That Mitchell and Webb Look 3x6

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Features some unusual telephone services, including all of Wagner's operas by text; some people have a bit of a problem with a giant evil robot; and Rob gives David a less-than-relaxing massage. Plus Barbieri, the 15th century's finest inventor comes up with the tin opener, just 500 years before the invention of the tin; and two Victorian brothers find their final farewell doesn't take as long as they expected.

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Subtitle languages: English • Spanish • Brazilian Portuguese

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1. This programme contains some strong language.

2. My Lord. Ah, Barbiarry,

3. what news - another invention? Yes, my Lord, the greatest yet.

4. I suspected as much. Very well, proceed.

5. Ah, you've invented the wooden mouse. Is that what you've been doing?

6. Oh, but this is no toy, my Lord - observe its secret.

7. A ball.

8. A ball, my Lord, which allows the device

9. to track minutely and accurately every movement of one's hand.

10. Very good. Yes.

11. And then? And then... you can click on it.

12. So you can. And what does that do?

13. That helps... the general effort.

14. Which is?

15. I'm not quite certain just yet, but, er...

16. Ooh! It's wireless.

17. It's what?

18. It doesn't have long, thin strands of metal coming out of it.

19. Granted, but you could say that about almost anything.

20. No, but you see, something tells me this sort of thing normally would do,

21. to help it communicate with the...

22. with the...

23. Yes? Ooh, it's on the tip of my mind.

24. Some wondrous thing with which one could do almost anything.

25. Some magical device. I...

26. I can't quite see it, but I do see very clearly that it would need one of these.

27. It would need a toy mouse with a ball in it.

28. Yes, and some anti-virus software.

29. What do almost any of those words mean?

30. Anti means against.

31. That was the one I knew. And the rest?

32. I don't know. It was all so clear this morning when I woke up

33. and scribbled it all down, but now...

34. now I just think I've gone a bit mad.

35. I see.

36. Thank you, Barbiarry.

37. I think this might be another candidate for my special cupboard,

38. along with the device for wiping clean a screen, which,

39. in as yet obscure circumstances, would shield one from the wind.

40. The device for extracting food that has somehow become encased in metal.

41. And, of course, the Sky Digibox,

42. which triumphs all.

43. Oh, shame about the other place.

44. Still, this looks nice. Well, it's only for tonight.

45. Hello, can you help me... can I help you?

46. Er, we were hoping to get a room for the night.

47. Of course - single or double?

48. A double. Excellent.

49. Cheers!

50. How many are there of you? Two.

51. So there are!

52. I'll put you in room three.

53. There may be a bit of sick on the floor,

54. but it's OK, it's only mine.

55. It came out when I was trying to change the duvet.

56. If you'd like to follow me to your room, my wife will take your bags.

57. Hello, I'm his wife!

58. Darling, could you take... could you take those bags up to room three,

59. or four, whichever you can find?

60. It's all right. I'm a man, really.

61. We met in the Army.

62. You've missed one. Another one?

63. Oh, don't mind if I do.

64. Excellent. Here we go.

65. These are some of the other guests.

66. Hello!

67. Don't bother introducing yourselves, they won't remember your names.

68. Between you and me, they're all pissed!

69. Here's your key, you won't need it.

70. A lot of our residents found getting the little key into the little hole

71. a bit fiddly, so we've had all the doors removed.

72. This is the en suite.

73. The full English breakfast is £10 or the continental is free.

74. What is the continental? It's wine.

75. If you need reception, just dial zero or one or four

76. or any of the numbers, really. It can be difficult to press one specific button.

77. Hope you have a lovely stay.

78. And on the sixth day,

79. God created man and woman to have dominion over the animals.

80. And on the seventh day, God rested.

81. And on the eighth day, God rested. And on the ninth day, God rested.

82. So he basically just rested and then drowned everyone

83. and invented the rainbow and then rested.

84. And that, Isaac, brings us pretty much up till now.

85. Thanks, Dad. Wow, the Lord sounds smart!

86. He is smart, especially those first six days

87. where he made everything, but also generally.

88. Now, run along and play in the grit. Great, bye!

89. Abraham! Lord!

90. Abraham!

91. Not interrupting, am I?

92. No, perfect timing. I was just telling my son

93. about all the wonderful ideas you've had.

