1. Debbie, Debbie.
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2. I've come to read you
a poem I've written.
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3. All right, whatever.
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4. Oh, Debbie, I wish my words could
fly from my heart into y...
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5. My friend, you'll never
find a lady's favour
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6. with paltry sentiments
such as this.
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7. If you wish to win
this woman's heart,
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8. you must reach out and
speak unto her very being.
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9. But I never know what to say to her.
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10. A lover must speak with audacity,
with passion, with courage, with wit.
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11. Your words climbing on each other's
shoulders, surmounting the cool
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12. night air and then tumbling gently
into her ears.
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13. How do I do that?
Perhaps I can teach you.
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14. Alors. Return to your battlefield
of love and repeat after me.
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15. Oi, Debbie!
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16. Oi, Debbie.
Louder, she's watching EastEnders.
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17. Oi, Debbie!
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18. What do you want?
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19. And so the dance begins.
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20. Tell her you want her to
stop being such a bitch.
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21. I want you to stop
being such a bitch.
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22. What? She looks annoyed.
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23. Ah, but she has turned off the
telly. You have her now, mon ami.
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24. Ask her if
she's bloody coming out or what.
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25. Are you bloody coming out or what?
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26. Now spit.
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27. Bravo.
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28. Out where? Erm, well, there's a new
play on at the National, actually, so...
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29. Ooh! Idiot!
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30. Did you say a play?
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31. Are you queer or something?
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32. No, I said I've got these
tickets for the X Factor live tour.
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33. And what makes you think
I'd want to go with you?
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34. Tell her because she loves it.
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35. That doesn't even
make sense as an answer.
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36. Do it! Say, "Because you love it".
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37. Because you love it.
I beg your pardon?
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38. Now call her a dirty girl.
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39. Oh, that's just sexist. No,
she'll have think it is... cheeky.
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40. You're a dirty girl.
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41. Oi, you cheeky bastard!
Copy !req
42. Ask her if she'd rather you gave the
tickets to Carrie Richards instead.
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43. Would you rather I give the
tickets to Carrie Richards?
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44. Who the hell is Carrie Richards?
Who the hell is Carrie Richards?
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45. She's a girl you got
pregnant 18 months ago.
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46. She's a girl I got
pregnant 18 months ago.
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47. And you'll give them to her
instead of the child support.
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48. That's terrible!
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49. What's terrible? Nothing.
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50. Look, I'll be down in five minutes,
I've just got to put some make-up on.
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51. Tell her she needs it.
I'm not saying that.
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52. You need it, you ugly cow!
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53. You are such a cheeky git!
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54. Come up and I'll call us a minicab.
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55. All right, but you're paying!
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56. Yeah, all right.
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57. Allez, allez.
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58. The pigeon, it is
nearly in the park.
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59. Actually, you know what? Thanks
for the help and everything, but now
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60. I've talked to Debbie, I'm not
sure if I really like her that much.
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61. No matter, you'll be
all right for the night.
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62. I'm not really into
that kind of relationship.
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63. I think she might have
some self-esteem issues,
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64. allowing herself to
be treated like that.
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65. What the...? I don't even do...
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66. You coming in or what,
you gormless bastard?
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67. Actually... Ooh, nose candy,
thank God.
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68. Oi, naughty boy,
let's at least get a line in first.
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69. 'You wipe, you disinfect, you bleach, but
don't let your guard down for a minute.'
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70. No!
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71. 'If your children get dirt
on them, they'll explode.'
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72. When it comes to being careful,
you can't be too careful,
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73. and that's why Cleanlinol protects
against absolutely all germs.
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74. And that's...
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75. ..a promise.
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76. Which means you can be confident
that your children
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77. are protected against bad humours,
miasma and fresh air...
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78. .. and free to enjoy life
the healthy way.
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79. Cleanlinol, because Cleanlinol
is next to Godlinol.
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80. In all good supermarkets.
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81. Come and meet my brother in law Paul.
He's lovely, he's a real people person.
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82. So, James, pleasure to meet you,
James, real pleasure to meet you.
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83. Heard a lot about you, James. Really?
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84. Zing. Like it. So, tell me, James,
what do you do for your day job?
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85. I'm asking because I'm
genuinely interested.
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86. Well,
I work in a sewage treatment plant.
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87. It's pretty low-key but occasionally
there's a blockage, which means...
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88. Yeah. That someone's got to
physically... Brilliant, yeah.
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89. God, I'm so bloody fascinated, James,
I'd like to glue my brain to your face.
