1. .. with the most beautiful woman
in the world - my wife.
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2. And now, ladies and gentlemen,
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3. please show your appreciation
for the best man.
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4. Um, "the most beautiful woman
in the world"?
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5. I don't think so, mate.
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6. I mean, honestly...
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7. No, I'm not being nasty.
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8. It's not nasty to say someone isn't
the most beautiful woman in the world.
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9. And she looks, you know, fine, good,
very presentable, better than ever.
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10. Just not better than everyone.
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11. What? Sorry, Jane,
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12. you've not been thinking you're the most
beautiful woman in the world, have you?
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13. Why would you think that?
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14. Wh...? Have you all gone mad?
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15. She is not the most beautiful woman
in the world!
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16. She's top half... probably.
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17. But that's largely because
of her relative youth.
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18. Look, that's not rude!
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19. There's no-one in this room who's
anywhere near that attractive.
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20. I mean, one of the bridesmaids
is pretty tasty,
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21. but not, you know, world class.
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22. You're not so hot yourself!
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23. I never said I was!
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24. He said that SHE was the most
beautiful woman in the world,
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25. and I just wouldn't want their life
together to kick off with a lie.
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26. To me, she's the most beautiful woman
in the world, so just get on with it.
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27. OK, to you, right.
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28. But you know she's not really,
deep down.
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29. You're not mad. You just fancy her more
than she is objectively attractive.
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30. Which is good! That's exactly
who should be getting married -
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31. two people who are a little bit
deluded in each other's favour.
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32. That's what love is, isn't it?
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33. Look...
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34. If the most beautiful woman in
the world was getting married,
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35. that would be big news -
the papers would be here.
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36. There'd have been champagne,
not Prosecco.
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37. Oh, my God!
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38. I... I like Prosecco!
I'm not complaining!
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39. Look, why is it suddenly rude
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40. for me to say that
he's average-looking,
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41. she scrubs up pretty well,
but Audrey Hepburn she ain't,
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42. and there have been weddings
more expensive than this?
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43. We all know these things. They
shouldn't be a cause for despair.
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44. I was gonna tell an anecdote
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45. about when he had to run naked
through the lobby of a hotel,
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46. but that might
provoke suicides
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47. from those of you who were
apparently under the impression
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48. that this was Olympus itself and we
were witnessing the union of the gods.
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49. Yeah, all right, all right.
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50. Have a nice evening.
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51. Was I all right?
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52. Really good, mate. Really good.
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53. And pray, Miss Bennet, what do you
call this quaint country dance?
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54. We call it the conga, Miss Bingley.
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55. I am surprised
you have not heard of it.
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56. Do you hear that, Mr Darcy?
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57. Miss Bennet chides us
for our ignorance of local customs.
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58. I certainly did not mean to chide.
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59. But I confess myself surprised
by Mr Darcy's behaviour.
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60. Miss Bennet, you astound me.
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61. What could there be in the behaviour
of poor Mr Darcy
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62. that provokes such hasty slander?
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63. Forgive my impertinence.
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64. I merely wished to observe that Mr
Darcy refuses to partake of the conga,
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65. yet gentlemen are scarce
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66. and there are plainly several young
ladies left wholly out of the conga.
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67. But what in heavens has this
to do with Mr Darcy?
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68. It's meant to go
boy-girl, boy-girl.
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69. - Mr Darcy?
- It's meant to go boy-girl, boy-girl.
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70. You are right, Miss Bennet.
Perhaps I am too hard.
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71. It is only in defence of my rank
that I feel bound to abstain.
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72. A gentleman does not conga.
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73. I would be loath to make a habit
of contradicting you, sir,
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74. but my father is a gentleman and
he congas with the best of them.
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75. Perhaps it is not simply the conga,
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76. but all manner of dance that you
consider beneath your station.
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77. Indeed not, Miss Bennet.
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78. But you must allow that the only dance
that my position could possibly support
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79. is that of freestyle disco.
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80. Know you not, Miss Bennet,
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81. that Mr Darcy has been freestyle
disco champion of all Derbyshire
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82. these last dozen years?
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83. - I confess I did not know.
- In faith,
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84. what would appear to be the summation
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85. of all that you do not know,
Miss Bennet, would make for quite...
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86. Oh, Caroline!
Will you please shut the fuck up?
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87. Perhaps, Mr Darcy,
you would be good enough
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88. to favour us with a brief exhibition
of your freestyle disco prowess.
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89. It has been forced upon me from the start.
I assure you, it gives me no pleasure.
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90. Damn it! This isn't booze!
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91. Are you an Olympic athlete who craves
a proper drink at the end of a race?
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92. You know, like in the good old days?
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93. Then you need Glucozade Port...
