1. Neat.
Copy !req
2. Sweet.
Copy !req
3. Petite.
Copy !req
4. All right, sailor,
Copy !req
5. pass the powder
and grape shot
Copy !req
6. and we'll rake her
fore and aft!
Copy !req
7. No.
Copy !req
8. Hey, you mutinous dog.
Copy !req
9. I'll have you quartered.
Copy !req
10. Flogged and keelhauled.
Copy !req
11. On the double!
Copy !req
12. No.
Copy !req
13. Oh, come on, Fester,
be a good sport.
Copy !req
14. I'm tired of being
Benedict Arnold
Copy !req
15. and Jesse James
and John Wilkes Booth.
Copy !req
16. I'm tired of
being a good sport.
Copy !req
17. All right.
If you want to be childish.
Copy !req
18. Ahoy, my beloved.
Copy !req
19. Time for another great moment
in Addams history.
Copy !req
20. Will it take long, darling?
Copy !req
21. I want to have these traps
ready by tonight.
Copy !req
22. Only a moment, cherie.
Copy !req
23. But what a moment!
Copy !req
24. It was seven bells
on that fateful night
in the North Atlantic.
Copy !req
25. A fierce sou'wester was
howling through the rigging,
Copy !req
26. as Admiral John Paul Addams
drove his stout little frigate
Copy !req
27. straight into the heart
of the German flotilla.
Copy !req
28. Foaming up at his stern
at flank speed
Copy !req
29. was Admiral Tojo
and the imperial fleet.
Copy !req
30. Oh, Gomez,
I never tire of this one.
Copy !req
31. It was then Admiral Addams
fired that shot
heard round the world
Copy !req
32. after uttering
those inspired words,
Copy !req
33. "If you need me,
I'll be in my cabin."
Copy !req
34. Man the pumps,
scuttle the bilge,
abandon ship.
Copy !req
35. And get a wrench.
Copy !req
36. You've wrecked
the plumbing again.
Copy !req
37. I do it every time.
Copy !req
38. You can take your finger
out of the pipe, Fester.
Copy !req
39. I shut it off at the main.
Copy !req
40. It could've
happened to anybody.
Copy !req
41. Not to an Addams.
Copy !req
42. That's four times in a row.
Copy !req
43. From now on the children
mix the gunpowder.
Copy !req
44. Pretty soon I'll be
nobody around here.
Copy !req
45. I'm going up to my closet.
Copy !req
46. What's bothering him?
Copy !req
47. Perhaps I was
too sharp with him.
Copy !req
48. Oh, darling,
he'll get over it.
Copy !req
49. Uncle Fester just
isn't too practical.
Copy !req
50. I may as well go upstairs
and call the plumber.
Copy !req
51. Darling,
who's being impractical now?
Copy !req
52. Why don't I call
that nice Mr. Beesley,
our insurance man,
Copy !req
53. and let him take
care of everything?
Copy !req
54. I don't think
we better bother him again.
Copy !req
55. Bother him?
Copy !req
56. Darling, you know
how excited he gets
every time we call.
Copy !req
57. I'm sure he'd be
terribly hurt if we didn't
get in touch with him.
Copy !req
58. Come along.
Copy !req
59. One more telephone call
from Addams
Copy !req
60. and I am going to
kill you, Beesley.
Copy !req
61. Three big claims
paid on this policy
in one year.
Copy !req
62. So just one more
policy like that
Copy !req
63. and Excelso-Fidelity Insurance
will pull our franchise.
Copy !req
64. Arthur J. Henson,
President, speaking.
Copy !req
65. Hello, Mr. President.
This is Mrs. Addams.
Copy !req
66. A very unusual thing
just happened in our playroom.
Copy !req
67. Admiral Addams...
Copy !req
68. Well, actually
it was Uncle Fester.
Copy !req
69. You see, they hanged
Admiral Addams 200 years ago.
Copy !req
70. Well, he accidentally
got just a pinch
Copy !req
71. too much sulfur
in the gunpowder,
Copy !req
72. so that
when he fired the cannon,
it hit a water pipe.
Copy !req
73. A broken water pipe? My...
Copy !req
74. I will not pay another...
Copy !req
75. I've only...
Copy !req
76. He's charming,
but he seems rather confused.
Copy !req
77. If you'll permit me, my dear.
Yes, darling.
Copy !req
78. Do you understand?
Not one more claim.
Thank you.
Copy !req
79. This is Gomez Addams.
Copy !req
80. What seems to be your problem?
Copy !req
81. Now get this through
your thick head, Addams.
Copy !req
82. We're not paying you
one more cent
and that is final!
