The Adventures of Sam & Max: Freelance Police 1x12

Directed by Steve Whitehouse

While visiting Sam's Granny on Christmas Eve, Sam and Max go on an impromptu visit to her former place of employment to bring the joy of the season to some of the shut-ins. Well, actually, the ""cage-ins"", as Granny turns out to be the retired warden for the Blood Island Correctional Institute, home for society's most hardened criminals.

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1. You know, Sam, Christmas with your granny

2. has never been better.

3. Each year I wish it would get better, but it never does.

4. That's all going to change tonight, Max.

5. Do tell.

6. Instead of hunkering down to view the requisite gush

7. of holiday classics on TV, Granny

8. has planned a special Christmas Eve excursion.

9. Oh, boy!

10. It's the mothership, calling me home to my people!

11. My guess is, it's a surprise holiday ambush, Max.

12. You draw their fire with some of your endearing antics

13. while I hustle Granny down to the cellar

14. where she'll be safe behind a bunker

15. wall of homemade preserves.

16. Suit up, boys, we're moving out!

17. Your sweet old granny is quite the authoritarian, Sam.

18. That's the walking boss in her, Max.

19. For 40 years she was the warden at Blood Island

20. Maximum Security Penitentiary.

21. Wow!

22. Turning her unprotected back to them like that says a lot.

23. They must of respected and or feared her a great deal.

24. Yeah.

25. They called her, the Iron Maiden.

26. Better buckle up!

27. We'll be touching down any minute now.

28. And where might that be, IM?

29. A little place that's sorely in need of some holiday

30. cheer— Blood Island.

31. Oh, it's good to be home. Oh, fine.

32. I was hoping my last Christmas would be spent

33. as an elf-shaped appetizer in a den full of

34. psychotic criminal man-eaters.

35. Don't fret, little pal, they'll probably

36. keep you alive for some time.

37. It's all right.

38. Let them go.

39. They love that old girl.

40. What's she doing here?

41. She'll ruin everything.

42. On the contrary.

43. Her coming here could provide just the distraction we need.

44. Christmas truly has come early this year.

45. Step lively, you shaggy bunch of self-propelled human refuse.

46. Mrs. Claus has a lot of anxious lifers to see.

47. Keep it moving.

48. Merry Christmas, lad.

49. What are you in?

50. Ate my parole officer with fava beans and seltzer.

51. Up you go.

52. Seasons greetings, dear Granny Ruth.

53. A pack of chocolate cigs says this guy's glaringly

54. absent from Santa's nice list.

55. Hmm, can't say I'm pleased to bump

56. into you, Herzog.

57. Imagine, 43 escape attempts?

58. I call myself a forgiving woman, but mercy me.

59. I have my limits.

60. And I know you.

61. A leopard doesn't change its shorts.

62. Oh, but I have changed, Granny.

63. You'll never know how sorry I am for all

64. the grief I once caused you.

65. Aw, what do you say, Granny?

66. Forgiveness is the greatest gift.

67. Besides sock monkeys and chattering teeth.

68. Well, it is Christmas.

69. Uh oh.

70. This can't be good.

71. A total blackout in a room full of violent offenders?

72. Ah, don't be such a fussy-pants.

73. Stay close, boys.

74. This place is built like a labyrinth.

75. Luckily, I know the layout like the liver spots

76. on the back of my hand.

77. Are liver spots liver-shaped?

78. And if not, why not?

79. Talk amongst yourselves.

80. We've got to stop Herzog

81. and his goons from their insane grab for freedom.

82. If only we knew Herzog's next move.

83. Permission to crawl back into your good books, Granny?

84. Permission granted, Maxwell.

85. All right, son.

86. Out with it!

87. I ain't talking to you.

88. Can I climb down his throat now?

89. Let me climb down his throat now.

90. A little later, Max.

91. Granny's busy.

92. I know your dear old mother, Jakes.

93. I don't think she'd be pleased to hear you've

94. been back-talking Granny Ruth.

95. Hello, Mrs. Jakes?

96. It's about your boy. - OK.

97. OK.

98. Herzog had us round up the guards while he heads upstairs.

99. He's gonna take the warden hostage.

100. Oh please don't tell my mummy.

101. That'll do.

102. Now there's a move every parent should know at bedtime.

103. It's a old trick I learned in the Merchant Marines— saved

104. my hash in Korea once or twice.

105. Don't dawdle, boys.

106. Remember, idle hands get caught in busy machinery.

107. I know Herzog.

108. He'll use the service tunnels through the shower room

109. to get to the warden.

110. That's where we'll intersect him.

111. Looks like the end of the line.

112. Now I know how snake food feels.

113. Here's a place you never see on the tour.

114. The prison showers.

115. Gee, if these walls could talk.

116. I think it's best if they keep their mouth shut.

117. They're coming.

118. Quick, turn on the hot water everywhere.

119. In here, jokers.

120. I know a way we can bypass those itchy guards.

121. Only two people know of these passages— myself

122. and Granny Ruth.

