1. Neat.
Copy !req
2. Sweet.
Copy !req
3. Petite.
Copy !req
4. My dear, the hot
coals are ready.
Copy !req
5. Uncle Fester, are you ready?
Copy !req
6. Well...
Copy !req
7. Make sure they're good and hot.
Copy !req
8. Thank you, Lurch. Good man.
Copy !req
9. Uncle Fester, are you sure
you want to go through with this?
Copy !req
10. Well...
Copy !req
11. You said you'd go
through fire for me, old man.
Copy !req
12. But not in my bare feet.
Copy !req
13. It's nothing to fear.
Copy !req
14. Purely a question
of mind over matter.
Copy !req
15. Well, in that case...
Copy !req
16. Oh, this is hot!
Copy !req
17. Bravo, bravo!
Copy !req
18. By golly, you did it!
Copy !req
19. After only one lesson
of Zen-Yogi. Yeah.
Copy !req
20. Oh, darling, with such an
inspired instructor as you,
Copy !req
21. anything is possible.
Copy !req
22. While they're still hot, I might as
well take a stroll through myself.
Copy !req
23. Nothing to it, once you've
mastered concentration.
Copy !req
24. How true, darling, how true.
Copy !req
25. But next time, why don't
you try it with your shoes off?
Copy !req
26. A mere technicality.
Copy !req
27. You're spoiling me, Morticia.
Copy !req
28. An Indian for each length.
Copy !req
29. Well, darling, you've always
said I was an Indian giver.
Copy !req
30. Now I've proved it.
Copy !req
31. Good cigar.
Copy !req
32. Hello, Father.
Copy !req
33. Ah, children, home from...
Copy !req
34. Where are you home from?
Copy !req
35. Oh, yes, you're
home from school.
Copy !req
36. How are things down
at the old brain factory?
Copy !req
37. Are you sure you wanna know?
Copy !req
38. Certainly. We're your parents.
Copy !req
39. Aren't we?
Copy !req
40. Of course we are, darling.
Copy !req
41. Look at the family resemblance.
Copy !req
42. Now, what seems
to be the difficulty?
Copy !req
43. A little problem
in trigonometry?
Copy !req
44. Calculus? Nuclear fission?
Copy !req
45. Anything I can't
handle, your mother can.
Copy !req
46. It's not that at all.
Copy !req
47. It's these books
they make us read.
Copy !req
48. Oh.
Copy !req
49. Oh, I do hope they're not teaching
you about the birds and the bees?
Copy !req
50. Yes, plenty of
time for that later.
Copy !req
51. On the other hand...
Copy !req
52. Gomez! Run along, children.
Copy !req
53. Oh, darling, it's even
worse than we thought.
Copy !req
54. Look at this. The Wicked Goblin.
Copy !req
55. That's ridiculous.
Copy !req
56. I never met a
goblin I didn't like.
Copy !req
57. Oh, dear, I don't think I can even
bear to read the title of this one.
Copy !req
58. You must. If the children
can stand it, so can I.
Copy !req
59. How Sir Lancelot
Slew the Evil Giant.
Copy !req
60. It's outrageous.
Copy !req
61. Who ever heard of an evil giant?
Copy !req
62. Of course, a giant is
simply an oversized pygmy.
Copy !req
63. Read the title of the other one.
Copy !req
64. Oh, dear.
Copy !req
65. How Pamela Escaped
from the Wicked Witch.
Copy !req
66. Oh, I wish I hadn't asked.
Copy !req
67. Imagine, poisoning a child's
mind with all this terrible literature.
Copy !req
68. Children, have you protested?
Copy !req
69. Sure.
Copy !req
70. We told Miss Doubleday
that us Addamses like giants,
Copy !req
71. goblins and witches.
Copy !req
72. But she just muttered
something about nuts.
Copy !req
73. "Nuts"? That does it.
Copy !req
74. We'll march to the
board of education.
Copy !req
75. We'll picket the PTA.
Copy !req
76. Darling, we've complained
before. It doesn't do any good.
Copy !req
77. The abuses just continue.
Copy !req
78. What can we do?
Copy !req
79. Besides, the poor educators are
probably doing the best they can.
