1. This programme contains
some strong languageCopy !req
2. Hello, the Nutritionist Partnership.Copy !req
3. Yeah...Copy !req
4. Yeah.Copy !req
5. Have you tried
turning it off and on again?Copy !req
6. No, sorry.
I used to work for an IT helpline.Copy !req
7. I mean, it sounds like
you're intolerant to wheat.Copy !req
8. Not at all! That'll be 60 quid.Copy !req
9. Bye now.Copy !req
10. Oh, my God, Mike! The game's up.
What's happened?Copy !req
11. I've got a woman in there
complaining of the usual stuff -Copy !req
12. you know, sometimes she's tired,
sometimes she's full,Copy !req
13. sometimes she's hungry, friends
have complained of her moaning.Copy !req
14. Textbook stuff. Fine.Copy !req
15. So I hit her with, "Have you tried
cutting wheat out of your diet?"Copy !req
16. and then started printing off the bill,
like usual, and it doesn't work!Copy !req
17. Have you tried
turning it off and on again?Copy !req
18. No! Not the printer, the patter!Copy !req
19. She said, "I'm definitely
not intolerant to wheat,"Copy !req
20. which leaves me pretty much stumped.Copy !req
21. Usually they just pay up and all those
feelings of sluggishness get maskedCopy !req
22. by the more strong feeling of, you know,
really wishing they could have some toast.Copy !req
23. OK, don't panic.
If she's not buying wheat, try dairy.Copy !req
24. Have you told her that we all smell
of off-milk to the Japanese?Copy !req
25. She said she didn't care!Copy !req
26. Blimey.Copy !req
27. So what I was wondering was,Copy !req
28. shall I still try and flog her
the gluten-free vegan ready mealCopy !req
29. or will she spot
that it's just boxes of rice?Copy !req
30. No, don't even try.
You need to bring out the big guns.Copy !req
31. I'm gonna go online now
and buy you another doctorateCopy !req
32. and I want you to go in there and
demand to have a look at her shit.Copy !req
33. Blimey!Copy !req
34. Then charge her top dollar for the
most ridiculous personal diet planCopy !req
35. that no human
could ever stick to and live.Copy !req
36. That way either she diesCopy !req
37. or she can't complain,
because she didn't stick to her plan.Copy !req
38. OK.Copy !req
39. And make sure you tell her
that there's loads of fat in crisps.Copy !req
40. It's irrelevant,
but it is at least true.Copy !req
41. Off you go. I've got to go on The One Show
in a minute to talk about super foodsCopy !req
42. and I haven't made one up yet.Copy !req
43. I dare you to say it's white veal.Copy !req
44. You're on.Copy !req
45. So, moving on.Copy !req
46. Um, things are still looking a bit
ragged around the Scottish border,Copy !req
47. so I thought what we needed to do
is create some new earldom,Copy !req
48. put all the major castles under thatCopy !req
49. and get someone to really organise
and streamline the whole operation.Copy !req
50. MUTTERINGCopy !req
51. So, er, who's up for that, then?Copy !req
52. Sire, as your foremost northern Lord,
I feel perhaps I may be best placed...Copy !req
53. Ooh. Really?Copy !req
54. I thought this might be one for...
Lucentio.Copy !req
55. What? Again? Problem?Copy !req
56. Well, no. I just think that Lucentio's got
quite a lot on his plate at the moment.Copy !req
57. Has he?Copy !req
58. Well, yes. He's Lord Chancellor,
Archbishop of Canterbury,Copy !req
59. Lord High Admiral, Lord Privy Seal...Copy !req
60. Stop it!Copy !req
61. Keeper of the Royal Money,
Taster of the Royal Cake,Copy !req
62. King's Most Favourite Fellow, Chief
Wardrobe Adviser and Plague Tsar.Copy !req
63. Oh, come on, guys.
He is our top guy.Copy !req
64. I mean, no offence, fellas,Copy !req
65. but, you know, I always say
my other barons bring me problems,Copy !req
66. Lucentio brings me solutions.Copy !req
67. What was that, Northumberland?
Er, nothing.Copy !req
68. With respect, Your Majesty,
what solutions?Copy !req
69. I mean, what's he actually done?Copy !req
70. I don't know where to start!
What hasn't he done?Copy !req
71. All right, what hasn't he done?Copy !req
72. He hasn't won a war with France.Copy !req
73. Now, now! That wasn't
Lucentio's fault. .. Was it?Copy !req
74. The French were on bloody good form
that day, bloody good form.Copy !req
75. And you've got to hand it to them...
What?Copy !req
76. Normandy. We had to hand it to them.Copy !req
77. Well... yes, yes. All right,
but I mean, come on, guys.Copy !req
78. I mean, you all like Lucentio, yeah?Copy !req
79. Um... Yeah!Copy !req
80. I mean, you all like Lucentio
as much as I do, right?Copy !req
81. N-N-N...Copy !req
82. I don't think we all like him
quite as much as you do.Copy !req
83. Well, he speaks very highly
of you, Warwick.Copy !req
84. "I've really come to see
Warwick as a friend."Copy !req
85. He was saying that to me
just the other day, weren't you?Copy !req
86. Yeah, thanks.Copy !req
87. Um...Copy !req
88. Thanks, Lucentio.Copy !req
89. Christ!Copy !req
90. See! That's better. Good!Copy !req
91. Right! So Lucentio
is Earl of the Northern Marches.Copy !req
92. Right, what's next?Copy !req
93. Oh, yes! OK, so it's Lucentio's
half-birthday next week.Copy !req
94. So, who's got a daughter
who's a virgin?Copy !req
95. Oh, God!Copy !req
96. What?Copy !req
97. I just got a text from Phil -Copy !req
98. "Sorry, can't make it to your party.Copy !req
99. "Day after we move.
