1. Welcome back to
Late Night Dog Poker here on Dave.Copy !req
2. Yes, Late Night Dog Poker -
rejected by the BBC, chosen by Dave.Copy !req
3. It's just something we're trying.Copy !req
4. And we've got an absolutely cracking night
of Late Night Dog Poker in prospect.Copy !req
5. And I, for one, am very excited.Copy !req
6. What about you, Peter?Copy !req
7. Very excited, Ted.Copy !req
8. Now, I defer to you, Peter,
as being a bit more au faitCopy !req
9. with the...
Are they called rules in poker?Copy !req
10. We do call them "rules".Copy !req
11. With the rules.
So, Peter is the resident card shark.Copy !req
12. Yes. Even though his lifetime poker
winnings are 300 grand less than mine.Copy !req
13. But... you've never won
any money playing poker, Ted.Copy !req
14. You walked into that one, Peter.Copy !req
15. But it's not Peter's money that the
dogs will be playing with tonight.Copy !req
16. Whose money will
they be playing with, then?Copy !req
17. That's not clear.Copy !req
18. That's one of the many things
about this show that's not yet clear.Copy !req
19. I wish I was at the Crucible now.Copy !req
20. We both do, Peter. We both do.Copy !req
21. Have you been hoarding GOLD,Copy !req
22. got hordes of unwanted GOLD
lying around?Copy !req
23. If you send it to Dosh4gold, you can
turn that GOLD into cold hard DOSH.Copy !req
24. I sent in my hoarded GOLD
from my first pillageCopy !req
25. and I was amazed how much DOSH
Dosh4gold sent me.Copy !req
26. LOADS of actual DOSH! Ha-har!Copy !req
27. Just pop your gold
into this totally secure envelope,Copy !req
28. post it to us at Dosh4gold,
and we'll send you some dosh...Copy !req
29. in this totally secure envelope.Copy !req
30. I sent in my hoarded gold,
and with this dosh I received,Copy !req
31. I bought a whole new identity
and a bread maker.Copy !req
32. Thank you, Dosh4gold!Copy !req
33. With the price of GOLD at a high,Copy !req
34. there's never been a better time
to get DOSH for it.Copy !req
35. Remember, we are a multi-billion
dollar international companyCopy !req
36. and not a front for a greedy dragon.Copy !req
37. So if you aren't happy
with the DOSH we send,Copy !req
38. we'll be happy to return your gold
in this envelope.Copy !req
39. So long as you don't mind it melty.Copy !req
40. Call us NOW. NOW is the best time
to swap your gold,Copy !req
41. which does not burn in a dragon's
fiery breath, for paper, which does.Copy !req
42. Do it NOW. Send us gold, NOW!
Send us more gold, NOW!Copy !req
43. Well done on the Comic Relief thing.Copy !req
44. Oh, one does one's best.Copy !req
45. You can really dance!Copy !req
46. I'd just never have thought
you could dance.Copy !req
47. It's quite a revelation.Copy !req
48. Just never have imagined it.Copy !req
49. No, neither would I.
I'd never have imagined it.Copy !req
50. You got hidden talents, James?Copy !req
51. Yes, I can put a lighter
up each nostril.Copy !req
52. Um... Oh, here you go.Copy !req
53. Oh, you see, I never would've
imagined you could do that.Copy !req
54. I never would've
imagined that.Copy !req
55. What about you, David,
got any hidden talents?Copy !req
56. Just cunnilingus.Copy !req
57. Oh, yeah.Copy !req
58. Oh, yeah! Yeah. Oh, yeah.Copy !req
59. Yeah.Copy !req
60. Oh, yeah.Copy !req
61. Oh, yeah. Yeah.Copy !req
62. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Yeah.Copy !req
63. Oh, yeah. Yeah. OH, yeah. OH, yeah.Copy !req
64. Oh, yeah. Yeah? Oh, yeah.Copy !req
65. 'Coming up on
The Gift Shop Sketch...'Copy !req
66. Can I help you?
I'm looking for a gift for my aunt.Copy !req
67. 'Brian is looking
for a gift for his aunt.'Copy !req
68. I'm looking for a gift for my aunt.Copy !req
69. 'Has he come to the right place?Copy !req
70. 'Find out, in part two of...
