1. 'With the ants expelled from the pavlovaCopy !req
2. 'and the fridgesswitched back on at the wall,Copy !req
3. 'Max turns his attention to the menu.'Copy !req
4. Right, first thing to say about
this menu is that it is far too long!Copy !req
5. All right? You need food with balls.Copy !req
6. So, fresh local fish... Do fish have balls?Copy !req
7. Shut up! Have you got balls?Copy !req
8. Have you got hair on your balls?Copy !req
9. Sorry, but, yes, I do have hairy balls.Copy !req
10. Shut up, you hairy-balled prick!Copy !req
11. Right! So I've got some local salmon,
I'm just chopping up some dill,Copy !req
12. quick squeeze of lemon,Copy !req
13. let it marinate for a bit,
sear it in a hot pan...Copy !req
14. Dollop of creme fraiche.
Bingo! Done. Easy.Copy !req
15. Right, now you try.Copy !req
16. What... What did you say after dill?Copy !req
17. 'But Max's menu ideas seem
to be causing problems.'Copy !req
18. Are you pulling my balls?Copy !req
19. This is how I showed you to do it!
What the hell is that?Copy !req
20. Well, I... I just...Copy !req
21. What?I just feel...Copy !req
22. What, mate? What?Copy !req
23. You are much better at this than me.Copy !req
24. What?Copy !req
25. You are much better at cooking.
That's obvious.Copy !req
26. That's why you've got a TV show
and I've got a failing restaurant.Copy !req
27. Well...Copy !req
28. It doesn't help me for you to show people that.Copy !req
29. I can't cook that.Copy !req
30. And there's loads of things in
there that you didn't even mention,Copy !req
31. like that thing with the potato that might
as well be magic as far as I'm concerned.Copy !req
32. It's just local ingredients,
simply cooked.Copy !req
33. By you!Copy !req
34. King Lear is just English words
put in order.Copy !req
35. The only way any of this
will help my restaurantCopy !req
36. is if you stay for ever.Copy !req
37. Can you stay for ever? If you
can't cook a simple piece of salmon,Copy !req
38. you shouldn't have a restaurant in the
first place, mate. Well, soon I won't,Copy !req
39. thanks to the fantastic advert
this programme's giving me.Copy !req
40. They'll be queuing round the blockCopy !req
41. when they hear all about
the ants and that I can't cook.Copy !req
42. Oh, don't be silly!
You've got 50 covers out there.Copy !req
43. Because you're in the kitchen.Copy !req
44. All you've done is boast and demonstrate
the fact that any fool knew alreadyCopy !req
45. that you're better at cookery than me.Copy !req
46. OK. But will you keep it up?Copy !req
47. Keep it up? I haven't got it up,Copy !req
48. as I'm surprised you
weren't the first to say.Copy !req
49. OK, it's been tough. Give me a hug.Copy !req
50. You despise me.Copy !req
51. OK.Copy !req
52. OK...Copy !req
53. Coming up next on Channel 4,Copy !req
54. Linford Christie's Sprinting Nightmares.Copy !req
55. Keep up, slow coach!
Why aren't you running as fast as me?Copy !req
56. Anything you want,
mate, anything at all,Copy !req
57. we'll make your last three months...Copy !req
58. No, sorry... The next three months,
the best three months of your life.Copy !req
59. Thanks.Copy !req
60. Thanks, mate. That means a lot.Copy !req
61. So, what do you want to do?
Disneyland?Copy !req
62. Disneyland?Copy !req
63. I'm 36.Copy !req
64. Good point.Copy !req
65. Run with the bulls?Copy !req
66. Watch the sun go down
over the shoals of the Pacific?Copy !req
67. The sun going down, the end
of the day, the dying of the light.Copy !req
68. Right, right.Copy !req
69. Er, swim with dolphins?Copy !req
70. Ooh... Oh!Copy !req
71. Oh, what is it, mate? Anything!
Tell me, I will make it happen.Copy !req
72. Well, I've really always wanted
to go snowboarding...Copy !req
73. Great!Copy !req
74. among the penguins of the Antarctic.Copy !req
75. Right... Only...Copy !req
76. Right, I know that sounds
like swimming with dolphins,Copy !req
77. but I can sort of imagine that
being a bit harder to organise.Copy !req
78. Oh. Well, if it's too much bother.Copy !req
79. No, I just... I don't think it'll be
a Thomas Cook job, that's all.Copy !req
80. Well, I've got to say, mate,Copy !req
81. I don't think anything on Earth
can compare with these ice fields.Copy !req
82. These mountains, these
incredible penguins.Copy !req
83. Yeah...Copy !req
84. They're all a bit samey.Copy !req
