The Adventures of Sam & Max: Freelance Police 1x10

1. And now, it's time for gripping

2. action from the basement archives of "The Vice Squad."

3. Hi, and welcome to "Vice Squad."

4. The show devoted entirely to crushing stuff in Dad's vice.

5. You'd be surprised at how many

6. cast off household items can be forever

7. changed by this merry gadget.

8. Stuff like action figures.

9. 8-track players. Paint cans.

10. Preferably full ones.

11. Even diamonds, the hardest substance known to man.

12. Make unique and decorative curios.

13. Perfect for those last minute Mother's Day gifts.

14. And best of all, no matter how cruddy it looks,

15. mom will love it because you took

16. the time to make it yourself.

17. But remember, kids, safety first.

18. Always make sure to use Dad's protective eyewear.

19. Hey, what's this?

20. I can't read a darn thing with these goggles on.

21. Oh well.

22. Oh, are you OK, little pal?

23. I'm wearing Dad's goggles, aren't I?

24. On second thought, don't try this at home, kids.

25. Leave it to professional boneheads.

26. That's all for now, kids.

27. See you next time.

28. Call an ambulance.

29. Sam and Max.

30. Sam and Max.

31. Sam and Max.

32. Sam and Max.

33. Freelance Police.

34. Sam and Max.

35. Freelance Police.

36. Looking back on it now,

37. trying to keep an alligator as a family pet

38. probably wasn't a good idea.

39. Even something as simple as washing for dinner

40. became a big production.

41. He just wasn't acting like his old self,

42. not like when he was just a guppy anyway.

43. Yeah.

44. I'll never forget the first time we laid eyes on the little guy.

45. We were doing a little light housekeeping down

46. in the Subbasement of Solitude, when after a mishap or two

47. with the work vac, Max accidentally

48. sucked something out of the porcelain hobby horse.

49. Looky there, Sam.

50. We caught us a lifeform.

51. It appears to have all the characteristic markings

52. of a neonatal alligator.

53. He's fine, he is.

54. Hewwo, pal, wittle fewwa.

55. Oh, hewwo, hewwo.

56. Since when do you do Elmer Fudd?

57. Look, Sam, he's about to wrestle

58. open his translucent peepers.

59. Then it's high time I told you about imprinting, Max.

60. You see, the very first experiences

61. of any newborn thing go a long way

62. to determining who that creature will bond with and trust.

63. Or conversely, loathe and despise.

64. Congratulations, little pal.

65. He thinks you're his mommy.

66. You mean we can take him home and raise him as our own?

67. We were young and foolish,

68. just kids ourselves, really.

69. What did we know about the care

70. and feeding of infant wildlife? - Sure.

71. How hard can it be?

72. I'll name him John, since that's where we found him.

73. And so began our longest journey together.

74. Sam, can you give me a hand in here?

75. It's time for another diaper change.

76. Boy, I don't know what we'd do without these things.

77. Me neither.

78. I barely have time to think, let alone tend to my own needs.

79. Yeah, who'd have thought taking care of something

80. that depends on you for its very existence

81. could be so much work.

82. He hasn't stopped bawling, or spewing,

83. or having happy little accidents since we got home.

84. I wonder what's vexing him so.

85. What's the matter, little fellow?

86. Are you bored?

87. Are you sleepy?

88. Are you sensing my desire to turn you

89. into a quiet little handbag?

90. Max. - Sorry.

91. I think he's hungry.

92. He hasn't eaten a thing, and I've tried everything.

93. Have you tried the spaghetti carbonara?

94. I'm dyin'.

95. Sure, on the outside, we tried to appear

96. all ha-ha and fancy free.

97. But on the inside, we were a threadbare bundle

98. of nerves and organs.

99. Little John wouldn't eat.

100. I'm worried, Sam.

101. What do you suppose little gators eat?

102. Hm, hold on a second.

103. Well, let's see now.

104. Albacore, albatross, alley cat, Al Gore.

105. Here it is— alligator.

106. According to this, baby gators can

107. only thrive on a diet of worms, insects, and rare swamp larvae.