The Gift Shop Sketch.Copy !req
71. 'In The Gift Shop Sketch so far,
Brian...'Copy !req
72. Can I help you, sir? '..is looking
for a gift for his aunt.'Copy !req
73. I'm looking for a gift for my aunt.
You've come to the right place.Copy !req
74. 'Has he come to the right
place?' You've comeCopy !req
75. to the right place,
this is a gift shop.Copy !req
76. Yes, this is what I was thinking.
'But is Brian thinking right?Copy !req
77. 'He thinks he's in the right place,
will he get that gift he needs?'Copy !req
78. I'm looking for a gift for my aunt.Copy !req
79. 'Find out, in part three of...
The Gift Shop Sketch.Copy !req
80. 'Coming up
in The Gift Shop Sketch...'Copy !req
81. How about this dog?Copy !req
82. 'The shopkeeper makes a suggestion.'
How about this dog?Copy !req
83. 'What will Brian's reaction be?'Copy !req
84. I'm looking for a gift for my aunt.
'But what sort?'Copy !req
85. How about this dog?Copy !req
86. 'We know the shopkeeper says that,
but what does Brian, who's...'Copy !req
87. Looking for a gift for my aunt.
'.. say before that?'Copy !req
88. The sort of gift that, if it were
a quote, it would be apposite.Copy !req
89. How about this
woollen dog?Copy !req
90. 'Does the shopkeeper have
a woollen dog? Will Brian like it?Copy !req
91. 'Find out in part four of...
The Gift Shop Sketch!Copy !req
92. 'Previously on
The Gift Shop Sketch.'Copy !req
93. This woollen dog? Yes,
I'm looking for a gift for my aunt.Copy !req
94. 'Coming up in part four.' Perfect,
it's like you've met my aunt!Copy !req
95. 'What does Brian say that about?'
How about this woollen dog?Copy !req
96. 'Is it that?' This woollen dog?
