1. Yeah, it's day 15,
and we're somewhere over Kazakhstan.Copy !req
2. Unless I've got this upside down!Copy !req
3. But, no, the good news is
we're still on schedule,Copy !req
4. aren't we, Johnny boy?
Yes, chef.Copy !req
5. Me and Johnny got this whole chef,
sous-chef thing going on!Copy !req
6. Let's put that down there.Copy !req
7. Ah, yay!Copy !req
8. We've done some mad shit in the
past, but this really takes the...Copy !req
9. (My name is... Oh, God!Copy !req
10. (My name is Phillip,Copy !req
11. (Phillip Phillips.Copy !req
12. (I design stationery for WH Smith.Copy !req
13. (I think this man means me harm.Copy !req
14. (I've...Copy !req
15. (He thinks this
is a travel programme.Copy !req
16. (He's taking me round the world...Copy !req
17. (in a fucking balloon!Copy !req
18. (We never land!Copy !req
19. (Every time I wake up,Copy !req
20. Who are you talking to?Copy !req
21. (I miss you, Rebecca.Copy !req
22. (Tell the kids I love them.Copy !req
23. Yaah, wah! Yaaah! Ha-ha!Copy !req
24. Eh? Eh? What do you reckon?Copy !req
25. What do you reckon?
What do you reckon?Copy !req
26. She's always coming over
to my desk to "get a pencil"Copy !req
27. and, you know, brushing against
my shoulder and smelling my hair.Copy !req
28. It makes me feel
very uncomfortable.Copy !req
29. So basically, you're accusing Claire
of sexual harassment in the workplace?Copy !req
30. No, I...Copy !req
31. Well, sort of.Copy !req
32. Well, let's get her in here,
see what she has to say.Copy !req
33. Claire,
can you come in here, please?Copy !req
34. I'll have to call you back.Copy !req
35. Ah, yes. Claire, come in
and shut the door, please.Copy !req
36. Claire, this is
a little bit delicate.Copy !req
37. Mike says that you have been a bit
inappropriate in the office.Copy !req
38. What?Copy !req
39. Well, what do you mean?
It's just it sometimes feels...Copy !req
40. I feel a little bit uncomfortable
sometimes with the touching.Copy !req
41. I'm sorry, genuinely. I thought I
was just being, you know, friendly.Copy !req
42. She was just being friendly,
and from my point of view,Copy !req
43. I don't know what you
were complaining about.Copy !req
44. Martin! I know this seemsCopy !req
45. like a lot of fuss about nothing,
but if I were a woman...Copy !req
46. Maintenance!Copy !req
47. Yep, come on in. Oh,
I'm really not comfortable with...Copy !req
48. It's fine. Just something with the
wires in the ceilings,Copy !req
49. none of them can speak any English
anyway. Sorry.Copy !req
50. Sorry. Mike, you were saying?Copy !req
51. I was just saying, I think
you would take thisCopy !req
52. a lot more seriously
if I were a woman.Copy !req
53. Yes, you're right, Mike.Copy !req
54. Perhaps I was being unfair.Copy !req
55. Sorry, Mike. Claire?Copy !req
56. Yeah, I'll make more of an effort to
respect your personal space, Mike.Copy !req
57. Thanks. There, that's all sorted.Copy !req
58. I think we'd probably better stay
here until he's finished. Yes.Copy !req
59. So, got any exciting plans
for the weekend?Copy !req
60. Not really. Not really, no.Copy !req
61. Yeah, yeah, me neither.Copy !req
62. I am going to Center Parcs!Copy !req
63. It's Saturday night.
It's 6.38pm, and it's timeCopy !req
64. for the various top
entertainment show,Copy !req
65. Reports Mode.Copy !req
66. Good evening. Good evening,
und welcome.Copy !req
67. Zat's enough about
ze time of day,Copy !req
68. so let's get straight down to show business.
