1. This programme contains
some strong languageCopy !req
2. Hello, the Nutritionist Partnership.Copy !req
3. Yeah...Copy !req
4. Yeah.Copy !req
5. Have you tried
turning it off and on again?Copy !req
6. No, sorry.
I used to work for an IT helpline.Copy !req
7. I mean, it sounds like
you're intolerant to wheat.Copy !req
8. Not at all! That'll be 60 quid.Copy !req
9. Bye now.Copy !req
10. Oh, my God, Mike! The game's up.
What's happened?Copy !req
11. I've got a woman in there
complaining of the usual stuff -Copy !req
12. you know, sometimes she's tired,
sometimes she's full,Copy !req
13. sometimes she's hungry, friends
have complained of her moaning.Copy !req
14. Textbook stuff. Fine.Copy !req
15. So I hit her with, "Have you tried
cutting wheat out of your diet?"Copy !req
16. and then started printing off the bill,
like usual, and it doesn't work!Copy !req
17. Have you tried
turning it off and on again?Copy !req
18. No! Not the printer, the patter!Copy !req
19. She said, "I'm definitely
not intolerant to wheat,"Copy !req
20. which leaves me pretty much stumped.Copy !req
21. Usually they just pay up and all those
feelings of sluggishness get maskedCopy !req
22. by the more strong feeling of, you know,
really wishing they could have some toast.Copy !req
23. OK, don't panic.
If she's not buying wheat, try dairy.Copy !req
24. Have you told her that we all smell
of off-milk to the Japanese?Copy !req
25. She said she didn't care!Copy !req
26. Blimey.Copy !req
27. So what I was wondering was,Copy !req
28. shall I still try and flog her
the gluten-free vegan ready mealCopy !req
29. or will she spot
that it's just boxes of rice?Copy !req
30. No, don't even try.
You need to bring out the big guns.Copy !req
31. I'm gonna go online now
and buy you another doctorateCopy !req
32. and I want you to go in there and
demand to have a look at her shit.Copy !req
33. Blimey!Copy !req
34. Then charge her top dollar for the
most ridiculous personal diet planCopy !req
35. that no human
could ever stick to and live.Copy !req
36. That way either she diesCopy !req
37. or she can't complain,
because she didn't stick to her plan.Copy !req
38. OK.Copy !req
39. And make sure you tell her
that there's loads of fat in crisps.Copy !req
40. It's irrelevant,
but it is at least true.Copy !req
41. Off you go. I've got to go on The One Show
in a minute to talk about super foodsCopy !req
42. and I haven't made one up yet.Copy !req
43. I dare you to say it's white veal.Copy !req
44. You're on.Copy !req
45. So, moving on.Copy !req
46. Um, things are still looking a bit
ragged around the Scottish border,Copy !req
47. so I thought what we needed to do
is create some new earldom,Copy !req
48. put all the major castles under thatCopy !req
49. and get someone to really organise
and streamline the whole operation.Copy !req
50. So, er, who's up for that, then?Copy !req
51. Sire, as your foremost northern Lord,
I feel perhaps I may be best placed...Copy !req
52. Ooh. Really?Copy !req
53. I thought this might be one for...
Lucentio.Copy !req
54. What? Again? Problem?Copy !req
55. Well, no. I just think that Lucentio's got
quite a lot on his plate at the moment.Copy !req
56. Has he?Copy !req
57. Well, yes. He's Lord Chancellor,
Archbishop of Canterbury,Copy !req
58. Lord High Admiral, Lord Privy Seal...Copy !req
59. Stop it!Copy !req
60. Keeper of the Royal Money,
Taster of the Royal Cake,Copy !req
61. King's Most Favourite Fellow, Chief
Wardrobe Adviser and Plague Tsar.Copy !req
62. Oh, come on, guys.
He is our top guy.Copy !req
63. I mean, no offence, fellas,Copy !req
64. but, you know, I always say
my other barons bring me problems,Copy !req
65. Lucentio brings me solutions.Copy !req
66. What was that, Northumberland?
Er, nothing.Copy !req
67. With respect, Your Majesty,
what solutions?Copy !req
68. I mean, what's he actually done?Copy !req
69. I don't know where to start!
What hasn't he done?Copy !req
70. All right, what hasn't he done?Copy !req
71. He hasn't won a war with France.Copy !req
72. Now, now! That wasn't
Lucentio's fault. .. Was it?Copy !req
73. The French were on bloody good form
that day, bloody good form.Copy !req
74. And you've got to hand it to them...
What?Copy !req
75. Normandy. We had to hand it to them.Copy !req
76. Well... yes, yes. All right,
but I mean, come on, guys.Copy !req
77. I mean, you all like Lucentio, yeah?Copy !req
78. Um... Yeah!Copy !req
79. I mean, you all like Lucentio
as much as I do, right?Copy !req
80. N-N-N...Copy !req
81. I don't think we all like him
quite as much as you do.Copy !req
82. Well, he speaks very highly
of you, Warwick.Copy !req
83. "I've really come to see
Warwick as a friend."Copy !req
84. He was saying that to me
just the other day, weren't you?Copy !req
85. Yeah, thanks.Copy !req
86. Um...Copy !req
87. Thanks, Lucentio.Copy !req
88. Christ!Copy !req
89. See! That's better. Good!Copy !req
90. Right! So Lucentio
is Earl of the Northern Marches.Copy !req
91. Right, what's next?Copy !req
92. Oh, yes! OK, so it's Lucentio's
half-birthday next week.Copy !req
93. So, who's got a daughter
who's a virgin?Copy !req
94. Oh, God!Copy !req
95. What?Copy !req
96. I just got a text from Phil -Copy !req
97. "Sorry, can't make it to your party.Copy !req
98. "Day after we move.