85. It's not really as good
as I thought it'd be.Copy !req
86. I've done seven fun runs!Copy !req
87. I've hardly seen my wife.Copy !req
88. I spent three and a half
days in a bath of beans.Copy !req
89. Oh, did you? Probably
preferred it if I just died!Copy !req
90. Cos that would have
saved you the effort.Copy !req
91. That's a horrible thing to say.
I can't believe you said that.Copy !req
92. We hope you enjoyed
that pre-event advertisement.Copy !req
93. Maybe, one day, we'll
discover what it was for.Copy !req
94. You're watching the British
Emergency Broadcasting SystemCopy !req
95. and once again it's time
for The Quiz Broadcast.Copy !req
96. Welcome to the show and welcome
back to our contestants, Peter and Sheila.Copy !req
97. Peter, I've been meaning to ask,
you're blind, like most people,Copy !req
98. were you blinded by the Event?Copy !req
99. No, I was blinded post-Event by raiders.Copy !req
100. Well, that certainly is a funny story.Copy !req
101. And, of course, Sheila, you're
dressed like that for religious regions.Copy !req
102. That's right. After all, we don't want
the Event happening again, do we?Copy !req
103. We certainly don't!Copy !req
104. God, imagine the Event happening again!Copy !req
105. No! Do not imagine the
Event happening again!Copy !req
106. It will cause distress!Copy !req
107. The Event is in the past!Copy !req
108. So, now the Conveyor Belt Round.Copy !req
109. Sheila, ready? Think so.Copy !req
110. And, of course, we no longer know
how to work the conveyor belt,Copy !req
111. so let's take a look at the prizes.Copy !req
112. Food objects!Copy !req
113. Fuel!Copy !req
114. Tablets!Copy !req
115. Holy tablets!Copy !req
116. Frightening animal!Copy !req
117. Someone's head!Copy !req
118. We don't know, but they're everywhere!Copy !req
119. A stone!Copy !req
120. A stone!Copy !req
121. A stone! A stone!Copy !req
122. We don't know, but they're everywhere!Copy !req
123. Frightening animal!Copy !req
124. Sheila, what can you remember?Copy !req
125. Oh, I can remember sunshine,Copy !req
126. colours, smiling facesCopy !req
127. and then darkness, fear...Copy !req
128. No, no. Not the Event, the objects.Copy !req
129. Oh, right. Um...Copy !req
130. BUZZER A raid! A raid!Copy !req
131. Whoops!Copy !req
132. Well, Sheila, you certainly
won't leave empty-handed,Copy !req
133. because we're gonna let you take
away someone's head and a stoneCopy !req
134. as talisman for your sector.Copy !req
135. We'll certainly worship them.Copy !req
136. I'm sure you will.Copy !req
137. Ah! Well, I'm afraid that's all
we've got power for this week.Copy !req
138. Don't forget to send
your stories to us, here...Copy !req
139. wherever we've been for
the past two and a half years.Copy !req
140. Well, with any luck some
of us will be here next weekCopy !req
141. for another Quiz Broadcast,Copy !req
142. so until then, goodbye and remain indoors!Copy !req
143. What have we got?Copy !req
144. RTA, broken arm, suspected internal
injuries, severe contusions to the head.Copy !req
145. Need to move fast. Prep me a
solution of Arnica Montana, stat.Copy !req
146. Strength? One part in a million.Copy !req
147. Are you sure? It looks serious.Copy !req
148. You're right. We need to strengthen
the dose, one part in ten million.Copy !req
149. On it, doctor.Copy !req
150. Looks like a tricky one.
Nothing we can't handle.Copy !req
151. Get me some wolfsbane, also
known as monkshood, in here!Copy !req
152. And a tray of flower remedies!Copy !req
153. Oh, his chakras are fading.
We're gonna need some crystals.Copy !req
154. Nurse, fetch me some purple-tinted quartz.Copy !req
155. Dammit, you're right.
Make that aquamarine quartz!Copy !req
156. Good call.Copy !req
157. OK, he's stabilising. Now does anybody
know what sort of car hit him?Copy !req
158. Blue Ford Mondeo.Copy !req
159. Right, get me a bit of blue Ford Mondeo,
put it in water, shake it, dilute it,Copy !req
160. shake it again, dilute it again, shake, dilute,Copy !req
161. and then put three drops on his tongue.Copy !req
162. If that doesn't cure him, I don't know what will.Copy !req
163. I think you should look at this, Simon. What is it?Copy !req
164. I don't think this poor chap's got long to live.Copy !req
165. Why not? His lifeline, very short.Copy !req
