The Addams Family 1x10

1. Neat.

2. Sweet.

3. Petite.

4. You modernists are truly exciting.

5. Darling.

6. Such sweep, such power, such majesty!

7. You have a keen eye.

8. Well, the left one.

9. What are you gonna call it?

10. Spring Song.

11. Perfect.

12. Thank you, darling.

13. Now for the finishing touch.

14. You have such a delicate touch.

15. I just love to hear the sound of children at play.

16. They're really having a go at it today.

17. Those educational toys are marvelous.

18. They keep the children off the streets.

19. By the way, dear, Wednesday is celebrating the loss of her front tooth.

20. Oh, she looks much prettier without it.

21. I think so, too.

22. I've had it!

23. Morticia, Gomez, this child has got to be whacked.

24. We do not go around whacking people in this house.

25. Certainly not without good reason.

26. I have a very good reason.

27. She's been shooting off all of my dynamite caps.

28. But, darling, you have dynamite caps of your own.

29. But they're not any fun. They just go "poop."

30. At your age, a little "poop" ought to be enough.

31. All right, I'm afraid you're gonna have to be punished.

32. And good. I'll put her over my knee.

33. No, no, no, now.

34. I prefer a punishment that will leave an impression on her mind.

35. Excellent thinking, my dear.

36. For the next two weeks,

37. you are forbidden, absolutely forbidden, to play with your pet spider.

38. Not play with Homer?

39. It may seem harsh, Wednesday,

40. but you'll be a better person for it.

41. You may go now.

42. Softies.

43. You think it'll leave a scar?

44. Oh, nonsense.

45. In a few days, she'll be as bright and chipper as a little bat.

46. You're really running away from home? Yep.

47. Got any money?

48. 12 cents.

49. Good. I thought you were broke.

50. Hey, I know a place you can run away to for nothing.

51. Where? My room.

52. You can hide there and just pretend you've run away from home.

53. Then I can run away and still be around to see them suffer.

54. Let's go.

55. Wait.

56. You can't run away without leaving a note.

57. Oh, what'll I say?

58. I'll think of something.

59. The question is where to hang it.

60. It would just light up the entire attic.

61. Darling, why didn't I think of that?

62. Mother, Father, Wednesday's flown the coop.

63. Talk sense, boy.

64. She's run away from home.

65. Really? Very adventurous spirit.

66. I didn't run away from home until I was eight.

67. That's ridiculous.

68. She even left a note. I helped her write it.

69. "Dear Mother and Father, I hate you.

70. "Love, Wednesday.

71. "P.S. Don't bother looking for me

72. "because I'm not anywhere. Goodbye, W."

73. Well, why would the child leave a nice homey place like this?

74. You're right. She's probably hiding somewhere.

75. Oh, no. She's not hiding anywhere.

76. We'll organize a search party.

77. Comb the entire house.

78. Mother, aren't you going to drag the rivers?

79. Tomorrow. Wednesday's a good swimmer.

80. Her note was right. She doesn't seem to be anywhere.

81. Unless she's here in Pugsley's room.

82. Oh, no. She's not in here.

83. If you knew she was running away, why didn't you stop her?

84. You know women.

85. Once they've made up their minds...

86. Oh, my little girl.

87. She's out there in the world, all alone.

88. Don't worry, querida mia, she'll be all right.

89. She comes of sound stock.

90. But, darling, even an Addams can be led into temptation.

91. Supposing she wanders on a playground, tries to teeter-totter.

92. She may even run away and join the Brownies.

93. Gomez, we've got to call the...

94. P-O-L-I-C-E.

95. You mean the fuzz?

96. What is the "fuzz"?

97. The bulls.

98. Thought you had him there, didn't you?

99. Please, Mrs. Tunnel, don't scream at me, will you, please?

100. We, we brought the kid home.

101. It's up to you to keep him there.

102. Yeah, okay, okay.

103. I'll—I'll put out another dragnet.

104. But I'm warning you, no more helicopters.

105. You're costing the city a fortune.

106. (TELEPHONE RINGING) Yes, okay, thank you very much.