Will be in unpacking hell."Copy !req
99. What's wrong with that?
It's fair enough.Copy !req
100. Yeah, but he's only saying that
to make sure I know he's moving,Copy !req
101. because the last time I moved,
he helped me,Copy !req
102. and he wants to make sure
I return the favour.Copy !req
103. I think you're reading
too much into it.Copy !req
104. No, no. I'm reading
the follow-up text.Copy !req
105. "Phil's just saying that, because
the last time you moved he helped youCopy !req
106. "and he wants to make sure
you return the favour."Copy !req
107. Why would he text that?Copy !req
108. And why is he referring to himself
in the third person?Copy !req
109. Is that a new phone?Copy !req
110. Yeah. Ah, that'll be it, then.Copy !req
111. You've got subtext turned on.Copy !req
112. What?Copy !req
113. It's a whole new thing. With every text
you get a free subtext. Look, hold on.Copy !req
114. Message one -Copy !req
115. "Brilliant review in the Independent,
Rob, that's more like it!"Copy !req
116. Message two -
"Sarah is only saying thatCopy !req
117. "to let you know she's read
the awful review in the Telegraph,Copy !req
118. "the one that goes on and on
about your teeth."Copy !req
119. Oh.Copy !req
120. What now?Copy !req
121. I'm just texting Phil back
something jokey and non-committal,Copy !req
122. but it's come out as -Copy !req
123. "My failure to help you moveCopy !req
124. "will hasten the decline
of an already dying friendship.Copy !req
125. "We won't meet again until a chance
encounter in a branch of Halfords in 2013Copy !req
126. "which will end in my buying
a cycle helmet I have no need of,Copy !req
127. "just to avoid
going for a drink with you."Copy !req
128. Ah. You've got predictive text on.Copy !req
129. 'It's the education debate
that just won't go away.'Copy !req
130. Amazing!Copy !req
131. 'Both Government and examining boards have
found themselves under fire this weekCopy !req
132. 'when it was announced that in this
year's A levels, everyone got an A.'Copy !req
133. Wow! You got A's!Copy !req
134. So, what did you get?Copy !req
135. 14 A's.Copy !req
136. And you?Copy !req
137. Ah!Copy !req
138. Well, it's been a wonderful yearCopy !req
139. and it's great to see the students
letting their hair downCopy !req
140. and taking some well-earned
recreational time.Copy !req
141. And what do you say to
the claim that the exams have got easier?Copy !req
142. Which is up? Which is up?Copy !req
143. Why can't people accept the simple
fact that every year for the last 30,Copy !req
144. teenagers have grown empirically
cleverer by between 3 and 7%Copy !req
145. without a single dip ever.Copy !req
146. But, of course,
with so many successful students,Copy !req
147. the pressure on university places
is greater than ever.Copy !req
148. Well, of course, everyone's got
such excellent results these daysCopy !req
149. that it's impossible
to tell them apart,Copy !req
150. so we've had to go back to nepotism.Copy !req
151. What about meritocracy?
Social mobility?Copy !req
152. What happens to children
from poorer backgrounds?Copy !req
153. Well, they have
all these A's these days,Copy !req
154. but then so do the posh kids,Copy !req
155. and the posh kids are expected
to go to university,Copy !req
156. so we feel the kindest thing
is to let them.Copy !req
157. Strong words there from the Regius
Professor of Philosophy and GCSE Textiles.Copy !req
158. Education Minister,
what's your response?Copy !req
159. I just find it very sad
that at this time of year,Copy !req
160. the chattering classes
seek to disparage...Copy !req
161. "Disparage"? Slag off.Copy !req
162. Oh. Sorry, the Words Module stopped
