The Adventures of Sam & Max: Freelance Police 1x7

Directed by Steve Whitehouse

Sam & Max take the role of freelance marriage counselors to the gods, but failure will result in the duo being turned into geriatrics.

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Subtitle languages: English • Spanish • Brazilian Portuguese

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1. Not again.

2. This is the third time this morning.

3. Whew.

4. Hello.

5. Somebody call for a refrigerator repair?

6. In here.

7. Hello there, young lady.

8. Is your mommy home?

9. This isn't my home.

10. It's my lab.

11. And my mommy didn't call you.

12. I did.

13. Well, aren't we all grown up?

14. You must be Darla Gugenheek.

15. Please.

16. My friends call me the Geek.

17. Ah, the Cool Spot Super 6.

18. Dandy of a unit.

19. What seems to be the problem?

20. Well, for starters, it's possessed

21. by some unearthly presence, it sneaks up behind me a lot,

22. and it doesn't keep my soda cold.

23. Sounds like a power surge.

24. I'll have her fixed in a jiffy.

25. Right.

26. That's what the last two repair guys said.

27. No!

28. Darn you.

29. Darn you all to —

30. What, another one?

31. Well, this has just gone too far.

32. Computer. Working.

33. Put out an urgent call to Sam and Max.

34. Who?

35. Sam and Max.

36. Sam and Max.

37. Sam and Max.

38. Sam and Max.

39. Sam and Max: Freelance Police.

40. Last time on Sam and Max:

41. Boy, those were fun times, he said wistfully.

42. You can say that again, Max.

43. But like all dry spells and peach pits,

44. this too shall pass.

45. I sure hope so, Sam.

46. It's been at least five minutes since my last brush with death,

47. and I'm getting light in the head.

48. Try eating a cookie.

49. - I got it!

50. I got it!

51. Yes, uh huh.

52. 10-4. Affirmative.

53. Roger. Miller.

54. Gotcha. Check.

55. We're on it.

56. Was it the Commissioner?

57. Not exactly.

58. It was someone not unlike the Commissioner,

59. with all the intolerant intones of the commissioner, who

60. sounded the remarkably like the Geek,

61. and therefore could very well have been the Geek.

62. You have a long, black hair growing right out of your nose.

63. She says there's bad trouble down

64. in the Subbasement of Solitude.

65. It's a case.

66. To the lab.

67. Having fun, little pal?

68. It's curiously unsettling.

69. Well, Secretary General, there are no easy answers

70. to the global warming problem, but if you're asking

71. my opinion—

72. Incoming.

73. Incoming.

74. Ah, geez.

75. Can't they ever take the stairs?

76. Catching some air.

77. Going for distance.

78. It's a new world record.

79. Gee, I hope this wasn't anything important.

80. It looks like an incredibly virulent form of the plague.

81. But tastes like butter.

82. Look, Sam.

83. The Geek fixed our car.

84. It's got new headers, and lifters,

85. and retractable headlight howitzers, and everything.

86. She's too good to us.

87. You can say that again, little buddy.

88. I love having a Subbasement of Solitude

89. with our very own genius girl to think of wildly

90. improbable stuff for us.

91. Like this exploding Max decoy with realistic action banter.

92. Death from above.

93. Death from above.

94. It's what I've always wanted.

95. Thanks, Geek.

96. Keep it down, you guys.

97. I'm on the phone to the United Nations.

98. Doing a little moonlighting for the world powers, I see.

99. I had some free time.

100. Secretary General, I'll look into that ozone thing

101. right away.

102. Over and out.

103. What took you guys?

104. My fridge is really acting up.

105. Golly, Geek, we had a hankering for something

106. a little more dangerous.

107. Life threatening, even.

108. Hm.

109. So far, it's absorbed three innocent repairmen.

110. Now you're talking.

111. OK.

112. On my signal.

113. Three, two, open the door right now.

114. Chill, fridge.

115. Freeze, unit.

116. I can't believe I shot at an innocent vegetable.

117. I can't believe I said chill.

118. Oh, well.

119. Nothing spooky or untoward inside.

120. It's not fair.

121. Give it a minute to warm up.

122. It's an old fridge.

123. Happy now?

124. This is definitely a job for the freelance police.

125. The light. Go into the light.

126. This is no time to mock the paranormal, little pal.

127. We need to look into this. - Check.

128. Ooh. Aah.

129. It was at that point they met Yukon Cornelius,

130. Scallywag of the North.

131. Max, snap out of it.

132. What did you see?

133. I saw what can only be described as a gateway

134. to some wondrous parallel dimension.

135. Great.

136. But did you see any Fudgicles in there?

137. Look way in the back.

138. Stop it, Sam.

139. You're making it mad.

140. Oh, Max doesn't mind.

141. Do you, Max?

142. Whoa.

143. I'm just tossing darts in the dark here,

144. but I'd say this whole trans-dimensional mess

145. is the combined result of you storing

146. toxic oozes in leaky zippy lock bags

147. in a freezer that's about as neglected as Quasimodo

148. at a Sadie Hawkins dance.