It's like you've met my aunt!Copy !req
97. 'Coming up in The Gift Shop Sketch -
the end of The Gift Shop Sketch.'Copy !req
98. Eh? 'But first,
the bit before the end.'Copy !req
99. That's perfect, it's like you've met
my aunt! Yes, she's my aunt too.Copy !req
100. Daddy! 'And now the end.'Copy !req
101. Eh? 'And now, them both together.'Copy !req
102. That's perfect, it's like you've
met my aunt! Yes, she's my aunt too.Copy !req
103. Daddy! Eh?Copy !req
104. 'Which is a world away
from how it started.'Copy !req
105. I'm looking for a gift for my aunt.Copy !req
106. 'Next week on The Gift Shop Sketch.'Copy !req
107. Can I help you, sir?
'Until then... goodnight.'Copy !req
108. Can I help you, sir?
I'm looking for a gift for my aunt.Copy !req
109. You've come to the right place,
this is a gift shop.Copy !req
110. This is what I was thinking.
What were you looking for?Copy !req
111. The sort of thing that, if it were
a quote, it would be apposite.Copy !req
112. How about this woollen dog?Copy !req
113. Perfect,
it's like you've met my aunt!Copy !req
114. Yes, she's my aunt too.Copy !req
115. Daddy! Eh?Copy !req
116. What a lovely walk!Copy !req
117. We had a lovely walk, didn't we?Copy !req
118. Right then, where's Monkey?
Where's Monkey gone?Copy !req
119. Monkey goes,
"Monkey, monkey, monkey."Copy !req
120. Since when? Up yours! Up yours!Copy !req
121. Let's find Monkey!Copy !req
122. Monkey's gone missing, hasn't he?Copy !req
123. A bit like Mummy's libido or
sense of fun. Up yours! Up yours!Copy !req
124. Here he is!Copy !req
125. Perhaps Mummy's libido
would return fasterCopy !req
126. if Daddy
weren't such a smelly alcoholic!Copy !req
127. Let's give Monkey a kiss.Copy !req
128. Oh! Does Monkey want
to give you a kiss?Copy !req
129. Give me the Monkey. Up yours!Copy !req
130. Yes! Here comes a kiss from Monkey.Copy !req
131. It's nicer than being
kissed by Daddy, isn't it?Copy !req
132. Being kissed by Daddy is
like a close encounterCopy !req
133. with Satan's arsehole, isn't it?