Copy !req
80. If they had better books,
I'm sure they'd use them.
Copy !req
81. Probably.
Copy !req
82. The point is, someone
has to write them.
Copy !req
83. But who?
Copy !req
84. Querida.
Copy !req
85. You?
Copy !req
86. Oh, no, I couldn't.
Copy !req
87. But then again, why not?
Copy !req
88. With your busy schedule,
you'd dedicate yourself
Copy !req
89. to the task of creating a
new literature for children?
Copy !req
90. Darling, this is very
important. It must be done.
Copy !req
91. What a sacrifice!
Copy !req
92. This is a red-letter
day for book-lovers.
Copy !req
93. Querida.
Copy !req
94. You have to work
down here in the cave?
Copy !req
95. The closest thing we
have to a lonely garret.
Copy !req
96. Then why not use the garret?
Copy !req
97. Lurch likes to use it
for his clay-modeling.
Copy !req
98. Darling, why don't
you turn off the echo?
Copy !req
99. Thing.
Copy !req
100. Thank you, Thing.
Copy !req
101. Now then, I'll just bring in
a cot, and sleep over there.
Copy !req
102. Oh, no, darling, you'll
interfere with my work.
Copy !req
103. That's the idea.
Copy !req
104. All work and no play...
Copy !req
105. All work and no
play gets books done.
Copy !req
106. But you'll need literary advice.
Copy !req
107. I'll ask Cousin Cackle.
Copy !req
108. You see? He's just
dying to give advice.
Copy !req
109. Cackle's been in
this cave for 30 years.
Copy !req
110. What does he know
about the world?
Copy !req
111. Darling, a man who's
lived in a cave for 30 years
Copy !req
112. certainly has had
a lot of time to think.
Copy !req
113. Well, I guess the first
thing I'll need is a title.
Copy !req
114. Why, thank you, Thing.
Copy !req
115. That's a lovely title.
Copy !req
116. The Good Giant Slays
Wicked Sir Lancelot.
Copy !req
117. Thank you.
Copy !req
118. Will I see you at dinner?
Copy !req
119. Oh, I doubt it, dear.
Copy !req
120. I'll probably just munch
some jimsonweed,
Copy !req
121. and work right
through the night.
Copy !req
122. Well, in that case...
Copy !req
123. Aloha.
Copy !req
124. Aloha, bubele.
Copy !req
125. You know what that
name does to me.
Copy !req
126. Darling, please.
Copy !req
127. Book, now. Bubele, later.
Copy !req
128. Sorry.
Copy !req
129. This is how Louisa May
Alcott must have looked,
Copy !req
130. when she started Little Women.
Copy !req
131. Well, I've started.
Copy !req
132. Only 300 more pages to go.
Copy !req
133. We've cleared out
at least three shelves.
Copy !req
134. Aren't you going
a bit overboard?
Copy !req
135. Morticia's only
started her first book.
Copy !req
136. You have to look ahead.
Copy !req
137. Once Morticia gets rolling,
Copy !req
138. we'll have to clear out
every shelf in the house.
Copy !req
139. Dickens, too?
Copy !req
140. I'm afraid so, Lurch.
Copy !req
141. Everyone has to do his part.
Copy !req
142. How long has
Morticia been on this?
Copy !req
143. Exactly two days, 13
hours and 41 minutes.
Copy !req
144. But every one, well worth it.
Copy !req
145. Oh, thank you, Thing.
Copy !req
146. I can see it all now.
Copy !req
147. "Morticia Addams, the
new literary sensation."
Copy !req
148. Traveling all over the world,
Copy !req
149. drinking it up at
those literary teas.
Copy !req
150. Making speeches, signing
autographs, telling off the critics.
Copy !req
151. We might not even see
her for six months at a time.
Copy !req
152. Six months?
Copy !req
153. Oh, maybe even six years.
Copy !req
154. But as long as
it's for humanity,
Copy !req
155. who cares? I care.
Copy !req
156. If the girl travels,
I'm going with her.
Copy !req
157. Oh, you can't do that.
Copy !req
158. Somebody's gotta stay at
home and take care of the kids.
