The Addams Family 1x30

1. Neat.

2. Sweet.

3. Petite.

4. Oh, you tempestuous Latins.

5. I think you made me drop a stitch.

6. I'm sure Cousin Plato wouldn't mind.

7. What are you fashioning for the lad?

8. A ski cap.

9. Do you think he'll like it?

10. How could he help it?

11. When you block it, remember old Plato's left head is size six

12. and his right one is eight and three quarters.

13. Yes, it does give him a lovely tilt.

14. Uncle Fester, dear, is something wrong?

15. Plenty.

16. What's the matter, old man?

17. Every time you come back from town,

18. you're not your usual sunny self.

19. That ex-insurance man of ours.

20. Commissioner Henson? Yeah.

21. Well, he's ruining our city.

22. He's putting fresh paint on all the public buildings.

23. Whatever for?

24. To hide the soot.

25. Cover up... But the soot's the only thing

26. that's giving those buildings character.

27. And not only that, they're putting in a new freeway.

28. A freeway? Through our fair city?

29. You know, it's things like that that make you stop and think.

30. I'll be up in my closet, thinking.

31. Mail's in.

32. Thank you, Thing.

33. Oh! It's from the City Hall.

34. I wonder what they're doing writing to us?

35. Well, this is the time they select the man of the year.

36. I suppose I'll have to resign myself

37. to another giddy round of speechmaking

38. and chicken a la king.

39. Darling, I'm afraid this isn't an invitation

40. to become the man of the year.

41. What is it?

42. It's a condemnation of our property and eviction notice.

43. You're joshing.

44. It seems the new freeway is coming right through our living room.

45. Won't that crowd us a bit?

46. Fear not, querida mia.

47. No city in its right mind would want to ruin this fine old mansion.

48. This notice was obviously sent in error.

49. I'm sure you're right, darling.

50. Reminds me, dear.

51. Better get that hole in the ceiling fixed.

52. Come on now, Cleopatra, darling, you must eat something.

53. Look, this nice lamb chop will put the color back in your leaves.

54. Oh, darling, there's no need to pout.

55. Just because Lurch put on a blue patty instead of a nice pink one.

56. Gomez, darling, is that you?

57. No. I'm in here contemplating.

58. Darling, I hate to interrupt your Zen-Yogi, but...

59. Don't talk, darling.

60. Just stand there and let me look at you.

61. You were never lovelier.

62. And you're so handsome, darling.

63. With the blue blood of Spanish aristocracy rushing to your cranium.

64. Ole!

65. Gomez, did you hear an explosion a moment ago?

66. Oh, that.

67. Probably Uncle Fester down in the basement

68. testing for gas leaks with a lighted match.

69. Oh, I suppose you're right.

70. There goes another one.

71. My goodness, I do hope he doesn't blow himself up.

72. I hope not. He's wearing my best socks.

73. But que sera sera.

74. That reminds me, dear.

75. We got another letter from the City.

76. And guess what?

77. What, querida, what?

78. Thing tore it up.

79. Ah, that Thing. Always on his toes.

80. I think we'd better call the gas company.

81. Gomez, I wish you'd stop making that racket.

82. You got my new crocodile so nervous he started chasing his tail

83. and he rolled right out the window.

84. We didn't make that noise, Fester.

85. We thought it was you.

86. Testing for gas leaks.

87. Oh. It must be Pugsley.

88. Can't be Pugsley. He and Wednesday are out hunting toadstools.

89. This is very baffling.

90. That last explosion shook the whole neighborhood.

91. Well, here's our next customer.

92. Oh, I feel guilty getting paid for this one.

93. You're right, chief.

94. Getting rid of a monstrosity like the old Addams house

95. comes under the heading of sheer pleasure.

96. Well, that highway commissioner of ours

97. might not be the greatest brain in the world,

98. but deliberately routing the freeway through here

99. is a stroke of genius.