108. I like mine medium rare with just a trace of pink.

109. Should I check the sink traps? - No.

110. For this type of bug hunting, we need

111. someplace thick with moisture and tropical heat.

112. Kay. I'll check my spit valve.

113. It's off to the wetlands.

114. Now here we are in a Little Known Inner City Bayou,

115. painstakingly gathering insectoid sustenance

116. for our infant charge.

117. Putting boots and hammers to the feisty bigger ones.

118. Looks like we have an ample supply of warm, savory bugs

119. for our Little Johnny to feast on, Max.

120. Let's render them into a smooth and rich paste without delay.

121. And voila!

122. Baby gator food a la Sam und Max.

123. Our Little John is about to take his first few pence

124. of mouthfuls.

125. I'll get the kid, you get the camera.

126. Hey, he's still not eating.

127. What gives?

128. Maybe it's too hot.

129. Hm, there is a slight burning sensation.

130. That's just the venom.

131. Then what's the matter?

132. Why won't he eat?

133. At that point, we

134. were facing the very real possibility of losing

135. a cherished family pet.

136. Until the fickle finger of fate

137. poked the grim reaper right in the eye.

138. - Yeow!

139. That's it, Max.

140. That's the answer.

141. He'll only eat things off your finger.

142. Like the first three layers of skin.

143. Isn't it precious?

144. He's still operating under the false assumption

145. that you're his own fierce, leathery mommy.

146. Must be your teeth.

147. Hm, this feels right, Sam.

148. I think I'm experiencing the heady bond that

149. can only come from motherhood.

150. Or loss of blood.

151. Look at him go.

152. At this rate, he'll be onto solid foods in no time.

153. Good.

154. All this arm hair and muscle tissue can't be good for him.

155. Well, that's the last of it.

156. Not quite.

157. There's still some bean dip.

158. I mean the sensation in my arm.

159. The crisis was over.

160. Little John was going to be OK.

161. Over the next few months,

162. John and I cavorted, and frolicked,

163. and gambled as only an alligator and his surrogate mother who

164. also happens to be a biped rabbity thing could.

165. And in what seemed like a blink of an eye,

166. Little John became Big John.

167. What was once a cute, cartoony lizard baby

168. wiggling around on the rug was now

169. a full-grown, 10-foot, foul tempered,

170. primeval killing machine.

171. And we loved him so.

172. My hamsters are missing.

173. All eyes turned to John.

174. But of course, she had no proof.

175. This pet of yours has to go.

176. You can't expect a full-grown alligator

177. to adapt to your lifestyle.

178. Nobody can adapt to your lifestyle.

179. The Geek was right.

180. Soon after, we started noticing a difference in John.

181. He started acting distant, uncommunicative, depressed.

182. He'd taken to sleeping with his ear

183. to the toilet.

184. And acting fiercely protective

185. of an old pair of alligator bros.

186. We were very concerned.

187. That's why we've come to you, Doctor.

188. Can you shed some light on what the problem might be?

189. He's an alligator!

190. You can't keep a vicious animal in the city.

191. There are laws!

192. I see.

193. And your professional recommendation?

194. Get rid of him!

195. Well, you heard him, Max.

196. Clearly, John is suffering what's

197. known as captivity syndrome, a none too common occurrence

198. which manifests itself when one takes a wild animal away

199. from its natural habitat.

200. The way I see it, there's two ways we can do this.

201. We can either set John free or we can send him to a zoo, where

202. he'll be fed, and pampered, and encouraged to lord over

203. many submissive female gators.

204. No, Sam.

205. No zoos.

206. John was born free, and he must remain free, as

207. free as the wind blows.

208. As free as the grass grows?

209. That too.

210. John belongs with others of his kind.

211. If we have to let him go, we'll let him go back to the wilds

212. from whence he came.

213. What are you doing?

214. Returning John to the life he once knew.

215. To the wilds of the sewer system, silly.

216. Alligators don't come from sewers.

217. They come from Florida. Florida!

218. I don't think John's feeling all that well, Sam.

219. He won't eat any cheese chuckles, or chocky chubbies,

220. or chili chomps.

221. My guess is he's either car sick

222. or he's allergic to the CH food group.