166. And his horoscope's not too clever either.Copy !req
167. "Sagittarius, brace yourself for a surprise,Copy !req
168. "things are about to change for you."Copy !req
169. They certainly are. Unless... Wait!Copy !req
170. What?Copy !req
171. We could try drawing a bit
more lifeline on with Biro.Copy !req
172. It'll never work!
Have you got a better idea?Copy !req
173. Let's see what happens.Copy !req
174. Uhh...Copy !req
175. Damn it!Copy !req
176. Time of death, 3.34...Copy !req
177. .. ish.Copy !req
178. Tough day, eh?Copy !req
179. I just can't stand losing them.Copy !req
180. It happens.Copy !req
181. I don't know. Sometimes I think a
trace solution of deadly nightshadeCopy !req
182. or a statistically negligible quantity
of arsenic just isn't enough.Copy !req
183. That's crazy talk, Simon.Copy !req
184. OK, so you kill the odd patient
with cancer or heart disease,Copy !req
185. or bronchitis, flu,
chicken pox or measles,Copy !req
186. but when someone comes in
with a vague sense of unease,Copy !req
187. or a touch of the nerves,Copy !req
188. oreven just more money than sense,Copy !req
189. we'll be there for them,Copy !req
190. bottle of basically
just water in one hand,Copy !req
191. and a huge invoice in the other.Copy !req
192. I suppose you're right.Copy !req
193. Now, another drink?Copy !req
194. I need one.Copy !req
195. Excuse me, two more
homeopathic lagers, please.Copy !req
196. Whoa! That's strong stuff.Copy !req
197. Everyone, this is Ben and Lizzy,
who just moved into number 14.Copy !req
198. Oh, hello there.Copy !req
199. Oh, my God!Copy !req
200. Oh, golly...Copy !req
201. Sorry, is everything all right?Copy !req
202. Um, there's been a misunderstanding.Copy !req
203. We're not swingers.Copy !req
204. We don't have sex with other couples.Copy !req
205. What, you think we're all...?Copy !req
206. I'm not judging. It's just,
um... It's not really our thing.Copy !req
207. We like to keep that
side of things private.Copy !req
208. We're just shy.Copy !req
209. Yeah, that's it. We're just
shy. Call it our weird fetish.Copy !req
210. Yeah, it's almost like, in this
room, WE'RE the perverts.Copy !req
211. Good one.Copy !req
212. Look, we're not swingers either.Copy !req
213. I don't want to have
sex with your wife.Copy !req
214. Yeah, right(!)Copy !req
215. Honestly.Copy !req
216. With the best will in the world,
John, yes, you do.Copy !req
217. I really...Copy !req
218. I've seen your wife, she's
sitting there with a slack jaw,Copy !req
219. staring at my groin, like she's
in some kind of erotic coma.Copy !req
220. That's all well and good and I'm
sure Barbara's a very nice lady,Copy !req
221. but that doesn't mean
I want to rim her.Copy !req
222. Now, if you'll excuse us, Lizzy
and I are acutely consciousCopy !req
223. that you've been mentally undressing us
the whole time we've been standing here.Copy !req
224. You're all thinking about Lizzy's
splendid, untroubled,Copy !req
225. almost French-looking breastsCopy !req
226. and my cute, peachy arse.Copy !req
227. And if that thought helps this imminent
orgy go with a bit more kapow,Copy !req
228. then, er, that's just our gift to you.Copy !req
229. Yeah, we'll leave the wine as well.Copy !req
230. Yeah, we'll leave the wine as well,
because, frankly, no offence,Copy !req
231. but you're gonna need it.Copy !req
232. Good luck.Copy !req
233. Well, I found this whole thing
quite arousing.Copy !req
234. Yeah, that makes two of us, sweetheart.
Notice, two of us, not eight of us.Copy !req
235. Bye, then.Copy !req
236. Cheerio.Copy !req
237. I want an orgy now.Copy !req
238. Barbara!Copy !req
239. Anyway, I'll tell you what,Copy !req
240. I was wrong about the penguins.Copy !req
241. I know what I want to do now.Copy !req
242. Brilliant, mate. Just name it.Copy !req
243. I don't wanna put you
to too much trouble.Copy !req
244. Come on! Anything, mate.
I will make it happen.Copy !req
245. Well, we could get a crew
of mercenaries together,Copy !req
246. take over the skyscraper HQ
of a multinational corporation,Copy !req
247. wrong-foot the authorities by posing
as terrorists with a political agenda,Copy !req
248. whilst actually clearing out
the building's underground vaultCopy !req
249. of bombs and bullion?Copy !req
250. OK, that's...Copy !req
251. That's Die Hard, isn't it?Copy !req