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90. Are you even listening?
That is so true. I'm not even talking.
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91. Me neither.
God, we've got so much in common.
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92. We should totally do lunch.
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93. Oh, I see what's going on here.
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94. What?
You think you're good with people.
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95. Sorry? It all makes sense, the fake
matey-ness, the rapey arm touching,
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96. the way you keep using my name
in a way that makes me feel oddly
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97. violated as if you've just
dipped your cock in my drink.
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98. It's called people skills. Well, I'm sorry
to have to break this to you, mate,
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99. but these people skills you seem
so desperate to thrust at me
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100. as if I'm the social
equivalent of a wank doll
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101. just make you seem
weird and a bit scary.
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102. No offence, but in a party situation,
you seem as about as relaxed
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103. and friendly as a serial killer
doing a police interview
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104. while still wearing his
last victim's skin.
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105. Oh. Don't worry, it's totally normal.
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106. It doesn't make you the sort of
freaky, long finger-nailed loner who
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107. gets arrested in Sainsbury's
for stroking the bread.
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108. Being shit with people is just a
very minor disability that you share
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109. with everyone who isn't
Alan Carr or Top Cat.
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110. Just accept it and move on.
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111. OK. Well,
piss off and stand on your own, then.
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112. That's more like it.
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113. 'This is Adrian. He's 35, he lives in
Southampton, and he's a fishmonger.'
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114. But he's agreed to take part in
a unique and pointless television
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115. experiment because we've
set Adrian the task
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116. of making a fish out of water
documentary in just four days.
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117. But there's a twist.
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118. Adrian has no
television making experience.
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119. It always takes more than four
days to make a documentary
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120. and at the end of each day,
we'll be weighing him.
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121. This is...
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122. That's why we picked a fishmonger.
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123. It's day one and Adrian is hoping to
pick up some tips
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124. at False Jeopardy Productions,
creators of TV hits like
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125. Medicine Swap, Pigeon Among The Cats and
Cheryl And Ashley - Coles To Newcastle.
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126. Isolde McYurt is head of envisioning
at False Jeopardy.
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127. Now, the first thing you need is an
arbitrary deadline to build tension.
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128. "Ar-bi-tary-trary."
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129. Adrian has just eight minutes to
come up with his arbitrary deadline.
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130. Hours...
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131. If he doesn't,
the project can't go ahead
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132. and the whole thing will have been
a massive waste of a third of a day.
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133. One second...
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134. That should be...
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135. In the nick of time, Adrian has come
up with his arbitrary deadline.
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136. But there's
a problem.
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137. Under the rules of the show,
he has to pitch the idea
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138. to a panel of former top
television executives,
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139. now working at ITV, while juggling,
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140. a skill Adrian has never
previously attempted.
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141. To help him, he'll also be
allowed to sell them fish.
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142. So what I thought was is that
you get a cheesemonger who makes.
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143. like, erm, brie, and then you get them
to make a different sort of cheese,
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144. like cheddar, and then he's
like, "Whoa, cheddar is so hard."
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145. Because he's used to
making soft cheese?
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146. No, because it's difficult.
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147. The executives love Adrian's
cheese idea, but there's a problem.
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148. Under the rules of the show, he'll have
to make it without using the word cheese.
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149. I'm really feeling the pressure now.
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150. I'm just going to have to
mention cheese at some point.
Copy !req
151. Time for the weigh-in, Adrian.
Copy !req
152. Adrian has put on nearly
three pounds swapping from
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153. a predominantly fish based diet
to one consisting solely of cheese.
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154. Under the rules of the show,
this weight gain means Adrian
Copy !req
155. will have his TV camera confiscated
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156. and will have to film his
documentary on his mobile phone.
Copy !req
157. Is anyone a cheesemonger... I mean,
a rennet-induced-curd-food-monger?
Copy !req
158. Adrian is finding the impossibility
of his task overwhelming.
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159. I mean, I've given it everything.
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160. 110 percent?
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161. No, that's impossible.
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162. I mean, I've just... Cry.
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163. I feel like...
Go on, go on, cry, please.
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164. I really just feel...
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165. I mean... I've given it everything and
I'm still coming up short.
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166. I so want to succeed.
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167. It's been my dream to
stop being a fishmonger
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168. and make documentaries
ever since The Pub.
Copy !req
169. Back at False Jeopardy, it's time
for Adrian's efforts to be judged by
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170. top industry professional Sir Alan
Yentob, is he a sir? Or equivalent TBC.