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94. the world's first alcoholic
isotonic drink.
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95. Wow! I'm fully recovered and smashed.
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96. Look at these other athletes
with their water!
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97. They're just fully recovered.
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98. The fools. Dahh!
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99. Glucozade Port rehydrates your body,
then dehydrates it again at the same time.
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100. It doesn't help athletes
perform better,
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101. but it makes them THINK
they're performing better.
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102. No, no, honestly,
I run much better when I'm pissed.
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103. Oh!
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104. You're not Mr and Mrs Mountjoy,
are you?
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105. Yes.
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106. No, Ginger, she'll never buy that.
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107. Mr and Mrs Mountjoy are my servants
and they arranged this encounter.
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108. - Meeting.
- Meeting, good one.
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109. And what was it you wanted?
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110. Funds. I'm organising an expedition
to the pole.
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111. I'm calling security.
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112. Which pole - undecided.
Both poles have their charms.
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113. She's not going for it, sir.
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114. Quick, get the copper
out of the walls!
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115. Dick Barton Theme
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116. In a society
whose toothy fake smile
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117. is ravaged by the
plaque of death
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118. and the vodka burp of
subprime mortgages,
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119. who will floss into
the darkest cavities of our despair
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120. and see if there are
any gold fillings
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121. you could swap for a can of
peppermint-flavoured antifreeze?
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122. Yes, it's the Surprising Adventures
of me, Sir Digby Chicken Caesar.
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123. Oh...
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124. Seeing as it was a bank, sir,
we could have just swiped some money.
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125. Why didn't you say so before,
you idiot?
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126. Well, I think we've really cracked
the special guest problem.
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127. - Bruno Brookes said yes?
- Better.
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128. - Bruno Brookes said no?
- Second prize, TWO weeks in Blackpool.
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129. What?
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130. Never mind. But who's the highest
profile special guest you can think of?
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131. Brendan Foster.
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132. - Is he?
- Yeah, Brendan Foster.
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133. He'd be amazing.
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134. Yeah, well,
we haven't got Brendan Foster.
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135. Oh!
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136. Now, think of someone even more
famous than Brendan Foster.
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137. But Ron Pickering's dead.
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138. It's nothing to do with athletics.
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139. - Athletics? I thought they were authors.
- What?
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140. Are they not authors?
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141. No.
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142. But... look, anyway, think of the
most famous person in the country.
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143. Think royal.
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144. Oh, my God! Prince Charles!
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145. - Better.
- Oh, er...
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146. - Prince Charles.
- No, better.
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147. Prince Charles!
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148. No.
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149. Er... Princess Diana?
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150. No. Stupid.
Oh, God, Prince Charles!
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151. The Queen!
We've got the bloody Queen.
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152. I thought she was dead.
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153. Faites vos jeux, messieurs, dames.
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154. I'm going in.
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155. Roger. Standing by.
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156. Monsieur is very generous.
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157. There's a hell of a lot of government
money riding on this, Suave.
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158. But why me?
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159. Because you're the best damn guesser
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160. of the weight of a fruit cake
in the service.
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161. Two pounds, six ounces?
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162. Je suis desole, monsieur,
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163. mais non.
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164. Two pounds... seven ounces.
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165. Monsieur wins again.
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166. Nouveau gateau, s'il vous plait.
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167. This is your target.
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168. And, Suave...
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169. be careful.
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170. He is very, very good at guessing
how much a fruit cake weighs.
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171. So am I.
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172. I know. But he is as well.
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173. We'll see about that.
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174. No, he really is.
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175. That's what they say about me.
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176. Yes, I know, but you both...
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177. It's going to be close,
that's the point.
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178. I'm nervous now.
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179. - Ah! A new opponent.
- Yes.
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180. I'm quite prepared to take you on.
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181. Or should I say,
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182. CAKE you on?
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183. Guys, you've gotta
do better than that.
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184. - Oh, sorry(!)
- Jimmy Carr was never like this.
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185. Three pounds and seven ounces.
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186. Three pounds and four ounces.
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187. Four pounds exactly.
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188. Five pounds and one ounce.
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189. Two pounds and nine ounces.
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190. That's quite a small cake.
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191. Too small for your blood, Mr Suave?
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192. You're worse than his guys.
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193. He's on to us.
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194. On the contrary.
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195. I think I'd like to go...
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196. all in.
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197. Three ounces.
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198. Four ounces.
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199. Monsieur wins.
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200. Please, monsieur, I'm a sportsman.
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201. Let me give you the chance
to win your money back.
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202. One game, no limits,
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203. double or nothing.
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204. Weight of a fruit cake?
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205. No.
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206. How many coins in the jar? Bran tub?
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207. No, no.