100. You're not kidding, chief.

101. Next time he runs, I'm gonna vote for him. Twice.

102. I'll match you to see who pushes the plunger.

103. Thing! I saw him with a gun this morning.

104. Thing.

105. Thing?

106. Thing?

107. Have you been shooting your gun?

108. Hold on. Let me see the gun.

109. I can tell if it's been fired just by smelling it.

110. A-ha!

111. Just as I thought.

112. Are you sure, Fester? Thing has never lied before.

113. Besides, all those loud noises couldn't possibly be made

114. by such a small gun.

115. Oh, no? Well, hold on to your hat.

116. I still think Thing...

117. This is getting irksome.

118. Just when I had the decor arranged so perfectly, too.

119. Oh, I like it this way. It's kind of lived in.

120. Uncle Fester, dear, there's such a thing as too much informality.

121. Now we're getting closer.

122. Well, they said it couldn't be done, but I did it.

123. Did what, Mama?

124. Invented artificial thunder.

125. Didn't you hear it?

126. You mean you produced those blasts?

127. I always knew that all I had to do

128. was rub these sticks together hard enough.

129. Hey! Why don't we patent it and form a corporation?

130. Capital idea, Fester! Who'll buy thunder?

131. Oh, forget it.

132. Mama, would you grace us with an on-the-spot demonstration?

133. Well, try and stop me, but stand back.

134. We'll need six sticks of dynamite for the entrance here.

135. Better make it eight sticks.

136. We wanna blow this dump so high that you'll...

137. Sir, what is the meaning of this intrusion?

138. Don't bother with the small talk.

139. I'll shoot him in the back.

140. Would you mind turning around, please?

141. Certainly not.

142. I'll thank you to stand still.

143. Uncle Fester, please.

144. Fester, this man may be a trespasser and a saboteur,

145. but he is our guest.

146. Saboteur? What are you talking about?

147. I'm just following orders.

148. Orders?

149. Do you suppose he's an enemy agent?

150. If you expect mercy, young man, you'd better come clean.

151. What country are you working for?

152. I don't work for any country. I work for the City.

153. Blowing people to bits?

154. It must be a civil service job.

155. Wait a minute.

156. What are you people doing here?

157. Didn't you get a notice to vacate?

158. Notice?

159. You don't expect us to take that absurd notice seriously?

160. That ridiculous missive was an insult to one's intelligence.

161. I'll shoot him in the back.

162. Uncle Fester, please. We do not go around shooting people in the back.

163. The side?

164. A fair fight or nothing.

165. Okay. Nothing.

166. You take this message back to your superior.

167. Tell him if he wants to build a freeway through our lovely home,

168. he'll have to blow us up first.

169. That is, he'll have to make other plans.

170. You rang?

171. Show the gentleman out.

172. Well, that's that.

173. Querida.

174. (TYPEWRITER CLACKING) And despite your position as commissioner,

175. I hereby warn you that

176. any further trespass by your hired vandals

177. will be resisted to the utmost.

178. Uh, Commissioner, if you don't mind, I'll wait out here.

179. As you wish.

180. But I assure you, Arthur J. Henson can handle a dozen Addamses.

181. Well, a half dozen.

182. PS, I always knew you were a corrupt, hypocritical old windbag.

183. I do hope he doesn't take that last part personally.

184. How could he?

185. His Honor, the Commissioner.

186. I'm sure he's come to offer his apologies.

187. I guess the hypocritical old windbag

188. isn't such a bad fellow after all.

189. You can cancel that letter, Thing.

190. Addams, what is the meaning of this?

191. The City sent you a check for this property.

192. Your apology is accepted.

193. My...

194. And here you are, disregarding official notices,

195. obstructing a man in his duties,

196. actually threatening a City employee.

197. Thing, you'd better uncrumple that letter.

198. Sir, your attitude is hardly apt

199. to get our votes at the next election.

200. Having trouble with our saboteur again?

201. Say, you've gained weight.

202. Fester, this is a different man.

203. Aren't you Henson? We're surrounded!

204. Uncle Fester, please, put the gun away.

205. All right, go ahead. Coddle him.

206. See here, you can't fight this.

207. The City is well within its rights.

208. I give you just 24 hours to vacate these

209. premises.