223. Maybe he's just anxious about moving to a new place.

224. This must be the place.

225. See if you can coax him out of there, Max.

226. Cha! Cha!

227. You see?

228. He's blending right in.

229. I think our John will be very happy here.

230. - They grow up so fast.

231. I got it!

232. - I got it! - I got it!

233. Yeah? Yeah?

234. Uh-huh. Oh, it's OK.

235. There, there, big guy.

236. Yeah, we'll get right on it.

237. That was the high pitched squeal of the Commissioner, Max.

238. He says our heart-wrenching story has moved him to tears

239. and that there's dirty dealings on the banks of Old Man River.

240. Looks like we're barely bound!

241. We visited John many times after that.

242. And not just because he

243. swallowed our shields, and we were waiting

244. for nature to do its thing.

245. But because even though

246. John was back with his own kind, he'd

247. always be our special gator.

248. You choke me up, little buddy.

249. Which one was he again?

250. It was daybreak over who knows where.

251. Max and I were being sent to the worst place in the world,

252. and we didn't even know it.

253. We hoped it, but we didn't actually know it.

254. All Max and I knew

255. was that when the red light started blinking,

256. it would mean that we were approaching the drop zone.

257. Then and only then

258. would we be permitted to open our orders

259. and glean the details of our mission.

260. And when that light blinked, we would act.

261. We would act like soldiers, with honor, with dignity, with—

262. - Mine!

263. I got it! - Mine!

264. No, come on! Give it to me!

265. Hey, a sticker book.

266. I love when the Commissioner puts one of those in.

267. Anything my speed?

268. Nah, just some grainy photographs,

269. sketchy documentation, and a few contour maps.

270. What?

271. No concealable weaponry, road flares, or black capsules?

272. What if we get captured?

273. You kill me, little buddy.

274. Only if we're taken alive, Sam.

275. After completing the sticker book

276. and reviewing our orders, the objective

277. of our top secret mission became clear.

278. We were to be airdropped into a virtual hell

279. on earth in order to engage in a life and death offensive

280. to locate and retrieve the Commissioner's lost keys.

281. Offensive.

282. I like that.

283. Hey, Sam, how are we gonna parachute

284. through that impenetrable forest canopy?

285. That's what the big blades are for, Max.

286. Whoa!

287. Oof!

288. Well, here we are, at one with all of nature.

289. Yikes! Bugs!

290. Whoa!

291. Oops.

292. Sorry there, little buddy.

293. Didn't see you down there.

294. Think nothing of it, Sam.

295. Luckily, I was still numb from having that mossy obelisk

296. break my fall.

297. And my hip.

298. And four of my ribs.

299. Sister Mary Francis in low heels walking away.

300. It's a phone booth, Sam.

301. And look there, a fire hydrant.

302. And a park bench.

303. We're surrounded!

304. I may be just lassoing lemurs on Lexington here,

305. but it seems that we've been airdropped

306. into some unchartered pocket of Central Park.

307. This woebegone hot dog cart is proof positive, Max.

308. Mm, delicious.

309. The overabundance of chemical preservatives

310. have kept this long forgotten frank farm fresh.

311. I wish you could say the same for the sauerkraut.

312. Back! Schnell!

313. Raus! Raus!

314. No time for mutant condiment wrasslin' now, little pal.

315. We've got our orders.

316. Let's find those keys.

317. Gee, Max, I think it's time you changed your diet.

318. Nothing says the great outdoors more than a mouthful of bugs.

319. Oh! - Ow!

320. - Ow! - Ouch!

321. While Jim circled around,

322. I moved in to flush the beggar out.

323. No prisoners!

324. Negative waves.

325. Be cool, man.

326. It's cool.

327. It's very intense, but cool.

328. Say there, Arlo, just how long have you been livin'

329. in this little piece of heaven?

330. Not long, man.

331. I was just checking out The Mamas

332. & Papas concert when I spaced out on a bad cheese smokey.

333. Is the show over?

334. Oh, I think the show's been over for you

335. for quite a while, son.