252. Yeah.Copy !req
253. I want to do Die Hard.Copy !req
254. Right...Copy !req
255. That might be a bit tricky.Copy !req
256. Symphony Number Nine by BeethovenCopy !req
257. Everybody down!Copy !req
258. If anyone moves, I will have no hesitation
in shooting you up with this gun.Copy !req
259. Are we all clear on that?Copy !req
260. Yes.Copy !req
261. Sergei, are you through to the vault yet?Copy !req
262. Yes! Only one security code to
go and we're home free, Martin.Copy !req
263. This is brilliant! What a rush!Copy !req
264. I said stay down! Now let that
be a lesson to all of you.Copy !req
265. You've got to keep
an eye on them, Martin.Copy !req
266. What is it? What's the matter?Copy !req
267. Mmm... This isn't...Copy !req
268. It's not as good as I thought it'd be.Copy !req
269. What? But... But it's what you wanted!Copy !req
270. Yeah...Copy !req
271. Do you know how hard this was to set up?Copy !req
272. False passports, learning
to be a computer hacker,Copy !req
273. so I could break into the mainframe, and
ex-Russian military don't come cheap!Copy !req
274. I've done five marathons
dressed as a horse!Copy !req
275. Oh, I'm sorry(!)Has my dying
inconvenienced you(?)Copy !req
276. No. Now come on, that's not fair.
I didn't say that.Copy !req
277. But it has taken up
a lot of my timeCopy !req
278. and Cheryl's been really
understanding, but even so.Copy !req
279. I mean, I'm the one who's
gonna be dead in two months.Copy !req
280. It's important I say what I feel.
Of course! Of course.Copy !req
281. Why don't we do the
yippee kay-ay thing again?Copy !req
282. Yippee kay-ay, mother...Copy !req
283. Is she all right?Copy !req
284. Have you seen it, Hennimore?Copy !req
285. Have I seen what, sir?Copy !req
286. The giant wasp that's been
circling the building.Copy !req
287. It's after the enormous pot of jam
that we're sending to the King of MoldovaCopy !req
288. to try and build trade relations.Copy !req
289. I don't mind telling you, Hennimore,Copy !req
290. it's been a disastrous year for
all of us here at Dreadnought LidsCopy !req
291. and this Moldovan contract
is our last chance.Copy !req
292. King Fredlib loves jamCopy !req
293. and this was the last giant pot Fortnum's hadCopy !req
294. or are ever planning to make. Blimey!Copy !req
295. Now, it's nearly four
and I've got a meeting,Copy !req
296. so I need you to stand here,
and if that giant wasp comes back,Copy !req
297. you set about it with
the old Gunn and Moore.Copy !req
298. Right you are, sir.Copy !req
299. On an unrelated note, my wife
will be popping in later.Copy !req
300. I said she can wait here
for a couple of hoursCopy !req
301. before heading off to the Flora and
Fauna Ball in the revolving restaurantCopy !req
302. at the top of the Father Christmas Hotel
in central London. She's going as a wasp. Right, sir.Copy !req
303. So she'll be popping
in in her wasp costume.Copy !req
304. She always gets held up by reception,
so I've told her to use the fire escapeCopy !req
305. and come in the window.
Don't be surprisedCopy !req
306. if something that looks
like a giant wasp comes in.Copy !req
307. And just to reiterate, if a giant wasp
comes in through the window,Copy !req
308. smash it to bits with the bat.
Got it, sir.Copy !req
309. Go away, nasty wasp...Copy !req
310. What the devil!Copy !req
311. Hennimore!Copy !req
312. Sorry, David, can you read
these texts for me?Copy !req
313. I haven't got my glasses.
Oh, yeah, all right.Copy !req
314. Um, the first one's from Martin.
He writes,Copy !req
315. "Hi, Rob. Hope you're well. Are
you still on for a drink tonight?Copy !req
316. "How about eight o'clock at the Crown?"Copy !req
317. And there's just a letter X.Copy !req
318. David, it's not an X, it's a kiss.Copy !req
319. A kiss? How can it be a kiss?Copy !req
320. A kiss is a thing you do,
that's just a letter.Copy !req
321. No, but they're ending the message
with a kiss, like on a birthday card.Copy !req
322. Oh, is that what that means?Copy !req
323. I always thought that people just thoughtCopy !req
324. I was either 10, 20 or 30 years old.Copy !req
325. Usually ten.Copy !req
326. Ah, who's the next one from?Copy !req
327. Oh, it's your wife. Are you
sure you want me to read it?Copy !req
328. Yeah, it's fine. OK.Copy !req
329. "Sorry, running ten minutes late.