149. Can you guys just do something about this, please?

150. Sure, but do you have any sage scientific advice

151. before we venture into this presumably hostile unknown

152. dimension?

153. Well, it's unknown and presumably hostile.

154. I'd be careful. - Thanks, Geek.

155. You're the best.

156. There's no place like home.

157. Well here we are in the hostile parallel ice

158. dimension contained inside the Geek's freezer.

159. And me, without my lip balm.

160. And you, without lips.

161. But enough of this.

162. In the morning, in the evening,

163. ain't we got fun. La la la la.

164. La la la la.

165. La la la la. Oh!

166. Quickly fashioning a makeshift sled using

167. giant French fries and spit.

168. Mush, Max, mush.

169. If we ever hope to find those repairmen

170. and get home in time for a huge self-congratulatory hoagie,

171. we've got to find the source of all

172. these multi-dimensional shenanigans.

173. Woof. Woof.

174. Scarecrows.

175. Crude, but effective.

176. How so?

177. There's not a crow in sight and the corn hasn't been touched.

178. I'm thinking maybe these scarecrows are here to scare

179. off more than just crows.

180. Perhaps whoever lives down there can provide the answer.

181. What's the password?

182. And if you say, swordfish, I'll lose it.

183. The password is haggis.

184. - Boiled...? - Haggis!

185. No signs of life, Max.

186. Still, I can't shake this uneasy feeling

187. that we're being watched in a cliche kind of way.

188. Yeah, it's just like in those cheesy teenage gore flicks.

189. Don't strip for a shower unless you want to buy the farm.

190. And speaking of cliche movie moments—

191. Freelance police.

192. Nobody move.

193. Good work, little buddy.

194. You can un-hogtie us now.

195. - Not until you say cheese. - Cheese.

196. Sorry about that back there.

197. We thought you were the Thing.

198. The Thing?

199. A shape-changing entity of unfathomable evil

200. that's been stalking us.

201. More sticky buns?

202. Oh, I really shouldn't, but—

203. It's just a matter of time before it gets us all.

204. We're doomed, man.

205. Doomed, I tell you. - Hudson.

206. No more coffee for you.

207. Like you, we too were snatched like babes

208. from our mothers' arms.

209. But why is this crazy, upside down world?

210. Ah, that's easy.

211. Tell them, Max.

212. All right, Sam.

213. You and your friends have been whisked away

214. for an extended stay in the frigid ice

215. world spawned inside the Geek's Cool Spot Super 6 icebox.

216. REPAIR MAN:Yes.

217. It's all coming back now.

218. Darn this topsy turvy house of horrors.

219. We're doomed, I tell you.

220. Doomed.

221. Hudson!

222. Sorry.

223. The four of us are just real messed up about all this,

224. you know?

225. The four of us?

226. Hey, who's the new guy?

227. Now there's something you don't see every day.

228. That's exactly why I quit my summer job at the petting zoo.

229. There. You see?

230. It just took Higgins, man!

231. Yes.

232. The air is still charged with its icy presence

233. and, unless I'm mistaken, peach cobbler.

234. Max, get a reading on this.

235. If we can glean the Thing's basic molecular composition,

236. there may be a way to destroy it.

237. Glean?

238. Is that a real word, Sam?

239. Hm.

240. Just as I thought.

241. The Thing was born of a bizarre chemical

242. reaction between the Geek's ill-stored

243. biological pan drippings and—

244. Salisbury steak and gravy.

245. It's a monstrous TV dinner gone bad.

246. Fascinating.

247. What is that device?

248. Some kind of tricorder?

249. Actually, we're deep in the fourth quarter.

250. Pinhead. Heh-heh.

251. Well, here we are in a deadly game of cat and mouse

252. with the Thing.

253. Tell me, Sam.

254. Why the heck are we doing this again?

255. It's simple, really.

256. If this so-called Thing should somehow find its way

257. into our world, devouring unsuspecting citizens who have

258. no natural fear of frozen entrees,

259. it would surely cause a nation-wide mistrust

260. of pre-manufactured foods of all kind,

261. forcing producers of salty, overcooked, man-size portions

262. to go bankrupt.

263. To safeguard American businesses, Max.

264. That's why the heck we're doing this.

265. And because we get to wave these around.

266. Well, that goes without saying.

267. Freezerburn to Heat and Serve.

268. Do you read me, Heat and Serve? Over.

269. No sign of the Thing.

270. All's quiet here, but wait.

271. Oh, no.

272. It's behind us.

273. We read you, Freezerburn.

274. Just testing the equipment. Over.

275. Well, don't.

276. Any sign of the beast?

277. No sign of him yet.

278. Although we may have stumbled into its den.

279. Help.

280. Please help.

281. Finish me.

282. For the love of Mike, just do it.

283. I guess we could do that.

284. Well, can't we just rescue you instead?

285. Oh, all right.

286. That's good, too.

287. Steady, men.

288. Like all wild creatures, it's easily

289. spooked by sudden movements.