being compulsory the year above me.Copy !req
163. ..seek to slag off the achievements
of our nation's youth.Copy !req
164. But how do you respond to fears that the
knock-on effect of easier and easier examsCopy !req
165. will inevitably lead to a decline
in our very civilisation?Copy !req
166. That's an utterly spurious
hypothesis.Copy !req
167. Where?Copy !req
168. And by the time that happened,
we'd notice.Copy !req
169. Minister, thank you.Copy !req
170. Well, coming up next on BBC Two,
something of a treat for culture vultures,Copy !req
171. Lesley Garrett and Dr David Starkey
introduce footage of kittens falling over.Copy !req
172. Good night.Copy !req
173. Toilets upstairs, coffee machine in
the stairwell. Be careful, though,Copy !req
174. it doesn't take £2 coinsCopy !req
175. and the espresso
tastes like boiled shoes.Copy !req
176. Right, everyone, listen up!Copy !req
177. This is Detective Constable Mike
Bussmann, he'll be joining us from today.Copy !req
178. I'd like you all to make him
feel very welcome,Copy !req
179. subject to the provisions of
the Sexual Harassment Act of 1975.Copy !req
180. Right, back to work!Copy !req
181. Er, Mike, you'll be working
with one of the old school,Copy !req
182. Detective Sergeant Alan Christmas.Copy !req
183. Christmas! What?Copy !req
184. Christmas, meet your new partner.Copy !req
185. Er, Mike Bussmann. Good to meet you.Copy !req
186. Ooh! Sorry about that.Copy !req
187. Always get a bit repeaty
after sprouts.Copy !req
188. So, you're the new boy, eh?Copy !req
189. Well, come on, let's get going.Copy !req
190. Oh, I'm driving, am I?Copy !req
191. Well, I'm not.Copy !req
192. I've had 15 sweet sherries already
this morning.Copy !req
193. RADIO PLAYS "Silent Night"Copy !req
194. Have you had all the green triangles?Copy !req
195. No, Sarge, I haven't touched 'em.Copy !req
196. Aitken's running the biggest
counterfeiting operationCopy !req
197. in the southeast in there.Copy !req
198. Bank notes, forged passports,Copy !req
199. those little V-shaped tickets
you get at the deli counter.Copy !req
200. You name it, he'll print it.Copy !req
201. Cracker?Copy !req
202. Another one?Copy !req
203. Got two gross of these
to get through, you know.Copy !req
204. Oh, that's nice.Copy !req
205. A little hair clip
in the shape of a butterfly.Copy !req
206. Except the butterfly's
got a cat's face.Copy !req
207. Don't they have
some unusual animals in China?Copy !req
208. Are we waiting for Aitken?
Not likely.Copy !req
209. He spends most of the year
on Canvey Island as a tax dodge.Copy !req
210. "Why did the dog bark?"Copy !req
211. What?Copy !req
212. "Because dog is
hello boy himself gratefully."Copy !req
213. Should have got the ones from M&S.Copy !req
214. Sarge...Copy !req
215. Must be Knowles.Copy !req
216. What's he doing?Copy !req
217. Er...Copy !req
218. Exchanging something.Copy !req
219. Ah, plain brown parcel.Copy !req
220. That'll be socks.Copy !req
221. It's cash. Cash! Typical.Copy !req
222. Where's the thought?Copy !req
223. A real present should be something
home-made. I blame book tokens.Copy !req
224. They're looking this way.Copy !req
225. Quick! Get down.Copy !req
226. It looks like they're making their
move. Right, it's now or never.Copy !req
227. Let's nick 'em.Copy !req
228. Sorry. Sorry.
I haven't missed the Queen, have I?Copy !req
229. Oh.Copy !req
230. It's always sadder
at this time of year.Copy !req
231. So, HMS Lucentio it is.Copy !req
232. Good name.Copy !req
233. Right! So, I think that
just about wraps it up for today.Copy !req
234. Um... Could I have a quick word,
Your Majesty?Copy !req
235. Yes, of course.Copy !req