94. Good, because, Abraham, actually, I've had another one.

95. Another idea? An idea from the Lord? Oh, please tell!

96. Yes, yes, I will and... OK.

97. And do tell me if you think this is, sort of...

98. well, out of order, you know.

99. What? Right.

100. Well, my new idea is...

101. human sacrifice!

102. What?

103. You know, human sacrifice.

104. I think you should kill someone

105. and I was thinking you should kill...

106. Ivan.

107. Ivan? Ivan.

108. Ivan, your son. Oh, Isaac.

109. Isaac. I'm so sorry, Isaac, yes, Isaac.

110. I think you should kill Isaac.

111. So, what...

112. what do you think?

113. Brilliant! Really?

114. Oh, yes, Lord, another winner.

115. Ivan, rustle up a pyre - we're making a sacrifice.

116. Ivan, I thought you said his name...

117. Oh, no, Ivan's a much better name, Lord, you were right.

118. I can't wait to see the look on his face.

119. You're sure you're fine with this?

120. Absolutely. You would say?

121. I would say what, Lord? Well, you know, if you thought

122. I was asking you to do something, you know, wrong.

123. If I thought it was wrong? Like I'd know(!)

124. Like I have any chance of forming an independent basis of right and wrong

125. outside the instructions of some supervisory being.

126. No, Lord, I am your bitch.

127. Yeah, OK, but... Finished the pyre, Dad.

128. Hello, Ivan. Where's the sacrifice?

129. Ooh, that's a good point - where is it?

130. Any ideas, Lord?

131. Um...

132. Oh, wait, I remember, it's there.

133. What? Yes, Isaac... Ivan,

134. the Lord's new idea is that I should sacrifice you.

135. Me? Brilliant! Yes.

136. On the fifth day he invented the birds and the fish, and today

137. he's invented me murdering my son.

138. Another winner, Lord! You're certainly not tinkering with

139. an already perfect creation, like some giant see-through George Lucas.

140. Hop on, Ivan.

141. Um...

142. Oh...

143. Here's a nice sturdy bit of flint, Dad.

144. No, um, hang on.

145. Well done, Ivan. Right, brace yourself, lad.

146. No, wait! Look, wait.

147. Yes, Lord?

148. It... it was a test!

149. Oh, a test.

150. Oh, what another brilliant idea!

151. He's so smart! Did we pass?

152. Oh, you really passed, Abraham, yes. Big tick.

153. Great! Well, do let us know if you have any other brilliant ideas, Lord.

154. Yes, I... Ooh, actually,

155. while you have that flint handy, I did have another, um... idea.

156. Yes?

157. Well, what if you were to...

158. Say if this is weird, but what if you were to cut off your son's...

159. Oh, what's it called? I can't think of the name, the skin around the...

160. Oh, I'll get back to you.

161. OK. Can't wait.

162. One zero, one zero, zero one, one zero zero.

163. Beg pardon, sir?

164. That's hello in computer, Hennimore.

165. I'm very excited about taking our first step into the space age.

166. This could revolutionise how quickly we work out

167. our payroll here at Tempranillo Gaps.

168. Now the most important thing to remember is blah blah blah blah blah

169. blah blah blah...

170. Oh, no, no, stop!

171. No, no, no... Go back in! No!

172. Oh, no, no, no...!

173. Clear? One zero, one one zero, sir.

174. Don't tell me to fuck off, Hennimore. Sorry, sir.

175. On an unrelated note, blah blah blah blah blah,

176. Russian delegation, blah blah blah blah,

177. here at four. Blah blah blah blah...

178. Blah blah blah, these state secrets about nuclear warheads. Blah blah blah...

179. Oh, no, don't do that!

180. Don't read that! No, please, don't! Nyet! Nyet! No, don't...

181. No!

182. Blah blah blah blah, lobster festival. Blah blah blah blah...

183. Blah blah blah blah, espionage. Blah blah blah blah.

184. And this time, I don't want any screw-ups! Is that clear?

185. Um...

186. Do svidaniya! Do svidaniya!

187. Do svidaniya! Do svidaniya!

188. Well, that went off without a hitch, Hennimore, well done.

189. Thank you, sir.

190. Hennimore!

191. Hi, everyone. Well, we're about a third of the way

192. into episode six of the series.

193. Hope you've enjoyed what you've seen so far,

194. but I'm afraid the money has now run out.

