The Adventures of Sam & Max: Freelance Police 1x2

1. Yee haw!

2. Pinch that doggie.

3. We thank you.

4. At first, we embraced the monolith as a—

5. what did the sales guy call it?

6. The dawn of evolution.

7. Oh, right, yeah.

8. Then it just became annoying.

9. But without it, how are we to evolve

10. and someday wear ill-fitting suits with no shoes

11. for humorous effect?

12. Why would anybody want to wear a suit?

13. Ever seen a chimp's rear end?

14. It ain't pretty.

15. Enough, please, no, show me no more.

16. I can't take it.

17. I— I— hey.

18. I can see my face in it!

19. You know, Chief, you don't need any help

20. from cosmic bric-a-brac to evolve.

21. Just exercise your burgeoning ability for logic and reason.

22. And always wear these.

23. Now you're talking.

24. Monkeys on skates.

25. What a concept.

26. This truly is the dawn of evolution.

27. And we have Sam and Max, Freelance Police,

28. to thank for it.

29. Sam and who?

30. (THEME SONG) Sam and Max. Sam and Max.

31. Sam and Max.

32. Sam and Max, Freelance Police.

33. Sadly, Peter Policy watches as the world of Joan and Jim Lax

34. goes up in flames.

35. Poor Peter Insurance Policy sighs a great big sigh

36. and says, if only they had welcomed me into their home,

37. they'd still have one.

38. The end.

39. That was very good, Ted.

40. And should any of you ever need insurance in the future,

41. feel free to call.

42. That will do, Ted.

43. I'd like to thank all the fascinating career

44. professionals that found time to visit us today, class.

45. Miss Tax Attorney, Mr. Insurance Broker, Mr. Trailer Hitch

46. Chromer, and most entertaining of all,

47. Mr. Yushi from Kenyuchu Sushi.

48. Frankly, I don't see how Career Day could

49. possibly be more exciting.

50. It's Sam and Max, Freelance Police.

51. Hi, kids!

52. We were just in the area when we

53. were alerted to the sound of fine steel

54. weaponry being drawn.

55. It's like the song of the sirens to us.

56. Oh.

57. Bonsai!

58. This foe is a crafty one, I tell you.

59. He has fended off our clumsy advances.

60. How I hate that.

61. Clearly, the element of surprise is needed this day.

62. Surprise.

63. Good heavens, he's not a real knife-wielding lunatic.

64. He's just acting that way for Career Day.

65. Very convincing garb.

66. No hard feelings?

67. Any feeling at all?

68. Our work is done here, Max. Let's roll.

69. So soon? But my blood is up.

70. Say, that reminds me.

71. Feeling lightheaded, kids?

72. Are you suffering the ill effects of too many fast paced,

73. hard sale, in your face adverts designed

74. to compete for your parents' hard earned dollar?

75. Well, you're not alone.

76. The folks in programming are sympathetic to your plight,

77. and as such have agreed to present today's episode

78. in its entirety without any commercials at all.

79. You heard right, gang.

80. One whole episode of Sam and Max without commercial

81. interruptions of any—

82. How exciting for us, class?

83. Honest to goodness police officers.

84. That's freelance police, ma'am.

85. Self-appointed dispensers of candy colored dollops

86. of justice who, upon receiving the call

87. from a high commissioner, take on extremely weird cases

88. that no one in their right mind would.

89. I think if we tried we could get Sam and Max to say

90. a few words, don't you, class?

91. Gee, I'm afraid we're not prepared

92. for any impromptu presentating.

93. But we'll throw something together.

94. Hi, kids. I'm Sam.

95. I'm Max.

96. We're the freelance police.

97. And whoops, here comes Resusilibus, Lord of Darkness.

98. Let's hang a beatin' on him.

99. I'll get the tools.

100. Oh my.

101. Surely there's more to your occupation

102. then just pummeling vaporous anomalies insensible.

103. No, that's pretty much it.

104. I really don't see the benefit of all these shenanigans.

105. - I got it. - I got it.

106. Yep. Yep.

107. Uh huh. Uh huh.

108. He's resting comfortably. Uh huh.

109. We'll get right on it.

110. That was the commissioner, Max.

111. Our seldom seen employer and provider

112. of wildly improbable cases.