336. Say, you haven't seen any loose keys lying about, have you?

337. Keys?

338. No way, cats.

339. But the lord of the park, the chief dude, the guy

340. with the eye, he'd know.

341. He knows all, man.

342. I'll make you a deal.

343. If you end one more sentence with "man,"

344. I get to remove one bone of my choosing from your body.

345. Two bones if you refer to me as a cat again.

346. Where might we find this lord?

347. You can't find him.

348. He'll find you.

349. He is a great man, man.

350. He knows all and sees all.

351. He reigns over the cosmic forces from his gilded throne

352. in the hall of lights.

353. He also doesn't like to be talked about.

354. It shrinks his aura.

355. I think maybe I've said too much.

356. In fact, I'm sure I've said too much.

357. Whoa!

358. Whoa.

359. Dazzling.

360. We've either stumbled upon a hall of lights,

361. or we've croaked and gone straight to heaven.

362. My pupils may stay slammed shut for good.

363. Wow.

364. It's just like a giant mobile for entertaining newborns

365. while they wait for their skull plates to knit together.

366. That's them!

367. They're the dudes who victimized me.

368. Made me say things, man.

369. Howdy.

370. You must be this lord we've heard so much about.

371. We're Sam and Max, freelance—

372. Assassins.

373. Well, if you insist.

374. Nah, he's kidding.

375. We're not assassins.

376. We're Sam and Max, freelance police.

377. You're neither.

378. You are errand boys, sent by grocery clerks

379. to mop up a grape jelly spill on aisle 9.

380. Look, Rocky, we're on an all-important mission

381. to find the Commissioner's lost keys.

382. If you'll just let us have a peek

383. to see if one of your skanky minions

384. has strung them up here—

385. I know the keys of which you speak, Sam and Dave.

386. That's Sam and Max, oh forager of chestnuts

387. and liner of nest with shredded Diana Ross programs.

388. Take them. You are free to go.

389. But chose wisely.

390. For while the righteous keys will

391. unlock the door of freedom, the wrong keys

392. will spell certain doom.

393. Oh, boy.

394. Generally, we cheat death flying by the seat of our pants.

395. But to turn it into a deadly parlor game of chance—

396. - That's just so darn quirky. - What?

397. Are you guys crazy, man?

398. You can't do it this way. - Why not?

399. This self-same procedure got us through that minefield

400. last week, right, Sam?

401. Hey, if it ain't broke.

402. Say, these sure feel official enough.

403. They've got the Commissioner's keys written all over them.

404. And oddly enough, my corns are barkin'.

405. Either a storm's coming or this must be the way out.

406. This is it, little buddy.

407. Sweet freedom or screaming death awaits us

408. on the other side of this door.

409. You have a real flair for the dramatic, Max.

410. Listen, my children, as cruel fate grasps our adversaries

411. in her soggy embrace.

412. Come to me.

413. Draw near.

414. What shiny things have we collected today?

415. We are not dead yet, stupid squirrel.

416. We really hate to cut and run, but a higher

417. power is waiting for these.

418. So long, my lord.

419. Good luck with the mange.

420. We'll drop you a card on bog day.

421. They're getting away, man.

422. If they talk about us, it's over, dude.

423. We'll have park rangers all over us, man!

424. We gotta stop them!

425. They scamper away like frightened duck babies.

426. The organism is unforgiving.

427. Sam and Dave will be retrieved by my vengeful children.

428. Now go.

429. Sic them up good.

430. Ugh, I swallowed a bug.

431. Sam!

432. You know, Max, for centuries, the waterway

433. has been the artery of life.

434. Unless you squeal on the mob.

435. Yeah, that too.

436. It's Sam and Max.

437. They got the keys.

438. It's about time you chuckleheads showed up.

439. The Commissioner's been asking about them keys.

440. Now that we've braved life and limb,

441. just what are the keys for anyhow?

442. They're for the Commissioner's private bathroom and honor bar.

443. I don't have to tell you the mood he's been

444. in since he lost them suckers.

445. - Honor bar? - Hold it.

446. You can't go up there.

447. It's private.

448. Punch that cow, little buddy.

449. I could really go for a $17 bottle of cashews right now.

450. And I just gotta go.