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171. It's bad news.
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172. Well, in the end, I'd have to have
weighed less than Posh Spice
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173. for my documentary
to have worked.
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174. He said,
and I don't know if I can bear to
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175. repeat this, "It was good enough
for Channel Five, but not Dave".
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176. What do you feel about your journey?
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177. Well, the one here was all
right, but going back,
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178. apparently, there's
leaves on the line now,
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179. so they're doing replacement buses
after Basingstoke, so not great.
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180. Tune in next week for our new series,
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181. Whatever Happened To
Adrian The Fishmonger Guy?
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182. So, I've been catching up on my
DVD box-sets. Oh yeah? The Wire?
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183. No, Blackadder.
I'm further behind than you think.
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184. Which reminds me, I must watch The
Young Ones before one of them dies.
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185. Yeah. I love Blackadder,
but I have to say, I think
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186. the last joke in Blackadder
Goes Forth really falls flat.
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187. The last joke, so, that's...
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188. When they're all going over
the top into No Man's Land
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189. and it looks like they've got
shot and then it cuts to
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190. this visual gag of a field of poppies
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191. and the studio audience really
aren't buying it at all.
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192. Yeah, I'm not altogether sure
that that's meant to be funny.
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193. What? The As Time Goes By defence?
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194. No. I think having
made a lot of jokes,
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195. I mean really, a lot of
jokes, they felt that
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196. they needed to show
some heart, you know,
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197. that everything isn't about
jokes, there are serious things.
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198. But why would they do that?
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199. In a comedy show, isn't that a bit,
"Here's two minutes in the
Copy !req
200. "hangover simulator
to go with your beer"?
Copy !req
201. Well, how would you have ended it?
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202. Some big Frank Spencer pratfall
over barbed-wire into some poo
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203. so the credits roll and
they're all covered in poo?
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204. Poo? Yeah.
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205. What poo? The poo in No Man's Land.
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206. There wasn't any poo.
It looks like poo. It was mud.
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207. Mud, poo, it's not my idea, David, I'm
saying, they shouldn't have done that.
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208. It's good that they didn't do that.
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209. Where would the poo who have come from?
Forget about the poo. There was no poo.
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210. What I'm saying is that
comedy can't all just be talk of poo.
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211. News to me. Sometimes you
have to show some depth.
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212. Do you think we should do that?
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213. Well. Kill off Adrik,
roll the credits over silence.
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214. It would certainly stop that bastard
saying what the next programme is.
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215. No it wouldn't.
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216. Nothing would stop that bastard.
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217. And even if it would stop
the bastard on BBC Two,
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218. it would never stop
the bastard on Dave.
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219. He doesn't give a shit. As soon
as it would get to the poppy bit
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220. of Blackadder Goes Forth,
he's already split the screen
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221. and he's showing highlights of
Frankie Boyle's nan-pussy set.
Copy !req
222. In memory of the fallen.
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223. I think we really need it, David.
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224. I think we desperately
need to show maturity
Copy !req
225. with something tacked on and mawkish.
Like we care about MS.
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226. MS? It doesn't have to be MS,
just people and their relationships
Copy !req
227. and their disgusting problems,
like we give a shit or something.
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228. That's the mission statement.
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229. I'm sorry, I can't quite
catch...
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230. What? I can't... I can't hear! What?
What? I didn't catch what you...
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231. It's very noisy, I can't hear you.
I can't... What? Could you?
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232. It might be a quiet bit, hang on.
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233. Just come over here.
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234. Why does it have
to be so loud? I know!
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235. Do you want to go somewhere quieter?
Can we go somewhere quieter?
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236. Yeah, good idea. Yeah.
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237. Drink up now, please.
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238. Do you want to see if
there's somewhere to sit?
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239. I've called time. Oh, have you?
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240. Oh, OK. Is there anywhere nearby?
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241. Goodnight. Are they still...
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242. No, it's shut.
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243. Erm... Hmm, yeah.
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244. Digby and Ginger fall in a skip and
they find a child's bunny rabbit
Copy !req
245. and you close in on
the bunny rabbit
Copy !req
246. and the bunny is crying and then you just
cut to a caption saying "Fuck cancer".
Copy !req
247. That's a bit post-watershed.
How about "Sod cancer"?
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248. Sod cancer?
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249. "Sod cancer for a game of soldiers."
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250. Yeah. I think "Sod
cancer" on its own,
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251. it's stronger on its own.
Yeah, it is strong.
