The Adventures of Sam & Max: Freelance Police 1x8

Directed by Steve Whitehouse

Sam & Max travel 60 miles beneath the Earth's surface to investigate what is causing an increase in the temperature of Earth's core.

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1. Pretty creepy so far.

2. Wow.

3. This sort of material should carry a stern warning label.

4. Here's what we've got to go on.

5. It's an unidentifiable life form, offensive

6. in both appearance and smell.

7. And it's been at the back of the fridge since we moved in.

8. It's either some kind of spreadable meat

9. byproduct or nesting hamsters.

10. It is fur-bearing, and that's what throws you.

11. It's a coded message from the commissioner, Max.

12. What does it say, duck?

13. He says there's big trouble at the Earth's core.

14. We've got to seek out the hub of Mother Earth

15. and see what's troubling the old gal.

16. Then onward to the Earth's warm gooey center!

17. To the lab!

18. And as even more sightings of these unidentified humanoids

19. spring up, we urge all of you to stay in your homes.

20. We said it before and we'll say it again,

21. Geek, you're a genius.

22. Who'd of thought the inner workings of a salad spinner

23. could be modified to drill through 60

24. miles of solid bedrock?

25. It bears out the little known scientific fact that if you

26. spin something fast enough—

27. Even our spongy living heads.

28. —it can bore through just about anything.

29. You're going to be spinning at 80,000 revolutions per second.

30. So please, remain seated until the ride

31. comes to a complete stop.

32. Center of the Earth, here we come!

33. Wowee, the world truly is a carousel of color.

34. There's drama and mirth in old Mother Earth.

35. And all of her secretions, you see.

36. So this is the Earth's core, huh?

37. It's not so hot.

38. Speak for yourself, little buddy.

39. My hat band is working overtime.

40. Holy jumping weasel fritters on a hot cross bun.

41. Look at that!

42. Do you realize what this means? - No!

43. But let me guess!

44. The Earth is going to super-heat and explode,

45. thereby reducing everyone and everything

46. to an imperceptible haze of drifting atomic particles.

47. That's right!

48. And that alone is motivation enough for us

49. to go willy-nilly with the controls.

50. We got to cool this puppy down.

51. Lookie there, Max, it's a horde of murderous inner-dwellers.

52. When there are five or more, the correct term is a clot.

53. Oh.

54. Ooh wee ooh, yo oh.

55. Ooh wee oh, yo oh.

56. Welcome, surface dwellers.

57. I am Dr. Morag.

58. Family practitioner?

59. What luck.

60. I was hoping to have this big mole removed.

61. DR. We are the mole-men, a simple race who,

62. until recently, have lived content

63. in our duties to maintain the core temperature of the planet.

64. And then came 510 channels of glorious

65. around the clock non-stop broadcasting.

66. And with it, the seeds of discontent.

67. That explains their pasty complexions and bad posture.

68. Yours too.

69. DR. Our squinty eyes were opened to the wonders

70. of your lively surface world.

71. From that day forth the die was cast.

72. No longer would we remain prisoners of the dark!

73. For tonight is the night of our rebirth!

74. Tonight we embark on a mass exodus to the surface world,

75. in order to abandon this life of blind subterraneanism,

76. to see the world, and get dates.

77. I don't recall asking for this guy's life story, do you, Sam?

78. In order to better prepare ourselves

79. for a social integration, once a week, on Saturday night,

80. a party of happening mole-men would

81. partake in a fact-gathering field trip to the surface.

82. Our height and facial deficiencies

83. could be somewhat overlooked by your people.

84. But it was our hands, ghastly, shovel-like claws to you,

85. that proved to be our undoing.

86. Hi, I'm Cathy.

87. Hello, Cathy.

88. I'm Morag.

89. Stop right there, Morag.

90. Maybe you shouldn't set your sights so high.

91. Try hitting it off with a member of the rodent family first.

92. A solid relationship with a groundhog

93. could be very rewarding.

94. These talons— how I hate them!

95. They would forever prevent us from obtaining true happiness,

96. until now.

97. With these life-like synthetic hands,

98. we can venture into the surface world with confidence.

99. Nice hands.

100. If you're a fielder for the Cubs.

101. Say, there's a confident grip.

102. DR. Thanks to your throwaway society,

103. and their habit of burying everything in sight,

104. we have mountains of plastic.

105. And with a boundless supply of energy from the Earth's core,

106. we will soon have a pair of new hands,

107. for each and every mole-man!

108. Come in, Sam and Max.

109. Come in, Sam and Max.

110. It's and urgent communication from the Geek!

111. Put it on the big screen.

112. Distinguished mole-men, the core temperature of our planet

113. has climbed to cataclysmic levels.

114. Unless you abandon this reckless course of action,

115. it will reach critical mass within two days

116. and will explode with the force of 1,000 suns.

117. Morag, as a fellow person of science,

118. I implore you, stop this madness now, before it's too late.

119. No!

120. We've come too far to stop now.

121. We're so close to the realization of our dream.

122. And the big singles mixer is tonight.

123. But doctor, listen to reason.

124. I have nothing further to say to you.

125. Except that I'll be in town tonight

126. if you want to get together.

