessy.

354. No way, man.

355. Those are way too popular.

356. How about I give you...

357. rhubarb?

358. How about I strangle your fat gooseneck until your eyeballs

359. pop out, bitch?

360. Come on, eyeballs, pop out

361. already!

362. Pop out.

363. Wait, you got the wrong guy.

364. I never stole it to begin with.

365. Well, who did it then?

366. It was him!

367. It was him!

368. You dirty son of a bitch!

369. That's right, I stole them once and I'll steal 'em

370. again!

371. Aaagh!

372. Gonna get yours now, son.

373. Thanks for the tip, Andy.

374. Oh, no problem.

375. Yeah!

376. Ah, my glorious bag of rhymes, aaah!

377. Yeah.

378. Mike Jones.

379. Hi, we're the cast of The Andy Milonakis Show.

380. Tonight's episode had a very special message.

381. Electricity is not free.

382. So make sure you turn the lights off whenever you leave

383. the room.

384. But leave 'em on when there's a killer in the house.

385. Sorry, Larry.

386. Ah, dead.

387. He's dead.