113. He says an all hating alien entity of unknown origin

114. is threatening to obliterate mankind or something.

115. Let's roll.

116. Boys, please.

117. Can't you just tell the class what it is you do?

118. We can do better than that.

119. Who's up for seeing us slap the criminal element around

120. for real?

121. Well, here we are in the yawning void of space.

122. Drawn without even a grade two understanding of astronomy.

123. You can exhale anytime, gang.

124. It's actually darn near safe to breathe now.

125. But remember, if the cabin pressure should suddenly drop—

126. Or you hear Sam utter the code phrase "pull my finger"--

127. You should don your helmets immediately.

128. I'm not sure the school board would

129. approve of this field trip.

130. Based on my limited knowledge of school board officials

131. being dull, colorless mama's boys, I'd have to agree.

132. You have nothing to fear but fear itself.

133. And a big cranky alien cranium heading straight for us.

134. Looks like we're working through lunch.

135. I am Lactose the Intolerant.

136. Custodian of the cosmos, caretaker

137. of the constellations, sweeper of the corridors of time.

138. Gee, Career Day just limps on and on, doesn't it?

139. I have traveled far to scour the universe of impurities.

140. What, that old chestnut?

141. Let's go.

142. These free-floating, immense-headed space

143. deities are getting real tired.

144. If you've seen one, you've seen them all.

145. That's not true.

146. I am unique.

147. I— I have a mustache.

148. It's, uh, pretty sad.

149. But we'll allow it.

150. Look, Lactose, we'd rather you didn't

151. eradicate the whole human race.

152. Some of our closest friends claim to be human.

153. They're really worthy of their place in the grand scheme

154. of things, creators of all things great and good like

155. wax lips, snap on toupees—

156. And new for this year, the Chia-Noggin.

157. Interesting. These things are foreign to me.

158. And these are just a few of the marvels of modern man.

159. So before you do anything hasty,

160. at least take a look at what our culture has to offer.

161. And since a walking tour of our planet could take hours—

162. Especially with those spindly, pasta limp limbs of yours—

163. I suggest we employ the lagomorphic mind meld.

164. - I— - The tread foot.

165. It's happening.

166. Enough.

167. Show me no more.

168. Get him off, get him off.

169. Never before have I seen such filth.

170. The horror!

171. Your human race is a stain on the fabric of the universe.

172. It must be cleansed.

173. Gee, we're not doing such a good job of saving humanity.

174. Maybe he'd thumb wrestle you for it.

175. Feeling sporting, Lactose accepted Sam's challenge

176. and the contest was on.

177. One, two, three, go.

178. We win.

179. - Inside voices, inside voices. - On three?

180. I could've sworn you said four.

181. I demand a rematch.

182. Sorry, we Earth men always go on three.

183. It's the rules.

184. Read it and weep, Lackey boy.

185. Then I shall destroy all that you hold dear

186. with the exception of this fine automobile

187. in which from this day forward I shall

188. keep my loose pocket items in.

189. Our car!

190. And the children.

191. And the children, in our car!

192. Why's he doing this, Miss Gibbens?

193. I'm just guessing, Jeffery, but oftentimes

194. in a large family of giant heads,

195. the middle head can feel neglected and lash out.

196. Well, that just tears it.

197. Not only is he a cheat, but he's a bully, too.

198. We freelance police really draw the line at bad eggs

199. toying with our nation's youth.

200. And our wheels.

201. Oh, Lackey.

202. Running speed.

203. It isn't fair.

204. Sam and Max deserve better.

205. It's not fair.

206. You're right, Jeffery, but sometimes life isn't fair.

207. Pretty gruesome, hey, Max?

208. You said it, Sam.

209. You think if they went to all the trouble of creating

210. a lunch special in our honor—

211. For defeating Lactose and saving the world and all—

212. Yeah, that they'd at least serve it hot.

213. Fear not, gang.

214. These tasty treats can be reheated to your liking.

215. Yay!

216. We love Sam and Max loaf.

217. You there, cafeteria mom, could you reheat these fine meats?

218. Yeah.

219. She can put the new guy on.

220. It may not look like much, but in two weeks

221. they promote me to fries.

222. Then they'll pay.

223. Boy, he's become a fairly productive member of society

224. since the surgery.

