1. 'With the ants expelled from the pavlova
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2. 'and the fridgesswitched back on at the wall,
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3. 'Max turns his attention to the menu.'
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4. Right, first thing to say about
this menu is that it is far too long!
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5. All right? You need food with balls.
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6. So, fresh local fish... Do fish have balls?
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7. Shut up! Have you got balls?
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8. Have you got hair on your balls?
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9. Sorry, but, yes, I do have hairy balls.
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10. Shut up, you hairy-balled prick!
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11. Right! So I've got some local salmon,
I'm just chopping up some dill,
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12. quick squeeze of lemon,
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13. let it marinate for a bit,
sear it in a hot pan...
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14. Dollop of creme fraiche.
Bingo! Done. Easy.
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15. Right, now you try.
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16. What... What did you say after dill?
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17. 'But Max's menu ideas seem
to be causing problems.'
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18. Are you pulling my balls?
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19. This is how I showed you to do it!
What the hell is that?
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20. Well, I... I just...
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21. What?I just feel...
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22. What, mate? What?
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23. You are much better at this than me.
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24. What?
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25. You are much better at cooking.
That's obvious.
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26. That's why you've got a TV show
and I've got a failing restaurant.
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27. Well...
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28. It doesn't help me for you to show people that.
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29. I can't cook that.
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30. And there's loads of things in
there that you didn't even mention,
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31. like that thing with the potato that might
as well be magic as far as I'm concerned.
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32. It's just local ingredients,
simply cooked.
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33. By you!
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34. King Lear is just English words
put in order.
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35. The only way any of this
will help my restaurant
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36. is if you stay for ever.
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37. Can you stay for ever? If you
can't cook a simple piece of salmon,
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38. you shouldn't have a restaurant in the
first place, mate. Well, soon I won't,
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39. thanks to the fantastic advert
this programme's giving me.
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40. They'll be queuing round the block
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41. when they hear all about
the ants and that I can't cook.
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42. Oh, don't be silly!
You've got 50 covers out there.
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43. Because you're in the kitchen.
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44. All you've done is boast and demonstrate
the fact that any fool knew already
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45. that you're better at cookery than me.
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46. OK. But will you keep it up?
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47. Keep it up? I haven't got it up,
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48. as I'm surprised you
weren't the first to say.
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49. OK, it's been tough. Give me a hug.
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50. You despise me.
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51. OK.
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52. OK...
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53. Coming up next on Channel 4,
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54. Linford Christie's Sprinting Nightmares.
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55. Keep up, slow coach!
Why aren't you running as fast as me?
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56. Anything you want,
mate, anything at all,
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57. we'll make your last three months...
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58. No, sorry... The next three months,
the best three months of your life.
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59. Thanks.
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60. Thanks, mate. That means a lot.
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61. So, what do you want to do?
Disneyland?
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62. Disneyland?
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63. I'm 36.
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64. Good point.
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65. Run with the bulls?
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66. Watch the sun go down
over the shoals of the Pacific?
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67. The sun going down, the end
of the day, the dying of the light.
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68. Right, right.
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69. Er, swim with dolphins?
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70. Ooh... Oh!
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71. Oh, what is it, mate? Anything!
Tell me, I will make it happen.
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72. Well, I've really always wanted
to go snowboarding...
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73. Great!
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74. among the penguins of the Antarctic.
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75. Right... Only...
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76. Right, I know that sounds
like swimming with dolphins,
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77. but I can sort of imagine that
being a bit harder to organise.
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78. Oh. Well, if it's too much bother.
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79. No, I just... I don't think it'll be
a Thomas Cook job, that's all.
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80. Well, I've got to say, mate,
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81. I don't think anything on Earth
can compare with these ice fields.
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82. These mountains, these
incredible penguins.
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83. Yeah...
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84. They're all a bit samey.
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85. It's not really as good
as I thought it'd be.
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86. I've done seven fun runs!
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87. I've hardly seen my wife.
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88. I spent three and a half
days in a bath of beans.
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89. Oh, did you? Probably
preferred it if I just died!
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90. Cos that would have
saved you the effort.
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91. That's a horrible thing to say.
I can't believe you said that.
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92. SQUAWKING
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93. We hope you enjoyed
that pre-event advertisement.
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94. Maybe, one day, we'll
discover what it was for.
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95. You're watching the British
Emergency Broadcasting System
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96. and once again it's time
for The Quiz Broadcast.
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97. Welcome to the show and welcome
back to our contestants, Peter and Sheila.