107. All right, I'm coming.

108. Sergeant Haley, Missing Persons.

109. Well, I have one.

110. A missing person, of course.

111. Look, lady. This is no time for jokes.

112. Now tell me who's missing, and give me your address, please.

113. My name is Mrs. Addams, and I want you to find my little girl, Wednesday.

114. Look, I'll find her Tuesday, if I can,

115. but don't give me no deadlines, will you, please?

116. Wednesday is her name.

117. Oh, and I suppose you're gonna tell me

118. her middle name is Thursday, huh?

119. Friday.

120. Now come on, lady.

121. Now, this is a place of business.

122. A-A-A-Are you serious?

123. Okay, okay, just tell me where you live

124. and I'll come right out there.

125. Uh-huh.

126. Right next to a... cemetery?

127. Yes, we have a lovely view of it.

128. Thank you.

129. What news, Tish?

130. The police are on their way over.

131. (GASPS) Good heavens.

132. The neighbors will think we've committed some crime.

133. Does make you feel like a fraud.

134. Uncle Fester, the police are on their way over.

135. They'll never take me alive.

136. Wait, Fester, they're coming over because of Wednesday.

137. Oh, that. I solved the Wednesday caper.

138. You mean you found her?

139. Found her? She was never lost.

140. She's hiding out up in Pugsley's room.

141. I got suspicious when I saw him sneaking food up to her.

142. I don't believe it.

143. Would you believe your own eyes?

144. That depends.

145. Uncle Fester, our children do not do sneaky things.

146. Unless it's absolutely necessary.

147. She's upstairs all right.

148. That's what you get for sparing the paddle.

149. Uncle Fester, please.

150. My father knew how to raise children.

151. He used the paddle on me even when I was good.

152. And if my mother interfered, he'd use it on her.

153. Papa was strict but fair.

154. And you had to respect him.

155. If you didn't, whack.

156. Even now, when I toss and turn in bed, I think of him.

157. That's very touching, Uncle Fester.

158. But we have no time for maudlin sentiment.

159. Are you sure Wednesday is still upstairs?

160. Just follow old Sherlock.

161. You know, I wouldn't mind joining the police,

162. if it wasn't for those silly uniforms they wear.

163. Is she there?

164. (WHISPERING) And as happy as a lark.

165. The tricky little minx.

166. I wonder which side of the family she got that from.

167. Both sides.

168. Sergeant Haley?

169. I was when I left home this morning.

170. Okay, lady, what, uh, what about your kid?

171. Oh, she's fine.

172. Is that why you dragged me all the way out here?

173. Now, that would be silly, wouldn't it?

174. Well, where was she? Right here.

175. Right here?

176. Clever, wasn't it? Running away from home with all the comforts of home.

177. Now look. If this is some kind of a gag...

178. My dear man,

179. our child has been safe at home all the time.

180. Aren't you delighted?

181. Oh, I'm tickled.

182. After all, what else have I got to do?

183. There are 683 missing persons on my file,

184. four of which have been found.

185. My phone rings 18 hours a day, three of them in my head.

186. Half the kids in this town are lost, the other half should be.

187. I am at the peak of a migraine headache, I haven't had my lunch,

188. and you clowns drag me all the way out here

189. and tell me your kid is fine!

190. Delighted?

191. Lady, I'm, I'm beside myself with joy!

192. Emotional, wasn't he?

193. Civil servants of today.

194. The least little thing and they just fly apart.

195. Well, what's our next move?

196. We're going up and have a little talk with that girl.

197. Gomez, the time has passed for talking.

198. Fine, I'll get my old fraternity paddle. Whack!

199. No, I have a much better way.

200. Psychology.

201. Oh, that's no fun.

202. Uncle Fester, this is not a fun matter.

203. That child has got to be taught to play with her own explosives.

204. It's my turn to swing from the chandelier.

205. Quick, under the bed.

206. Well, I guess Wednesday is really gone.

207. Someday, when she's slaving away in a tuna cannery,

208. she may remember the life of ease she had in this lovely home.

209. Ragged, penniless, her little fingers bleeding from the tuna cans,

210. she may return and say she's sorry.

211. And when that happens, we'll take her back. If we have room.

212. If they have room?

213. Come, my dear. Let's go down and remove

214. her pictures from the family album.

