The Adventures of Sam & Max: Freelance Police 1x4

1. OK, little buddy. On three.

2. Ready? One, one and 1/2.

3. Three!

4. All right, son, consider yourself pinched.

5. Who are these guys?

6. I got it!

7. Yeah, yeah, yeah, uh uh, yeah, yeah, uh huh.

8. You got that right. And how!

9. It was the stern guiding voice of the commissioner with just

10. the right kind of hair-raising case

11. we can wrap our overactive adrenal glands around.

12. Are you talking dirty?

13. He says there's bad, bad trouble on the Moon, Max.

14. Let's pack up and blow this joint.

15. Did you make sure to sew ID tags on all your underwear?

16. But I don't—

17. Oh yeah.

18. Me neither.

19. We have a go for liftoff.

20. Then let the stars be our roadmap.

21. And the inside of this car our stomach distress bag!

22. Well, here we are on the Moon.

23. Pretty breath-taking, huh?

24. You said it, Sam.

25. Everyone knows there's no air on the Moon.

26. The preceding joke was conceived way back in 1978.

27. Fortunately, our fragile little light essences

28. are protected by this penny-conscious Moon gear.

29. Hey, what happens when my paper bag runs out?

30. Didn't you bring a spare?

31. I'm embarrassed by my lack of preparation.

32. I'm a fool.

33. Man, it's getting hot in here and my windows are steaming up.

34. I don't know how the heck we're going to contact the natives.

35. Just yank that dippy bag off your head

36. and let's follow these highway signs.

37. So let me get this straight.

38. We can breathe here, then?

39. I guess those prissy paranoid astronauts never

40. had enough spine to try it.

41. Ooh, I could never say that about an astronaut.

42. What's that?

43. No doubt some horrifying Moon creature,

44. bent on swigging the marrow out of our fuzzy bodies

45. without even a how-do-you-do.

46. I can't say I'm not intrigued.

47. Greetings, Moonians. - You made it.

48. Nice get-ups.

49. Climb in.

50. Well, Sam, the gorilla and donkey man

51. apparently think we're someone else.

52. He's a zebra, Max.

53. And that's what makes me a little suspicious.

54. You see, in nature, a zebra wouldn't normally

55. hang out with a gorilla.

56. Plus— listen to this— a zebra can't drive a Moon buggy,

57. or any kind of car for that matter.

58. You see, zebras don't have hands, Max.

59. Gosh, you're right, Sam.

60. The gorilla should be driving!

61. I think you're on to something.

62. We better play dumb.

63. You mean starting now?

64. Don't anybody move, this is a stick-up.

65. All we want is the dough, and maybe one

66. of those Elvis-shaped decanters.

67. We want to drink from the neck-hole of the King.

68. It's an inter-species hold-up.

69. I know you boys.

70. You're the Henderson kid.

71. Start scooping the cash into a plain brown bag, old man.

72. Giant rat guys! Weird.

73. Interesting.

74. And somehow very appropriate.

75. Shall we slap the sleeper on him and make him cry uncle?

76. Cant think of a reason not to.

77. Thanks for your help, friends, but you don't look

78. like you're from our world.

79. Where is your home?

80. One of those points of light you see in the sky at night.

81. By the way, uh, you can put your hands down now.

82. Our mayor wishes to meet with you

83. to discuss an urgent matter.

84. Hey, mister, you can put your hands down now.

85. The mayor is right inside.

86. Don't be afraid or anything.

87. I've got to get back to the shop.

88. Afraid? Ha.

89. We're too darn ignorant to be afraid of most

90. things, right, Max?

91. Hey mister, you can put your hands down now.

92. Well if you won't be needing anything else—

93. Put your hands down for god's sakes!

94. Put 'em down now!

95. I'm going to miss that little fella.

96. He smelled like a fine Gorgonzola.

97. So does your belly button on hot summer days.

98. Hello!

99. I've been expecting you, men of the Earth.

100. Ooh, men of the Earth.

101. I like that.

102. Your assistance is required to resolve

103. a certain pest problem which plagues our glorious city.

104. The situation is very grave.

105. A pest problem? Heh-heh.

106. A townload of rats has a pest problem, Sam.

107. That's pretty funny. And from a flying head. Amazing.

108. Your tiny skulls do not fully comprehend.

109. Citizens are disappearing, taken away,

110. and used for unspeakable evil. OK.

111. OK. Don't pop your cork, chief.

112. Just where might we find these so-called pests?

113. The creatures you seek may be found

114. on the dark side of the Moon.