Will be in unpacking hell."Copy !req
100. What's wrong with that?
It's fair enough.Copy !req
101. Yeah, but he's only saying that
to make sure I know he's moving,Copy !req
102. because the last time I moved,
he helped me,Copy !req
103. and he wants to make sure
I return the favour.Copy !req
104. I think you're reading
too much into it.Copy !req
105. No, no. I'm reading
the follow-up text.Copy !req
106. "Phil's just saying that, because
the last time you moved he helped youCopy !req
107. "and he wants to make sure
you return the favour."Copy !req
108. Why would he text that?Copy !req
109. And why is he referring to himself
in the third person?Copy !req
110. Is that a new phone?Copy !req
111. Yeah. Ah, that'll be it, then.Copy !req
112. You've got subtext turned on.Copy !req
113. What?Copy !req
114. It's a whole new thing. With every text
you get a free subtext. Look, hold on.Copy !req
115. Message one -Copy !req
116. "Brilliant review in the Independent,
Rob, that's more like it!"Copy !req
117. Message two -
"Sarah is only saying thatCopy !req
118. "to let you know she's read
the awful review in the Telegraph,Copy !req
119. "the one that goes on and on
about your teeth."Copy !req
120. Oh.Copy !req
121. What now?Copy !req
122. I'm just texting Phil back
something jokey and non-committal,Copy !req
123. but it's come out as -Copy !req
124. "My failure to help you moveCopy !req
125. "will hasten the decline
of an already dying friendship.Copy !req
126. "We won't meet again until a chance
encounter in a branch of Halfords in 2013Copy !req
127. "which will end in my buying
a cycle helmet I have no need of,Copy !req
128. "just to avoid
going for a drink with you."Copy !req
129. Ah. You've got predictive text on.Copy !req
130. 'It's the education debate
that just won't go away.'Copy !req
131. Amazing!Copy !req
132. 'Both Government and examining boards have
found themselves under fire this weekCopy !req
133. 'when it was announced that in this
year's A levels, everyone got an A.'Copy !req
134. Wow! You got A's!Copy !req
135. So, what did you get?Copy !req
136. 14 A's.Copy !req
137. And you?Copy !req
138. Ah!Copy !req
139. Well, it's been a wonderful yearCopy !req
140. and it's great to see the students
letting their hair downCopy !req
141. and taking some well-earned
recreational time.Copy !req
142. And what do you say to
the claim that the exams have got easier?Copy !req
143. Which is up? Which is up?Copy !req
144. Why can't people accept the simple
fact that every year for the last 30,Copy !req
145. teenagers have grown empirically
cleverer by between 3 and 7%Copy !req
146. without a single dip ever.Copy !req
147. But, of course,
with so many successful students,Copy !req
148. the pressure on university places
is greater than ever.Copy !req
149. Well, of course, everyone's got
such excellent results these daysCopy !req
150. that it's impossible
to tell them apart,Copy !req
151. so we've had to go back to nepotism.Copy !req
152. What about meritocracy?
Social mobility?Copy !req
153. What happens to children
from poorer backgrounds?Copy !req
154. Well, they have
all these A's these days,Copy !req
155. but then so do the posh kids,Copy !req
156. and the posh kids are expected
to go to university,Copy !req
157. so we feel the kindest thing
is to let them.Copy !req
158. Strong words there from the Regius
Professor of Philosophy and GCSE Textiles.Copy !req
159. Education Minister,
what's your response?Copy !req
160. I just find it very sad
that at this time of year,Copy !req
161. the chattering classes
seek to disparage...Copy !req
162. "Disparage"? Slag off.Copy !req
163. Oh. Sorry, the Words Module stopped
being compulsory the year above me.Copy !req
