The Adventures of Sam & Max: Freelance Police 1x6

Directed by Steve Whitehouse

Hero worship is taken to a dangerous height when ""Lorne"", Sam and Max's greatest fan, starts getting just a little too close for comfort. Lorne's overzealousness results in chaos for the duo's crime fighting efforts, and almost in their personal demise!

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1. You know, Max, these super-villains

2. really know how to dress.

3. It takes a special kind of criminal sociopath

4. to carry off a maroon velvet cape.

5. Yeah, I never thought we'd finally

6. apprehend...

7. the Mad Thespian.

8. Taunt me your worst, freelance police.

9. For you shall not survive to taunt me come the dawn.

10. Sleep sound, fated woodland creature.

11. Ask not for whom the bell tolls.

12. It tolls for thee!

13. Max! Heads up, little buddy!

14. Nice play, Shakespeare.

15. But you're taking the fall!

16. Curse you, Sam and Max, wretched rapscallions!

17. - Well, that just burns me up. - What?

18. That he can say "rapscallions" without laughing?

19. No, 'cause he got to go first.

20. You crack me up, little pal.

21. Sam and Max! Sam and Max.

22. Sam and Max.

23. Sam and Max, freelance police.

24. Sam and Max, freelance police!

25. Another crusty stain on the fabric of civilization

26. run through the rinse cycle of justice.

27. Courtesy of yours truly.

28. Say cheese! Doodles!

29. Lorne!

30. It's Lorne, the friend for life!

31. That's me!

32. Hey, guys.

33. Oh, awesome pinch!

34. And lucky me, right here to snap it.

35. So, uh, where is he? The Mad Thespian?

36. I just need one of him and me for my collection.

37. Probably on a bus to Trenton, thanks to you.

38. You mean he got away, fled the scene?

39. And we were just two perps away from winning a toaster.

40. Great!

41. This means we'll have the fun of catching

42. him all over again, right?

43. Right?

44. You're not happy with me.

45. I can tell.

46. I can tell!

47. Punch it, Sam!

48. But you gotta know, I'd never do anything

49. to disappoint you guys.

50. You gotta.

51. I'm your friend for life.

52. I love you guys!

53. Okay, okay, easy, big fella.

54. It, uh... probably wasn't your fault at all.

55. Then, since we're pals again,

56. why don't I tag along and help you track him down?

57. That Mad Thespian is no match for Sam and Max

58. and their youthful ward!

59. I promise I won't get in the way!

60. You won't even know I'm there.

61. Aw, for the love of Mike, Sam! Drive, drive!

62. Hey, look, Batman!

63. Where?

64. Uh, good idea!

65. We'll find him faster if we split up!

66. Wow.

67. Already hot on the heels of their next big caper.

68. And as junior disciple to Sam and Max,

69. I will do everything in my power to help them

70. in this, their hour of self-doubt and need.

71. Or my name isn't... Lorne!

72. The friend for life!

73. I hate to resort to that sort of subterfuge,

74. but what do you do with a guy like Lorne?

75. I know.

76. Get him to follow a marshmallow peanut trail into the furnace?

77. That would be patently irresponsible, Max.

78. And besides, we don't have a furnace.

79. Oh yeah.

80. You can hit the brakes now.

81. Well, here we are at the secret lair

82. of the elusive Mad Thespian.

83. Amazing that we could zero in on him using only morsels of info

84. gathered from the minuscule clods

85. of butter-soaked carpet fibers shed

86. from the seat of his bloomers.

87. Ew.

88. Remember, kids, we're professional cartoon characters.

89. Don't try this at home.

90. Hello?

91. You're under arrest.

92. Remember?

93. Crimes against humanity?

94. He probably went to the snack bar for jelly babies.

95. I don't think so, Max. Look.

96. Clearly our mad old thespian was shanghaied

97. while sitting down to dinner.

98. What a sad, senseless waste.

99. Hey, little man.

100. Did you see what happened here?

101. There was a big guy, waddles in, picks up the Mad Thespian,

102. and carries him out like a velvety bolster cushion.

103. Looks like Lorne got to him first.

104. That poor sap.

105. - I got it. - No, Max, it's a trap!

106. Hi, Max.

107. It's me, Lorne.

108. The friend for life!

109. I thought you'd be there..

110. Hey, you won't believe what happened

111. to me after we split up!

112. I found a clue, and— why am I telling you this?

113. You being the freelance police, you've probably

114. pieced this whole puzzle together,

115. you being the wily veterans of crime-solving and all, huh?