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98. Peter, I've been meaning to ask,
you're blind, like most people,
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99. were you blinded by the Event?
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100. No, I was blinded post-Event by raiders.
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101. Well, that certainly is a funny story.
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102. And, of course, Sheila, you're
dressed like that for religious regions.
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103. That's right. After all, we don't want
the Event happening again, do we?
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104. We certainly don't!
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105. God, imagine the Event happening again!
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106. No! Do not imagine the
Event happening again!
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107. It will cause distress!
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108. The Event is in the past!
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109. So, now the Conveyor Belt Round.
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110. Sheila, ready? Think so.
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111. And, of course, we no longer know
how to work the conveyor belt,
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112. so let's take a look at the prizes.
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113. Food objects!
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114. Fuel!
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115. Tablets!
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116. Holy tablets!
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117. Frightening animal!
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118. Someone's head!
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119. We don't know, but they're everywhere!
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120. A stone!
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121. A stone!
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122. A stone! A stone!
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123. We don't know, but they're everywhere!
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124. Frightening animal!
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125. Sheila, what can you remember?
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126. Oh, I can remember sunshine,
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127. colours, smiling faces
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128. and then darkness, fear...
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129. No, no. Not the Event, the objects.
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130. Oh, right. Um...
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131. BUZZER A raid! A raid!
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132. Whoops!
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133. Well, Sheila, you certainly
won't leave empty-handed,
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134. because we're gonna let you take
away someone's head and a stone
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135. as talisman for your sector.
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136. We'll certainly worship them.
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137. I'm sure you will.
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138. WHIRRING AND SPARKING
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139. Ah! Well, I'm afraid that's all
we've got power for this week.
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140. Don't forget to send
your stories to us, here...
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141. wherever we've been for
the past two and a half years.
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142. Well, with any luck some
of us will be here next week
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143. for another Quiz Broadcast,
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144. so until then, goodbye and remain indoors!
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145. WHIRRING AND SPARKING
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146. What have we got?
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147. RTA, broken arm, suspected internal
injuries, severe contusions to the head.
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148. Need to move fast. Prep me a
solution of Arnica Montana, stat.
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149. Strength? One part in a million.
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150. Are you sure? It looks serious.
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151. You're right. We need to strengthen
the dose, one part in ten million.
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152. On it, doctor.
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153. Looks like a tricky one.
Nothing we can't handle.
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154. Get me some wolfsbane, also
known as monkshood, in here!
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155. And a tray of flower remedies!
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156. Oh, his chakras are fading.
We're gonna need some crystals.
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157. Nurse, fetch me some purple-tinted quartz.
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158. Dammit, you're right.
Make that aquamarine quartz!
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159. Good call.
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160. OK, he's stabilising. Now does anybody
know what sort of car hit him?
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161. Blue Ford Mondeo.
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162. Right, get me a bit of blue Ford Mondeo,
put it in water, shake it, dilute it,
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163. shake it again, dilute it again, shake, dilute,
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164. and then put three drops on his tongue.
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165. If that doesn't cure him, I don't know what will.
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166. I think you should look at this, Simon. What is it?
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167. I don't think this poor chap's got long to live.
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168. Why not? His lifeline, very short.
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169. And his horoscope's not too clever either.
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170. "Sagittarius, brace yourself for a surprise,
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171. "things are about to change for you."
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172. They certainly are. Unless... Wait!
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173. What?
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174. We could try drawing a bit
more lifeline on with Biro.
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175. It'll never work!
Have you got a better idea?
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176. Let's see what happens.
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177. Uhh...
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178. Damn it!
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179. Time of death, 3.34...
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180. .. ish.
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181. Tough day, eh?
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182. I just can't stand losing them.
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183. It happens.
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184. I don't know. Sometimes I think a
trace solution of deadly nightshade
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185. or a statistically negligible quantity
of arsenic just isn't enough.
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186. That's crazy talk, Simon.
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187. OK, so you kill the odd patient
with cancer or heart disease,
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188. or bronchitis, flu,
chicken pox or measles,
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189. but when someone comes in
with a vague sense of unease,
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190. or a touch of the nerves,
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191. oreven just more money than sense,
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192. we'll be there for them,
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193. bottle of basically
just water in one hand,
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194. and a huge invoice in the other.
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195. I suppose you're right.
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196. Now, another drink?
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197. I need one.
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198. Excuse me, two more
homeopathic lagers, please.
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199. Whoa! That's strong stuff.