Up yours! Up yours!Copy !req
134. What a lovely smile.Copy !req
135. Good girl!Copy !req
136. We apologise for
that temporary loss of transmission.Copy !req
137. We can now return you to...
The Quiz Broadcast.Copy !req
138. No! No, Peter!Copy !req
139. You can't open the box,
it's not that part of the round yet!Copy !req
140. There's food inside,
you said there was food!Copy !req
141. No! You can't open it,
you've got to guess!Copy !req
142. I'm too hungry to guess!Copy !req
143. THUMP!Copy !req
144. Oh! Oh!Copy !req
145. Now calm down
or I'll tranquillise you!Copy !req
146. We ate the tranquillisers days ago.
Give me the box!Copy !req
147. There are rules!Copy !req
148. No, I've followed the rules
for too long, where's my food?Copy !req
149. Look, Sheila's playing
the game properly.Copy !req
150. If we play the game,
I'm sure the food will come.Copy !req
151. They won't leave us here.Copy !req
152. We play the game,
then the food will come.Copy !req
153. Exactly, now get back
on your podium and do the boxes.Copy !req
154. That's better.Copy !req
155. Now, Peter,
it's time to play Open The Box!Copy !req
156. We can't open the boxes anyway.
Yes, we can. Of course, we can.Copy !req
157. They're welded shut.Copy !req
158. The engineer will help us...Copy !req
159. when he comes back.Copy !req
160. He's not coming back -Copy !req
161. one of his shoes
fell out of the ducting.Copy !req
162. It had a foot in it.Copy !req
163. He has been taken up!Copy !req
164. I'm sure he just left his foot
as a promise that he'll be back soon.Copy !req
165. Peter, will you please guess how
much the first box is worth in money?Copy !req
166. Come on. I don't know... 25 money.Copy !req
167. Good guess, possibly.Copy !req
168. And Sheila? We ate his foot.Copy !req
169. Yes, we did eat his foot, Sheila,
but... how much is the box worth?Copy !req
170. I don't know!Copy !req
171. Another good guess.
Well done, both of you.Copy !req
172. And that means it's time to remain indoors
and see what the banker has to offer!Copy !req
173. No, still no-one there.Copy !req
174. I can't remember her face.Copy !req
175. So, this is our famous Late Night
Poker under-the-table angle.Copy !req
176. This allows us to see what cards
the various dogs are holding.Copy !req
177. Well, you say "holding"... Just go
with it, Peter. It's not working out.Copy !req
178. If you didn't want to end
up here, you should neverCopy !req
179. have said that thing
about Dame Kelly Holmes.Copy !req
180. All I said was... Don't, Peter.Copy !req
181. All I said... Why? Why say it again?Copy !req
182. I said that... Peter.Copy !req
183. We're down to Late Night Dog Poker,Copy !req
184. say it again and then what?Copy !req
185. Fish golf? All I said...Copy !req
186. An... An interesting
play there, from the...Copy !req
187. That dog. Yes.Copy !req
188. An interesting play there, by...Copy !req
189. that dog.Copy !req
190. It's amazing, isn't it? How well these
dogs have taken to the game of poker?Copy !req
191. Well, it's certainly a big hit
compared to Dog Snooker.Copy !req
192. Dog Snooker
was a bit of misstep by Dave.Copy !req
193. In hindsight,Copy !req
194. they were always going
to shit in the pockets.Copy !req
195. Merry Christmas, Hennimore.Copy !req
196. My, God!
What's happened to your face?Copy !req
197. Sorry, sir, the doctor says
it's brought on by stress. What?Copy !req
198. You shouldn't be
consulting doctors, Hennimore,Copy !req
199. you work for Capulets Caplets,Copy !req
200. the country's leading
pharmaceutical manufacturer.Copy !req
201. Here, try one of our new
voice-activated nerve-cure pills.Copy !req
202. Doesn't seem to be working, sir.Copy !req
203. Ah, here's the science bit -Copy !req
204. they're voice-activated, triggered
in this instance, and all instances,Copy !req
205. by the phrase, "Merry Christmas!"Copy !req
206. It's a miracle! No, the
un-sexualised birthCopy !req
207. of our tiny Lord Jesus
Christ is a miracle,Copy !req
208. a miracle that we at this company
have not lost sight ofCopy !req
209. with our annual award-winning
all-male living crib,Copy !req
210. where the winner of the company's
bonniest baby competitionCopy !req
211. is rewarded with the role
of the aforementioned infant God.Copy !req
212. Quite the honour, sir.
This year, I've developed a pillCopy !req
213. to make the celebrations
go with a swing.Copy !req
