The Addams Family 1x26

1. Neat.

2. Sweet.

3. Petite.

4. Here, darling.

5. Cleopatra, don't gulp.

6. Morticia.

7. Mmm?

8. Did you see the paper this morning? No, dear.

9. The bottom fell out of the stock market again.

10. They really ought to fix that rickety old place.

11. The bottom's always falling out of it.

12. Oh, it's not the place, it's the stock.

13. And you know, Gomez could lose millions in a good market

14. (GULPS) but, boy, I bet he lost his shirt today.

15. He has plenty of shirts.

16. It's his money I'm worried about.

17. Come now, Blooker, you've been my broker long enough

18. to know that a little market crash doesn't scare me.

19. Why, my Consolidated Funds climbed to 60 yesterday.

20. Unfortunately I'd sold it the day before.

21. Blooker, I just feel like buying a railroad.

22. A little surprise for my wife.

23. We'd better find Gomez and see if everything is all right.

24. (BOX CREAKING) Thing?

25. Would you finish feeding Cleopatra, please, Thing?

26. That's good.

27. Now mind your manners, dear.

28. Blooker, I know fortunes have been lost speculating on railroads,

29. but what's a fortune?

30. But Mr. Addams, the people I'm talking about went broke.

31. Broke?

32. They're absolutely penniless. Wiped out.

33. That's incredible, Blooker, incredible.

34. Broke, you say?

35. Penniless? Wiped out?

36. Ghastly, absolutely ghastly.

37. Uncle Fester, this is shocking.

38. It's worse than I thought.

39. Oh, the poor, poor dear.

40. Poor thing is right.

41. They wiped him out like a greasy skillet.

42. It's hard to believe, Blooker.

43. As a token of my sympathy, write them a check for $100,000.

44. And now get moving on that railroad.

45. Oh, dear.

46. Oh, thank you, Thing.

47. And thank you, Cleopatra.

48. It's so nice to know you have friends at a time like this.

49. Morticia, what are we gonna do for money?

50. I'm too proud to beg and too lazy to work.

51. Never mind, Uncle Fester, I'll think of something.

52. It's Gomez I'm concerned about.

53. The poor dear. He must never know that we know. It'd kill him.

54. If his life insurance is paid up, that could be a solution.

55. Uncle Fester.

56. Hello, Fester! Ah, there you are, my dear.

57. Darling.

58. I'm gonna be busy all day. If you want me for anything,

59. I'll be in the library on my private line to my broker.

60. Pawnbroker? I know a fellow that'll...

61. No, no. Stockbroker.

62. Naturally, Uncle Fester.

63. I'm buying up a little stock. Nothing big.

64. Just a few million here or there.

65. You know, a little pastime.

66. Oh, that poor, brave, darling man.

67. Did you see him?

68. Laughing in the face of disaster.

69. It almost made me cry.

70. Almost? It does make me cry.

71. Buck up, Uncle Fester.

72. I'll call the family together.

73. We'll handle this.

74. Spend another million. Just keep buying.

75. Now, how much stock do I have so far?

76. 100,000 shares so far. Fine.

77. Now, how much do I need to control the company?

78. About 200,000.

79. But, Mr. Addams, what do you want with a broken-down railroad

80. like Big Swamp and Southern?

81. You'll never make any money with it.

82. Make money? I've got money.

83. What I'm looking for is excitement, adventure.

84. Adventure?

85. Now, frankly, Blooker,

86. I'm getting a bit bored with my model trains.

87. I'm just itching to get my hands on a real railroad.

88. Think what a wreck I could have with those babies.

89. Wreck?

90. What else? Oh, we'd keep the people off.

91. All right, now, Blooker. Get moving.

92. And, oh, Blooker?

93. Keep my name out of this.

94. I don't want Wall Street to know what I'm doing.

95. Now, we must think of ways to make money.

96. I know an easy way.

97. Oh? Print it!

98. Uncle Fester, that's illegal.

99. It is?

100. I can get a job as a bunny girl.

101. No. No, I don't like the hours.

102. Besides, that atmosphere.

103. You're much too sweet and innocent.

104. How about a beauty expert?

105. Beauty expert?

106. Yeah, you know, a hairstylist.

107. That's perfect, Mama.

108. Now, remember, we must keep this from Gomez.

109. Just tell him it's a lark.

110. Wednesday and I are gonna pitch in, too.

111. We're gonna open a drink stand on the sidewalk.

112. Marvelous.

113. What are you gonna do, Mother?

114. I think I'll give fencing instruction and tango lessons.

115. I'm gonna start an escort service.

116. Me and Lurch.

117. You know, hire out for dates, like with rich widows, eh, Lurch?

118. I'm sure you'll be an instant success.

119. You're both such fascinating types.

120. Look, Mother!

121. Thing wants to help, too.

122. How sweet. Thank you, Thing.

123. I feel so good being my own boss,

124. I think I'll take the rest of the day off.

125. Mmm.

126. Oh, it's almost perfect.

127. But do you think it could stand

128. a little dash of hemlock juice?