Copy !req
83. Come, come, Henson.
Copy !req
84. You don't really expect me
to jump at your first offer?
Copy !req
85. Oh, you want a better offer?
Copy !req
86. Well, go jump in the lake.
Copy !req
87. The fourth claim
cancels out the policy.
Copy !req
88. Hey, hang on a minute.
What are you saying?
Copy !req
89. Here, in the small print.
Copy !req
90. If we pay off
on the tiny claim,
Copy !req
91. we're through with him
and we're out cheap.
Copy !req
92. Hello, Mr. Addams.
Copy !req
93. We'll play along
with you on this.
Copy !req
94. Your check will be
in the next mail.
Copy !req
95. Well, that was a letdown.
Copy !req
96. I merely stated my position
with impeccable logic
Copy !req
97. and the poor devil caved in.
Copy !req
98. Darling, you tend
to underestimate yourself.
Copy !req
99. I suppose so.
Copy !req
100. I've often wondered
what would happen
Copy !req
101. if I turned myself
loose on the world.
Copy !req
102. Gomez, the world just isn't
ready for you yet.
Copy !req
103. Cara.
Copy !req
104. Did my new cannon
get here yet?
Copy !req
105. Darling, we're going
to have to tell him.
Copy !req
106. Uncle Fester,
I regret to tell you
Copy !req
107. that we're going to
have to punish you.
Copy !req
108. You've been spending
altogether too much money.
Copy !req
109. Fester,
you won't see another penny
of your allowance until 1986.
Copy !req
110. You know what that means,
don't you?
Copy !req
111. No.
Copy !req
112. Not another shot
do you fire in this house
until you make it up.
Copy !req
113. You've been whittling me down
around here little by little.
Copy !req
114. But this broke
the camel's back!
Copy !req
115. It's for your own good.
Copy !req
116. I'm old enough to know
what's for my own good.
Copy !req
117. From now on I'm gonna
watch out for myself.
Copy !req
118. I'll get a job.
Copy !req
119. "Wanted. Army Space Program.
10,000 hours flight time.
Copy !req
120. "Test pilot prepared
to travel extensively."
Copy !req
121. No. I don't like army food.
Copy !req
122. "Be your own boss.
Are you young and ambitious?
Copy !req
123. "Highest commission paid
to dynamic salesmen.
Copy !req
124. "Must be clean-cut,
personable, fast-talker,
Copy !req
125. "conservative dresser,
magnetic.
Copy !req
126. "Apply. Arthur J. Henson
Insurance Agency."
Copy !req
127. Oh, boy. That's me!
Copy !req
128. Are you sure
you want to see Mr. Beesley?
Copy !req
129. Oh, yes. He's looking for me.
Copy !req
130. Well, go on in.
Copy !req
131. Thank you.
Copy !req
132. You can fill out your
hospitalization claim
with my secretary.
Copy !req
133. Oh, but I feel fine.
Copy !req
134. And dynamic and aggressive.
Copy !req
135. I'm your new salesman.
Copy !req
136. No, there's some mistake.
Copy !req
137. No, those things
you said in your ad,
that's me.
Copy !req
138. No, no. You have to have
previous experience.
Copy !req
139. Oh, I've had plenty
of previous experience.
Copy !req
140. I held the same job
for 37 years.
Copy !req
141. Selling?
Copy !req
142. No. Public relations. Yeah.
Copy !req
143. My father paid me
to keep out of public.
Copy !req
144. Of course,
when he died I retired.
Copy !req
145. Look,
I'm on a very tight schedule.
Copy !req
146. If you'll just leave.
Copy !req
147. Oh, but I'm a great salesman.
Copy !req
148. I'm magnetic. Watch.
Copy !req
149. And I'm a live wire, too.
Copy !req
150. Go ahead.
Sell anything you like.
Copy !req
151. Oh, good.
Can I have a sales kit?
Copy !req
152. Take it.
Copy !req
153. Get out of my sight.
Copy !req
154. Oh, just like dear old Dad.
Copy !req
155. Good shot, querida.
Copy !req
156. That's the third bird
we've lost today.
Copy !req
157. Must be the nesting season,
my dove.
Copy !req
158. Uncle Fester. What's wrong?
Copy !req
159. I tried.
Copy !req
160. I knocked on every door
in my territory.
Copy !req
161. I was dynamic.
Copy !req
162. I was personable,
charming, and magnetic.
Copy !req
163. But it wasn't any use.
Copy !req
164. Oh, my career is ruined.
I'm all washed-up.
Copy !req
165. I have a feeling
all's not well with Fester.
Copy !req
166. It's hard to tell.
Copy !req
167. He puts up
such a brave front.