115. Now, be gone!

116. Uh, where?

117. Just out the back door.

118. Go through the janitor supply room and take a right.

119. Mmm, science-fiction-y.

120. Well, what do you know?

121. There's your problem right there.

122. It's a world of roach-like leviathans

123. lumbering through a gargantuan cityscape.

124. Isn't it cute how they gather into social groups.

125. A Moon roach coffee shop.

126. It's uncanny, like some Earth-parallel development.

127. I never dreamed I'd live long enough

128. to hear you say, Earth parallel development and mean it, Sam.

129. It must be feeding time, Max.

130. It looks like coffee and sweet rolls

131. are the main source of nutrition.

132. And look, now he's adding some kind of non-dairy flavored—

133. I'm having a lot of trouble watching this, Max.

134. Here, I'll hit the light.

135. Uh oh.

136. It's the universal sign of surprise and alarm.

137. I think he's spotted us.

138. Don't dawdle, Max.

139. We're almost there!

140. It's OK, Sam.

141. He stopped to goof with some enormous lever.

142. What a pinhead.

143. We're through, Max.

144. We escaped with our fuzzy rear-ends intact.

145. Right, Max?

146. Max?

147. Smells like burning upholstery out here.

148. Hey, Max. Max?

149. Now what do I do?

150. My little buddy is just a— is just a bag of chum.

151. Sam.

152. Sam, it's me.

153. Max?

154. Where are you little buddy?

155. I'm inside you, Sam.

156. Everything that makes me a unique individual,

157. except for my bones, guts, and so on,

158. is now stored within you.

159. Creepy, huh?

160. Hold on a second.

161. Let me try something.

162. What are you doing?

163. There.

164. At least now you look something like your old self,

165. even though you smell like a fire in a wig factory.

166. Whoops, sorry little buddy.

167. It's all right.

168. What are you doing?

169. What's the progress on the giant roach problem?

170. And why are you carrying that smoldering dish

171. rag around like a hand-puppet? Hey!

172. Hey!

173. Something horrible happened out there, chief.

174. Maybe you can help us.

175. My minister of science will advise you.

176. Get in.

177. We use this device to produce a rich delicious peanut brittle,

178. for use in our savage backward rituals.

179. But it may serve your needs.

180. In you go, little buddy.

181. You must now apply the Helmet of Supplicance.

182. Ow.

183. Feels like the convolutions of my brain are being analyzed.

184. I hate that.

185. The basic molecular structure of your little friend

186. has been vastly compromised.

187. Hand me that staple gun.

188. You know, Max, when I was hauling your remains around

189. in that oily paper bag, the phrase

190. "moist garbage" kept running through my head,

191. and it gave me an idea!

192. Maybe something good will come out of all of this.

193. Besides a mouth-watering soup stock?

194. Be still, for this is the critical junction

195. where success or failure of the procedure will be determined.

196. Does that mean we get peanut brittle?

197. Ooh.

198. Today, the city is celebrating a landmark

199. in interplanetary relations.

200. Early this morning, a deal was struck

201. between city officials and these colossal ombudsman from space.

202. These husky fellows have agreed to accept all the moist garbage

203. our citizens can produce.

204. Bon appetit.

205. Well, we solved the unrest on the Moon.

206. The city's limitless supply of garbage

207. should put an end to the giant roaches

208. eating those little rat folk.

209. And it sure is nice to have you back

210. in your own plushy little carcass again, Max.

211. How do you feel, buddy?

212. Not bad, although I'm cranky and listless.

213. I'm retaining water and I keep spitting up sawdust.

214. Well how about that?

215. It's a plain old itty-bitty Earth roach,

216. and he's packing heat.

217. I don't like the look on his face.

218. It's cold, calculated, almost inhuman.

219. Why aren't you out celebrating?

220. Don't you know this is one of the first

221. cockroach-related holidays?

222. Celebrate what?

223. The loss of acres and acres of valuable garbage?

224. We're just giving it away.

225. Why aren't we looking after our own vermin

226. before we cater to foreigners, huh?

227. Well? Answer me, huh?

228. Whoa-ho, take it easy, little fella.

229. Just hand over the piece and nobody gets hurt.

230. Right, Max?

231. I'm thinking, ow.

232. Sometime we should sit down and have

233. a spiritual discussion about the sanctity of life, Max.

234. Bam!

235. And then he was mucilage.

236. Did you say something, Sam?

237. Oh, never mind.

238. I think I feel one of my lame songs coming on.

239. Oh, no, not that!

240. It was a bad day when my buddy Max got fried up on the Moon—

241. was vaporized before my eyes by some—

242. Ah!

243. You crack me up, little buddy.

244. Hold him down, Sam.

245. The success of this process depends on it.

246. His resistance is great... Well, strong.

247. You know Max, if you would just floss regularly,

248. these long scaling appointments could be avoided.