236. See you in a minute, Luch.Copy !req
237. It's... It's about Lucentio.Copy !req
238. Oh, good! Isn't he great?Copy !req
239. Yes. Yes. But, um...Copy !req
240. Well, what we were all wonderingCopy !req
241. is whether you might like
to have sex with him.Copy !req
242. What? Have sex with a man?
What are you talking about?Copy !req
243. Well, it's a bit left-field,
I know, but hear me out.Copy !req
244. OK.Copy !req
245. What we were wondering
is what it is you like about him.Copy !req
246. Well, he's just so brilliant!Copy !req
247. I mean, you know, he's full of ideas,
he's just so good at stuff...Copy !req
248. He's committed, he's a team player,
he's just a great guy to have around.Copy !req
249. Right. And you're sure
it's not just that you'd...Copy !req
250. you'd quite like to, you know,
really... give him one?Copy !req
251. No, I don't think so.Copy !req
252. Well, I just wanted to say
that if it was that,Copy !req
253. then we'd all be fine about it.Copy !req
254. I mean, technically,
we think it means you'd go to hell,Copy !req
255. but, you know, that's long term,
and we'd totally support you.Copy !req
256. Right.Copy !req
257. Cos, just think about this.
Are you absolutely 100%Copy !req
258. that instead of giving him
every important job in the kingdom,Copy !req
259. many of which he has, to put it
nicely, completely screwed up,Copy !req
260. you wouldn't rather just have a bit
of a massive sweaty tumble with him,Copy !req
261. while the rest of us, you know,
sort out the admin?Copy !req
262. Oh, I see.Copy !req
263. And it would mean
that Lucentio was a lot less busy,Copy !req
264. was away a lot less.Copy !req
265. He's always away. Is he?Copy !req
266. I miss him when he's away.
I can't really sleep.Copy !req
267. So, what I'm saying is...Copy !req
268. He smells good, I will say that.
Right.Copy !req
269. God, he smells good!Copy !req
270. Yes, so...Copy !req
271. What's stopping you?Copy !req
272. Well...Copy !req
273. Do you think he'd be interested?Copy !req
274. Well, he... He barely touched
Northumberland's virgin.Copy !req
275. That's true.Copy !req
276. I think you're definitely in there,
Your Majesty.Copy !req
277. Do you think?Copy !req
278. Yeah, but remember -Copy !req
279. just to have sex with him and not
to give him loads of important jobs.Copy !req
280. OK, well, er... wish me luck.Copy !req
281. I mean, we're both cellists with
the National Orchestra of Sweden,Copy !req
282. which is great for us, but...Copy !req
283. But it does involve spending
quite a lot of time in Sweden.Copy !req
284. So that's quite a lot of travelling
with our cellos,Copy !req
285. which are quite heavy.Copy !req
286. Which are heavy.Copy !req
287. You know, putting the cellos in the car
and taking the cellos to the airport,Copy !req
288. going through check-in
with our cellos.Copy !req
289. So the choice is...
um, move to Sweden, which...Copy !req
290. N-N-N-N... N-N-N...Copy !req
291. Or the only logical alternative -Copy !req
292. turn our house
into an international airport.Copy !req
293. Well, it's been three months since
I last talked to Ben and Kerry BishopCopy !req
294. about their dream of turning
their three-bedroom terraced houseCopy !req
295. here in Peterborough
into an international airport.Copy !req
296. So, let's see how they've been
getting on.Copy !req
297. So, we're here in your garden.Copy !req
298. Er, you know what question
I'm gonna ask, don't you?Copy !req
299. Where's the airport?
Where's the airport?Copy !req
300. Yeah. Well, it's turning out to be
quite a lot harder workCopy !req
301. than we thought, isn't it?Copy !req
302. Yeah. It sounds boring,Copy !req