Copy !req
168. Oh, yes.
Copy !req
169. Oh, Uncle Fester, dear.
Copy !req
170. How can you expect
to lose a headache
Copy !req
171. with a hot water bottle
that isn't even hot?
Copy !req
172. Nothing will help.
Copy !req
173. Oh, Lurch.
Put it over there, please.
Copy !req
174. And Lurch,
would you fill this up?
Copy !req
175. And make sure
the water is nice
and scalding.
Copy !req
176. That'll be all, Lurch.
Copy !req
177. Now, Uncle Fester. Sit up.
Copy !req
178. You'll feel a lot better
after a nice hot cup of
buzzard broth.
Copy !req
179. No, I couldn't even
get a sip down.
Copy !req
180. But I have
a surprise for you for lunch.
Copy !req
181. Guess.
Copy !req
182. Gopherloaf.
Copy !req
183. Oh, I know
what you're trying to do.
Copy !req
184. But it's no use.
Copy !req
185. Just leave me in my pain.
Copy !req
186. Gomez, I'm frightened.
Copy !req
187. Even when he got caught
in the tunnel of love
Copy !req
188. he didn't turn down
his gopherloaf.
Copy !req
189. I know.
Copy !req
190. He thinks he's a failure.
Copy !req
191. Something has to be
done about it.
Copy !req
192. Tish, go downstairs
and keep the children away.
Copy !req
193. All right,
you lily-livered goldbrick!
Copy !req
194. Are you going to lie there
sniveling on that nice
warm bed of nails?
Copy !req
195. Or are you going to get up
and fight like an Addams?
Copy !req
196. Well, if it's all
the same with you,
Copy !req
197. I'd rather lie here
and snivel.
Copy !req
198. When a pilot crashes
what does he do?
Copy !req
199. He gets right back
into that crate
Copy !req
200. and up into
the wild blue yonder again.
Copy !req
201. And when a lion tamer
gets ripped up,
does he snivel?
Copy !req
202. Does he quit?
Copy !req
203. Not always.
Copy !req
204. And that's what
you're going to do, Fester.
Copy !req
205. You're going to
get up off that bed.
Copy !req
206. On your feet.
Copy !req
207. Now sell your policy.
Copy !req
208. Oh, golly, Gomez.
Copy !req
209. Fester, the Addams spirit!
Copy !req
210. Good afternoon, sir.
Copy !req
211. Or madam, as the case may be.
Copy !req
212. I am your friendly, smiling
Copy !req
213. insurance advisor,
come to help you
with your problem.
Copy !req
214. Well, go on, Fester.
The rest of it.
Copy !req
215. This is as far as I ever got.
Copy !req
216. I find that hard to believe.
Copy !req
217. Your presentation
was sharp, pithy,
to the point.
Copy !req
218. I've got it.
I'll be the salesman
and you be the customer.
Copy !req
219. Now, we'll make this
as real as possible.
Copy !req
220. And you give me
all the answers
that you get.
Copy !req
221. And I'll show you
how to handle them.
Copy !req
222. All right?
Copy !req
223. Now,
Copy !req
224. here we go.
Copy !req
225. Good morning, sir.
I'll buy it.
Copy !req
226. I simply can't
resist a sales pitch.
Copy !req
227. You have got to give me
the answers that you get.
Copy !req
228. All right, now.
Copy !req
229. We'll start
from the beginning.
All right?
Copy !req
230. I'll even go outside.
Copy !req
231. There's nobody home.
Copy !req
232. Good morning, sir.
Get lost!
Copy !req
233. I'm your friendly,
smiling insurance man.
Copy !req
234. Beat it or I'll put
the dog on you.
Copy !req
235. I think I've got
my sights on your problem.
Copy !req
236. If something happened to you,
Copy !req
237. what would become
of your loved ones?
Copy !req
238. Those creeps?
Copy !req
239. Now, Plan A gives you
the maximum coverage
with the minimum expense.
Copy !req
240. Will you stop bothering me?
Copy !req
241. It contains total disability,
Copy !req
242. hospitalization,
funeral expenses,
Copy !req
243. multiple casualties,
plus a tax deduction
and an easy payment plan.
Copy !req
244. By george, Fester,
that's an attractive policy.
Copy !req
245. I think I'll take it myself.
Copy !req
246. There we are.
Congratulations, old boy.
You broke the ice.
Copy !req
247. You've just made
a million-dollar sale,
Copy !req
248. plus a lovely
sales commission.
Copy !req
249. I did?
Copy !req
250. Yep. There it is.
Copy !req
251. Signed, sealed and delivered.
Copy !req
252. I told you I'd be a success.
Copy !req
253. A million-dollar
policy to Gomez Addams.