164. ..seek to slag off the achievements
of our nation's youth.Copy !req
165. But how do you respond to fears that the
knock-on effect of easier and easier examsCopy !req
166. will inevitably lead to a decline
in our very civilisation?Copy !req
167. That's an utterly spurious
hypothesis.Copy !req
168. Where?Copy !req
169. And by the time that happened,
we'd notice.Copy !req
170. Minister, thank you.Copy !req
171. Well, coming up next on BBC Two,
something of a treat for culture vultures,Copy !req
172. Lesley Garrett and Dr David Starkey
introduce footage of kittens falling over.Copy !req
173. Good night.Copy !req
174. Toilets upstairs, coffee machine in
the stairwell. Be careful, though,Copy !req
175. it doesn't take £2 coinsCopy !req
176. and the espresso
tastes like boiled shoes.Copy !req
177. Right, everyone, listen up!Copy !req
178. This is Detective Constable Mike
Bussmann, he'll be joining us from today.Copy !req
179. I'd like you all to make him
feel very welcome,Copy !req
180. subject to the provisions of
the Sexual Harassment Act of 1975.Copy !req
181. Right, back to work!Copy !req
182. Er, Mike, you'll be working
with one of the old school,Copy !req
183. Detective Sergeant Alan Christmas.Copy !req
184. Christmas! What?Copy !req
185. Christmas, meet your new partner.Copy !req
186. Er, Mike Bussmann. Good to meet you.Copy !req
187. BURPSCopy !req
188. Ooh! Sorry about that.Copy !req
189. Always get a bit repeaty
after sprouts.Copy !req
190. So, you're the new boy, eh?Copy !req
191. Well, come on, let's get going.Copy !req
192. Oh, I'm driving, am I?Copy !req
193. Well, I'm not.Copy !req
194. I've had 15 sweet sherries already
this morning.Copy !req
195. RADIO PLAYS "Silent Night"Copy !req
196. Have you had all the green triangles?Copy !req
197. No, Sarge, I haven't touched 'em.Copy !req
198. Aitken's running the biggest
counterfeiting operationCopy !req
199. in the southeast in there.Copy !req
200. Bank notes, forged passports,Copy !req
201. those little V-shaped tickets
you get at the deli counter.Copy !req
202. You name it, he'll print it.Copy !req
203. Cracker?Copy !req
204. Another one?Copy !req
205. Got two gross of these
to get through, you know.Copy !req
206. Oh, that's nice.Copy !req
207. A little hair clip
in the shape of a butterfly.Copy !req
208. Except the butterfly's
got a cat's face.Copy !req
209. Don't they have
some unusual animals in China?Copy !req
210. Are we waiting for Aitken?
Not likely.Copy !req
211. He spends most of the year
on Canvey Island as a tax dodge.Copy !req
212. "Why did the dog bark?"Copy !req
213. What?Copy !req
214. "Because dog is
hello boy himself gratefully."Copy !req
215. Should have got the ones from M&S.Copy !req
216. Sarge...Copy !req
217. Must be Knowles.Copy !req
218. What's he doing?Copy !req
219. Er...Copy !req
220. Exchanging something.Copy !req
221. Ah, plain brown parcel.Copy !req
222. That'll be socks.Copy !req
223. It's cash. Cash! Typical.Copy !req
224. Where's the thought?Copy !req
225. A real present should be something
home-made. I blame book tokens.Copy !req
226. They're looking this way.Copy !req
227. Quick! Get down.Copy !req
228. It looks like they're making their
move. Right, it's now or never.Copy !req
229. Let's nick 'em.Copy !req
230. GUNFIRECopy !req
231. Sorry. Sorry.
I haven't missed the Queen, have I?Copy !req
232. Oh.Copy !req
233. It's always sadder
at this time of year.Copy !req
234. So, HMS Lucentio it is.Copy !req
235. Good name.Copy !req
236. Right! So, I think that
just about wraps it up for today.Copy !req
237. Um... Could I have a quick word,
Your Majesty?Copy !req
238. Yes, of course.Copy !req
239. See you in a minute, Luch.Copy !req