127. Uh, gee, I, uh, was planning on washing my hair tonight.

128. I think it's high time we threw the proverbial wrench

129. into the works, don't you, Max? - I'll say.

130. Now I can finally ditch this thing.

131. Max, I didn't know you were a marsupial.

132. Me neither, whatever that is.

133. No!

134. DR. Our one chance at happiness is no more.

135. We are now forever doomed to a life of loneliness and despair.

136. Thanks to you!

137. Ah, don't thank us.

138. Just doing our job.

139. DR. Seize them!

140. Hmm, obviously sparing the planet cuts us no slack at all.

141. Let's mull that over during an intense but invigorating fight

142. sequence.

143. No prisoners!

144. Into the core with them!

145. You wouldn't have anything tucked away for putting smoking

146. holes in things, would ya?

147. Just minty toothpicks.

148. Then I guess this is the end. DR. Look!

149. Something there!

150. It's mole-women!

151. Well, what do you know?

152. New neighbors.

153. Isn't that nice?

154. It's just like when the boy campers discovered

155. the girl campers on Camp Runamuck, only miles

156. beneath the good Earth.

157. All's well that ends well, Max.

158. The world is safe and the mole-men

159. have found true happiness.

160. It's a beautiful thing, Sam.

161. Let's leave. - Yeah.

162. I think they crave a little privacy.

163. Actually I'm deathly afraid of seeing them kiss.

164. Eww, they're at it! Let's go!

165. Let's go!

166. Fair thee well, tiny mole folks.

167. What's that smell? Oh, Max.

168. Well, Sam, looks like we've found

169. out what's been causing all the big trouble

170. in the north Atlantic.

171. Yeah, nothing says drama on the high seas

172. like a cheesed-off giant octopus defending its turf.

173. It's time we taught this ornery critter its proper place

174. in the food chain, Max.

175. I like 'em deep fried with lemon.

176. From Heck's heart I stab at thee!

177. For Pete's sake!

178. I spit my bad breath at thee!

179. The drama's done.

180. The seas are safe once again for giant multinational fishing

181. fleets to cast their drift nets with reckless abandon.

182. We return victorious, proud with the scars of battle!

183. It looks like I'm wearing polka-dot jammies.

184. But sadly that cheap, two-bit octo-punk

185. nabbed my pocket watch.

186. Where exactly did you keep a pocket watch, Max?

187. That watch had sentimental value, Sam.

188. It had a secret compartment where I kept all

189. my favorite toenail clippings.

190. Well, I know this can never replace

191. the one you lost, but here.

192. It shines like the head of Mr. Papadopoulis.

193. Where did you get it?

194. It was an impulse purchase from that friendly street hawker.

195. It's got all the bells and whistles.

196. Button A is for regular time, B is for military time, C

197. for your blood pressure, A and B turn it

198. into a personal massager, A and B plus C shows your IQ.

199. What happens if I press them all?

200. Something altogether zany, I bet.

201. Incredible.

202. The pedestrian special effects, the hackneyed imagery.

203. We're tumbling backwards through the ages.

204. Eww!

205. Time travel!

206. That's way better than a toenail compartment.

207. Where and when are the heck are we?

208. According to my new watch, it's— oops.

209. Holy mother of pearl in a side-car going 80.

210. We've rambled all the way back to the dawn of time.

211. Careful, Max.

212. Our slightest movement might alter

213. the course of human history.

214. The simple act of swatting a fly could change

215. the earth's entire timeline.

216. Now we'll see if all those science

217. fiction stories are true.

218. Creepy, huh?

219. And the strange part is, they

220. keep the city much cleaner.

221. I could do this all day.

222. You know, Sam, playing fast and loose with destiny

223. is fun and all, but all time travel

224. reminds me of science class.

225. What if I'm learning stuff?

226. Yeah, ain't it great?

227. The simple days of youth.

228. Hey, that reminds me, there's a stop I want to make.

229. You should of thought of that before we left, Sam.

230. Not that kind of stop, dough-head.

231. Although I did sneak behind a thirsty fern

232. back in two million BC.

233. I shudder to think of the repercussions

234. that's going to have.

235. It's soft, marketable baby versions of ourselves.

236. Look at me, Sammy, I'm Daniel Boone.

237. You crack me up, Max.

238. This sure stirs up a few long suppressed memories.

239. And explains how those sticky nightmares

240. I have about possessed vermin headwear.

241. Well, well, if it isn't Sam and Maxey, freelance goobers.

242. It's Melon Hargraves.

243. Swaggering poster-boy for unchecked bullyism.

244. He delighted in rubbing your fur the wrong way.

245. And stealing your lunch, and giving you pink bellies.

246. I can't watch.

247. It's so demeaning.

248. Pink bellies... I hated those.

249. To this day I hate those.

250. Curse you, Melon Hargraves!

251. No, Sam, we dare not interfere, lest we alter our own futures.

252. You're right, Max.

253. Sorry.

254. Hey, now he's dressing you like a girl.

255. Max? Max?

256. Now remember, go for the soft underbelly first.

257. Save the grisly bits for later.

258. Words of wisdom, Gramps.

259. Get him off! Ah!

260. Get him off! It hurts!

261. Shame on you, big Max.

262. What about all that yadda about altering our future?

263. Relax.

264. I only passed on my unsettling ability

265. to unhinge my lower jaw.