123. Ole.

124. It looks like it's just you and me, Herzog.

125. Shall we dance?

126. Some other time, perhaps.

127. For you see, I have an appointment with the warden.

128. Please don't make me go down there.

129. For the life of me, I don't know how we'll

130. catch up to that rascal now.

131. The warden's in great danger.

132. Gee, Granny.

133. I'm sure we can figure something out.

134. Top of the world, Grandma!

135. Sam!

136. I've always wanted to try this.

137. I feel like a wee ping pong ball.

138. This cool northern air is a welcome blast to my

139. blistering southern regions.

140. Hold onto your hats, boys.

141. You're in for a bumpy ride!

142. Ms. Demeanor, get me the National Guard!

143. We've been cut off!

144. Put the phone down, warden.

145. I, Herzog will be calling the shots from now on.

146. What is that?

147. That whooshing sound?

148. Booga booga!

149. That went rather well.

150. I love surprises.

151. Herzog!

152. Don't you know it's not polite to point?

153. It's Granny!

154. Ah!

155. Oh.

156. Well that was an unconventional use of a beloved holiday treat.

157. A glutton for punishment always gets his fill.

158. Uh, everything OK here?

159. We're fine, thanks.

160. Naughty?

161. Yes, very, very naughty.

162. And you guys? Nice?

163. Very nice.

164. They're good boys.

165. Sign here please.

166. Thanks.

167. See you next year.

168. Until we meet again.

169. Well, that was an unnecessary display.

170. There's nothing out there but 30 miles of open sea.

171. He's shark bait for sure.

172. That remind me, wasn't there a big old holiday

173. spread down in the mess hall before all

174. this unpleasantness began?

175. Hack me up a slob of that d-ring.

176. I'm riding the night train to Pastryville.

177. You know, Max, this is not only the most action-packed

178. Christmas I've ever experienced, but the first chance

179. I've ever really had to bond with my sweet granny.

180. Yeah.

181. You just can't help but love a scary old gal like her.

182. I don't know what to say, Ruth.

183. You and your boys have restored order to Blood Island,

184. and given a little bit of Christmas

185. back to these troubled souls.

186. This is the nicest present any warden could ever ask for.

187. I'm glad you feel that way, Ward.

188. I really am.

189. But my Christmas wish would have been hanging old Herzog up

190. by his stockings with care.

191. Looks like there's one more package,

192. and it's for Granny Ruth!

193. A present for me?

194. I don't recall asking Saint Nick for anything.

195. Some thing's wedged in here pretty good.

196. Herzog!

197. But how?

198. He got clean away!

199. We saw it with our own eyes.

200. Hey, you don't suppose—

201. Ho ho ho, merry Christmas!

202. Merry Christmas!

203. —we'd even think of employing such a sugary ending.

204. Well, Max, I guess the only thing left to say is,

205. a merry Christmas to all.

206. And to y'all, good night.

207. Perimeter secure, Sam.

208. Man your positions.

209. This is it.

210. And you don't think our viewing habits

211. are getting a tad extreme? - Shut up!

212. Shut up! It's starting.

213. Tonight, on America's Funniest Film Tragedies—

214. when clown acts go bad.

215. And in our followup—

216. We're losing her!

217. Code blue!

218. This is not a drill!

219. Clear.

220. I'll pay you cash for your used mattress.

221. Again!

222. Again, again, again!

223. It's no use, pal.

224. I'm afraid we're going to have to pull the plug.

225. No!

226. Well, it's gone on to a better place, Max.

227. I myself draw comfort in the notion

228. that perhaps the Almighty needed schlock TV

229. even more than we do.

230. That's beautiful, Sam.

231. Now if you don't mind, I'd like to spend

232. some time alone with her. Of course.

233. And while you're doing that, I'm going to go catch the rest

234. of the show on the Geek's set.

235. Have a nice afterlife!

236. To the lab!

237. Your patented pneumatic light rail cargo pod is running

238. like a fine Swiss watch, Geek.

239. Geek?

240. No doubt she's absorbed in high-level closed

241. door doings concerning a matter of the utmost urgency

242. and import.

243. Either that or she's taking a little potty break.

244. That's what I said.

245. Now, where does she keep the old boob tube?

246. Looks like one of the Geek's experiments.

247. We now return you to our regularly scheduled program,

248. already in progress.

249. And now for another thrilling episode of: Duck and Cover,

250. Fallout Rangers!

251. Black and white programming.

252. Look away, Sam.

253. Avert your eyes, and change the channel.

254. Where's the remote!

255. I think with these old units, you

256. actually have to touch them. - Eww!

257. Ah! Do something, Sam!

258. I can't stand it!

259. If my dad were here, he'd sure have

260. something to say about that.

261. It's all old stuff.

262. Where's our show, Sam?

263. I got a sneaking suspicion that the Geek's TV only

264. picks up long forgotten programming from television's

265. primordial past.

266. Know what time it is, kid-a-roonies?

267. Yeah! Dangly Deever!

268. Hooray for Dangly Deever!

269. So much for catching the rest of our show.

270. Hi-dy ho, boys and girls!

271. Your old pal, Dangly Deever's here to bring

272. you laughter and good cheer.