195. Episode six used to be paid for by DVD sales

196. and unfortunately they've gone through the floor in the last year or so

197. because of YouTube and torrenting,

198. which are great for the viewer, obviously,

199. because particularly with a sketch show, all the items can be up on YouTube

200. pretty much as soon as they've been broadcast, so why would you buy a DVD?

201. You'd have to be, you know... honest.

202. So, er, as I say, great for the viewer and/or casual criminal,

203. not such a boon for the programme makers.

204. But Rob and I are as ever really excited by new media challenges.

205. Onwards and upwards.

206. You may have heard that the BBC is selling these studios,

207. so we look forward to many years

208. of making a load of crap with a camcorder.

209. I mean, I'm excited by Dave.

210. I'm not one of the nay-sayers.

211. I mean, it's no BBC Three, but you can't have everything.

212. You may be wondering where Robert is. Obviously that's a budgetary thing -

213. we can only afford one of us from now on.

214. So, as I say, it is pretty much dross from here on in.

215. Oh, there he goes.

216. Where are you off to, Robert?

217. I thought I might try and flog some of these Peep Show box sets down the pub.

218. We used to get them free.

219. Yes, yes, we did, we...

220. we used to get them free.

221. Happier times.

222. You've probably noticed that that was a bit of a Morecambe and Wise reference.

223. Those were the days.

224. Those were the days.

225. The lights are going out all over television.

226. We shall not see them lit again in our lifetime.

227. We have had a lovely stay, lovely.

228. The chocolate liqueur on the pillow was a lovely touch.

229. And the whisky miniatures in the shower were a wonderful surprise.

230. Yes.

231. Although I will have to wash my hair again.

232. Did I tell you we met in the Army?

233. So, anyway, we'd better settle up.

234. Oh, yes, of course. How much do I owe you?

235. On the house.

236. Did I tell you we met in the Army?

237. THEN CRASH!

238. We had a problem with our car - it was all wobbly.

239. Good morning. We had a couple in here recently who looked just like you.

240. That was us, wasn't it?

241. No, no, they were different, they were leaving.

242. Well, I must have a double. Good idea, I think I'll join you.

243. The Planets Op32 - "Jupiter" by Gustav Holst

244. 'That's right - don't sit forward, you're too full.

245. 'Ah...

246. 'Toast the crumpet of your soul on these images.

247. 'Let out a puddingy burp and enjoy.

248. 'This is the ultimate Sunday afternoon chill-out DVD.

249. 'Over the next 14 hours,

250. 'we'll be lulling you into sofary oblivion with, among other things,

251. 'all the establishing shots from ITV's Kingdom.

252. 'But without anything as jolting as the plot.

253. 'Vicars walking across lawns,

254. 'some pretty objects from the Antiques Roadshow.

255. 'But instead of the stress of hearing what things are worth,

256. 'we just dubbed it over with the phrase "enough money to last forever".'

257. So you should look to insure it for...

258. 'Enough money to last forever.

259. 'A crossword being filled in with the names of characters from Dad's Army...

260. '.. and then smeared with delicious jam.

261. 'And exclusive footage of a Beefeater being hosed down with cream.'

262. Oh, lovely, I'll just turn round so you can do my back.

263. 'So sit back, stifle a horseradishy fart with a chintzy cushion

264. 'and immerse yourself in the audio-visual equivalent

265. 'of a hot bath of cake.'

266. Oh, I don't know if I've got the energy

267. to keep fighting the robots now.

268. 'That Sunday Sensation chill-out,

269. 'brought to you by your robot masters.'

270. Nice cup of tea, puny humans?

271. Come and sit down, Alison and Peter, this is a very exciting moment for me.

272. I'm blown away to be in the same room as the two people who came up with

273. my most favourite show of all time, Numberwang.

274. Now, let me introduce my team -

275. disabled ethnic, teenage poofter and woman.

276. Don't talk to them! They're just here to tick boxes.

277. And do you know what, none of them went to Oxford.

278. I love diversity. I went to Oxford.

279. Sorry, what I meant to say is I didn't go to Oxford.

280. I did!

281. So, it's fantastic to have you both here, Alison and Peter.

282. Amanda, get these guys some drugs. .. Amanda went to Oxford too,

283. by which I mean Amanda didn't go to Oxford either.

