The Addams Family 2x1

1. Neat.

2. Sweet.

3. Petite.

4. Wonderful, darling. Such precision.

5. It's not easy.

6. Terrific.

7. I wish that doctor could see him now.

8. Doctor?

9. You know, the one that said our family was unbalanced.

10. Gomez has got plenty of balance.

11. Just takes practice.

12. As soon as I get a little more practice, then I'll unhook it.

13. Well, Lurch, you may take it down now.

14. I hope you have it perfected by Wednesday's birthday.

15. We have plenty of surprises for Wednesday.

16. For one thing, we're going to put on a play.

17. A new drama by that great new dramatist,

18. Tennessee Addams.

19. And we're all going to be in it.

20. Oh.

21. Come with me to the casbah.

22. Heathcliff, where are you?

23. Lady Chatterley, I love you.

24. By george, this house is a veritable cesspool of talent.

25. Wednesday will be so thrilled.

26. Gomez, what's the play about?

27. Well, it's a most unusual plot.

28. There's this young couple, Claude and Mabel.

29. And they're in love.

30. But their families are feuding

31. and they refuse to let the young lovers get married.

32. How delightfully tragic.

33. Thank you, my dear.

34. Well, there's no use telling you the rest.

35. We'll have a play read.

36. Places, please. Lurch, a little mood music.

37. "And then he takes poison,

38. "and then she takes poison.

39. "And they both die happily ever after."

40. Oh, what a lovely finish, Gomez.

41. Real togetherness.

42. Quite a twist, eh?

43. Well, now for the casting.

44. Morticia, of course, will play the girl.

45. Mama will play her mother. Fester...

46. Of course we want you in it, Cousin Itt.

47. What would the play be without you?

48. I just want to find the right part for you.

49. Hey, Gomez, if you put this to music, he could play a Beatle.

50. In fact, all four of them.

51. You need any singers?

52. No.

53. No, there's no part for a sheepdog, either.

54. Don't say that, Cousin Itt.

55. You are not useless and good for nothing.

56. You most certainly are good for something.

57. We just don't know what it is.

58. Gomez, darling,

59. Cousin Itt's inferiority complex

60. is getting worse all the time.

61. I have it.

62. Cousin Itt, you are going to be the star

63. of our new play. The hero, Claude.

64. I think I'm allergic to you. Here.

65. You do? Isn't that amazing?

66. He knows the part after only hearing it read once.

67. Now, let's see. We'll start with the love scene at the top of Act Two.

68. Claude, the hero, is looking up

69. at Mabel's balcony, and says...

70. Marvelous. What feeling, what emotion.

71. Such passion, such depth of feeling.

72. Querida, play the scene with him.

73. At the top of the balcony, go on.

74. There, Act Two.

75. Oh, thank you.

76. "We must flee, my love.

77. "If my father catches you here,

78. "he will shoot you, kill you, and break your glasses."

79. Wait a minute. You changed one of my lines.

80. That's different.

81. Are you sure this part doesn't call for a taller man?

82. Someone like me.

83. No, Cousin Itt is perfection.

84. But Uncle Fester, you could be the understudy.

85. You mean, if something happens to him,

86. like if he gets clobbered,

87. I could play Claude?

88. Of course.

89. Uh-huh.

90. Itt.

91. Let's go down to the playroom.

92. We can rehearse together.

93. Lurch, you can be the second understudy.

94. That means if Cousin Itt can't make it,

95. and something happens to Uncle Fester, you play Claude.

96. Darling, I'm so happy.

97. I think Cousin Itt has finally found himself.

98. That isn't easy under all that hair.

99. To make sure the play is a success,

100. I'm going to hire a big director.

101. Where will you find a big director?

102. In the directory, where else?

103. And I, Eric Von Bissell, will make the decisions.

104. Remember that, Bennie.

105. I am the director. You are only my agent.

106. Okay, okay. Only just don't blow the job.

107. How come this guy Addams to call you, anyhow?

108. Probably remembered some of my more distinguished pictures.

109. Pretty good memory.

110. When was your last one? 1932?

111. Never mind that.

112. Addams says he has a great play and a great cast.

113. This could be the start of an entirely new career.

114. Fine start.

115. I do not direct home-talent plays.

116. Oh, what he means is that his fee is too high, Mr. Addams.

117. 50 G's.