Copy !req
254. He was a pushover.
Copy !req
255. You imbecile.
Copy !req
256. Don't panic.
Copy !req
257. I've never seen a policy yet
that Arthur J. Henson
couldn't wiggle out of.
Copy !req
258. In the first place,
that contract is worthless
Copy !req
259. until it has been
notarized in the presence
of two witnesses.
Copy !req
260. Like it said
in the sales kit,
Copy !req
261. that's the first thing
I had done.
Copy !req
262. Look on
the bright side, Arthur.
Copy !req
263. It's a whopping premium.
Copy !req
264. Premium. Premium.
Copy !req
265. That's it!
Don't accept the check.
Copy !req
266. Tear it up, burn it.
Copy !req
267. Paid in full. Cash.
Copy !req
268. Solid gold doubloons.
Copy !req
269. Well, if everything's
under control,
I'll get cracking again.
Copy !req
270. Out! Out! Out!
Copy !req
271. Gotcha, AJ.
Copy !req
272. There now, Lurch.
Copy !req
273. You see
what a bit of poison ivy
can do for a cannon?
Copy !req
274. Very cheerful.
Copy !req
275. As long as Uncle Fester
paid for it himself,
Copy !req
276. I'd like to make it
look as nice as possible.
Copy !req
277. Lurch. Attendez.
Copy !req
278. Uh, I've come to save you
some money, Mr. Addams.
Copy !req
279. No. I'm the butler.
Copy !req
280. Follow me.
Copy !req
281. I'm— I'm Arthur J. Henson,
Copy !req
282. President of
the Arthur J. Henson Agency.
Copy !req
283. Ah, dear lady.
You must be Mrs. Addams.
Copy !req
284. Yes.
Copy !req
285. I'm Arthur J. Henson.
This is Beesley.
Copy !req
286. Charmed. Won't you be seated?
Copy !req
287. Oh, thank you.
Copy !req
288. She seems okay.
You can stop worrying.
Copy !req
289. Uh, Mrs. Addams,
we'd like to talk
to your husband.
Copy !req
290. Oh, I'm sorry,
he's out jumping.
Copy !req
291. If you'd care to wait?
Copy !req
292. Jumping?
Yes.
Copy !req
293. From about 20,000 feet.
Copy !req
294. But he still
has his parachute.
Copy !req
295. Still?
Copy !req
296. Yes. You see,
he has this theory.
Copy !req
297. I'm not quite sure
that I understand it.
Copy !req
298. But he hopes to prove
that if a jumper jumps
Copy !req
299. using a smaller chute
each time,
Copy !req
300. eventually he'll need
no chute at all.
Copy !req
301. Well, how far along is he?
Copy !req
302. He said he'd have it
figured out one way or another
by the end of this week.
Copy !req
303. Can I start worrying now?
Copy !req
304. Worry. Worry.
Copy !req
305. Just a pinch more sulfur,
children.
Copy !req
306. High explosives
are a tradition
in the Addams family.
Copy !req
307. But only here in the house,
of course.
Copy !req
308. My husband frets so
about the children.
Copy !req
309. Wouldn't dream of
taking them on safari.
Copy !req
310. Safari? Africa?
Lions, tigers, crocodiles?
Copy !req
311. Oh, nothing so adventurous.
Copy !req
312. He just takes them to India
Copy !req
313. and they poke around
looking for cobras.
Copy !req
314. You rang?
Copy !req
315. Teatime, Lurch.
Copy !req
316. You gentleman
will stay, of course?
Copy !req
317. We have something
extra special today.
Copy !req
318. Scorpion pate
on fresh toadstools
Copy !req
319. with just gobs of
divine belladonna sauce.
Copy !req
320. Mama's secret mix.
Copy !req
321. Surely you're not going to
serve that to our client,
Copy !req
322. I—I mean, your husband?
Copy !req
323. Oh, I suppose I do baby him.
Copy !req
324. Oh-oh! I'm back.
Copy !req
325. How did it go, dear?
Copy !req
326. Oh, marvelously.
Copy !req
327. All except the last two feet,
and they were impossible.
Copy !req
328. Dear, this is Mr. Henson
and Mr. Beesley from
the insurance company.
Copy !req
329. How do you do?
Copy !req
330. Good to see you, old boy.
Copy !req
331. Yes.
Copy !req
332. Mr. Addams, I'm going to
let you off the hook.
Copy !req
333. Out of the kindness
of my heart
Copy !req
334. I am willing to
cancel your policy.
Copy !req
335. Refund his premium.
Copy !req
336. Dear, I thought
we'd seen the last of
those dust collectors.