Copy !req
159. What about you?
Copy !req
160. Oh, I can take care of myself.
Copy !req
161. Can't you look
after the children?
Copy !req
162. Oh, sorry, I'll be too busy
answering Morticia's fan letters.
Copy !req
163. And besides, they're your kids.
Copy !req
164. Gadzooks! I may have
created a Frankenstein.
Copy !req
165. The Decline and Fall
of the Roman Empire.
Copy !req
166. Morticia.
Copy !req
167. Querida, I must talk to you.
Copy !req
168. Oh, of course, that's it.
Copy !req
169. That's what comes next.
Copy !req
170. "The...
Copy !req
171. "End."
Copy !req
172. Thank you so much, Thing.
Copy !req
173. My fingers were getting numb.
Copy !req
174. Oh, darling,
you're just in time.
Copy !req
175. My first book, all
ready for publication.
Copy !req
176. Wonderful.
Copy !req
177. And just think, it only took
me two days, 10 hours and...
Copy !req
178. 37 minutes.
Copy !req
179. Don't you realize we've hardly
had a word together for days?
Copy !req
180. Well, let's talk now, dear.
Copy !req
181. I'm taking a 10-minute
break between books.
Copy !req
182. In that case, let's
not waste a second.
Copy !req
183. Gomez, darling, don't you
want to talk about my book?
Copy !req
184. Oh, yes.
Copy !req
185. The book.
Copy !req
186. My first story,
Copy !req
187. Cinderella the
Teenage Delinquent.
Copy !req
188. Cinderella...
Copy !req
189. My blood boils when I
think of that little minx.
Copy !req
190. Gomez, can you imagine?
Copy !req
191. Those two Good Samaritans take her
in off the street, and what does she do?
Copy !req
192. The night they need her the
most, she runs off in a pumpkin.
Copy !req
193. How did you right that wrong?
Copy !req
194. Simple.
Copy !req
195. Ah, here. "As the
clock struck 12:00,
Copy !req
196. "the police summoned
by the kindly stepmother
Copy !req
197. "found Cinderella cowering in the
ashes, with a stolen glass slipper,
Copy !req
198. "and yanked her
off to the pokey."
Copy !req
199. Cara mia! You've done it.
Copy !req
200. This'll open the eyes of
school librarians everywhere.
Copy !req
201. Oh, darling, I'm sorry.
Copy !req
202. Your 10 minutes
are up. Back to work.
Copy !req
203. Dear, would you please proofread
that and send it off to a publisher?
Copy !req
204. Which one?
Copy !req
205. Uh, try Demon Press.
Copy !req
206. They sound just perfect
for children's books.
Copy !req
207. Thank you, Thing.
Copy !req
208. Thanks again, Thing.
Copy !req
209. What's the matter, Gomez?
Copy !req
210. Fester, you've caught me
on the horns of a dilemma.
Copy !req
211. Well, why don't
you hop off of it,
Copy !req
212. and just tell me all about it?
Copy !req
213. I'm supposed to
mail this manuscript
Copy !req
214. to Morticia's publisher,
but I don't dare.
Copy !req
215. Oh, it's that bad,
huh? It's that good.
Copy !req
216. Once he sees this,
I've lost her forever.
Copy !req
217. There'll be nothing
but abject misery
Copy !req
218. for both of us and the children.
Copy !req
219. So just don't mail it.
Copy !req
220. I can't do that, she trusts me.
Copy !req
221. That makes it easier.
Copy !req
222. Out of the question.
Copy !req
223. Oh, I got a better
idea. What's that?
Copy !req
224. Why don't you just
change it a little bit,
Copy !req
225. so the publisher won't like it?
Copy !req
226. Tamper with this masterpiece?
Copy !req
227. Fester, that's like asking me to
put a moustache on the Mona Lisa.
Copy !req
228. Or put plastic arms on Venus.
Copy !req
229. Or finger-paint on the
ceiling of the Sistine Chapel.
Copy !req
230. Okay, it was just a suggestion.
Copy !req
231. And a great one.
Copy !req
232. I'll do it.
Copy !req
233. A more miserable man
never roamed this earth.
