The Addams Family 1x20

Directed by Sidney Lanfield

Felix Silla as Cousin Itt • Alan Reed as Park Commissioner Fiske • Bill Baldwin as Announcer • Anthony Magro as Cousin Itt (voice)

Parks Commissioner Fiske visits the Addams house seeking contributions for expansion of the city zoo. Gomez believes visiting Cousin Itt - all hairy and gibbering four feet tall of him - would be perfect as the zoo's new curator. He has the two meet, but Commissioner Fisk misunderstands the intent and mistakes Itt for a new exotic animal attraction whom he has hauled away in chains when the others aren't looking. When the family finds out what's happened, Uncle Fester is ready to administer retribution the Addams way - with a bullet from behind.

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Subtitle languages: English • Spanish • Brazilian Portuguese

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1. Neat.

2. Sweet.

3. Petite.

4. You dance divinely, darling.

5. Only with you, cara mia.

6. Mail's in.

7. I didn't hear anything.

8. Probably a special delivery. I'll get it, Lurch.

9. Thank you, Thing.

10. Oh, and Thing, that was very nice castanetting.

11. You're welcome.

12. Is it a bill? No, dear.

13. Oh, well.

14. It's from Cousin Itt.

15. Itt? What's he say?

16. "Arriving Tuesday. Itt."

17. Ah, some people have a talent for letter writing.

18. Dear Cousin Itt.

19. He does turn a colorful phrase.

20. Morticia, today is Tuesday.

21. Cousin Itt? I doubt it.

22. Itt likes to climb through the window.

23. That could be Park Commissioner Fiske.

24. Coming here? At 7:30.

25. 6:20.

26. 8:40.

27. That would make it exactly 7:30.

28. He's right on time.

29. Commissioner Fiske.

30. Well, this is an honor, sir.

31. My dear, our esteemed Park Commissioner.

32. Commissioner, my esteemed wife.

33. How do you do?

34. How do you do?

35. My husband always speaks so highly of you.

36. Well, I...

37. W-W-W-What's that?

38. That's our Uncle Fester.

39. He always takes a light with him

40. when he explores the tunnels under the house.

41. That new one Pugsley dug is just great for banding bats.

42. I got 20 of the little furry things already.

43. Good work, Fester.

44. Uncle Fester, this is Park Commissioner Fiske.

45. I'm glad to know you, Mr...

46. Park Commissioner?

47. When are you gonna get rid of those awful robins and larks

48. that you have in your parks?

49. They just keep chirping and warbling.

50. Oh.

51. They do make ghastly sounds.

52. We can solve that problem, Commissioner.

53. Uncle Fester could lend you his pet hawks.

54. Clean up the park in one day.

55. Pet hawks?

56. Commissioner, what can we do for you?

57. Well, uh, as you know, the city is busily expanding its zoo.

58. Zoos. Such homey places.

59. Uh, yes.

60. Naturally, we depend on public-spirited citizens

61. for financial support.

62. Say no more, Commissioner.

63. To whom shall I make it out, Commissioner?

64. Hmm. Oh, t-t-t-t-the check.

65. Make it to the City Zoo.

66. You really ought to slow down a bit, Commissioner.

67. You've just started on the job and already you've got the shakes.

68. Here you are, sir.

69. $150,000 and 20 cents.

70. 20 cents?