225. All it took was a couple of well placed-snips to curve

226. that aggressive streak.

227. Oh Max, you're such a caution.

228. That's all for now, kids, but stay tuned to the second half

229. of today's show as we continue our pledge to bring you

230. the very finest in quality entertainment

231. 100% commercial free—

232. Well, here we are, woefully lacking chutes and falling

233. at 1 billion feet per second.

234. Is it my fault the restroom and cockpit

235. doors are virtually identical?

236. I can't imagine what it's going to be like to hit

237. the bricks at this speed. - Hmm.

238. Ooh, I scared myself.

239. I know, grab me by the ears.

240. You are aware there are children watching?

241. Just do it.

242. Good thinking, Max.

243. I knew that latex skull of yours would come in handy someday.

244. Smells like someone's having a barbecue.

245. Achoo!

246. Uh, gesundheit?

247. Looks like we've landed in hot water, Sam.

248. It's a feral pack of blood lusting trick-r-treaters.

249. Are any of you kids collecting for UNICEF?

250. Silence.

251. We are the New Guinea Pigs.

252. You have desecrated our most sacred of rituals.

253. For that, you must die.

254. Let's not be hasty there, Chief.

255. Maybe Max and I can help.

256. Yeah.

257. What's all this impassioned revelry

258. and ritual shenanigans for?

259. Each season, we offer the celebration of life

260. to the gods in the hopes that the Chosen

261. One, our one true king, will be delivered onto us.

262. An all knowing, all seeing wise one

263. who will improve our sorry existence and get us

264. free cable.

265. How will they know the Chosen One when they see him? Or her.

266. Good question.

267. You see, some cultures select their leaders based on lineage.

268. Others by disfiguring rites of passage, and some

269. base it on an unusual occurrence or phenomenon.

270. Like that, for instance.

271. Never before have we witnessed such wonders.

272. How is it that you can do this thing?

273. You are truly the Chosen One.

274. Heck, that's nothing.

275. Listen to this.

276. What more is there to say except all hail King Max.

277. We have just crowned your little friend our new king.

278. Our long search is over.

279. Truly the gods are smiling upon us this day.

280. I guess even the gods know a good joke when they see it.

281. All hail King Max.

282. Your Royal Highness, a weary traveler requests

283. an audience with the king.

284. Sam, where have you been?

285. Sit down, you're just in time for dinner.

286. Hey, bring on the grub. Oops.

287. Not hungry, little pal?

288. Starving, why?

289. Then why aren't you eating?

290. I'm the king, Sam.

291. I can't be expected to chew my own food like a common dog.

292. Attendants.

293. Roast duck?

294. Yes, please.

295. Potatoes?

296. Just a few.

297. Are you trying to make me sick?

298. These potatoes are scalloped.

299. A thousand pardons, my king.

300. A dispute involving mineral rights, warring clams,

301. and a beautiful piglet left crying at the alter

302. brings these two villages before you this day in the hope

303. that you will bring an end to their feud.

304. Of course, I'm the king.

305. As is our custom in these matters,

306. in order to ensure only the purest of rulings,

307. you must first don the Pelt of Piety.

308. Wow.

309. You know, nothing says royalty like wearing the living

310. skin of an underling.

311. Can I try it?

312. Sorry, Sam.

313. Only the king can don the Pelt of Piety.

314. They're kind of fussy that way.

315. Oh.

316. Message for you, sir.

317. Normally, I'd let the machine pick it up, but I'm intrigued.

318. Who is it, Sam?

319. Unless my understanding of native drum speak really pales,

320. it's the commissioner, Max.

321. It's the call to action.

322. He says there's mishaps aplenty in the heartland of America.

323. Let's roll.

324. Gee, Sam, do we have to?

325. We're the Freelance Police, remember?

326. Somewhere there's steaming dollops of justice

327. to be portioned out.

328. We gotta leave now.

329. And if he doesn't want to leave?

330. Well, of course he wants to leave.

331. Tell him, Max.

332. Go on, tell him about— about the leaving and everything.

333. If it's just the same to you, Sam,

334. I'd rather stay here with me as king

335. and you as my loyal lackey and food taster.