Copy !req
234. You can be miserable, all right.
Copy !req
235. But for now, will you relax?
Copy !req
236. How can I?
Copy !req
237. Please.
Copy !req
238. I'll try.
Copy !req
239. Much better.
Copy !req
240. It's no use, Fester.
Copy !req
241. Even Zen-Yogi doesn't help.
Copy !req
242. I'm a seething volcano inside.
Copy !req
243. All you're doing is changing
a few of Morticia's words,
Copy !req
244. just enough so the
publisher will turn it down,
Copy !req
245. and you've got your wife back.
Copy !req
246. But at what price?
Copy !req
247. How can a man of honor
tamper with her beautiful lines?
Copy !req
248. Who needs a man
of honor? You do it.
Copy !req
249. Well, better to preserve a
marriage than a masterpiece.
Copy !req
250. I'll dictate the changes,
you write them down.
Copy !req
251. Okay, take it from the top.
Copy !req
252. "Out of the sweet-scented swamp,
Copy !req
253. "Lucifer, the kindly
wolf, minced dandily."
Copy !req
254. All right, change that to
"Across a daisy-covered meadow,
Copy !req
255. "the snarling, sniveling,
slathering wolf slunk."
Copy !req
256. That's great.
Copy !req
257. But isn't that "slank"?
Copy !req
258. No, I think it's "slinked."
Copy !req
259. How about "slunk"?
Copy !req
260. Very well, make it "slunk."
Copy !req
261. I can't go on. You've got to.
Copy !req
262. You convinced me.
Copy !req
263. Ah, thank you, Thing.
Copy !req
264. I don't know what I would
have done without you.
Copy !req
265. I better sharpen this quill.
Copy !req
266. All right.
Copy !req
267. Boy, they're not making
quills like they used to.
Copy !req
268. I feel so guilty, being
away from my writing.
Copy !req
269. You've got to relax. If Keats
had had a ping-pong table
Copy !req
270. he'd have lived longer.
Copy !req
271. How can I relax?
Copy !req
272. It's been three days and
no word from my publisher.
Copy !req
273. Don't worry, the rejection slip
ought to be here any minute.
Copy !req
274. Rejection slip?
Copy !req
275. Gomez, what does he mean?
Copy !req
276. Querida, we must be realistic.
Copy !req
277. Genius often goes unrecognized.
Copy !req
278. After all, Dostoyevsky wasn't
discovered until he was 56.
Copy !req
279. No wonder.
Copy !req
280. With a name like that, the reviewers
probably couldn't even spell it.
Copy !req
281. Whose point was that, Fester?
Copy !req
282. Who could that be?
Copy !req
283. Oh, wouldn't it be lovely
Copy !req
284. if it was my publisher, telling
me he was going to print my book?
Copy !req
285. You writers, you
live in a dream world.
Copy !req
286. Mr. Boswell, publisher.
Copy !req
287. For a minute there,
I thought you said...
Copy !req
288. Mr. Boswell? Publisher?
Copy !req
289. Ah, Morticia Addams.
Let me look at you.
Copy !req
290. Incredible.
Copy !req
291. How do you do?
Copy !req
292. Look, Boswell, if you're
here with a rejection slip,
Copy !req
293. be quick about it
and on your way.
Copy !req
294. Rejection slip?
Really, my dear fellow!
Copy !req
295. Why, this little
lady is a genius.
Copy !req
296. And I'm here to
publish her work.
Copy !req
297. What do you have to
say to that, Mrs. Addams?
Copy !req
298. Thank you.
Copy !req
299. Now, as to the finances,
Copy !req
300. at present we're a little
tight with working capital.
Copy !req
301. However, if you could see
fit to put up, let's say, $5,000,
Copy !req
302. I'll publish your book,
and we'll make a fortune.
Copy !req
303. That sounds intriguing.
Copy !req
304. Just as I thought, a bunko
artist, out for the money.