116. Agh!

117. Stop stalking us!

118. Well, that's telling him.

119. OK, so why don't you swing by my place,

120. and I'll fill you in.

121. Somebody... wants... to... talk... to... you..

122. Say hello. Say it!

123. Hello, freelance police?

124. Help me!

125. His mind, it's not quite right.

126. Please, hurry!

127. All right.

128. That's enough.

129. Pretty cool, huh?

130. See you in a bit.

131. Well, what do you know?

132. Who'd have thought we'd have to rescue one of our most

133. notorious enemies from the deranged clutches

134. of our biggest fan?

135. It's wildly ironic.

136. You're sort of a present to my pals,

137. but I just can't hand you over. Oh, no, no, no.

138. That's not how they do things. You'll see.

139. Sam and Max are gonna cheat death

140. just to bag your pasty little keester... right here, tonight!

141. You are so lucky.

142. Uh-oh.

143. Not much time left before my guests arrive.

144. I still need to set out crackers and cheese whip,

145. heat up some corn dogs, and arm that lethal booby trap

146. gauntlet.

147. There it is.

148. It's sort of fitting that Lorne makes his home down

149. in the bowels of the fun house. - Huh.

150. It's the first time I've ever heard the words "bowels"

151. and "fun-house" in the same sentence.

152. Get used to it.

153. This could be dangerous, Max.

154. You know, an idle mind is the devil's monkey bars.

155. A nugget of wisdom from your twisted granny?

156. Who else?

157. Blessed her enlarged heart.

158. Well, what do you know?

159. - Think it's a trap? - Gee, I hope so.

160. Crime, punishment,

161. the pursuit of wily, ruthless villains, more punishment!

162. This is the world of Sam and Max, freelance police.

163. It's like our life passing before our eyes.

164. Who knew our life would have such limp special effects?

165. Mack Salmon!

166. Hack Hatchet! The Crimson Bonehead!

167. Sam and Max prevail in this titanic struggle.

168. Sam renders a quick uppercut followed

169. by his flying knees to the back of the Crimson Bonehead

170. who is down.

171. Say, these cheap paper mache dummies

172. can really take a punch.

173. Max slaps a leglock

174. on the head of Hack Hatchet.

175. Sam engages with a jump and a dive.

176. Hack is out cold!

177. But here comes Mack Salmon to back up his teammate.

178. Whoops. This is a frisky one.

179. They're up and all over him

180. with a blinding battery of blows!

181. And he's gone!

182. Sam and Max cheat death once more!

183. A playful skirmish, but hardly the colorful melee

184. of our '86 robot attack.

185. There he goes.

186. He's a lively little scamp, isn't he, Max?

187. Isn't it precious how he thinks he's fooling us?

188. I beg of you, sir, unshackle me from these fetters.

189. My silky drawers are binding up.

190. Stop whining.

191. Think how impressed your bunkmates in the state pen

192. will be when you tell them you witnessed

193. Sam and Max cheat death just to snag your oily hide.

194. Gee, I hope they didn't get stuck in the chute.

195. Freelance police, arrest me at once.

196. The jabbering, I can't endure the jabbering.

197. Hush up.

198. Any time, guys.

199. Let's go.

200. Bust on out of there.

201. Whenever you're ready. What?

202. You're giving up?

203. What about cheating death?

204. After all the trouble I've gone through,

205. is this any way to treat a— to treat a friend for life?

206. I— I killed them.

207. Lorne!

208. Aw, you guys!

209. No, spare me, freelance police!

210. I'll never be bad again.

211. I'm sorry, but we don't believe you.

212. Max, hand me that plumber snake.

213. Well, Lorne, somehow, you're rustled up the Mad Thespian,

214. gave us a chance to chuckle in the face of death,

215. and took us for a spin in a cute little fun-house car.

216. I never thought I'd hear myself say this, but we owe you one.

217. We owe you one.

218. We owe you one.

219. Wow.

220. Hearing those words from the lips of the freelance police?

221. Oh man, it's just too much!

222. Friends for life, eh?

223. Now, about this shrine.

224. Yeah, what's the deal with these wax figures

225. and the yellowy news clippings?

226. It's so outdated.

227. - You think so? - Oh yeah.

228. A Sam and Max website is the way to go.

229. You're right.

230. I don't know why I didn't think of it.

231. With it, I can pass on all the legend and lore

232. that is Sam and Max.