214. Don't worry, Hennimore,
I'm not talking about Ecstasy or PCP,Copy !req
215. this isn't some injectile morphiate
or backstreet sphincter loosener,Copy !req
216. it's just wholesome
Christmas-y goodwill,Copy !req
217. the spirit of love
and giving in a tablet,Copy !req
218. also activated
by the phrase, "Merry Christmas."Copy !req
219. I call it Ding Dong Merrily
On High, and it's up to youCopy !req
220. to slip 600 of these into
the pre-crib party punchCopy !req
221. while I show the Archbishop
of Milton Keynes round the building.Copy !req
222. The Archbishop of Milton Keynes?Copy !req
223. Yes. His Grace is honouring us
with a viewing of our famous crib.Copy !req
224. Isn't he the one...?
Nothing was ever proved.Copy !req
225. On an unrelated note, our
other big Christmas sellerCopy !req
226. is to be the erectile
dysfunction refunctioniser.Copy !req
227. There's nothing like ChristmasCopy !req
228. for getting in the mood for
one last go at intercourse.Copy !req
229. It's being marketed as Dong Merrily
On High as I'm reliably informedCopy !req
230. that Dong is a slang word
for tallywhacker or piss piglet.Copy !req
231. It too is activated by the festive
phrase, "Merry Christmas,"Copy !req
232. and it's up to you to hand 600
of those over to the courier,Copy !req
233. who'll be distributing themCopy !req
234. to the country's 50 most
flaccid branches of Boots.Copy !req
235. Right you are, sir.Copy !req
236. I'm very relaxed about
this assignment, Hennimore,Copy !req
237. and I can see little possibility
of any piss-piglet-up.Copy !req
238. The lob-on enabler is clearly
labelled Dong Merrily On High,Copy !req
239. and the Christmas-cheer bringer
Ding Dong Merrily On High,Copy !req
240. but for a ding-dong
with the printers -Copy !req
241. they've omitted
the first word. Clear?Copy !req
242. Er... honestly?Copy !req
243. Good lad.Copy !req
244. And here, Your Grace,
is our award-winning crib,Copy !req
245. featuring the winner
of our bonniest baby competition,Copy !req
246. and he is certainly an attractive
little mite, as everyone here agrees.Copy !req
247. Merry Christmas!Copy !req
248. Hennimore!Copy !req
249. Wouldn't it be great to make everyone
think we'd landed on the moon?Copy !req
250. That'd show the Soviets.
What would it show them?Copy !req
251. Well, they'd think we'd landed on
the moon and they'd be all afraid.Copy !req
252. Do this right and the Cold War
could be over by 1971.Copy !req
253. Why don't we just release
the footage of the Mars landings?Copy !req
254. No, no. It's vitally importantCopy !req
255. that we keep the successful
mission to Mars a secret,Copy !req
256. but I've got a hunch that if
we pretend to land on the moon,Copy !req
257. that will be in some way
intimidating. Will people believe us?Copy !req
258. Oh, I'm sure they will.Copy !req
259. To the extent that we won't even need to
bother to pay much attention to detail,Copy !req
260. with regard to flags
and shadows, and so on.Copy !req
261. You're the top spy when it comes to
misleading footage, what do you suggest?Copy !req
262. Well, to start with, we'll need
to build a massive rocket.Copy !req
263. Why? We're not going. Sorry, I thought
that was the point. Have I got this wrong?Copy !req
264. We'll need a rocketCopy !req
265. because the first question people
will ask when we show the footageCopy !req
266. will be, "How did you get there?"Copy !req
267. So we'll have to be able to say,Copy !req
268. "We went in that massive
rocket you saw."Copy !req
269. Hmm. So, we're not actually going
to make any kind of savingCopy !req
270. in terms of the cost
of a massive rocket?Copy !req
271. No, but we will be making
a saving on the costCopy !req
272. of actually going to the moon.Copy !req
273. True, and what costs are involved
in actually going to the moon?Copy !req
274. Well, the main one, to be honest,
is the massive rocket.Copy !req
275. Any others?Copy !req
276. Well, other than that,
it's mainly catering.Copy !req
277. So we'll make a saving on that?Copy !req
278. Well, no. In fact,
it'll probably be more expensiveCopy !req
279. to cater for an entire film crew
for the duration of a shootCopy !req
280. than it would be
to feed three astronauts.Copy !req
281. So, erm...Copy !req
282. I'm just wondering, we have to buildCopy !req
283. the massive rocket capable
of going to the moon?Copy !req
284. We will have to do that, yes.Copy !req