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200. Everyone, this is Ben and Lizzy,
who just moved into number 14.
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201. Oh, hello there.
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202. Oh, my God!
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203. Oh, golly...
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204. Sorry, is everything all right?
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205. Um, there's been a misunderstanding.
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206. We're not swingers.
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207. We don't have sex with other couples.
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208. What, you think we're all...?
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209. I'm not judging. It's just,
um... It's not really our thing.
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210. We like to keep that
side of things private.
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211. We're just shy.
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212. Yeah, that's it. We're just
shy. Call it our weird fetish.
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213. Yeah, it's almost like, in this
room, WE'RE the perverts.
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214. Good one.
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215. Look, we're not swingers either.
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216. I don't want to have
sex with your wife.
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217. Yeah, right(!)
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218. Honestly.
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219. With the best will in the world,
John, yes, you do.
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220. I really...
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221. I've seen your wife, she's
sitting there with a slack jaw,
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222. staring at my groin, like she's
in some kind of erotic coma.
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223. That's all well and good and I'm
sure Barbara's a very nice lady,
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224. but that doesn't mean
I want to rim her.
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225. Now, if you'll excuse us, Lizzy
and I are acutely conscious
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226. that you've been mentally undressing us
the whole time we've been standing here.
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227. You're all thinking about Lizzy's
splendid, untroubled,
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228. almost French-looking breasts
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229. and my cute, peachy arse.
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230. And if that thought helps this imminent
orgy go with a bit more kapow,
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231. then, er, that's just our gift to you.
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232. Yeah, we'll leave the wine as well.
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233. Yeah, we'll leave the wine as well,
because, frankly, no offence,
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234. but you're gonna need it.
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235. Good luck.
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236. Well, I found this whole thing
quite arousing.
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237. Yeah, that makes two of us, sweetheart.
Notice, two of us, not eight of us.
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238. Bye, then.
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239. Cheerio.
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240. I want an orgy now.
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241. Barbara!
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242. Anyway, I'll tell you what,
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243. I was wrong about the penguins.
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244. I know what I want to do now.
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245. Brilliant, mate. Just name it.
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246. I don't wanna put you
to too much trouble.
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247. Come on! Anything, mate.
I will make it happen.
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248. Well, we could get a crew
of mercenaries together,
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249. take over the skyscraper HQ
of a multinational corporation,
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250. wrong-foot the authorities by posing
as terrorists with a political agenda,
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251. whilst actually clearing out
the building's underground vault
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252. of bombs and bullion?
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253. OK, that's...
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254. That's Die Hard, isn't it?
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255. Yeah.
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256. I want to do Die Hard.
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257. Right...
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258. That might be a bit tricky.
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259. Symphony Number Nine by Beethoven
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260. Everybody down!
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261. If anyone moves, I will have no hesitation
in shooting you up with this gun.
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262. Are we all clear on that?
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263. Yes.
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264. Sergei, are you through to the vault yet?
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265. Yes! Only one security code to
go and we're home free, Martin.
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266. This is brilliant! What a rush!
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267. I said stay down! Now let that
be a lesson to all of you.
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268. You've got to keep
an eye on them, Martin.
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269. What is it? What's the matter?
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270. Mmm... This isn't...
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271. It's not as good as I thought it'd be.
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272. What? But... But it's what you wanted!
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273. Yeah...
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274. Do you know how hard this was to set up?
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275. False passports, learning
to be a computer hacker,
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276. so I could break into the mainframe, and
ex-Russian military don't come cheap!
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277. I've done five marathons
dressed as a horse!
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278. Oh, I'm sorry(!)Has my dying
inconvenienced you(?)
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279. No. Now come on, that's not fair.
I didn't say that.
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280. But it has taken up
a lot of my time
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281. and Cheryl's been really
understanding, but even so.
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282. I mean, I'm the one who's
gonna be dead in two months.
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283. It's important I say what I feel.
Of course! Of course.
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284. Why don't we do the
yippee kay-ay thing again?
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285. Yippee kay-ay, mother...
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286. Is she all right?
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287. Have you seen it, Hennimore?
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288. Have I seen what, sir?
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289. The giant wasp that's been
circling the building.
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290. It's after the enormous pot of jam
that we're sending to the King of Moldova
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291. to try and build trade relations.
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292. I don't mind telling you, Hennimore,
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293. it's been a disastrous year for
all of us here at Dreadnought Lids
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294. and this Moldovan contract
is our last chance.