273. On the upside, the gods of slim chance

274. have awarded us this enchanted wooden plaything.

275. Or as I like to call it, target practice.

276. And uh, now a word from our sponsors.

277. Gosh-a-roonie, boys and girls.

278. It looks like our two newest members

279. of Dangly's Do-Good Gang need a large lesson in caring.

280. I got a splinter, with lead paint.

281. You lucky pup.

282. Now don't forget, put it under your pillow

283. so the splinter fairy can leave you a shiny new two by four.

284. Hey.

285. Wait just a ding dong dangly minute.

286. This isn't Dangly's woodshed.

287. What is this strange place?

288. What's happened to me?

289. Near as I can fathom, utilizing my pliable partner

290. as a makeshift antenna has resulted

291. in a lagamorphic temporal rift, which

292. hurled you through TV history like an economy-sized rubber

293. band. - Yow.

294. You mean, this is the future?

295. Neato keen.

296. Have we landed on Mars?

297. Wiped out famine and disease? Got domestic robots

298. tending to our every need?

299. Sure we have, although I can't speak

300. for the rest of the world. Thank you.

301. Begone.

302. Glorious-ky! Dangly just can't

303. wait to see what a super swell place

304. the world turned out to be.

305. Goodness gracious.

306. The world certainly has changed.

307. Hi, kid-a-roonies, do you know what time it is?

308. Time for a whoopin'.

309. Criminy rickets, has everyone forgotten

310. about niceness and caring?

311. I'm afraid they went out of fashion,

312. right along with poodle skirts and funding for the arts.

313. Then the world has no more use for a do-gooder like me.

314. Dangly Deever time is over.

315. I just hate to see a grown marionette cry.

316. I wish he'd stop.

317. Me too, little buddy.

318. But chucking him into the woodchipper

319. might seriously jeopardize our relationship with the sponsors.

320. So long, friends.

321. Dangly Deever is signing off.

322. Dangly, wait!

323. Let him go, Max.

324. Sometimes a little wooden boy scout needs to be by himself.

325. I was just going to tell him to watch

326. out for that street sweeper. Oh.

327. Hmm.

328. This mess has Sam and Max written all over it.

329. Hi, kid-a-roonies.

330. Guess how?

331. I'm deadly Dangly Deever, an evil under-achiever.

332. Say hi to my big meat cleaver... then make out your will today.

333. And make out your will today.

334. Then make out your will today.

335. He's deadly Dangly Deever—

336. And somebody's gonna pay!

337. Wait a second, aren't you that lovable, bright as a button

338. marionette who encourages children to perform good deeds?

339. For many years, yes.

340. But not any more.

341. I'm Dangly's evil side.

342. And thanks to your TV, I'm free!

343. Free to do anything I want!

344. Now if you'll excuse me, me and my evil sidekicks

345. have got to spread a little unkindness and ill-will.

346. I've got to find Sam and Max.

347. They'd kill me if they missed out on this.

348. That television you so impetuously tampered with

349. was designed to intercept ancient TV signals

350. for historical research.

351. When you sucked Dangly Deever out of the airwaves,

352. you only got half of him— his good half.

353. Now his evil half is out raising Cain with his buddy.

354. Our only hope is to merge these video icons gone bad

355. back with their good halves.

356. Which means we have to lure them to the Sub-basement

357. of Solitude.

358. So how do we do that?

359. Here, evil TV icons.

360. Come get the big happy face!

361. After him!

362. One exciting and highly expensive chase sequence later.

363. I've reversed the cathode

364. flex anomaly so it'll send them back where they came from.

365. Here they come.

366. Table for six?

367. Evil icons?

368. They don't seem to have a reservation, Maxwell.

369. No reservation, no loitering!

370. Our highly improbable plan worked, Sam.

371. He's got me!

372. And now, please stand by for all eternity.

373. Do you know what your problem is?

374. You're bad— bad, bad, bad.

375. We're all set.

376. Grab the bad Dangly and send him back.

377. He's the evil one.

378. Send him back.

379. You lie!

380. He's the evil one. Quick!

381. Which one is which?

382. Uh, yow!

383. - That's our boy! - D-oh!

384. Hurry, kid-a-roos, zap us!

385. Send us back where we belong!

386. But, Dangly, if we do you'll be sent back too,

387. forever banished to television land.

388. Don't you see?

389. I'm useful again.

390. I've never felt so alive!

391. Besides, bad as he is, he's still part of me.

392. It's the only way!

393. He's right, do-gooders.

394. They both have to go back.

395. For fine grain cannot exist without

396. the balance of coarse bark.

397. Huh?

398. Until next time, kiddies!

399. Farewell, Dangly!

400. Well, that's that.

401. I'm going to miss that little knot-head.

402. He's not really gone.

403. As long as we have our memories of him.

404. And, early morning reruns, of course.

405. Reruns!

406. Wait a minute. Come back here!

407. What about this mess?

408. Let the robot clean it up.

409. Uh...

410. He cracks me up.