71. I threw in your car fare.

72. Oh, thank you. Thank you, Uncle Fester.

73. Thank you, Mrs. Addams.

74. Thank you, Mr. Addams.

75. And thank you...

76. You're quite right, darling.

77. He should slow down.

78. Ah, the gay abandon of the Csardas.

79. The wild rhythm of the tambourines.

80. It sets my Gypsy blood afire.

81. Darling, you have no Gypsy blood.

82. I haven't? I must have a fever.

83. Nonsense. C'est la dance.

84. Tish, when you speak French it really drives me wild.

85. Mon ami.

86. That's it. Speak some more.

87. Bon soir. Ooh, la, la.

88. Darling, please. There's someone at the door.

89. We're married.

90. Cousin Itt?

91. Wait here.

92. Crepe suzettes.

93. Comme ci, comme ca. Oui, oui, monsieur.

94. Keep going. Keep going.

95. Cousin Itt.

96. Tell him we're out.

97. Gomez.

98. Go on, Tish. Speak some more.

99. Moulin Rouge. Vive la France!

100. Cousin Itt?

101. Show him in, Lurch. Show him in.

102. Oh, oh. You're too late.

103. There he goes. Up the wall.

104. And in through the window.

105. Good old Itty.

106. Comfortably settled in the attic before you can say,

107. "Sweep out the cobwebs."

108. The perfect houseguest.

109. I didn't get the last line.

110. And then Marie Antoinette says,

111. "Operator, I've been cut off."

112. You know, it's not the joke, though.

113. It's the way that he tells it.

114. Fester, you've never looked better.

115. Good morning, querida.

116. Good morning, darling.

117. Where is everyone?

118. They're up in Cousin Itt's room, helping him pack.

119. He's leaving already?

120. Just a rolling stone.

121. I don't know. He seems to have gathered quite a bit of moss.

122. I wonder why he's never married.

123. Obvious. He likes to play the field.

124. Maybe if he had a good job.

125. He's such an amusing fellow.

126. Perhaps in the field of entertainment?

127. An actor? Cousin Itt?

128. Darling, face it. He's much too short.

129. Too short for an actor and too tall for a producer.

130. I suppose show business is out.

131. The Beatles?

132. No. He'd be too much for them.

133. Oh, it must be spring.

134. The vampire bats are playing around the attic eaves.

135. It's Cousin Itt. He's been attracting them in droves.

136. Dear Itty.

137. He always did have a way with bats.

138. And baby rattlers.

139. My dear, the new zoo.

140. Commissioner Fiske once mentioned needing a new curator.

141. Do you think he'd consider Cousin Itt?

142. Cousin Itt is a zoo type. He is.

143. If we could only convince the Commissioner.

144. He'll listen to reason.

145. Especially if I threaten to cancel the check.

146. I'll call him.

147. Why, thank you, Thing.

148. He never gets a wrong number.

149. Mrs. Addams, this is indeed a pleasure.

150. I'm afraid I don't quite follow you.

151. Let me put it this way.

152. The most exciting contribution we can make to your new zoo

153. is in our attic right now.

154. Really? Well, I'll be right over.

155. He's on his way over.

156. Splendid. Cousin Itt's not leaving just yet.

157. Are you sure? Positive.

158. I'm locking him in.

159. Here we are, Mr. Fiske.

160. This is the key, Commissioner.

161. The answer to all your questions is behind that door.

162. We'll be waiting for you downstairs.

163. Yeah, but, but...

164. That was a rather brief encounter.

165. Say no more, Mrs. Addams.

166. Say no more. You were absolutely right.

167. This is the most sensational thing

168. that's ever happened to the zoo.

169. We knew you'd be impressed.

170. Oh, I shall be back with a couple of attendants.

171. We don't wanna lose him.

172. Oh, thank you.

173. Thank you, thank you and thank you.

174. Uh, excuse me?

175. Oh, this is the best thing that ever happened to the zoo.

176. Oh, uh, there must be some name?

177. Why, of course, Commissioner.

178. Itt. Itt?

179. Itt. Oh, perfect. Absolutely perfect.

180. The key to success, querida,

181. the ability to detect and choose good manpower.

182. Cousin Itt must have really turned on the charm.

183. Itt's the one that can do it.

184. And to think, he's coming back with an escort.

185. This time I don't blame him.

186. Cousin Itt is quite a prize.

187. My dear.

188. Now, keep those chains taut, men,

189. and keep away from his fangs.