Copy !req
305. I'll shoot him in the back.
Copy !req
306. I've got a better idea.
Copy !req
307. In the front?
Copy !req
308. Boswell.
Copy !req
309. I've decided to
accept your offer,
Copy !req
310. but we'll make it $10,000
and use a higher-grade paper.
Copy !req
311. You better let me shoot him
in the back. It's much cheaper.
Copy !req
312. No.
Copy !req
313. 10,000.
Copy !req
314. This is most generous of you.
Copy !req
315. Without my husband's help,
Copy !req
316. none of this would be possible.
Copy !req
317. You can say that again.
Copy !req
318. I've got to get the
presses rolling.
Copy !req
319. I'll see you out.
Copy !req
320. I suppose you'll want some
snapshots and some biographical notes?
Copy !req
321. Uh, just the snapshots.
Copy !req
322. Let's forget the
biographical notes.
Copy !req
323. You gave that
faker 10,000 bucks?
Copy !req
324. And with good reason.
Copy !req
325. With that much, the
scoundrel will skip to Brazil
Copy !req
326. and that'll be the end of it.
Copy !req
327. And to think, some
people call you a nut.
Copy !req
328. No wonder!
Copy !req
329. Please, I'm too upset!
Copy !req
330. In-laws.
Copy !req
331. Lunch.
Copy !req
332. Oh, Lurch. Just in time.
Copy !req
333. Yes, midnight.
Copy !req
334. Did Mr. Addams go to bed?
Copy !req
335. Sound asleep.
Copy !req
336. Tish, you spoke French!
Copy !req
337. Darling, now, now, now.
Copy !req
338. You repose while
I compose, dear.
Copy !req
339. Lurch, a very interesting
technical question has arisen.
Copy !req
340. And both Thing and Cousin Cackle
Copy !req
341. seemed a little vague about it.
Copy !req
342. Yes?
Copy !req
343. What was the name
of that mean little girl,
Copy !req
344. who was so beastly to
those three lovely bears?
Copy !req
345. Goldilocks.
Copy !req
346. Ah, yes. Goldilocks.
Copy !req
347. Trust a blonde to
bring on trouble.
Copy !req
348. Well, when I get through
with Miss Goldilocks,
Copy !req
349. her books will be banned
from coast to coast.
Copy !req
350. Oh, Lurch,
Copy !req
351. Mr. Addams didn't quite make it.
Copy !req
352. Would you tuck him in, please?
Copy !req
353. Yes, Mrs. Addams.
Copy !req
354. Hey, Gomez, grab
your motorcycle.
Copy !req
355. I'll race you to the attic.
Copy !req
356. Fester, my wife's been in
that cave for three weeks
Copy !req
357. and you want me
to go hill-climbing?
Copy !req
358. Can you think of
anything better to do?
Copy !req
359. My poor querida.
Copy !req
360. Slaving away on book eight, for
what? For some phony publisher
Copy !req
361. living it up in Rio.
Copy !req
362. I got a hunch he
didn't go to Rio.
Copy !req
363. I think he went to Europe.
Copy !req
364. What difference does it make?
Copy !req
365. Well, it costs a
lot less in Europe.
Copy !req
366. He might bring you
back some change.
Copy !req
367. I don't care about the money.
Copy !req
368. I must tell Morticia the truth.
Copy !req
369. About Boswell?
Copy !req
370. About my tampering
with her book.
Copy !req
371. Oh, well, I'm certainly glad that I
didn't have anything to do with that.
Copy !req
372. Well, here it is,
Gomez, darling.
Copy !req
373. Book number eight.
Copy !req
374. And not a word from Mr. Boswell
about book number one.
Copy !req
375. Tish, are books all
you can think about?
Copy !req
376. For a dedicated authoress,
dear, what else is there?
Copy !req
377. There's me.
Copy !req
378. Oh, you're right.
Copy !req
379. My next book will be about you.
Copy !req
380. Morticia,
Copy !req
381. there's something
I must tell you.
Copy !req
382. You'll never hear from
Mr. Boswell again. Oh?
Copy !req
383. Hey, who do you
think's coming in?
Copy !req
384. Cousin Turncoat?
Copy !req
385. No, Mr. Boswell.
Come in, come in.