249. I got it! I got it!

250. I got it! - I got it!

251. I got it!

252. You have reached the sub-basement of solitude.

253. If you are calling for Darla Dugenheek,

254. please press one now.

255. If you are calling for Sam and Max,

256. freelance police, please press two now.

257. It's for us.

258. Mine!

259. Yep. Yep.

260. Uh huh.

261. Holy jumping jacks smelt in a rented hamster suit.

262. We're on our way.

263. That was you know who, Max.

264. Our cantankerous man-servant?

265. No. The commissioner.

266. He's all hepped up about some strange doings down

267. at Bohunk Lagoon.

268. Locals, naturalists, and even clods and kayaks

269. are disappearing en masse.

270. My god, Sam.

271. You said "en masse."

272. Aren't you boys forgetting something?

273. Your car is in need of a few minor repairs.

274. Love that wrecking yard caper. Yeah.

275. Any loaners available?

276. You have two choices.

277. You can take the Vespa—

278. Not in this lifetime.

279. I feel all crawly.

280. Or you can take the boat.

281. But you have to promise to be careful this —

282. time?

283. Thanks, Geek!

284. Amazing.

285. We can use the sewer system to travel

286. unhindered to our destination.

287. It's a vastly underused avenue of transportation.

288. Hey, look, Sam, baby alligators!

289. Well, they're buoyant and log-shaped,

290. but far from alligators, Max.

291. I don't feel so good.

292. We're almost there, Max.

293. And since company folk are limited to the honor system

294. when it comes to waste disposal, I'm guessing there's

295. no sewers where we're headed.

296. Then this is going to end badly for us.

297. And soon!

298. I just hate these moments.

299. Let's hope this baby is equipped

300. with ample crumple zones.

301. Yee haw!

302. Here we are on picturesque Bohunk Lagoon.

303. Almost makes me pine for the sewer.

304. Something moved out there.

305. Well, we're not going to get to the bottom of

306. any grisly goings on sitting out here, little pal.

307. You're right. Let us flee this place of evil!

308. Hm.

309. It won't start.

310. That figures.

311. Try jiggling the handle.

312. Well, here we are on a stakeout, surrounded

313. by all our favorite foods and tempting the unforgiving demons

314. of fate. - Bohunk, population...

315. varies.

316. Curious.

317. What could account for such a bizarre fluctuation

318. in the populace?

319. War? Famine?

320. Rampant cannibalism? - Cannibalism!

321. I vote cannibalism!

322. Don't be going out on the lagoon at night.

323. I'm warnin' ya!

324. Look, Max, it's one of those colorful oldsters.

325. A monster'll get ya, eat your brains even.

326. Just like all the others.

327. It's already ate the whole town.

328. Turned 'em into zombies, I tell ya.

329. Only I remain to tell thee —

330. Hark, the beast.

331. He beckons.

332. Run for it, boys.

333. Heed my warnin'!

334. The creature will take all the fight out of a man,

335. until he's no man at all— making

336. us faint-hearted as a wittle biddy bunny rabbit, he will!

337. I'd call that a fairly sweeping generalization.

338. about bunny rabbits.

339. Wouldn't you, Max?

340. If he wasn't such a likeable old soul,

341. I'd have to re-educate the tar out of him.

342. Hey, the crinkly old sole survivor wasn't kidding.

343. Look!

344. Holy mackerel, Sam!

345. These guys have gills!

346. It's hideous!

347. Who could have done this and why and how do we get some?

348. We've got to follow those zombies

349. and get to the bottom of all this sci-fi hooliganism.

350. Remember, Max, just walk like a bloodless, emotionless being,

351. and they'll never notice us.

352. Will I be expected to prepare anyone's tax return?

353. Hey, hang on a second.

354. We don't have gills.

355. It's a cartoon, jarhead.

356. We have remarkable lung capacity.

357. I know but I really want gills, and webbed feet,

358. and hands, and segmented eyes.

359. Can I have 'em, Sam?

360. Please, can I? Hmm?

361. I'm spoilin' this boy.

362. Where are we, Sam?

363. In a high-tech command center of sorts.

364. No doubt the work of some criminal mastermind

365. who's seen too many James Bond flicks.

366. I'll take that as a compliment.

367. We meet again, freelance police. I'll take that as a compliment.

368. We meet again, freelance police.

369. Well, if it isn't our slippery old friend

370. and arch-nemesis, Mack Salmon.