215. They don't love me.

216. Oh, they're just using psychology.

217. What's that?

218. I don't know, but that's what they're using on you.

219. Guess they think that you don't have he nerve to leave home.

220. Well, I'll show them.

221. And I'm taking Homer with me.

222. Oh, Gomez, I feel as though I were dancing with Nijinsky.

223. And I with Pavlova.

224. Must be the solving of the Wednesday crisis.

225. Oh, that's one situation you handled admirably.

226. There's a little girl who's home to stay.

227. Wednesday, write me as soon as you get to the tuna cannery.

228. Okay, bye.

229. No, Mrs. Tunnel.

230. We haven't found your boy yet.

231. Do you realize this is the seventh time he's run away from home?

232. No, I'm not suggesting you keep him locked up in a broom closet.

233. But has it ever occurred to you

234. that maybe the reason he's running away from home

235. is on account of you?

236. Mrs. Tunnel? Mrs. Tunnel?

237. There you are, sweetheart.

238. Now, you go right over and see the nice sergeant, right there.

239. Well, here's another one.

240. Oh, that's all I need. Another missing kid.

241. I'm not missing.

242. I'm on my way to the tuna cannery.

243. Look, honey, I've had a very rough day. Now, what's your name?

244. Oh, it's gonna be one of those, huh?

245. Would, uh, the nice young lady like a nice big

246. strawberry ice cream cone?

247. No, sir.

248. Well, what would you like?

249. A dead fly.

250. Fly? For my spider. He's hungry.

251. Yeah, I—I believe you.

252. Look, take her over to the social worker, will you?

253. What's a social worker?

254. Oh, now, don't worry, honey.

255. She's just a nice sweet old lady

256. who'll get you some apple pie and she'll play beanbag with you,

257. and she'll read you stories about Goldilocks and Rumpelstiltskin.

258. You mean fairy tales? Yeah.

259. Where they slay dragons?

260. And old witches.

261. Oh, no, please. I'll talk.

262. My name is Wednesday Addams.

263. Addams?

264. There's something fishy going on here.

265. Yes, sir.

266. What's that number again?

267. Cemetery 1-3...

268. Yeah, I know, I know.

269. Candle flame.

270. Oh, Gomez, that was so masterful.

271. Now it's your turn.

272. Come to me.

273. Caramba.

274. Darling, let me up. It's probably my poetry club.

275. Tell them you've resigned.

276. Gomez, darling, let me up.

277. Thank you.

278. Hello? Uh, hello, Mrs. Addams?

279. Uh, this is Sergeant Haley.

280. Oh, yes.

281. It's that nice Missing Persons fellow.

282. Uh, Mrs. Addams, it's a kind of a policy of ours

283. to sort of check back at certain troublespots.

284. Uh, your little girl still home?

285. Why, yes, she is.

286. (WHIP CRACKING) How sweet of you to ask.

287. He's concerned about Wednesday.

288. Isn't that nice?

289. And, Mrs. Addams, uh, just for the record,

290. would you mind describing her, please?

291. Not at all.

292. She has the most adorable figure.

293. Mmm-hmm. And she's about, say, uh, about 3'6", would you say?

294. Yes.

295. And the most soulful eyes.

296. Don't forget her striking complexion.

297. (WHIP CRACKING) Oh, yes.

298. And she has the loveliest pallor.

299. And, uh, by any chance, does she have, uh, long braids?

300. Why, yes. How clever you detectives are.

301. And you're sure she's still home?

302. Snug as a baby bat in her little cave.

303. Mmm-hmm.

304. Well, thank you very much, Mrs. Addams.

305. That tells us everything we wanna know.

306. Thank you. It's a great joy to know

307. you're watching over us, Sergeant.

308. Thank you very much.

309. Keep your eye on that kid. I'm going over there and check this thing out.

310. Yes, sir.

311. W-W-Where are you going?

312. I'm tired of running away.

313. I think I'll go home.

314. No, no, sweetheart. No.

315. You're gonna stay right here until

316. somebody responsible comes for you.