129. That's it. I knew it needed something.

130. Oh, what a lovely sign.

131. We're gonna paste a picture on it, too.

132. Oh, that's a marvelous attention-getter.

133. You children are going to be fine little merchants.

134. Uncle Fester, what are you doing?

135. I'm practicing for my escort service.

136. You see, I figure I'll have all different kinds of women for customers,

137. so I gotta be all different kinds of men for them.

138. Oh? Well, you know,

139. if they like Cary Grant, I'll be Cary Grant.

140. (IN BAD COCKNEY ACCENT) Hello, duck, what are you doing today?

141. And if they like their Frank Sinatra, why, I'll be Frank Sinatra.

142. Uncle Fester, I think that's a mistake.

143. Yeah, I think I better get another song.

144. No, no. What woman could possibly ask

145. for more than Uncle Fester himself?

146. Yeah. Well, you got me there.

147. Well, well, what's going on?

148. I haven't seen so much activity

149. since the night I hid the hornets

150. in Aunt Phobia's sleeping bag.

151. Darling, this is something I'm doing for the children.

152. I think every child should know the value of money.

153. By george, you're right.

154. Attention, children.

155. Five pennies make a nickel,

156. two nickels make a dime,

157. 10 dimes make a dollar. You got that?

158. Yes, Father. Yes, Father.

159. Good. Now you know the value of money.

160. We're running a little low on cigars.

161. You rang?

162. Lurch, you better pick me up another 1,000 cigars. The dollar size.

163. Thank you.

164. Well, back to the stock market.

165. Have fun, everyone!

166. Oh, that sweet, darling man.

167. He's trying so hard not to let us know.

168. $1,000 worth of cigars.

169. I'm not sure we can afford him.

170. Oh, look, Gladys, this must be one of those gigolo places.

171. $50 an hour?

172. Oh, they must be absolutely dreamy.

173. See for yourselves, girls.

174. What's the matter with them?

175. Flighty.

176. Well, how's business, kids?

177. Pretty slow, sir.

178. Gee, with a cute sign like that, you should be doing great.

179. "Henbane on the rocks."

180. Boy, those trade names get wackier everyday.

181. Let me have a tall one, son.

182. Yes, sir.

183. Well, always like to help out the small businessman.

184. Cheers! Cheers.

185. Would you like some more?

186. I'd like some help.

187. I'm gonna tell my lawyer about this.

188. See? Satisfied customers always tell their friends.

189. Oh, my...

190. Why, I've tasted better glue than this.

191. Maybe we ought to sell glue on the rocks.

192. I bet Mother's making lots of money, though.

193. En garde.

194. And parry, thrust.

195. Parry, thrust.

196. How're you doing, Morticia?

197. Are you teaching him anything?

198. Oh, Mama, I'm so disappointed.

199. I haven't had a pupil all day long.

200. Well, I'm pretty disgusted, too.

201. I went to every beauty shop in town.

202. Nothing.

203. I'm very surprised.

204. Your talent is so obvious.

205. Honey, it isn't what you know, it's who you know.

206. That's true.

207. Good man, Blooker, keep spending.

208. My dear family, I'm afraid we didn't make very much today,

209. but Thing sold a pencil.

210. Thank you, dear Thing.

211. Just a nickel? We made a quarter.

212. Oh, that's wonderful, dear.

213. But the man's going to sue us.

214. Oh?

215. Morticia?

216. I guess I was high man for the day.

217. I made a dollar.

218. Oh, Uncle Fester, that's wonderful.

219. Your escort service must be catching on.

220. Well, not exactly. A lady gave it to me

221. when I popped up from behind my sign.

222. Said it cured her hiccups.

223. Oh.

224. Nothing like a fiery tango right after breakfast

225. to stir up the old hormones.