284. So, one question - how the hell did you ever come up with Numberwang?

285. Well, um... Peter, I don't want to know.

286. Please don't tell me. Great story, I'm not interested.

287. Now, I'm not gonna pretend to understand the creative process,

288. because I don't understand the creative process

289. and because I don't know how to pretend,

290. but we all agree that Numberwang has been off our screens for far too long,

291. so I want you to have a look at this.

292. This is a picture of a hot woman who let me touch her boob once, yes!

293. Don't look at the box tickers. See that ethnic one,

294. he'll be the head of News one day, if we let him, which we won't.

295. Now, here's a list of the kind of people that watch

296. the sort of programmes that we make.

297. Ah, your demographics. I don't like to use that word, Alison,

298. because I don't know what it means.

299. Now, the sort of person who watched Numberwang

300. was old, weird, had a hat, smelled and were Belgian,

301. which is brilliant in a way that is awful.

302. But nowadays we're appealing to a different kind of audience,

303. an audience that is young, diverse, youngly diverse, diversely young,

304. ethnically youthful and homosexually young,

305. and we think that that audience wants us to bring back Numberwang

306. in a way that retains all of its original features,

307. but is basically like Skins.

308. We've got this proposal...

309. Peter, I don't want to read your proposal,

310. I'm not gonna read it, I can't read it, I don't know how to read.

311. I used to know how to read, but when I took this job,

312. they burnt out a large part of my brain with a hot wire.

313. So answer this question in two words.

314. Can you make the programme - yes yes or no no?

315. No, no, we don't wanna make it. That's fantastic!

316. Here's some money, I want it by the beginning of next month. And remember,

317. young, young, youthy, young, teenagers, young people,

318. youthsome teenager, youngness, and above all, Numberwang!

319. Do it, make it now, make me the new Numberwang,

320. go and make the new Numberwang, bring me the new Numberwang!

321. Do it! Numberwang, Numberwang, Numberwang, Numberwang!

322. Amanda, can you get me some new pants in here, please?

323. I think I may have pissed myself and come at the same time.

324. I think there might be a documentary in it.

325. 'From the people who brought you Glucosade Port and Peakers Cressps

326. 'comes Marmitt. All the great taste of Marmite in a glove.'

327. This glove tastes of Marmite!

328. Are you all right? No, I just tried to eat a glove.

329. 'Marmitt - it's the great Marmite-tasting glove

330. 'that's not suitable for human consumption.'

331. I think he's dead.

332. Oh, my dear brother Philip, you look so thin.

333. Thank you for coming, Arthur.

334. Your brother is to be executed tonight.

335. You have half an hour, then you must leave.

336. But that's barbaric!

337. How am I supposed to say all I need to say

338. to my dear, innocent brother in half an hour?

339. Only half an hour. I know, it's terrible.

340. We have so much to say to each other, my dear brother.

341. Yes, yes, we do.

342. And so little time.

343. Yeah.

344. How is Mother? Fine.

345. Good.

346. And Father? Still dead.

347. And little Dorothy? Fine, yes.

348. Everyone's fine, we're all good, thanks. I mean,

349. really upset that you're getting executed, but that goes without saying.

350. Yeah, thanks.

351. Just 29 minutes left. I know.

352. Oh! Yes.

353. Any trouble getting here? No. Good.

354. So... so much to say.

355. Thanks for being such a great brother.

356. You're welcome, and likewise.

357. Thanks.

358. And, um...

359. Just twenty-eight-and-a-half minutes left.

360. Still so much to say.

361. Yeah.

362. And, er... thanks for being a great brother... Said that.

363. Getting executed... I'm fine...

364. Yeah, I'm just trying to think. Um... I think that's it.

365. Right... That actually didn't take as long as I thought.

366. No.

367. Look, I don't mind if you need to...

368. Shall I...? Yeah, you pop off. I'll be fine.

369. Well, you know. Yeah.

370. Well, goodbye then, Philip, my... my dear brother.

371. Goodbye.

372. Hello! Guard, I'm ready!

373. He's probably gone for a cup of tea.

374. He probably thought we were gonna use the whole...

375. The whole half an hour, yeah.

376. We probably gave him that impression, yes.

377. Let me out! I'm ready, let me out!

378. I'm finished! Let me out!

379. Let him out! For God's sake, let him out!

380. Let me out, let me out! Let him out of here!

381. Let me out, guard! We've finished! Let him out of here!