210. Thing, please. Remember your breeding.

211. My dear, don't be too hard on Thing.

212. After all, this is his home, too. He was trying to defend it.

213. You mean to tell me that, that—that thing

214. understood what I was talking about?

215. You certainly made it plain enough.

216. Well, enough of this nonsense.

217. Remember, 24 hours.

218. You cannot stop the wheels of progress.

219. Thank you.

220. Well, if the City wants a fight,

221. they'll find me ready with the old corpus delicti.

222. Good thing I kept my old law library around.

223. Let's see here.

224. A-ha!

225. Property Rights From Magna Carta to the Present.

226. What luck.

227. I'd completely forgotten that I'd converted Property Rights

228. into a humidor.

229. I thought Lurch was filching my cigars.

230. We're off to a fine start.

231. A victory before we've even opened the case.

232. Darling, that reminds me.

233. Mmm.

234. Wear it. It'll be very appropriate.

235. The wig of Lord Chief Justice Sir Anthony Cliveden Addams.

236. No, Lady Abigail Cliveden Addams.

237. Oh.

238. I see you're still sticking pins in the Commissioner.

239. Well, we can't take this thing lying down.

240. Attention, everyone.

241. Ah, darling, you've found something?

242. I have gone through the city ordinances,

243. the Bill of Rights and the 17 volumes of assorted jurisprudence,

244. and I have come to a conclusion.

245. What? We haven't got a leg to stand on.

246. Not even if we bribe the judge?

247. Uncle Fester!

248. The jury? Out of the question.

249. Well, you can't win 'em all.

250. They're blasting tomorrow whether we're in the house or not.

251. Oh, dear, and we're such late sleepers.

252. Hey. Why don't we just move this house to another spot?

253. Uncle Fester, that's a brilliant idea!

254. Old man, you've done it again.

255. I have? I know just the spot.

256. That lot Hornsby has up for sale.

257. That's right next door to the Commissioner's house.

258. My dear, at a time like this we can't afford to be choosy.

259. Oh, it's not that, but that lot doesn't have any caves,

260. and then no quicksand, no swamp.

261. Fester, what's a swamp?

262. A bunch of mud, slime and stench.

263. We'll build our own.

264. Thank you, Thing.

265. Hello, Hornsby? Addams here.

266. How much do you want for that lot?

267. $9,750?

268. Why don't we make it $10,000 even?

269. I hate to write checks for odd amounts.

270. Good, then it's a deal.

271. Well, the property is ours.

272. I'll bet you could have gotten him to take $11,000.

273. It pains me to do the Commissioner such a good turn.

274. The prices in that area will probably skyrocket as soon as word leaks out.

275. Now, darling, there's no sense in bearing grudges.

276. Why don't we call the Commissioner and Mrs. Henson

277. and tell them to come over and hear the good news?

278. Capital idea! The good neighbor policy.

279. Wait here.

280. Arthur, let's get out of here. Shh.

281. Now, please, Phoebe, with victory in sight, don't start rocking the boat.

282. I don't want to rock the boat, I want to get off.

283. Look, they are moving.

284. With any luck, to outer Mongolia.

285. I'd even pay their fare.

286. One way.

287. Oh, welcome.

288. Come on, dear.

289. Good evening, Commissioner Henson. How are you?

290. Mrs. Henson, I presume?

291. Yes. This is Mrs. Addams.

292. How do you do? How do you do?

293. So nice of you to come. Won't you step in, please?

294. And do be seated.

295. I was just telling Arthur.

296. (STAMMERING) Your home, it's so

297. you.

298. Oh, how sweet of you to notice.

299. Darling, do ring for Lurch.

300. Ah, yes!

301. Ah, thank you, Lurch.

302. Tea?

303. Salt, pepper, or cyanide?

304. Neither.

305. Thank you, darling.

306. Ah, but you've never tasted Morticia's tea.

307. She picks the tiny, delicate wolfbane leaves herself.

308. Addams, I must say, you're taking this eviction like a good sport.

309. Well, nobody could say that an Addams stood in the way of progress.

310. Although I must admit Uncle Fester is a bit upset.

311. Yes, you see, there are no caves or swamps

312. on our new property.