226. Yes, it is exhilarating.

227. Well, mind if I cut in?

228. Please do.

229. This reminds me of the junior prom.

230. My date looked just like Gomez.

231. Well, can't dance the day away.

232. Oh, you got a job?

233. Fester, don't be crude.

234. Sorry, slip of the tongue.

235. Darling, you do have some financial plans, don't you?

236. Nothing important, mind you. Just a little amusement.

237. Gomez, do you have something to tell me?

238. After all, I am your wife.

239. No need to remind me of that, cara mia.

240. Morticia thought you'd like to talk about money.

241. Money? Why should I bother her pretty head with a thing like that?

242. You're not well, Fester.

243. Mail's in.

244. I'll get it, my dear.

245. Ah, thank you, Thing.

246. Oh, the circular I sent for from the yacht company.

247. Thought I'd buy a yacht and take us all on a world cruise.

248. A cruise?

249. At a time like this?

250. I think we could use a change of scenery.

251. The Dead Sea, perhaps. Some fun place.

252. 10:00! Market's open. See you later.

253. That settles it.

254. I'm going to sell everything we own.

255. I must get money for Gomez.

256. You mean auction him off, huh?

257. Oh, you mean get money to give Gomez?

258. Yes, dear.

259. Now, you come upstairs with me

260. and help me get out the family jewels and treasures.

261. Are you ready?

262. Ready.

263. Uncle Fester, I do think

264. we ought to have gotten the combination from Gomez.

265. Oh, it wasn't locked.

266. I just like to keep in practice on my safe-blowing.

267. You do have a delicate touch.

268. Oh, dear, I dread to think of selling

269. our family heirlooms and treasures.

270. Cousin Crimp's glass eye.

271. Those were the days when men were men.

272. Uncle Fester, look.

273. Pugsley's baby spoon.

274. He always did have a strong bite.

275. And not a bad bark, either.

276. What's that?

277. Oh, I'd forgotten all about that.

278. It was a gift for my 12th birthday from Grandpa Droop.

279. Stock certificates.

280. "100 shares, Big Swamp and Southern Railway."

281. I read something about that in the paper today.

282. What did I do with today's paper?

283. Yeah, sure, there it is.

284. "Wall Street is intrigued by a mystery financier

285. "who is buying stock in the Big Swamp and Southern Railway."

286. Uncle Fester, do you think maybe he'd buy this?

287. Why don't we call a broker and find out?

288. What's the name of that outfit that Gomez deals with?

289. Blaker, Blacker, Blooker...

290. Blooker and Company.

291. Oh, but I don't want to embarrass Gomez

292. by telling some stranger that we need money.

293. Well, why don't you give him a phony name?

294. Phony name. Jones?

295. What kind of a name is that?

296. Smith?

297. Much better.

298. What do you mean you can't find any more stock, Blooker?

299. I need only another 100 shares

300. to control the whole railroad.

301. Mr. Addams, there isn't a single share for sale.

302. I've got men looking all over the country.

303. Well, have them look in the city, too.

304. Just a minute.

305. Hello? Who?

306. Mrs. Smith?

307. What?

308. We certainly are interested in buying your stock.

309. I can pay you $10,000?

310. Well, that's awfully nice of you.

311. He's offering $10,000.

312. Then ask for $20,000.

313. I'd like $20,000.

314. He'll pay $20,000.

315. Good, make it $30,000.

316. I'm sorry, but...

317. $30,000?

318. Crook!

319. Hello?

320. Uncle Fester!

321. That always makes them a little more anxious.

322. Mrs. Smith? Mrs. Smith? Oh, no.

323. Yes, Blooker.

324. I found the 100 shares of stock for you.

325. Good man, I knew you'd do it!

326. But I lost it again.

327. Lost it? That's mighty careless, Blooker.

328. Put an ad in the lost and found.

329. Uncle Fester, I'm worried.

330. Big business. Better play it cool.

331. But hanging up on him.

332. Yeah, maybe that was a little too cool.

333. I think I'd better ask Gomez's advice.

334. Oh, you can't tell him what we're doing.

335. Uncle Fester, you're not the only one

336. in this family who can be cool.

337. But, Blooker, what if she doesn't call you back, what then?

338. No problem, I'll kill myself.

339. Good thinking.

340. Blooker, if you do get that stock for me,

341. I'll buy you the biggest, thickest,

342. juiciest camel-hump steak in town.