Sharpen your pencils!Copy !req
69. It's Report One!Copy !req
70. Tickety bonk!Copy !req
71. Stable at 5.6.Copy !req
72. 0.2 above the arithmetic mean,
so... arty-farty!Copy !req
73. Now, hold on to your helmets...Copy !req
74. ..as we head down to the quarry
for Report Four.Copy !req
75. Everyone a crackpot.Copy !req
76. Get it? Stop. I am killing you!Copy !req
77. Und now,
Reports Mode correction time.Copy !req
78. Thank you, Feldman.Copy !req
79. Hmm.Copy !req
80. Of course, as many of you spotted in
last week's Report Two,Copy !req
81. Cell DS
should have read "moderate".Copy !req
82. Honky tonky.Copy !req
83. So let's take a break from
all these reports to seeCopy !req
84. how we at Reports Mode
are doing in efficiency.Copy !req
85. Our levels have been maintained,
as they always must be!Copy !req
86. Isn't that right, captain?Copy !req
87. Ha-ha! That's right!Copy !req
88. So this Deep South sketch...Copy !req
89. Yeah? Are we doing the accents?Copy !req
90. Yes, of course
we're doing the accents.Copy !req
91. We're also wearing the costumes!Copy !req
92. What did you think we were going
to do - just hold the script up?Copy !req
93. All right. You'd love that,
wouldn't you?Copy !req
94. No, in fact, I'll tell you what your ideal
sketch show would be. Oh, please do!Copy !req
95. It's us, wearing dinner jackets,
sitting behind a deskCopy !req
96. reading the scripts
to camera on autocue.Copy !req
97. Finished now? "Hello, welcome
to the sketches." Evidently not.Copy !req
98. "Interior day. A shop. A gentlemanCopy !req
99. whose attire proclaims him to be from
the southern United States enters.Copy !req
100. "Ah, Mr
Beauregard, good day to you.Copy !req
101. "And good day to you too, Harlan."Copy !req
102. Couldn't think of another
southern surname?Copy !req
103. The point is we're
doing the accents.Copy !req
104. Can you do a southern American
accent? Of course I can. Go on then.Copy !req
105. Boss Hog!Copy !req
106. Bass Hag! Ba-ss Ha-ag!Copy !req
107. Are all the lines in
this sketch "Boss Hog"?Copy !req
108. I can say other things, too.Copy !req
109. Ah'm just a girl who cayn't say no,Copy !req
110. ah'm in a terrible fix.Copy !req
111. That's Welsh!Copy !req
112. Mammy, mammy, tear down the curtains
and make me a drey-ess. That's backwards!Copy !req
113. Y'all, y'all...Copy !req
114. bawl, mawl, cawl...Copy !req
115. Here.Copy !req
116. That was very good. Thank you.Copy !req
117. All you have to do now is teach me
how to do it, and we're away.Copy !req
118. Mr Beauregard, good
day. A very good day to you, Harlan.Copy !req
119. The designs are ready and waiting,
if you step this way.Copy !req
120. To clarify, this is for everyone in
your club to wear, not just the leaders?Copy !req
121. No, no, no. This is for all of us.Copy !req
122. We require a smart,
functional uniform thatCopy !req
123. identifies us and gives us
a certain authority.Copy !req
124. Exactly as I thought. Well,
I think you'll find this is perfect.Copy !req
125. What the hell is that?
I knew you'd like it.Copy !req
126. It's a ghost costume!Copy !req
127. No, it's imposing and awe-inspiring.Copy !req
128. It is if you're nine.
And scared of ghosts.Copy !req
129. Otherwise, it's a big nightie.Copy !req
130. Oh, you're being very unfair.Copy !req
131. And what's this all about,
the pointy hat?Copy !req
132. It will make you look taller.
It will not!Copy !req
133. What it will make us look
is pointier.Copy !req
134. But you specifically asked
for a pointy hat.Copy !req
135. I meant like a tricorne hat, like
a highwayman, not a Rapunzel hat.Copy !req
136. Look, just try it on.
That's all I ask.Copy !req
137. Once you see the effect...Copy !req
138. Oh, terrific! That's the
perfect finishing touch, that is.Copy !req