233. It'll be glorious.

234. Oh, but gee. This is gonna take up all my free time.

235. We might drift apart.

236. That would be a darn shame.

237. But you know what my granny always says.

238. An idle mind is the devil's twirly ride?

239. Close enough.

240. We're gone.

241. Ciao, fellas.

242. Friends for life, eh?

243. Call me when you get home!

244. Quite a storm, eh, Max?

245. The best, Sam.

246. I can't remember the last time it rained toads.

247. NEWSCASTER (ON We interrupt

248. this broadcast to bring you an all-important newsflash.

249. Violent, atmospheric conditions are

250. threatening the very existence of the planet.

251. We urge all of you to take cover.

252. This is it, the apocalypse, the end of all we know!

253. We now return you to our program of dance music.

254. Sounds like a pestilence such as the world has never known

255. is being dumped upon us.

256. Otherwise, it's a pretty slow night.

257. Nothing else to do but hit the diner.

258. No shirt, no shoes, no souvlaki.

259. That's funny.

260. At least pants are optional.

261. Well, what's good tonight, fry cook?

262. It is a sign.

263. The end of the world is upon us.

264. The Olympian gods are in total disharmony!

265. I see cataclysm, disaster, and a pickup

266. on the Blue Plate special.

267. - I'm feeling like hummus. - Hold it, Sam.

268. It's a prophecy from Tiresias, the verbally-impaired

269. sous-sane short order cook.

270. Right you are, Max.

271. Sounds like dissension and disharmony on Mount Olympus.

272. Do you realize what this means?

273. I sure do, little pal.

274. Make that hummus to go!

275. Well, here we are on Mount Olympus,

276. home to cloud-dwelling mythological folk

277. draped in diaphanous robes.

278. This must be where all the gods hang out.

279. By Hera's hairpins. Look.

280. It's a domestic squabble of god-like proportions.

281. Husband, you are wronged me for the final time!

282. No longer will I stand idly by as you cavort with all manners

283. of nymphs, muses, and fairies!

284. Foolish goddess, you question the will of Zeus?

285. I may be juggling hedgehogs in the Hamptons here,

286. but I'd say Zeus and Hera's marital tiff

287. is the cause of all that meteorological hooha back home.

288. Who dares trespass in the palace of Zeus, son of Cronus,

289. slayer of Uranus?

290. (HELIUM VOICE) We are Sam and Max, champions of justice,

291. tormentors or Roman-featured bearded

292. guys in loose-fitting jammies!

293. Pay no attention to my melon-headed associate.

294. We are mere mortals, who humbly offer

295. our services as freelance marriage

296. counselors to the gods.

297. Your arrival in our midst is fortuitous.

298. My wife speaks true.

299. Our blessed union is in peril.

300. It must be saved, or all will perish with it.

301. I see what you mean.

302. Now it's raining bison on Buffalo.

303. That feels sort of right somehow.

304. Heed this warning.

305. The consequences of failure will weigh heavily upon you,

306. for to waste the time of a god is

307. to waste your own time 10-fold.

308. If by the allotted time, you have not

309. re-lit the fire of their passion,

310. you will be reduced to aged, wrinkled sacks

311. of your former selves.

312. Good luck, eh?

313. I'd say we best shift our marriage-saving hides

314. into high gear before our pensions kick in.

315. Today on "Sam & Max": mythological marriages.

316. Are they really matches made in the heavens?

317. Let's find out.

318. With us today is a couple who we'll simply

319. refer to as Zeus and Hera X.

320. Now, Zeus, Hera says that you've stopped paying attention

321. to her, and that you show much more interest in nymphs,

322. muses, fairies, and fates.

323. Fact or fiction?

324. This is ridiculous.

325. Zeus, you're blocking.

326. Remember, we're doing this for you and Hera.

327. Let us in.

328. Well, of course it isn't true.

329. Hera is my beloved.

330. No one before or after has captured my heart such as she.

331. Is that so?

332. Audience, say hello to Aphrodite!

333. Classic bone structure.

334. I bet she knows all the state capitals too.

335. See you around, Zeus.

336. Not if I see you first, enchantress!

337. You see?

338. It's not my fault my wife's a shrill harpy!

339. As a harpy, I feel devalued by your derogatory usage

340. of the term!

341. Now, Hera, Zeus tells me you act out your jealousy

342. by reconstituting his nieces into horrible, disgusting

343. former spokesmodels.

344. She does!

345. It's really getting out of hand.

346. I do not.

347. Really?

348. Audience, please welcome Nanette, Babette,

349. Evette, and Miss Tennessee.

350. All right, I lose my temper, and sometimes lash out.

351. But I only do it because I love him so.

352. With us today is an expert on matters of the heart.

353. Cupid, we'd like to hear your thoughts.

354. The love is there, Sam.

355. I can feel it.

356. But in order to experience true love once again,

357. Zeus and Hera must give themselves over

358. to Cupid's arrows of desire.