266. What could possibly— happen.

267. Gee, I don't remember checking into the Y. Do you, Sam?

268. Sam?

269. Where are you, Sam?

270. Say something!

271. Give me a sign!

272. Hello there, friend.

273. What a relief.

274. For a minute I thought something awful happened to you.

275. Oh if your llama is all lonely

276. and your gibbon's gettin' gritty,

277. there's no better place to go to in this big stinkin' city.

278. If there's an eye-burning aroma wafting off your buffalo,

279. Sam's Discount Pet Wash is the place ya ought to go.

280. Sam's Discount Pet Wash? No!

281. Make it stop!

282. Melon Hargraves!

283. Now this may sting a bit.

284. What— what have I done?

285. Everything's changed!

286. Got to find Sam.

287. Oh if your llama is all lonely

288. and your gibbon's get gritty, there's a better—

289. Sam!

290. Welcome, stranger.

291. Are you here for the special?

292. Sam, it's me!

293. Max!

294. Don't you know me?

295. We're partners!

296. We grew up together.

297. Think back, man!

298. I do vaguely recall a fuzzy bunny

299. pal with whom I whiled away the hazy halcyon days of my youth.

300. Yeah.

301. Yeah?

302. Then one day something happened.

303. I ate a bad head cheese sandwich and wandered

304. off into a hallucinogenic daze.

305. I came to 15 years later in a remote Tibetan monastery.

306. I had obtained higher consciousness.

307. But still, I always felt there was something missing.

308. Besides shorts.

309. It was me! Me!

310. I was missing!

311. But I'm back, here to save you from this sorry existence!

312. I think you should leave now.

313. You're scaring Patches.

314. I got it!

315. I guess I do got it.

316. Hello?

317. It's for you.

318. Oh.

319. Sam's Discount Pet Wash? Yeah.

320. Yeah.

321. No!

322. He said that?

323. What did you say?

324. Well then what did he say?

325. No!

326. Was it the commissioner, Sam?

327. Who's the commissioner?

328. It was my booking agent.

329. He says there's bad trouble in the North

330. Atlantic— something about a rogue octopus

331. with a bad case of ick.

332. A rogue octopus?

333. It's deja vu all over again.

334. Let's roll!

335. Well here we are, right back where we started.

336. It must be how all these time travel shows go.

337. Ring any bells?

338. This is what we do, Sam.

339. We're the freelance police.

340. These are just licorice, right?

341. Feel feel to jump in anytime, Sam!

342. Sorry, as a monk I was taught to revere all life.

343. We are one with even the lowest of creatures.

344. Even if it's slapping you silly while going for your wallet?

345. The path of violence can never lead to harmony.

346. Now you're just being ridiculous.

347. What's it going to push this guy's buttons?

348. A pink belly!

349. He's giving you a pink belly, Sam!

350. Come on! Have you no shame?

351. Pink bellies, I hated those.

352. To this day I hate those.

353. Curse you, Melon Hargraves! Ah!

354. That's it!

355. It's only Melon if you believe it.

356. Welcome to your destiny, Sam.

357. How do you feel?

358. Kind of dizzy.

359. But at last I've found my true calling— the rash and reckless

360. life of a freelance cop.

361. I've preened the ticks off my last cat.

362. And I'm swearing off meddling with the fabric of time.

363. Looks for all the world like things

364. are back to normal, little pal.

365. Sending that giant octopus back in time

366. has restored the natural order of things.

367. Or a reasonable facsimile.

368. Did I mention that you crack me up, Max?

369. All the time, Sam.

370. Ah!

371. - Now, this may sting a bit. - Ah!

372. Death from above!

373. Hi, kids.

374. How would you like to own your very own lovable paper

375. bag Max head hand-puppet?

376. I've got one, as do all the people I respect and admire.

377. I like it.

378. Here's what to do.

379. Cut these shapes out of white construction paper.

380. Then glue them on to a paper lunch bag

381. in a face-like configuration.

382. Draw Max's adorable features and the inside

383. of his gaping maw on the back.

384. If you feel ambitious, you can include everything Max may have

385. eaten in the last 24 hours.

386. Make a bunch and use 'em to put on twisted puppet shows

387. for the neighborhood kids, which will affect them later in life.

388. Use it to communicate ideas and concepts

389. to people of other lands.

390. Max's terrifying head is a universal symbol

391. of something or other.

392. Keep one in first-aid kit, and don't forget to keep

393. a spare in the family car. OK?

394. Well, this has grown tiresome.

395. Until next time, kids. - Goodbye!