139. Would you say you have
an unusually small head? No!Copy !req
140. All right, fine. Fine.
I can cut eye holes. Eye holes?Copy !req
141. It will increase your mystique.Copy !req
142. Perhaps you're under
some misapprehension.Copy !req
143. My companions and I have
banded together to promoteCopy !req
144. the resurgence of the ConfederacyCopy !req
145. and subjugate the insolent slave
race, not to go trick or treating!Copy !req
146. And what's this? "KKK"?Copy !req
147. It's the initials of your society.Copy !req
148. The initials
of the Confederate Campaigners' Club?Copy !req
149. Er, no.Copy !req
150. No, no, of course not. It's, um...Copy !req
151. I came up with a new name.
We don't want a new name.Copy !req
152. Yes, you do. Mine's much better.
What is it, then?Copy !req
153. What is it? It's the...Copy !req
154. The K-k-k... Er...Copy !req
155. Funny, it's just gone out of my head.
Goodbye. Wait! Wait!Copy !req
156. It's the K-k-ku Klux Klan.Copy !req
157. The Ku Klux Klan?Copy !req
158. Yes.Copy !req
159. Those are just meaningless noises.Copy !req
160. How are we supposed to
introduce ourselves to people?Copy !req
161. "Hello. We're the new death-dealing
militia of white supremacy.Copy !req
162. "We're called the Ku Klux Klan.Copy !req
163. "Affiliated with the Whip Whap
Whop and the Bingly Bongly Boo.Copy !req
164. "We're easy to recognise - we're the
ones wearing bed sheets and peeking outCopy !req
165. "through the eye holes in the massive
pointy hats we wear over our faces."Copy !req
166. You don't like it.
Fine. There's the other one.Copy !req
167. I never thought you'd like that one.
This is the good one.Copy !req
168. This will strike fear into
the hearts of your enemies.Copy !req
169. That's a massive little girl.Copy !req
170. Exactly! What could be scarier
than a massive little girl? Freaky!Copy !req
171. So this is it - for our big,
inaugural rally tomorrow nightCopy !req
172. we either have to go dressed
as pointy ghosts or enormous girls?Copy !req
173. Well, I'm sorry. It never occurred
to me you wouldn't like either.Copy !req
174. Fine! We'll take 60 pointy ghosts,
but I'll expect a discount.Copy !req
175. Why, Harlan, you did it!Copy !req
176. You'll make those bigots
look like tway-ats.Copy !req
177. We said we're not doing the accent.Copy !req
178. Minister, we've run every
model through the computerCopy !req
179. and it looks like there just are
no easy solutions to this recession.Copy !req
180. Raising VAT, cutting VAT,
raising interest rates.Copy !req
181. Raising interest rates and VAT,
lowering income tax and raising VAT...Copy !req
182. None of it seems to really help.Copy !req
183. Have you tried "Kill all the poor"?Copy !req
184. Sir, with respect,
we've had this conversation before.Copy !req
185. Just saying, have you tried it?
Of course we haven't.Copy !req
186. We're not going to try it.
I'm not saying DO it.Copy !req
187. Just saying run it through
the computer, see if it works.Copy !req
188. Whether it works
is not the issue.Copy !req
189. You think it might work?
that's pretty right wing.Copy !req
190. No, I don't think it will work.Copy !req
191. I think it might. It wouldn't!Copy !req
192. Why not?
Because they do all the...Copy !req
193. You know, they clean all...Copy !req
194. We need them for all the things
that we don't fancy.Copy !req
195. Aren't you thinking of immigrants?
There's an easy solution.Copy !req
196. Just run it through the computer
and check. Well...Copy !req
197. No! I can't believe you haven't
done it drunk as a joke! What?Copy !req
198. Well, just do it quickly.
I'm not going to do it. Why not?Copy !req
199. Because it's offensive and evil.Copy !req
200. The computer's
not going to be offended.Copy !req