Copy !req
252. And then we're
in Afghanistan,
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253. but everyone is wearing Make
Poverty History wristbands.
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254. Including the Taliban. Yeah.
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255. Then we fade to black,
roll the credits in a silence. Yeah.
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256. Or Keane. Will I recognise that?
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257. Yeah.
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258. Is it a bit contrived?
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259. Yeah. You're right,
we're not getting anywhere.
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260. Should we have a cup of tea?
Copy !req
261. Sorry, guys, the hot water's run
out. It will be about five minutes.
Copy !req
262. So, the wedding worked?
Yes, the wedding worked.
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263. Well done, us. Euch!
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264. And you've called her Dorothy?
Lovely name.
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265. Yes, yes, Dorothy, although
we prefer to call her Dotty.
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266. Don't we, Dotty? Hello, Dotty.
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267. Hello, Dotty. I prefer Dorothy,
actually.
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268. Up yours! Up yours!
Copy !req
269. So we'd like the christening to form
part of the regular Sunday service.
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270. Yes, if that's OK with you.
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271. Fine. Absolutely.
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272. Absolutely(!) Shit you!
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273. Otherwise, it's a bit like,
Copy !req
274. welcoming someone into a
familywhile everyone's in bed.
Copy !req
275. In bed, what are you saying?
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276. We still have sex, you know.
I mean, we are very tired, but...
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277. I'm not tired.
You're not breast-feeding.
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278. Neither are you any more.
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279. It was very hard!
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280. It's been hard for me, too.
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281. Up yours! Up yours!
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282. Guys...
Up yours! Up yours!
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283. Up yours! Up yours! Up yours!
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284. Up yours! Up yours!
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285. What a lovely fart.
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286. Good girl.
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287. Merry
Christmas, sir.
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288. What the hell are you talking
about, Hennimore? It's August 12.
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289. They put the decorations up
earlier every year, don't they, sir?
Copy !req
290. That may pass as brilliant societal
observation in the outside world,
Copy !req
291. but here at Tinsel International
Incorporating British Baubles and
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292. Shiny Balls UK, it
plunges our annual rush
Copy !req
293. squarely into the dog days of summer.
Mint julep?
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294. Thank you very much, sir.
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295. What the hell are you doing
drinking at work, Hennimore?
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296. Sorry sir, I keep
thinking it's Christmas.
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297. What on earth gave you that idea?
Copy !req
298. Anyway, not to worry, Hennimore, because
you could cope with this job drunk.
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299. Glad to hear it, sir.
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300. Look at the quality of
that fairy, Hennimore.
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301. She looks good enough to fuck.
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302. Yes, sir.
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303. As you know,
we in Britain are banned
Copy !req
304. from manufacturing likenesses
of the female form
Copy !req
305. under the Masturbatory
Discouragement Act of 1969,
Copy !req
306. and have to get them in from abroad.
Copy !req
307. So I need you to order 12 more
of those extravagant fairies
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308. to be here by 4 o'clock,
when Gavin Rod,
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309. thrusting chief executive of Whoopsies
department store, Uxbridge Avenue,
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310. Central London, will be here to pick
up our biggest Christmas order yet.
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311. So, make sure there are 12
extravagant fairies delivered here,
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312. number four, 1600
Avenue by four.
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313. Right-o, sir.
On an unrelated note,
Copy !req
314. my wife, who has been staunchly
pro-queer ever since she was once
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315. briefly lesbianised at secretarial
college, is an enthusiastic fundraiser
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316. for the World Homosexual Organisation of
Peterborough, Stevenage, India and Eire.
Copy !req
317. WHOOPSIE.
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318. Whoopsie!
Copy !req
319. Told you to lay off that stuff.
Copy !req
320. As you can see, she's nowhere
near her funding target.
Copy !req
321. But that's at the top, sir. That's
because it's so bloody hot in here.
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322. In reality, she's
barely raised a bean,
Copy !req
323. largely as a result of the efforts of
horrible homophobes like Gavin Rod.
Copy !req
324. Gavin Rod of Whoopsie?
Don't be ridiculous, Hennimore.
Copy !req
325. Why would Gavin Rod join a
pro-Nancy pressure group?
Copy !req
326. Everyone knows he was once briefly
homosexualised at managerial college.
Copy !req
327. I mean Whoopsie the department store.
Copy !req
328. Then why the blazes didn't you say
so? Sorry, sir.
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329. It's all right, Hennimore,
I know you're drunk.
Copy !req
330. And I hate having to do business
with the likes of Gavin Rod.