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295. King Fredlib loves jam
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296. and this was the last giant pot Fortnum's had
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297. or are ever planning to make. Blimey!
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298. Now, it's nearly four
and I've got a meeting,
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299. so I need you to stand here,
and if that giant wasp comes back,
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300. you set about it with
the old Gunn and Moore.
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301. Right you are, sir.
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302. On an unrelated note, my wife
will be popping in later.
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303. I said she can wait here
for a couple of hours
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304. before heading off to the Flora and
Fauna Ball in the revolving restaurant
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305. at the top of the Father Christmas Hotel
in central London. She's going as a wasp. Right, sir.
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306. So she'll be popping
in in her wasp costume.
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307. She always gets held up by reception,
so I've told her to use the fire escape
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308. and come in the window.
Don't be surprised
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309. if something that looks
like a giant wasp comes in.
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310. And just to reiterate, if a giant wasp
comes in through the window,
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311. smash it to bits with the bat.
Got it, sir.
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312. SHRIEKING
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313. BUZZING
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314. Go away, nasty wasp...
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315. SLURPING
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316. What the devil!
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317. Hennimore!
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318. Sorry, David, can you read
these texts for me?
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319. I haven't got my glasses.
Oh, yeah, all right.
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320. Um, the first one's from Martin.
He writes,
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321. "Hi, Rob. Hope you're well. Are
you still on for a drink tonight?
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322. "How about eight o'clock at the Crown?"
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323. And there's just a letter X.
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324. David, it's not an X, it's a kiss.
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325. A kiss? How can it be a kiss?
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326. A kiss is a thing you do,
that's just a letter.
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327. No, but they're ending the message
with a kiss, like on a birthday card.
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328. Oh, is that what that means?
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329. I always thought that people just thought
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330. I was either 10, 20 or 30 years old.
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331. Usually ten.
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332. Ah, who's the next one from?
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333. Oh, it's your wife. Are you
sure you want me to read it?
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334. Yeah, it's fine. OK.
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335. "Sorry, running ten minutes late.
Two kisses."
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336. That's a bit distant.
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337. Shouldn't she have put like a sex or
something? I mean, she is your wife.
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338. Is there a letter for that?
Maybe an S.
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339. That would be a bit more loving.
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340. "Sorry, I'm running late. Sex."
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341. Look, don't you put kisses on things?
On texts and e-mails?
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342. No, not even to people
who I kiss or have kissed.
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343. I do all my kissing live.
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344. Is that wrong?
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345. No, it's not wrong. It's just...
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346. Not very affectionate.
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347. Oh, God! I'm not very affectionate?
Is that what everyone thinks?
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348. That I hate kissing,
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349. just because I don't put a random
letter at the end of my e-mails?
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350. No, it's fine! You've got that whole cold,
repressed, emotionless thing going on.
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351. People like it. You're the guy
people like to feel uncomfortable around.
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352. Oh, God! Really?
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353. Really.
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354. Do you want a kiss?
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355. No.
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356. You wanted to see me.
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357. Ah, Quintilius, my
most trusted soothsayer.
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358. These are dark days for Pompeii,
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359. smoke in the sky, the earth
twitching like a bucking animal.
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360. You're telling me.
It's a proper shambles.
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361. Guide me, O wise man. What does
the future hold for our fair city?
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362. Well, as far as portents go,
it's not good.
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363. You know that big mountain
that's suddenly on fire? Yes.
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364. That's definitely a bad sign.
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365. Double checked with the goats' entrails
and they all say within a week,
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366. phht, that's us done for,
consumed by brimstone,
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367. reduced to ash, all curled up
in flaky balls
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368. with tourists poking about,
tutting and shaking their heads.
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369. And this is your sincere forecast?
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370. Sorry. I wish I could say scattered
showers, but we're way beyond that.
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371. Smell that sulphur? That is
one angry atmosphere out there.
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372. Then we must make a humble
offering to appease the gods.
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373. Exactly. I've been having a bit of a think
about this, and I reckon I've got it.
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374. Cockerels? Pigs?
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375. No.
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376. We sort our rubbish into separate bins.
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377. Sorry?
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378. Green glass, brown glass, mosaic, papyrus,
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379. all in separate bins.
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380. Sort of a devotional thing,
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381. once a week, before going to bed
on a Monday night, I reckon.
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382. Is that it?
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383. "It"? Look at the sky!
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384. It looks like a smashed cake.
The gods are hopping bonkers.