201. The computer will say, "No, it
wouldn't help to kill all the poor"Copy !req
202. and I'll stop going
on about it.Copy !req
203. All right, then.Copy !req
204. There. See? Satisfied?Copy !req
205. Have you tried, "Raise VAT
and kill all the poor"?Copy !req
206. Look, we're just fact finding!Copy !req
207. Why do you so want to kill
all the poor, sir?Copy !req
208. I don't to do anything of the sort, but
it's important to know if it would help.Copy !req
209. Of course it wouldn't help.Copy !req
210. The computer says it wouldn't
help, so we're not doing it.Copy !req
211. That's why we're not doing it?Copy !req
212. What? That's the only reason
why we're not doing it?Copy !req
213. Bloody hell. Now
I'm offended.Copy !req
214. I'm sorry? I shouldn't have
asked you to run that through.Copy !req
215. If it had come out positive, you'd
have started work by now!Copy !req
216. Here I am, blue-sky thinking amongst
friends, and I didn't realise it wasCopy !req
217. only cold-hearted pragmatism
that was keeping youCopy !req
218. from pumping gas into Lidl.
I'm confused, sir.Copy !req
219. Just because a computer says
that killing all the poor will helpCopy !req
220. the economy, doesn't mean I'm going
to do it. It's morally wrong, Ann.Copy !req
221. That's why we can run it
through the computer,Copy !req
222. because whatever it says,
we're not doing it.Copy !req
223. That's the page I'm on, Ann.Copy !req
224. Are you going to burn the book? No.Copy !req
225. We were pretty sure
child brothels wouldCopy !req
226. help with arts funding,
but does that mean we did it?Copy !req
227. No, never got beyond
the pilot scheme in Yeovil.Copy !req
228. You're quite right, sir.
I'm sorry if I in any wayCopy !req
229. cast aspersions on your commitment
to the sanctity of all human life.Copy !req
230. It's all right, guys. It's clear
what we need to do - shave 0.5%Copy !req
231. off interest rates,
shore up the pound,Copy !req
232. keep VAT steady for now and
round up all the dwarves.Copy !req
233. Yes, Minister.Copy !req
234. You're watching the British
Emergency Broadcasting System.Copy !req
235. The time is...
slipping inexorably away.Copy !req
236. And to help with that, as usual,
it's the Quiz Broadcast.Copy !req
237. Hello, good evening,
and remain indoors unless infected!Copy !req
238. Hopefully not infected are
our three contestants tonight.Copy !req
239. I'm infected.Copy !req
240. Bad luck, professor.Copy !req
241. And our other contestants are Peter,
who you may remember... Hello.Copy !req
242. .. and Sheila, who you're also
permitted to remember. Yes.Copy !req
243. Sheila, when we last saw you,Copy !req
244. you were being taken off to be
voltage-calmed. Is that right?Copy !req
245. Yes. How was it?Copy !req
246. Yes.Copy !req
247. That's great. Yes.Copy !req
248. Is it true
you can only say yes now?Copy !req
249. Yes.Copy !req
250. Where you answering me
or did you just say thatCopy !req
251. because you can only say yes?
Yes.Copy !req
252. So you can say other things?Copy !req
253. Yes.Copy !req
254. That's priceless.Copy !req
255. That really is TV gold!Copy !req
256. Please do not attempt to use
this programme as currency.Copy !req
257. Barter is forbidden
and punishable by exposure.Copy !req
258. So, our first round, as ever,
is the quiz round.Copy !req
259. Fingers on hands, please.Copy !req
260. And that's the alarming alarm.Copy !req
261. Do not be alarmed.
It means it's time for music round.Copy !req
262. Have a look at this clip.Copy !req
263. I can't.Copy !req
264. Yes. Beautiful.Copy !req
265. But that's enough
about our star prize.Copy !req
266. I bet you'd like to win that,
wouldn't you, Sheila? Yes.Copy !req
267. Change the bloody record...Copy !req
268. ..is the name of our music round.