Copy !req
386. Folks, this is a great day
for American literature.
Copy !req
387. You're going back to Brazil?
Copy !req
388. No, dear, I believe Mr. Boswell
means he brought us some good news?
Copy !req
389. Did you bring us some change?
Copy !req
390. Some change indeed.
Copy !req
391. $2,000 worth, as an
advance to Mrs. Addams.
Copy !req
392. And there'll be many
thousands more,
Copy !req
393. when the book hits
the bestseller lists.
Copy !req
394. You mean you printed it?
Copy !req
395. In genuine pebbled calfskin.
Copy !req
396. Egad!
Copy !req
397. The man's more
cunning than I thought.
Copy !req
398. He's after more money.
Copy !req
399. Gomez, just think, my
work on the same shelves
Copy !req
400. with Plato, Shakespeare
and Aristophanes.
Copy !req
401. Even Mickey Spillane.
Copy !req
402. The advance sale
has been tremendous.
Copy !req
403. Schools are ordering
books like hotcakes.
Copy !req
404. You're sure you don't mean
ordering hotcakes like books?
Copy !req
405. Mrs. Addams, here is a
contract for your next 10 books.
Copy !req
406. Read it, sign it, get it back
to me, and we're in business.
Copy !req
407. Thank you.
Copy !req
408. Well, toodle-oo.
Copy !req
409. I never figured him
for a toodle-ooer.
Copy !req
410. Gomez, what perfidy is this?
Copy !req
411. Is something wrong, my dear?
Copy !req
412. Wrong? Listen to this title.
Copy !req
413. A Treasury of Mean Witches,
Copy !req
414. Evil Giants and Wicked Goblins,
Copy !req
415. and Other Bedtime Stories.
Copy !req
416. The censors'll never pass that.
Copy !req
417. And listen to this!
Copy !req
418. "Across the
daisy-covered meadow,
Copy !req
419. "the snarling, sniveling,
slavering wolf slunk."
Copy !req
420. "Slinked"?
Copy !req
421. I felt that it should
have been "slank."
Copy !req
422. Slinked, slanked or slunked!
Copy !req
423. That treacherous Mr. Boswell
Copy !req
424. and his hired assassins
have ruined my work.
Copy !req
425. The cad! I'll shoot
him in the back.
Copy !req
426. No, Fester, we
can't go that far.
Copy !req
427. One bullet each? No,
there will be no shooting.
Copy !req
428. I have the soul of an artist,
Copy !req
429. and I will not sell
it for mere money.
Copy !req
430. Querida! You've
given up writing.
Copy !req
431. For the time being.
Copy !req
432. The world isn't ready
for good literature.
Copy !req
433. How true.
Copy !req
434. The world isn't ready for you.
Copy !req
435. But I'm more than ready.
Copy !req
436. Mon cher.
Copy !req
437. Tish...
Copy !req
438. Next time you write a
book, write it in French.
Copy !req
439. Mais oui.
Copy !req
440. Hello, Mother. Hello, Father.
Copy !req
441. Ah, children.
Copy !req
442. Hello, darlings.
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443. Look at these books they
gave us to read in school.
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444. A Treasury of Mean Witches,
Evil Giants, Wicked Goblins
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445. and Other Bedtime
Stories by Morticia Addams.
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446. Mother, how could you?
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447. Yuck.
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448. Children, please,
watch your language.
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449. Besides, your mother
didn't write those, I did.
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450. Gomez, you?
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451. Children, please go
play with your spiders.
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452. Cara, much as it hurt to rewrite
those glorious phrases of yours,
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453. I had to do it.
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454. And I know why. You do?
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455. You wanted to prove
that the only thing
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456. that publishers will
print today is junk.
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457. Angelito mio.
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458. Mail's in.
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459. Thank you, Thing.
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460. It must be for me.
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461. It is for you, Uncle Fester.
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462. It's from my publisher.
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463. Publisher?
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464. Yeah, I wrote a
book. Forever Fester.
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465. And this fellow accepted it.
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466. And I only had to
give him $5,000.
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467. And he didn't run off to
Brazil or Europe, either.
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468. He skipped to Australia.
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