303. but it really just comes down
to a question of space.Copy !req
304. I mean, Ben started work
on the first runway,Copy !req
305. which was gonna go sort of here.Copy !req
306. But then BA, amongst others,
were very strict about the length.Copy !req
307. Yeah, they've been really inflexible
about the length of the runway, actually.Copy !req
308. How long do they say it's gotta be?Copy !req
309. About two miles.Copy !req
310. Right. That's quite a lot longer
than your garden.Copy !req
311. Well, it is... horizontally.Copy !req
312. But we offered
to make the runway vertical.Copy !req
313. I mean, just dig down for two miles.Copy !req
314. But then the council got involvedCopy !req
315. and said that we were gonna run
into problems with pipes and cablesCopy !req
316. and ultimately... magma.Copy !req
317. All right. So you've run into
a bit of red tape and delays.Copy !req
318. How's that affected the budget?Copy !req
319. Well, the original budget was £23,000,
which I know sounds like a lot, but...Copy !req
320. Yeah, it sounds a lot,
but we want to do it properly.Copy !req
321. Yeah, exactly. Um, but now it's...
Well, it's really leapt up to, um...Copy !req
322. What is it now? 84...
£86 million.Copy !req
323. Where did the other two million
come from?Copy !req
324. Fire engines.Copy !req
325. You see, at this rate, we're gonna
have to sell another cello.Copy !req
326. Ah, Hennimore!Copy !req
327. Why aren't you wearing that
name badge I had made up for you?Copy !req
328. Oh, sorry, sir! I forgot, sir!Copy !req
329. I didn't know your first name
was Nontgonery.Copy !req
330. Oh, yes, sir!Copy !req
331. Well, make sure you wear that
always, Hennimore.Copy !req
332. How can we
at Munnery Municipal NamebadgesCopy !req
333. expect to sell name badges to the world,
if we don't wear them ourselves?Copy !req
334. Quite right, sir.Copy !req
335. Now, I know there have been
a few problems with morale recently,Copy !req
336. what with all this nonsense
people have been spreadingCopy !req
337. about our printing press
confusing Ns and Ms.Copy !req
338. I designed the printing press myselfCopy !req
339. and just ran up this sign to prove that
there's absolutely nothing wrong with it.Copy !req
340. You can read that sign clear as
a bell, can't you, Hennimore? Er...Copy !req
341. It says - Need a name mnemomic?
You need a name badge!Copy !req
342. So make sure to make that phone call
to Munnery Municipal Namebadges.Copy !req
343. We're a namebadge phenomenon. OK?Copy !req
344. Right, sir.Copy !req
345. So, in order to get everyone's spirits up,
I'm organising a clubs and societies dayCopy !req
346. and have agreed that
the Murder In The Dark ClubCopy !req
347. may use my office
to play their terrifying game.Copy !req
348. So you need to be here
at four o'clockCopy !req
349. to let them in
when I shall be in a neeting.Copy !req
350. Did you say "neeting", sir? Mo.Copy !req
351. On an unrelated note,
one of my wife's charities,Copy !req
352. the Society For Nervous Incontinents,Copy !req
353. are holding their annual wine tasting
in a room just up the corridor.Copy !req
354. It's a lovely day
for those poor peopleCopy !req
355. and they all get
massively full-up on wine.Copy !req
356. Oh, that's nice, sir.Copy !req
357. Now, it's barely worth my mentioning
what a disaster it would beCopy !req
358. if a group of full-bladdered
nervous incontinentsCopy !req
359. were in any way to come into contact
with what the Murder In The Dark ClubCopy !req
360. are hoping will be their most
shock-filled session to date.Copy !req
361. I can see that, sir.Copy !req
362. So, for the avoidance of doubt,
I've run up a couple of signsCopy !req