Two kisses."Copy !req
330. That's a bit distant.Copy !req
331. Shouldn't she have put like a sex or
something? I mean, she is your wife.Copy !req
332. Is there a letter for that?
Maybe an S.Copy !req
333. That would be a bit more loving.Copy !req
334. "Sorry, I'm running late. Sex."Copy !req
335. Look, don't you put kisses on things?
On texts and e-mails?Copy !req
336. No, not even to people
who I kiss or have kissed.Copy !req
337. I do all my kissing live.Copy !req
338. Is that wrong?Copy !req
339. No, it's not wrong. It's just...Copy !req
340. Not very affectionate.Copy !req
341. Oh, God! I'm not very affectionate?
Is that what everyone thinks?Copy !req
342. That I hate kissing,Copy !req
343. just because I don't put a random
letter at the end of my e-mails?Copy !req
344. No, it's fine! You've got that whole cold,
repressed, emotionless thing going on.Copy !req
345. People like it. You're the guy
people like to feel uncomfortable around.Copy !req
346. Oh, God! Really?Copy !req
347. Really.Copy !req
348. Do you want a kiss?Copy !req
349. No.Copy !req
350. You wanted to see me.Copy !req
351. Ah, Quintilius, my
most trusted soothsayer.Copy !req
352. These are dark days for Pompeii,Copy !req
353. smoke in the sky, the earth
twitching like a bucking animal.Copy !req
354. You're telling me.
It's a proper shambles.Copy !req
355. Guide me, O wise man. What does
the future hold for our fair city?Copy !req
356. Well, as far as portents go,
it's not good.Copy !req
357. You know that big mountain
that's suddenly on fire? Yes.Copy !req
358. That's definitely a bad sign.Copy !req
359. Double checked with the goats' entrails
and they all say within a week,Copy !req
360. phht, that's us done for,
consumed by brimstone,Copy !req
361. reduced to ash, all curled up
in flaky ballsCopy !req
362. with tourists poking about,
tutting and shaking their heads.Copy !req
363. And this is your sincere forecast?Copy !req
364. Sorry. I wish I could say scattered
showers, but we're way beyond that.Copy !req
365. Smell that sulphur? That is
one angry atmosphere out there.Copy !req
366. Then we must make a humble
offering to appease the gods.Copy !req
367. Exactly. I've been having a bit of a think
about this, and I reckon I've got it.Copy !req
368. Cockerels? Pigs?Copy !req
369. No.Copy !req
370. We sort our rubbish into separate bins.Copy !req
371. Sorry?Copy !req
372. Green glass, brown glass, mosaic, papyrus,Copy !req
373. all in separate bins.Copy !req
374. Sort of a devotional thing,Copy !req
375. once a week, before going to bed
on a Monday night, I reckon.Copy !req
376. Is that it?Copy !req
377. "It"? Look at the sky!Copy !req
378. It looks like a smashed cake.
The gods are hopping bonkers.Copy !req
379. We need to dedicate some of our precious
time to a futile, time-consuming ritual.Copy !req
380. You know gods, they love all that shit.Copy !req
381. But surely that's...Copy !req
382. I don't know... pissing in the wind?Copy !req
383. It's very pissing in the wind,Copy !req
384. but the sky's on fire and it's
the best I could come up with.Copy !req
385. Hey! I've just noticed,Copy !req
386. you've been eating crisps all morning.