240. It's... It's about Lucentio.Copy !req
241. Oh, good! Isn't he great?Copy !req
242. Yes. Yes. But, um...Copy !req
243. Well, what we were all wonderingCopy !req
244. is whether you might like
to have sex with him.Copy !req
245. What? Have sex with a man?
What are you talking about?Copy !req
246. Well, it's a bit left-field,
I know, but hear me out.Copy !req
247. OK.Copy !req
248. What we were wondering
is what it is you like about him.Copy !req
249. Well, he's just so brilliant!Copy !req
250. I mean, you know, he's full of ideas,
he's just so good at stuff...Copy !req
251. STRING TWANGSCopy !req
252. He's committed, he's a team player,
he's just a great guy to have around.Copy !req
253. Right. And you're sure
it's not just that you'd...Copy !req
254. you'd quite like to, you know,
really... give him one?Copy !req
255. No, I don't think so.Copy !req
256. Well, I just wanted to say
that if it was that,Copy !req
257. then we'd all be fine about it.Copy !req
258. I mean, technically,
we think it means you'd go to hell,Copy !req
259. but, you know, that's long term,
and we'd totally support you.Copy !req
260. Right.Copy !req
261. Cos, just think about this.
Are you absolutely 100%Copy !req
262. that instead of giving him
every important job in the kingdom,Copy !req
263. many of which he has, to put it
nicely, completely screwed up,Copy !req
264. you wouldn't rather just have a bit
of a massive sweaty tumble with him,Copy !req
265. while the rest of us, you know,
sort out the admin?Copy !req
266. Oh, I see.Copy !req
267. And it would mean
that Lucentio was a lot less busy,Copy !req
268. was away a lot less.Copy !req
269. He's always away. Is he?Copy !req
270. I miss him when he's away.
I can't really sleep.Copy !req
271. So, what I'm saying is...Copy !req
272. He smells good, I will say that.
Right.Copy !req
273. God, he smells good!Copy !req
274. Yes, so...Copy !req
275. What's stopping you?Copy !req
276. Well...Copy !req
277. Do you think he'd be interested?Copy !req
278. Well, he... He barely touched
Northumberland's virgin.Copy !req
279. That's true.Copy !req
280. I think you're definitely in there,
Your Majesty.Copy !req
281. Do you think?Copy !req
282. Yeah, but remember -Copy !req
283. just to have sex with him and not
to give him loads of important jobs.Copy !req
284. OK, well, er... wish me luck.Copy !req
285. I mean, we're both cellists with
the National Orchestra of Sweden,Copy !req
286. which is great for us, but...Copy !req
287. But it does involve spending
quite a lot of time in Sweden.Copy !req
288. So that's quite a lot of travelling
with our cellos,Copy !req
289. which are quite heavy.Copy !req
290. Which are heavy.Copy !req
291. You know, putting the cellos in the car
and taking the cellos to the airport,Copy !req
292. going through check-in
with our cellos.Copy !req
293. So the choice is...
um, move to Sweden, which...Copy !req
294. N-N-N-N... N-N-N...Copy !req
295. Or the only logical alternative -Copy !req
296. turn our house
into an international airport.Copy !req
297. Well, it's been three months since
I last talked to Ben and Kerry BishopCopy !req
298. about their dream of turning
their three-bedroom terraced houseCopy !req
299. here in Peterborough
into an international airport.Copy !req
300. So, let's see how they've been
getting on.Copy !req
301. So, we're here in your garden.Copy !req
302. Er, you know what question
I'm gonna ask, don't you?Copy !req
303. Where's the airport?
Where's the airport?Copy !req
304. Yeah. Well, it's turning out to be
quite a lot harder workCopy !req
305. than we thought, isn't it?Copy !req
306. Yeah. It sounds boring,Copy !req
307. but it really just comes down