Let's bring on the bloody record.Copy !req
269. What is the link between the
bloody record and The Event?Copy !req
270. Is it A, unknown?Copy !req
271. B, known, but prohibited?Copy !req
272. Or C, yes.Copy !req
273. Sheila? Yes.Copy !req
274. Do you mean C? Yes.Copy !req
275. Bad luck, Sheila, so close, but the
answer is, of course, A, unknown. Yes.Copy !req
276. Happy birthday, happy birthday,
happy birthday to us.Copy !req
277. That's right, Prayer And A Pint
is 41 years old this week.Copy !req
278. Hello there, I'm Donny Cosy,
and I hope you can join me forCopy !req
279. this very special Prayer And A Pint,
which this week comes to youCopy !req
280. from the beautiful city
of Tehran in the East.Copy !req
281. Mention Iraq to most people,
and they'llCopy !req
282. probably think of those Indiana
Jones-type fellows on the news,Copy !req
283. but there's also a
lot of skiing here.Copy !req
284. But that may be because, as Azid
here has just kindly pointed out,Copy !req
285. Tehran is, in fact, the capital
of Iran and not in Iraq at all,Copy !req
286. which may explain what happened to
Cherie Lunghi and Max Headroom,Copy !req
287. who I was hoping would be joining me
for this week's show.Copy !req
288. But I'm very happy with
the company I've got hereCopy !req
289. and there's no mistaking
what I'm tucking into.Copy !req
290. Something you probably wouldn't
associate with Tehran,Copy !req
291. it's a Boots egg and cress sandwich
that I bought at the airport.Copy !req
292. Cracking stuff.Copy !req
293. And here, of course,Copy !req
294. is me birthday pint.Copy !req
295. Yalla yalla, lads.Copy !req
296. Is that ethanol?Copy !req
297. Kaliber mixed with ethanol.Copy !req
298. Well...Copy !req
299. Well, now it's time... now
it's time for a hymn. And ourCopy !req
300. request this week comes from Phil...Copy !req
301. Phil and Meg McQueen
of Sulky Abbot in Bumsex.Copy !req
302. And they've askedCopy !req
303. for All I Want To Do,
All I Want To Do, All I Want...Copy !req
304. ..To Do Is Praise Him.Copy !req
305. My first day as a barrister,Copy !req
306. and I just don't know if I'm going
to be any good at barristering.Copy !req
307. Perhaps I can help.Copy !req
308. Where did you come from?
Were you hiding behind that pillar?Copy !req
309. No.Copy !req
310. Now, here's my advice.Copy !req
311. Take these.Copy !req
312. And drink them. But...Copy !req
313. No buts. Just drink.Copy !req
314. How do you feel?Copy !req
315. Actually, I feel rather good. Thanks.Copy !req
316. Erm, I said thanks.Copy !req
317. It's all right.Copy !req
318. Yes! I got that guy off that vicious sex
murder even though he obviously did it.Copy !req
319. Have you been there the whole time?Copy !req
320. Erm, yes.Copy !req
321. Why?Copy !req
322. Because I'm one of a group
of very important peopleCopy !req
323. who have been watching
you for quite a while.Copy !req
324. We've great plans for you,
which is why earlier,Copy !req
325. I let you in on one of the
world's greatest secrets.Copy !req
326. What secret? That everything
mankind doesCopy !req
327. is much, much easier
if you're ever-so-slightly drunk.Copy !req
328. That sensation you get between
half and three-quarters of the wayCopy !req
329. down your second drink of
the day, when you've justCopy !req
330. taken the edge off and feel
that anything is possible.Copy !req
331. How did you feel
after that wine I gave you?Copy !req
332. Like... anything was possible.Copy !req
333. Exactly.Copy !req
334. Come with me.Copy !req
335. Welcome to our secret headquarters
under the head offices of Oddbins.Copy !req
336. What is the point of a blindfoldCopy !req
337. if you tell everyone where we are?