Aren't you afraid you'll get fat?Copy !req
387. No. I can eat as many of these as I like.Copy !req
388. I can't believe you're stuffing
your face with crisps again.Copy !req
389. You'll only get fat, and then
I'll have to have another affair.Copy !req
390. No, don't worry.
These won't make me fat.Copy !req
391. Why not? Are you bulimic?Copy !req
392. No, it's because these aren't crisps,Copy !req
393. they're Cressps.Copy !req
394. Peekers Crisps takes ordinary cress,
the healthiest food in the world,Copy !req
395. and that's been confirmed,Copy !req
396. and then deep-fry it in crisp fat
so all the health is retained,Copy !req
397. which means I can eat as many Cressps
as I like and just get healthier.Copy !req
398. Wow! I'll have some Cressps.Copy !req
399. I think I'll pass, actually.Copy !req
400. 'Cressps, once you Cressp,
you just can't splessp.'Copy !req
401. That doesn't make any sense.
Oh, God! They're horrid!Copy !req
402. Ah, breakfast in bed again.Copy !req
403. You are a treasure, my dear butler.
You do so spoil me.Copy !req
404. Thank you.Copy !req
405. And what do we have here?Copy !req
406. A rose, Butler?Copy !req
407. Ah, you remembered. Remembered, sir?Copy !req
408. Our anniversary. 40 years today.Copy !req
409. I hadn't forgotten.Copy !req
410. Hop in.Copy !req
411. Very good, sir.Copy !req
412. Who would have thought
all those years agoCopy !req
413. that that chance encounter
would have led to such happiness?Copy !req
414. How did we meet, Butler? Can you remember?Copy !req
415. Well, you advertised for a butler and I...Copy !req
416. Ah, of course! It was the day I was to
have interviewed prospective butlers.Copy !req
417. To think that such mundane domestic
matters were distracting meCopy !req
418. when our eyes first met.Copy !req
419. And I never did hire a butler after all.
What?Copy !req
420. Well, I've never needed one,Copy !req
421. what with all the loving kindnesses
you perform for me daily.Copy !req
422. You really are too good to me, Butler.
I hope you know I appreciate it.Copy !req
423. What do you mean, sir?Copy !req
424. Ah, "sir".Copy !req
425. Such a simple pet name,
yet so affectionate.Copy !req
426. Sorry... what do you think's going on?Copy !req
427. Our anniversary, my dear Butler.Copy !req
428. 40 years since we both cast
aside convention for love.Copy !req
429. Right.Copy !req
430. Oh, no!Copy !req
431. Sir, the thing is... you
do know I'm your butler?Copy !req
432. Yes, my Butler, my dear Butler,Copy !req
433. now and for ever.Copy !req
434. Butler, Buttles, Butty-Pops,
Buttlington Boots.Copy !req
435. No, butler's my job.Copy !req
436. My name's Steve.Copy !req
437. I don't understand.Copy !req
438. I'm a butler.Copy !req
439. I'm YOUR butler.
I have been for 40 years.Copy !req
440. You're my butler, Butler?Copy !req
441. Steve.Copy !req
442. You're my Steve Butler. Butler
Steve. You're Steve Butler.Copy !req
443. I'm Steve Griffiths. I'm your butler.Copy !req
444. Oh.Copy !req
445. But...Copy !req
446. ..I thought we were going out.Copy !req
447. We're... we're not.Copy !req
448. Oh, right.Copy !req
449. But... what about the breakfast
in bed every day?Copy !req
450. That... that was so romantic.Copy !req
451. Yeah. Also, sir, if you think about it,Copy !req
452. exactly what a servant might do,Copy !req
453. like all the cooking,