to a question of space.Copy !req
308. I mean, Ben started work
on the first runway,Copy !req
309. which was gonna go sort of here.Copy !req
310. But then BA, amongst others,
were very strict about the length.Copy !req
311. Yeah, they've been really inflexible
about the length of the runway, actually.Copy !req
312. How long do they say it's gotta be?Copy !req
313. About two miles.Copy !req
314. Right. That's quite a lot longer
than your garden.Copy !req
315. Well, it is... horizontally.Copy !req
316. But we offered
to make the runway vertical.Copy !req
317. I mean, just dig down for two miles.Copy !req
318. But then the council got involvedCopy !req
319. and said that we were gonna run
into problems with pipes and cablesCopy !req
320. and ultimately... magma.Copy !req
321. All right. So you've run into
a bit of red tape and delays.Copy !req
322. How's that affected the budget?Copy !req
323. Well, the original budget was £23,000,
which I know sounds like a lot, but...Copy !req
324. Yeah, it sounds a lot,
but we want to do it properly.Copy !req
325. Yeah, exactly. Um, but now it's...
Well, it's really leapt up to, um...Copy !req
326. What is it now? 84...
£86 million.Copy !req
327. Where did the other two million
come from?Copy !req
328. Fire engines.Copy !req
329. You see, at this rate, we're gonna
have to sell another cello.Copy !req
330. Ah, Hennimore!Copy !req
331. Why aren't you wearing that
name badge I had made up for you?Copy !req
332. Oh, sorry, sir! I forgot, sir!Copy !req
333. I didn't know your first name
was Nontgonery.Copy !req
334. Oh, yes, sir!Copy !req
335. Well, make sure you wear that
always, Hennimore.Copy !req
336. How can we
at Munnery Municipal NamebadgesCopy !req
337. expect to sell name badges to the world,
if we don't wear them ourselves?Copy !req
338. Quite right, sir.Copy !req
339. Now, I know there have been
a few problems with morale recently,Copy !req
340. what with all this nonsense
people have been spreadingCopy !req
341. about our printing press
confusing Ns and Ms.Copy !req
342. I designed the printing press myselfCopy !req
343. and just ran up this sign to prove that
there's absolutely nothing wrong with it.Copy !req
344. You can read that sign clear as
a bell, can't you, Hennimore? Er...Copy !req
345. It says - Need a name mnemomic?
You need a name badge!Copy !req
346. So make sure to make that phone call
to Munnery Municipal Namebadges.Copy !req
347. We're a namebadge phenomenon. OK?Copy !req
348. Right, sir.Copy !req
349. So, in order to get everyone's spirits up,
I'm organising a clubs and societies dayCopy !req
350. and have agreed that
the Murder In The Dark ClubCopy !req
351. may use my office
to play their terrifying game.Copy !req
352. So you need to be here
at four o'clockCopy !req
353. to let them in
when I shall be in a neeting.Copy !req
354. Did you say "neeting", sir? Mo.Copy !req
355. On an unrelated note,
one of my wife's charities,Copy !req
356. the Society For Nervous Incontinents,Copy !req
357. are holding their annual wine tasting
in a room just up the corridor.Copy !req
358. It's a lovely day
for those poor peopleCopy !req
359. and they all get
massively full-up on wine.Copy !req
360. Oh, that's nice, sir.Copy !req
361. Now, it's barely worth my mentioning
what a disaster it would beCopy !req
362. if a group of full-bladdered
nervous incontinentsCopy !req
363. were in any way to come into contact
with what the Murder In The Dark ClubCopy !req
364. are hoping will be their most
shock-filled session to date.Copy !req
365. I can see that, sir.Copy !req
366. So, for the avoidance of doubt,
I've run up a couple of signsCopy !req
367. for you to put up
on the respective doors.Copy !req