Copy !req
337. Wait a minute.
Copy !req
338. Did you say cancel the policy?
Copy !req
339. But why?
Copy !req
340. Well, because the policy
doesn't make sense.
Copy !req
341. Things like this.
Copy !req
342. "Double indemnity for flogging
by carnivorous plant.
Copy !req
343. "Gunpowder burns.
Copy !req
344. "Being bitten
by an enraged rug."
Copy !req
345. Good old Fester.
He gave me complete coverage.
Copy !req
346. Yes, darling.
Copy !req
347. It's very sweet
of you gentlemen
Copy !req
348. to be worried
about us, but...
Copy !req
349. Would you excuse us a moment?
Copy !req
350. Darling.
Copy !req
351. Darling, you simply can't
cancel that policy.
Copy !req
352. Think of Uncle Fester.
He'd be crushed.
Copy !req
353. You're right, querida.
Copy !req
354. Henson, I've changed my mind.
Copy !req
355. I want to double that policy.
Copy !req
356. No! No! No!
Copy !req
357. In the first place,
the addlepated nitwit
Copy !req
358. who sold you the policy
doesn't even represent us.
Copy !req
359. Frankly, I don't know
how you could have been
Copy !req
360. taken in by such
a moronic goofball.
Copy !req
361. Well, here I am.
Copy !req
362. Hello, HB. AJ. MA. GA.
Copy !req
363. Hello, Uncle Fester.
Copy !req
364. Uncle Fester?
Copy !req
365. Splendid news.
Copy !req
366. You've just sold
another million-dollar policy.
Copy !req
367. I did?
Copy !req
368. By golly, you were right.
Copy !req
369. I didn't need that
sales kit after all.
Copy !req
370. Well, I'm gonna
go up to my room.
Copy !req
371. Got to unwind.
Copy !req
372. Go, go, go!
Copy !req
373. Perfect, children!
Copy !req
374. Well, I'm not gonna
take this lying down.
Copy !req
375. Excelso? Henson.
Copy !req
376. Put me on the hot line.
This is a red alert.
Copy !req
377. Hello, Chief?
Copy !req
378. I want to report
a big swindle.
Copy !req
379. Two million dollars.
Copy !req
380. Addams, Gomez.
Copy !req
381. That's right. Two D's.
How—How did you know?
Copy !req
382. He is?
Copy !req
383. He does?
Copy !req
384. We do?
Copy !req
385. You are?
Copy !req
386. I am?
Copy !req
387. I see.
Copy !req
388. Addams here.
Copy !req
389. I do?
Copy !req
390. I am?
Copy !req
391. I can?
Copy !req
392. I will.
Copy !req
393. It completely slipped my mind
Copy !req
394. that I own
controlling interests
in Excelso Corporation.
Copy !req
395. The president,
what's his name,
Copy !req
396. just urged me to take
a more active interest
and make a few decisions.
Copy !req
397. Darling, why don't you?
Copy !req
398. Very well.
Copy !req
399. Beesley,
I like the cut of your jib.
Copy !req
400. You recognized
Uncle Fester's ability,
Copy !req
401. and that means
something to me.
Copy !req
402. From now on
you're my number one boy.
Copy !req
403. Henson,
you'll render all possible
assistance to your new boss.
Copy !req
404. Thank you, Lurch.
Copy !req
405. Tea, gentlemen?
Copy !req
406. I'm afraid not, Mrs. Addams.
Copy !req
407. It's been delightful.
Copy !req
408. Come on, Henson.
Get cracking.
Copy !req
409. Darling, I think you made
the right decision.
Copy !req
410. The best since I put Winthrop
in charge of Addams Motors.
Copy !req
411. Remember?
He took a failing company
Copy !req
412. and in three months
ran it into bankruptcy.
Copy !req
413. Dear, you could have
done it in one month.
Copy !req
414. Querida.
Copy !req
415. Querido.
Copy !req
416. Oh, Fester.
Copy !req
417. How would you like
to be vice-president
Copy !req
418. or chairman of
the board or something?
Copy !req
419. Ah, there's no
challenge anymore.
Copy !req
420. I'm just gonna retire
and play with my cannon.
Copy !req
421. Watch this.
Copy !req
422. Oh, dear, quick.
Call the insurance man.
Copy !req
423. Oh, no. I'm through paying
these ridiculous claims.
Copy !req
424. Fester, you're paying
for this one yourself.
Copy !req
425. Gladly. I have
a brand new personal policy.
Copy !req
426. Oh? On what company?
Copy !req
427. Yours.
Copy !req
428. Foiled again.
Copy !req