336. Snap out of it, Max.

337. They're giving you the evil eye.

338. Got you talking crazy talk.

339. Oh no, it can't be.

340. You cut up his brain, you backward butchers!

341. Shh, shh, shh, stop it, Sam, stop it.

342. I'm OK. I'm OK.

343. But the glazed over look in your eye,

344. the telltale cranial scar.

345. That's not a scar.

346. I just slept on my crown funny.

347. Oh.

348. Sorry, false alarm. My mistake.

349. What a relief.

350. For a minute there I was worried you weren't coming with me.

351. I'm not, Sam.

352. I can't leave.

353. These are my people.

354. My unique brand of wisdom and armpit noises

355. are all these poor savages have got.

356. I'm their king, Sam.

357. I am.

358. So if you'll excuse me, I've got a spinning class.

359. Well, that's everything.

360. We sure cleaned out the duty free shop,

361. didn't we, little pal?

362. What's that?

363. Yeah, I'm sure glad there's no tax on corporate gifts either.

364. Boy, it's hot.

365. So long, little buddy.

366. Something is troubling my king.

367. He has hardly even looked at this day's gross of gift

368. offerings from his people.

369. Look, it's cane toads.

370. Just rub two against your head for a burst of color.

371. No thanks.

372. It wouldn't be the same without Sam.

373. There is one gift that might cheer you up.

374. Gift bearers, bring.

375. Knowing how close you and that son of a mangy dog were,

376. your people commissioned the village clothier

377. to create this for you so that a part of friend Sam

378. might be with you always. - Really?

379. What is it?

380. Is it a commemorative plate of me and Sam in happier times?

381. A Sam cereal caddy?

382. Come on, tell me, tell me.

383. Do you like it?

384. I hope it fits. - Sam.

385. Sam. What have they done to you?

386. Hey, this feels nice.

387. How could I have let this happen?

388. Oh, just speak to me.

389. I'm fine, knucklehead.

390. Much like the weasel utilizes its collapsible skull

391. to fit through near impossible spaces,

392. I have called upon a like ability

393. to collapse all my bones and bulky organs

394. in order to dupe these uncultured puppies

395. into thinking they've rolled and pressed me

396. into this unsettling garment.

397. Neat, huh?

398. Is something not to your liking, oh Max?

399. Yeah.

400. It's just that, well, you guys have showered me with enough

401. useless stuff already.

402. I love the clogs and I'll cherish

403. the bread maker forever, but I can't accept your gift.

404. Pardon my insolence, but no true Chosen One would turn down

405. a gift from his people, especially one

406. as nice as the hollowed out carcass

407. of a close, personal friend.

408. It is a great insult, one punishable by death.

409. I am too the Chosen One.

410. I can prove it.

411. It's no use, little buddy.

412. Looks like the party's over.

413. I think we better cut to the chase.

414. Cut to the chase?

415. So that's what it means.

416. Uh oh, they've got us cornered. Back.

417. Back, you savages, back.

418. I know how to use this.

419. I'm warning you.

420. Sam, before they husk us and boil us

421. like two ears of peaches and cream corn,

422. I'd just like to say, I'm sorry.

423. I hope you can forgive me.

424. You mean for acting like a bonehead

425. and forgetting who your real friends are?

426. No, for this.

427. There he is.

428. Bash the king, bash the king.

429. You kill me, little buddy.

430. Do you hear that, Sam?

431. Hey, it's the rubber pants commandos.

432. And their endearingly cranky C.O. Sergeant Blip.

433. Come on you, foul ups, I only got four hands.

434. I never grow tired of their darling antics and remorseless

435. surprise attacks.

436. - Aw, I could just eat them up. - Uh oh.

437. Feeding time.

438. Blip, go.

439. This little piggy went to market and

440. this little piggy stayed home.

441. And this little piggy went wee-wee-wee all the way home.

442. I never dreamed we could have so much fun

443. and still be suitable for young viewers.

444. Yes, once again, we've stared into the leathery face of death

445. and his second cousin dismemberment

446. and lived to laugh about it.

447. We fell headlong from a moving plane,

448. engaged a murderous hoard of vermin savages

449. in an action-packed shoot-em-up, and learned

450. a valuable life lesson about friendship or something.

451. Hey, what about the gratuitous blowing up

452. of the local filling station?

453. Well, I'll be.

454. Our work is done here, Max.

455. Let's head for home.