tidying, polishing,Copy !req
454. shopping, cleaning and
answering the phone.Copy !req
455. I mean, as a butler, I'd say you
were relatively easy to work for,Copy !req
456. but if you thought
this was a relationship,Copy !req
457. you were nowhere near doing your bit.Copy !req
458. Oh.Copy !req
459. But... if you're my butler,Copy !req
460. why have I got my arm round you in bed?Copy !req
461. You told me to, sir.Copy !req
462. Now, will that be all? Right...Copy !req
463. well... this is awkward.Copy !req
464. And while we're on the subject
of domestic chores,Copy !req
465. while this breakfast would
have been a lovely gestureCopy !req
466. from a man I thought had been
in love with me for 40 years,Copy !req
467. coming from a professional
servant, it tastes like shit.Copy !req
468. You're almost as bad as that housemaid.Copy !req
469. Housemaid?Copy !req
470. Yeah, you know the one, the stroppy one,Copy !req
471. sits next to me in the drawing room
without so much as a by-your-leave,Copy !req
472. looks at me with needy, betrayed eyes,
developed a drink problem 15 years ago.Copy !req
473. No, sir.Copy !req
474. Oh, you don't mean to say...Copy !req
475. That's right, sir. She's no housemaid.Copy !req
476. That's Lady Sybil, your wife.Copy !req
477. Blimey!Copy !req
478. Bunch of flowers in order there, I think.Copy !req
479. Very good, sir.Copy !req
480. Oh, of course, I've got a butler.Copy !req
481. Good-oh.Copy !req
482. Helen!Copy !req
483. Get in here!Copy !req
484. Oh, my... Finally, after
all these years of doubt,Copy !req
485. proof!Copy !req
486. Atheists from around the
world are converging hereCopy !req
487. and queuing for hours, just for a
glimpse of the miraculous fruit section.Copy !req
488. Let's see if we can talk to one of them.Copy !req
489. Can you tell us what you've seen?Copy !req
490. Oh, what can I say? My faith's
been completely destroyed.Copy !req
491. Oh, right. So you WERE a believer?Copy !req
492. Oh, yeah. I've got this tomato.Copy !req
493. You can just see the initials "JC".Copy !req
494. Oh, it looks like there's
a B there, as well.Copy !req
495. It says "JCB".Copy !req
496. Oh, yeah. Well, that doesn't
matter now, does it?Copy !req
497. This melon blows my tomato out of the
water. I mean, it's a full sentence.Copy !req
498. There's punctuation and everything.
That's good enough for me.Copy !req
499. Like the fruit says, there is no God.Copy !req
500. So what will you do now?Er...Copy !req
501. call a prostitute, I suppose.Copy !req
502. And joining us now is
Reverend Steven Murray.Copy !req
503. So, Reverend, what's the
Church's take on this?Copy !req
504. Is God done for?Copy !req
505. No. Obviously there
is a God, and he's fine.Copy !req
506. This is just typical silly atheists
getting carried away.Copy !req
507. They look at a random pattern
in a piece of fruitCopy !req
508. and think they've found
some message in it.Copy !req
509. So it's meaningless?Copy !req
510. Absolutely. There are a million atheists
who've cut open pieces of fruit todayCopy !req
511. and found no such message,Copy !req
512. just the tasty flesh and seeds that
God put there for them to enjoy.Copy !req
513. This particular atheist happens
to have found a piece of fruitCopy !req
514. that happens to resemble writing and
he's projected his own meaning onto it.Copy !req