343. What do you have to say to that?

344. I'll kill myself.

345. Got a one-track mind, Blooker. I like that.

346. Entrez! Entrez!

347. Oh, Tish! Even when I speak French, it drives me wild.

348. Darling, I want to ask your advice.

349. You know, I'm trying to teach Pugsley a little bit about business.

350. Oh, a chip off the old block, that lad.

351. Well, he's decided to sell his flea collection

352. and a boy at school has offered him 30...

353. $30 for it.

354. Well, there's a simple rule, my dear.

355. Never accept the first nine offers.

356. When they come up with number 10, grab it.

357. Take the 10th offer.

358. It's known as Addams' Law.

359. Or "How to slit your competitor's throat

360. "without getting blood on his necktie."

361. What a colorful phrase.

362. It isn't for nothing they call me The Plunger.

363. The men on Wall Street?

364. The men in the plumbers' union.

365. But, Mr. Addams, I've got my secretary

366. calling every Smith in the book.

367. Just a minute.

368. Hello? Mrs. Smith.

369. It's Mrs. Smith, she called back.

370. Good, don't let her get away.

371. Offer her $50,000.

372. Right.

373. Mrs. Smith, I can offer you $50,000.

374. $50,000?

375. Buzzardfeed.

376. I'm sorry, I'm afraid that's only your fourth offer.

377. Please continue.

378. She wants more!

379. Make it $60,000.

380. How about $60,000?

381. Well... $70,000!

382. Who is that?

383. Well... I'm another customer, that's who is that.

384. I wanna buy her stock myself, I'll go $80,000!

385. She's got another buyer.

386. Great shades of Hades, run him out!

387. Bid his head off!

388. How about $100,000?

389. Isn't that sweet?

390. Thing wants to get in on the bidding, too.

391. $200,000?

392. I'm sorry, Mr. Blooker, I have a third bidder at $200,000.

393. Wait a minute.

394. Now, look, I wanted to bid $300,000.

395. $350,000!

396. $400,000, Mr. Blooker.

397. $500? $500,000.

398. $600,000! Let's see you top that, nimble knuckles!

399. He can't go any higher.

400. That's all the fingers he's got.

401. Oh, poor Thing.

402. Hell, I've gotta have that railroad, Blooker.

403. I just wrecked my last locomotive.

404. Just a minute, Blooker.

405. What is it, Thing?

406. You think I can get the railroad for that?

407. Thank you, Thing.

408. I'll make one more offer, Blooker, $1 million.

409. I'll try.

410. Mrs. Smith?

411. Mrs. Smith? This is my last and final offer.

412. $1 million.

413. It's his 10th offer.

414. How much? What difference does it make?

415. Sold, for $1 million.

416. I can hardly wait to get my hands on that railroad.

417. Nice going, Blooker.

418. To show you my appreciation,

419. I'm gonna send you a couple of freight cars.

420. Gomez, darling, guess what I made today?

421. That fabulous bat broth of yours?

422. No, $1 million.

423. Oh. Well, I have some real news for you.

424. I just bought a railroad.

425. Oh, darling, that's wonderful, but...

426. A railroad?

427. Big Swamp and Southern.

428. When I blow those tracks, it'll be the wreck of the century.

429. He bought a railroad.

430. The Big Swamp...

431. He bought it.

432. Addams here. Hello, Blooker.

433. You heard what?

434. The Big Swamp and Southern sank into the big swamp?

435. Clear out of sight, eh?

436. Thanks for calling me.

437. Oh, well, easy come, easy go.

438. Oh, I do hope this shawl isn't too short for Cousin Crimp.

439. It looks perfect.

440. And so does this.

441. What's that, dear?

442. I bought your stock, querida, I intend to pay for it.

443. Oh, nonsense.

444. Even though you're still wealthy, I refuse to accept it.

445. It's a matter of honor, querida.

446. There you are, a check for $1 million.

447. First National Bank of Siberia?

448. Nice bunch. Always pay in cold cash.

449. Are you sure?

450. Come to think of it,

451. we Addamses haven't done any business with them since 1917.

452. Things may have changed since then.

453. Forget that check, I'll write another.

454. Second National Bank of Peking.

455. How could I have ever doubted your financial genius?

456. Querida, we all make mistakes.

457. Darling, let's celebrate.

458. Wine, Thing.

459. Thank you, Thing.

460. How convenient. Instant wine.

461. Cara. Darling.