190. You, Smirch. Lurch.

191. Open that door.

192. Lurch, the wine goblets.

193. Please ask Cousin Itt to join us.

194. I believe he left with the gentlemen from the zoo.

195. Already?

196. Looks like Cousin Itt's going to be a pretty busy man.

197. He was quite tied up when he left.

198. To Cousin Itt.

199. Un momento, querida.

200. Perfect.

201. Thank you, Thing.

202. Oh, Tish, you, you keep improving with every stroke.

203. Such sweep.

204. Such grandeur.

205. I know just what you should call it.

206. What?

207. Chaos.

208. Chaos? Darling, that's Mama.

209. Uh-huh.

210. Oh, yes, yes. The new hairdo.

211. That reminds me.

212. Isn't it about time for Uncle Fester to come home from the zoo?

213. Hey!

214. A-ha.

215. Ah, there you are.

216. How did it go, Uncle Fester?

217. Oh, wonderful. I had 15 bags of popcorn.

218. What about Cousin Itt?

219. Oh, I didn't even see Cousin Itt.

220. No? No.

221. You see, he's got this nice big office

222. with lots of fancy ironwork in the front of it.

223. Boy, you should have seen the crowd that was waiting outside.

224. That's Itt. Real take-charge man.

225. I couldn't even get near him.

226. But I did see them bring him his lunch.

227. A nice big bunch of bananas.

228. Smart.

229. Fresh fruit to ease the ulcer-producing tensions of big business.

230. And he'll need it, too.

231. He's got problems on his hands.

232. I heard on the car radio that one of the animals escaped.

233. Oh?

234. According to the latest report,

235. the escaped creature has been sighted

236. in the Greenbrier Woodlawn area.

237. That's our area.

238. Citizens are urged to lock and bar all windows and doors.

239. Take no chances with this strange beast.

240. What are we gonna do?

241. What any normal family would do.

242. Protect ourselves as best we can.

243. A capital suggestion.

244. Everyone, en garde!

245. Oh, even when I speak French.

246. Gomez. Pardon me.

247. I'll read this again.

248. "Order of the day.

249. "Shooting will be confined to the escaped beast only.

250. "Not at just anything that moves."

251. All right. Who's the culprit?

252. I guess I panicked. Lost my head.

253. It's this awful strain waiting

254. for that escaped beast to pounce on us.

255. Uncle Fester, we're all in the same boat.

256. Fester, why don't you make an inspection trip of all the traps

257. I've set up through the house?

258. That'll keep you occupied.

259. And Fester, if you start to crack up,

260. think of Cousin Itt and all the problems that he's facing now.

261. I'm so ashamed.

262. This is rather like being in the jungle again. Isn't it, dear?

263. You were wonderful to have on safari, Tish.

264. No one could skin a hippopotamus like you could.

265. Darling, any housewife can do that.

266. You were the remarkable one.

267. Well.

268. I'll never forget when that tiger broke cover

269. and charged our gun-bearer.

270. Ah, yes. Dear Ali Casbah.

271. Quick as a wink and without a moment's hesitation,

272. you snapped your gun to your shoulder and fired.

273. Bagged ourselves a wonderful gun-bearer.

274. Poor Ali. He did recover quickly, though.

275. He must get used to that sort of thing.

276. Now, what are you going to do about that, cara mia?

277. Caramba.

278. Oh, I'm sorry, darling.

279. That escaped beast is preying on my mind.

280. I just can't concentrate.

281. Querida, couldn't concentrate?

282. At the door?

283. You're a good lookout, Thing.

284. En garde, my dear.

285. This may be the beast.

286. Just a moment.

287. Oh, that's much better, dear.

288. There's no one there.

289. Cousin Itt? What are you doing here?

290. You should be at the zoo taking charge of things.

291. Isn't that like our dear cousin?

292. Wanting to be with his loved ones at our moment of peril.

293. Very decent of you, Itt, but it isn't necessary.

294. If that beast shows up here, we'll give him a warm welcome.

295. Well, you might as well come in and rest up a bit.

296. "What monster?" he says.