290. Nice.

291. Freeze, entree.

292. We're packin' heat!

293. Reheated beef-like byproducts.

294. Coming right up.

295. Say your prayers, dinner.

296. Or your dinner prayers, or something.

297. Gee.

298. I don't know anybody who could fire bomb kittens.

299. Here. Let me.

300. Wow.

301. It's a nondescript supermodel.

302. Quick, Sam, get a picture.

303. You always have that effect on the ladies.

304. There's no time to lose.

305. Our only hope is to activate the outpost's

306. automatic destruct sequence and blow the Thing to bits.

307. Sorry.

308. We don't have an autodestruct.

309. Then we'll overload the post's environment controls,

310. superheating the nuclear power plant, and—

311. No, no nuclear power plant either.

312. Just space heaters.

313. OK.

314. We'll jam a scuba tank in its gaping maw,

315. and shoot at it with rifles and—

316. Scuba tanks? Rifles?

317. We have no use for such things.

318. - We can throw lit matches at it. - Yeah.

319. It hates that.

320. Looks like the end of the line, Sam.

321. We're about to be scoffed like a couple of cocktail weenies.

322. I may scream like a grandmother.

323. Me, too, little buddy.

324. If only we were on the other end of this nightmarish food chain.

325. I'm starved.

326. Hm.

327. This is a new wrinkle.

328. Boy, and I thought I had issues.

329. Gentlemen, we have the Thing's assurance

330. that the attacks will stop.

331. Under one condition.

332. The hideous creature before you is the last of his kind.

333. Only he remains.

334. And being a TV dinner, his destiny is, you know—

335. To be eaten.

336. What are you?

337. Crazy, man?

338. What kind a sick lunatic would volunteer to do that?

339. Oh, pick me.

340. Oh, me.

341. Sorry, little pal.

342. You just don't have the sheer girth to volunteer

343. for such a hazardous mission.

344. This one's on me.

345. It won't be long now.

346. Sam skipped lunch.

347. Hello, there.

348. Don't be afraid.

349. I'll be your eater for this evening.

350. - Thank you. - No.

351. Thank you.

352. It's over.

353. He's gone on to a better place. - How was he?

354. At the end, I mean.

355. He was happy.

356. And except for a little freezer burn, surprisingly tasty.

357. Yeah. But where does this leave us?

358. We're still stuck here, man.

359. Doomed, I tell you.

360. Doomed.

361. Hudson.

362. The excitable guy's got a point, Sam.

363. And a timely one at that, Max.

364. For according to my calculation, the Thing's demise

365. should severely compromise the stability of the dimension.

366. Right about—

367. Love you, man.

368. Good work.

369. Good job.

370. Yeah, friends for life, you know.

371. Hey, Sam, what's the matter, boy?

372. I don't know.

373. I'm experiencing quite a lot of discomfort here, Max.

374. - Maybe it was someTHING he ate. - Whoa.

375. Oh.

376. You see?

377. It's that Thing, man.

378. It's alive.

379. It's going to hatch out of this guy, and do the same to us.

380. We're doomed, I tell you. - Hudson!

381. Oh.

382. Take cover.

383. He's going to blow.

384. Feeling better?

385. Much.

386. You guys.

387. Look what you did.

388. The lab is ruined.

389. Oh, I wouldn't say that.

390. Some fresh paint, a few plants here

391. and there, and a construction crew working around the clock,

392. and it'll be good as new.

393. And as for getting some of this lab equipment repaired,

394. I think we can call in a few favors.

395. Well, at least my fridge is fixed.

396. And so is the ozone, by golly.

397. Look.

398. TV: Repeating our top story, just moments ago an unknown gas

399. was released into the atmosphere,

400. creating what scientists are calling an impenetrable yellowy

401. build up around the inner lining of the ozone,

402. effectively plugging the hole.

403. And how do you spell relief?

404. Well, I'll be.

405. You did it, Geek.

406. You repaired the ozone layer.

407. The world is in your debt.

408. We thank you.

409. Don't thank me.

410. Secretary General.

411. Thank Sam and Max, freelance police.

412. - Aw, go on. - Stop it.

413. - I got it.

414. - I got it. - Yes.

415. Yes. I see.

416. Uh huh. 10-4.

417. That was the commissioner, Max.

418. He said there's bad trouble in the lost city of Atlantis.

419. What kind of trouble?

420. It's lost, ain't it?

421. Let's roll.

422. Godspeed, Sam and Max.

423. And thank you.