359. Perpetrator is armed and dangerous!

360. Drop it, Cupid!

361. Drop that weapon!

362. Uh-oh.

363. - Oh, Max! - Oh, Sam.

364. Run for it, little buddy.

365. She's got marrying on her mind.

366. Agh!

367. Enough of this!

368. Your time grows short.

369. Well, I'll be.

370. Those zany gods are turning us into genial old folks

371. right before our very eyes.

372. Great.

373. Now I can fuss, and moan, and never lift a finger.

374. If you are truly fit to save our union, the time is now!

375. We couldn't have said it better ourselves, Hera.

376. Because we've cooked up a little surprise for you!

377. What Hera doesn't know is that Zeus wants to renew

378. those tired old wedding vows.

379. I do?

380. Save that for the ceremony, Zeus.

381. That's right, folks.

382. He's gonna pop the question right here on our show.

383. Well, Hera, what's your answer?

384. Of course I'll marry you, my love.

385. Congratulations, You two.

386. And as a special added bonus, we've

387. arranged for you to renew your vows in beautiful, intoxicating

388. Las Vegas!

389. Home of high-stakes excitement, showbiz glitter, and reasonably

390. priced all-you-can buffets!

391. They grow up so fast, don't they?

392. They got nothing on us.

393. Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today for a $59.95

394. deluxe wedding package with complimentary passes

395. to the Buddy Hackett Experience.

396. Do you have the license?

397. Thank you.

398. Don't you mean "dankeschoen?"

399. Leave it alone, Max.

400. He knows bad men.

401. Please hand the ring to the groom, and repeat after me.

402. Where's the groom?

403. No, really.

404. Where is the groom?

405. Yes, dance, my children!

406. Dance for Zeus!

407. That's it. We're through!

408. I'm moving back to the condo on Crete.

409. You have bungled for the last time.

410. Farewell, freelance police!

411. This is it, old friend.

412. I sense my dog years are thoroughly numbered.

413. I guess I can still gum evil-doers

414. with my toothless maw in the little time we have left.

415. Actually, I'd like to swing by the Mount Olympus gift shop with my toothless maw in the little time we have left.

416. Actually, I'd like to swing by the Mount Olympus gift shop

417. again. Actually, I'd like to swing by the Mount Olympus gift shop

418. again.

419. I think I overpurchased. - Me too.

420. This footlocker I bought doesn't even have any feet in it. I think I overpurchased. - Me too.

421. This footlocker I bought doesn't even have any feet in it.

422. That's Pandora's Box, old pal.

423. You've just unwittingly liberated all the ills

424. and horrors of society.

425. It's Vegas.

426. Who's gonna notice?

427. Hey, there's something in here.

428. It's a key-chain.

429. And it seems like a lady with snakes for hair.

430. That would be the mythical gorgon Medusa, Max.

431. One glimpse of her chilling countenance

432. is rumored to turn even the most casual observer into stone.

433. That is, if you buy into any of this mythological hubbub,

434. which, of course, I do.

435. Fortunately, I always carry a protective Medusa-proof

436. headgear for just such occurrences.

437. Recognize it, my love?

438. You gave it to me on our first date.

439. You mean the time we took arms against my father

440. and defeated the multi-headed hydra?

441. Wasn't that the best?

442. We can still conjure up the old magic, can't we?

443. Let this holder of loose keys stand as a testament

444. to our undying love!

445. - What? - Oops.

446. My fault.

447. Allow me.

448. Oh, you!

449. Holy Hannah, hold the phone.

450. I'm young again.

451. And I'm a less inviting target for roosting pigeons.

452. You have triumphed well, Sam and Max.

453. Our sacred knot has been retied.

454. The gods of Olympus are in your debt.

455. To commemorate this vast occasion,

456. you, the freelance police, are to be

457. made titans, gods among men.

458. Ooh, gods among men.

459. I have to change my stationery.

460. From this moment forth, you, Sam,

461. shall be the god of high caloric snack and cakage.

462. The legends, they're true!

463. And you, Max, shall be the god of vulgar novelty items.

464. And they really, really work.

465. I can even see right through those loose-fitting diaphanous

466. robes. - Insolent mortal!

467. Why, you little!

468. (SINGING): Well, we came to Mount Olympus for to share

469. the company of a pair of gods who

470. were at odds with matrimony.