285. So, I was just thinking,
if we've built the moon rocket,Copy !req
286. might it not be cheaper to just pop to
the moon and fake the footage there?Copy !req
287. Fake the footage of the fake
moon landing on the moon?Copy !req
288. What if people found out?Copy !req
289. That's a risk
we're just going to have to take.Copy !req
290. So, you know how you were saying
you were really good at cunnilingus?Copy !req
291. Yes.Copy !req
292. So, you're really good
at cunnilingus?Copy !req
293. Yes, I am. What?Copy !req
294. Well, nothing. Just, um...Copy !req
295. Well, no-one else
seemed very surprised.Copy !req
296. And you are surprised?
No. No, I'm not.Copy !req
297. I'm not saying I'm surprised, I'm
not saying I'm unsurprised. I'm...Copy !req
298. I'm surprised, I'm really surprised.Copy !req
299. Right. I mean, how...Copy !req
300. D'you mind talking about this?Copy !req
301. Not at all, what do you need to know?Copy !req
302. Well, I suppose
I'm just asking, you know,Copy !req
303. when did you...Copy !req
304. I mean, who told you that you...Copy !req
305. Cuni... Um... What?Copy !req
306. Look, Rob, I'm very,
very good at cunnilingus.Copy !req
307. I'm not boasting, I have a natural
aptitude and I've practised very hard.Copy !req
308. Ultimately,
I'm good at it because I love it.Copy !req
309. I love women. Do you?Copy !req
310. And it's all about the woman.Copy !req
311. It's about making
the woman feel comfortable.Copy !req
312. It's just about giving yourself over
to the moment.Copy !req
313. Sharing yourself completely with
the most intimate part of her sex.Copy !req
314. Her fanny? Yes.Copy !req
315. Her fanny. Right.Copy !req
316. Look, Rob,
there's no need to be jealous.Copy !req
317. I can teach you to be
good at cunnilingus.Copy !req
318. How are you going
to do that?Copy !req
319. Sorry, Mike,
could I have a quick word?Copy !req
320. Er, yeah.Copy !req
321. Just in my office, if you don't mind,
not in front of everyone else.Copy !req
322. A bit private. OK.
Just, er, come on in.Copy !req
323. Just come on in.
Just come on in, Mike.Copy !req
324. Shut the door, will you?Copy !req
325. Take a seat, Mike.Copy !req
326. Actually, I'll stand.Copy !req
327. Fair enough. Now, Mike, I'm afraid
it's been brought to my attention...Copy !req
328. Actually, I can't really look you
in the eye because of the plant.Copy !req
329. Why don't I stand?Copy !req
330. Er... Actually, tell you what,
I'll come round.Copy !req
331. Now, Mike, people in the office,
and I'm not going to say who,Copy !req
332. have noticed that you've been
borrowing office photocopier paperCopy !req
333. for your home printer. No, I haven't.Copy !req
334. Yes, you have, Mike.Copy !req
335. This was found on the staff
notice board. What was? This.Copy !req
336. What?
This, that I'm holding in my hand.Copy !req
337. I can't see. Oh. Yeah, OK.
Hang on. Hang on just a sec.Copy !req
338. This, Mike.Copy !req
339. Oh, that. That's just
an invitation to my barbecue.Copy !req
340. Yes, it is, Mike,Copy !req
341. and it's printed on paper
watermarked with the M3 Digital logo,Copy !req
342. who a) supply laser printer
and photocopier paper to this office,Copy !req
343. and b) do not supply
to the general public...Copy !req
344. Sorry.Copy !req
345. Anyway. So, you've been
taking office paper home,Copy !req
346. or you've been printing out non-work
related materials on office equipment.Copy !req
347. Either way, that's not acceptable
from someone working in this office.Copy !req
348. All right, Martin, I did take some
paper, but it was only a few sheets.Copy !req
349. It wasn't just a few sheets, Mike.Copy !req
350. I'm going to have
to get Alan in here.Copy !req
351. Could you pass me
the phone please, Mike?Copy !req
352. Mike, please, the phone. Yeah, I...Copy !req
353. I can't really get to... Er, ahem.Copy !req
354. Alan, can you come in here, please?Copy !req
355. Come on in, Alan.Copy !req
356. Martin. Mike.Copy !req
357. Now, Alan, could you please
tell Mike what you told me.Copy !req
358. Mike, I saw you take
three reams of paperCopy !req
359. from the photocopier
last ThursdayCopy !req
360. and put them in your car.Copy !req
361. Oh, shit! Don't worry, Mike,
it's not a serious offence.Copy !req
362. I've not called you in here
to sack you, just relax.Copy !req
363. It's not a warning,
it's a pre-warning.Copy !req