118. I'll do better than that. I'll give him 50 thousand.

119. Dollars? Dollars?

120. I think there's $60,000 there.

121. You can keep the change.

122. Well, money isn't everything.

123. My talent, my reputation.

124. Excuse us just a moment, please.

125. Come with me.

126. What do you think, my dear?

127. Don't worry, darling.

128. When they read your play, they'll be dying to do it.

129. Was Cousin Itt yelling for help?

130. That's the scene from the third act,

131. when Mabel's father is after him with a sword.

132. My, he certainly makes it sound convincing.

133. Well, he really puts feeling into it.

134. Excuse me, my dear.

135. Mr. Addams, my client has decided to do your play, after thinking it all over.

136. I knew you'd come around, old man.

137. Of course, this living room is hardly a Broadway theatre.

138. By george, you're right, this play should be on Broadway.

139. What?

140. Wednesday's party will serve as an out-of-town tryout.

141. That does it. Get another director.

142. Think of the challenge. No.

143. Think of the prestige. No.

144. Think of the money.

145. I do it.

146. You rang?

147. Call Cousin Itt, will you, Lurch?

148. Gone.

149. Nonsense. Have Fester help you find him.

150. Gone, too.

151. Gone?

152. But who'll play Claude?

153. Me.

154. Something is rotten in Denmark.

155. Not in Denmark. In the playroom.

156. Gomez, the old chest. Quick, open it up.

157. Great Scott!

158. I know you're shy, Cousin Itt, but this is ridiculous.

159. Uncle Fester? How shocking.

160. Help! Get me out of here! Help.

161. Gomez, darling.

162. Get me out of here.

163. Uncle Fester, how could you do that to Cousin Itt?

164. Him? What about me?

165. Somebody grabbed me from behind

166. and threw me in there and locked me up

167. before I knew what was happening!

168. I think I'm beginning to understand.

169. Come out, Lurch.

170. There will be no more of this.

171. If anything happens to Cousin Itt the play is off.

172. Come. Come along, Itt.

173. Well?

174. Oh, stop worrying about your reputation.

175. Nobody's going to see this crummy play anyhow.

176. That's right. Put it on and run like a thief.

177. Gentlemen, the moment you've all been waiting for.

178. We give you our star, Cousin Itt.

179. What is that?

180. That's Cousin Itt, our leading man.

181. Really a new face, eh?

182. New face?

183. I don't see no face at all.

184. I am a director. Not a barber.

185. Von B.

186. But a true artist overcomes all obstacles.

187. Oh, Gomez, darling, I do so adore temperamental artists.

188. Thank you, darling.

189. Well, all right, let's run through the opening scene now.

190. Mrs. Addams, will you please stand over there?

191. You and that.

192. Now, you're madly in love, but your father

193. has forbidden you to marry him.

194. And so you are telling Claude.

195. Go.

196. "Darling Claude,

197. "my father has forbidden our nuptials."

198. Stop it! Stop it!

199. Is something wrong?

200. "Something wrong"?

201. Terrible!

202. Sounded fine to me.

203. Oh, that's impossible.

204. I will not work with such insanity!

205. Please. Cousin Itt is very sensitive.

206. Where'd he go?

207. Where any sensitive artist would go when his feelings are wounded.

208. Up the chimney.

209. Come down, Cousin Itt. He didn't mean it.

210. Oh, dear, now see what you've done.

211. He likes it up there.

212. Think of your career, your public...

213. Well, anyway, it was a soft answer.

214. Please tell him you're sorry.

215. Sorry for what?

216. 60,000 bucks.

217. Say it again.

218. 60,000 bucks.

219. He looks like a raccoon and talks like a gopher,

220. but he has possibilities.

221. Thank you.

222. Cousin Itt, did you hear that?

223. Oh, Itt!

224. I knew you wouldn't let a little clash of temperament

225. wreck a great work of art.

226. Come on.

227. Gomez.

228. Mr. Von Bissell may have a point.

229. I do think Itt's voice is a bit too fast for the average listener.

230. I never noticed that.

231. Yes, I noticed it in that last scene we did.

232. Perhaps we'd best take him down to the playroom

233. and work on his voice.