Sorry. Forgot.Copy !req
338. But then again, I am slightly drunk.
As I hope you soon will be.Copy !req
339. Who are you people?Copy !req
340. We're a group bound by the creed
that humanity is better and moreCopy !req
341. noble after very nearly two drinks
than at any other time.Copy !req
342. We've been around for centuries.Copy !req
343. No-one knows quite how long,
but then it's hard to be preciseCopy !req
344. when you're constantly
slightly pissed.Copy !req
345. Suffice to say that
at all major historical events,Copy !req
346. we've been in the background,
gently swaying from side to side.Copy !req
347. My God,Copy !req
348. you're the Inebriati.Copy !req
349. I thought you were just a myth!Copy !req
350. Actually, we prefer the term
Knights Tippler.Copy !req
351. Aren't you supposed to be evil?Copy !req
352. You've been reading
too much fiction, young man.Copy !req
353. We're a force for good,
sworn to maintain a levelCopy !req
354. of just enough smashed-ness
to make everything feel lovely.Copy !req
355. But how? Our methods are subtle.Copy !req
356. I, myself, have a claret drip.Copy !req
357. I have a can of Special Brew pumping
slowly and constantly into my stomach.Copy !req
358. You may have noticed me snacking
regularly on liqueur chocolates.Copy !req
359. Ugh, Drambuie. And Malcolm over there's
about to administer himself withCopy !req
360. one of his hourly Cointreau enemas.Copy !req
361. Bottoms up.Copy !req
362. Are you sure you aren't evil?Copy !req
363. We may have made
one or two mistakes.Copy !req
364. It's basically our fault that if
you press delete in Microsoft WordCopy !req
365. it puts the whole document into
eight point Times New RomanCopy !req
366. whether you want it to or not.Copy !req
367. But overall,
we come out very much in credit.Copy !req
368. What do you want with me?Copy !req
369. Today's youth is all binge-drinking
maniacs and tight-arsed teetotallers.Copy !req
370. That will inevitably lead to a whole
new generation of Stalins and Hitlers.Copy !req
371. Hmm. Will it, though?Copy !req
372. Yes!Copy !req
373. Which is why we need fresh, young,
lovely, slightly drunk people like you.Copy !req
374. After all, no gently drink-wobbly
person could ever commit genocide.Copy !req
375. They'd be too busy buying crisps, or
trying to remember the Oscar-winningCopy !req
376. films of the '70s,
or just having a small nap.Copy !req
377. With our backing, you'll be
President of the World in 10 years.Copy !req
378. The only condition is that
you must never, everCopy !req
379. have any more than slightly
less than two drinks.Copy !req
380. Never?Copy !req
381. Never. Beyond that state
of mild intoxicated perfection liesCopy !req
382. drunken madness, third pints,
kebabs and destruction.Copy !req
383. So, what do you say?Copy !req
384. Violent crime has dropped to zero
since you added the equivalentCopy !req
385. of a glass and a half of rose
per person to the water supply.Copy !req
386. Who could possibly want to fight
after a lovely bit of rose?Copy !req
387. Indeed. And the way you averted
that Third World War...Copy !req
388. All I had to do was get a couple
of creme de menthesCopy !req
389. down Ahmadinejad and Bin Laden,
and they loosened right up.Copy !req
390. Your boozy bonhomie has
served the world well,Copy !req
391. like a more effective Ken Clarke.
We thank you.Copy !req
392. Well, no, thank you. Cheers.Copy !req
393. No! You finished your second drink!Copy !req
394. Surely it can't do any harm.Copy !req
395. Whoops. You know,Copy !req
396. a man with access to nuclear weapons
really should never get a bit fighty.Copy !req
397. You tit.
Might as well get shitfaced now.Copy !req
398. Yeah.Copy !req