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385. We need to dedicate some of our precious
time to a futile, time-consuming ritual.
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386. You know gods, they love all that shit.
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387. But surely that's...
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388. I don't know... pissing in the wind?
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389. It's very pissing in the wind,
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390. but the sky's on fire and it's
the best I could come up with.
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391. Hey! I've just noticed,
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392. you've been eating crisps all morning.
Aren't you afraid you'll get fat?
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393. No. I can eat as many of these as I like.
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394. I can't believe you're stuffing
your face with crisps again.
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395. You'll only get fat, and then
I'll have to have another affair.
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396. No, don't worry.
These won't make me fat.
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397. Why not? Are you bulimic?
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398. No, it's because these aren't crisps,
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399. they're Cressps.
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400. Peekers Crisps takes ordinary cress,
the healthiest food in the world,
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401. and that's been confirmed,
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402. and then deep-fry it in crisp fat
so all the health is retained,
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403. which means I can eat as many Cressps
as I like and just get healthier.
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404. Wow! I'll have some Cressps.
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405. I think I'll pass, actually.
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406. 'Cressps, once you Cressp,
you just can't splessp.'
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407. That doesn't make any sense.
Oh, God! They're horrid!
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408. Ah, breakfast in bed again.
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409. You are a treasure, my dear butler.
You do so spoil me.
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410. Thank you.
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411. And what do we have here?
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412. A rose, Butler?
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413. Ah, you remembered. Remembered, sir?
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414. Our anniversary. 40 years today.
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415. I hadn't forgotten.
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416. Hop in.
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417. Very good, sir.
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418. Who would have thought
all those years ago
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419. that that chance encounter
would have led to such happiness?
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420. How did we meet, Butler? Can you remember?
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421. Well, you advertised for a butler and I...
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422. Ah, of course! It was the day I was to
have interviewed prospective butlers.
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423. To think that such mundane domestic
matters were distracting me
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424. when our eyes first met.
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425. And I never did hire a butler after all.
What?
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426. Well, I've never needed one,
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427. what with all the loving kindnesses
you perform for me daily.
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428. You really are too good to me, Butler.
I hope you know I appreciate it.
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429. What do you mean, sir?
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430. Ah, "sir".
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431. Such a simple pet name,
yet so affectionate.
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432. Sorry... what do you think's going on?
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433. Our anniversary, my dear Butler.
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434. 40 years since we both cast
aside convention for love.
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435. Right.
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436. Oh, no!
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437. Sir, the thing is... you
do know I'm your butler?
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438. Yes, my Butler, my dear Butler,
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439. now and for ever.
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440. Butler, Buttles, Butty-Pops,
Buttlington Boots.
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441. No, butler's my job.
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442. My name's Steve.
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443. I don't understand.
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444. I'm a butler.
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445. I'm YOUR butler.
I have been for 40 years.
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446. You're my butler, Butler?
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447. Steve.
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448. You're my Steve Butler. Butler
Steve. You're Steve Butler.
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449. I'm Steve Griffiths. I'm your butler.
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450. Oh.
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451. But...
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452. ..I thought we were going out.
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453. We're... we're not.
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454. Oh, right.
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455. But... what about the breakfast
in bed every day?
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456. That... that was so romantic.
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457. Yeah. Also, sir, if you think about it,
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458. exactly what a servant might do,
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459. like all the cooking,
tidying, polishing,
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460. shopping, cleaning and
answering the phone.
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461. I mean, as a butler, I'd say you
were relatively easy to work for,
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462. but if you thought
this was a relationship,
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463. you were nowhere near doing your bit.
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464. Oh.
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465. But... if you're my butler,
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466. why have I got my arm round you in bed?
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467. You told me to, sir.
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468. Now, will that be all? Right...
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469. well... this is awkward.
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470. And while we're on the subject
of domestic chores,
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471. while this breakfast would
have been a lovely gesture
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472. from a man I thought had been
in love with me for 40 years,
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473. coming from a professional
servant, it tastes like shit.
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474. You're almost as bad as that housemaid.
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475. Housemaid?
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476. Yeah, you know the one, the stroppy one,
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477. sits next to me in the drawing room
without so much as a by-your-leave,
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478. looks at me with needy, betrayed eyes,
developed a drink problem 15 years ago.
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479. No, sir.
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480. Oh, you don't mean to say...
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481. That's right, sir. She's no housemaid.
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482. That's Lady Sybil, your wife.
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483. Blimey!
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484. Bunch of flowers in order there, I think.