234. Bring out that fine timbre.

235. Great idea, but we'll have to watch out for splinters.

236. Now, let's try it once more, Cousin Itt.

237. And slowly.

238. "The rain in Spain

239. "stays mainly on the plain."

240. No, no, no.

241. Slower, Cousin Itt, much slower.

242. Let's bring out those nice pear-shaped tones.

243. Querida.

244. Excuse me.

245. Maybe he'd give us pear-shaped tones,

246. if we gave him a pear-shaped head.

247. That's a brilliant idea. Let's try it.

248. Oh, not too much, dear, just a nice pear shape.

249. There. That ought to do it.

250. Now. "The rain in Spain

251. "stays mainly on the plain."

252. Oh, dear, it's not a bit better.

253. No wonder. I got the wrong end of him in here.

254. His voice is much too high.

255. I wish we could lower it.

256. Maybe we should drop him down a well.

257. Sorry, it was only a suggestion.

258. Gomez, darling, I do remember reading somewhere

259. where if you put marbles in your mouth,

260. it gives you nice round tones.

261. You're right, querida. Use mine.

262. Here, Cousin Itt. Put these in your mouth.

263. Now, let's try it again.

264. "The rain in..."

265. They're delicious?

266. But you're not supposed to eat them.

267. Cousin Itt, they were my good dibbies!

268. I won them off of Pugsley.

269. Really, Cousin Itt. Now, here.

270. No, no, no.

271. Oh, no, darling, it's all right.

272. Here, just put these in your mouth, and hold them.

273. Let's try a new phrase.

274. "The witch's ditch is mainly full of pitch." Yes.

275. "The witch's ditch is mainly full of pitch."

276. "ditch is mainly full of..."

277. By Jove, I think he's got it.

278. No, now try it again, nice and easy.

279. "The witch's ditch is mainly full of..."

280. Again.

281. "The witch's ditch is mainly full of pitch."

282. He has got it.

283. "The witch's ditch is mainly full of pitch!"

284. "The witch's ditch is mainly full of pitch."

285. "The witch's ditch is mainly full of pitch."

286. "If you love me, gentle Claude,

287. "I pray thee, tell me so."

288. Itt, we're waiting.

289. What's the getup for?

290. If you go Hollywood, go all the way.

291. Which one is their cousin?

292. Maybe both of them.

293. Cue again.

294. "I pray thee, tell me so."

295. "Lady, by yonder blessed moon..."

296. Pardon me.

297. You may go out and play, Throckmorton.

298. "Lady, by yonder blessed moon I swear,

299. "that tips with silver all these dead treetops,

300. "while vultures croak in ecstasy,

301. "I dare to love thee, ere my head your father chops."

302. Bravo! Bravo!

303. Von Bissell, a star is born.

304. It's a miracle.

305. It'll take more than a miracle.

306. But I'll try.

307. Good.

308. Fester, get the cast together.

309. All right, everybody. On stage.

310. Come on, Itt, over there.

311. Really, old man, you're not addressing a peasant, you know.

312. You're speaking to the star.

313. I shall inform you when I'm ready.

314. "Soft! What light through yonder window breaks..."

315. If the play is a success he'll be absolutely impossible.

316. Isn't that wonderful?

317. Well, I think I'll go fix my makeup.

318. Querida, use that baking powder number four.

319. It looks absolutely magnificent on you.

320. Bubele.

321. That word.

322. Darling, please.

323. Bissell now, bubele later.

324. Ah, yes.

325. And to think that I once directed

326. for a producer like Sam Derrick.

327. Sam Derrick!

328. By Jove, there's a real producer.

329. I can see it now.

330. Derrick producing, you directing. Sure hit.

331. I'll have my office draw up a contract and get him over here.

332. Oh, no! Please.

333. Oh, that would ruin me.

334. Thank you, Thing. Hello, Addams here.

335. I want you to get Sam Derrick,

336. the big producer, over here immediately.