364. OK. Sorry, Martin,
it won't happen again.Copy !req
365. No hard feelings, Mike.Copy !req
366. Just get back to your desk and get
those orders coming in. Will do.Copy !req
367. Oh, and, er, Mike...Copy !req
368. I'd love to come
to your barbecue on Sunday.Copy !req
369. OK, see you then.Copy !req
370. Oh, erm, Alan,
would you mind staying?Copy !req
371. I've got some stuff through from head
office to discuss with you. Sure, Martin.Copy !req
372. Bye, Mike, see you Sunday. Bye.Copy !req
373. Bye, Mike. See you, Alan. Bye.Copy !req
374. Bye, Mike.Copy !req
375. Actually, Mike,
you might as well stay for this.Copy !req
376. Right, OK.Copy !req
377. And you join us as the dogs continue
to play to the best of their abilities.Copy !req
378. And we've decided,
for the sake of speed,Copy !req
379. to take any disturbance
of the chips at all as a bet.Copy !req
380. And yet still, none of the dogs has
knocked out any of the other dogs.Copy !req
381. Now, Peter, if you were this young
Chihuahua, which card would you play?Copy !req
382. Well, you don't really have
to play cards in poker, Ted,Copy !req
383. you just get them.Copy !req
384. Right, so it's not like Whist?Copy !req
385. What, where each dog has
to hold a hand, or should I say paw,Copy !req
386. of 13 cards and then plays
them in sequence following suit?Copy !req
387. Yeah. No.Copy !req
388. I think even Dave thought
that was a bit ambitious.Copy !req
389. So, if it's not like Whist,Copy !req
390. is it like Strip Jack Naked,
or Stop The Bus? No.Copy !req
391. What about Draw The Well Dry
or Bullshit?Copy !req
392. It is quite like Bullshit.Copy !req
393. That... That St Bernard seems
to be getting the hang of it.Copy !req
394. Is that a St Bernard?Copy !req
395. I don't know, Ted.
I don't know anything about dogs.Copy !req
396. Neither do I, Peter.Copy !req
397. And I don't know anything
about poker either.Copy !req
398. What I know about is snooker.Copy !req
399. Well, then, you shouldn't have tried
to finger Hazel. I did not finger Hazel.Copy !req
400. I didn't say you fingered Hazel,Copy !req
401. I said you shouldn't
have tried to finger Hazel. Lesbian.Copy !req
402. No, it is a St Bernard.Copy !req
403. Have you got any old, unwanted or
unsecured plutonium just lying around?Copy !req
404. If you send it to Cash4plutonium,Copy !req
405. you can turn it
into cold, hard CASH!Copy !req
406. I had some plutonium left over
from the Cold War.Copy !req
407. I wasn't expecting to get much cash,Copy !req
408. but Cash4Plutonium sent me
LOTS of cash for my plutonium!Copy !req
409. Your old, useless and unwanted
plutonium could be feedingCopy !req
410. mankind's never-ending appetite
for self-destruction.Copy !req
411. Pop your plutonium into
this totally secure envelope,Copy !req
412. post it to us at the address
on your screen,Copy !req
413. and we'll send you some cash.Copy !req
414. With the cash we got for
our unsecured plutonium,Copy !req
415. we bought more plutonium.Copy !req
416. Hum de la-la!Copy !req
417. If you're happy
with the CASH we offer,Copy !req
418. you could be holding that CASH in a
few days and not holding plutonium.Copy !req
419. And they do mean CASH.Copy !req
420. Remember,
money does not grow on trees,Copy !req
421. and come the nuclear winter,
neither will anything else.Copy !req
422. You can take the cash
and buy a plasma-screen TV,Copy !req
423. some fruit
or something you might like.Copy !req
424. It genuinely doesn't matter.Copy !req
425. We accept any old plutonium
you have stashed around the house -Copy !req
426. in your dresser draw, down the back
of the sofa or wherever you keep it.Copy !req
427. And we offer a better price than
other internet plutonium buyers.Copy !req
428. Thank you, Cash4plutonium!Copy !req
429. Remember, we are a reputable
international company,Copy !req
430. not a transparent front
for a crazed Bond villain.Copy !req
431. Call the number on your screen NOW.Copy !req
432. Swap your plutonium, which melts
your face, for cash, which doesn't.Copy !req
433. NOW, the reason for our
urgency should be apparent,Copy !req
434. this is plutonium
we're talking about.Copy !req
435. Really try to feel the spaceCopy !req
436. and feel the presence
of everyone around you.Copy !req
437. And then, try to imagine the world,Copy !req
438. the world that we're about
to create on the stage.Copy !req