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485. Very good, sir.
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486. Oh, of course, I've got a butler.
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487. Good-oh.
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488. Helen!
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489. Get in here!
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490. Oh, my... Finally, after
all these years of doubt,
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491. proof!
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492. Atheists from around the
world are converging here
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493. and queuing for hours, just for a
glimpse of the miraculous fruit section.
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494. Let's see if we can talk to one of them.
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495. Can you tell us what you've seen?
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496. Oh, what can I say? My faith's
been completely destroyed.
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497. Oh, right. So you WERE a believer?
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498. Oh, yeah. I've got this tomato.
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499. You can just see the initials "JC".
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500. Oh, it looks like there's
a B there, as well.
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501. It says "JCB".
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502. Oh, yeah. Well, that doesn't
matter now, does it?
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503. This melon blows my tomato out of the
water. I mean, it's a full sentence.
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504. There's punctuation and everything.
That's good enough for me.
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505. Like the fruit says, there is no God.
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506. So what will you do now?Er...
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507. call a prostitute, I suppose.
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508. And joining us now is
Reverend Steven Murray.
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509. So, Reverend, what's the
Church's take on this?
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510. Is God done for?
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511. No. Obviously there
is a God, and he's fine.
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512. This is just typical silly atheists
getting carried away.
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513. They look at a random pattern
in a piece of fruit
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514. and think they've found
some message in it.
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515. So it's meaningless?
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516. Absolutely. There are a million atheists
who've cut open pieces of fruit today
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517. and found no such message,
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518. just the tasty flesh and seeds that
God put there for them to enjoy.
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519. This particular atheist happens
to have found a piece of fruit
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520. that happens to resemble writing and
he's projected his own meaning onto it.
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521. It's ridiculous.
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522. You could equally look at all the
horrible suffering in the world
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523. and say that that proves
there's no God.
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524. That's a good point. So how
do you explain the message?
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525. Well, it's probably just some random
mutation in the watermelon's genetics.
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526. Oh, no, wait. Not that!
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527. That's good, that, isn't it?
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528. What is?The way...
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529. you know, when you're in the shower
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530. and the water's all sort of running
down you, and it gets to your cock,
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531. and the topside,
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532. or, like, over-carriage of your cock
forms a sort of natural aqueduct
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533. and channels the water so it runs off the
end and it looks like you're doing a wee.
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534. Do I really have to be here
for this? And then,
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535. if you need a wee and
go ahead and have a wee,
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536. then the wee sort of combines
with the water
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537. and it looks like you're
doing a super wee.
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538. I wouldn't know.
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539. It's like when you're walking along those
flat escalators they have at airports,
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540. your natural walking plus the assistance,
you basically feel like a superhero.
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541. So what you're trying to tell me is
that having a piss in the shower
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542. makes you feel like a superhero.
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543. Yes.
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544. Well, as I say, I wouldn't know.
What wouldn't you know?
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545. I wouldn't know about pissing in the
shower. It's not something that I...
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546. You've never had a piss in
the shower? Of course not.
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547. Why not? What do you mean, why not?
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548. Why am I suddenly the weird one
just because I choose not to...
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549. What, so you're in the shower
and you need a wee,
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550. so you get out and go all
the way over to the sink...
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551. Sink? All right, loo,
whatever, just so...
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552. There is such a thing as having standards,
even when there's no-one watching.
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553. What's the problem? You're in the shower,
there's a lot of rinsing going on.
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554. It comes out sterile anyway.
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555. That's not the point.As long as it
doesn't go on the curtain. Oh, please!
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556. What? I'm saying don't
get it on the curtain.
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557. I'm not saying aim at the curtain,
David. I'm not a complete barbarian!
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558. I didn't say you were a complete...
You're not perfect. You shit in the bath.
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559. That's different.
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560. I know what I want now.
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561. All right.
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562. I want...
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563. to have sex...
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564. Oh, fine! Oh, great. That's great.
I can sort that out, no problem.
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565. .. with your wife.
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566. Oh.
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567. And then I can die happy.
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568. Right. I... I just feel that...
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569. I don't know, that's
crossing a sort of line.
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570. All right. Sorry, sorry,
forget it, forget it.
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571. No, no, you're my best friend,
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572. and I suppose it would
just be the one time.
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573. No, I'd want to do it lots of times,
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574. all over your house, with role-play.
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575. I've drawn up a list.
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576. Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! >
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577. THEY PANT >
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578. Mmm... yeah... >
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