363. for you to put up
on the respective doors.Copy !req
364. Initially, I went with these.Copy !req
365. Nervous Incontinents Tasting Day
on your left, of course,Copy !req
366. and Murder In The Dark to my right.Copy !req
367. But then I thought, "Hold on!"Copy !req
368. Belt and braces! What about
all this N and M confusion?Copy !req
369. So instead, I've gone with these.Copy !req
370. For some reason, I seem
to have put MOT instead of NOT,Copy !req
371. but I can't see that being a problem.Copy !req
372. So, you just need to make sure you get
the right notice up on the left door,Copy !req
373. by which I mean the correct door,
and you should have no problems at all.Copy !req
374. This time, Hennimore, I could not
have made things easier for you!Copy !req
375. Hennimore!Copy !req
376. Being a prosto's brilliant!Copy !req
377. I mean, it is our
most serious work to date.Copy !req
378. Thanks.Copy !req
379. But then, that's because the story we
were telling was so important to us.Copy !req
380. Yeah. I mean, when you see
a prostitute on the television,Copy !req
381. it's all drugs, knives,Copy !req
382. beatings, babies and AIDS.Copy !req
383. And it is all those things,Copy !req
384. but we wanted to show
the positive side, you know,Copy !req
385. how sexy it all is.Copy !req
386. I mean, a lot of these women
are feminists,Copy !req
387. that they feel empowered by, um...Copy !req
388. By... Hang on.Copy !req
389. By being able to earn a living.Copy !req
390. Yeah. Yeah, the one I went with -
for research -Copy !req
391. she had A levels,
a flat, mobile phone.Copy !req
392. You know, she was doing it
cos she wanted to.Copy !req
393. She didn't want to, you know...Copy !req
394. Starve.Copy !req
395. Temp.Copy !req
396. She didn't want to temp.
She loved it.Copy !req
397. She told me
she really fancied me, actually.Copy !req
398. Do you think she meant it?Copy !req
399. Course she meant it!Copy !req
400. Why would she say it,
if she didn't mean it?Copy !req
401. I can't believe you're a prostitute!Copy !req
402. We did our degrees together
at university.Copy !req
403. Yeah! But who wants to be
a doctor or a lawyerCopy !req
404. when you can be a prostitute,
like me. A proper one, I mean.Copy !req
405. Not one of those grim ones.Copy !req
406. A nice, pretty, clean one,
which, in reality, most of us are.Copy !req
407. What? You mean it's like having
a shish kebab rather than a doner?Copy !req
408. You're less likely to get ill?
Exactly.Copy !req
409. I mean, those grim street-corner
ones are just a media myth, anyway.Copy !req
410. Most working girls...
"Working girls"?Copy !req
411. Oh, it's just a feminist word
for prostitute.Copy !req
412. Most of us are having a brilliant
time, having brilliant sexCopy !req
413. with really interesting men,
like, um, writers...Copy !req
414. or screenwriters...Copy !req
415. or men from London who write for TV.Copy !req
416. Yeah, I mean some people have said
that it's all just male fantasy.Copy !req
417. Lesbians! Mainly lesbians.Copy !req
418. I mean, some normal people, as well.Copy !req
419. But what these lesbians
don't realiseCopy !req
420. is that the whole show comes out of
real conversations with real hookers.Copy !req
421. I mean, this is real-life drama.Copy !req
422. It's so real,Copy !req
423. it's basically just like
a documentary that we've made up.Copy !req
424. Yeah. It's not just an adolescent fantasy
of an ideal woman, like Weird Science.Copy !req
425. Sweet Child Of MineCopy !req
426. Belle, can I get you anything?Copy !req
427. Oh, I'd kill for a beer!Copy !req
428. Cheers!Copy !req
429. Mm. That last one
was on the house, by the way.Copy !req