371. How exactly did he get that way, Sam?

372. Some kind of boating mishap, I'm guessing.

373. How often do you clean this water?

374. What's this fake body made out of?

375. Melmac?

376. Your casual indifference cannot save you this time.

377. You are now my prisoners!

378. At long last, you shall pay for your part

379. in causing my condition.

380. Not that we have even the foggiest recollection of what

381. you're talking about, but would it make it all better

382. if we said we're sorry?

383. Come here, you.

384. Give us a kiss.

385. Stop it.

386. Stop that.

387. You lunker.

388. Hey!

389. It's unfortunate that you will not live to see

390. my plans come to fruition.

391. Ah, come on. Show us.

392. We won't tell.

393. Well, all right then.

394. Behold, the bounty of my genius.

395. He's a fancy talker.

396. Sea Chimps?

397. The bounty of your genius adds up to Sea Chimps?

398. I'm starting to like this guy.

399. Not just any Sea Chimps.

400. Look closer.

401. He's right, Max.

402. Look, these Sea Chimps actually look like the ones on the box.

403. And they're playing with a tiny beach ball!

404. Our prayers, they've been answered.

405. You are a great man— I mean, fish.

406. And that's only the beginning.

407. Witness this— genetically enhanced

408. and ripe for the canning plant.

409. I'll corner the market in Sea Chimp chowder.

410. Chimp steaks, breaded chimp nuggets.

411. And the citizens of Bohunk are your zombie workforce.

412. Fascinating.

413. Diabolique.

414. But how?

415. See for yourselves.

416. Woo, he's a keeper.

417. I hear the really big ones are up in Canada.

418. This mutant musky is the keystone of my operation.

419. It is he who acts as my hands, plucking hapless locals

420. from their boats, and performing the delicate surgery that

421. transforms them into tireless drones.

422. Sweet mother of all things good and plenty.

423. He's plucked out their brains, Max.

424. I guess that makes him a brain sturgeon.

425. Enough!

426. The time has come for you to join

427. those you came to save, in a lifetime of servitude

428. to Mack Salmon.

429. Musky, remove brain. Obey.

430. Amazing.

431. I had no idea my skull was threaded for easy access.

432. Quick, press down on the medulla oblongata.

433. $5 bucks says he smells burnt toast.

434. Come on, come on, this isn't brain surgery.

435. Momma. Death from above.

436. Spare ribs!

437. Who's cooking spare ribs?

438. Your clothes, give them to me.

439. I see cheese and crackers...

440. And that's the end of round two. Sam!

441. Sam, is it you?

442. I'll take Paul Lynde to block, Peter.

443. You fool!

444. You've touched off his speech center!

445. Speech center?

446. I always thought Max had a cream center.

447. We represent the Lollipop Guild, the Lollipop Guild...

448. Stop him! He's running amok!

449. Lunch!

450. Freeze, Musky!

451. Drop the bunny or the mastermind gets it!

452. Do as he says. I think he means it!

453. Nice work, little buddy.

454. Thanks to your addled shenanigans

455. I was able to collar this carp without gunfire Thanks to your addled shenanigans

456. I was able to collar this carp without gunfire

457. or loss of lives.

458. Don't mention it, Sam.

459. May I be rewarded with the pleasure of tenderizing—

460. er, I mean — mirandizing our prisoner now?

461. OK. But do it in the back.

462. These poor folks have seen enough atrocities for one day.

463. No. No. These poor folks have seen enough atrocities for one day.

464. No. No.

465. No!

466. We are much obliged to you boys.

467. Not only have led these poor folks out of eternal bondage,

468. but you stitched their brains back in, and restored

469. order to our sleepy town.

470. Just doing our job, citizen.

471. And don't you worry about Mack Salmon.

472. We're sending that felonious flounder up the river.

473. He'll fry for this.

474. Get it?

475. Fish?

476. Fry?

477. It was another one for the books.

478. Another gratifying kick in the pants of crime.

479. And what of the mutant Musky, you ask?

480. An innocent pawn, duped into partaking

481. in Mack's sordid scheme?

482. We're pleased to say that he's been given a fresh start

483. by the people of Bohunk Lagoon.

484. And allowed to start his life anew,

485. as a useful member of society.

486. No flash photography. No flash photography!

487. Such a beautiful spot.

488. I almost hate to leave.

489. Me too, Sam.

490. But let's do, before we start blubbering like newlyweds

491. over its grandeur.

492. You crack me up, little buddy.