317. Wednesday.

318. Uncle Fester.

319. Oh, I looked all over town for you.

320. Pugsley told me you ran away.

321. Are you related to this kid?

322. He's my uncle.

323. Well, can't you see the family resemblance?

324. Let's go.

325. Uh, no, now, now, wait, wait, wait just a minute.

326. I gotta have time to think.

327. Get that big paw off of me...

328. Easy does it, my dear.

329. A prowler.

330. Good work, Lurch. Let's have a look at the scoundrel.

331. All right, put me down.

332. Sergeant Haley, we weren't expecting you.

333. But it's so nice of you to come.

334. Will you put me down, you big ox?

335. Lurch, put the sergeant in the good chair.

336. You must forgive dear Lurch.

337. Only doing his duty.

338. So much riffraff around these days, you know?

339. Yes, you can say that again,

340. and most of that riffraff is parents.

341. I'm sure you meet some terrible families.

342. Oh, do I!

343. You'd be surprised, some of the weirdos I meet in this business.

344. Really? Yes, really.

345. Right now, at this very minute,

346. I've got a little runaway down at the station.

347. A pathetic little thing with, with long braids.

348. And you think her parents even know she's gone?

349. How frightful!

350. Parents like that should be horsewhipped.

351. You're so right.

352. Wait a minute, Sergeant.

353. Did you say a little girl with long braids?

354. Yes, she has long braids and a little pet spider.

355. And by a strange coincidence,

356. she happens to be named Wednesday.

357. Morticia, do you realize what's happened?

358. Of course I do.

359. The sergeant's suffering from hallucinations.

360. Oh, yeah?

361. Well, I'm going to have some explanations, too, before I leave.

362. Now, lady, what about your runaway kid?

363. Poor sergeant.

364. His work has taken a heavy toll.

365. Reminds me of old Bagby, my Egyptian camel master.

366. One moment as sane as you or I.

367. The next moment completely amok, running naked into the Nile.

368. Look, now, don't try to double-talk me.

369. I'm taking the two of you down to police headquarters.

370. Thank you very much, Sergeant,

371. but we have a previous engagement.

372. Look, don't you understand, lady?

373. Your kid scrammed!

374. Now, why would the child want to leave this lovely home?

375. Why?

376. Because she's probably sick and tired of living in—in this madhouse.

377. Look at that.

378. You rang?

379. All right, you. Easy on the rough stuff.

380. Lurch, you must forgive the sergeant.

381. I'm afraid he's walked one beat too many.

382. Now, look, you people...

383. All right. Whoever you are, come out from out from under there

384. or so help me, I'll let you have it.

385. Come, old chap, give Daddy the gun.

386. What's that?

387. Our son, Pugsley.

388. He's never happier than when he's shooting off his dynamite caps.

389. And Wednesday's happy with her headless dolls.

390. Happy?

391. Lady, don't you understand? Your kid's run away.

392. Oh, those hallucinations again.

393. Really, old chap,

394. you should see a psychiatrist.

395. I need a head shrinker?

396. Typical case.

397. The more they need help, the harder they fight it.

398. Now, look. Here.

399. If, if that kid's in her room, I'll—I'll turn in my badge, all right?

400. Well, now that won't be necessary.

401. But if it will make you feel any better,

402. I'll go up and get her.

403. Sergeant, you're right. Wednesday isn't in her room.

404. Well, really!

405. She's outside on the porch, playing with her Uncle Fester.

406. Oh, outside, playing with her Uncle

407. Fester?

408. Where are you going?

409. Oh, out there somewhere.

410. Sergeant Haley, is there anything we can do for you?

411. Yes, you can call the police station

412. and tell them you want to report a missing person.

413. Emotional, isn't he?

414. I told you.

415. Tish, Consolidated Plus just hit 100.

416. Really? What did you pay for it, dear?

417. 209.

418. But these little fluctuations mean nothing.

419. Uncle Fester?

420. Little Wednesday.

421. That was quite a "poop."

422. Well, she's been such a good child lately,

423. I thought I'd buy her a few fresh dynamite caps. Just a few.

424. Of course, you can't spoil them.

425. Ah, the mail's in.

426. Thank you, Thing.

427. It's from Sergeant Haley.

428. Well, what's the poor devil have to say?

429. Oh, he says he's fully recovered

430. and he's starting all over again

431. as a junior detective in Wabash, Indiana.

432. He needs more training.

433. Oh, there's a P.S.

434. He wants us to send him his badge, collect.

435. Well, I guess we'll just have to give it to him.

436. Now which one was Sergeant Haley's?