430. Was your go on the house?Copy !req
431. No.Copy !req
432. Sorry, do you mind if I...?
Fuck off!Copy !req
433. Fuck off! You fucking fuck off!Copy !req
434. You fuck!Copy !req
435. OK, what's the number?
I'll just write it down.Copy !req
436. David, can I borrow your pen? No.Copy !req
437. No?Copy !req
438. No.Copy !req
439. What sort of person
won't lend someone else their pen?Copy !req
440. The sort of person
I could be friends with.Copy !req
441. I can't believe
you're not gonna lend it to me.Copy !req
442. You will soon.Copy !req
443. Just give me the pen!Copy !req
444. All right, Robert.
I will lend you my pen,Copy !req
445. if you sign this.Copy !req
446. What's this?Copy !req
447. Terms and conditions. You acknowledge
that you are borrowing my penCopy !req
448. and must return it to me
as soon as you've finished using itCopy !req
449. to write down this number.Copy !req
450. You undertake not to chew
the end of my penCopy !req
451. at any time
while it's in your possessionCopy !req
452. and you agree only to use
the red and green BirosCopy !req
453. and not the blue and black ones,
because those are my favourites.Copy !req
454. All right, fine.Copy !req
455. If that's what it takes to get you
to lend me your pen, I'll sign it.Copy !req
456. Can I borrow a pen?Copy !req
457. No.Copy !req
458. Is that the theme tune
to The Bill you're humming?Copy !req
459. Yeah. Yeah, this is a bit like...Copy !req
460. How dare you?Copy !req
461. The old opening credits to The Bill
featured the feet of two POLICE officers,Copy !req
462. two pairs of police officer shoes.Copy !req
463. Not one pair of police shoes
and some flippers,Copy !req
464. or one pair of police shoes
and some espadrilles,Copy !req
465. or wellies or the hind legs of a cat.Copy !req
466. It was a policeman
and a policewoman walking along.Copy !req
467. And you're not even a policewoman.Copy !req
468. I think that's a bit sexist.Copy !req
469. At least it's institutional sexism.Copy !req
470. If you said it,
it would just be sexism.Copy !req
471. You haven't got an institution.Copy !req
472. Or not one that anyone cares about.Copy !req
473. Did you see Britain's most senior
community support officerCopy !req
474. on the news last night?Copy !req
475. No.Copy !req
476. Neither did I.Copy !req
477. Come to think of it,Copy !req
478. I'm wrong about why this isn't like
the old opening credits of The Bill,Copy !req
479. because, in reality, that was two people
who were pretending to be police officers,Copy !req
480. whereas here we just have one person
pretending to be a police officerCopy !req
481. and one person who actually is.Copy !req
482. I'm not saying
I'm a proper policeman.Copy !req
483. That's a good job,
because that's a very serious crimeCopy !req
484. for which I could send you to prison.Copy !req
485. Only one of us
could send the other one to prison.Copy !req
486. Can you remember
which way round it is?Copy !req
487. Er...Copy !req
488. Let me help. Go to prison.Copy !req
489. Go on, piss off! Go to prison.Copy !req
490. Find the nearest prison
and go to it. I won't...Copy !req
491. Knock on the door and say I've sent
you to prison and you're to stay there.Copy !req
492. OK.Copy !req
493. In the name of Vectron,
I bring you greeting, Chancellor.Copy !req
494. Vectron be with you, AmbassadorCopy !req
495. and may the power of Vectron
bring prosperity to your house.Copy !req
496. Hear, hear! By Vectron!Copy !req
497. What news of our galactic endeavour?Copy !req
498. Vectron smiles upon us, Chancellor.
By Vectron's eyes, I'm glad to hear it.Copy !req
499. Indeed. Our endeavour proceeds
as if Vectron himself was helping.Copy !req