297. You don't have to spare us, Itt.

298. We know all about it.

299. It's a shame it had to happen your first day on the job.

300. Itt, stop pretending.

301. You know what we're talking about.

302. Maybe he should have become an actor.

303. It's all over the radio.

304. Our latest report has the escaped monster

305. entering the Addams house on North Cemetery Drive.

306. Park Commissioner Fiske is reported racing to the scene. In what...

307. Follow me.

308. On second thought, I'd better follow you.

309. Gomez, are you sure the monster is nowhere in the house?

310. I've searched top and bottom. No monster.

311. I'll get it, Lurch.

312. You look after the children.

313. This may be the moment of truth.

314. Darling, what do you mean?

315. I didn't think you'd ask.

316. Addams, are you all right?

317. Tiptop, old man.

318. It's so sweet of everyone to be so concerned about us.

319. I just came here to warn you...

320. That the beast has been seen entering our house. Utter nonsense.

321. Why would it come here?

322. Oh, well, there is something about this place.

323. Thank you.

324. But we've seen neither hide nor hair of any monster.

325. What does the beast look like?

326. Well, you know perfectly well what he looks like!

327. He's about... Well, he's got...

328. Look out! Look out! Run for your lives!

329. The monster!

330. Where? Where?

331. There! There!

332. Oh, that poor man. He's really got it bad.

333. Complete crackup. Can't even recognize his own right-hand man.

334. He broke out of his cage.

335. Itt, at this rate it looks as though you'll have to take over completely.

336. What? What?

337. Is that true, Commissioner?

338. Is what true?

339. Stop stalling, Commissioner. You heard him.

340. Only one thing can prompt an act like that, Itt. Insane jealousy.

341. Locking our cousin in jail.

342. Why, I'll have you broken down to junior-grade White Wing for this!

343. Cousin?

344. Good thing I drew that check on the wrong bank.

345. B-B-But...

346. Commissioner, an apology is in order.

347. Apology, my eye.

348. Will you choose your burial place and weapon, sir?

349. Now, Fester, let's not have any dueling.

350. That's right. I'll shoot him in the back.

351. Would you please turn around, sir?

352. Wait a minute. W-Will you stop him?

353. This must be settled with honor, Fester.

354. All right, give him a blindfold.

355. Uncle Fester, he must be given a fair chance.

356. Very well, Mr. Commissioner, I'll give you a fair chance.

357. I get a shot, then you get a shot.

358. Now, about face!

359. No, no, Uncle Fester, there will be no shooting.

360. It does disturb the neighbors.

361. I'll call the mayor.

362. Oh, no. No, no, please, not the mayor, I beg of you.

363. Very well, we'll forget the mayor. I'll call the governor.

364. See? Even Thing's indignant.

365. What? What?

366. You liked being in a cage?

367. Then why did you run away?

368. Oh, well, that makes sense.

369. He wanted to pick up his military hairbrushes.

370. Commissioner, I'm afraid our apology is in order.

371. I'll send you another check as soon as I recall what bank my money's in.

372. Forget the apology, forget the check.

373. Just let me out of here.

374. I'm afraid we cannot permit Cousin Itt to accompany you.

375. The work is very healthy, but it's unbecoming of an Addams.

376. Well, in case you change your mind,

377. I'll reserve a cage for him.

378. In fact, I'll reserve cages for all of you!

379. Cages for all of us?

380. I'm not sure I'd like that.

381. Of course not, darling.

382. We'll insist on one big family cage.

383. Good morning, Lurch.

384. Cara mia.

385. Good morning, darling.

386. Did you sleep well?

387. I had the funniest nightmare.

388. You do look nice and rested.

389. Not tripe of salamander?

390. With hard sauce.

391. The perfect breakfast.

392. We interrupt with a special announcement.

393. An hour ago a dangerous creature broke out of the city zoo.

394. When last seen, the monster was heading

395. for the Greenbrier Woodlawn area.

396. That's us again.

397. Shall I bolt the windows and doors?

398. Nonsense, it's probably another relative.

399. Better set another place.

400. Oh, and, Lurch, bring a nice big bunch of bananas.