313. But we do have plans for building our own.

314. That is, if our neighbors don't object.

315. Any man who would object to having a swamp right next to his home

316. is a petty individual indeed.

317. Glad to hear you say that, Commissioner.

318. We love animals and we're planning a mud wallow

319. for our hippopotamus.

320. Arthur and I just adore animals, too.

321. Neighbor.

322. No, no. I mean, you're not going to move in next to...

323. To us? Right smack.

324. Gomez, darling,

325. when are the men going to start moving the house?

326. Soon as I finish battening down

327. these fine old heirlooms, we're off.

328. My dear, you should wear goggles.

329. This house gets awfully windy when it hits the open road.

330. I think I'll like that.

331. Ah, seatbelts.

332. The only way to ride.

333. Where are the children, dear?

334. They're fine. They're riding on the roof.

335. I do hope they don't get carsick.

336. Is Lurch with them? Oh, no.

337. He likes to ride with his head out the window

338. and growl at the passing cars.

339. Oh, boy. This is gonna be fun, looking out the window.

340. Thing. Where's Thing?

341. Up in the mover's truck.

342. In the mover's truck?

343. In the glove compartment.

344. Dear, sensible Thing.

345. Hang on, everybody.

346. All right.

347. Mush!

348. Hey, this is more fun than the trailer.

349. Oh, I love to see the sights.

350. I wonder what those people are staring at.

351. Well, they probably never saw a stately mansion

352. rounding the corner on two wheels before.

353. They've stopped.

354. Probably picking up some hitchhikers.

355. Well, fancy that.

356. The City Commissioner hitchhiking.

357. Sit down, old man.

358. I'm sorry we have no more seatbelts.

359. I didn't come for any ride.

360. Well, it might do you some good.

361. You look like you've been run through a meat grinder.

362. Oh, worse. I mean,

363. I've been up all night with the City Council and we've...

364. Well, that is, I've finally persuaded them to reroute the new freeway.

365. You don't have to move after all.

366. Oh, that's rather disappointing.

367. I was so looking forward to having you and Mrs. Henson as neighbors.

368. Oh, Mrs. Henson is heartsick.

369. Into each life some rain must fall.

370. Yes.

371. And about that lot you're stuck with.

372. I'm willing to take it off your hands.

373. Isn't he sweet?

374. Salt of the earth.

375. But we couldn't let you do it.

376. We'll find some use for it.

377. We could use it for a launching pad.

378. Little Pugsley makes the coolest rockets.

379. It'd be a wonderful place for me to practice my bagpipes.

380. Dear Mama. She spends half the night

381. tootling away on those things.

382. Too bad she doesn't know how to play 'em.

383. I insist.

384. I'll see that you get back your $10,000.

385. Nonsense.

386. $11,000!

387. Please, you're embarrassing us.

388. $12,000? But really...

389. $15,000. I beg you. $15,000.

390. Well, we'll have to return the favor sometime.

391. Well, I'm not in the habit of accepting charity, Mr. Commissioner,

392. but in your case I'll make an exception.

393. It's yours for $15,000.

394. Oh, thank you. Thank you.

395. You'll have my check first thing in the morning.

396. Now I'll go and tell the movers to turn around.

397. Well, that won't be necessary.

398. Just tell him to throw it into reverse.

399. $5,000 profit. Not a bad day's work, huh?

400. I think we can all learn a valuable lesson from this.

401. You never lose by being a good neighbor.

402. Oh, dear Thing. He's such a homebody.

403. Strange that the City Council should finally send the freeway

404. straight through the mayor's house.

405. Was he upset?

406. No, he said he was happy.

407. Considering what might have happened.

408. "Might have happened"?

409. Oh, he probably means the moving of this classic structure

410. from its natural surroundings.

411. It's a pity.

412. He did seem so eager about that swamp we were going to build.

413. Oh, well. C'est la vie.

414. That's French!

415. Good shot, darling!

416. Must be the mating season.