515. It's ridiculous.Copy !req
516. You could equally look at all the
horrible suffering in the worldCopy !req
517. and say that that proves
there's no God.Copy !req
518. That's a good point. So how
do you explain the message?Copy !req
519. Well, it's probably just some random
mutation in the watermelon's genetics.Copy !req
520. Oh, no, wait. Not that!Copy !req
521. That's good, that, isn't it?Copy !req
522. What is?The way...Copy !req
523. you know, when you're in the showerCopy !req
524. and the water's all sort of running
down you, and it gets to your cock,Copy !req
525. and the topside,Copy !req
526. or, like, over-carriage of your cock
forms a sort of natural aqueductCopy !req
527. and channels the water so it runs off the
end and it looks like you're doing a wee.Copy !req
528. Do I really have to be here
for this? And then,Copy !req
529. if you need a wee and
go ahead and have a wee,Copy !req
530. then the wee sort of combines
with the waterCopy !req
531. and it looks like you're
doing a super wee.Copy !req
532. I wouldn't know.Copy !req
533. It's like when you're walking along those
flat escalators they have at airports,Copy !req
534. your natural walking plus the assistance,
you basically feel like a superhero.Copy !req
535. So what you're trying to tell me is
that having a piss in the showerCopy !req
536. makes you feel like a superhero.Copy !req
537. Yes.Copy !req
538. Well, as I say, I wouldn't know.
What wouldn't you know?Copy !req
539. I wouldn't know about pissing in the
shower. It's not something that I...Copy !req
540. You've never had a piss in
the shower? Of course not.Copy !req
541. Why not? What do you mean, why not?Copy !req
542. Why am I suddenly the weird one
just because I choose not to...Copy !req
543. What, so you're in the shower
and you need a wee,Copy !req
544. so you get out and go all
the way over to the sink...Copy !req
545. Sink? All right, loo,
whatever, just so...Copy !req
546. There is such a thing as having standards,
even when there's no-one watching.Copy !req
547. What's the problem? You're in the shower,
there's a lot of rinsing going on.Copy !req
548. It comes out sterile anyway.Copy !req
549. That's not the point.As long as it
doesn't go on the curtain. Oh, please!Copy !req
550. What? I'm saying don't
get it on the curtain.Copy !req
551. I'm not saying aim at the curtain,
David. I'm not a complete barbarian!Copy !req
552. I didn't say you were a complete...
You're not perfect. You shit in the bath.Copy !req
553. That's different.Copy !req
554. I know what I want now.Copy !req
555. All right.Copy !req
556. I want...Copy !req
557. to have sex...Copy !req
558. Oh, fine! Oh, great. That's great.
I can sort that out, no problem.Copy !req
559. .. with your wife.Copy !req
560. Oh.Copy !req
561. And then I can die happy.Copy !req
562. Right. I... I just feel that...Copy !req
563. I don't know, that's
crossing a sort of line.Copy !req
564. All right. Sorry, sorry,
forget it, forget it.Copy !req
565. No, no, you're my best friend,Copy !req
566. and I suppose it would
just be the one time.Copy !req
567. No, I'd want to do it lots of times,Copy !req
568. all over your house, with role-play.Copy !req
569. I've drawn up a list.Copy !req
570. Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! >Copy !req
571. THEY PANT >Copy !req
572. Mmm... yeah... >Copy !req