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208. Whack the rat.
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209. Do you mean wanking?
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210. Oh, no, he's gone rogue.
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211. No.
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212. I meant...
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213. - You've been lucky tonight.
- Yeah.
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214. Maybe I'll get luckier still.
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215. Do you mean when you're cupping
MY fishy ball...?
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216. I'm not saying that!
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217. - That was good.
- Anne Robinson would have said it.
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218. Yeah.
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219. And, Suave, good luck.
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220. I won't need luck.
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221. You're going to a casino.
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222. Oh, God, yes! That's right.
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223. Yeah, blimey! Fingers crossed.
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224. Will you kiss my rat whacker
for luck?
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225. I thought you'd never ask.
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226. Urgh!
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227. You win this time, Mr Suave.
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228. Now I must retire for the night.
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229. Yes, I must say...
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230. I'm whacked.
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231. Lazy, double-crossing shits!
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232. You made us look like dicks in there.
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233. THUMP!
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234. I suppose you're doing this
for kicks.
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235. That's exactly the kind of shit
we're talking about.
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236. That was good!
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237. THUD!
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238. - We'll take, then.
- Ready there?
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239. And... action!
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240. So... the Queen...
why did she agree to do this?
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241. Pissed off they never
asked her on Extras.
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242. Right.
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243. When they said the piano tuner was blind,
I didn't realise they meant the Queen.
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244. She's standing in the wrong place
again. Sorry...
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245. She's not very good, is she?
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246. Oh, thank God you said it.
I thought I was the only one.
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247. - No, she's shit, isn't she?
- Yeah.
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248. I thought she had TV experience.
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249. Well, she's on at Christmas
before Shrek.
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250. Cut.
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251. I don't think we can use any of this.
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252. I mean, not even on the DVD.
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253. We've got to use it! It's the Queen!
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254. - We've got the Queen!
- Yeah, but she's terrible.
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255. I mean, was that quite funny thing
that Prince Philip did,
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256. but then the Queen kind of ruined it
by just staring down the lens.
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257. Well... we could pixel her out.
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258. I think that's treason.
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259. Look, screw you,
if that's your attitude!
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260. We cannot work with her!
She is terrible.
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261. What did you see her in that
made you think she was good?
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262. The Queen. I saw her in The Queen.
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263. That was Helen Mirren!
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264. We are truly blessed today,
Hennimore,
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265. for our schism with Rome
may finally be at an end.
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266. I've been hoping for that, sir.
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267. A rare cine film of Pope John XXIII
proposing reconciliation
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268. has recently been unearthed.
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269. And because of my uncanny physical
resemblance to the Holy Father...
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270. several senior Anglican bishops are coming
here to my office to watch it at four.
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271. And I don't need to tell you what the
re-catholicisation of England could mean
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272. to all of us here at
Ampleforth Rosary Supplies.
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273. Spectacles, testicles, sir.
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274. I shall be in a meeting
when they arrive
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275. so it's up to you to settle
them down and put on the film.
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276. You can rely on me, sir.
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277. On an unrelated note,
my wife and I have recently completed
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278. our 23rd explicit home movie
for our sexual therapist, John,
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279. and the courier should be here at
about five to four to pick it up,
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280. - so make sure he gets it.
- Will do, sir.
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281. It hasn't escaped my notice that these
identical canisters of film are labelled,
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282. for perfectly viable reasons
of their own, "John 23".
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283. So to avoid the slightest chance
of confusion,
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284. I have labelled this one with a
cross to indicate Christianity...
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285. and this one with an X for X-rated.
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286. Clear?
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287. Absolutely, sir.
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288. I foresee no problems.
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289. Oh... Oh... Oh!
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290. Oh!
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291. Get down, Hennimore!
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292. I trust all is well here, my lords.
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293. I broke my glasses on the way back
from my meeting. What the...?
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294. It's your sexual therapist
on the phone, sir.
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295. He wants to know if
he can borrow the costume
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296. for when he does Mrs Therapist.
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297. HENNIMO-O-O-ORE!
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298. Well, you seem to be
coming along very well, Guy.
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299. Thank you, Doctor.
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300. I hope you'll be sticking to nothing
stronger than tea from now on.
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301. Oh, yes, Doctor.
I'd forgotten how nice it tastes.
Copy !req
302. And your social worker's
here to see you again.
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303. Great news, Guy.
We've traced your family.
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304. - My daughter?
- Yes. Alice is 12 now.
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305. So maybe once you're better
and settled into that job,
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306. we could arrange a meeting.
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307. Thank you so much.
I won't let you down.
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308. It's great to have you on board, Guy.
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309. Well, thank you for giving me
this opportunity, Mr Jenkins.
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310. Morning.