Copy !req
331. Anyway, forget about him.
Copy !req
332. In order to make sure that Mrs
Boss's fundraiser goes with a bang,
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333. I need you to book a dozen
gay dancers for the cabaret.
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334. The most extravagant
one they've got.
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335. It's an evening event but they'll
need to get there early,
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336. about 1600 hours, and the
address is 16004 O'clock Street.
Copy !req
337. I'm sure those 12 fairies will loosen
the pockets of the gentlemen present.
Copy !req
338. And remember to get the 12 extravagant
fairies here by 4 for the homophobe.
Copy !req
339. I notice you're not
writing any of this down.
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340. I expect that's because it's so simple.
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341. Nail on the head, sir.
Copy !req
342. "Dancing Queen"
by Abba
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343. It's not natural!
You're all about abominations!
Copy !req
344. It's like managerial
college all over again!
Copy !req
345. So sorry I'm late, Gavin,
but I've been meaning to say
Copy !req
346. a bit of broad-mindedness when it
comes to other's people's lifestyle...
Copy !req
347. What the...? They were a man down,
sir.
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348. Oh! This thong's a bit tight!
Copy !req
349. Hennimore!
Copy !req
350. You're watching the British
Emergency Broadcasting System.
Copy !req
351. Coming up later, our new topical
entertainment show, Mock The Event,
Copy !req
352. which may offend viewers who were
affected by The Event.
Copy !req
353. But first, it's time for
The Quiz Broadcast.
Copy !req
354. Hello, good evening, and
scratching only makes it worse.
Copy !req
355. Don't! Don't!
Copy !req
356. Welcome to the show.
Copy !req
357. Before we start, since last week,
we've actually had a letter from Them
Copy !req
358. saying that a lot of Them apparently
watch and enjoy the show,
Copy !req
359. so I'd just like to say to any
of Them watching... leave us be!
Copy !req
360. Why can't you leave us alone?
Copy !req
361. So let's meet the contestants.
Copy !req
362. Peter, of course, you won't
know what none of Them looks like?
Copy !req
363. No.
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364. Well, let me tell you,
they look just like us.
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365. Well, of course they used
to be us, didn't they?
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366. That's right, they used to be us.
Copy !req
367. I'd also like to welcome
back the lovely Sheila. Yes.
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368. You're not one of them,
I hope, are you Sheila?
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369. Yes.
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370. She can only say yes, you fools!
Copy !req
371. She's been voltage-calmed. I
was just trying to do a joke!
Copy !req
372. I was only trying to do a joke.
Copy !req
373. Is Sheila all right?
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374. Sheila's fine, Peter.
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375. Sheila's safe.
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376. And our third contestant
is a newcomer to The Quiz Broadcast.
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377. What's your name?
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378. Why do you want
to know?
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379. And on to round one.
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380. Them. Question one,
what do we know about Them?
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381. Only that we fear Them.
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382. Correct. Question two.
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383. Are they trying to get in?
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384. I'll give you a clue. Sheila could
have been answered this one.
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385. Yes.
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386. Correct. They are trying to get in.
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387. They are really trying to get in.
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388. And question three.
Have any of Them got in?
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389. Yes.
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390. I'm sorry, I'm afraid the answer
I've got here is that to date,
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391. thankfully,
none of Them have got in.
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392. That's not the right answer.
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393. And finally for this
round, question four.
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394. Do they really feed on human
flesh or is that just a myth?
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395. Rargh!
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396. I can hear crunching.
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397. I'm afraid that's all we've got time
for because, erm... They've got in.
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398. Well, there's nothing for
it, someone's got to die.
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399. If this show is to have
any meaning at all,
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400. we've got to show that we're
prepared to kill someone off.
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401. What, one of us? Oh, God, no.
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402. What, so, like, Mark?
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403. I don't think people
really know who Mark is.
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404. They'll probably have to cut
to him now to illustrate it.
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405. Well, it's going to have
to be James, then, isn't it?
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406. We're going to have to kill James.
Oh, yeah.
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407. Hi, guys.
Oh, I'm so happy at the moment.
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408. I feel like it will never end.
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409. What are you doing? I'm talking to
my best gal on Facebook.
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410. Perfect.
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411. 'What would you know about cricket?'
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412. 'I am struggling.'
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413. 'And you sit there and destroy
everything he's worked for.'
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414. 'Here's here to provide what we call
extreme negative feedback.'
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415. 'This guy marries a girl...'
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416. 'You should be afraid because
bronze is brilliant!'
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