439. Don't worry about the text
for the time being,Copy !req
440. put that to one side and just try
to feel your way through.Copy !req
441. And when you're ready,
vocalise it, make a sound.Copy !req
442. It doesn't have to be words,Copy !req
443. just a small honest sound
that tells me what you're feeling.Copy !req
444. Eugh-ew-uh!Copy !req
445. OK, very good, Steve.Copy !req
446. We cannot surrender!Copy !req
447. Oh, wonderful work.Copy !req
448. OK. Well, maybe that's a good time
to stop. Let's take five, everybody.Copy !req
449. Great.Copy !req
450. Paul, hi! I didn't think you were
going to make it to rehearsal.Copy !req
451. Yeah, I had that meeting,
but that's finished.Copy !req
452. Great, you can join us
for the afternoon session.Copy !req
453. Do you want to
lead the workshop?Copy !req
454. Actually, Mark, I wanted to
talk to you about something.Copy !req
455. I know what you're thinking - our devised
piece about Tiananmen Square isn't as...Copy !req
456. avant-garde as it should be, yeah.Copy !req
457. But it will be, I promise.
No, it wasn't that.Copy !req
458. I'm sure the devising process will
be as fulfilling and daring as ever.Copy !req
459. No, it's just
that I had this meeting and...Copy !req
460. Mark, when you've got a moment,
could I have a quick chat to youCopy !req
461. about an adaptation of
some of Sartre's writingCopy !req
462. I've been doing where
we're all blindfolded?Copy !req
463. I think it might
highlight multiculturalism.Copy !req
464. Oh, that's great, Steve,
that's great.Copy !req
465. But can you just give us a moment?Copy !req
466. Oh, sorry. Yes, sure.Copy !req
467. Er, my meeting.Copy !req
468. Who was it with, Paul?
It was with Lion Bars.Copy !req
469. You had a meeting with Lion Bars?Copy !req
470. It was the people
who make Lion Bars, and...Copy !req
471. And they were saying that Lion Bars
could sponsor our showCopy !req
472. if we put Lion Bars on the poster...Copy !req
473. and eat Lion Bars
all the way through it.Copy !req
474. Lion Bars?Copy !req
475. Yes, it's a pretty amazing deal
from the guys at Lion Bars.Copy !req
476. They were saying that we can have...Copy !req
477. pretty much
as many Lion Bars as we want,Copy !req
478. for the production
and for when we're rehearsing.Copy !req
479. Lion Bars? Yeah, look.Copy !req
480. That is literally nothingCopy !req
481. compared to the amount
of Lion Bars we could have.Copy !req
482. They were saying that, basically, we can
have an endless supply of Lion Bars.Copy !req
483. And then, if they give us loads
and loads of Lion Bars for the run,Copy !req
484. like more Lion Bars
than you've ever seen in one place,Copy !req
485. but then we run out because
we've been eating them on stage,Copy !req
486. and in the wings
when we're waiting to go onCopy !req
487. because we like
the chocolate so much,Copy !req
488. I could just go back
to the Lion Bar buildingCopy !req
489. and get a load more Lion Bars.Copy !req
490. They've got so many.Copy !req
491. Paul, we're trying to bring the
Tiananmen Square massacre to life,Copy !req
492. examining its drive
and its politics.Copy !req
493. I just don't think
that's going to workCopy !req
494. if everyone's eating Lion Bars
all the way through.Copy !req
495. Yeah, but look how much it
looks like a lion's mouth!Copy !req
496. Oh, that one didn't really work,
but you get the general idea.Copy !req
497. Roar! Oh. OK, well,
how much money are they offering?Copy !req
498. Money? Not money, Mark, Lion Bars.Copy !req
499. Lion Bars, not money.Copy !req
500. What do you mean, not money?Copy !req
501. Sorry, could I have a Lion Bar?Copy !req
502. You can have as many as you like, Steve,
they're free. Really? What, free-free?Copy !req
503. Yeah, just dig in, that's the
tip of the chocolate-y iceberg. Wow!Copy !req
504. That's amazing!Copy !req
505. Roar!Copy !req
506. That one worked.Copy !req
507. So, Steve, do you think
it would hurt your Sartre playCopy !req
508. if we were all eating Lion Bars
all the way through it?Copy !req
509. Would we get free Lion Bars?Copy !req
510. As many as we want.Copy !req
511. I think it would
make it brillianter!Copy !req
512. So, what d'you say, Mark?Copy !req
513. "Lion Bar presents a wafer,
caramel and crisp,Copy !req
514. "rice-covered indictment
of Tiananmen Square."Copy !req
515. Well...Copy !req
516. OK!Copy !req
517. Hooray! One-nil to theatre!Copy !req