368. Initially, I went with these.Copy !req
369. Nervous Incontinents Tasting Day
on your left, of course,Copy !req
370. and Murder In The Dark to my right.Copy !req
371. But then I thought, "Hold on!"Copy !req
372. Belt and braces! What about
all this N and M confusion?Copy !req
373. So instead, I've gone with these.Copy !req
374. For some reason, I seem
to have put MOT instead of NOT,Copy !req
375. but I can't see that being a problem.Copy !req
376. So, you just need to make sure you get
the right notice up on the left door,Copy !req
377. by which I mean the correct door,
and you should have no problems at all.Copy !req
378. This time, Hennimore, I could not
have made things easier for you!Copy !req
379. Hennimore!Copy !req
380. Being a prosto's brilliant!Copy !req
381. I mean, it is our
most serious work to date.Copy !req
382. Thanks.Copy !req
383. But then, that's because the story we
were telling was so important to us.Copy !req
384. Yeah. I mean, when you see
a prostitute on the television,Copy !req
385. it's all drugs, knives,Copy !req
386. beatings, babies and AIDS.Copy !req
387. And it is all those things,Copy !req
388. but we wanted to show
the positive side, you know,Copy !req
389. how sexy it all is.Copy !req
390. I mean, a lot of these women
are feminists,Copy !req
391. that they feel empowered by, um...Copy !req
392. By... Hang on.Copy !req
393. By being able to earn a living.Copy !req
394. Yeah. Yeah, the one I went with -
for research -Copy !req
395. she had A levels,
a flat, mobile phone.Copy !req
396. You know, she was doing it
cos she wanted to.Copy !req
397. She didn't want to, you know...Copy !req
398. Starve.Copy !req
399. Temp.Copy !req
400. She didn't want to temp.
She loved it.Copy !req
401. She told me
she really fancied me, actually.Copy !req
402. Do you think she meant it?Copy !req
403. Course she meant it!Copy !req
404. Why would she say it,
if she didn't mean it?Copy !req
405. I can't believe you're a prostitute!Copy !req
406. We did our degrees together
at university.Copy !req
407. Yeah! But who wants to be
a doctor or a lawyerCopy !req
408. when you can be a prostitute,
like me. A proper one, I mean.Copy !req
409. Not one of those grim ones.Copy !req
410. A nice, pretty, clean one,
which, in reality, most of us are.Copy !req
411. What? You mean it's like having
a shish kebab rather than a doner?Copy !req
412. You're less likely to get ill?
Exactly.Copy !req
413. I mean, those grim street-corner
ones are just a media myth, anyway.Copy !req
414. Most working girls...
"Working girls"?Copy !req
415. Oh, it's just a feminist word
for prostitute.Copy !req
416. Most of us are having a brilliant
time, having brilliant sexCopy !req
417. with really interesting men,
like, um, writers...Copy !req
418. or screenwriters...Copy !req
419. or men from London who write for TV.Copy !req
420. Yeah, I mean some people have said
that it's all just male fantasy.Copy !req
421. Lesbians! Mainly lesbians.Copy !req
422. I mean, some normal people, as well.Copy !req
423. But what these lesbians
don't realiseCopy !req
424. is that the whole show comes out of
real conversations with real hookers.Copy !req
425. I mean, this is real-life drama.Copy !req
426. It's so real,Copy !req
427. it's basically just like
a documentary that we've made up.Copy !req
428. Yeah. It's not just an adolescent fantasy
of an ideal woman, like Weird Science.Copy !req
429. Sweet Child Of MineCopy !req
430. Belle, can I get you anything?Copy !req
431. Oh, I'd kill for a beer!Copy !req
432. Cheers!Copy !req
433. Mm. That last one
was on the house, by the way.Copy !req
434. Was your go on the house?Copy !req
435. No.Copy !req
436. CRICKETS CHIRRUPCopy !req