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311. - Just that, please.
- 6.99, please.
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312. - Thank you.
- Cheers.
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313. - Oh, thank you so much!
- You've earned it, Guy.
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314. - See you Monday.
- Will do.
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315. Big day today.
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316. My social worker's arranged for me
to meet up with my daughter.
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317. I haven't seen her for five years.
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318. Oh!
Well, good luck with that, Guy.
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319. - I'm sure it will go well.
- Thanks.
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320. Can I help you, sir?
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321. Excellent work, Ginger.
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322. You've infiltrated my nemesis's lair.
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323. Er... do I know you?
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324. Ah! Deep cover.
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325. Perhaps a sip of this
will remind you.
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326. Oh, not while I'm working, thanks.
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327. Oh, do you think that...?
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328. Oh, no. That's just pop.
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329. I decanted it into this
to look... sophisticated.
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330. Oh. Well, that's all right, then.
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331. That's it! That's it!
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332. Quick, sir, the till!
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333. I don't need you any more,
Ginger II.
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334. What's this?
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335. Great news, Guy.
We've traced your family.
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336. My daughter?
Yes. Alice is 12 now.
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337. I'm not sure, sir.
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338. It might be important.
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339. A clue!
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340. I'd better memorise it
and then burn it.
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341. So maybe
once you're better
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342. and settled into that job,
we could arrange a meeting.
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343. You've burned it.
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344. Oh! And I forgot to memorise it.
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345. In a world where it's
important to know who your friends are,
Copy !req
346. rather than who your daughter is,
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347. who will prise open the fist
of international conspiracy
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348. and see if it's
got a 2p in it?
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349. Find out next week in The Surprising
Adventures Of Sir Digby Chicken Caesar.
Copy !req
350. I don't think he's coming, darling.
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351. Oh! Maybe...
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352. Dick Barton Theme
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353. Keep up, Ginger, you little turd.
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354. - He's gaining on us, sir!
- Come on!
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355. No. That can't have been him.
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356. Never mind.
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357. Where is he?
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358. He said he would be some time, sir.
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359. That was yesterday.
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360. No man could survive more than
a few hours in this blizzard.
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361. Oh, damn it all!
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362. Three of us left.
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363. Only three of us.
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364. What provisions have we?
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365. One last strand of pemmican, sir.
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366. Damn it all to hell!
I refuse to eat this confounded muck.
Copy !req
367. Then we have
but one remaining option, sir.
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368. No! It's unthinkable!
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369. No, no, not Wilson.
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370. This.
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371. What? No, that's even worse!
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372. But, sir, we will surely perish
if we do not eat.
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373. That, sir, is a Christmas pudding
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374. and today is barely halfway
through August.
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375. - What are you proposing?
- We could say we lost track of time.
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376. Lieutenant, there are some things that a
true Englishman will never countenance.
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377. That is a Christmas pudding and
we are saving it for Christmas.
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378. Is that understood?
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379. Well, then...
Copy !req
380. what about
the Harvest Festival hamper?
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381. - That's only a few weeks away.
- Control yourself, man!
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382. But... look at this prize marrow, sir.
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383. Imagine the sweet taste of its flesh once
cooked, perhaps with these butter beans.
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384. - We could rustle up a hearty stew.
- We are Englishmen, not animals.
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385. Well... how about the corned beef?
Or the cling peaches in syrup?
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386. If we treat these hampers
with contempt,
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387. then we are no better than...
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388. Norwegians.
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389. Sir, we are starving to death.
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390. And we are doing so with due deference
to the English celebrational calendar.
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391. Shackleton let his men eat all the pancake
batter weeks before Shrove Tuesday.
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392. I don't intend to brook any jealous
intervention from you, Wilson.
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393. Wilson!
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394. Is that... foil in your beard?
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395. No. It's snow.
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396. And there's chocolate on your glove!
Copy !req
397. You've finished
the entire Advent calendar!
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398. - Good Lord!
- It wasn't my idea.
Copy !req
399. Oates gave me
a little chocolate Father Christmas
Copy !req
400. and then we rather got carried away
with the spirit of the thing.
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401. How dare you?
Copy !req
402. Bowers had some, too!
And some of the brandy butter.
Copy !req
403. Is this true, Bowers?
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404. I see.
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405. Well, then...
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406. is there anything either of you would
care to add to your confessions?
Copy !req
407. Well...
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408. You tell him.
Copy !req
409. - No, you tell him. It was your idea.
- What is it? Tell me this instant!
Copy !req
410. Speak up, man!
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411. I said, we ate the carrot!
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412. What?
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413. Not the carrot!
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414. No!
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415. No! No!
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416. But...
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417. .. that was to be the nose
for my snowman.
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