500. As I'm sure he is,
by Vectron's golden wings.Copy !req
501. Praise Vectron!Copy !req
502. In the name of Vectron, I ask for
further mandate to pursue the endeavour.Copy !req
503. By Vectron, you shall have it,
and gladly!Copy !req
504. I thank you and take my leave.
For Vectron!Copy !req
505. For Vectron!Copy !req
506. Indeed, these are joyous times,
by Vectron.Copy !req
507. I agree, by Vectron!Copy !req
508. Excellent!Copy !req
509. Um, Chancellor... Yes.Copy !req
510. Um...Copy !req
511. Who's Vectron?Copy !req
512. What?Copy !req
513. This Vectron
we all keep mentioning, what...?Copy !req
514. Who is he?Copy !req
515. Don't you know, by Vectron?Copy !req
516. No. You see, about three weeks ago,
I was ill.Copy !req
517. So, one Thursday I was awayCopy !req
518. and then when I came back
on the Friday morning,Copy !req
519. it was all
Vectron, Vectron, VectronCopy !req
520. and no-one's really explained.Copy !req
521. Just three weeks ago?Copy !req
522. But Vectron is eternal! He is the
end, the beginning, the circle...Copy !req
523. Honestly, Steve, no-one...
I mean, none of usCopy !req
524. had ever said the word "Vectron"
in our lives until I took that day off.Copy !req
525. Maybe you're right.Copy !req
526. I think it's really Tim
you should be talking to.Copy !req
527. I am pretty sure he started it.Copy !req
528. OK.Copy !req
529. Glad greetings, Vice Sky Marshal,
by Vectron's name.Copy !req
530. I thank you,
by Vectron's kindly claw.Copy !req
531. Yeah. Um, Tim...Copy !req
532. Pete had a question for you.Copy !req
533. Oh, yeah?Copy !req
534. Yeah. All this Vectron stuff,
that was you, was it?Copy !req
535. I don't think so.Copy !req
536. Isn't it the scrolls?Copy !req
537. The ancient scrolls of Vectron,
written by Vectron himselfCopy !req
538. in the first age of Vectron.Copy !req
539. Um, no. Pete says it all started
three weeks ago when he was ill.Copy !req
540. Oh. Well, maybe.Copy !req
541. I'm sure there was something
about scrolls.Copy !req
542. Didn't Geoff find the scrolls?Copy !req
543. Geoff! The scrolls, was that you?Copy !req
544. I don't think I ever saw
any scrolls.Copy !req
545. Right. Cos this is
an interesting question.Copy !req
546. Because we have been
talking a lot about VectronCopy !req
547. and, quite rightly,
Pete wants to know why.Copy !req
548. Yeah, totally.Copy !req
549. But, by Vectron, I...Copy !req
550. Yeah. Shall we just leave that
until we've sorted this?Copy !req
551. Right, yeah.Copy !req
552. So, who was the first person
to say "Vectron"?Copy !req
553. See... I really thought
it was you, Tim.Copy !req
554. No.Copy !req
555. I did lose my plectrum a few weeks
ago, I was asking around.Copy !req
556. Do you think plectrum, Vectron?Copy !req
557. It's not very likely.Copy !req
558. I think it's that.Copy !req
559. Yeah. It's probably that.Copy !req
560. Mm.Copy !req
561. I suppose, we must all
have seemed a bit daft.Copy !req
562. No, no! No.Copy !req
563. I feel a bit daft, I must say.
No, I think...Copy !req
564. I mean, it sounded good.Copy !req
565. It was good. Yeah.Copy !req
566. Right, then.Copy !req
567. No more Vectron.Copy !req
568. OK.Copy !req
569. Life seems a bit empty now...
without Vectron.Copy !req
570. Yeah, it does a bit.Copy !req
571. I miss Vectron.Copy !req
572. Me, too!Copy !req
573. I think, actually,
even I miss Vectron a bit.Copy !req
574. Oh, that's nice.Copy !req
575. Look, why don't we just open some wine
and see if we can get back into it?Copy !req
576. Might be worth a try.Copy !req
577. By Vectron!Copy !req
578. By Vectron's knees,
let's crack open the Chablis!Copy !req
579. For Vectron!Copy !req