437. COCK CROWSCopy !req
438. BIRDS TWITTERCopy !req
439. WHIRRING AND HAMMERINGCopy !req
440. GRUNTINGCopy !req
441. Sorry, do you mind if I...?
Fuck off!Copy !req
442. Fuck off! You fucking fuck off!Copy !req
443. You fuck!Copy !req
444. THUDCopy !req
445. OK, what's the number?
I'll just write it down.Copy !req
446. David, can I borrow your pen? No.Copy !req
447. No?Copy !req
448. No.Copy !req
449. What sort of person
won't lend someone else their pen?Copy !req
450. The sort of person
I could be friends with.Copy !req
451. I can't believe
you're not gonna lend it to me.Copy !req
452. You will soon.Copy !req
453. Just give me the pen!Copy !req
454. All right, Robert.
I will lend you my pen,Copy !req
455. if you sign this.Copy !req
456. What's this?Copy !req
457. Terms and conditions. You acknowledge
that you are borrowing my penCopy !req
458. and must return it to me
as soon as you've finished using itCopy !req
459. to write down this number.Copy !req
460. You undertake not to chew
the end of my penCopy !req
461. at any time
while it's in your possessionCopy !req
462. and you agree only to use
the red and green BirosCopy !req
463. and not the blue and black ones,
because those are my favourites.Copy !req
464. All right, fine.Copy !req
465. If that's what it takes to get you
to lend me your pen, I'll sign it.Copy !req
466. Can I borrow a pen?Copy !req
467. No.Copy !req
468. Is that the theme tune
to The Bill you're humming?Copy !req
469. Yeah. Yeah, this is a bit like...Copy !req
470. How dare you?Copy !req
471. The old opening credits to The Bill
featured the feet of two POLICE officers,Copy !req
472. two pairs of police officer shoes.Copy !req
473. Not one pair of police shoes
and some flippers,Copy !req
474. or one pair of police shoes
and some espadrilles,Copy !req
475. or wellies or the hind legs of a cat.Copy !req
476. It was a policeman
and a policewoman walking along.Copy !req
477. And you're not even a policewoman.Copy !req
478. I think that's a bit sexist.Copy !req
479. At least it's institutional sexism.Copy !req
480. If you said it,
it would just be sexism.Copy !req
481. You haven't got an institution.Copy !req
482. Or not one that anyone cares about.Copy !req
483. Did you see Britain's most senior
community support officerCopy !req
484. on the news last night?Copy !req
485. No.Copy !req
486. Neither did I.Copy !req
487. Come to think of it,Copy !req
488. I'm wrong about why this isn't like
the old opening credits of The Bill,Copy !req
489. because, in reality, that was two people
who were pretending to be police officers,Copy !req
490. whereas here we just have one person
pretending to be a police officerCopy !req
491. and one person who actually is.Copy !req
492. I'm not saying
I'm a proper policeman.Copy !req
493. That's a good job,
because that's a very serious crimeCopy !req
494. for which I could send you to prison.Copy !req
495. Only one of us
could send the other one to prison.Copy !req
496. Can you remember
which way round it is?Copy !req
497. Er...Copy !req
498. Let me help. Go to prison.Copy !req
499. Go on, piss off! Go to prison.Copy !req
500. Find the nearest prison
and go to it. I won't...Copy !req
501. Knock on the door and say I've sent
you to prison and you're to stay there.Copy !req
502. OK.Copy !req
503. In the name of Vectron,
I bring you greeting, Chancellor.Copy !req
504. Vectron be with you, AmbassadorCopy !req
505. and may the power of Vectron
bring prosperity to your house.Copy !req
506. Hear, hear! By Vectron!Copy !req
507. What news of our galactic endeavour?Copy !req
508. Vectron smiles upon us, Chancellor.
By Vectron's eyes, I'm glad to hear it.Copy !req
509. Indeed. Our endeavour proceeds