337. Fine.

338. He'll be here tomorrow.

339. Von Bissell? Bennie?

340. Then they just ran out the door and disappeared.

341. Just as well. I was going to dismiss the old boy.

342. Dismiss Von Bissell?

343. He tended to limit my artistic capabilities.

344. What do you mean by that, Lurch?

345. Just...

346. That's quite enough. You may go to your room.

347. I simply can't abide insolence.

348. Dear, we've never had this sort of ill-feeling before.

349. That's true, Itt.

350. Besides, Lurch is much more than a servant around here.

351. And I'm afraid I'm gonna have to ask you to...

352. Mommy, Daddy.

353. Hello, Wednesday, darling, welcome home.

354. Did you enjoy school?

355. Pugsley flunked spelling again.

356. A real Addams.

357. I didn't flunk anything.

358. I was too excited about my birthday play.

359. I'm sorry, child, you'll have to forget about the play.

360. Forget about it?

361. I have no time for that sort of foolishness.

362. I've decided to do Hamlet for Mr. Derrick tomorrow.

363. "It's a far, far better thing..."

364. No, that was Dickens.

365. We'd better get some hair remover

366. and see if that's really Itt under there.

367. Darling, you run along and play.

368. Everything is going to be all right.

369. Oh, it's all my fault, Gomez.

370. When I changed his voice, I changed his whole personality.

371. Oh, it's not your fault, it's just...

372. It's just... Well, come to think of it, it is your fault.

373. If we could only get his sweet voice back again.

374. I know he'd be his dear self.

375. Morticia.

376. These may help you get through to him.

377. Oh, yes. Thank you, dear.

378. So now I realize what a mistake it all was.

379. A mistake?

380. Yes, with your new voice,

381. you sound just like any other actor.

382. Mr. Derrick wants something new and different.

383. You may have a point there.

384. And your old voice was wonderful.

385. We must get it back.

386. It was so original, so different.

387. That's true.

388. I'm so glad you have an open mind about it.

389. Well, we might just as well start now.

390. Now, repeat after me.

391. "The rain in Spain stays mainly on the plain."

392. No, speed it up, Cousin Itt, speed it up.

393. Now let's try a different phrase.

394. Now, try that, very quickly.

395. "The bats in hats stay mainly on the flats."

396. Rather silly expression, don't you think?

397. Please let's try to concentrate, Cousin Itt.

398. We must get your old voice back.

399. Now.

400. I'm sorry, my dear, but it simply won't come out that way.

401. If you'll excuse me, I must rehearse.

402. Big day tomorrow, you know.

403. "Alas, poor Yorick! I knew him, Horatio."

404. "To be, or not to be, that is the question."

405. Poor Wednesday, she's so upset

406. because Cousin Itt won't do the play.

407. Itt will be on his way to Broadway tonight.

408. I kind of hate to see the little pest go.

409. Mr. Derrick.

410. How do you do?

411. I'm told you have an actor you want me to meet.

412. Well, I am a very busy man.

413. "To be, or not to be, that is the question.

414. "Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer

415. "the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune,

416. "or to take arms against a sea of troubles, and by opposing end them?"

417. Amazing. Incredible!

418. We leave for Hollywood tonight.

419. Hollywood?

420. But I thought Broadway was in New York.

421. Madam, I am on my way out to Hollywood to do a picture.

422. The Hairy Beast from the Mars Canals.

423. And he'll be perfect in the title role.

424. And we'll play it with no makeup.

425. The Hairy Beast of...

426. Me? Play the... Why, you...

427. Lurch!

428. Follow me.

429. But...

430. Good old Cousin Itt.

431. He's his own sweet self again.

432. Pugsley and I just traded dynamite caps.

433. Shh.

434. Uncle Fester, Gomez is writing a new play.

435. "If you prick us, do we not bleed?

436. "If you tickle us, do we not laugh?

437. "If you poison us, do we not die?

438. "If you wrong us, shall we not "revenge?"

439. Wonderful, darling, sounds so original.

440. Mmm?

441. Oh, oh, thank you.

442. You should hear the big scene.

443. This character, Charlie, can't pay back the $20 he owes.

444. This other fellow, Pete, demands a pound of flesh.

445. $20 for a pound of flesh?

446. Sounds fine to me.

447. It does?

448. Yeah, you should go in the butcher shop

449. and see the prices they're getting.

450. That's true.

451. Well, enough work for tonight.

452. To bed, querida, to bed.

453. Yes. To bed, darling.