as if Vectron himself was helping.Copy !req
510. As I'm sure he is,
by Vectron's golden wings.Copy !req
511. Praise Vectron!Copy !req
512. In the name of Vectron, I ask for
further mandate to pursue the endeavour.Copy !req
513. By Vectron, you shall have it,
and gladly!Copy !req
514. I thank you and take my leave.
For Vectron!Copy !req
515. For Vectron!Copy !req
516. Indeed, these are joyous times,
by Vectron.Copy !req
517. I agree, by Vectron!Copy !req
518. Excellent!Copy !req
519. Um, Chancellor... Yes.Copy !req
520. Um...Copy !req
521. Who's Vectron?Copy !req
522. What?Copy !req
523. This Vectron
we all keep mentioning, what...?Copy !req
524. Who is he?Copy !req
525. Don't you know, by Vectron?Copy !req
526. No. You see, about three weeks ago,
I was ill.Copy !req
527. So, one Thursday I was awayCopy !req
528. and then when I came back
on the Friday morning,Copy !req
529. it was all
Vectron, Vectron, VectronCopy !req
530. and no-one's really explained.Copy !req
531. Just three weeks ago?Copy !req
532. But Vectron is eternal! He is the
end, the beginning, the circle...Copy !req
533. Honestly, Steve, no-one...
I mean, none of usCopy !req
534. had ever said the word "Vectron"
in our lives until I took that day off.Copy !req
535. Maybe you're right.Copy !req
536. I think it's really Tim
you should be talking to.Copy !req
537. I am pretty sure he started it.Copy !req
538. OK.Copy !req
539. Glad greetings, Vice Sky Marshal,
by Vectron's name.Copy !req
540. I thank you,
by Vectron's kindly claw.Copy !req
541. Yeah. Um, Tim...Copy !req
542. Pete had a question for you.Copy !req
543. Oh, yeah?Copy !req
544. Yeah. All this Vectron stuff,
that was you, was it?Copy !req
545. I don't think so.Copy !req
546. Isn't it the scrolls?Copy !req
547. The ancient scrolls of Vectron,
written by Vectron himselfCopy !req
548. in the first age of Vectron.Copy !req
549. Um, no. Pete says it all started
three weeks ago when he was ill.Copy !req
550. Oh. Well, maybe.Copy !req
551. I'm sure there was something
about scrolls.Copy !req
552. Didn't Geoff find the scrolls?Copy !req
553. Geoff! The scrolls, was that you?Copy !req
554. I don't think I ever saw
any scrolls.Copy !req
555. Right. Cos this is
an interesting question.Copy !req
556. Because we have been
talking a lot about VectronCopy !req
557. and, quite rightly,
Pete wants to know why.Copy !req
558. Yeah, totally.Copy !req
559. But, by Vectron, I...Copy !req
560. Yeah. Shall we just leave that
until we've sorted this?Copy !req
561. Right, yeah.Copy !req
562. So, who was the first person
to say "Vectron"?Copy !req
563. See... I really thought
it was you, Tim.Copy !req
564. No.Copy !req
565. I did lose my plectrum a few weeks
ago, I was asking around.Copy !req
566. Do you think plectrum, Vectron?Copy !req
567. It's not very likely.Copy !req
568. I think it's that.Copy !req
569. Yeah. It's probably that.Copy !req
570. Mm.Copy !req
571. I suppose, we must all
have seemed a bit daft.Copy !req
572. No, no! No.Copy !req
573. I feel a bit daft, I must say.
No, I think...Copy !req
574. I mean, it sounded good.Copy !req
575. It was good. Yeah.Copy !req
576. Right, then.Copy !req
577. No more Vectron.Copy !req
578. OK.Copy !req
579. Life seems a bit empty now...
without Vectron.Copy !req
580. Yeah, it does a bit.Copy !req
581. I miss Vectron.Copy !req
582. Me, too!Copy !req
583. I think, actually,
even I miss Vectron a bit.Copy !req
584. Oh, that's nice.Copy !req
585. Look, why don't we just open some wine
and see if we can get back into it?Copy !req
586. Might be worth a try.Copy !req
587. By Vectron!Copy !req
588. By Vectron's knees,
let's crack open the Chablis!Copy !req
589. For Vectron!Copy !req